The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 2, Episode 12 - How to Be a Spanish Grandmother - full transcript

(BARKING)

JACQUELINE: It is
said that life expectancy

on our little
island is very high.

Unfortunately, this does not
apply to our old station wagon.

(ENGINE BACKFIRING)

Sister Bertrille and I agreed
this was an emergency.

And in emergency,
Sister Bertrille's

thoughts fly to Senor
Carlos Ramirez.

Where her thoughts
go, she follows.

On this particular
occasion, however,

asking Carlos for help was
one of the biggest mistakes



Sister Bertrille ever made.

Carlos, listen, the
station wagon broke...

Now you try.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Carlos, what are you doing?

Uh, I'm looking for a wife.

Temporary, for 24 hours.

This is no way
to look for a wife.

I know, but I'm in a hurry.

Thank you, girls. I really appreciate
your trying. Now you can go.

Ramon will give each of you
a check for $20. Thank you.

Oh. Bye-bye.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Bye.



What am I going to do?

You see, I'm so desperate
I'm asking you for advice.

Why do you want to marry
someone for 24 hours?

I don't want to, I have to. Oh.

You don't want to know why?

Sure, but I'm afraid to ask.

Because of my grandmother.

She's coming from Argentina.

Oh, and you want
to give her a party.

So why waste a party? You
might as well get married.

If you are not
going to get serious,

I'm not going to
discuss it with you.

Now, do you want to
hear about it or not?

It's up to you.

Okay. Since you insist,
I'm going to tell you.

Three years ago, I got word
that my grandmother was dying.

So I went down to Argentina.

The doctors gave
her a few hours to live.

So, to make her
last hours happy,

I stretched the truth a little.

What do you mean,
he "stretched the truth"?

He told his grandmother he
was married and had two children.

That's quite a stretch.

Well, it made the old
woman very happy,

and he thought that
would be the end of it.

And the truth has snapped back?

What I'm asking is, what's
the ethical thing to do?

The ethical thing?

Well, that's obvious.

The ethical thing to do

is ask the Reverend Mother.

I... I really hardly
know what to say.

Neither does Carlos.

And when his grandmother
arrives tomorrow,

he's gonna be
in terrible trouble.

You say that his
grandmother has a weak heart?

Yes, and the least shock
can bring on another attack.

She's on her way to
Rome to see the Pope.

She'll only be in
San Juan 24 hours.

And, uh, Senor
Ramirez wants to know

what is the ethical thing to do?

(SIGHING) Well,
Sister Bertrille,

in my opinion,

there is only one
thing to tell him.

There's no
substitute for the truth.

Even if it kills my grandmother?

Well, you asked for our opinion.

Well, the only thing I
wanted was a loophole.

What time does your
grandmother's plane get in?

It landed 20 minutes ago.

You didn't meet
her at the airport?

How could I meet her?

I knew the first thing
she'd say would have been,

"Carlitos, where's your
wife and darling children?"

So I sent Ramon. What
good is that gonna do?

The minute she comes in, she's
gonna say the same exact thing.

Among all these girls, there
should be one temporary wife.

CARLOS: Your sister.

If I hadn't let Jennifer
slip through my hands,

I wouldn't be in
this trouble today.

She was terrific.

For her, I would
have done anything.

Even marry her.

How is she doing?
Is she still in Brazil?

No. I got a letter
from her the other day.

She was asked to read
a paper on obstetrics

at a medical convention
in Miami this week.

Miami, huh?

I better be getting back to
the convent. Oh, no. Sister, no.

My... my grandmother
will be here any minute.

Please, you don't want
to leave me alone with her.

Well, I should think
it would be easier

for you to tell her the truth.

How can I tell her the truth?

Suppose it shocks her
into another heart attack.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Yes?

Carlitos! Abuela!

How wonderful to see you.

You look so well.

You look younger and
younger every year.

Carlos, why did no
you and your wife

come to meet me at the airport?

(STAMMERING)
Well, we didn't... They...

And when do I see the children?

Oh, the children and my wife...

CARLOS: Well...

(SIGHING) That blessed woman

and those angel children.

Believe me, Sister,
if it had not been

for the wife of Carlos
and his children,

I would not be alive today.

Only the thought of seeing
them has kept me breathing.

So where are they?

Well, you can't see them.

Can't see them? No.

There has been an
accident. No, no, no.

Disaster. All three of them.

That is why the nun is here.

And the padre is on his way.

Good. He can give
me the last rites.

No, Abuela, they are
on vacation. On vacation.

Vacation?

Sister, a nun would
not lie to a dying woman.

Are they on vacation?

Well, put it this way,
there's been no accident.

Oh, bless you. Bless you.

When are they coming back?

Not for two weeks.

Two weeks?

Well, if you'll excuse me.

Uh, Sister...

(AMALIA SCREAMS)

You don't have to tell me.

The wife of Carlos.

I would know her anywhere.

That picture doesn't...
Doesn't do her any justice.

Jennifer is much prettier.

Carlitos, how long has
Rome been standing?

Rome? Thousands of years. Why?

So Rome can get along without
Amalia Ramirez for two weeks more.

Two weeks more? Si.

I am staying with you

until your dear wife and
angel children come home.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Oh, Sister, muchas gracias

for helping me get
settled in the hotel.

Oh, well, since Carlos
was so suddenly busy...

He's too thin and
he's working too hard.

After the painters are finished
at his house, I will move in.

Swell. Well, I better be
getting back to the convent.

Oh, no, Sister. One
more minute, please.

We will sit down
here and we will talk

as two women together.

Tell me about Carlos' wife.

What is there to tell?

She's pretty, I know, but a pretty
face does not make a marriage.

Is she a good
wife for my Carlos?

Well,

Senora, I... I really
can't answer that.

You don't like
this Jennifer at all?

Oh, no, I do. I love her.

I mean, she's a
marvelous person.

Any man would be
lucky if she married him.

(AMALIA SIGHS)

How sweet to hear.

You and Jennifer are close?

Like sisters.

That's nice.

And the children?

Sister, your face.

Every time you talk about the
children you look so worried.

You are keeping
something from me.

Uh, now, now, don't get excited.

An incurable disease.

The boy? The girl? Both of them?

Senora, Carlos' children
have never been sick.

Is true? Yeah.

They are healthy. Both of them.

Just like Carlos.

The boy especially.

The girl as sweet as her mother.

That's the way I see
them in my dreams.

Am I not right, Sister?

Yes. Those children are exactly

the way you see
them in your dreams.

Carlos. Oh, you
are just in time.

She's your
grandmother, not mine.

You play 20 Questions with her.

Just in time for what?

To meet Jennifer at the airport.

Jennifer's coming to San Juan?

Yeah. Her plane left
Miami one hour ago.

Well, why is she coming?

Well, after you left
with my grandmother,

I was sitting there looking
at Jennifer's picture,

and all of a sudden I
wanted to hear her voice.

Just like that? Just like that.

I... I called Miami, and, uh, I
called the Chamber of Commerce,

and they traced her down
to the medical convention.

She was so surprised. I bet.

Why is she coming?

Well, we were just
sitting, talking, reminiscing,

and she said, uh, "I wish I could
see her," you know, meaning you,

and I said, "Why don't
you fly down as my guest?"

And Jennifer said yes?

She left for the airport before I
had the chance to say goodbye.

As simple as that?

As simple as that.

Then why don't I believe you?

Come on, let's go. Let's go.

Oh, Jennifer!

Jennifer, it's so
nice to see you.

Jen. Elsie,

what are you doing here? You're
supposed to be in the hospital.

The hospital? Carlos
said it was an emergency.

A matter of life and death.

Sister, please.

Jennifer, it is an emergency.

It is a matter of
life and death.

My grandmother's.

His grandmother?

Jennifer, I want
you to be my wife.

Now, Carlos. Just
for one or two days.

Well, I'm terribly flattered, but
there are certain complications.

I'd like you to meet Dr. Paul
Martinson, my fiance.

How do you do? Her fiance.

Very nice to meet you.

Should we get the
bags? Excuse us.

This web tangled enough
for you, spider, old boy?

Fiance.

I don't know how you
can just sit there like that

after what Carlos did, telling
you I was practically dying.

Well, I should be angry,

but I'm so relieved you aren't
practically dying, that I'm not.

Well, I'm burned up
enough for both of us.

I... I don't know why you didn't
just give him a quick left, a hard right,

and take the next
plane back to Miami.

Well, you and I haven't seen
each other in too long, Elsie.

And since I'm here
compliments of Senor Ramirez,

we might as well enjoy
a little time together.

Yeah.

It is good seeing
you again, Jen.

I know.

And I'm awfully glad you've
had a chance to meet Paul.

Oh, he must think he's
just landed in Cuckoo City.

Well, he is a little confused,

but I explained that
Carlos is a practical joker

with a warped sense of humor.

Warped? The word is "cracked."

I wish you had let
me call room service.

I have enough room
service in hospitals.

Jennifer!

Oh, no.

Jennifer.

Jennifer.

You did this on purpose.

Oh, Sister Bertrille,
on my honor...

On your what?

I can't believe it.

You told me she
was away on vacation.

Well, I... I called her,

and she decided to
come home immediately.

Oh, what a beautiful surprise.

(INAUDIBLE) And
these are the children.

No, Abuela! No, no, no!

(BOTH CHATTERING IN SPANISH)

Abuela, these are
not my children!

I'm sorry.

Oh, Jennifer,

what a moment is this for me.

Here I am at last, face to face

with the wife of Carlos.

Senora Ramirez...

No, Senora Ramirez,

Abuela or call me Grandmother.

Please listen. Carlos
and I, we're... we're not...

Not what? Tell me. Tell me.

There is something wrong
between you two? Is that it?

No. No. There's nothing
wrong between us.

Oh, no?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Oh, please, let
me take your arm.

We have so much to talk about.

I have 1,000
questions to ask you.

Come.

Elsie...

Yeah, yeah. I'll be
along in a minute.

Oh, I cannot believe
this is really happening.

Neither can I.

Where's Jen going?

Dr. Martinson... Uh, Paul,
won't you have a seat?

What about Jen?

Well, I'm afraid
you've joined us

on the horns of a moral dilemma.

And two iced teas. Thank you.

And how many wonderful years

have you two been
married together?

Eight. Ten.

Well, actually
Jennifer is right.

Uh, it just seems longer.

I mean, when you
are so happy together

it's difficult to remember
when you weren't married.

I can remember.

She can remember.

So, lying is wrong, but if
Senora Ramirez hears the truth

she may have a heart attack.

And that's the horns
of our dilemma.

You know, Sister, in
this kind of a situation,

I always remember the words
of my old philosophy teacher,

Professor Mergenthaler.
He always said,

"When you find yourself
on the horns of a dilemma,

"there's only one thing to do.

"Get off." How?

Tell her the truth.

And if you don't, I will.

Who am I to argue with your
old Professor Mergenthaler?

Such happiness.

Only one thing I miss.

When will I see the children?

When does she see the children?

Uh, the children? After lunch.

And, uh, which one is the older?

The girl. The boy.

The boy. The girl.

Actually, the boy's older,
but the girl looks older.

That's right.

The girl is older but, of
course, the boy is taller.

You didn't tell me
where they are.

Where are they?

This one's on you.

Sister. I've got to talk to you.

Well, I wanna talk to your
grandmother. Later, later.

She wants to go to the
convent to see the children.

Oh. Well, the visiting
hours are between...

Not those children. My children.

Your children?

Sister, I beg you. For her
sake, for an old woman's sake,

you've got to find me two
children at the convent.

Now, wait a minute...
Listen, I told my grandmother

that my wife brought
them right back

to the school from the airport.

Now, the boy should be older.

Or is it the girl? Maybe twins.

Carlos, I will not
bring two children

into this charade.
Repeat, will not.

And furthermore, I
think you're a selfish,

heartless, double-dealing rat,

and I'm sorry I ever
said I'd help you.

Sister, wait.

You're right. You're
absolutely right.

And I hope you can forgive me.

I think the truth is best. Yes.

And I will tell my grandmother.

Well, it's about time.

Now, you have to
do me a favor. What?

Don't make any plans
for the next few days.

I will need your
help for the funeral.

Paul, now, be
reasonable. Reasonable?

My fiancee is masquerading
as the wife of another man,

pretending to be the mother of
two children she's never even seen.

And you ask me to be reasonable.

Well, just until
tomorrow morning.

Then you can be as
unreasonable as you like.

Is that our great-grandmother?

Yeah. Come on. Over
here. All right, kids.

Right over here. Over here.

Okay. Now, uh, don't say
any more than you have to.

Just listen and smile.

And remember, we're only doing
this to make an old lady happy.

Are we too early?

BERTRILLE: No. Come on in.

Oh! My little darlings.

Carlitos.

AMALIA: Theresa.

Senora. Senora.

This is Sister Jacqueline.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

Ah! You lucky man.

Two angels.

Let me look at you.

Carlos, he is your son,
you could not deny it.

He has your smile.

And Theresa, her
mother all over.

Have you nothing to say to your
great-grandmother, my angels?

We're just supposed to listen.

And smile.

CARLOS: What
respect for their elders.

That's the training
they get here.

Well, uh, the children have
to go back to the classroom.

But I have just got here.

Rules are rules, aren't
they, Sister Jacqueline?

Oh, yes. Rules are rules.

(SCOFFING) What is a
rule without exception?

Ninos, would you like to go

shopping with
me for toys, ninos?

No, Abuela, you can't do that.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Of course I can.

You will excuse
them, Sister Bertrille?

Well, actually, it's...
It's out of my hands.

Sister Jacqueline is in charge,

and the children are not
allowed off the school grounds,

are they, Sister Jacqueline?

Oh, only on alternate Tuesdays.

But that is not for two weeks.

Rules are rules. Yeah.

Then I am not
leaving for two weeks.

Well, what's a rule
without an exception?

Take them shopping.

(LAUGHING)

Carlitos?

Carlitos?

Carlitos? Pepe.

Yes?

Why do you call him Pepe?

Well, it... it just seems to
suit him better than Carlitos.

You build so well.

What are you going to
be when you grow up?

When I grow up?

I guess I'll be like
Senor Ramirez.

Why does he call his
father Senor Ramirez?

Why does...

Well, I... I think it's because he
has so much respect for Carlos.

I can't understand
why he hasn't come

to take us back to the convent.

I better call him at the office.

Oh. Well, what
time did he leave?

Thank you.

He's on his way, kids. Let's go
down in the lobby and wait for him.

Come on.

Okay.

What a delightful surprise
to run into you, Lisa.

I have to go upstairs.

But tomorrow we'll
have the whole day.

Why don't you all
wait in the lobby

and make yourselves comfortable?

I'll go out and make
sure we don't miss Carlos.

Great-grandmother, look,
there's Senor Ramirez.

Come little ones. Quickly.

What were you doing out here?

Uh, a little future planning.

Oh, swell.

While I'm trying to
figure out how not to lie

without ever telling the truth,

you're out here kidding around.

I wasn't really kidding around.

That's not the word for it.

I've got some good news.

It wasn't easy, but I
persuaded Paul to cooperate.

Just don't, uh, overplay
your hand, Senor.

You can trust me. Now, I
better go up and get the kids.

Oh, I left them down here in
the lobby with Grandmother.

Left them right over... Right...

"Dear Carlos, for an
old lady I see too well.

"First I saw Jennifer and a
strange man kissing in the patio."

Paul.

"Then you, with a
woman at the bar.

"Ruin your own
lives if you must,

"but the children
will not suffer.

"I canceled my trip to Rome.

"Carlos Jr. and
Theresa are flying back

"to Argentina with
me immediately."

Argentina? Immediately.

Maybe I can catch
them at the airport.

ANNOUNCER: (ON PA
SYSTEM) Attention. Attention.

Passengers for Flight
Number 347 to Lima,

with connections for La
Paz and Buenos Aires,

may now board at Gate Number 5.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

Tomorrow you will
be safe in Argentina.

Pepe, where's Argentina?

I think it's near New York.

Oh! Senora. Excuse
me. Senora, wait!

Sister Bertrille. Hi.

Are you going to Argentina, too?

No. I have to explain
something to you.

Explain Carlos with
another woman?

Can you explain about
Jennifer and another man?

Can a nun explain
that? Now, wait...

Now, no, wait, don't get
excited. Oh, my goodness!

Why don't we sit down over
here in this nice little chair?

Excuse us. Would
you make some room

for a lady who's about
to have a heart attack?

Yes. Thank you.

Now, uh, you better
prepare yourself for a shock.

Go ahead. What's one more shock?

It doesn't matter.

Well...

JACQUELINE: Sister Bertrille
unburdened herself of the truth.

She explained that
Jennifer was not Carlos' wife.

That Jennifer was actually
another man's fiancee.

And that the children were hers.

Yours?

JACQUELINE: She hastened to explain
that by "hers," she meant the convent's.

She told her the whole
story of Carlos' deceit

right from the very beginning.

Then she held her breath

and stood by, ready
to call an ambulance.

(SIGHING) Sister,

I am so filled with joy

I could weep.

You... you are? You could?

Oh, what a blessed relief.

That Carlos, to
go to such trouble

because he loves his grandmother

and wants to see her happy.

That wonderful man.

I ask you, Sister,

have you ever known
another man like him?

One is enough.

My grandmother had an
audience with the Pope.

She thinks he's too thin.

So she's giving his
cook her secret recipes.

Oh, I got this letter from Jen.

I thought you might
be interested. Oh.

I hope she's not
mad at me anymore.

Well, judge for yourself.

Such language.

And from an obstetrician.

Well, I learned my lesson.

No more lies. Not
even white ones.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello? Oh, Maria.

A party tonight?

(STUTTERING) No. No, I
have a splitting headache.

Anyway, I'm thinking
about getting married,

so it wouldn't be fair
to go out with you.

Yeah, that's right.

Okay, thank you. Bye-bye.

Uh, no more lies?
Not even white ones?

I didn't lie. No?

You just told her you
had a splitting headache

and were thinking
about getting married.

Well, I am thinking
about getting married.

I'm thinking about
getting married all the time.

And that's giving me
a splitting headache.