The Fall Guy (1981–1986): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Fall Guy - full transcript

[Man Narrating] THIS IS THE STORY OF
ONE OF AMERICA'S GREAT UNSUNG HEROES.

I MEAN, YOU'VE SEEN HIM, BUT
YOU NEVER KNEW WHO HE WAS.

YOU'VE CHEERED FOR
HIM AND CRIED FOR HIM,

WOMEN HAVE WANTED
TO DIE FOR HIM.

BUT DID HE EVER GET ANY
CREDIT? OR THE GIRL? NO.

HE WAS WHAT WE CALL A STUNTMAN.

AND THE REASON I'M TALKIN'
SO FONDLY ABOUT HIM IS...

WELL, BECAUSE IT'S
ME, COLT SEAVERS.

ANYWAY, PICTURE WORK ISN'T
WALL-TO-WALL EMPLOYMENT.

SO MAYBE YOU WONDER HOW A
GUY KEEPS HIS HEAD TOGETHER.

WELL, ONE WAY IS TO
WAIT BY THE PHONE...



AND WAIT... AND WAIT.

THE OTHER IS TO TAKE AN OCCASIONAL
JOB FOR THE COURT SYSTEM...

OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,

WHERE A MAN IS CONSIDERED
INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY.

UNFORTUNATELY, SOMETIMES
A LOT OF THESE PEOPLE...

GET OUT OF JAIL ON
WHAT WE CALL BAIL.

AND THEY RUN LIKE HELL.

THAT'S WHERE I COME IN. I SOMETIMES
PICK UP RENT MONEY TRYIN' TO FIND THEM...

AND BRING THEM BACK TO JUSTICE.

IT CAN BE REAL INTERESTING WORK.

I REMEMBER ONE
CASE IN PARTICULAR.

THE GUY USED THE DARNEDEST
DISGUISES TO KEEP GETTING AWAY FROM ME.

WHEN I FINALLY CAUGHT UP
WITH HIM, IT GAVE ME QUITE A KICK.

I'M SORRY, BUT YOU
CAN'T COME IN HERE.



OH, IT'S OKAY. I'M A RELATIVE.

I KNOW, BUT MR. SMITH LEFT STRICT
INSTRUCTIONS THAT NO ONE'S ALLOWED IN.

OH, BUT, MISS, THE
MERE SOUND OF MY VOICE

WILL MAKE SUCH A
DIFFERENCE IN HIS CONDITION.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA. [Grunting]

- YOU SEE? HE'S ALREADY UPSET.
- IT'S ONLY BECAUSE
HE DOESN'T KNOW IT'S ME.

- I'LL COME A LITTLE CLOSER.
- NO!

I'M GONNA HAVE TO GET AN
ORDERLY! I THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

IT'S ME, COLT SEAVERS, YOUR FRIENDLY
NEIGHBORHOOD BOUNTY HUNTER.

YOU DIRTY, ROTTEN...

[Grunting]

HARVEY, YOU'VE HAD SOME
SURE GOOD DISGUISES IN THE PAST,

BUT THIS ONE SURE
TAKES THE CAKE.

[Gasps]

[Nurse] STOP! PLEASE STOP!

THIS IS FOR THE WOMAN
YOU SHOT IN THE BANK.

THIS IS FOR THE OFFICER
YOU RAN DOWN IN YOUR CAR.

AND THIS IS FOR ME AND THREE MONTHS
OF AGGRAVATION IN TRYING TO FIND YOU.

[Groans]

[Gasps]

I KNEW HE'D BE REAL
EXCITED TO SEE ME.

COLT, YOU DID IT. YOU FOUND HIM.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD
THAT COULD HAVE. YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

AH, DON'T FORGET MY CHECK.
COLT, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

THERE'S ALL THIS PAPERWORK. YOU
JUST CAN'T GO OFF AND LEAVE ME LIKE THIS.

OH, YES, I CAN.

COLT! WHERE YOU GOING?

TO A FIRE.

TO A FIRE?

[Woman Screaming]
[Crowd Murmuring, Shouting]

[Man] OH, IT'S ON FIRE!

[People Chattering Excitedly]

[Woman] ISN'T SOMEBODY
GONNA HELP HIM OUT?

[Sirens Wailing]

CUT! ALL RIGHT!

[Chattering, Applause]

HOLD IT! HOLD IT!
DON'T PUT HIM OUT YET!

[Man] HEY, GET HIM OUT OF
HERE! WHO IS THAT IDIOT?

WHO IS THAT GUY? GET RID OF HIM.

COLT, THAT WAS FAR AND AWAY THE MOST
EXCITING STUNT I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

YEAH, IT FELT PRETTY GOOD.
THOUGHT I'D DIED AND GONE TO HELL.

WE'LL SEE YOU ON
THE NEXT PICTURE.

LET'S GET THE
FIRST TEAM IN HERE.

I WANT A CLOSE-UP OF JIM COBURN
COMING OUT OF THE CAR, AND...

AND LOCK THAT IDIOT UP
AND THROW AWAY THE KEY.

DON'T THROW IT TOO
FAR. HE'S A RELATIVE.

COLT, THAT WAS UNBELIEVABLE!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOIN' HERE? WELL, I CAME BACK.

WHAT IS THIS, A SEMESTER BREAK OR
SOMETHING? WELL, IT'S SORT OF A LONG STORY.

JUST GIVE ME THE
READER'S DIGEST VERSION.

WE'RE READY FOR YOU, JIM.
[Coburn] OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

COLT!

LISTEN, MAN, THAT WAS
FANTASTIC, THAT STUNT.

YOU'VE GOTTA BE INSANE.

- THANK YOU.
- YEAH, YOU'RE WELCOME, JIM.

- GOOD LUCK WITH
THE REST OF THE PICTURE.
- AH.

WASN'T THAT JAMES
COBURN IN PERSON?

YEAH. HE GENERALLY WORKS
HIS PICTURES IN PERSON.

THEY ALL NEED HELP, THOSE GUYS.

MAJOR PSYCHIATRIC HELP.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THAT FANCY
EASTERN COLLEGE. YEAH, WELL, I'M BACK.

THE IVY LEAGUE TAUGHT
ME EVERYTHING I NEED

TO KNOW ABOUT BEING
RICH AND FAMOUS LIKE YOU.

I LEARNED IT ALL, COLT. RICH AND
FAMOUS LIKE ME? YOU AIN'T LEARNED IT ALL.

THE DRINK WAS LATE.

WELL, I COULDN'T WATCH.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.
THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T WATCH.

WELL, I PEEKED.

IT WAS TERRIBLE. I FIGURED
THE CAR CRASH KILLED HIM.

THEN WHEN I SAW THAT
ROARING FIRE... LORD!

- I CAN'T WAIT TO GET IN
ON THAT GOOD STUFF.
- GET IN ON WHAT GOOD STUFF?

COLT, I'VE COME TO PAY YOU BACK
FOR PUTTIN' ME THROUGH SCHOOL.

I DON'T WANT TO BE
PAID BACK. YOUR DAD DID

MORE FOR MY FAMILY
THAN I COULD EVER REPAY.

AH, WELL, LIKE FATHER, LIKE
SON. I'M HERE TO HELP YOU, COLT.

HELP ME DO WHAT?

AH! FIRST OF ALL... YOU
DON'T MIND IF I SMOKE, DO YOU?

YES. YES.

FIRST OF ALL, I'M GONNA
BE YOUR MANAGER.

MY MANAGER? RIGHT.

CONSIDERING ALL THE GREAT
MOVIES YOU'VE DONE, COLT,

YOU'D BE AMAZED AT HOW MANY OF MY
FRIENDS AT SCHOOL HAVE EVER HEARD OF YOU.

- YEAH? HOW MANY?
- NONE.

SECOND, YOU'RE GETTING
ALONG IN YEARS, COLT,

AND I HATE TO SEE YOU DOING THESE
DANGEROUS STUNTS ON YOUR OWN.

SO, I'VE THOUGHT IT OVER,
AND I'M WILLING TO PITCH IN...

AND SORT OF TAKE OVER AS YOU PULL
BACK AND ENJOY YOUR GOLDEN YEARS.

- GOLDEN YEARS?
- AFTER YOU'VE WATCHED ME
RUN THE BUSINESS A WHILE,

YOU'LL PROBABLY BE
ABLE TO TAKE OVER THAT

PART OF IT, AND I'LL
MOVE INTO THE LIMELIGHT.

LET ME GET THIS
THING STRAIGHT HERE.

YOU SPENT SEVEN YEARS IN SCHOOL TO
LEARN TO BECOME A STUNTMAN? RIGHT.

BUT WITH ME AS YOUR PARTNER,
WE'LL BOTH GO A LOT FURTHER...

BECAUSE YOU'LL BE ABLE TO REAP
THE BENEFITS OF MY LONG EDUCATION.

- AH. CAN YOU TAKE A PUNCH?
- CAN I WHAT?

TAKE A PUNCH. YOU'VE SEEN
STUNTMEN TAKE PUNCHES, HUH?

OH, HELL, YES. I WAS ON THE YALE
BOXING TEAM FOR ALMOST A YEAR.

IN FACT, I... [Groans]

WAS THAT SOME KIND OF A
TEST YOU GIVE STUNTMEN?

NO. THAT WAS JUST ME TRYING
TO KNOCK YOUR HEAD OFF.

♪ WELL, I'M NOT THE
KIND TO KISS AND TELL ♪

♪ BUT I'VE BEEN
SEEN WITH FARRAH ♪

♪ I'VE NEVER BEEN
WITH ANYTHING LESS ♪

♪ THAN A NINE SO FINE ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN ON FIRE
WITH SALLY FIELD ♪

♪ GONE FAST WITH
A GIRL NAMED BO ♪

♪ BUT SOMEHOW THEY
JUST DON'T END UP AS MINE ♪

♪ IT'S A DEATH-DEFYIN'
LIFE I LEAD ♪

♪ I TAKE MY CHANCES ♪

♪ I DIE FOR A LIVIN' IN
THE MOVIES AND TV ♪

[Siren Wailing]

♪ BUT THE HARDEST
THING I EVER DO ♪

♪ IS WATCH MY LEADING LADIES ♪

♪ KISS SOME OTHER GUY
WHILE I'M BANDAGIN' MY KNEE ♪

♪ I MIGHT FALL FROM
A TALL BUILDIN' ♪

♪ I MIGHT ROLL A BRAND-NEW CAR ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M THE
UNKNOWN STUNTMAN ♪

♪ THAT MADE
REDFORD SUCH A STAR ♪

♪♪ [Women Vocalizing]

♪ I'VE NEVER SPENT
MUCH TIME IN SCHOOL ♪

♪ BUT I'VE TAUGHT
LADIES PLENTY ♪

♪ IT'S TRUE I HIRE MY
BODY OUT FOR PAY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ I'VE GOTTEN BURNED
OVER CHERYL TIEGS ♪

♪ BLOWN UP FOR RAQUEL WELCH ♪

♪ BUT WHEN I WIND UP IN
THE HAY, IT'S ONLY HAY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ I MIGHT JUMP AN
OPEN DRAWBRIDGE ♪

♪ OR TARZAN FROM A VINE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M THE
UNKNOWN STUNTMAN ♪

♪ THAT MAKES EASTWOOD
LOOK SO FINE ♪♪

WOW, I THOUGHT L.A. WAS FLAT.

WHAT'S UP HERE,
A RANGER STATION?

MY HOUSE.

OH, I'LL BET IT'S SOME KIND OF
A HOLLYWOOD CASTLE, ISN'T IT?

KID, EXACTLY WHAT DID YOU DO WITH
ALL THOSE YEARS YOU WASTED IN SCHOOL?

WASTED? DO YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU'VE GOT WORKIN' WITH YOU?

A WALKING ENCYCLOPEDIA.

I HAD A YEAR OF ACCOUNTING
AT OKLAHOMA, A YEAR

OF PRELAW AT HARVARD,
A YEAR OF BUSINESS AT...

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD IT.

I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU
TOOK A YEAR OF HERE AND THERE.

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU
GOT ALL THE WAY THROUGH.

WHAT DID YOU GET
YOUR DIPLOMA IN?

HELLO? COME IN, KID.

COLT, I'M UPSET AT
YOUR TONE OF VOICE.

WELL, MUST BE THE ALTITUDE.

NO, IT'S YOUR ATTITUDE.

YOU'D THINK THE OLD COCK WAS AFRAID OF
THE NEW ROOSTER IN TOWN OR SOMETHING.

THAT'S IT.

WHAT DID WE HIT?

ROCK BOTTOM.

MY UNCLE TURNED OUT A DRY HOLE.

WHY ARE WE STOPPING HERE?
WHERE'S YOUR HOLLYWOOD MANSION?

IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK YOUR HIGHNESS,
WOULD YOU MIND GRABBING A COUPLE OF BAGS?

IS SOMETHING DISTURBING COLT?

SURE YOU DON'T WANT ME TO HELP
YA, JODY? JUST TRY NOT TO GET LOST.

WHAT A GREAT
PLACE FOR A MANSION.

AND LOOK AT THAT VIEW. WOW!

HEY, COLT!

WANT ME TO STOW
THIS GEAR IN THAT SHED?

THIS ISN'T A SHED.
IT'S MY HOUSE.

THAT'S YOUR HOUSE?

I'LL TAKE THESE BAGS.

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN
TRYING TO TELL YOU, KID.

PEOPLE DON'T ALL LIVE
IN MANSIONS OUT HERE.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, COLT.

WE'LL BUILD YOUR BIG
HOUSE AS SOON AS THE

MONEY STARTS ROLLING
IN AND WE'VE GOT IT MADE.

KID, NOBODY HAS IT MADE IN THIS
TOWN, AND THE MONEY RARELY ROLLS IN.

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THEY DON'T
PAY YOU BIG MONEY TO SET YOURSELF ON FIRE?

SURE, I CAN MAKE AS
MUCH AS $5,000 IN A DAY.

BUT IT ONLY COMES ALONG
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

THE REST IS A FEW HUNDRED
HERE, A FEW HUNDRED THERE.

NOT THE KIND OF THING YOU SPEND
SEVEN YEARS IN SCHOOL TO GET IN ON.

[Horses Whinnying] HEY,
YOU'VE GOT HORSES!

[Colt] WE'LL TAKE A RIDE LATER.

COLT, TELEPHONE.

IT'S SOAPY.

I HOPE YOU LISTEN TO HIM. WHATEVER HE TELLS
YOU TO DO, WELL, THAT'S GONNA BE GOSPEL.

EVEN IF IT MEANS
GOING BACK HOME.

LOOK, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME MESSIN'
UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH COLT.

I'M JUST LOOKING FOR A
LITTLE SPACE OF MY OWN HERE.

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH COLT? LOOK, I
AM NOTHING BUT A HIRED HAND. OKAY?

I CAN THINK OF A LOT OF
THINGS I'D HIRE YOU FOR,

AND YOUR HANDS WOULDN'T
EVEN BE ON THE LIST.

UNLESS YOU WANT TO SPEND
THE NIGHT PICKING UP YOUR TEETH,

YOU'LL WATCH THE WAY
YOU TALK AND LOOK AT ME.

DO WE UNDERSTAND EACH
OTHER? YES, MA'AM. I'M ALL BUSINESS.

GOOD.

- WON'T BE DOING
ANY RIDING TONIGHT.
- SAYS WHO?

- SAYS SAMANTHA.
- WHO?

SOAPY, I CAN'T HELP YA. I GOT A RELATIVE IN
TOWN. I GOTTA GET HIM STRAIGHTENED OUT.

COLT, WHO PICKS YOU
UP OFF THE SIDEWALK...

WHEN YOU CAN'T MAKE THE
PAYMENTS ON YOUR SHINY NEW TRUCK?

IT SEEMS TO ME I'VE HELPED
KEEP YOU GOING TOO, SOAPY.

BUT THIS IS ONE TIME
I REALLY NEED YOU.

AND YOU CAN HELP
A FRIEND TO BOOT.

- COUNTRY JOE? WHAT'D HE DO?
- AGGRAVATED ASSAULT.

HE PUNCHED OUT HIS MANAGER.

- THAT DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE COUNTRY JOE.
- REALLY?

HOW ABOUT JUMPING BAIL AND
FAILING TO SHOW UP FOR HIS HEARING?

I'M ON THE HOOK FOR A $5,000 BOND, AND
THEY TELL ME HE'S RIGHT HERE IN THE CITY.

COLT, THIS IS THE THIRD GUY
THAT'S RUN OUT ON ME THIS MONTH.

LOOK, SOAPY, I CAN'T SPEND
ALL NIGHT CHASING HIM.

BUT MAYBE I CAN MAKE A COUPLE OF
CALLS AND GET HIM TO TURN HIMSELF IN.

- GIVE ME
WHAT INFORMATION YOU GOT.
- THANK YOU, COLT.

- I WON'T FORGET YOU FOR THIS.
- ALL RIGHT... 7-4-2-0.

HOW DO I LOOK?

LIKE YOU STOLE WILLIE
NELSON'S CLOTHES.

BORROWED. I LOOK ON THIS LIKE IT'S
THE ARMY. I CAN'T BE OUT OF UNIFORM.

UH, DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING
IN A LITTLE BIGGER BELT BUCKLE?

JODY.

TYPE OUT THIS WARRANT, WILL YOU?

IS COUNTRY JOE IN TROUBLE?

AH, HE PUNCHED OUT DOC RYDER.

OH, THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE JOE.

JUMPING BAIL DOESN'T
SOUND RIGHT EITHER.

[Rings]

- HELLO?
- UH, COLT SEAVERS.

I HATE TO BE MAKIN' THIS CALL, BUT, MRS.
WALKER, I NEED TO GET IN TOUCH WITH JOE.

- HE'S NOT HERE.
- I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT THIS
EXCEPT STRAIGHT ON.

YOU KNOW HE'S JUMPED BAIL AND, WELL,
I'VE GOT TO SEE THAT HE TURNS HIMSELF IN.

WELL, JOE'S GOT
THESE NEW FRIENDS,

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW HE GOT
MIXED UP WITH THEM OR WHY,

BUT THEY'RE RESPONSIBLE
FOR THE TROUBLE HE'S IN.

ANY IDEA WHERE THESE PEOPLE ARE? NO. HE
COULD BE AT ANY ONE OF A DOZEN HANGOUTS.

AND, COLT, IF THEY'RE
WITH HIM, WATCH OUT.

THANKS, MRS. WALKER. I'LL
TRY AND TAKE CARE OF JOE TOO.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO GO GET JOE.

YOU DON'T PACK THAT THING
UNLESS YOU'RE EXPECTING TROUBLE.

IT'S A MOVIE GUN, JODY.
THREE-QUARTER LOAD BLANKS.

I ONLY PACK IT TO
IMPRESS PEOPLE.

COLT, IF YOU'RE GONNA PLAY COP, AT
LEAST USE REAL BULLETS. WHERE WE GOIN'?

WELL, "WE" AREN'T GOING
ANYWHERE. I GOT AN ERRAND TO RUN.

JODY'LL FIX YOU A SANDWICH
BEFORE SHE GOES HOME.

BUNK IN ON THE COUCH AND I'LL SEE
YOU BEFORE YOU LEAVE IN THE MORNING.

WAIT A MINUTE. SLOW DOWN!

COLT, MAYBE YOU'D BETTER
EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO ME.

IF YOU LOOK IN THE GLOVE BOX,
YOU'LL FIND THE FEDERAL LAW...

THAT DEFINES LEGAL RESTRICTIONS IN
GOING AFTER A DANGEROUS FUGITIVE.

- NOW, HOW'D YOU KNOW
THAT'S WHAT I WAS GONNA ASK?
- THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY ASKS.

"HOW IS IT THAT A
PRIVATE CITIZEN CAN GO

PLACES AND DO THINGS
THAT SOME POLICE CAN'T?"

IT'S ALL IN THAT OLD LAW
ON THAT ONE PIECE OF PAPER.

WOW, COLT! ACCORDING TO THIS, YOU DON'T
NEED WARRANTS OR COURT ORDERS OR ANYTHING.

AND IT'S A GOOD
THING, 'CAUSE FUGITIVES

USUALLY DON'T WAIT
AROUND FOR YOU TO GET HELP.

COLT, UM, WHAT HAPPENS
IF A FUGITIVE TRIES TO, UM...

WHAT, KILL ME? MMM.

MAY AS WELL SAY IT. DESPERATE
MEN DO DESPERATE THINGS.

- WHAT DO YOU DO?
- I'M JUST A HOLLYWOOD STUNTMAN
IN BETWEEN PICTURES.

- SO I TRY TO SWEET-TALK 'EM.
- AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK?

WELL, HOPEFULLY, I FALL
BACK ON SOME OF THE

STUNTS AND TRICKS I'VE
LEARNED OVER THE YEARS.

LISTEN, LEVEL WITH ME, COLT. DO YOU EVER
REALLY HAVE TO LOAD THAT GUN OF YOURS?

OH, SURE.

WHEN I GO HUNTING.

- LOOK OUT!
- [Tires Screech]

BOY, THIS JUST ISN'T YOUR DAY.

IT'S NOT HIS EITHER.
LOOK AT HIM WEAVE.

- [Woman Giggling]
- WOW, IS THIS A GOOD TIME.

- LOOK OUT!
- [Tires Screech]

OH, GEEZ!

YOU HIT HIM! YOU HIT THE BOY!

[Colt] BREAKER! BREAKER!
ANYBODY. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.

ACCIDENT AT YUCCA AND
GOWER. WE GOT A CHILD

DOWN IN THE STREET.
WE NEED THE PARAMEDICS.

DON'T MOVE, SON.
YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

JUST DON'T MOVE RIGHT NOW. OKAY?

I'M A DOCTOR. WILL YOU LET ME HAVE A
LOOK AT HIM? GREAT, DOC. JUMP IN THERE.

I'LL CHECK TO SEE IF WE GOT AN AMBULANCE
ON THE WAY. YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS NOW, KID.

I KNOW. I KNOW. THEY'RE ALL
FALSE ARRESTS. RIGHT, FELLAS?

[Chuckling]

- OH, HI, BILL.
- HI, BIG JACK. WHAT BRINGS YOU
TO THE SLUMS TODAY?

A JOHN CRAMER.
EVERYTHING IS TAKEN CARE OF.

YEAH, EVERYTHING IS HERE.

I'LL HAVE HIM BROUGHT
UP RIGHT AWAY. GOOD.

OKAY, LET'S SEE NOW. YOU
WANT A ROOM WITH A BATH, RIGHT?

[Big Jack] WELL, I HAVE
TO WAIT FOR HIM HERE.

WAIT A MINUTE.
I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

MR. CRAMER. SAMANTHA JACK.

OH. OH, YEAH. WELL, YOU CERTAINLY
TOOK A LONG TIME GETTING ME OUT.

BELIEVE ME, MR. CRAMER,
I DON'T ENJOY SITTING

AROUND FOR FOUR HOURS
ANY MORE THAN YOU DO.

NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND, YOU MUST
STAY NEARBY UNTIL YOUR ARRAIGNMENT.

ARE YOU DOUBTING ME?

NO. BUT YOU HAVE BEEN
ARRESTED ON A FELONY

HIT-AND-RUN AND IT'S A
VERY SERIOUS OFFENSE.

JACK, YOU CHECKED
MY CREDENTIALS.

I'M A LAWMAN AND A
VERY SUBSTANTIAL CITIZEN.

YES, IT SEEMS THAT YOU DO OWN
HALF A TOWN... ELMO, ARIZONA.

AND I'M SORRY... YOU WILL
HAVE TO STAY HERE IN TOWN.

MISS JACK, I'LL KEEP
MY COMMITMENT.

I HAVE NO INTENTION OF LEAVING
TOWN. YOU HAVE MY LOCAL ADDRESS.

YES, THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE
AT THE BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL.

COULD I ADVISE YOU TO
RETAIN, UH, A LOCAL COUNSEL?

OH, I'VE ALREADY MADE ARRANGEMENTS.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU, YES.

THAT WAS A TERRIBLE
THING THAT HAPPENED.

MISS JACK, I CAN'T TELL YOU
WHAT AN EXCEPTION THAT WAS.

I HAVE A VERY CORRECT AND
PROPER LIFESTYLE. BELIEVE ME.

MR. CRAMER, IF I DIDN'T
BELIEVE YOU, I WOULDN'T BE HERE.

COULD I GIVE YOU A LIFT
BACK TO THE HOTEL? NO, NO.

I DON'T WANT TO TAKE YOU OUT
OF YOUR WAY. I'LL CALL A TAXI.

THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT. BUT I'LL SEE
YOU BEFORE THE ARRAIGNMENT. BYE.

PRESIDENTIAL SUITE, PLEASE.

ESTHER. YEAH, I'M OUT.
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

♪♪ [Country]

WE SURE SEEN A LOT OF WILD PLACES,
COLT. WELL, WE'RE GONNA SEE ONE MORE.

♪♪ [Continues]

- SORRY, SHOW'S SOLD OUT.
- IT'S OKAY, MELODY. HE'S WITH ME.

COLT, HONEY. WHERE HAVE YOU
BEEN? BEEN WORKING ON A COBURN FILM.

RIGHT NOW, I'M LOOKIN' FOR
COUNTRY JOE WALKER. IS HE AROUND?

BACK IN THE DRESSING ROOM.
BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM.

HE'S GOT A MEAN BUNCH
WITH HIM. YEAH, I'VE HEARD.

BABYSIT THE KID,
OKAY? HEY, UH...

COME ON, HON. ON THE OTHER HAND, A MAN'S
GOTTA KNOW WHEN TO TAKE ORDERS, RIGHT?

WE'RE PARTNERS.

[Woman Gasps] WHAT DO YOU WANT?

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM. IS
EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

- WHO ARE YOU?
- CLUB SECURITY.

I DIDN'T SEND FOR YOU. GET
OUT OF HERE! THANK YOU, MA'AM.

[Woman] HELLO? HELLO?
GET ME THE MANAGER.

♪♪ [Continues]

[Chattering, Laughing]

HEY, JOE. SOAPY ASKED ME
TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU.

- UH, GOTTA BE GOIN', COLT.
- I WISH YOU WOULDN'T.

THINGS'LL BE WORKED
OUT. YOU JUST STAY CLEAR.

- WHY DON'T YOU
COME ON BACK WITH ME?
- UH, IT WAS BETWEEN ME AND DOC.

WELL, THAT'S NOT EXACTLY TRUE
ANYMORE. YOU'VE GOT THE POLICE INVOLVED.

MAYBE I CAN GET DOC TO DROP THE ASSAULT
CHARGE. YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE SIGNAL.

DOC IS NO LONGER
INVOLVED IN JOE'S CAREER.

I AM NOW MANAGING MR. WALKER.

OH. NEW MANAGER.

NOW I'M GETTING A CLEAR PICTURE. WHICH
ONE OF THESE TURKEYS REALLY BEAT UP DOC?

THAT'S IT, DUDE... HEY,
HEY. LET HIM BE. LET HIM BE.

LISTEN. YOU TELL MISS
SAMANTHA SHE'S GONNA GET

HER BAIL MONEY BACK.
YOU GOT MY WORD ON THAT.

WHAT ABOUT THE COURT, JOE?
YOU GOTTA TURN YOURSELF IN.

I THINK WE'VE BEEN REASONABLE.

HOWEVER, IF THIS GENTLEMAN INSISTS
ON BUTTING IN TO MY CLIENT'S BUSINESS,

BREAK HIS HEAD OPEN.

JOE...

YOU REMEMBER WHAT MY ASSOCIATE
HERE DID TO DOC RYDER'S JAW?

WELL, HE'S MY WEAKER BROTHER.

AT THE PRICE OF GOLD, I HOPE YOU
CAREFULLY REMEMBER WHERE YOUR TEETH LAND.

[Grunts]

[Screams] GET ME THE MANAGER!

- DO I DO THE SAME TO YOU,
OR DO YOU GET THE IDEA?
- HE JUST BROKE THE DOOR DOWN!

COME ON. [Woman] YES! YES!

I WON'T STAY HERE ANOTHER
MINUTE WITH ALL THIS

STUFF GOING ON. NO, I
ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT!

- [Hammer Cocks]
- NO, THIS IS
A DIFFERENT SEX MANIAC!

[Screams, Gasps]

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.
OH, IT'S YOU AGAIN.

I'D, UH, GET THIS DOOR
FIXED. WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO?

♪♪ [Continues]
[Patrons Exclaiming]

HEY, YOU OWE ME FOR THAT, PAL!

DON'T JUST SIT
THERE. HELP ME. WHOA!

[All Shouting]

[Tires Screeching]

JOE! COME BACK HERE!

[Grunting]

[Siren Wails]

NOT THE MOUTH! NOT THE
MOUTH! NOT THE BEAUTIFUL SMILE!

HOLD IT! GLAD TO,
OFFICER. GLAD TO.

HE'S ALL YOURS. WHAT'S THIS?

IT'S A FUGITIVE WARRANT.

I SEE WE GOT OUR MAN.

YEAH, WE DID.

YEAH, OKAY.

OFFICER, HE'S ALL YOURS.

NO, YOU'RE WRONG.

HE'S ALL YOURS.

WAIT A MINUTE. WOULDN'T YOU GUYS LIKE A
NICE FUGITIVE COLLAR FOR YOUR RECORD?

THERE'S NO COLLAR IN THIS
FOR US, MR. BOUNTY HUNTER.

SEE, WE ARRESTED HIM ONCE BEFORE AND
THE COURT LET HIM GO. HE'S YOUR PROPERTY.

YOU CAN SPEND YOUR
NIGHT SHUFFLING HIM BACK

AND FORTH BETWEEN
THE COURTHOUSE AND JAIL.

COME ON, NELSON.
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

JOE, I'M GONNA GET YOU FOR THIS.

'CAUSE I GOT A 5:00
CALL IN THE MORNING.

LET ME TURN MYSELF IN. I DIDN'T HIT DOC
RYDER. IT WAS THOSE TWO DUDES, MAN.

THEM BIG DUDES.

NO, BUT IT WAS YOU WHO
RAN OUT ON YOUR HEARING.

YOU SAW 'EM. YOU CHASED 'EM OFF.

WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE IN
MY PLACE? GIVE ME A BREAK, COLT.

LET ME TURN MYSELF IN. IF I DON'T,
THEY'RE GONNA LOCK ME UP FOR A LONG TIME.

WEEKS AND WEEKS.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL TELL
YOU WHAT I'LL DO.

I'LL HOLD THAT BIG CADILLAC OF YOURS
UNTIL YOU CLEAR YOURSELF WITH THE COURT.

BUT I'M ONLY DOING IT TO SPARE MYSELF
FROM SHUFFLING PAPERS ALL NIGHT.

OTHERWISE, I'D LET YOU SIT AND
SPIN FOR RUNNING OUT ON ME.

LISTEN. YOU'RE A REAL FRIEND.

AND I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

KID, GIVE HIM A RIDE
DOWNTOWN. IN HIS CAR.

RIGHT, PARTNER.

OH, LOOK, IS THERE ANY HURRY
IN GETTING BACK TO YOUR PLACE?

THAT LITTLE LADY ACROSS THE
STREET SEEMED REAL FRIENDLY,

AND I FIGURED IT'D BE GOOD TO
START MAKING LOCAL CONTACTS.

YEAH, WELL, JUST DON'T WAKE
ME WHEN YOU COME IN... ALONE.

WHAT IS IT, FELLAS?

WE WANT COUNTRY JOE.

YOU FOLLOWED THE WRONG
VEHICLE. HE'S IN THE OTHER ONE.

RIGHTEOUS TOLD ME HE SAW YOU
CUFF HIM AND PUT HIM IN THE TRUCK.

WHILE HE WAS TELLIN' YOU THAT, I
UNCUFFED HIM AND HE LEFT IN HIS OWN CAR.

SO WOULD YOU MIND GOING
HOME SO I COULD GET SOME SLEEP?

WELL, WE'D LIKE TO SEE FOR
OURSELVES. BE MY GUEST.

OH, MR. SEAVERS, IF YOU LOOK
THROUGH THAT SIDE WINDOW,

YOU'LL NOTICE RIGHTEOUS
THERE HAS A GUN POINTED AT YOU.

NO HARD FEELINGS, UH,
FROM EARLIER TONIGHT, I HOPE.

NOW, IF YOU'LL BE GOOD ENOUGH TO STEP
DOWN AND LEAVE YOUR GUN ON THE SEAT.

YOU'RE THE MANAGER.

- NOW, WHERE'S COUNTRY JOE?
- HE'S TURNING HIMSELF IN.

- YOU DON'T EXPECT ME
TO BELIEVE THAT.
- IT'S CALLED HONESTY.

I MEAN, YOU SHOULD BE PLEASED.

IT'S HARD TO BOOK A GUY WHEN
YOU CAN'T USE HIS REAL NAME.

SMART BOY.

SHOW HIM HOW WE
HANDLE SMART BOYS.

[Groaning]

♪♪ [Classical]

[Punches Landing]
[Groaning Continues]

[Punches Continue
Landing] [Groaning Continues]

[Punch Lands] [Body Thuds]

- [Colt Groans]
- ♪♪ [Stops]

NOW THEN, MR. SEAVERS, ARE WE
READY FOR A LITTLE MORE CANDOR?

[Groaning]

JUST WHAT DID COUNTRY JOE PAY
YOU OR TRADE YOU TO LET HIM GO?

HIS WORD.

HOW MUCH DID HE TELL YOU? AND WHAT
DID HE PROMISE YOU TO TURN HIM LOOSE?

LOOK, WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU DON'T JUST
DO THIS FOR SOME SMALL-TIME COUNTRY SINGER.

WHEN YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.

[Groaning]

GET RID OF MR. SEAVERS. DON'T MAKE IT
ANY EASIER ON THE POLICE THAN WE HAVE TO.

USE HIS OWN GUN. YOU WON'T HAVE TO
GET RID OF THAT FINE PIECE OF YOURS.

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU DON'T JUST
CUT A MAN DOWN WITH HIS OWN GUN.

WHAT KIND OF GUYS ARE YOU?

[Shouts]

DUMP THE GUN.

GOOD NIGHT, SUCKER.

[Engine Starts]

I GUESS I HAD TO SPEND HALF THE
NIGHT HELPING YOU TURN YOURSELF IN.

YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO
MAKE A GUY FEEL BAD, DON'T YOU?

- DIDN'T YOU HAVE EYES ON
THAT LADY BACK AT THE CLUB?
- THERE'S ALWAYS ANOTHER LADY.

- RIGHT?
- WRONG.

LISTEN. I PUT YOU AND
COLT THROUGH ENOUGH

ALREADY. THANK COLT
FOR GIVING ME THIS CHANCE.

IF I WERE YOU, I'D GO BACK AND
CHECK THAT LADY OUT AT THE PALOMINO.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

[Rings]

- HELLO.
- HI, BABY.

- OH, JOE, WHERE ARE YOU?
- I'M AT THE JAIL. I'M TURNING MYSELF IN.

WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE ARE YOU IN? THERE'S
SOME MEN OUTSIDE. THEY'RE THERE RIGHT NOW.

- WELL, I GOTTA TURN MYSELF IN.
- NO, YOU GOTTA GET OUTTA TOWN.

NOW, LOOK, THOSE MEN
ARE LOOKING FOR YOU,

AND THEY TOLD ME TO TELL YOU THAT
THEY'RE GONNA KILL ME AND THE BABY.

NOW, WHAT IS IT THEY WANT? WHAT
KIND OF TROUBLE ARE YOU MIXED UP IN?

HEY, I CAN'T TELL YOU RIGHT
NOW, BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

PACK UP SOME THINGS, TAKE THE
BABY AND GO TO YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE.

I'LL SEE YOU THERE A
LITTLE LATER. NO, JOE, WAIT.

L... Y-YOU GOTTA
GET HELP. YOU...

[Click, Buzzing] JOE? JOE?

♪♪ [Whistling]

COLT! YO, COLT!

HEY, COLT, AREN'T YOU UP YET?

COLT! HEY! DO YOU KNOW
WHAT TIME IT IS? [Moaning]

LORD ALMIGHTY.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
- THEY LEFT ME FOR DEAD.

WELL, YOU LOOK IT. DID
YOU CALL THE POLICE?

DON'T ASK SO MANY QUESTIONS.

- COLT, I THINK WE OUGHTA
GET YOU TO A DOCTOR.
- MM-MMM.

WE GOTTA GET TO THE STUDIO.
JODY'S MAKING A JUMP THIS MORNING.

- SHE MUST BE GOING CRAZY.
- WHAT HAPPENED? WHY?

TAKE MY WORD FOR IT... THE
LESS YOU KNOW, THE BETTER.

[Rings]

- HELLO.
- ALL RIGHT, COLT.

I'LL GIVE YOU EXACTLY 10 SECONDS TO
TELL ME WHAT YOU DID WITH COUNTRY JOE.

- WHAT I DID WITH HIM?
- THE BAILIFF GOT A CALL...

THAT YOU HAD JOE IN CUSTODY
AND YOU WERE BRINGING HIM IN.

HE NEVER SHOWED.
NOW, WHAT HAPPENED?

I HAVEN'T GOT TIME TO
EXPLAIN RIGHT NOW, BUT

IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,
I'VE GOT HIS CAR.

- THAT SHOULD PAY FOR HIS BOND.
- YOU HAVE HIS CAR?

OH, COLT.

HOW COULD I HAVE DOUBTED YOU?

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

I JUST DID.

I'LL GET IT IN TO YOU BEFORE THE END
OF THE DAY, BUT I GOTTA RUN RIGHT NOW.

YOU MEAN THAT SON OF A
GUN WENT BACK ON HIS WORD?

SHOCKING, AIN'T IT?

AT LEAST WE GOT HIS CAR. THAT'LL
PAY FOR SOAPY AND THE BOND.

COLT, HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT
COUNTRY JOE'S CAR IS PAID FOR?

'CAUSE I WAS WITH HIM
WHEN HE BOUGHT IT...

WHILE I WAS WORKING
WITH HIM ON A TV SHOW.

WELL, WHERE IS IT,
KID? IT WAS RIGHT HERE!

COLT, I SWEAR IT WAS RIGHT
THERE LESS THAN 15 MINUTES AGO.

COLT, I DROVE IT UP HERE
AND PARKED IT MYSELF.

I MEAN, HEY, A CAR DOESN'T
JUST UP AND WALK AWAY.

COME ON, COLT. SAY SOMETHING.

KID, IF YOU THINK YOU
FEEL BAD THIS MORNIN',

YOU OUGHTA TRY MAKIN' A SMILE
THROUGH THIS FACE OF MINE.

I CAN IMAGINE.

LOOK, I'M NOT CHANGING MY MIND
ABOUT WORKIN' WITH YOU OR ANYTHING.

BUT DO YOU GET BEAT
UP LIKE THIS OFTEN?

NO, I USUALLY BREEZE
THROUGH SLICK AS A WHISTLE...

USING STUNTS I'VE
LEARNED IN THE MOVIES.

WELL, WHAT WENT
WRONG LAST NIGHT?

NOTHING. PRACTICALLY
WENT PERFECT.

THAT'S HOW YOU LOOK AFTER
AN ALMOST PERFECT NIGHT?

KID, STUNTMEN LIVE
BY A RULE OF THUMB.

ANY STUNT THEY CAN WALK
AWAY FROM, THEY'RE A WINNER.

YEAH, MAYBE, BUT I DON'T SEE HOW
YOU'RE GONNA DO ANY WORK THIS MORNING.

WELL, I'M NOT STUNTING THIS
MORNING. I'M GAFFING A FALL FOR JODY.

JODY'S A STUNTMAN, TOO? GONNA
BE THE BEST ONE OF THESE DAYS.

[Jody On Radio] BREAKER, BREAKER.
CALLING FALL GUY. FALL GUY, DO YOU READ?

YEAH, JODY, THIS IS
FALL GUY. SORRY I'M LATE.

WHAT'S YOUR STATUS? CAN THEY SHOOT
AROUND YOU? I SHOULDN'T BE TOO MUCH LONGER.

[Jody] I'M GONNA HAVE
TO GO WITHOUT YOU.

- [Colt] IS EVERYTHING SET UP
JUST LIKE I SAID?
- NOT EXACTLY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
EITHER IT IS OR IT ISN'T.

- THE DIRECTOR WANTS THE JUMP
TO GO THROUGH AN AWNING.
- WELL, FORGET IT.

COLT, IF I DON'T DO
IT, THEY'RE GONNA GET

SOMEBODY ELSE. I CAN'T
LET YOU WRECK MY CAREER.

WRECK IT? I'M THE ONE THAT'S
TRYING TO HELP YOU GET IT STARTED.

- NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME
TO BE MAKING IT ON MY OWN.
- AW, THAT LITTLE RUNT!

WE GOTTA GET OVER THERE QUICK.

[Big Jack On Phone] MR. CRAMER?
OH, YOU'RE STILL THERE.

[Laughs] OF COURSE I'M HERE,
MRS. JACK. WHERE ELSE WOULD I GO?

I'M JUST CHECKING.

UM, I HAVE TO SEE YOU.

UM, I HAVE SOME NEW PAPERS FOR YOU TO
SIGN AND, UM, I'LL NEED SOME MORE MONEY.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- MR. CRAMER, THE BOY DIED.

THE CHARGES HAVE BEEN
RAISED TO MANSLAUGHTER,

AND THIS MAKES THE
BOND A LOT HIGHER.

OH, UH...

GIVE ME THREE HOURS
TO WIRE FOR MONEY.

THEN I'LL BE HERE ALL
AFTERNOON AND ALL EVENING.

ALL RIGHT, FINE. THANK YOU.

[Whispers] JESUS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M
DOING WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO.

PACKING TO GET OUT OF HERE.

HERE'S $500.

YOU GO ON DOWN TO
FLORIDA, WHERE YOU HAD

SUCH A GOOD TIME, TILL
THIS THING BLOWS OVER.

I CAN'T GO TO FLORIDA.

I GAVE MY NAME TO THE POLICE AS A WITNESS,
AND I PROMISED I'D SHOW UP IN COURT.

UH, LOOK, HERE'S, UH, $1,500.

I DON'T WANT TO EVER
SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN.

[Woman] WE'RE ALL SET, JODY.

COLT CALLED FOR DOUBLE
BAGS, TWICE THAT AREA.

THAT WOULD OVERHANG THE AWNING
AND RUIN THE DIRECTOR'S SHOT.

HOW MUCH LONGER
BEFORE WE GET GOING?

I'D SAY ABOUT TWO
MINUTES AT MOST.

WE'RE GONNA ROLL IN ABOUT TWO
MINUTES. OKAY, STAND BY FOR THE JUMP.

WHICH LINE DOES
SHE COME DOWN ON?

SAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? WHAT
DO YOU MEAN? SHOOTING A MOVIE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M
SAVING YOUR TAIL AND JODY'S.

BECAUSE IF THIS IS THE NEW JUMP, JODY
AIN'T MAKIN' IT. IT'S ALL BEEN CHECKED OUT.

DIANA SAID IT'S SAFE. SHE
WANTS TO PLEASE YOU, SAM.

AND YOU WON'T BE PLEASED. THESE AIR
BAGS ARE TOO CLOSE TO THE BUILDING.

THE ARC FROM THAT HEIGHT WILL
CARRY HER RIGHT INTO YOUR CAMERA.

COLT, COME HERE, WILL YA!

WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO?
I'VE GOT TWO QUALIFIED

STUNTMEN ARGUING
OVER THE SAME STUNT.

I'M GOING WITH THE ONE I HIRED.

DIANA, COLT SEAVERS SAYS
THE STUNT ISN'T GAFFED RIGHT.

WELL, I'LL DO IT MYSELF AND
PROVE HE'S WRONG. NO, I'LL DO IT!

TOO BAD.

- YOU'VE JUST BEEN FIRED.
- WHAT?

I'LL BE READY IN A FEW MINUTES,
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH THE SETUP.

HOLD IT. GET OUT OF HERE, COLT!

- WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE?
- SAM, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

COLT, GET OFF THAT ROOF! NOW!

NOT UNTIL WE
SETTLE A LITTLE BET.

WHAT'S HE DOING UP THERE?

I'M GONNA LET THIS LIGHT STAND
TAKE A FREE FALL STRAIGHT DOWN.

IF YOU THINK YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING,

YOU STAY RIGHT
THERE WHERE ALL THOSE

THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS'
WORTH OF EQUIPMENT ARE.

WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT? I
THINK HE'S GONNA DROP THAT LAMP.

COLT, YOU DROP THAT THING ON
ME AND I'LL RUN YOU OUT OF TOWN.

IS THAT YOUR FINAL WORD?

ANYBODY MOVES, THEY LEAVE THE LOT
RIGHT ALONG WITH THIS GRANDSTAND COWBOY.

YEAH, COLT, THAT'S
MY FINAL WORD.

I WAS AFRAID IT WOULD BE.

HE'S CRAZY. HE'S GONNA DROP IT.

[All Chattering]

[Man] THERE'S NO
WAY I'M STAYING!

[Woman Screams]

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY TAKE A...
A SHORT BREAK, HUH? TAKE FIVE!

TELL COLT, UH, I'D LIKE TO BUY HIM
A DRINK IN MY TRAILER. ALL RIGHT?

[Knocking]

HELLO. HELLO.

I'M LOOKING FOR A MR. CRAMER.

OH, THERE'S NO ONE
REGISTERED IN THIS ROOM.

I'M GETTING IT READY
FOR THE NEW GUESTS.

OH.

HELLO, I'M TRYING TO FIND A MR. JOHN
CRAMER. HAS HE CHANGED ROOMS?

OH, HE CHECKED OUT.

THANK YOU.

HI, IT'S SAMANTHA.

PULL THE PLUG ON
CRAMER. HE SKIPPED.

OH. FIND COLT SEAVERS AND TELL HIM TO
MEET ME IN MY OFFICE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

YOU RIDE OKAY, KID.

I SPENT SIX MONTHS STUDYING CAVALRY
AT WEST POINT. OH, YEAH, I FORGOT.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO
NOW THAT YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED?

WHAT I ALWAYS DO WHEN I
RUN OUT OF STUNT WORK.

HI, BIG JACK. HI,
COLT. COME SIT DOWN.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?
OH, A RELATIVE.

HOWIE MUNSON,
SAMANTHA JACK. HELLO.

I SOMETIMES CALL HER SOAPY... HER
LIFE IS ONE CONTINUOUS SOAP OPERA.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE
SOB STORY THIS TIME?

WELL, A GUY RAN DOWN A KID AND
THEY GOT HIM ON A HIT-AND-RUN CHARGE.

LITTLE BOY ON A BICYCLE, AND
THE MAN WAS APPARENTLY DRUNK.

THAT WOULDN'T BE THE
ONE ON YUCCA NEAR GOWER?

- HOW'D YOU KNOW?
- WE SAW IT.

WHY DID YOU GO TO BAT FOR
A GUY WHO'D RUN DOWN A KID?

BECAUSE HE WAS SOBER
BY THE TIME I GOT TO HIM,

AND HE CONVINCED ME THAT
HE WAS A LAW-ABIDING CITIZEN.

ORIGINALLY, HIS BAIL
WAS ONLY $15,000...

AND THE MAN, CRAMER, PAID
ME HIS FEE IN CASH... 1,500...

AND HE GAVE ME ARIZONA
REFERENCES THAT MADE HIM SOLID GOLD.

THEN THE KID DIED.

- HE DIED?
- I'M AFRAID SO.

THEN THEY RAISED THE AMOUNT OF BAIL
BECAUSE OF THE NEW MANSLAUGHTER CHARGE.

I PHONED CRAMER AT THE HOTEL,
AND HE AGREED TO THE HIGHER FEE.

I COVERED THE BAIL, HAD
NEW PAPERS DRAWN UP,

BUT WHEN I GOT TO THE HOTEL,
HE'D ALREADY CHECKED OUT.

YOU MEAN YOU PAID HIS BAIL
BEFORE YOU GOT HIS MONEY?

JACK, YOU ALWAYS MANAGE
TO LIVE UP TO YOUR NICKNAME.

SHE FALLS FOR EVERY SOB STORY. I
DON'T SEE HOW YOU STAY IN BUSINESS.

MY FATHER WOULDN'T HAVE
HANDLED THIS ONE ANY DIFFERENTLY.

BESIDES, HE WAS STAYING
AT THE BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL.

THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE.

LOOK, NEEDLESS TO SAY, I'M OUT
OVER $100,000 IF I DON'T PRODUCE HIM.

I'LL PAY YOU 10,000
TO GO AND GET HIM.

YOU SURE THAT THERE'S NOTHING ABOUT THIS
CRAMER FELLA THAT YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME?

- COLT, THERE IS NO CATCH.
- OH, YES, THERE IS. THERE HAS TO BE.

A SOLID-GOLD CITIZEN
JUST RUNS OUT ON A BOND.

- HE'S GOTTA KNOW YOU'RE
GONNA COME AFTER HIM.
- WELL, SOME PEOPLE PANIC.

THEY'RE NOT AS BRAVE AS YOU.

HERE IT COMES. I'M SERIOUS!

FACING A MANSLAUGHTER CHARGE
WAS APPARENTLY TOO MUCH FOR HIM.

WHY ARE YOU ACTING
SO SUSPICIOUS?

BECAUSE I KNOW YOU.
YOU ALWAYS LEAVE SOME

LITTLE SURPRISE FOR
AFTER I'VE TAKEN THE JOB.

COLT, YOU DESERVE A SIMPLE ONE
FOR A CHANGE. CAN'T YOU ACCEPT THAT?

YOU'RE SURE HE'S NEVER BEEN ARRESTED
OR SHOT HIS BROTHER-IN-LAW OR HIS DOG?

EVEN IF IT NEVER GOT TO
COURT OR WAS ACQUITTED?

I CAN PERSONALLY
GUARANTEE YOU THAT THIS MAN

HAS NEVER BEEN ON THE
WRONG SIDE OF THE LAW.

HERE'S YOUR EXPENSE
MONEY AND PHOTOGRAPH.

GOOD LUCK.

YOU KNOW, BIG JACK, THIS TIME
I THINK YOU MADE A BAD DEAL.

WHY? 'CAUSE I'D HAVE GONE
AFTER THIS GUY FOR NOTHIN'.

♪♪ [Fingers Snapping]

♪ THEY'LL NEVER
MAKE ME PRESIDENT ♪

♪ BUT I GOT THE
BEST FIRST LADIES ♪

♪ SOME DAYS I'VE GOT 'EM
AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE ♪

♪ OOH-WEE ♪

♪ A MORNING DIVE
WITH JACKIE SMITH ♪

♪ I CRASH IN THE
NIGHT WITH CHERYL ♪

♪ BUT IN THE END THEY
NEVER STAY WITH ME ♪

♪ I MIGHT FALL FROM
A TALL BUILDING ♪

♪ SO BURT REYNOLDS
DON'T GET HURT ♪

♪ I MIGHT LEAP A MIGHTY CANYON ♪

♪ SO HE CAN KISS AND FLIRT ♪

♪ WHILE THAT SMOOTH
TALKER'S KISSIN' MY GIRL ♪

♪ I'M JUST KISSIN' DIRT ♪

♪ YES I'M THE LONELY STUNTMAN ♪

♪ THAT MADE A LOVER
OUT OF BURT ♪♪

♪♪ [Women Vocalizing]

♪♪ [Ends]

YOU KNOW, I GOT A FUNNY
FEELIN' ABOUT THIS CASE. WHY?

ANYONE WHO CARRIES LOTS OF CASH
AND STAYS AT THE BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL...

MUST BE A PRETTY
HIGH-PROFILE KIND OF A GUY.

I'M WORRIED BECAUSE
SOAPY OFFERED $10,000.

SHE USUALLY STARTS AT 2,500.

MEANING SHE KNOWS SOMETHING ABOUT
THIS GUY CRAMER SHE HASN'T TOLD US?

WHAT COULD IT BE? UH-OH.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- CRAMER FEED AND GRAIN.

CRAMER REAL ESTATE.

AH, CRAMER FURNITURE.

- WELL, ONE GOOD THING.
- WHAT'S THAT?

HE SHOULD BE A SNAP TO FIND.

WELL, IT COULD BE REAL DICEY TRYING
TO PICK UP THE GUY THAT OWNS THIS TOWN.

WE BETTER MAKE
SOME FRIENDS. LET'S GO.

♪♪ [Country] [People Chattering]

♪ WELL, DON'T BE WORRIED
'BOUT BEIN' IN A HURRY ♪

♪ WITH LONG-TERM PLANS ♪

♪ JUST KEEP THINKIN'
WHILE WE KEEP DRINKIN' ♪

♪ YOU'RE A WOMAN AND I'M A MAN ♪

WELL, YOU BOYS MUST BE
NEW IN TOWN. THAT'S RIGHT.

♪♪ [Continues] WHAT IS IT EVERYBODY'S
DRINKING OUT OF THOSE TALL PITCHERS?

HOUSE SPECIALTY. SANGRIA.
THE BEST IN THE SOUTHWEST.

FULL OF FRESH FRUIT AND
GUARANTEED TO KNOCK YOUR HAT OFF.

- WOW, THAT SOUNDS GREAT!
- YEAH, WELL, LET'S GO FOR IT.

OKAY. UH, EXCUSE ME.

WE'RE FRIENDS OF MR. JOHN
CRAMER. DOES HE EVER COME AROUND?

I'LL GET YOUR ORDER.

- BOY, DID YOU TURN HER OFF.
- YOU THINK IT WAS ME?

ACTUALLY, I THINK
SHE KIND OF LIKED ME.

- HI THERE.
- YOU TALKIN' TO ME?

JUST BEIN' FRIENDLY.

WE DON'T LIKE FRIENDS OF BIG
JOHN CRAMER AROUND HERE.

IN FACT, WE'D LIKE
TO SEE YOU LEAVE.

BUT WE JUST ORDERED
A BIG PITCHER...

OKAY, PAL. I'M
SORRY YOU DID THAT.

[Men Chuckling]

REALLY, REALLY SORRY.

- [Groans]
- [Men Shouting, Grunting]

[Woman Screaming] COLT! HELP ME!

I'M COMIN'!

COLT! HUH?

HOW'D WE GET INTO THIS MESS?

IT SEEMED TO HAVE SOMETHING TO
DO WITH MENTIONING BIG JOHN CRAMER.

I REALIZE I'M JUST A JUNIOR PARTNER,
BUT MAY I MAKE A SUGGESTION?

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU'RE
GONNA LEARN. WHAT IS IT?

LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!

FOR YOUR FIRST SUGGESTION, KID,
THAT'S EXCELLENT. REALLY EXCELLENT.

LET'S GO.

♪♪ [Continues] [Shouting,
Grunting Continues]

WHAT HAPPENED?

IT'S A NEW DANCE.
EVERYBODY'S DOIN' IT.

WE'LL BE BACK WHEN THEY'RE
PLAYING SOMETHING SLOWER.

WHAT'D YOU MAKE OF THAT?

I THINK WE PICKED THE WRONG GUY IN
TOWN TO ASK ABOUT BIG JOHN CRAMER.

WELL, UH, WE'LL SEE
YOU NEXT WEEK, MARYLOU.

THANK YOU, MR. LOGAN. BYE-BYE.

I WONDER IF YOU COULD HELP US.
WELL, I'D CERTAINLY BE HAPPY TO TRY.

HOW MIGHT WE FIND,
UH, BIG JOHN CRAMER?

WE'RE OLD FRIENDS OF HIS.

WELL, AT LEAST WE KNOW
EVERYONE'S HEARD OF CRAMER.

ACTED MORE LIKE HE
KNOWS WHAT CRAMER DID.

IF THAT'S TRUE, THIS JOB'S
GONNA BE A PIECE OF CAKE.

EVERYBODY IN TOWN'LL
BE STANDING IN LINE WITH

CLUBS TO HELP US LOAD
HIM INTO THE TRUCK.

COLT, HOW ABOUT LETTING
ME HANDLE THIS ONE?

I THINK SHE TOOK A LIKING TO ME. I'LL
PROBABLY GET MORE INFORMATION OUT OF HER.

SHE'S ALL YOURS.
UH, EXCUSE ME, MISS!

EXCUSE ME, MISS. WE
JUST PULLED INTO TOWN.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR A MAN WHO
GOES BY THE NAME OF BIG JOHN CRAMER.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY THE JAIL? HUH?

- [Engine Starts]
- TRY THE JAIL!

AAAH! OHH!

OH! OH!

YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING... I
WOULD'VE HANDLED IT MUCH DIFFERENT.

DON'T LOOK SO SMUG!

I FOUND OUT ONE THING, DIDN'T I?

WHAT'S THAT? OUR
TROUBLES ARE OVER.

THEY NOT ONLY KNOW WHAT
THAT MISERABLE MAN CRAMER DID,

THEY'VE ALREADY GOT
HIM LOCKED UP IN JAIL.

NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS FIND
OUT WHERE THE JAIL IS. UH-HUH.

THERE YOU GO AGAIN WITH THAT
SULLEN, PESSIMISTIC ATTITUDE.

YOU KNOW, I CAN
HELP YOU WITH THAT.

I TOOK CLOSE TO A YEAR OF
PSYCHOLOGY AT PENN STATE.

NEVER MIND PENN STATE. THIS WOMAN
LOOKS AT LEAST LIKE A REASONABLE PERSON.

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.
WE'RE STRANGERS IN TOWN.

WELL, HOW NICE.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE JAIL.

REALLY? WHY? YOU NEW
DEPUTIES OR SOMETHING?

SOMETHING LIKE THAT. WE'RE
HERE ON ACCOUNT OF, UH,

BIG JOHN CRAMER.

YOU'RE PROBABLY GLAD
TO HEAR THAT, I BET.

WHY SHOULD I BE GLAD TO
HEAR ANYTHING FROM ANYBODY...

WHO'S ASSOCIATING WITH
THAT EGG-SUCKING FERRET?

GET OUT OF MY WAY! MA'AM!

OH! GET OFF OF ME, YOU
ANIMAL! GET OFF OF ME!

GET OFF OF ME!
ANIMAL! LEAVE ME ALONE!

OH! NO, I'M ALL RIGHT.
NO, I'M FINE. I'M FINE.

THEY'RE WITH BIG JOHN CRAMER.
THEY JUST GOT INTO TOWN.

THEY'RE WORKING FOR HIM. TWO
MORE OF 'EM COME TO RIP US OFF.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. IT'S AS IF HE
HASN'T DONE ENOUGH TO THIS TOWN.

YOU GET OUT OF THIS TOWN!
YOU DON'T BELONG HERE!

GET OUT OF OUR TOWN!

WHY DON'T WE TRY TO
FIND THE JAIL ON OUR OWN?

GOOD IDEA. THAT WAS A
CLOSE ONE. YOU OKAY?

YEAH, JUST MINOR ABRASIONS.
I'LL CHECK 'EM OUT LATER.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS AT OHIO
STATE, I TOOK A YEAR OF PREMED.

PREMED. I KNOW.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YA?

UH, I SLIPPED ON A
BANANA PEEL. UH-HUH.

JUST WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU BOYS?

YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP
US. WE'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.

IS THIS SOME KIND OF QUIZ, OR
DOES THIS SOMEONE HAVE A NAME?

[Colt] BIG JOHN CRAMER.

YOU'VE GOT BUSINESS
WITH BIG JOHN?

[Whispering] COLT! IN A WAY.

- COLT!
- LOOK, BOYS, I'M ONLY GONNA
ASK YOU ONCE MORE.

STATE YOUR NAMES,
YOUR PLACE OF BUSINESS...

AND YOUR REASON FOR WANTIN'
TO TALK TO SHERIFF CRAMER.

IS SOMETHING EATIN' YOU? CAN'T YOU
SEE I'M... YOU SAY SHERIFF CRAMER?

YOU BOYS ARE NOT ONLY STUPID, YOU'RE
DEAF. NOW, WHY DO YOU WANT TO SEE HIM?

- UH, WELL, UH...
- WELL, WHAT?

I DON'T THINK BIG JOHN WOULD WANT ME
TO TALK IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE.

- TALK ABOUT WHAT?
- WELL, I GOT AN IDEA
HE MIGHT APPRECIATE.

YOU JUST TELL HIM COLT
SEAVERS IS WAITIN' FOR

HIM OVER AT THE BAJA
CANTINA. HE'LL UNDERSTAND.

LET'S GO, KID.

- RENFRO!
- YO!

FRONT AND CENTER. YEAH.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

HE SAID THE MAN WE'VE COME
TO HOG-TIE IS THE SHERIFF.

I HEARD THE MAN. KEEP
MOVING. WHERE TO?

HE OWNS THE
COUNTY. HE'S THE LAW.

WELL, THAT IS A
TEMPORARY SETBACK.

TEMPORARY? LOOKS
PERMANENT TO ME.

LOOK, KID, I WANT YOU TO
REMEMBER ONE THING. WHAT'S THAT?

EVERYTHING ALWAYS LOOKS DARKEST
JUST BEFORE IT GOES COMPLETELY BLACK.

[Phone Ringing]

HELLO? OH, COLT,
DEAR. HOW'S IT GOING?

OH, DON'T GIVE ME
"HOW'S IT GOING?" JACK.

YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME
THAT CRAMER WAS A SHERIFF.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE, COLT? HE'S
VERY SUBSTANTIAL. HE OWNS HALF THE TOWN.

OH, IT COULD BE MORE THAN HALF.

WELL, I HAVE ABOUT A HALF A MIND
TO GET OUT OF HERE WHILE I STILL CAN.

COLT, WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THERE
WERE THREE MEN AFTER COUNTRY JOE?

WELL, NOW, JUST HOW
IS THAT OUR PROBLEM?

HOW'D YOU KNOW THREE
GUYS WERE AFTER JOE?

WELL, WHEN I CAME
IN HERE THIS MORNING,

THERE WERE THREE VERY LARGE
MEN GOING THROUGH MY FILES.

THEY ASKED ME WHERE THEY
COULD FIND COUNTRY JOE,

AND WHEN I SAID I WAS LOOKING
FOR HIM MYSELF, THEY LEFT.

WELL, JOE WILL JUST
HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF

HIMSELF TILL WE GET THIS
MESS STRAIGHTENED OUT,

WHICH I'M NOT SURE I
WANNA TAKE ON, CONSIDERING.

COLT, AFTER ALL THE TIMES
THAT I'VE HELPED YOU OUT...

WHAT'S A WOMAN
ALONE SUPPOSED TO DO?

DO YOU WANT ME TO
LOSE MY BUSINESS?

WOMEN!

COLT, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE SHERIFF WILL
DO IF HE FINDS OUT WHY WE'RE REALLY HERE?

OH, HE'LL HAVE US ESCORTED
TO THE COUNTY LINE.

THAT'S ALL? AND THEN
HAVE US BURIED UNDER IT.

OH, NO. HAVEN'T YOU
TWO DONE ENOUGH?

WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. IN FACT,
WE BARELY ESCAPED WITH OUR LIVES.

TABLE FOR TWO? WHY NOT?

YOU'LL JUST REPORT US TO
YOUR GOOD FRIEND, THE SHERIFF.

COME ON.

LOOK, WE'RE NOT REALLY THAT
GOOD OF FRIENDS WITH THE SHERIFF.

FACT IS... THE FACT IS THAT WE'RE
ONLY HERE BECAUSE WE HAVE TO BE.

BUT WE'RE CURIOUS. WHY DOES EVERYBODY
GO CRAZY WHEN WE MENTION HIS NAME?

- BECAUSE HE CHEATED JUST ABOUT
EVERYONE IN THIS TOWN.
- CHEATED?

HE FOUND OUT SOME CORPORATIONS WERE
GONNA BUILD DEFENSE PLANTS DOWN HERE...

WHEN THEY USED HIS OFFICES
TO RUN SECURITY CHECKS.

HE USED HIS INSIDE INFORMATION
TO BUY UP ALL THE LAND,

AND THEN PRACTICALLY ALL THE
BUSINESSES WITH HIS PROFITS.

- THERE'S MORE THAN
A LITTLE RESENTMENT.
- WE NOTICED.

YEAH.

[Man On Radio] HE SAID YOU'D KNOW
WHO HE WAS. I NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

WHAT KIND OF PLATES
DID HIS VEHICLE HAVE?

CALIFORNIA. THAT MEAN ANYTHING?

TAGGART, I WANT THOSE BOYS PICKED
UP, AND I WANT 'EM PICKED UP FAST.

NOBODY'S TO TALK TO 'EM
TILL I GET TO THEM. YOU HEAR?

I HEAR. RENFRO! YO! YO.

GIVE DISPATCH A
DESCRIPTION OF THAT VEHICLE.

WE'RE CLOSING DOWN
THE COUNTY. YOU BET.

[Sirens Wailing]

INSIDE. I'LL JUST WAIT
OUT HERE FOR YOU, COLT.

BOTH OF YA!

ALL RIGHT. WHICH ONE
OF YOU IS THE LIAR?

WELL, JUDGING FROM
THAT HANDSOME PICTURE ON

THE WALL OUT THERE, YOU
MUST BE SHERIFF CRAMER.

AND YOU'D BE COLT SEAVERS, HUH?

- THAT'S RIGHT.
- I NEVER HEARD OF YOU.

WELL, DON'T FEEL GUILTY
ABOUT IT. I'M USED TO IT.

- YOU'RE USED TO WHAT?
- BEING THE UNSUNG HERO.

NEXT, YOU'LL BE TELLING
ME YOU DIDN'T GET MY WIRE,

WHICH IS OBVIOUS FROM THE WAY THESE
CLOWNS OUT THERE HAVE BEEN TREATING ME.

YOU CALLING MY DEPUTIES CLOWNS?
YOU BETTER HAVE A STRONG NECK, BOY.

WELL, I HOPE YOU GOT A LOT MORE
DEPUTIES THAN I'VE SEEN SO FAR.

AND BRIGHTER TOO. OTHERWISE,

I'M... I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO
TAKE MY BUSINESS ELSEWHERE.

COLT, UH...

QUIET, OR I WON'T BE TAKIN' YOU
ON ANY MORE LOCATION SCOUTS.

YOU'RE PROBABLY THE ONE THAT
SCREWED THAT TELEGRAM UP TO THE SHERIFF.

NOW, DID YOU SEND
THAT OR NOT? WELL, I, UH...

HOLD IT! I'M ASKING
THE QUESTIONS HERE.

WE FOUND THE PROBLEM. NEPOTISM.

HOLLYWOOD IS CRAWLING
WITH IT. I DON'T SEE

HOW WE EVER MADE A
MOVIE UNDER $20 MILLION...

WITH COUSINS LIKE THAT
RUNNIN' AROUND LOOSE.

WELL, NOT EXACTLY ON THE LOOSE AT
THE MOMENT, THANKS TO YOU, SHERIFF.

YOU THINK WE COULD GET THESE
HANDCUFFS OFF SO WE COULD GET DOWN TO...

YOU TALK FASTER THAN A
PREACHER DURING COLLECTION.

- COME ON. WHO ARE YOU?
- BURT REYNOLDS.

YOU AIN'T BURT REYNOLDS.

TRUE. SOMETIMES,
I'M ROBERT REDFORD.

TAGGART. YES, SIR.

CALL THE COUNTY KOOK SQUAD.
WE GOT A MAJOR LOONY HERE.

LOOK, SHERIFF, WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL
YOU IS THAT I'M A MAJOR HOLLYWOOD STUNTMAN,

AND I'M HERE TO SET UP A SHOOTING
SITE FOR OUR NEXT HIGH-BUDGET MOVIE.

I MEAN, YOU CAN CHECK IT ALL OUT,
PROVIDING IT'S WORTH THE EFFORT.

NO POINT IN GETTING INTO BUSINESS,
THOUGH, UNTIL I HEAR YOUR TERMS.

- MY TERMS? TERMS FOR WHAT?
- TO RENT YOUR DEPARTMENT.

RENT MY DEPARTMENT? I MEAN
OFFICERS, PATROL CRUISERS, UNIFORMS...

EVERYTHING WE'LL NEED TO STAGE A REAL
HIGH-SPEED CHASE RIGHT THROUGH YOUR COUNTY.

- THROUGH MY COUNTY?
- WELL... OR THE NEXT COUNTY.

COUNTRY PRETTY MUCH
LOOKS ALL THE SAME.

I DON'T BELIEVE A
WORD YOU'RE SAYIN'.

LOOK, SHERIFF, I-I
CAN PROVE WHO I AM.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS CALL FALL GUY
STUNT ASSOCIATION IN HOLLYWOOD.

HOLLYWOOD.

AND I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK THAT
I WAS THE DUMB ONE IN THE FAMILY.

SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU?

NO, NO. HOW COULD
YOU THINK THAT?

HERE I AM WITH THE GREATEST
LEGEND EVER TO COME OUT OF PEA FALLS.

A MAN WHO JUMPS HIGH BUILDINGS, LEAPS OUT
OF AIRPLANES, CRASHES INTO CONCRETE WALLS.

MY HERO.

AND WHAT HAPPENS ON
THE FIRST JOB WE GO ON?

I GIVE UP. WHAT HAPPENS?

WE DIE, COLT. WE DIE LIKE DOGS,
GUNNED DOWN IN OUR PRIME.

YOU'RE EVEN SCARING ME.

YOU'RE NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY,
COLT, AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY.

I HAVE A PLAN. A PLAN.

THIS IS SOME PLAN.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY CHECK YOU
OUT AND FIND OUT WHY WE'RE REALLY HERE?

OH, HE'S GONNA CALL THAT
NUMBER I GAVE HIM IN LOS ANGELES,

AND THEY'RE GONNA
TELL HIM I'M A STUNTMAN.

THEN HIS GREED TAKES OVER.

THERE'S NO ONE IN THIS TOWN THAT COULD
POSSIBLY TELL HIM WHY WE'RE REALLY HERE.

THAT'S RIGHT, ISN'T IT?

THERE'S NO ONE IN THIS TOWN WHO KNOWS WHY
WE'RE HERE OR WHAT YOU DO FOR A SIDELINE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

JOE? YEAH?

I HOPE WE'RE DOIN' THE RIGHT
THING. WE DON'T HAVE ANY CHOICE.

HONEY, LOOK, COLT SEAVERS IS
DOWN HERE ON A BOUNTY HUNT.

NOW, HE'S THE ONE MAN IN THE WHOLE
WORLD THAT WE CAN TRUST TO SAVE OUR LIVES.

YOU BOYS ARE FREE TO GO.

SHERIFF SAYS HE'LL MEET YOU AT
THE BAJA CANTINA AT 8:00 FOR DINNER.

HIS GUESTS. WELL, YOU TELL
THE SHERIFF WE'LL BE THERE.

OKAY. YEE-HAW!

BOY, YOU SURE DO DRIVE
A HARD BARGAIN, SHERIFF.

20,000 IT IS. NOW, YOU PROVIDE ALL 10
OF YOUR POLICE CARS WITH DEPUTIES.

WHOO-HOO! WE'RE GONNA HAVE ONE FINE
TIME, HUH? WAIT'LL YOU SEE MY BOYS DRIVE.

- THEY'RE GOOD?
- THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' ON WHEELS
CAN OUTRUN ONE OF MY DEPUTIES.

- THOUGH A LOT
OF DEAD MEN HAVE TRIED.
- THAT'S REASSURING.

OH, IT'S GOOD TO KNOW
THE LAW IS PREPARED.

WHAT KIND OF FOLKS ARE YOU
GONNA HAVE IN THIS HERE PICTURE?

I MEAN, BESIDES YOUR
"REDWOOD" AND, UH, "EASTFORD."

OH, YOU MEAN WOMEN.
[Laughs] HE MEANS WOMEN, KID.

WELL, WE GOT, UH... WE
GOT ALL THE BEST WOMEN

IN AMERICA COMING
DOWN FOR THIS ONE, JOHN.

YOU GOT ANY BLONDES?

BLONDES. WELL, LET ME SEE. DO WE
GOT ANY BLONDES IN THIS ONE, KID?

I CAN'T THINK OF ANY.

OH!

- EXCEPT DOLLY PARTON.
- DOLLY PARTON?

- AND FARRAH FAWCETT.
- IS SHE GONNA BE HERE TOO?

ANN-MARGRET. SHE'S
SORT OF BLONDE.

- ANN-MARGRET?
- AND, UH, CHERYL LADD
AND LONI ANDERSON.

NOW, HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, KID. NOW,
LET'S SEE. NO, LONI... LONI AIN'T FIRM.

LONI ANDERSON AIN'T FIRM?

SHE LOOKS REAL GOOD ON THE TV.

- BY THE WAY, SHERIFF, ONE MORE
THING ABOUT THE REHEARSAL.
- THE REHEARSAL?

YEAH. WE... SEE,
IT'LL BE NECESSARY...

TO GATHER ALL YOUR DEPUTIES
IN THE COUNTY TOGETHER AT ONCE.

- WHAT FOR?
- WELL, UH, DRIVING SKILLS.

I MEAN, I GOTTA JUDGE WHO'S THE BEST,
AND WE GOTTA SEE WHO CAN DO WHAT.

WE DON'T WANT TO GET
ANYBODY KILLED NOW.

YEAH, YEAH.

UH, WELL, JUST TELL ME
WHAT YOU NEED AND WHEN.

WELL, TOMORROW MORNING. AND WE'LL
START RIGHT OUT IN FRONT OF THE JAILHOUSE.

IS THERE A CHOPPER
IN THIS COUNTY?

YOU DIDN'T SAY NOTHING
ABOUT A CHOPPER.

OH, WE'LL JUST NEED IT TOMORROW MORNING,
YOU KNOW, JUST TO JUDGE THE DRIVING.

WHEN WE SHOOT HERE, YOU KNOW,
NATURALLY WE'LL BRING OUR OWN.

- CAN YOU DELIVER?
- IS A DUCK WATERTIGHT?

WELL, GOOD, SHERIFF. WELL, I GUESS THAT
SETTLES ALL THE BUSINESS FOR TONIGHT.

HEY, COLT, AIN'T WE GONNA PARTY?

OH, NO. COME ON, KID. WE GOTTA TURN IN. WE
GOTTA PLAN OUT OUR STUNTS FOR TOMORROW.

- AW.
- YEAH. WE DON'T WANT
TO INSULT THE LADIES.

- I MEAN, WE CAN'T BE RUDE.
- MAYBE I'M NOT
MR. SEAVERS' TYPE.

MAYBE HE HAS A WIFE
AND KIDS BACK HOME.

[Cramer] WELL, IF THAT'S
A FACT, YOU'RE IN LUCK.

NO OUTSIDE MARRIAGES
COUNT IN MY COUNTY.

WE GOT SPECIAL
LAWS. WELL, UH... COLT!

NOREEN, WHAT ARE YOU... WE
FOLLOWED YOU ALL THE WAY DOWN HERE.

- COLT, WE NEED YOU.
- YOU NEED ME?

COME ON, LADIES. THESE FOLKS GOT
SOME PERSONAL THINGS TO WORK OUT.

WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE NIGHTCAP
OVER AT MY PLACE. JUST A...

YOU SAID SOMETHING
ABOUT AN ADVANCE.

RIGHT AFTER I JUDGE THE
DEPUTIES' DRIVING SKILLS TOMORROW.

UH-HUH. UH-HUH.
9:00 IN THE MORNING.

WE'LL BE THERE, SHERIFF.

COLT... COLT, LISTEN.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. HE'S WITH ME. WE
BETTER GET YOU OUT OF HERE. COME ON.

WAS THAT A POLICE
CAR HE DROVE OFF IN?

NOREEN, YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE COME HERE.

COUNTRY JOE AND I DIDN'T HAVE
ANYBODY ELSE TO TURN TO. COUNTRY JOE?

COUNTRY JOE IS DOWN HERE TOO?

- [Colt] OH, NO. - HELLO, COLT.

- I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
- JOE, YOU GOTTA
GET OUTTA HERE FAST.

THERE AIN'T NO PLACE FOR
ME TO GO. THEY'RE CHASIN' ME.

WHO? RANDY AND
THEM TWO BIG DUDES.

YOU MEAN THEY'RE COMING HERE?

MAY I SUGGEST WE GO
SOMEPLACE ELSE TO TALK?

FOLLOW MY TRUCK. OKAY.

[Joe] DRUGS. [Colt] DRUGS?
YOU? I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

NO, NOT ME. THE DUDES THAT WERE
TRYING TO MUSCLE IN ON MANAGING ME.

SEE, THEY WERE USING MY
TOURING BUS AT CONCERTS

TO DISTRIBUTE THE DRUGS
AROUND THE COUNTRY.

THEY ALWAYS SHOW UP AT MY GIG, YOU KNOW.
THEY WERE ALL FRIENDLY AND SMILING AND...

IT WAS NO WONDER. THEY
WERE STASHING AWAY...

ALL KINDS OF THINGS IN
THE PANEL OF HIS BIG BUS.

THAT'S RIGHT. AND MY MISTAKE WAS
ACCIDENTALLY FINDING THE DRUGS.

WHEN I FOUND 'EM, I GOT RID OF 'EM, OF
COURSE. NO WONDER THEY'RE CHASING YOU.

BUT YOU TOLD 'EM
WHAT YOU'D DONE WITH IT.

YOU THINK THEY BELIEVED ME? I WENT TO MY
MANAGER AND TOLD HIM WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

SO HE CONFRONTED THEM AND TOLD THEM
TO LET ME ALONE OR HE'D CALL THE POLICE.

- SO THEY BEAT HIM UP.
- AND THEY USED MY NAME
A LOT TOO, SEE?

AND HIS WIFE HEARD IT. THAT'S
WHY SHE HAD ME PUT IN JAIL.

WHICH WAS FINE, 'CAUSE I
WOULD BE SAFE THERE. BUT, SEE,

NOREEN DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING
ON, SO SHE CAME AND BAILED ME OUT.

THAT'S WHY I WAS AT THE PALOMINO
CLUB TRYING TO RAISE ME A STAKE...

TO GET ME AND HER AND
THE KID OUT OF TOWN.

THAT'S WHEN I SHOWED UP. BOY,
AND DID YOU SAVE MY LIFE, COLT.

'CAUSE THAT WAS PAYOFF NIGHT, AND
THEY WERE GONNA GET THEIR DRUGS,

OR THEY WERE GONNA TAKE ME AND
NOREEN AND THE KID OUT AND WASTE US.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? AT
LEAST I COULD'VE GOTTEN SOME HELP.

COMIN' DOWN HERE WAS THE
WORST THING YOU COULD'VE DONE.

YOU'RE RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE OF A WAR ZONE.

WELL, CAN'T WE GO TO THE
LOCAL SHERIFF FOR PROTECTION?

GREAT IDEA. NEXT.

JOE, I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT YOU
STUMBLED INTO HERE, BUT YOU GOTTA LEAVE.

BUT I CAN'T. THEY'RE CHASING ME.
THEY'RE ONLY HALF A DAY BEHIND ME.

COLT, IF THOSE GUYS PULL
INTO TOWN... YEAH, I KNOW.

LOOK, WE'LL HANDLE YOUR FRIENDS, BUT YOU
GOTTA GET BACK ON THE ROAD, AND DON'T STOP.

- BUT WHERE? WHERE DO I GO?
- GO SOUTH, THEN CUT OVER. TAKE
THE INTERSTATE BACK TO L.A.

- AND THEN YOU
GO STRAIGHT TO SOAPY.
- ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN HOLD 'EM?

IF YOU HAD ANYBODY ELSE YOU COULD TRUST,
WOULD YOU HAVE DRIVEN YOUR FAMILY THIS FAR?

I LOVE YOU FOR THIS, MAN, AND
I WON'T FORGET IT, BELIEVE ME.

ONE LAST QUESTION. IT
MIGHT MAKE THE DIFFERENCE...

WHETHER ANY OF US GET
OUT OF THIS COUNTY ALIVE.

HOW DID YOU FIND ME? NO ONE WAS
SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHERE I WAS.

THROUGH YOUR ANSWERING SERVICE. I CALLED
'EM, AND THEY SAID YOU WERE DOWN HERE.

THEY SAID I COULD REACH YOU
THROUGH THE LOCAL SHERIFF.

WHO'D BE DUMB ENOUGH TO...

COLT, YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT
HAVING TO BE INCOGNITO DOWN HERE.

I THOUGHT WE'D BE WORKING
CLOSELY WITH THE LOCAL SHERIFF,

AND SO I LEFT THE NUMBER
IN CASE MY MOTHER...

YOUR MOTHER? I'LL CANCEL IT.

JOE, WHAT DID YOU
TELL THE SHERIFF?

WELL, I NEVER REALLY
SAW HIM. I WAS ON MY WAY

TO HIS OFFICE, AND THEN
I SPOTTED YOUR TRUCK.

[Sighs] WELL, YOU'D
BETTER GET GOING.

WE GOT A LOT TO DO IF WE'RE
GONNA INTERCEPT YOUR FRIENDS.

YOU GOT IT.

WELL, WE'RE KIND OF BUSY
DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW.

CAN'T YOU KEEP THAT CAT
LOCKED UP OR SOMETHIN'?

PIECE OF CAKE. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU'RE GONNA BREAK YOUR NECK GOIN'
UP, OR YOU'RE GONNA GET SHOT COMIN' OUT.

GEEZ, HAVE A LITTLE
FAITH, WILL YA?

IT'S WHAT I DO FOR
A LIVIN', REMEMBER?

YOU STAY PUT.

YEP. I FIGURE I'M GONNA
BUY ME THAT NEW SHOTGUN.

MY WIFE'S MOTHER WANTS A
NEW SET OF DRAPES. WHAT?

YEAH. NEW SET OF DRAPES.

YOU JUST BOUGHT HER
SOME FUZZY SLIPPERS.

MAN, THAT DON'T
MAKE NO DIFFERENCE.

I BELIEVE SHE'S TAKIN'
ADVANTAGE OF YOU.

LET ME HAVE SOME OF THAT
LIZARD SWEAT SHE CALLS COFFEE.

- YOU BETTER BE GLAD
YOU'RE GETTIN' ANYTHING.
- JUST LET ME HAVE A SWIG OF IT.

I'LL BE GLAD WHEN
THIS NIGHT'S OVER.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT. HEY!

[Phone Ringing]
SHERIFF'S OFFICE.

- TEN MILES.
- SAY WHAT?

SIGN BACK THERE
SAID 10 MORE MILES.

THAT'S THEM. ARE YOU SURE?

HOW COULD I FORGET?
THEY KILLED ME.

UH-OH. YOU BETTER SLOW DOWN.

I'M NOT SPEEDING.

WELL, YOU'RE DOIN' SOMETHING.
THE MAN'S RIGHT BEHIND US.

PULL OVER HERE.

SEE YOUR OPERATOR'S
LICENSE, PLEASE?

BE RIGHT BACK.

- BE COOL. BE COOL.
- IT'S HIM!

- HIM WHO?
- THE DUDE WE KILLED.

COME ON, RIGHTEOUS. HOW CAN IT BE
THE DUDE WE KILLED IF WE KILLED HIM?

I DON'T KNOW!

WE KILLED HIM ONCE. THIS
TIME, WE'RE GONNA BE SURE.

- HE'S GOT US!
- GOT US? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, GOT US? HOW?

YOU TELL ME. THE
WHEELS ARE JUST SPINNIN'.

BE SURE IT'S TIGHT.

HAVE A NICE DAY, FELLAS. WE'LL LEAVE
A NOTE EXPLAINING YOU TO THE SHERIFF.

MORNIN', COLT.

MORNIN', SHERIFF.

BOY, THEY'RE GONNA
BE GOOD IN THE MOVIE.

SOME OF 'EM LOOK REAL
MEAN, DON'T THEY? YEAH.

REAL MEAN. THEY'LL
BE FINE, SHERIFF.

YEP. NOW, EXACTLY, UH, WHAT
DO YOU WANT MY BOYS TO DO?

WELL, I'LL LEAD THE
WAY STRAIGHT SOUTH.

THEN IT'LL JUST BE UP TO YOUR
DEPUTIES TO TRY AND CATCH ME.

[Cramer] THEY'RE ALL LOOKIN'
FORWARD TO THAT, HUH?

SO AM I, SHERIFF.

WELL, WHEN I TAKE OFF, I WANT EACH OF YOUR
BOYS NOW JUST TO TROMP ON THEM SUCKERS...

AND GO TILL THE RUBBER GETS SO HOT
ON THEM TIRES, THEY JUST BEG FOR MERCY.

BEG FOR MERCY, EH?

HOW FAR DO YOU WANT
MY BOYS TO GO? TILL I STOP.

THAT'S WHEN YOU'LL PICK
ME UP IN THE CHOPPER.

AND THEN THAT WAY, I'LL GET A
CHANCE TO, UH, OBSERVE 'EM FIRSTHAND...

AS THEY RACE EACH
OTHER BACK TO TOWN.

AND THERE'LL BE A $1,000 BONUS
FOR THE BOY WHO WINS. [Men Cheering]

[Cramer] A THOUSAND DOLLARS,
HUH? [Man] I COULD USE THAT!

ALL RIGHT! WE'RE ALL SET!

ALL RIGHT, DON'T GET LOST, SHERIFF.
I'M COUNTIN' ON YOU TO PICK ME UP.

COME ON, RENFRO. LET'S GO.

[Spectators Cheering, Shouting]

[Cheering, Shouting Continue]

YOU JUST RELAX AND
ENJOY IT, RENFRO.

YOU'RE GONNA SEE SOME
FANCY DRIVIN'. I'M READY.

[Screaming]

YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS WANTED
TO BE A STUNTMAN IN THE MOVIES.

[Screams] LOOK OUT!

WHOA!

WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT TURN YOU DID BACK
THERE? WHAT... JUST LIKE THAT ONE THERE.

RENFRO, I THINK YOU'D MAKE A
GREAT LEADING MAN, ACTUALLY.

DO YA? SURE.

WELL, MY MOTHER
USED TO SAY THAT TO ME.

OH, MR. COLT, THIS MAKES ME FEEL
LIKE I'M JUST RIGHT THERE IN THE MOVIES.

I HAD A COUSIN THAT WAS
IN THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

YEAH? SHE WAS AN EXTRA.

HE'S TAKIN' MY BOYS AN
AWFUL LONG WAY SOUTH.

OKAY, GUYS, LET'S PLAY
FOLLOW-THE-LEADER.

YOU DIDN'T SIGNAL BACK THERE.

GUESS YOU'D BETTER
TIGHTEN THAT BELT UP.

THAT BELT IS ABOUT AS TIGHT
AS I CAN GET IT RIGHT NOW.

I DON'T RECKON I CAN
DO THIS EVERY DAY.

THAT LOOKS EASY, COLT.

WHOA!

[Chatter On Police Radio]

[Man] WHERE'D HE GO?
I CAN'T SEE A THING!

[Whistles]

HEY, GUYS, I'M OVER HERE!

I RECKON YOU JUST REALLY GOTTA PAY
ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU'RE DOIN', DON'T YA?

[Renfro] THAT SIGN SAYS
THE BRIDGE IS OUT, MR. COLT!

JUST SIT THERE AND RELAX.

[Renfro Screaming]

I'LL TELL YOU, YOU'RE A GOOD
DRIVER, MR. COLT. THANK GOD.

WHOA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THAT BOY SURE CAN DRIVE.

OKAY, RENFRO, IT'S ALL YOURS. WHEN THOSE
BOYS CATCH UP, YOU DO JUST LIKE I DID.

I KNOW YOU WON'T DO IT AS WELL,
BUT YOU DO THE BEST YOU CAN.

OH, HE'S PULLING OVER
NOW. SET THIS THING DOWN.

I WILL SAY THIS FOR YOU:
YOU DO KNOW HOW TO DRIVE.

AND FLY TOO, SHERIFF. OUT.

WHAT IS THIS, MORE
FUN AND GAMES?

NO GAMES, SHERIFF.
JUST SIT BACK AND RELAX.

HEY, WHAT IS THIS?

WHO ARE YOU? A
FRIEND OF THE COURT.

HEY, WHAT...

NOW WHAT?

NOW WE CIRCLE BACK, MEET
THE TRUCK AT THE COUNTY LINE.

YOU AIN'T GONNA
GET AWAY WITH THIS.

WHO'S GONNA STOP US?

HOWDY. HOWDY.

HELP YOU GENTLEMEN?
OH, I HOPE SO.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR THIS MAN.

WANTED IN LOS ANGELES FOR
JUMPING BAIL. SEEN HIM AROUND?

- HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.
- OH.

WELL, HIS WIFE COULD BE DRIVING A
BIG RED CAR WITH HORNS ON THE FRONT.

HORNS ON IT? YEAH.

YOU BOYS BEEN DRINKIN'?

BREAKER, BREAKER. UNIT 12 TO
HEADQUARTERS. THIS IS RENFRO.

THIS IS H.Q. WHAT IS IT, RENFRO?

WELL, YOU AIN'T
GONNA BELIEVE THIS,

BUT THAT HOLLYWOOD FELLA
KIDNAPPED THE SHERIFF BY GUNPOINT.

WHAT? WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

WELL, HE TOOK THE CHOPPER AND
HE HEADED NORTH... UH, SOUTH...

WELL, HE'S HEADED TOWARD
THE... THE COUNTY LINE RIGHT NOW.

I FIGURE HE'S PROBABLY FIGURIN' ON MEETING
UP WITH THAT PARTNER OF HIS IN THE PICKUP.

THINK HE BELIEVED ME?

ALL UNITS! ALL UNITS! STOP
WHERE YOU ARE AND TURN AROUND.

COMMENCE A PURSUIT
NORTH TO THE COUNTY LINE...

USING ANY MEANS NECESSARY
TO STOP COLT SEAVERS.

YOU'LL BE SORRY FOR THIS DAY.

THE DAY I'LL NEVER FORGET IS THE ONE THAT
YOU RAN DOWN A YOUNG BOY ON A BICYCLE,

LEFT HIM TO DIE.

- THAT'S COLT'S TRUCK.
- DEPUTY DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT COUNTRY JOE BEIN' IN IT.

WELL, IF HE ISN'T, THEY'LL
KNOW WHERE HE IS.

WELL, WELL, WELL.

I KNEW MY DEPUTIES WERE LOYAL,

BUT NOW YOU SEE AN AVERAGE
CITIZEN COME FORWARD...

READY TO AVENGE THE DESPOTISM...

THAT WOULD ROB THIS COMMUNITY
OF ITS MOST BELOVED LEADER.

[Bullet Ricochets] [Gasps]
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

JUST ONE OF YOUR
AVERAGE ADMIRERS.

- [Gunfire Continues]
- ALL RIGHT,

ALL RIGHT! I'LL
SURRENDER MYSELF!

I'LL CALL MY DEPUTIES OFF.

OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU, SHERIFF.
YOU'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

UNFORTUNATELY, YOUR
DEPUTIES ARE NOT THE PROBLEM.

LOOK AT THAT FOOL!
HE'S GONNA RAM US!

HE CAN'T DO THAT. HE'D BE
DEAD RIGHT ALONG WITH US.

YEAH, WELL, YOU BETTER TELL HIM.

JUST GIVE ME A HINT.
HOW ARE WE GONNA DIE?

OH, NOTHING TO IT, SHERIFF. I
DID THIS IN A COMMERCIAL ONCE.

HANG ON.

THAT GUY'S NUTS!
HE WOULDN'T DARE.

GET THAT MANIAC!

[Gunfire] WHAT WAS THAT?

[Randy] GENTLEMEN, WE
ARE IN SOME DEEP TROUBLE.

I SMELL SMOKE!

YEAH, IT'S JUST THE
FIRE ON OUR TAIL. FIRE?

WELL, IT'S YOUR MOVE,
SHERIFF. I'M GOING OUT.

IF YOU DON'T WANNA FOLLOW ME, THESE
TWO STICKS BASICALLY FLY THIS BABY.

THAT'S MURDER!
I'LL CRASH! I'LL DIE!

UH-UH. DON'T WORRY.
YOU WON'T HAVE TIME.

THE EXPLOSION FROM THE FIRE'LL KILL YOU
LONG BEFORE YOU FIGURE OUT HOW TO CRASH.

OH, LORD!

OPEN YOUR DOOR, GET
READY FOR A QUICK EXIT.

IN THE NAME OF HEAVEN, COLT,
ARE ALL YOUR CASES LIKE THIS? NO.

SOMETIMES, IT GETS REAL STICKY.

KEEP THE PEDAL TO THE METAL,
KID, AND THEY'LL NEVER CATCH US.

IF I'D KNOWN YOU WAS GOING TO ALL
THIS TROUBLE, I'D HAVE TURNED MYSELF IN.

WELL, BIG JOHN, THE
WORLD IS FULL OF PEOPLE...

WHO MIGHT HAVE TURNED
THEMSELVES IN BUT DIDN'T.

SO YOU REALLY OWE ME
AND THE KID HERE YOUR

HEARTFELT THANKS FOR
KEEPING YOU FROM HARM.

- SO SAY "THANK YOU," BIG JOHN.
- YOU'RE REALLY NUTS!

WELL, LET ME PUT IT ANOTHER WAY.

EITHER YOU SAY "THANK
YOU" AND BEHAVE YOURSELF,

OR YOU'RE GONNA RIDE ALL THE
WAY TO CALIFORNIA IN THE BACK.

COME ON! YOU WOULDN'T.

YEAH. I THINK YOU WOULD.

ALL RIGHT.

I WANNA THANK YOU FOR
KEEPING ME FROM HARM.

YOU'RE WELCOME, BIG
JOHN. YOU'RE WELCOME.

IT'S RENFRO. LOOKS
LIKE THEY GOT BIG JOHN.

I'M AFRAID WE'VE SEEN
THE LAST OF HIM. YOU SURE?

I'M SURE.

YEE-HAW!

♪ I MIGHT FALL FROM
A TALL BUILDING ♪

♪ SO BURT REYNOLDS
DON'T GET HURT ♪

♪ I MIGHT LEAP A MIGHTY CANYON ♪

♪ SO HE CAN KISS AND FLIRT ♪

♪ WHILE THAT SMOOTH
TALKER'S KISSIN' MY GIRL ♪

♪ I'M JUST KISSIN' DIRT ♪

♪ YES I'M THE LONELY STUNTMAN ♪

♪ THAT MADE A LOVER
OUT OF BURT ♪♪

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE, GONNA
TAKE A DRY RUN. STAND CLEAR.

[Phone Ringing] ALL RIGHT,
EVERYONE, LET'S HAVE IT QUIET.

- THIS IS A TAKE.
- NEW YORK STREET.

I'M TRYING TO REACH COLT
SEAVERS. IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

SOAPY, HE'S RIGHT IN
THE MIDDLE OF A SHOT.

IS THAT SOAPY? I THINK
I'D BETTER HANDLE THIS.

HELLO? HEY, I SAID QUIET.

ROLL 'EM! THIS IS HOWIE MUNSON.

- I WANTED TO SPEAK TO COLT.
- WHAT CAN I DO FOR YA?

[Scoffs] WELL, WHERE IS HE? I
NEED TO TALK TO HIM. IT'S URGENT.

OH. WELL, HE'LL BE HERE IN A
MINUTE. MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU.

WELL, TELL HIM THE RIO
BROTHERS WERE SPOTTED IN MAUI.

LET ME GET THAT
DOWN. JUST A MINUTE.

THE MAUI BROTHERS
WERE JUST SPOTTED IN RIO.

NO, NO. THE RIO BROTHERS...
OH! WHERE'S COLT?

WELL, HE SHOULD BE
DROPPING IN ANY SECOND.

[Spectators Cheering]

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, GREAT. NOW
LET'S GET THE FIRST TEAM IN HERE...

AND GET A CLOSE-UP
OF THE LEADING LADY.

- LET'S GO!
- THAT WAS A GREAT STUNT, COLT.

[Chuckles] WELL, ANYTHING
FOR MY LEADING LADY.

COME HERE.

- YOU TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF?
- I ALWAYS DO.

NO, YOU DON'T. I
KNOW YOU, REMEMBER?

- [Man] READY ON THE SET.
- THANK YOU.

I GUESS I BETTER LET YOU GO.

YOU BE CAREFUL.

YOU TOO.

HEY. YOU STILL HAVE GREAT LEGS.

COLT, TELEPHONE. IT'S SOAPY.

YEAH, HI, SOAPY.

UH-HUH. UH-HUH.

UH-HUH. WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

THE IDEA OF GOIN' TO
HAWAII SOUNDS REAL GOOD,

BUT CHASIN' THOSE TWO CRAZY
GUYS AROUND THE ISLAND, I...

THAT... THAT SOUNDS LIKE
IT'S KIND OF DANGEROUS.

♪ THEY'LL NEVER
MAKE ME PRESIDENT ♪

♪ BUT I GOT THE
BEST FIRST LADIES ♪

♪ SOME DAYS I'VE GOT 'EM
AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE ♪

♪ OOH-WEE ♪

♪ A MORNING DIVE
WITH JACKIE SMITH ♪

♪ I CRASH IN THE
NIGHT WITH CHERYL ♪

♪ BUT IN THE END THEY
NEVER STAY WITH ME ♪

♪ I MIGHT FALL FROM
A TALL BUILDING ♪

♪ SO BURT REYNOLDS
DON'T GET HURT ♪

♪ I MIGHT LEAP A MIGHTY CANYON ♪

♪ SO HE CAN KISS AND FLIRT ♪

♪ WHILE THAT SMOOTH
TALKER'S KISSIN' MY GIRL ♪

♪ I'M JUST KISSIN' DIRT ♪

♪ YES I'M THE LONELY STUNTMAN ♪

♪ THAT MADE A LOVER
OUT OF BURT ♪♪

[Man] FALL GUY IS A GLEN
LARSON PRODUCTION.