The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 2, Episode 13 - The Landlord Cometh - full transcript

JACQUELINE: This is
the Convent San Tanco,

built in 1572 on land
granted by King Philip of Spain

to the De Cordova
family, who rented it to us.

The rent was only $1 a year,

and at those prices,
nobody was complaining.

There was only one catch.

Every 99 years, the
lease had to be renewed.

Now, another 99
years had passed,

and while we waited for the
bank to bring us the new lease,

we decided to commemorate
the occasion with a group picture.

After all, we weren't sure
we'd be around next time.



Okay, everybody say cheese it.

Just plain cheese, Sister.

Plain cheese, fancy cheese,
what's the difference? Smile.

Well, I guess I stuck
my foot in it again.

When Senor Moreno arrived
from the bank that afternoon,

he brought some shocking news.

He will not renew the lease?

But there is a bright
side to the picture.

There is?

Yes. Senor De Cordova

is willing to give you a
reasonable time to get out.

And what is his idea
of a reasonable time?

Say, three weeks.

Boy, I'd sure like to meet
that Senor De Cordova.



I'd like to tell him
a thing or two.

And when you finish, Sister, I'd like
to give him a piece of my mouth, too.

Mind, Sister.

No, I don't mind at all.

Sisters, Sisters, our charity
must extend to everyone,

even Senor De Cordova.

You know, the sad
thing is that to him,

we're probably just
another piece of real estate.

I'm sure he's not familiar with
the work we do, or how we...

Sister, I think you've
got something there.

He probably doesn't even
know about our convent.

All the work we do with the
children, helping the poor people,

the... the clothes
drives, the food baskets,

all the work we do.

We've got to bring him here and let
him know what wonderful people we are.

And how humble.

Our invitation to Senor De
Cordova went out that very afternoon.

Reverend Mother,

you have the sympathies
of Gaspar Fomento

to console you in
this, your great loss.

I insist on... on replacing it.

I am afraid that that will
be impossible, Captain.

It was over 200 years old.

Thank heavens it was not new.

It's here, Reverend Mother.

The letter from
Senor De Cordova.

Here you are. Hello,
Captain Fomento.

BERTRILLE: Is he coming?

Yes. Yes, he is. He...
he will be here on Friday.

Does it not seem
strange to you, Sister,

that suddenly, after 400 years,

a member of the
De Cordova family

should appear and
claim this property?

Why, yes, it does
seem a bit weird to me.

Well, I have a theory in this
case, which leads me to believe

that this so-called De Cordova
calls himself De Cordova,

but is actually really only
De Cordova, so-called.

Do you follow me?

You mean he's a fraud?

I prefer the word imposter.

Captain, I doubt that
that is the case here.

Doubt. The magic word.

If there is room for doubt,
there is room for suspicion.

I beg your pardon.

I assure you, Reverend Mother,

that I will do everything
in my power to see

that the convent
remains undisturbed.

Well, lucky you are moving.

JACQUELINE:
Finally, Friday came,

and we gathered to
await our landlord's arrival.

Sir, do you mind pulling
up your cart a little bit?

We're expecting
a fairly large car.

I'm beginning to think Senor
De Cordova has stood us up.

Sister, I want to...

Sir, I think there
should be someone

out here in a minute
to accept the delivery.

Sister, I am Senor De Cordova.

I usually accept
the delivery, but I...

You're what?

But it was our understanding

that the De Cordova
fortune was considerable.

DE CORDOVA: Oh, it was.

It was until my... my
grandfather invested heavily

in a new invention of
his, the incandescent bulb.

Why, I thought Thomas
Edison invented that.

You know that, and I know that,

but my grandfather,
he did not know that.

DE CORDOVA: And
what was left of the money,

my father put into a
ship of his own design,

a ship that would not sink.

Unfortunately, it
would not float either.

Someone beat him
to the submarine, huh?

By the time of my inheritance,

all that was left was
my father's debts

and this convent.

A sad story.

Yeah, I could cry.

Well, I think I will look around

and see what I
have left in this world.

About a carload of cobblestones
to patch up the courtyard.

Some new tiles for the roof.

It has to be painted, of course.

Well, other than that,

I think the convent's in pretty
good shape, don't you think?

Oh, I couldn't ask
for better tenants.

And believe me,
Sister, wherever you go,

I give you the
best of references.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, truly, Sister,
I'm... I'm sorry.

I'm a pious man. It breaks
my heart to make you leave,

but what else can I do? Yeah.

Well, I suppose after you sell the
convent, you'll be a rich man again.

Oh, no, Sister.

I... I don't want to
be rich again or ever.

At my age, what do
I need with wealth?

I'm 68 years old.

Yeah, well, these days that's
just a junior senior citizen.

No. No, Sister.

A warm bed, some good food,

peace, quiet, a
place for my donkey,

that's all I ask.
That's all I need.

That's all? Really?

At my age, what else is there?

What I'm saying is why
couldn't Fabio live here,

and... and then he could have just what
he wants and we wouldn't have to move?

A man living in the convent,
Sister Bertrille? Impossible.

We could fix up the
gardener's cottage.

That isn't exactly the convent.

No, but still...

And it would be very nice
having a live-in landlord.

I mean, if anything went wrong,

like the plumbing, for
instance, which it always does,

he'd be right there
to complain to.

Yes, but how do we know
that Senor De Cordova

would agree to such
an arrangement?

I've already asked
him. He already has.

Senor De Cordova, we shall
do everything in our power

to see that you are happy here.

How can I not be happy here?

For 30 years, I live alone
in a little fishing village.

While he waited for
our lease to expire.

Now I have all of this
and a wonderful family, too.

Although, I always wanted boys.

Oh, before I forget, senor.

The new lease.

Oh, yes. Of course. Of course.

Is... Is something wrong?

Perhaps I... I should wait.

Wait? For what?

Well, you see, Sister,

in case this arrangement
between us does not work out,

I cannot wait another 99
years to... to get my property.

Good morning, Fabio.
Good morning, Sister Bertrille.

Did you sleep well? Like a baby.

Good. For about one hour.

What was the matter?

It takes a little while to
get used to a new bed.

Is there something
wrong with it?

Oh, no, no, no, no. It... it not the
mattress fault that it don't fit me.

Oh, well, we'll try and
get you a new mattress.

Oh, no, no, Sister.
I would not like to...

But if you're going to get
another mattress, a little longer,

medium firm.

Right.

I brought you your breakfast.

Oh, Sister, I don't like
you to go to all the trouble

of bringing
breakfast to me in...

Poached eggs?

You don't like poached eggs?

Oh, what's the difference,
as long as it's nourishing?

Tell me, what kind
of eggs do you like?

No, Sister, I don't
want you to bother.

Listen, what's a family for if not
to bother every now and then?

Well, if you insist. Make it a
Spanish omelet with onions.

No peppers.

(MUMBLES)

One Spanish omelet. Heavy
on the onions. Kill the peppers.

Coming right up.

Sister Bertrille.
What do I hear?

This so-called De Cordova is
living in a gardener's cottage?

Now don't rock the
boat. He just loves it.

A De Cordova loves
a gardener's cottage?

How quaint. I
certainly would like

to meet this
so-called De Cordova.

Well, you're just in time.

Senor De Cordova,
Captain Fomento.

Captain Fomento,
Senor De Cordova.

Captain, it is always a pleasure

to meet a member
of the armed forces.

San Tanco Police.

It is still a pleasure.

DE CORDOVA: I must be on my way.

Just one moment, senor.

Do you play chess?

I have no knowledge of the
game, Captain. Good day, Sister.

Captain. Mmm-hmm.

It's very interesting,
Sister Bertrille.

But according to my research,

all of the De Cordovas,
outside of one or two exceptions,

were masters of chess.

Well, maybe he's
one of the exceptions.

Or maybe he's an imposter
and... and up to no good.

Oh, Captain, everything
is going just fine.

Please don't upset things.

Oh, do not worry,
Sister Bertrille.

Captain Fomento
is like a shadow.

He walks with the
lightest of steps.

You see. You see.

If he can do this to me, can you
imagine what he can do to you?

So, this is the kitchen.

Oh, Senor Landlord. Come in.

Thank you, Sister.

What... What are you making?

Arroz con pollo. Ah.

Oregano? Oregano
in arroz con pollo?

I shouldn't? Oh, of course.

If you like your
chicken over-seasoned.

Well, if you don't
like it, I won't use it.

Oh, no, no. What
is the difference?

If everybody likes it, use it.

(TSKING)

So much?

Senor, I'm cooking
for 28 people.

You expect to serve
so little to so many?

Well, of course, if
you run out of food...

Chili sauce. Very good.

If you are making
a hot tamale pie.

Senor, would you
like to cook the dinner?

Oh, Sister, I would
not dream of interfering.

JACQUELINE: So, that night
we had chicken a la landlord.

And if that wasn't bad enough,
we also had the landlord.

Please, Sisters, go on with your
dinner. Don't let me disturb you.

So this is where you eat.

Nice. Cozy.

I... I left your dinner in your
cottage, Fabio. Didn't you see it?

Oh, yes, Sister. Thank
you. I'm going to have it later.

After all, cold food
cannot get any colder.

It wasn't cold
when I put it there.

Don't let me disturb
you. And hearty appetite.

Senor De Cordova, would
you like to come in and join us?

Oh, thank you, Reverend Mother,

but I wouldn't
dream of intruding.

Oh, hello, Fabio.

Just taking a
little stroll, Sister.

Don't let me disturb you.

Well, it's almost 8:00.

What happens at 8:00?

8:00, the Masked
Marvel meets El Diablo,

three falls to a
finish, on Channel 8.

You want us to turn to that?

Oh, no, Sisters. You
are enjoying the music.

Well, if you'd rather
watch the wrestling match...

No, it's not important. I can read
in... in... in the newspaper tomorrow

who is the world champion.

My money is on
the Masked Marvel.

(MEN SHOUTING ON TV)

But I don't understand, Sister.

There's plenty for
me to do around here.

Watching the Sisters,
advising them on this and that.

Well, the Reverend Mother
thought it would be better

if you had something of
your own to keep you busy.

Like what?

Well, you said you used
to have a fishing boat.

And this is the same ocean,
with barrels of fish in it.

But, on my fishing
boat, I did not fish.

I used to take out the
tourists so they could fish.

Well, that's even a better idea.

Why don't you bring your boat to
San Tanco and do the same thing here?

Well, Sister, I
would like to, but...

You would? Terrific.

Except my boat sank last year.

Terrific.

I hope you didn't say anything
to offend Senor De Cordova.

No, he just said I'd
given him an idea,

and he'd gone away for
a few days to work on it.

And you have no inkling
of what he had in mind?

No, except it didn't have
anything to do with fishing.

DE CORDOVA (ON
LOUDSPEAKER) Ladies and gentlemen,

you are on the grounds of the
famous Convento San Tanco.

And you are standing
on the very spot

where the pirate, Jean Laffite,

buried a fortune in gold!

But we have no
time to dig for it now!

Sister Bertrille, you...
you gave him this idea?

No. Maybe indirectly, but I...

We must put a stop to this.

How the nuns they live, they
work, they play, and they pray.

Come on, folks!

Fabio, if this is your idea of
an idea, it's not much of an idea.

(WHISPERING) It's perfect.

It gives me something to do
and we earn money besides,

which we will divide 50-50.

Senor De Cordova, I wish
to speak to you at once.

After the tour is over,
Reverend Mother.

Come on, folks!

JACQUELINE: I've
never seen anything like it.

Every time you walk around a
corner, there's somebody there.

I've never seen anything like
it in my life. They're all over.

Every single time
I've gone into the yard,

they're there. I
don't know why...

Sisters, Sisters, Sisters,
one at a time, please.

Reverend Mother,
we must do something.

How can we carry out our duties

with tourists swarming
all over the place?

Right. And this morning, I got
shot four times. Shot, Sister?

Uh. with a camera. You
know. Smile. Look nice.

And one tour a day isn't enough.

No, now he's bringing them
mornings and afternoons.

And when daylight-saving
time's comes, maybe at night, too.

And he says if this
business keeps up,

he's going to start selling
candy prayer beads.

Now, we're certainly
not going to let him

open a soft-drink stand, are we?

Sisters, I know that this is very
distressing, but we must remain calm.

We must keep our cool,
as Sister Bertrille would say.

DE CORDOVA: We will visit
the nuns' sleeping quarters.

(GASPING)

That is the end of my cool.

Sisters, we are going
to tell Senor De Cordova

that we are vacating
the premises.

Come in.

Pardon me, senor. I was
looking for Sister Bertrille.

I believe Sister Bertrille is in
the convent, where she always is.

Well, as long as I'm here,
do you mind if I sit down?

As you wish.

You know, Senor De Cordova,

I was reading about your
family in the public library.

My family would be
very flattered, Captain.

Especially of your
father, Senor...

I forgot his first name.

Sebastian.

Correct.

I believe he was
quite an epicure, huh?

His favorite dish was,
if I recall, rather exotic.

Wild boar's head
stuffed with rice.

Correct. Senor, do
you know what I think

was the most interesting
thing about your father?

The strawberry birthmark
on his left shoulder.

Right shoulder, Captain.

Right again. I see that we have
been going to the same library.

Is there anything else?

Yes.

Momentarily, I am waiting
for a communication

from a distant cousin of yours,

one Mercedes De Cordova,
who now lives in San Juan.

And how does this concern me?

This may open the
door, Senor De Cordova,

to something I have been
most suspicious lately.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Sister Bertrille!
Sister Bertrille!

Oh, well, I'm sorry, Captain.
I can't talk to you now.

I have to go tell
Fabio we're moving.

Oh, but momentarily
I'm expecting evidence

that will make your
moving unnecessary.

Really? Oh, I forgot. This just
came for you by messenger.

This is the proof
I've been waiting for.

This will help me to
unmask the imposter.

Here is the real Senor
Fabio De Cordova.

Excuse me, Captain. I have
to go tell Fabio we're moving.

I would like to come along with
you and tell Senor De Cordova

that he is exonerated
once and for all,

beyond any shadow of a doubt.

He's not here. All
his things are gone.

What is this?

It's addressed to
the Reverend Mother.

"I know that Captain
Fomento is on to me

"and the fact that 30 years
ago, I committed a crime."

A criminal. I
knew it all the time.

Five minutes ago, you
were exonerating him.

Exactly. That's
why we exonerate.

You see, in the
course of exoneration,

we often find out that a crime
has been committed. Yes.

"For my crime, I would
get at least 20 years in jail.

"Since I will not live that long

"and do not want to
cheat the government,

"I am leaving San
Tanco forever. Fabio.

"P.S. I am deeding the
convent to the church."

And here is the deed.

Oh, he signed it. I knew he'd
sign it. It was just a matter of...

He didn't sign it. Oh, dear.

Now it will never be signed.

Well, if he's
traveling by donkey,

he couldn't have
gotten very far by now.

Reverend Mother,
if you'll excuse me,

I think I'll go out
and buzz the area.

Buzz?

Buzz.

Sister Bertrille, how
did you get here?

I... I took a shortcut.

Thank you.

You... You found my note?

Yes, but you left in such a
hurry you forgot to sign the deed.

(EXCLAIMS)

Give me. I... I sign
it now. Thank you.

You know, um, Fabio, you
don't look like a criminal.

Looks are deceiving.

Yeah. Well, if you
don't want to tell me...

No, no, no. I want to
tell you. I want to tell you.

Many years ago, a young
woman fell in love with me.

She had money,
but no family name.

I had a family
name, but no money.

A perfect match.

But the night before the
wedding, I left San Tanco.

That's a crime?

When I left, I took the young
woman's dowry with me.

That's a crime.

Now, I am going to her, and if
she will have me, we will be married.

And then, I will no
longer be a criminal.

Fabio, that's so nice.

Well, Fabio, thank you so
much. We'll never forget you.

Don't forget to get the deed over
to Reverend Mother right away.

Oh, I will, via air mail.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Sisters, it's here! Hey,
hey, hey. Look, look, look.

What? We got a
postcard from Fabio.

Oh, how wonderful.
What does he say?

He says, "Dear Sisters,

"I thought you would like to
know that I have found my Sarita,

"and we will be married
within the month.

"We are planning
to visit San Tanco."

Oh, how nice. Maybe
we'll get to see them.

Yes, I think so,

because he wants to spend his
honeymoon in our gardener's cottage.

Will it not be a little
crowded with two?

Sure. It'll be just like
two peas in a pad.

Pod, Sister.

"P.S. Please don't
go to any trouble,

"even though Sarita
is allergic to gas heat.

"Don't bother to remove the
heater unless it's convenient.

"And if you happen to have a
double bed around the place..."