The Flintstones (1960–1966): Season 3, Episode 16 - The Kissing Burglar - full transcript

That was Fred
running down the road?

Barney, help me! Ow!

Hey, Fred, this way!

Betty: Yeah, Fred.
Hop on.

Come back here,
you creep!

That was that
kissing burglar's wife.

If the burglar's wife
was outside your house,

The burglar
must be close.

That's right!
Step on it, Barney!

Wilma's in danger.

[Squawk]



Yabba-Dabba-Doo!

Flintstones,
meet the Flintstones

They're the modern
stone age family

From the town of bedrock

They're a page
right out of history

Let's ride with the family
down the street

Through the courtesy
of Fred's two feet

When you're
with the Flintstones

Have a yabba-Dabba-Doo time

A dabba-Doo time

We'll have a gay old time

[Snoring]

[Kiss]

Ha ha ha ha.



Oh, Henry.
Ha ha ha ha.

Huh? Wha--Wha--

What's the matter?
What's the matter?

Kiss me again, Henry.

Oh, go to sleep, Gladys.

You're having
a nightmare.

Huh? Didn't you
just kiss me?

Are you kidding?

Well, someone did.

And there he goes!

He's getting away!
Darn it.

Hey! It's
the kissing burglar.

We've been robbed.
Stop, thief!

Come back, you crook!

Anytime.
Ha ha ha ha.

Help! Police!
He's getting away.

Stop that thief!

Oh, no, you don't.

Stop him! Stop him!

Help! Thief!

I caught him
with the goods!

[Crash]

Hey, pipe down,
will you?

What's all
the racket about?

It's the kissing
burglar--

Just robbed my house
and kissed my wife, too.

Need any help?

No, he did it
all by himself.

He got away
from me, though.

I'm--I'm sorry
to wake you.

Good night.

Ehh, sorry to wake me,
he says.

Take me all night
to get back to sleep.

[Snoring]

Fred?

Fred, what was
all that noise?

Nothing.
Go back to sleep, Wilma.

That was the noisiest
nothing I ever heard.

Oh, some guy down
the street

Got robbed by
the kissing burglar.

Good night, Wilma.

Good night, Fred.

The kissing burglar?
In our neighborhood?

Oh, how thrilling.

Fred: hold it, hold it.

Where do you think
you're going?

To call Betty and tell her
the good news.

At 3:00 in the morning?
Go back to bed!

I don't care
if we're being invaded

By giant purple
dinosaurs!

The news can wait.
I got to get some sleep.

Good night.

Good night, Fred.

[Snoring]

Fred, I have something
to tell you.

[Moans]
alright.

Say it, and then let me
get back to sleep.

It wasn't important,
Fred. Forget it.

Oh, Wilma.

Well, if you must know,

I've been thinking about
the kissing burglar.

You know,
how romantic he is

And what a gentleman.

Oh, sure he is.
He raises his hand

And says, "may I?"
Before he steals you blind.

What's wrong with you,
Wilma?

[Snoring]

I don't know, Fred.

The whole idea
is so charming.

He always leaves
a rose,

Kisses the lady.

They say he has
a mustache that tickles.

[Snores]

So it's worth being robbed
for a few laughs?

Are you nuts?
The guy's a crook, remember?

I know I'm being silly.

But I just had to tell
you what I was thinking.

Good night, Fred.

Good night.

So that's what you've
been thinking, huh?

Fred, it's late.
Try to get some sleep.

Well, you started this.

Pleasant dreams, Fred.

Oh, swell.
You lie there and tell me

You can't get
the romantic kissing burglar

Out of your mind,

Then you just fall asleep
and expect me to forget it.

Well, I want
to say this, Wilma. I--

Wilma, wake up
and finish the argument!

Oh, why can't someone
invent something

For us guys to marry
besides women?

Which brings us to friday,

When he worked his way
down bedrock boulevard.

Bedrock boulevard.

Mm. And last night
he hit rocky way.

Rocky way.

And that brings us
right up to date.

Ok, needles,
you can go now.

What am I supposed to do

For a winter coat
this year, buy mink?

There's no doubt
about it, Betty.

According to
his pattern,

Cobblestone lane
is next.

You're right, Wilma.

He's working
straight as an arrow.

And it's pointed
straight at us.

Don't worry, girls.
We will protect you.

Tell 'em what we'll do
to that burglar

If we catch him, Fred.

[Snores] huh?

Oh, oh.

Kiss him.

Huh?

Gee, Wilma, I'd love
to see him in person.

So would I, Betty.

But there's not much
chance of that.

What would he steal?

You have a point there.

Fred and Barney haven't
exactly showered us

With expensive presents,
have they?

Oh, I don't know.

Fred gave me a ring
yesterday.

He did?

Mm-Hmm. He called me
on the phone.

Heh heh heh heh!

"Heh heh heh."
Very funny, very funny.

First you keep me
awake all night

Talking about
that kissing burglar,

And now you say
I never gave you anything

Good enough to steal.

Oh, Fred, we were
only kidding.

Yeah,
calm down, Fred.

Well, I'm not.
What about this?

Hold onto it, Fred.
I'll kill it for you!

What is it,
for heaven's sake?

Oh, that was my ninth
anniversary present.

Yeah, yeah.
But what is it?

It's a genuine alaskan
tibbar stole,

That's what it is.

Alaskan tibbar?

That's "rabbit"
spelled backwards.

Shall we change
the subject, Fred?

How about a nice snack
in the kitchen?

I don't want no snack.

Boy, this must be serious.

Fred refusing to eat?
Shee!

Wilma:
come on, Betty.

I'll make you
a sandwich.

I never see you
wearing this fur, Wilma?

Why don't you
ever wear it?

You don't really want me
to answer that, do you?

Now, how can you say

I never gave you
an expensive present

When I gave you this?

Expensive?
That cheap thing?

It was not cheap.
I spent $9.

You shouldn't have
reminded me, Fred.

$9 for 9 years
of washing your clothes,

Cooking your meals,
ironing your shirts,

Polishing your bowling ball,
raising your children.

You don't have
any children.

What do you expect
for $1 a year?

How do you like that?
Another comedienne.

Yeah, yeah, women used
to be happy making beds.

Now they got to
make jokes.

Come on, Barney.
Let's go.

Where are you going?

Out for a walk. I want to
be alone with Barney.

Wilma: wait a minute.
Here's your snack.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Honestly, Fred.

We were just having
a little fun.

Wilma,
when we got married,

I promised to take you
for better or worse.

No one said anything
about fun.

Come on, Barney.

Boy, are they
acting childish.

Yeah, do you ever get
the feeling

We're robbing
the cradle?

Like mother
always said,

Men will be boys.

[Both laugh]

Some women
are never satisfied.

She wanted a fur.
So I gave her one--

Marked down a little,
but in good condition.

Wilma don't think so.
She don't even think

A burglar
would steal it.

Shows how much she knows.
Any good burglar

Would jump at a chance
to steal that stole.

Then she'd be
sorry, huh, Fred?

Barney, that's it!

[Muffled]
what's it, Fred?

Wilma's dying to meet
the kissing burglar, right?

Right.

So I'll disguise
myself as him,

And show her that meeting
a robber face-To-Face

Is no romantic adventure.

I don't know, Fred.
If Wilma don't act

Like you think
she ought to,

You're gonna get mad.

Barney, I know my Wilma.
She'll scream for help.

I'll jump out of the window,
tear off the disguise,

And run back in
to rescue her.

Um, I don't know, Fred.

It's a perfect plan.

Come on,
Wilma learns a lesson.

And I've heard
the last

Of the romantic
kissing burglar.

Gee, I don't know, Fred.

Romantic
kissing burglar, huh?

You're a creepy
headline grabber.

And it's going to stop
right now.

Do I make myself clear?

[Sniffs]

Quite clear, my dear,
but--

Aw, shut up.

Look at them bills,
buster.

Roses ain't cheap,
you know.

I realize that, my pet--

Shut up!

Why did I have
to get hitched up

With a kissing creep,
who gives away roses, yet?

I could have married
sammy the safecracker

Or freddie the finch,
or pete the pickpocket,

Good, honest crooks.

[Sniffs]
but, angel--

Oh, shut up.
From now on,

You use the good
old fashion methods,

Pure and simple robbery.

No roses and no kissing.

I got to go out now.

And get rid
of the flowers!

Yes, dear,
if you insist.

Good-Bye.

Sometimes I wonder
why I love her so.

Honestly, Betty, I can't
afford these prices.

I know what you mean.

Wouldn't it be nice
if our husbands were rich

Instead of, uh...

instead of...

handsome?

[Both laugh]

Oh, well, Fred says
someday he will be rich,

And then he'll shower me
with diamonds and furs.

Well, if he does,
you better pick them out.

I've seen
his taste in fur.

Well, he means well,

And it never hurts
to dream.

Uh-Oh. I can see the story
in the paper now--

"Fred Flintstone,

"Who has just inherited
$1 million,

"Is showering
his wife Wilma

With a large collection of
priceless diamonds and furs."

Fred Flintstone. Flintstone.

I'll find the address
in the phone book,

And that no-Good husband
of mine

Is gonna do it my way.

The caper's tonight.
You got it, sam?

Oh, sure, Fred,
but it's not sam.

It's me--
Your pal Barney.

Oh! Oh! I get it.
The plan.

Uh, everything's
straight, nate.

I get you out
of the house

With a phone call.

Then I take Betty
to a movie

So Wilma will be
all alone.

Check. I change into
my disguise at your house--

Who are you
talking to, Fred?

Fred: and, uh,
no, thanks, Barney.

Wilma and I don't want to go
to the movies tonight.

We're going to spend a nice,
quiet evening at home.

Well, cheerio, my love.

I'm off to work now.

Hold it.

Here's where I want
you to work tonight--

323 cobblestone lane.

Some guy
named Fred Flintstone

Just struck it rich.

Yes, yes.

And remember,
no kissing

And no...

[sniffing]

What's that I smell?

Nothing but your own
sweet fragrance,

My buttercup.

Ok, wise guy,
hand it over.

Uh, but, pet,
it's my last.

I promise.

One for the road,
you might say.

Right now.

Yes, dear.

And this will be
your neck

If I find lipstick
on you tonight.

Now get out there

And steal
like a man.

Yes, my sweet.

I don't trust that creep.

I'm going to follow him
and see if he obeys orders.

[Typing]

Nothing like a nice,
quiet evening at home,

Huh, Wilma?

Mm-Hmm.

What are you doing?

- Typing some letters.
- Oh.

[Ding]

Was that the phone?

No, Fred. That was
the typewriter bell.

I--I--I thought
I heard the phone.

My, you're nervous.
Are you expecting a call?

[Laughs] no.
Why do you say that?

[Telephone rings]

I'll get it!
It's for me!

[Panting]

Saved by the bell.
I'm bushed.

Hello, barn--

Oh, joe rockhead.

What?
I have to come down

To the lodge
tonight, joe?

But Wilma
and I were, uh...

well, alright.

If it's
that important.

Yeah.
I'll be right there.

Hey, guess who
just called.

Joe Rockhead.
And he wants you

To go down to the lodge.
Bye, Fred.

Joe Rockhead.
He wants me to go down to--

Oh, you heard, eh?

I don't like
to leave you alone, Wilma.

Dangerous criminals
are running around.

Don't be silly, Fred.

You run along.
I'll be alright.

Wilma, you're
a brave girl. Good-Bye.

Now what's he up to?

Gladys and Joe Rockhead

Left for their vacation
2 days ago.

[Telephone ringing]

That's the phone again.

Don't go away, punchie.
I'll be right back.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure, sure.

Hello?

Betty: Wilma?

Something funny's
going on

Between Barney
and Fred.

Yes, I noticed.

Barney insisted I go
to the movies tonight.

And when we left,
I looked back

And I saw Fred
sneaking into our house

Carrying some clothes
and a rose.

A rose, huh?

And he made very sure
I was alone tonight.

Sounds like he's
on one of his

Somebody's-Got-To-Be-
Taught-A-Lesson kicks.

What are you
going to do?

Let somebody
be taught a lesson,

And you know who.
Ha ha ha ha!

I'll make an excuse
to Barney

And get right back.

I don't want
to miss this. Ha ha ha!

Boy, will I teach Wilma
a lesson

She'll never forget.

[Door opens]

[British accent]
uh, pardon me, madam.

Please, don't move.

Who's there?

Don't scream.

I won't harm you
if you cooperate.

What do you want?

Your valuables, my dear.

And perhaps, uh,
a little kiss.

Heh. Ha ha ha ha!

Ohh,
then you must be

The romantic
kissing burglar.

Quite right.

I am he,
but don't be alarmed.

Oh, I'm not.
I had a feeling

You would come here
tonight.

I hate to disappoint
you, big boy,

But I don't have
any valuables,

Just little old me.

Oh, but surely
a beautiful lady like you

Must have
a generous husband.

A fur, perhaps?

My husband's
a cheapskate.

He is not!

Uh, I mean, is that so?

But you're just
as handsome

As I thought
you'd be.

Don't scream.
It won't help you.

Who's screaming?

I've been dying
to meet you.

Enough of this small talk.

Your valuables, instantly.

Ok, but it's
a waste of time.

This is it.
Instant valuables.

What do you think
of it?

Aha! I knew it.
This is beautiful.

Exquisite.
And obviously worth more

Than your husband
paid for it.

So wear it
in good health.

It's too,
too beautiful, madame.

I can't deprive you of
this priceless possession.

Sure you can. Try.

I don't know
what to say.

Say goodbye
and give me my rose.

Uh...yes.

[Clears throat]
au revoir, my dear.

Um, aren't you
forgetting something?

Forgetting
something, madame?

Mmm.

[Kissing noises]

You don't want
to kiss

A perfect stranger,
do you?

Don't mind if I do.

[Kissing noises]

Why, that two-Timing creep.

I warned him.

You're the most
perfect stranger

I ever met.

Fred: help!

Come back here,
you creepy crook.

I warned you.
Now you're gonna get it!

Huh? Hey,
what's going on?

Gee, Betty,
I don't know why

You wouldn't stay
to see the movie.

Because I'd rather watch
the late show at home.

Well, Fred's not
gonna like it.

I mean, uh...

sure you won't
change your mind?

Positive,
and hurry, Barney.

I don't want
to miss anything.

Ha ha ha ha. Poor Fred.

I'll never forget
the look on his face.

Oh, but he's so sweet.

[Door opens]

Uh, pardon me, madam.

Please don't move.

Oh, honestly,
not again.

Don't scream.

I won't hurt you
if you cooperate.

Well,
what do you want?

Your valuables,
my dear.

Oh, you forgot to say,
"perhaps a little kiss."

Heh heh heh heh.

I beg your pardon?

Ok, Fred,
the game's over.

Take off that getup
and act your age.

[Gasps]

You're not Fred!

Well, no.
Actually, I'm--

The kissing burglar
for real.

Help!

Fred, help! No!

No, no. No, stop it.
Please, stop it.

Help, Fred! Aah!

Oh! I can't stand
loud voices.

Nerves all shot.
My wife, you know.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I won't scream anymore.

Oh, thank you.

That's awfully sporting
of you, madame.

Don't know
what got into me.

First time I ever
went to pieces on the job.

You've probably been
working too hard.

Here, lie down
on the couch

And rest a while.

Thank you, madame.

Unprofessional of me,
though.

Bad show and all that.
My analyst warned me.

Said it could
happen anytime.

You poor man.

Why not tell me
about it?

How did you come to
this life of crime?

Well, it all started
when I was a little chap,

Not more than 4,
I should say.

Barney, don't you think
we should stop in

And make sure
Wilma's ok?

How come?

Well, with that burglar
running around

And Fred
down at the lodge--

Oh, Fred's not
at the lodge. I mean--

Uh-Huh. Where is he
tonight, Barney?

I'm no tattletale.

You mean you won't tell me,
your own wife,

That Fred was dressing up
as the kissing burglar

To teach Wilma a lesson?

Well, in that case
I won't tell you

That Wilma knows
all about it

And is probably laughing
at him right now.

Oh, I don't know
about that.

Fred may have
convinced her.

He's a pretty good
actor, you know.

Barney, look.

Barney: wouldn't you
swear that was Fred

Running down
the road?

Fred: Barney, help me! Ow!

Barney, it is Fred.
Let's help him.

Ok, Betty.
Hey, Fred, this way!

Betty:
yeah, Fred. Hop on.

Come back here,
you creep.

Thanks, Barney.

Don't mention it,
Fred.

That was that
kissing burglar's wife.

Oh, Fred!

If the burglar's wife
was outside your house,

The burglar must be
somewhere close.

Hey, that's right.

Step on it, Barney!
Wilma's in danger!

Well, doctor...

Uh, mrs. Flintstone,

What do you think?

No doubt about it.

You need a good,
long rest

In a nice,
quiet cell

With no one
to bother you.

Oh, I say,
that sounds wonderful.

Could you possibly
arrange it?

Sure. I'll call
the police right now,

If you like.

Oh, please do.

You're very kind,
dear lady.

Barney, can't you go
any faster?

Only if I use my
auxiliary motor, Fred.

Well, use it!

Ok, Fred.

Ah...delightful.

Really, mrs. Flintstone,

If there's anything I can do
to show my appreciation.

[Car pulls up]

Hold on.

There may be.

It's my husband.
Help me put on an act

To make him jealous.
Put on your mask.

It would be
a pleasure, my dear.

Wilma: oh!
Oh, kissing burglar!

You're back! Oh! Oh!

He's in there.

Hold on, Wilma!
I'll save you!

Unhand that woman,
you creepy crook.

He must know
my wife.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ok, burglar,
you asked for it.

Oh, go away, Fred.

Alright, you guys.
Break it up.

Hey, there's
two of them.

This is the guy we want.

I'd know that
sneaky look anywhere.

You see, Betty?

I told you Fred
was a good actor.

Alright,
buster.

Down to the hoosegow
with you.

Hey, wait a minute!
I'm not the kissing burglar.

Tell them, Wilma.

Well, lady?
How about it?

Goodness,
I'm all confused.

He told me he was
the kissing burglar.

Fred: Wilma!

Ok, bub. Come along.

Wait a minute.
Barney, tell him the plan.

Plan? Oh, yeah.
Sure, Fred.

Well, you see,
officers,

He put his kissing
burglar disguise on

Over at my place,

And then
when Wilma here--

That's mrs. Flintstone,
was alone--

Fred: oh, boy.

Now, just one moment,
gentlemen.

This fellow is obviously
an impostor.

I'm the chap you want.

Alright, alright.
I don't care who it is,

But one of you
has got to come with me.

Arrivederci,
my dear lady.

Au revoir.
Do svidania.

Hasta la vista,
tally ho,

And all that sort
of thing. Ha ha.

It's been
simply delightful.

Oh!
Heh heh heh heh!

I do hope
you can arrange a cell

With southern exposure.

On the second floor,
if possible.

I'll need absolute quiet,
you know.

Well, I'm glad
that's over.

Oh, Wilma,
what an adventure.

Thank goodness
you're safe.

You sure acted brave,
Wilma. Heh.

Aren't you happy
I'm safe, Fred?

Yeah, sure.

I'm happy that you
and that creepy burglar

Got to be
such good friends.

I'm hysterical.

Well, someone had
to teach you a lesson

About teaching
other people a lesson.

Oh, heh heh heh.
That.

Shame on you, Fred,

Dressing up in this outfit
and scaring me half to death.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I'm a heel.

Oh. That's
alright, Fred.

I forgive you.

Come on, Barney,
let's go home.

Everything's
back to normal.

Yep. Tomorrow's
another day.

Ha ha ha ha!

What a night.

Fred: yeah.
Goodnight, Wilma.

[Sighs]

What are you doing
with that rose?

Saving it
as a memento, Fred.

Goodnight, dear.

Goodnight.

[Snoring]

Memento of what?

My adventure
tonight.

Now, get some
sleep, Fred.

Yeah. Ok.

I was the one who gave you
that rose, you know!

I know.

Wilma, are you sure?

Sure of what?

That you knew
it was me all along?

Yes, dear. Mwah.

Now go to sleep.

Wilma, that's not
how you kissed me

When you thought
I was the kissing burglar!

Oh, honestly, Fred.
Go to sleep.

Wilma, once and for all,

Did you or did you not
know it was me

When you kissed me?

Really, Fred.

Would I kiss
a perfect stranger?

I don't know.

I just don't know.

Flintstones,
meet the Flintstones

They're the modern
stone age family

From the town of bedrock

They're a page
right out of history

Someday, maybe Fred
will win the fight

Then that cat will
stay out for the night

When you're
with the Flintstones

Have a yabba-Dabba-Doo time

A dabba-Doo time

We'll have a gay old time

We'll have a gay old time

Wilma!