The Flintstones (1960–1966): Season 1, Episode 19 - The Hot Piano - full transcript

There she is, a genuine Stoneway.

Boy, that's just what I wanted.

I'll take it. Can you deliver it tonight?

You're joshing me, bud.

I'm not. It's got to be there
when she wakes up in the morning.

Sorry, bud.

I can't move a piano by myself.

How's about
your muscular little friend there...

giving you a hand.

Come here, my muscular little friend.

It's no use, Fred.
The piano is too fat for the door.



What do you mean, "too fat"?

Stand back
while I throw a little weight on it.

But, Fred, you're a lot of weight.

- Fred.
- Yes, honey.

I must be dreaming. A piano just went by.

Happy anniversary
Happy anniversary

Nothing here.

Wilma!

- Yes, Fred.
- Breakfast ready?

Almost. I'll call you.

Happy anniversary

Nothing here.

And nothing here, either.

I'll have to jiggle this boy's memory.



After all, your tenth anniversary
comes only once in ten years...

and I don't intend to let it go by
without a struggle.

- Your juice is ready, Fred.
- Be right with you, honey.

- Fred?
- Yeah.

I'll bet you don't know
what day tomorrow is.

Sure I do.

Tomorrow is Thursday,
followed by Friday as usual.

And to elaborate further on the subject...

today is Wednesday,
preceded by Tuesday as usual.

And where is my breakfast as usual?

Here comes the toast
Here comes the toast

What do you know, heart-shaped toast.

Now, does that remind you of anything?

You mean tomorrow
is St. Valentine's Day?

You're not even warm.

Does this thing on my head
mean anything to you?

Don't tell me. You either got a headache,
or it's your dusting day.

I tried.

So long, honey, I'm late for work.
And take care of your headache.

I've been taking care of him for years.

WI ma! I remember!

How could I forget such an important day?

- You remember?
- Sure.

Tomorrow is the day
they collect the trash.

- Hello.
- Hi, Wilma.

- Hi, Betty.
- Did you win?

No, I'm glad I didn't bet on it.

I hit him with everything
but rice and old shoes...

and he still didn't remember
tomorrow is our anniversary.

Try the bridal veil routine.
That never misses.

- Wanna bet?
- It did?

- What now?
- Now what am I gonna do?

Simple. Since I'm dressed for it,
I might as well do some dusting.

Bye.

- Barney-boy, I was superb.
- I got to hand it to you, Fred.

Wilma hit me with everything
except rice and old shoes...

trying to make me
remember our anniversary.

- But I acted dumb.
- How could she tell the difference?

How would you like to be called
Fat-lipped Barney?

Just kidding, Freddie.
What I want to know is...

how come you remembered
your anniversary this year?

Easy, I never forget trash day...

and this year our wedding anniversary
falls on trash day.

You always were lucky.
So, what are you going to get her?

- You know how it goes every year.
- Yeah, Wilma gets you a tie.

- Right. And I always forget. Right?
- Right.

- Then I run out and buy some flowers.
- Right.

And Wilma doesn't speak to me
for two weeks.

Right. Happens every year.

This year, I'm getting her
something she's wanted for 10 years.

Yup, I am going all out.

- What is it, Fred? I'm agoggles.
- Keep your shirt on, Barney-boy.

Here we are.

- What are you getting her in here, Fred?
- What do you think?

- Go ahead, take a little guess.
- I don't have to guess.

You're getting her this new album:

- No. Guess again.
- Don't tell me, Fred. A Xylophone?

I can't stand amateurs.

How thoughtful of you, Fred.

- No, Barney, not a Xylophone.
- What's left, Fred?

Remember that $50 in prize money I got...

for winning
the lodge bowling tournament?

- Yeah.
- I'm blowing the whole roll.

No, Fred.

Yeah, when Wilma opens her eyes
tomorrow morning...

the first thing she is
going to see is this.

A piano?

Fingers. Now, let's not wrinkle the piano.

If it isn't Mr. Flintstone,
the anniversary boy.

Don't forget now, tomorrow is trash day.

Never mind that.
I've decided to buy a piano.

Good. Shall I wrap it up,
or will you play it here?

Not so fast.
How do I know this piano is any good?

- Would you like to try an arpeggio?
- No, I have my heart set on a piano.

That sounds like a good one to me.

Yeah, 1 out of 88. What does that prove?

Stop picking on the little fellow.

- Go ahead and play, Shorty.
- Thanks. I'm a little rusty, though.

- Barney, if you're gonna play, play.
- He has to limber up, doesn't he?

Now let's see, how does that tune go?

Good, I know that one.

- Thank you.
- Not at all, carry on.

- Do you mind if I cut in?
- Be my guest.

Oh, boy.

- Nice touch.
- Thank you.

- All right, I'm convinced.
- Be quiet, we're coming to the finale.

Say, did you study
with Professor Pesecare?

Five years.

I knew it. I recognized your pianissimo.

Thank you.

Clever.

All right, knock it off!

- What are you, a music hater?
- No, I'm a piano purchaser.

I remember you, the anniversary boy.
Do you see anything you like?

- Yeah, the one you've been playing on.
- You have good taste.

- It's a genuine Stoneway.
- When can you deliver?

- It's your piano, when do you want it?
- Tonight, after my wife is asleep.

Aren't we sneaky!

- And when do we expect to pay for it?
- Right now.

Good, that'll be $1,500.

- $1,500?
- He's only got $50.

We have a nice piano stool
in that price range.

Yeah, that's a good start, Fred.
Then you could buy the piano next year.

Are you kidding?
The anniversary is tomorrow.

Now, what will I do?

Why don't you forget it,
like you do every year?

Cheer up, Fred.
You can buy a lot of flowers with that $50.

How about one of them
big flower horseshoes...

- with "good luck" written on it?
- No.

I wanted something special.

Hey, bud.

- Did you call me?
- Yeah, come here a minute.

- You want to talk to me about something?
- Yeah.

You look like a pretty hot piano player
to me.

- I play a little Chopsticks.
- That's what I thought.

How would you like
to pick up a pretty hot piano?

- Sure, where's your store?
- I don't have no store.

- Where's the piano?
- Around the corner, in a truck.

I don't need a store. No big overhead...

- no smart-aleck salesman.
- Yeah.

I even park the truck
in the low-rent district...

and pass the savings on to you.

- That makes sense, Fred.
- Yeah, let's see the piano.

Sure. Follow me, bud.

There she is, a genuine Stoneway.

Boy, that's just what I wanted. How much?

How much were you thinking
of spending, bud?

I don't think I can afford it.
All I got is $50.

By a strange coincidence...

that's exactly what I'm asking for this box.

You mean I can have it for $50?
Did you hear that, Barn?

Hold it. Do you get a guarantee with it?

Certainly. I guarantee it's a piano...

and when 88 Fingers Louie
makes that guarantee...

he stands by it.

That's good enough for me.

I'll take it. Can you deliver it tonight?

You're joshing me, bud.

I'm not. It's got to be there
when she wakes up in the morning.

Sorry, no dice, bud.

With me, it's strictly cash-and-carry.

Give me the cash, and you carry.

I can't move a piano by myself.

How's about
your muscular little friend there...

- giving you a hand?
- Yeah.

- How about it, Barney?
- No, not me, Fred.

I'm not a piano mover.
Besides, I am too little and puny.

- Barney!
- And besides...

Come here, my muscular little friend.

Besides, I've been sick, Fred. Honest.

What kind of a friend are you
that won't help a neighbor...

with his wife's anniversary present?

Gee, I'm sorry, Fred,
I'm ashamed of myself.

You should be.

Now hold steady
while I back the car in under it.

Attaboy. Easy now, let it down slow.

- Good. Hang on, Barney.
- Right, Fred.

Just remember, watch those bumps.

I'll watch the bumps, you watch the piano.

Why don't you just come out and ask him?

What did you get me for our anniversary?

- You know we can't do that.
- Why not?

Because we're women, that's why.
Besides, you know the code:

Make them think it's their own idea.

Yeah, and then if they forget...

we make them feel miserable
for the rest of the year.

He might still remember,
and that will surprise you.

And, listen,
call me if he comes home with anything.

I won't be able to.
I'll be in a state of shock.

There goes Betty,
heading back towards my house.

Good, now come on, don't let her see you.

Okay. Now, let's take it from the top.

First, we hide the piano
back at the garage, so Wilma can't see it.

- Right.
- Second...

I go into the house and play dumb.
And no cracks.

- Right.
- Third, after she's asleep...

you sneak the piano into the house.

- Right?
- Wrong.

You got me doing a solo,
and I see it as more of a duet.

All right, I'll help you carry it in.

Now, remember,
we meet here at midnight.

- "Aren't we sneaky!"
- Oh, boy.

- Wilma, I'm home.
- Fred.

What's that for?

Nothing. I just wanted to see
if you brought anything home with you.

- I did, honey.
- You did? What?

An appetite like an elephant.

Too bad you don't have a memory like one.

It's after midnight and no Fred.
He must have overslept.

Fred.

I'll flip a pebble in there.
He'll thank me for waking him up.

Boy, what a sound sleeper.
I'll try something bigger.

I'm sorry about that rock, Fred.

Stop talking and start pushing.

I'm pushing, Fred.

I'm sorry again, Fred.

So help me, if you bust that piano...

It's okay, Fred, listen.

You pinhead.

Thanks, Fred. That was a close one.

I promise, Fred, I'll be careful...

- and I won't make a sound.
- Good.

And I promise I'll never make the mistake
of asking you for help again.

- But it's heavy, Fred.
- Whoever heard of a light piano.

Just don't drop it.

What happened?

Oh, no.

Don't worry, Fred, I know what to do.

Let's get on with it, Fred.

I gotta stop eating
in those cheap restaurants.

- She all set, Barney?
- She's all set, Fred.

- Now keep it quiet.
- Right, Fred.

Heave.

Quiet!

Fred, is that you?

- What was that crash?
- It's nothing, honey.

You were just having a loud nightmare.

- Good night.
- Good night, darling.

- Barney.
- Yeah, Fred?

Quit your stalling.
We're taking it in through the front door.

Right. I didn't mean
to lie down on the job, Fred.

It's no use, Fred.
The piano is too fat for the door.

- What do you mean, "too fat"?
- It won't go through. It's stuck.

Stuck? Stand back
while I throw a little weight on it.

But, Fred, you're a lot of weight.

- Fred.
- Yes, honey.

- I must be dreaming. A piano just went by.
- A piano?

Why, it's merely a manifestation...

of your subconscious
clashing with your conscious.

Which in turn is a logical outcrop...

for the possible childhood
musical frustration...

coupled with the cucumbers
you had for dinner.

Yeah.

- Good night, Fred.
- Good night, darling.

- What happened to you?
- I just got run over by a piano.

- Which way did it go?
- It went thataway.

Oh, no!

Hold it!

How do you stop this thing?

All right, pull over.

This time you slipped, 88 Fingers Louie.

- But I'm not 88...
- Quiet, don't interrupt.

Sooner or later,
a criminal always makes a mistake.

Imagine, driving a hot piano
through a red light.

- But I wasn't driving a hot...
- With no taillights, no headlights...

and no license.

You will get at least 20 years for this.
Have you got any last words?

All I wanted to do was surprise my wife
on our wedding anniversary.

A likely story. Wedding anniversary?

Jumping dinosaurs!
Today is my own wedding anniversary.

- Officer.
- Yes, sir.

Show 88 Fingers
that the department has a heart.

- But I'm not 88...
- Quiet!

Give this criminal a hand
with his anniversary gift...

while I run out
and get one for my own little bride.

How could I forget it,
especially when it comes on trash day?

Fred, where have you been?
Where's the piano?

Hold it down.

- Is Wilma still sleeping?
- As far as I know.

Okay, boys, the coast is clear.

- And keep it quiet, will you, fellows?
- Yeah, right, keep it quiet...

Happy anniversary
Happy anniversary

Pour a cheerful toast and fill it
Happy anniversary

But be careful you don't spill it
Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary
Happy Anniversary

Fred, you remembered.

How could I ever forget
the happiest day of my life?

Happy Anniversary
Happy Anniversary

Thanks, fellows, it sure was.

And happy he
They're both as happy as can be

Celebrating merrily
their happy anniversary

And I didn't forget you, darling.

- Happy anniversary.
- A tie.

With spots on it already.

Just what I always needed.

Oh, Fred.

Happy anniversary
Happy anniversary

All right, fellows. I appreciate it, thanks.

Happy anniversary
Happy anniversary

We now state emphatically
It's happy anniversary

Not another day could be
A happy anniversary

Happy anniversary
Happy anniversary

Happy Anniversary!

All right, knock it off!

This is the most wonderful anniversary
I ever had.

You mean up to now.

- Congratulations, ma'am.
- Thank you.

- Let's go, Louis.
- Louis? That's not his name.

Yeah, we know.
They call him 88 Fingers, too.

But I tell you, I am not 88 Fingers.

What's all this 88 Fingers?
That's my husband.

-88 Thumbs, maybe.
- Yeah.

- But 88 Fingers, never.
- Yeah.

Tell it to the sergeant.
Okay, boys, take the piano out.

- We'll need it as evidence.
- My piano.

Fred, why are they taking
my anniversary present?

It's a long story, Wilma.

Barney will explain the whole thing to you.

- Right. pal?
- Right. pal.

- So long, Barney.
- So long, 88 Fingers... Louis... Fred.

I tell you, you're making
a mistake, Officer.

The guy you're looking for
is fat, dumpy, and kind of stupid looking.

And he's shorter. He is shorter than I am.

Come on, 88, when are you going to learn
crime don't pay?

Calling the wagon. Come in, Car 11.

- Car 11, over.
- Arrest bulletin.

88 Fingers Louie
has just been apprehended.

See, I told you.

83 has admitted the theft of a hot piano.

See, I told you.

Says he sold it to a fat, dumpy,
stupid-looking go y.

Yeah, that's me!

You see, I'm innocent,
just like I told you.

Okay, I guess you're clean.

Just remember,
if you play with a hot piano...

- you'll get your fingers burned.
- Yeah.

All 88 of them.

- That's a joke, get it?
- Yeah.

- Fred.
- Hello, Barney.

- I explained everything to Wilma.
- You did?

What did she say, Barney?

- What did she say?
- Yeah, what did she say?

Nothing.

Boy, she stopped talking to me already.

- What are you going to do now?
- The same thing I do every year.

After it's too late,
I run out and buy some flowers.

But next year,
you know what I'm gonna do?

- What, Fred?
- The same thing.

Officer, wait!

Yeah, what's up?

- Do me a favor, will you?
- Like what, Mac?

Drop me off at the flower shop.

Wilma.

Come on, Wilma, open this door!

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