The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 6, Episode 15 - Working It Out - full transcript
♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪
♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪
♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT NOBODY CALLED
TO SAY THEY WOULDN'T
BE HERE FOR DINNER.
AGAIN.
ARE YOU SAYING
THEY'RE INCONSIDERATE?
WELL, IT'S THE LAST TIME I MAKE
MY CHINESE FESTIVAL FOR FIVE.
'CAUSE IF YOU'RE
TALKING INCONSIDERATE,
LET'S TALK ABOUT NATALIE.
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE
FOR THE MOVIES 10 MINUTES AGO.
HOW WOULD THEY LIKE IT IF
THEY SHOWED UP FOR DINNER
AND I DECIDED I DIDN'T
WANT TO COOK IT?
FACE IT, I'VE BEEN STOOD UP.
WHEN A GUY STANDS
YOU UP, IT'S BAD.
BUT WHEN YOUR
GIRLFRIEND DOES IT,
YOU KNOW YOU'VE HIT BOTTOM.
OH, MRS. G, DON'T YELL.
I WAS AT THE LIBRARY.
THERE WAS A LINE FOR THE
PHONE AND A LINE FOR THE BOOKS.
THE LINE FOR THE
BOOKS WAS SHORTER.
WE HAD THIS SOPHOMORE
SEMINAR ALL AFTERNOON.
DO YOU BELIEVE I GOTTA
GO THROUGH THESE BOOKS
AND PICK A MAJOR BY DECEMBER?
OH, I SEE YOU SENT
OUT FOR CHINESE.
WELL, I'LL HAVE SOME LATER.
SENT OUT? MY FOOT!
PEKING PALACE WOULD KILL FOR
THE SECRET OF MY CHAR SOO DING.
YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY? I
SAY, TO HECK WITH NATALIE.
I'LL GO SEE KARATE
KID BY MYSELF.
YOU MEAN YOU'LL TAKE THE BUS
TO TARRYTOWN ALONE AT NIGHT?
I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
OKAY, IT'S A BAD IDEA,
BUT I'M GOING ANYWAY.
NO, TOOTIE, I DON'T THINK SO.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE YOU GIRLS DON'T
TAKE THE BUS ALONE AT NIGHT.
HI, GUYS, WHAT A DAY.
YOU WILL NEVER
GUESS WHERE I'VE BEEN.
IF YOU'D CALL, I
WOULDN'T HAVE TO GUESS.
THAT'S OKAY. I'M GONNA
TELL YOU ANYWAY.
FOR THE PAST THREE HOURS, I
HAVE BEEN WITH MISS DOWNS.
WHY, YOU MAY ASK, WOULD
A YOUNG GIRL SO FULL OF LIFE
WANT TO SPEND THREE
HOURS WITH OLD PRUNE FACE?
I'LL TELL YOU IN TWO
WORDS... PERMANENT FILE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
A PERMANENT FILE IS?
OF COURSE, THAT'S THE SCHOOL'S
RECORDS OF YOUR GRADES AND ACTIVITIES.
AND MISTAKES AND TRANSGRESSIONS
AND SINS AGAINST MAN AND NATURE.
AND A COPY OF THAT FILE GOES
TO EVERY COLLEGE I APPLY TO.
THEY'LL KNOW
EVERYTHING ABOUT ME.
I MIGHT AS WELL JUST SEND
THEM A COPY OF MY DIARY.
NATALIE, I WOULDN'T WORRY SO
MUCH ABOUT YOUR PAST MISTAKES
AS I WOULD ABOUT THE
ONES YOU'RE MAKING NOW.
I SPENT THREE HOURS GROVELING
TO GET MISS DOWNS TO TAKE SOME
OF THOSE BAD REPORTS OFF MY FILE.
I'M EXHAUSTED.
NATALIE, HAVEN'T YOU
FORGOTTEN SOMETHING?
NO, I'VE GOT MY FRIED RICE,
MY CHAR SOO DING.
HEY, WHERE'S THE EGG ROLL?
NATALIE, WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO GO TO THE MOVIES TONIGHT.
I STOOD YOU UP?
I STOOD YOU UP! HOW
HUMILIATING FOR YOU.
YOU MUST BE
ABSOLUTELY MORTIFIED.
DON'T LET IT BOTHER YOU.
OK.
YOU KNOW, THIS STUFF MUST HAVE
BEEN GOOD WHEN IT WAS WARM.
HI, ALL!
WELL, HI, BLAIR.
AND WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
OUT ON A DATE, OF COURSE.
SAY HELLO, DATE.
HI.
SPARKLES, DOESN'T HE?
EVER SINCE SHE
AND CLIFF BROKE UP,
SHE'S BEEN DATING
EVERYTHING IN TOPSIDERS.
[WATCH BEEPS]
OOPS! SORRY, CHAZ.
OUR DATE IS OFFICIALLY OVER.
BUT SO SOON?
ASK NOT FOR WHOM
THE BELL PINGS, CHAZ.
IT PINGS FOR YOU.
I HAD A WONDERFUL...
I'M SURE YOU DID.
AND MAYBE YOU
WILL AGAIN SOMETIME.
TA.
I HAVE TO CHANGE.
IF MY NEXT DATE SHOWS UP,
GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO READ.
ANYTHING WITH PICTURES.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING
AND WHEN WILL YOU BE BACK?
YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
YOU WERE A LOT EASIER
TO KEEP TRACK OF WHEN
YOU WERE ENGAGED TO CLIFF.
LOOK, I DON'T HAVE
TIME FOR SHOW-AND-TELL.
A LITTLE COMMON COURTESY
DOESN'T TAKE THAT LONG.
OOH, I LIKE THAT.
LET'S PUT IT ON A SAMPLER
AND HANG IT IN THE KITCHEN.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
YOU WERE A LOT NICER
WHEN YOU WERE ENGAGED TO CLIFF.
WE WERE NOT ENGAGED.
THEY SIZED MY FINGER,
BUT WE NEVER GOT THE RING.
AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE
THE WAY I'M ACTING,
FEEL FREE TO IGNORE ME.
EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
NOW, WHAT'S WRONG?
ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?
I'M RUNNING LATE.
HELLO, JO, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
CAN YOU SEE ME WORKING
FOR THE GOVERNMENT?
NOT OURS.
YOU REMEMBER HOWARD SINCLAIR?
THE ONE WITH THE HAIRY KNEES?
I'VE DECIDED I'M NEVER
GOING OUT WITH HIM AGAIN.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?
YEAH, HE'S GOT HAIRY KNEES.
ANYWAY, THERE WE WERE
HAVING A PERFECTLY
GOOD GIGGLE OVER LUNCH.
WHEN, ALL OF THE
SUDDEN, HE ASKED ME
WHERE I STOOD ON
THE NUCLEAR FREEZE.
I MEAN, REALLY, THE ONLY
THING I WANT TO FREEZE
IS A MILKY WAY.
AND TO THINK MONDALE
PICKED FERRARO
WHEN HE COULD HAVE HAD HER.
OH, LISTEN, JO, YOU KNOW
OUR ECONOMICS CLASS?
YEAH, DO YOU?
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
THERE SINCE LAST WEEK.
TIME SURE FLIES WHEN
YOU'RE BLAIR WARNER.
ANYWAY, I WAS
THINKING WHILE I CHANGE,
YOU CAN READ ME YOUR NOTES
SO I CAN SEE WHAT I MISSED.
BLAIR, I DON'T HAVE THE TIME.
I GOT TO DECIDE WHAT TO
DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE.
THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER.
THAT'S IT, MARINE BIOLOGY.
WELL, IF YOU HAVE
TO STUDY BIOLOGY,
IT MAY AS WELL BE A MARINE'S.
AND WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA MAJOR IN? DATING?
WITH HAIR LIKE
THIS, WOULDN'T YOU?
YOU KNOW, IT'S TOO BAD
THE GONG SHOW IS DEAD.
YOU DO A GREAT
IMITATION OF A JACKASS.
NATALIE, FORGET ABOUT
YOUR PERMANENT FILE.
WEEDING MR. HENSHEY'S GARDEN
WON'T CHANGE THE MARK HE
GAVE YOU IN SEVENTH GRADE.
MAYBE HE'LL GIVE
ME A MAKE-UP TEST.
OH, COME ON, LET'S
GO TO THE MOVIES.
WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN.
TOOTIE, WHEN YOU
BECOME A SENIOR,
THE WORD "FUN" IS SURGICALLY
REMOVED FROM YOUR VOCABULARY.
NAT, YOU TALK LIKE WE'RE
FROM DIFFERENT PLANETS.
TOOTIE, YOU'RE A
JUNIOR, I'M A SENIOR.
WE'RE FROM DIFFERENT GALAXIES.
NATALIE, DO ME A FAVOR.
BOLDLY GO WHERE NO
MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, ASK JO.
JO, TELL HER.
NAT, PLEASE, I'M
DECIDING MY FUTURE HERE.
AT LEAST YOU HAVE ONE.
I WON'T HAVE A FUTURE IF I DON'T
DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY PAST.
DID YOU EVER GET A LOOK
AT YOUR PERMANENT FILE?
I'M SO SICK OF THAT FILE.
NAT, YOU'RE PARANOID.
OF COURSE, I AM.
A HEALTHY DOSE OF PARANOIA
IS WHAT GETS YOU THROUGH LIFE.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS PERFECT
WHITE TEETH AND A BODY PERM.
OH, COME ON, WOULD
YOU GIVE ME A BREAK?
CAN'T I HAVE FIVE MINUTES
PEACE AND QUIET SO I CAN THINK?
MRS. G, THIS PLACE IS A ZOO,
EXCEPT YOU GOT THE
GOAT, THE CHIPMUNK,
AND THE PEACOCK AND THE PEOPLE
ALL IN THE SAME CAGE.
IT'S NOT NATURAL.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
RUSS!
RON. RON!
WELL, WE'RE OFF.
JUST A SECOND. WHEN
WILL YOU BE BACK?
LATER.
WELL, NOT TOO LATE I HOPE.
AFTER ALL, IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT.
A SCHOOL NIGHT?
MRS. GARRETT, THAT'S
SO "HIGH SCHOOL."
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS THAT FOR
THE COLLEGE CROWD,
EVERY NIGHT IS A SATURDAY NIGHT.
WHAT A LIFE. RIGHT, RUSS?
RON.
JO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MAKING THE FIRST INCISION.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I WAS THINKING ABOUT
BECOMING A SURGEON.
AND I GOTTA PRACTICE MY CUTS.
ON A SAUSAGE?
TO YOU, THIS IS A SAUSAGE.
TO ME, IT'S A RUPTURED SPLEEN.
COME ON, EAT.
MRS. G., DON'T WORRY.
EXCUSE ME, BUT WHEN ONE OF
MY GIRLS STAYS OUT ALL NIGHT,
THAT'S WHAT I DO... WORRY.
WHAT IF SHE'S HAD AN ACCIDENT?
BELIEVE ME, ANYTHING
BLAIR DID LAST NIGHT
WAS NO ACCIDENT.
(laughing) OH, OH, OH, OH!
I JUST MEAN SHE'LL SHOW UP.
WELL, TOOTIE, WE
BETTER GET GOING.
UH, HOLD IT, TOOTIE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
WHERE DO I ALWAYS GO AT 8:00?
TO THE EASTLAND
SCHOOL FOR GIRLS.
YOU CAN'T GO TO
SCHOOL LIKE THAT.
WHY NOT?
I'M EXPRESSING MY CREATIVITY.
TOOTIE, WRITE A POEM.
NATALIE, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL HELP
YOU WRITE THE POEM.
LOOK, THE WORST THAT'LL HAPPEN IS
THEY'LL SEND ME HOME FROM SCHOOL.
UH, DRESSED LIKE THAT, I DON'T
THINK YOU'LL MAKE IT TO SCHOOL.
NOT THAT YOU WON'T BE
OFFERED PLENTY OF RIDES.
HELLO, ALL!
BLAIR!
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
THE GANG WENT OUT FOR COFFEE.
COFFEE?
WHERE'D YOU GO, BOSTON?
YEAH. HOW'D YOU KNOW?
AND YOU DIDN'T CALL TO TELL ME?
NO, BUT YOU WERE ON MY MIND.
LOOK! BAGELS FOR EVERYONE.
OH, GREAT, TOO BAD
YOU DIDN'T STOP OFF
IN PHILADELPHIA
FOR CREAM CHEESE.
YOU DROVE ALL THE WAY
TO BOSTON FOR COFFEE?
THAT'S SO COLLEGIATE.
JUST THINK, NEXT YEAR,
I'LL BE ABLE TO DO THAT.
OVER MY NEW
ULCERS. BLAIR? BLAIR?
WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK UP THE PHONE
AND LET ME KNOW YOU WOULDN'T BE HOME?
YOU'LL REALLY GONNA READ
HER THE RIOT ACT, AREN'T YOU?
TOOTIE, PLEASE.
BLAIR, THIS IS NOT LIKE YOU.
YOU CALL THAT THE RIOT ACT?
WHAT DO WE GOT HERE,
TWO SETS OF RULES?
ONE FOR THE BIG
KIDS AND ONE FOR ME?
THERE ARE NOT TWO
SETS OF RULES HERE.
WHAT WE HAVE IN THIS
HOUSE IS A MUTUAL AGREEMENT
AS TO WHAT IS
ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR!
OOH, THAT'S GOOD.
OH, I GET IT. YOU
ONLY GET THE RIOT ACT
IF YOU STAY OUT ALL NIGHT
AND WEAR LEGWARMERS.
WELL, I HATE TO EAT AND RUN.
BLAIR, YOU KNOW WE GOT AN
ECONOMICS TEST IN 15 MINUTES.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
YOU WOULD IF YOU CAME
TO CLASS ONCE IN A WHILE.
JUST A MINUTE, BLAIR,
ARE YOU CUTTING CLASSES?
ONLY THE BORING ONES.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
THAT'S THE LAST STRAW, ISN'T IT?
TOOTIE, SHUSH!
BLAIR, I WANT YOU TO COME BACK
HERE AFTER YOUR LAST CLASS.
WE HAVE TO TALK.
OH, I'M SORRY, I
CAN'T. I HAVE A DATE.
NO, YOU DON'T.
YES, I DO.
TRUST ME.
DOES SHE? NO, SHE DOESN'T!
BLAIR, YOU'RE GROUNDED!
I'M WHAT?
YOU'RE GROUNDED!
MRS. GARRETT,
YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER
OR MY GUARDIAN OR MY CONSCIENCE.
YOU'RE MY LANDLADY.
HEY!
NOW, I'M LEAVING
NOW, AND I'LL BE BACK.
WHEN I GET BACK.
WHERE'S BLAIR?
THERE'S A MOVING VAN OUT FRONT.
YOU THINK SHE'S LEAVING?
WELL, IF SHE DOESN'T,
I THINK MRS. G OUGHT TO BOUNCE
HER OUT ON HER BODY PERM.
WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF?
OH, IT'S MY NEW LOOK.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
KEEP LOOKING.
SO YOU THINK MRS. GARRETT
HAD THE RIGHT TO
GROUND BLAIR, HUH?
DOES YOUR MOTHER
MAKE A LOT OF MONEY?
WHAT?
WELL, SHE'S THE ONLY
HONEST LAWYER I KNOW.
AND I FIGURED, IF SHE
CAN MAKE A LIVING AT IT,
MAYBE I'D GIVE IT A SHOT.
SO WHAT DOES SHE MAKE?
JUST LIKE A BALLPARK FIGURE.
ENOUGH TO SEND ME TO EASTLAND,
BUT NOT ENOUGH TO
BUY ME LEATHER PANTS.
WHERE'S BLAIR?
WHAT HAVE I MISSED?
WHY ARE THERE DEAD
BIRDS ON YOUR EARS?
BECAUSE I LIKE THEM.
OK.
SO BLAIR'S NOT BACK YET?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THE WAY
SHE TALKED TO MRS. GARRETT.
SHE IS LUCKY THIS ISN'T
GOING ON HER PERMANENT FILE.
OR MAYBE IT IS.
COME ON, GUYS, I'M TRYING
TO CONCENTRATE HERE.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE NEVER SEEN
ANYONE DEFY MRS. GARRETT
LIKE THAT AND LIVE.
OF COURSE, WE HAVEN'T SEEN
BLAIR SINCE THIS MORNING.
WONDER WHAT WOULD HAPPEN
IF I TRIED TO WALK OUT ON HER.
OH, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN...
YOU'D TURN TO LEAVE AND
BEFORE YOU'D HIT THE DOOR,
YOU'D HIT THE FLOOR.
YOU KNOW, THOSE EARRINGS
KINDA GROW ON YOU.
I DON'T MEAN ON
YOU, I MEAN ON ME.
I MEAN, THEY CERTAINLY
MAKE A STATEMENT.
OH, YOU THINK SO?
ABSOLUTELY, MY FINE
FEATHERED FRIEND.
NATALIE, I'M SORRY I
WAS SO ANGRY AT YOU.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
WERE ANGRY WITH ME.
NAT, I'VE BEEN FURIOUS WITH
YOU. HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED?
WELL, I'VE HAD A LOT ON MY MIND.
NATALIE, THIS MORNING
YOUR TOOTHBRUSH FELL
INTO THE WASTE BASKET,
AND I DIDN'T RINSE IT OFF.
EEEOOO!
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THAT BAD.
I GUESS I'VE JUST BEEN
WRAPPED UP IN MY OWN PROBLEMS.
YOU HAVE! BUT I FORGIVE YOU.
AND NOW THAT YOU'RE FORGIVEN,
I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT MY PLAN.
WHAT PLAN?
TO STEAL YOUR PERMANENT FILE.
WHAT?
REMEMBER HOW WE SNUCK
THAT CAT PAST MRS. GARRETT?
SAME BASIC M.O.
YOU CREATE A DIVERSION
IN THE HALL, MEANWHILE...
TOOTIE, TOOTIE, BELIEVE ME,
IT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF FUN,
BUT SCHOOLGIRL PRANKS
AREN'T THE ANSWER TO THIS ONE.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
I HAVE TO LET GO OF MY PAST.
MY SALVATION LIES
IN A CLEAN TODAY.
AND A SPOTLESS TOMORROW.
AND A BORING DAY AFTER.
AND A DEADLY DAY AFTER THAT.
AH, SO HERE YOU ARE.
HAS EITHER ONE OF YOU BOTHERED
TO LOOK AT THE NEW
WORK SCHEDULE I POSTED?
ISN'T IT THE SAME AS LAST YEAR?
WHY SHOULD IT BE?
NOTHING ELSE IS.
WHERE'S JO?
SHE'S STILL IN THE BATHROOM.
SHE'S BEEN IN THERE FOREVER.
MRS. GARRETT, IF YOU'RE UP
HERE, WHO'S MINDING THE STORE?
YOU TELL ME.
OH, TOOTIE, DON'T LET THOSE
THINGS GET TOO NEAR EACH OTHER.
THEY MIGHT MULTIPLY.
DON'T WORRY.
THEY'LL GROW ON HER, TOO.
JO. YEAH.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, A LITTLE
ROUGHAGE MIGHT HELP.
MRS. G., I WAS JUST TRYING
TO FIND A QUIET PLACE
TO READ AND THINK.
THIS CAREER BUSINESS
IS FRYING MY BRAIN.
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO LISTEN
TO EVERYBODY ELSE'S PROBLEMS.
YOU KNOW WHAT MY
BIGGEST PROBLEM IS?
YOU KNOW, ON THE OTHER HAND,
PSYCHIATRISTS MAKE BARRELS OF MONEY.
SIT DOWN.
WELL, MY BIGGEST PROBLEM IS
YOU'RE ALL CHANGING
SO MUCH, SO FAST.
YOU GIRLS ARE GROWING UP,
MATURING, AND YOU'RE
DOING MORE ADULT THINGS.
(Blair giggling)
BLAIR, WHAT'S GOING ON?
GEORGE AND I WERE JUST
PLAYING GONE WITH THE WIND.
OH, THAT'S ADULT.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU BRING A
BOY UP HERE UNANNOUNCED?
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
EVERYBODY'S DRESSED.
BLAIR, THAT'S ENOUGH.
I WAS RIGHT.
I KNEW I SAW A GUY
GO UP THE STAIRS.
TOOTIE OWES ME FIVE BUCKS.
HOW'D HE GET UP HERE?
THE SAME WAY HE'S GETTING DOWN.
NATALIE, WILL YOU
SHOW GEORGE THE WAY?
SURE, COME ON, GEORGE.
SORRY, MA'AM.
SEE YOU LATER, SCARLETT.
IT'S REALLY GONNA
HIT THE FAN, ISN'T IT?
NATALIE!
WE'RE GONE.
I SUPPOSE YOU'RE GONNA
LECTURE ME ON HOUSE RULES.
LET ME GET A PENCIL AND PAPER
SO I DON'T FORGET ANYTHING.
MRS. G., WHY DON'T YOU TURN
YOUR BACK JUST FOR A MINUTE?
I DON'T WANT TO
TALK ABOUT RULES.
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOU.
THERE'S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.
YOU'VE BEEN IRRESPONSIBLE,
INCONSIDERATE, AND
DOWNRIGHT NASTY.
AND THAT'S NOT THE BLAIR I KNOW.
SURE, IT IS.
I'M EXACTLY WHAT JO'S
ALWAYS SAID I WAS...
FLIGHTY, SHALLOW, A SNAKE.
I DIDN'T CALL YOU A
SNAKE, ONLY A JACKASS.
WELL, YOU WERE WRONG.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.
SOMEONE'S GONNA HAVE
TO EXPLAIN YOUR BEHAVIOR.
EVEN WHEN CLIFF WAS A
PERMANENT FIXTURE AROUND HERE,
YOU NEVER BROUGHT HIM
UPSTAIRS UNANNOUNCED.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I GOT IT.
THIS HAS SOMETHING TO
DO WITH CLIFF, DOESN'T IT?
I THOUGHT SO.
CLIFF DUMPED YOU, DIDN'T HE?
YOU AND CLIFF
DIDN'T JUST BREAK UP.
HE DUMPED BLAIR WARNER.
THIS IS IT. I'LL BE A DETECTIVE.
WELL, YOU WON'T
BE A VERY GOOD ONE,
BECAUSE THAT'S
NOT WHAT HAPPENED.
THEN WHAT DID HAPPEN?
BLAIR.
THE TRUTH IS I
BROKE UP WITH HIM.
THAT'S IT?
YOU BREAK UP WITH
GUYS ALL THE TIME.
NOT WITH SOMEONE LIKE CLIFF.
HE WAS GIVING AND
INTELLIGENT AND ADORABLE.
AND I JUST... FELL
OUT OF LOVE WITH HIM.
THAT HAPPENS, BLAIR.
PEOPLE FALL OUT
OF LOVE ALL THE TIME.
NOT RESPONSIBLE PEOPLE.
NOT PEOPLE OF DEPTH.
HE WAS THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH
I EVER WANTED TO HURT.
I'LL NEVER FORGET
THE LOOK ON HIS FACE.
WHAT KIND OF A
PERSON COULD DO THAT?
AN HONEST PERSON.
MRS. GARRETT, IT WAS MY
FIRST SIGNIFICANT RELATIONSHIP,
AND I WASN'T ABLE
TO MAKE IT WORK.
I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR CLIFF.
DON'T YOU SEE?
IF I ACT FLIGHTY
AND THOUGHTLESS
AND IRRESPONSIBLE,
IT'S BECAUSE...
THAT'S WHAT I AM.
OH, BLAIR, YOU'RE BEING
TOO HARD ON YOURSELF.
WOULD IT HAVE BEEN BETTER
IF YOU HAD PRETENDED TO CLIFF
AND GOTTEN MARRIED?
AND THEN 10 YEARS
AND 2 KIDS LATER,
YOU FINALLY TOLD HIM THE TRUTH.
I COULDN'T WAIT ANY LONGER.
I GAVE YOU ENOUGH TIME
TO TRY AND CONVICT HER.
TOOTIE, CAN IT.
NO, TOOTIE'S RIGHT.
I ACTED LIKE A SPOILED BRAT
AND I DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED.
OK, WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?
I'LL FOLLOW ALL OF YOUR
RULES AND REGULATIONS
AND BE GROUNDED FOR
AS LONG AS YOU SAY.
WELL, AS A MATTER OF
FACT, I CHANGED MY MIND.
BLAIR, I... I WAS WRONG TO
GROUND YOU THIS MORNING.
NO, YOU WEREN'T.
WHY, I'VE BEEN IMPOSSIBLE,
UNBEARABLE, OBNOXIOUS.
WELL, AT LEAST YOU'VE
IDENTIFIED THE PROBLEM.
I CAN'T BE ALLOWED
TO GET AWAY WITH THAT.
SOMEBODY HAS TO
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.
NOT ME.
NOT ANYMORE.
WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE ME?
RIGHT WHERE YOU BELONG.
ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET.
BUT I MAKE SO MANY MISTAKES.
SHE'S GOT A POINT THERE.
WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.
SOMETIMES IT HURTS.
BUT THAT'S HOW WE GROW.
BLAIR, I'M HERE
IF YOU EVER NEED ANYONE
TO BOUNCE THINGS OFF OF.
EH, YOU ALL BETTER
GET DOWNSTAIRS.
ACCORDING TO MY SCHEDULE,
I'VE GOT THE AFTERNOON OFF.
MRS. GARRETT.
IF I HAD DONE ALL
THOSE THINGS BLAIR DID,
I'D BE GROUNDED
FOR A MONTH, RIGHT?
FOREVER.
SO, IN FACT, THERE ARE
TWO SETS OF BEHAVIOR
THAT'S CONSIDERED
ACCEPTABLE AROUND HERE.
YOU MEAN TWO SETS OF RULES?
YES, THERE ARE.
BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR.
TOOTIE, YOU'RE 16 YEARS OLD
AND A JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL.
BLAIR'S A 20-YEAR-OLD
COLLEGE SOPHOMORE.
IT'S FAIR.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS?
UP TO A POINT.
THIS IS GONNA BE A
VERY DIFFICULT YEAR.
WE ARE FOUR INDIVIDUAL
INDIVIDUALS WITH INDIVIDUAL PROBLEMS.
MINE, OF COURSE, SEEM
TO BE TOTALLY IGNORED.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING? YOU'RE
GOING TO HAVE YOUR HANDS FULL.
♪ YOU'LL AVOID A LOT OF DAMAGE ♪
♪ AND ENJOY THE FUN OF
MANAGING THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪
♪ IF YOU HEAR 'EM
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪
♪ BETTER CLEAR 'EM
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪
♪ BETTER GET 'EM RIGHT
CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU GOT THE FUTURE IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HANDS ♪
♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO
TO GET YOU THROUGH ♪
♪ IS UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'D
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪
♪ YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT
THROUGH WITHOUT THE TRUTH ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ LEARNING THE
FACTS OF LIFE... ♪♪
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪
♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪
♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT NOBODY CALLED
TO SAY THEY WOULDN'T
BE HERE FOR DINNER.
AGAIN.
ARE YOU SAYING
THEY'RE INCONSIDERATE?
WELL, IT'S THE LAST TIME I MAKE
MY CHINESE FESTIVAL FOR FIVE.
'CAUSE IF YOU'RE
TALKING INCONSIDERATE,
LET'S TALK ABOUT NATALIE.
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE
FOR THE MOVIES 10 MINUTES AGO.
HOW WOULD THEY LIKE IT IF
THEY SHOWED UP FOR DINNER
AND I DECIDED I DIDN'T
WANT TO COOK IT?
FACE IT, I'VE BEEN STOOD UP.
WHEN A GUY STANDS
YOU UP, IT'S BAD.
BUT WHEN YOUR
GIRLFRIEND DOES IT,
YOU KNOW YOU'VE HIT BOTTOM.
OH, MRS. G, DON'T YELL.
I WAS AT THE LIBRARY.
THERE WAS A LINE FOR THE
PHONE AND A LINE FOR THE BOOKS.
THE LINE FOR THE
BOOKS WAS SHORTER.
WE HAD THIS SOPHOMORE
SEMINAR ALL AFTERNOON.
DO YOU BELIEVE I GOTTA
GO THROUGH THESE BOOKS
AND PICK A MAJOR BY DECEMBER?
OH, I SEE YOU SENT
OUT FOR CHINESE.
WELL, I'LL HAVE SOME LATER.
SENT OUT? MY FOOT!
PEKING PALACE WOULD KILL FOR
THE SECRET OF MY CHAR SOO DING.
YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY? I
SAY, TO HECK WITH NATALIE.
I'LL GO SEE KARATE
KID BY MYSELF.
YOU MEAN YOU'LL TAKE THE BUS
TO TARRYTOWN ALONE AT NIGHT?
I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
OKAY, IT'S A BAD IDEA,
BUT I'M GOING ANYWAY.
NO, TOOTIE, I DON'T THINK SO.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE YOU GIRLS DON'T
TAKE THE BUS ALONE AT NIGHT.
HI, GUYS, WHAT A DAY.
YOU WILL NEVER
GUESS WHERE I'VE BEEN.
IF YOU'D CALL, I
WOULDN'T HAVE TO GUESS.
THAT'S OKAY. I'M GONNA
TELL YOU ANYWAY.
FOR THE PAST THREE HOURS, I
HAVE BEEN WITH MISS DOWNS.
WHY, YOU MAY ASK, WOULD
A YOUNG GIRL SO FULL OF LIFE
WANT TO SPEND THREE
HOURS WITH OLD PRUNE FACE?
I'LL TELL YOU IN TWO
WORDS... PERMANENT FILE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
A PERMANENT FILE IS?
OF COURSE, THAT'S THE SCHOOL'S
RECORDS OF YOUR GRADES AND ACTIVITIES.
AND MISTAKES AND TRANSGRESSIONS
AND SINS AGAINST MAN AND NATURE.
AND A COPY OF THAT FILE GOES
TO EVERY COLLEGE I APPLY TO.
THEY'LL KNOW
EVERYTHING ABOUT ME.
I MIGHT AS WELL JUST SEND
THEM A COPY OF MY DIARY.
NATALIE, I WOULDN'T WORRY SO
MUCH ABOUT YOUR PAST MISTAKES
AS I WOULD ABOUT THE
ONES YOU'RE MAKING NOW.
I SPENT THREE HOURS GROVELING
TO GET MISS DOWNS TO TAKE SOME
OF THOSE BAD REPORTS OFF MY FILE.
I'M EXHAUSTED.
NATALIE, HAVEN'T YOU
FORGOTTEN SOMETHING?
NO, I'VE GOT MY FRIED RICE,
MY CHAR SOO DING.
HEY, WHERE'S THE EGG ROLL?
NATALIE, WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO GO TO THE MOVIES TONIGHT.
I STOOD YOU UP?
I STOOD YOU UP! HOW
HUMILIATING FOR YOU.
YOU MUST BE
ABSOLUTELY MORTIFIED.
DON'T LET IT BOTHER YOU.
OK.
YOU KNOW, THIS STUFF MUST HAVE
BEEN GOOD WHEN IT WAS WARM.
HI, ALL!
WELL, HI, BLAIR.
AND WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
OUT ON A DATE, OF COURSE.
SAY HELLO, DATE.
HI.
SPARKLES, DOESN'T HE?
EVER SINCE SHE
AND CLIFF BROKE UP,
SHE'S BEEN DATING
EVERYTHING IN TOPSIDERS.
[WATCH BEEPS]
OOPS! SORRY, CHAZ.
OUR DATE IS OFFICIALLY OVER.
BUT SO SOON?
ASK NOT FOR WHOM
THE BELL PINGS, CHAZ.
IT PINGS FOR YOU.
I HAD A WONDERFUL...
I'M SURE YOU DID.
AND MAYBE YOU
WILL AGAIN SOMETIME.
TA.
I HAVE TO CHANGE.
IF MY NEXT DATE SHOWS UP,
GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO READ.
ANYTHING WITH PICTURES.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING
AND WHEN WILL YOU BE BACK?
YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
YOU WERE A LOT EASIER
TO KEEP TRACK OF WHEN
YOU WERE ENGAGED TO CLIFF.
LOOK, I DON'T HAVE
TIME FOR SHOW-AND-TELL.
A LITTLE COMMON COURTESY
DOESN'T TAKE THAT LONG.
OOH, I LIKE THAT.
LET'S PUT IT ON A SAMPLER
AND HANG IT IN THE KITCHEN.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
YOU WERE A LOT NICER
WHEN YOU WERE ENGAGED TO CLIFF.
WE WERE NOT ENGAGED.
THEY SIZED MY FINGER,
BUT WE NEVER GOT THE RING.
AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE
THE WAY I'M ACTING,
FEEL FREE TO IGNORE ME.
EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
NOW, WHAT'S WRONG?
ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?
I'M RUNNING LATE.
HELLO, JO, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
CAN YOU SEE ME WORKING
FOR THE GOVERNMENT?
NOT OURS.
YOU REMEMBER HOWARD SINCLAIR?
THE ONE WITH THE HAIRY KNEES?
I'VE DECIDED I'M NEVER
GOING OUT WITH HIM AGAIN.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?
YEAH, HE'S GOT HAIRY KNEES.
ANYWAY, THERE WE WERE
HAVING A PERFECTLY
GOOD GIGGLE OVER LUNCH.
WHEN, ALL OF THE
SUDDEN, HE ASKED ME
WHERE I STOOD ON
THE NUCLEAR FREEZE.
I MEAN, REALLY, THE ONLY
THING I WANT TO FREEZE
IS A MILKY WAY.
AND TO THINK MONDALE
PICKED FERRARO
WHEN HE COULD HAVE HAD HER.
OH, LISTEN, JO, YOU KNOW
OUR ECONOMICS CLASS?
YEAH, DO YOU?
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
THERE SINCE LAST WEEK.
TIME SURE FLIES WHEN
YOU'RE BLAIR WARNER.
ANYWAY, I WAS
THINKING WHILE I CHANGE,
YOU CAN READ ME YOUR NOTES
SO I CAN SEE WHAT I MISSED.
BLAIR, I DON'T HAVE THE TIME.
I GOT TO DECIDE WHAT TO
DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE.
THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER.
THAT'S IT, MARINE BIOLOGY.
WELL, IF YOU HAVE
TO STUDY BIOLOGY,
IT MAY AS WELL BE A MARINE'S.
AND WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA MAJOR IN? DATING?
WITH HAIR LIKE
THIS, WOULDN'T YOU?
YOU KNOW, IT'S TOO BAD
THE GONG SHOW IS DEAD.
YOU DO A GREAT
IMITATION OF A JACKASS.
NATALIE, FORGET ABOUT
YOUR PERMANENT FILE.
WEEDING MR. HENSHEY'S GARDEN
WON'T CHANGE THE MARK HE
GAVE YOU IN SEVENTH GRADE.
MAYBE HE'LL GIVE
ME A MAKE-UP TEST.
OH, COME ON, LET'S
GO TO THE MOVIES.
WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN.
TOOTIE, WHEN YOU
BECOME A SENIOR,
THE WORD "FUN" IS SURGICALLY
REMOVED FROM YOUR VOCABULARY.
NAT, YOU TALK LIKE WE'RE
FROM DIFFERENT PLANETS.
TOOTIE, YOU'RE A
JUNIOR, I'M A SENIOR.
WE'RE FROM DIFFERENT GALAXIES.
NATALIE, DO ME A FAVOR.
BOLDLY GO WHERE NO
MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, ASK JO.
JO, TELL HER.
NAT, PLEASE, I'M
DECIDING MY FUTURE HERE.
AT LEAST YOU HAVE ONE.
I WON'T HAVE A FUTURE IF I DON'T
DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY PAST.
DID YOU EVER GET A LOOK
AT YOUR PERMANENT FILE?
I'M SO SICK OF THAT FILE.
NAT, YOU'RE PARANOID.
OF COURSE, I AM.
A HEALTHY DOSE OF PARANOIA
IS WHAT GETS YOU THROUGH LIFE.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS PERFECT
WHITE TEETH AND A BODY PERM.
OH, COME ON, WOULD
YOU GIVE ME A BREAK?
CAN'T I HAVE FIVE MINUTES
PEACE AND QUIET SO I CAN THINK?
MRS. G, THIS PLACE IS A ZOO,
EXCEPT YOU GOT THE
GOAT, THE CHIPMUNK,
AND THE PEACOCK AND THE PEOPLE
ALL IN THE SAME CAGE.
IT'S NOT NATURAL.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
RUSS!
RON. RON!
WELL, WE'RE OFF.
JUST A SECOND. WHEN
WILL YOU BE BACK?
LATER.
WELL, NOT TOO LATE I HOPE.
AFTER ALL, IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT.
A SCHOOL NIGHT?
MRS. GARRETT, THAT'S
SO "HIGH SCHOOL."
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS THAT FOR
THE COLLEGE CROWD,
EVERY NIGHT IS A SATURDAY NIGHT.
WHAT A LIFE. RIGHT, RUSS?
RON.
JO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MAKING THE FIRST INCISION.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I WAS THINKING ABOUT
BECOMING A SURGEON.
AND I GOTTA PRACTICE MY CUTS.
ON A SAUSAGE?
TO YOU, THIS IS A SAUSAGE.
TO ME, IT'S A RUPTURED SPLEEN.
COME ON, EAT.
MRS. G., DON'T WORRY.
EXCUSE ME, BUT WHEN ONE OF
MY GIRLS STAYS OUT ALL NIGHT,
THAT'S WHAT I DO... WORRY.
WHAT IF SHE'S HAD AN ACCIDENT?
BELIEVE ME, ANYTHING
BLAIR DID LAST NIGHT
WAS NO ACCIDENT.
(laughing) OH, OH, OH, OH!
I JUST MEAN SHE'LL SHOW UP.
WELL, TOOTIE, WE
BETTER GET GOING.
UH, HOLD IT, TOOTIE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
WHERE DO I ALWAYS GO AT 8:00?
TO THE EASTLAND
SCHOOL FOR GIRLS.
YOU CAN'T GO TO
SCHOOL LIKE THAT.
WHY NOT?
I'M EXPRESSING MY CREATIVITY.
TOOTIE, WRITE A POEM.
NATALIE, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL HELP
YOU WRITE THE POEM.
LOOK, THE WORST THAT'LL HAPPEN IS
THEY'LL SEND ME HOME FROM SCHOOL.
UH, DRESSED LIKE THAT, I DON'T
THINK YOU'LL MAKE IT TO SCHOOL.
NOT THAT YOU WON'T BE
OFFERED PLENTY OF RIDES.
HELLO, ALL!
BLAIR!
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
THE GANG WENT OUT FOR COFFEE.
COFFEE?
WHERE'D YOU GO, BOSTON?
YEAH. HOW'D YOU KNOW?
AND YOU DIDN'T CALL TO TELL ME?
NO, BUT YOU WERE ON MY MIND.
LOOK! BAGELS FOR EVERYONE.
OH, GREAT, TOO BAD
YOU DIDN'T STOP OFF
IN PHILADELPHIA
FOR CREAM CHEESE.
YOU DROVE ALL THE WAY
TO BOSTON FOR COFFEE?
THAT'S SO COLLEGIATE.
JUST THINK, NEXT YEAR,
I'LL BE ABLE TO DO THAT.
OVER MY NEW
ULCERS. BLAIR? BLAIR?
WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK UP THE PHONE
AND LET ME KNOW YOU WOULDN'T BE HOME?
YOU'LL REALLY GONNA READ
HER THE RIOT ACT, AREN'T YOU?
TOOTIE, PLEASE.
BLAIR, THIS IS NOT LIKE YOU.
YOU CALL THAT THE RIOT ACT?
WHAT DO WE GOT HERE,
TWO SETS OF RULES?
ONE FOR THE BIG
KIDS AND ONE FOR ME?
THERE ARE NOT TWO
SETS OF RULES HERE.
WHAT WE HAVE IN THIS
HOUSE IS A MUTUAL AGREEMENT
AS TO WHAT IS
ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR!
OOH, THAT'S GOOD.
OH, I GET IT. YOU
ONLY GET THE RIOT ACT
IF YOU STAY OUT ALL NIGHT
AND WEAR LEGWARMERS.
WELL, I HATE TO EAT AND RUN.
BLAIR, YOU KNOW WE GOT AN
ECONOMICS TEST IN 15 MINUTES.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
YOU WOULD IF YOU CAME
TO CLASS ONCE IN A WHILE.
JUST A MINUTE, BLAIR,
ARE YOU CUTTING CLASSES?
ONLY THE BORING ONES.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
THAT'S THE LAST STRAW, ISN'T IT?
TOOTIE, SHUSH!
BLAIR, I WANT YOU TO COME BACK
HERE AFTER YOUR LAST CLASS.
WE HAVE TO TALK.
OH, I'M SORRY, I
CAN'T. I HAVE A DATE.
NO, YOU DON'T.
YES, I DO.
TRUST ME.
DOES SHE? NO, SHE DOESN'T!
BLAIR, YOU'RE GROUNDED!
I'M WHAT?
YOU'RE GROUNDED!
MRS. GARRETT,
YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER
OR MY GUARDIAN OR MY CONSCIENCE.
YOU'RE MY LANDLADY.
HEY!
NOW, I'M LEAVING
NOW, AND I'LL BE BACK.
WHEN I GET BACK.
WHERE'S BLAIR?
THERE'S A MOVING VAN OUT FRONT.
YOU THINK SHE'S LEAVING?
WELL, IF SHE DOESN'T,
I THINK MRS. G OUGHT TO BOUNCE
HER OUT ON HER BODY PERM.
WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF?
OH, IT'S MY NEW LOOK.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
KEEP LOOKING.
SO YOU THINK MRS. GARRETT
HAD THE RIGHT TO
GROUND BLAIR, HUH?
DOES YOUR MOTHER
MAKE A LOT OF MONEY?
WHAT?
WELL, SHE'S THE ONLY
HONEST LAWYER I KNOW.
AND I FIGURED, IF SHE
CAN MAKE A LIVING AT IT,
MAYBE I'D GIVE IT A SHOT.
SO WHAT DOES SHE MAKE?
JUST LIKE A BALLPARK FIGURE.
ENOUGH TO SEND ME TO EASTLAND,
BUT NOT ENOUGH TO
BUY ME LEATHER PANTS.
WHERE'S BLAIR?
WHAT HAVE I MISSED?
WHY ARE THERE DEAD
BIRDS ON YOUR EARS?
BECAUSE I LIKE THEM.
OK.
SO BLAIR'S NOT BACK YET?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THE WAY
SHE TALKED TO MRS. GARRETT.
SHE IS LUCKY THIS ISN'T
GOING ON HER PERMANENT FILE.
OR MAYBE IT IS.
COME ON, GUYS, I'M TRYING
TO CONCENTRATE HERE.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE NEVER SEEN
ANYONE DEFY MRS. GARRETT
LIKE THAT AND LIVE.
OF COURSE, WE HAVEN'T SEEN
BLAIR SINCE THIS MORNING.
WONDER WHAT WOULD HAPPEN
IF I TRIED TO WALK OUT ON HER.
OH, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN...
YOU'D TURN TO LEAVE AND
BEFORE YOU'D HIT THE DOOR,
YOU'D HIT THE FLOOR.
YOU KNOW, THOSE EARRINGS
KINDA GROW ON YOU.
I DON'T MEAN ON
YOU, I MEAN ON ME.
I MEAN, THEY CERTAINLY
MAKE A STATEMENT.
OH, YOU THINK SO?
ABSOLUTELY, MY FINE
FEATHERED FRIEND.
NATALIE, I'M SORRY I
WAS SO ANGRY AT YOU.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
WERE ANGRY WITH ME.
NAT, I'VE BEEN FURIOUS WITH
YOU. HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED?
WELL, I'VE HAD A LOT ON MY MIND.
NATALIE, THIS MORNING
YOUR TOOTHBRUSH FELL
INTO THE WASTE BASKET,
AND I DIDN'T RINSE IT OFF.
EEEOOO!
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THAT BAD.
I GUESS I'VE JUST BEEN
WRAPPED UP IN MY OWN PROBLEMS.
YOU HAVE! BUT I FORGIVE YOU.
AND NOW THAT YOU'RE FORGIVEN,
I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT MY PLAN.
WHAT PLAN?
TO STEAL YOUR PERMANENT FILE.
WHAT?
REMEMBER HOW WE SNUCK
THAT CAT PAST MRS. GARRETT?
SAME BASIC M.O.
YOU CREATE A DIVERSION
IN THE HALL, MEANWHILE...
TOOTIE, TOOTIE, BELIEVE ME,
IT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF FUN,
BUT SCHOOLGIRL PRANKS
AREN'T THE ANSWER TO THIS ONE.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
I HAVE TO LET GO OF MY PAST.
MY SALVATION LIES
IN A CLEAN TODAY.
AND A SPOTLESS TOMORROW.
AND A BORING DAY AFTER.
AND A DEADLY DAY AFTER THAT.
AH, SO HERE YOU ARE.
HAS EITHER ONE OF YOU BOTHERED
TO LOOK AT THE NEW
WORK SCHEDULE I POSTED?
ISN'T IT THE SAME AS LAST YEAR?
WHY SHOULD IT BE?
NOTHING ELSE IS.
WHERE'S JO?
SHE'S STILL IN THE BATHROOM.
SHE'S BEEN IN THERE FOREVER.
MRS. GARRETT, IF YOU'RE UP
HERE, WHO'S MINDING THE STORE?
YOU TELL ME.
OH, TOOTIE, DON'T LET THOSE
THINGS GET TOO NEAR EACH OTHER.
THEY MIGHT MULTIPLY.
DON'T WORRY.
THEY'LL GROW ON HER, TOO.
JO. YEAH.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, A LITTLE
ROUGHAGE MIGHT HELP.
MRS. G., I WAS JUST TRYING
TO FIND A QUIET PLACE
TO READ AND THINK.
THIS CAREER BUSINESS
IS FRYING MY BRAIN.
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO LISTEN
TO EVERYBODY ELSE'S PROBLEMS.
YOU KNOW WHAT MY
BIGGEST PROBLEM IS?
YOU KNOW, ON THE OTHER HAND,
PSYCHIATRISTS MAKE BARRELS OF MONEY.
SIT DOWN.
WELL, MY BIGGEST PROBLEM IS
YOU'RE ALL CHANGING
SO MUCH, SO FAST.
YOU GIRLS ARE GROWING UP,
MATURING, AND YOU'RE
DOING MORE ADULT THINGS.
(Blair giggling)
BLAIR, WHAT'S GOING ON?
GEORGE AND I WERE JUST
PLAYING GONE WITH THE WIND.
OH, THAT'S ADULT.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU BRING A
BOY UP HERE UNANNOUNCED?
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
EVERYBODY'S DRESSED.
BLAIR, THAT'S ENOUGH.
I WAS RIGHT.
I KNEW I SAW A GUY
GO UP THE STAIRS.
TOOTIE OWES ME FIVE BUCKS.
HOW'D HE GET UP HERE?
THE SAME WAY HE'S GETTING DOWN.
NATALIE, WILL YOU
SHOW GEORGE THE WAY?
SURE, COME ON, GEORGE.
SORRY, MA'AM.
SEE YOU LATER, SCARLETT.
IT'S REALLY GONNA
HIT THE FAN, ISN'T IT?
NATALIE!
WE'RE GONE.
I SUPPOSE YOU'RE GONNA
LECTURE ME ON HOUSE RULES.
LET ME GET A PENCIL AND PAPER
SO I DON'T FORGET ANYTHING.
MRS. G., WHY DON'T YOU TURN
YOUR BACK JUST FOR A MINUTE?
I DON'T WANT TO
TALK ABOUT RULES.
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOU.
THERE'S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.
YOU'VE BEEN IRRESPONSIBLE,
INCONSIDERATE, AND
DOWNRIGHT NASTY.
AND THAT'S NOT THE BLAIR I KNOW.
SURE, IT IS.
I'M EXACTLY WHAT JO'S
ALWAYS SAID I WAS...
FLIGHTY, SHALLOW, A SNAKE.
I DIDN'T CALL YOU A
SNAKE, ONLY A JACKASS.
WELL, YOU WERE WRONG.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.
SOMEONE'S GONNA HAVE
TO EXPLAIN YOUR BEHAVIOR.
EVEN WHEN CLIFF WAS A
PERMANENT FIXTURE AROUND HERE,
YOU NEVER BROUGHT HIM
UPSTAIRS UNANNOUNCED.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I GOT IT.
THIS HAS SOMETHING TO
DO WITH CLIFF, DOESN'T IT?
I THOUGHT SO.
CLIFF DUMPED YOU, DIDN'T HE?
YOU AND CLIFF
DIDN'T JUST BREAK UP.
HE DUMPED BLAIR WARNER.
THIS IS IT. I'LL BE A DETECTIVE.
WELL, YOU WON'T
BE A VERY GOOD ONE,
BECAUSE THAT'S
NOT WHAT HAPPENED.
THEN WHAT DID HAPPEN?
BLAIR.
THE TRUTH IS I
BROKE UP WITH HIM.
THAT'S IT?
YOU BREAK UP WITH
GUYS ALL THE TIME.
NOT WITH SOMEONE LIKE CLIFF.
HE WAS GIVING AND
INTELLIGENT AND ADORABLE.
AND I JUST... FELL
OUT OF LOVE WITH HIM.
THAT HAPPENS, BLAIR.
PEOPLE FALL OUT
OF LOVE ALL THE TIME.
NOT RESPONSIBLE PEOPLE.
NOT PEOPLE OF DEPTH.
HE WAS THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH
I EVER WANTED TO HURT.
I'LL NEVER FORGET
THE LOOK ON HIS FACE.
WHAT KIND OF A
PERSON COULD DO THAT?
AN HONEST PERSON.
MRS. GARRETT, IT WAS MY
FIRST SIGNIFICANT RELATIONSHIP,
AND I WASN'T ABLE
TO MAKE IT WORK.
I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR CLIFF.
DON'T YOU SEE?
IF I ACT FLIGHTY
AND THOUGHTLESS
AND IRRESPONSIBLE,
IT'S BECAUSE...
THAT'S WHAT I AM.
OH, BLAIR, YOU'RE BEING
TOO HARD ON YOURSELF.
WOULD IT HAVE BEEN BETTER
IF YOU HAD PRETENDED TO CLIFF
AND GOTTEN MARRIED?
AND THEN 10 YEARS
AND 2 KIDS LATER,
YOU FINALLY TOLD HIM THE TRUTH.
I COULDN'T WAIT ANY LONGER.
I GAVE YOU ENOUGH TIME
TO TRY AND CONVICT HER.
TOOTIE, CAN IT.
NO, TOOTIE'S RIGHT.
I ACTED LIKE A SPOILED BRAT
AND I DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED.
OK, WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?
I'LL FOLLOW ALL OF YOUR
RULES AND REGULATIONS
AND BE GROUNDED FOR
AS LONG AS YOU SAY.
WELL, AS A MATTER OF
FACT, I CHANGED MY MIND.
BLAIR, I... I WAS WRONG TO
GROUND YOU THIS MORNING.
NO, YOU WEREN'T.
WHY, I'VE BEEN IMPOSSIBLE,
UNBEARABLE, OBNOXIOUS.
WELL, AT LEAST YOU'VE
IDENTIFIED THE PROBLEM.
I CAN'T BE ALLOWED
TO GET AWAY WITH THAT.
SOMEBODY HAS TO
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.
NOT ME.
NOT ANYMORE.
WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE ME?
RIGHT WHERE YOU BELONG.
ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET.
BUT I MAKE SO MANY MISTAKES.
SHE'S GOT A POINT THERE.
WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.
SOMETIMES IT HURTS.
BUT THAT'S HOW WE GROW.
BLAIR, I'M HERE
IF YOU EVER NEED ANYONE
TO BOUNCE THINGS OFF OF.
EH, YOU ALL BETTER
GET DOWNSTAIRS.
ACCORDING TO MY SCHEDULE,
I'VE GOT THE AFTERNOON OFF.
MRS. GARRETT.
IF I HAD DONE ALL
THOSE THINGS BLAIR DID,
I'D BE GROUNDED
FOR A MONTH, RIGHT?
FOREVER.
SO, IN FACT, THERE ARE
TWO SETS OF BEHAVIOR
THAT'S CONSIDERED
ACCEPTABLE AROUND HERE.
YOU MEAN TWO SETS OF RULES?
YES, THERE ARE.
BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR.
TOOTIE, YOU'RE 16 YEARS OLD
AND A JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL.
BLAIR'S A 20-YEAR-OLD
COLLEGE SOPHOMORE.
IT'S FAIR.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS?
UP TO A POINT.
THIS IS GONNA BE A
VERY DIFFICULT YEAR.
WE ARE FOUR INDIVIDUAL
INDIVIDUALS WITH INDIVIDUAL PROBLEMS.
MINE, OF COURSE, SEEM
TO BE TOTALLY IGNORED.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING? YOU'RE
GOING TO HAVE YOUR HANDS FULL.
♪ YOU'LL AVOID A LOT OF DAMAGE ♪
♪ AND ENJOY THE FUN OF
MANAGING THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪
♪ IF YOU HEAR 'EM
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪
♪ BETTER CLEAR 'EM
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪
♪ BETTER GET 'EM RIGHT
CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU GOT THE FUTURE IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HANDS ♪
♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO
TO GET YOU THROUGH ♪
♪ IS UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'D
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪
♪ YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT
THROUGH WITHOUT THE TRUTH ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ LEARNING THE
FACTS OF LIFE... ♪♪