The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 6, Episode 14 - Me and Eleanor - full transcript
Tootie portrays Eleanor Roosevelt in a play.
♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪
♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪
♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪
THANK YOU, MRS. PICKERING.
YOU WON'T REGRET IT.
YA-HOO! I GOT IT.
I ACTUALLY GOT IT!
THAT'S GREAT, MRS. G.
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
IT'S THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
WHAT DID SHE GET?
THE CONTRACT FOR THE
AFTER-THEATER PARTY.
SHE WAS THE LOWEST BIDDER.
THAT'S WONDERFUL, MRS. GARRETT.
ONE LOUSY PARTY.
IT'S THE THEATER AWARDS PARTY.
ALL THE RIGHT PEOPLE
ARE GONNA BE THERE.
AND IF THEY LIKE THE
FOOD, THEY'LL COME BACK,
WHICH MEANS A LOT MORE BUSINESS.
THIS IS THE THIRD
TIME I'VE TRIED FOR IT.
EVERY YEAR, BEVERLY'S
BISTRO UNDERBID ME.
BUT THIS TIME, I GOT SMART.
SHE CAME TO ME.
OH, I HOPE I CAN HOLD
ALL THOSE PEOPLE HERE.
AND I'M GONNA
NEED A LOT OF HELP.
YOU CAN COUNT ON ME, MRS. G.
I'LL GIVE YOU A HAND.
AND YOU CERTAINLY
HAVE MY BEST WISHES.
WELL, I'M INVOLVED IN THIS
THEATER AWARDS THING, TOO.
YOU KNOW, EVERY YEAR
TOOTIE ENTERS THE CONTEST.
AND LIKE IT OR NOT, I HAVE
TO WRITE A PLAY FOR HER.
IT'S AN IMPOSITION,
BUT WHAT CAN I DO?
WELL, YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO HIRE SOMEONE
TO DO THE HEAVY WORK, MRS. G.
WE CAN'T CARRY THOSE
BIG BOXES AND THE CHINA...
WELL, IF I DO, I'LL NEED SOMEONE
YOUNG, EAGER TO WORKING...
WAIT, I'M WRITING THIS DOWN.
AND HE'S GOTTA BE
STRONG... OH, I HAVE IT.
HI, EVERYBODY!
HI, TOOT.
OH, NATALIE, ARE THINGS
GETTING THAT BAD?
I'LL PUT THIS IN THE WINDOW.
ALL RIGHT, NOW WE HAVE TO
PLAN FOR THIS THEATER PARTY.
NOW WHAT KIND OF HORS D'OEUVRES
DO YOU THINK
THEATER PEOPLE LIKE?
POPCORN?
TOOTIE, I HAVE TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT THE PLAY.
I HAVE A GREAT
IDEA FOR THIS YEAR.
OUR MISTAKE IN THE
PAST HAS BEEN GOING
WITH THE TRADITIONAL
ONE-WOMAN SHOW.
YOU'RE GONNA
LOVE THIS. PICTURE IT.
THE CURTAIN PARTS,
THE LIGHT COMES UP,
THERE'S A BARREL ONSTAGE.
THEN WE HEAR YOUR VOICE...
"HELP ME, I'M INSIDE A BARREL.
SOMEBODY, PLEASE LET ME OUT."
AND?
NOBODY DOES!
I'M IN A BARREL FOR
THE WHOLE PLAY?
ISN'T IT GREAT?
NO ONE WILL SEE ME.
THEY WON'T EVEN
KNOW I'M IN THERE.
OH, SURE THEY WILL.
YOU'RE TALKING THROUGH
THE WHOLE THING.
ONE MONOLOGUE ABOUT HOW
YOU'D LIKE TO GET OUT OF THE BARREL
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW.
YOU PRAY, YOU
CURSE, YOU STRUGGLE.
THEN FINALLY, YOU TIP OVER
AND ROLL INTO THE ORCHESTRA PIT.
WE'RE GOING WHERE NO
BARREL HAS GONE BEFORE?
DO I DETECT A NOTE OF SARCASM?
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE IN A BARREL?
IT'S A METAPHOR.
FOR WHAT? LIFE.
LIFE IS A BARREL?
AND YOU CAN'T GET OUT.
EVER?
IT'S EXPERIMENTAL,
IT'S AVANT-GARDE,
LIKE IONESCO'S RHINOCEROS.
I'M CALLING IT
TOOTIE'S IN A BARREL.
LOOK, NATALIE...
OH, COME ON, COME
ON, LET'S GO GET A DRINK
AND I'LL TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT.
IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.
CAN I HELP YOU?
WHO DO I SEE ABOUT
THE "MAN WANTED" JOB?
UM, WELL, MRS. GARRETT, BUT...
I THINK SHE WAS LOOKING
FOR SOMEONE, UH...
WELL, SOMEONE...
BIGGER. IN A WORD.
MY MOTHER SAYS THAT ANY DAY
NOW I'M GONNA SHOOT RIGHT UP.
WHEN WOULD I HAVE TO START?
UH, LET ME TAKE YOUR NAME.
ANDREW MOFFETT.
I'M A VERY QUICK LEARNER.
I'M ANXIOUS TO WORK.
I'LL DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.
WELL, GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER.
YOU GOT IT.
555-9027.
AND MAY I COMPLIMENT
YOU ON YOUR HANDWRITING?
YOU MAY, BUT IT
WON'T GET YOU THE JOB.
I'M A DESPERATE MAN. I
REALLY NEED THIS JOB.
OH, I SEE, YOUR
MOM'S ON HER OWN,
TRYING TO SUPPORT THE FAMILY
AND YOU'RE HELPING HER OUT?
I'M SAVING UP FOR MY FIRST DATE.
LET'S GO SEE MRS. GARRETT.
HI. HELLO.
OKAY, TOOTIE, WHAT ARE
YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?
NATALIE, I ENTER THIS THEATER
COMPETITION EVERY YEAR.
AND EVERY YEAR YOU
WRITE SOMETHING FOR ME.
HEY, I'M YOUR FRIEND.
AND EVERY YEAR I LOSE.
AND I'VE NEVER BLAMED YOU.
WELL, THIS YEAR I WAS THINKING
OF WRITING MY OWN PLAY.
YOU DON'T KNOW MY SOUL.
BY WRITING IT MYSELF,
THE OUTER ME WILL BE ABLE
TO WORK WITH THE INNER ME.
WHICH ONE'S GOING TO TYPE?
I'VE HURT YOUR
FEELINGS, HAVEN'T I?
NO, TOOTIE.
IF YOU WANT TO WRITE YOUR
OWN PLAY, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
IT MEANS A LOT LESS WORK FOR ME.
AND YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
YOU DO KNOW YOURSELF
BETTER THAN ANYONE.
I'D SAY GIVE IT A SHOT.
THANKS, NAT. YOU'RE TERRIFIC.
I BETTER GO GET STARTED.
OKAY.
SHE'LL BE LAUGHED OFF THE STAGE.
10 POUNDS OF SHORTENING,
20 POUNDS OF ONIONS,
50 POUNDS OF POTATOES.
OH, I HOPE ANDY CAN CARRY
ALL THAT IN FROM THE CAR.
ANDY? LITTLE ANDY?
HE INSISTED ON DOING
IT ALL BY HIMSELF.
LET ME DO SOMETHING.
HOLDING THE DOOR IS SOMETHING.
PEOPLE WHO HOLD DOORS
ARE IMPORTANT, TOO.
BUT YOU'RE DOING MY JOB.
OH, DON'T BE SILLY.
WE'RE JUST HELPING OUT A LITTLE.
CAN I PUT THIS
DOWN BEFORE I DIE?
LET ME HELP YOU.
WAIT! JUST A SECOND HERE.
NOBODY'S HELPING
ANYBODY DO MY JOB.
MRS. GARRETT, YOU'RE PAYING
ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIS.
NOT GREAT MONEY, BUT GOOD MONEY.
I WANT TO EARN YOUR
RESPECT AND IF I START...
ANDY. YES?
TAKE THE BOX.
WAIT, OKAY.
AND NOW THE POTATOES.
OH, COME ON, ANDY, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING TO US.
I DON'T MEAN TO
CONTRADICT YOU, MISS,
BUT WHEN YOU'RE MY SIZE,
YOU HAVE TO PROVE
EVERYTHING TO EVERYBODY.
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
COULD SOMEBODY TURN ME AROUND?
CAREFUL.
SURE YOU GOT IT? YEAH.
HE CALLS ME "MISS."
WHAT A GREAT KID.
I THINK HE'S GONNA
WORK OUT JUST FINE.
REMEMBER, HE'S ONLY HERE
UNTIL THE THEATER PARTY.
AFTER THAT, WELL...
I'LL JUST HAVE TO SEE.
IS THIS YOUR CONTRACT
FOR THE THEATER PARTY?
YEAH, IT JUST CAME IN THE
MAIL. I CHECKED IT ALL OVER.
100 PASTRIES AT 50 CENTS APIECE?
MRS. G., IT COSTS YOU MORE
THAN THAT TO MAKE THEM.
JO, THERE IS AN ART TO BIDDING.
YOU PURPOSELY LOSE
MONEY ON SOME ITEMS
'CAUSE YOU KNOW YOU'RE
GONNA MAKE IT UP ON OTHERS.
RIGHT, MRS. GARRETT?
IT SAYS 50 CENTS.
THAT'S JUST ONE ITEM.
HORS D'OEUVRES, NO CHARGE.
CHEESE AND CRACKERS, NO CHARGE.
COFFEE, NO CHARGE.
SUDDENLY IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
WE MAKE IT UP ON THE CHAMPAGNE.
WE MAKE IT UP ON THE CHAMPAGNE.
WHAT IF THEY DON'T DRINK?
WHAT IF THEY DON'T DRINK?
THESE ARE THEATER PEOPLE.
BESIDES, WE HAVE
OUR ACE IN THE HOLE.
DON'T TELL ME, YOU'RE
GONNA CHARGE FOR NAPKINS?
A DOLLAR EACH.
I DON'T FEEL RIGHT ABOUT THAT.
THEY ONLY COST US A NICKEL.
MRS. GARRETT, LET ME
GIVE YOU A LITTLE ADVICE
ABOUT HOW TO RUN A BUSINESS.
FIRST OF ALL, NEVER QUESTION ME.
NATALIE, IT'S FINISHED!
I FINISHED THE PLAY.
A WHOLE PLAY IN A
WEEK? THAT'S FAST.
I JUST GOT ON A ROLL AND
THE WORDS SPILLED OUT.
I GUESS IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE SUCH
A CONNECTION WITH THE SUBJECT.
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT.
YOU'RE PLAYING
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT?
TOOTIE, COME HERE.
HOW I CAN SAY THIS?
TOOTIE, YOU'RE BLACK.
THAT DOESN'T COME AS
A GREAT SHOCK, NATALIE.
I KNOW IT'S A STRETCH FOR ME,
BUT I WANT TO SHOW THE
JUDGES THAT I'M VERSATILE.
FIVE MINUTES INTO THE PLAY, THEY'LL
FORGET THEY'RE WATCHING A BLACK ACTRESS,
AND ALL THEY'LL SEE
IS ELEANOR ROOSEVELT.
OKAY, WHY NOT?
SO YOU'LL READ IT FOR ME?
I LOVE IT, BUT I WANT TO MAKE
SURE I'M NOT TOO CLOSE TO IT.
OOH, I'LL DO THAT.
I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU
DON'T MISS ANY GOOD PARTS.
IF THEY'RE GOOD,
I WON'T MISS THEM.
I DON'T LIKE TO TAKE CHANCES.
I'M GONNA READ
THIS IN THE BEDROOM.
ALONE, TOOTIE.
ALL RIGHT, HORS
D'OEUVRE NUMBER ONE.
(COUGHING)
CHAMPAGNE, NAPKIN, $1.95.
HAVE YOU SEEN TOOTIE?
SHE'S NOT IN HERE.
WELL, GOOD.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'VE BEEN HIDING
FROM HER ALL DAY.
SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT
I THOUGHT ABOUT HER PLAY.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER?
'CAUSE IT WAS BAD.
WORSE THAN BAD.
HOW BAD COULD IT BE?
REMEMBER THAT PLAY I
WROTE IN THE SEVENTH GRADE
ABOUT THE COWBOY
ON THE LUSITANIA?
IT WAS VERY NICE.
IT'S WORSE THAN THAT.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
SIMPLE, TELL HER YOU LOVED IT.
SHE CAN'T LIE TO HER.
IF YOU TELL HER IT'S
AWFUL, IT'LL CRUSH HER.
PEOPLE ASK FOR THE TRUTH,
THEN YOU TELL
THEM WHAT YOU THINK
AND THEY HATE YOU FOR IT.
AS RIDICULOUS AS IT MAY SOUND,
A BOY ONCE TOLD ME
MY NOSE WAS TOO SHORT.
I STILL CARRY THAT ANGUISH.
TELL HER YOU
HAVEN'T READ IT YET.
THAT'LL GET YOU OFF THE HOOK
UNTIL YOU CAN THINK OF
SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY.
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO LEVEL WITH HER.
TELL HER YOU'RE HAVING
SOME PROBLEMS WITH IT,
BUT THEN TRY AND FIND SOME
POSITIVE THINGS TO SAY ABOUT IT, TOO.
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
(TOOTIE) I THINK I
FOUND MY COSTUME!
OH, NATALIE, THERE YOU ARE.
HI, TOOTIE, BIG RUSH.
NO TIME TO TALK.
VERY IMPORTANT. BYE.
WAIT A MINUTE!
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF MY PLAY?
I CANNOT WAIT
ANOTHER MINUTE LONGER.
I WANT YOU TO TELL
ME EVERYTHING.
LET'S SIT DOWN HERE AND TALK.
TOOTIE, I HAVE SOMETHING
TO TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR PLAY.
AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE IT.
I ACCIDENTALLY
MAILED IT TO CANADA.
OH, THAT'S OKAY.
HERE, I'VE GOT A COPY.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA
TELL ME YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT.
OKAY, TELL ME ALL YOUR
THOUGHTS AND REACTIONS, GO.
WELL... (COUGHING)
WELL, UM... LOVED THE PLOT.
WHAT PLOT?
I LOVED THE FACT
THAT IT WASN'T OBVIOUS.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PLAYS HIT
YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH THE PLOT.
PLOT THIS, PLOT THAT.
BY NOT HAVING ONE,
YOU'VE AVOIDED ALL THAT.
OH, WELL, WHAT ELSE?
THE TITLE. OH, THE BEST.
IT COMMUNICATES, IT'S POWERFUL,
IT'S CENTERED ON THE PAGE.
I THINK WE CAN PICK IT UP
FROM THERE TOMORROW.
NATALIE, IS THERE
ANYTHING YOU DIDN'T LIKE?
TOOTIE, I'M GONNA
TELL YOU THE TRUTH
BECAUSE I RESPECT YOU AND I
THINK YOU'RE BIG ENOUGH TO TAKE IT.
NATALIE, I NEED YOUR INSIGHT.
I KNOW THAT YOU CAN
BE FAIR AND OBJECTIVE.
OKAY.
UH, I GUESS THE BEST
PLACE TO START IS...
OH, I DON'T KNOW... PAGE ONE.
WHAT?
SOME OF THE DIALOGUE
NEEDS POLISHING,
LIKE THE FIRST LINE.
WHAT ABOUT IT?
I HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM
WITH ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
SAYING, "HOWDY, PARTNERS."
SHE'S SPEAKING TO A GROUP
OF STRIFE-TORN
MIDWESTERN FARMERS.
SHE'D TALK TO THEM
IN THEIR LANGUAGE.
SHE WAS A WOMAN OF THE PEOPLE.
OKAY.
LET'S SEE, WAS
THERE ANYTHING ELSE?
AH, YES, THE SECOND LINE.
WHAT?
YOU HAVE HER SAYING,
"A VOTE FOR MY HUSBAND
IS A VOTE FOR YOU."
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
"TWO VOTES FOR MY HUSBAND
ARE TWO VOTES FOR YOU."
SHE'S MAKING A POINT.
"THREE VOTES FOR MY HUSBAND..."
I KNOW THE PLAY, NATALIE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT TO ME.
WHAT ELSE?
WELL, THEN THERE'S THE PART
WHERE SHE SAYS
FRANKLIN GOT HIS IDEA
FOR THE NEW DEAL
WHILE PLAYING POKER.
A HUMOROUS ANECDOTE.
"HE THOUGHT THE SECRETARY
OF STATE WAS CHEATING
SO HE SAID, WHAT WE
NEED IS A NEW DEAL."
I GET THE IDEA THAT
YOU DON'T LIKE MY PLAY.
IT JUST NEEDS SOME WORK...
THE DIALOGUE IS STILTED,
THE SCENES ARE OVERWRITTEN,
AND I DON'T BELIEVE
YOUR CHARACTER.
I SEE.
YOU WANTED ME TO BE HONEST.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR HONESTY.
IT'S JUST MY OPINION.
OH, AND I APPRECIATE IT.
I KNOW YOU WON'T MIND
IF I GET SOME OTHER ONES.
OF COURSE NOT.
THEN I'LL GIVE COPIES
TO BLAIR AND JO
AND SEE WHAT THEY THINK.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.
COME ON, TOOTIE.
FINE, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
THANK YOU.
MY PLEASURE.
THANK YOU.
ANY TIME.
THANK YOU.
THIS HAS TO STOP!
WHAT'S THAT, NATALIE?
YOU'RE ANGRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M
ENDEAVORING TO GET TO THE OVEN.
SEE? SEE WHAT
YOU'RE DOING TO ME?
I CAN'T STAND ALL
THIS FORMALITY!
I'M JUST DOING MY BEST TO
USE THE LANGUAGE PROPERLY.
I KNOW HOW YOU
HATE BAD DIALOGUE.
TOOTIE, IF YOU DIDN'T
WANT MY OPINION,
WHY DID YOU ASK FOR IT?
BECAUSE I THOUGHT
YOU COULD BE OBJECTIVE.
YOUR PLAY NEEDS A LITTLE WORK,
A WORD CHANGED HERE OR THERE.
LISTEN, I'LL POLISH
IT UP FOR YOU.
YOU CAN JUDGE FOR YOURSELF.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE
TO GIVE ME CREDIT.
OH, I'D WANT TO GIVE YOU CREDIT.
AFTER ALL, YOU'D
BE SAVING MY PLAY.
COME ON, TOOTIE, I
WOULDN'T BE SAVING IT.
IT WOULD BE A LOT BETTER.
WELL, IF YOU WANT
TO SAY I'M SAVING IT...
YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS?
YOU'RE JEALOUS.
WHAT?
YOU CAN'T STAND THE FACT
THAT I WROTE A TERRIFIC PLAY
AND YOU HAD
NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
AND NOW YOU'RE TRYING
TO CHANGE A FEW WORDS
AND PUT YOUR NAME ON IT.
OH, DID I SAY "CHANGE
A FEW WORDS"?
I MEAN LEAVE A FEW
WORDS LIKE "THE END."
OH, I'M SO SORRY.
OH, LET ME.
NO, I'LL DO IT MYSELF.
YOU WANNA TAKE ONE OF THESE?
BLAIR, WHAT DID
YOU THINK OF MY...
LOVED IT.
HAVEN'T READ IT.
I'M JUST A KID.
LOVED IT, HUH? COULD YOU
BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC?
WELL, SPECIFICALLY, I'D
SAY I LOVED THE OPENING,
THE ENDING, AND
EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN.
THANK YOU.
IT'S NICE TO KNOW THAT SOME
PEOPLE CAN BE OBJECTIVE.
HEY, I WAS THINKING,
IF YOU'RE GONNA BE USING A SET,
I'D LOVE TO BUILD IT FOR YOU.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD DO THAT.
HEY, I'M A RENAISSANCE KID.
THANKS A LOT, GUYS.
WHAT ELSE COULD WE DO?
YOU COULD'VE BACKED ME UP.
WELL, WE TRIED TO WARN YOU.
YOU TOLD HER SOMETHING
SHE DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
MAY, 1940, SOMEWHERE
IN WEST VIRGINIA.
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT SPEAKS.
(CLEARS THROAT)
HELLO, ALL YOU COAL
MINERS DOWN THERE.
I KNOW IT'S COLD.
I KNOW IT'S DARK.
BUT THAT IS WHY YOU
HAVE THOSE LITTLE LIGHTS
ON YOUR HATS.
FRANKLIN AND I...
AUTHOR! AUTHOR!
NATALIE, THE
COMPETITION IS TONIGHT.
AND I NEED TIME TO REHEARSE.
TOOTIE, I HAVE
SOMETHING TO TELL YOU
AND I WANT TO JUST COME
RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT...
I WAS WRONG.
YOU WERE WHAT?
I WANTED TO BE ABSOLUTELY
FAIR, SO I READ YOUR PLAY AGAIN.
AND YOU LIKED IT?
I MUST'VE BEEN BLIND.
YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
I MUST HAVE BEEN IN A BAD MOOD
WHEN I READ IT
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
WELL, YOU KNOW I WAS.
I GOT UP, IT WAS CLOUDY,
JANE PAULEY WAS ON VACATION.
BUT NOW?
I LOVE IT.
I GUESS FOR A FIRST
PLAY IT'S NOT BAD.
IT TAKES A BIG PERSON TO
ADMIT THAT SHE'S WRONG.
ELEANOR WOULD BE PROUD.
I HOPE SO.
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT...
I FOUND THESE ON THE DRYER.
ANYONE WANT TO CLAIM THEM?
OH, YEAH, THOSE ARE MY COSTUMES.
NATALIE, I NEED
YOUR ADVICE ON THIS.
ADVICE?
WHICH ONE DO YOU LIKE BEST?
IT'S A TOUGH CHOICE.
MRS. GARRETT?
WELL, TOOTIE, DON'T YOU
THINK THEY'RE A LITTLE LOUD?
I MEAN, ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
WAS A VERY DIGNIFIED WOMAN.
SOMEHOW I CAN'T PICTURE
HER ADDRESSING THE U.N.
IN ONE OF THESE.
THANKS, MRS. GARRETT.
I'LL CONSIDER THAT.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
SHE'S NOT THEATER PEOPLE.
TOO TRUE.
OH, ANDY, LET ME HELP YOU.
NO, NO!
THE SET'S FINISHED.
BUT I'M NOT SURE I GOT
THE PERSPECTIVE RIGHT.
OH, I'M... I'M SURE IT'S...
I DID IT ALL MYSELF.
I WANTED TO GIVE IT
A FEELING OF DEPTH
AS IF YOU WERE
STANDING IN ONE END
LOOKING DOWN TOWARD THE OTHER.
NATALIE, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL...
IT DEFINITELY HAS A
LOT OF PERSPECTIVE.
AND IF YOU LIKE PERSPECTIVE...
WELL... IT'S GOT A LOT OF IT.
IT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED.
IT STINKS.
BUT I LOVE IT.
STINKS IN A GOOD WAY.
I LEFT THE TREES ON THE PORCH.
YOU WANNA COME SEE THEM?
THIS IS SO EXCITING.
IT'S ALL COMING TOGETHER.
I MADE AN OAK, I MADE
AN ELM, I MADE A MAPLE...
WHO SAID ONLY GOD
CAN MAKE A TREE?
NATALIE, AM I WRONG,
OR ARE YOU LYING TO TOOTIE?
I'M JUST BEING DIPLOMATIC.
YOU'RE LYING.
NATALIE, TOOTIE DESERVES
TO BE TOLD THE TRUTH.
BUT I CAN'T GO ON
HAVING HER HATE ME.
I NEED HER AS A FRIEND.
AND IF THAT MEANS I
HAVE TO LIE TO HER,
THEN THAT'S WHAT
I'M GONNA HAVE TO DO.
EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO
GO SEE SOME TREES.
HOW'D SHE GET THEM
TO GLOW LIKE THAT?
IT WAS AWFUL!
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
FROM THE PROGRAM,
"TOOTIE RAMSEY IS
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT."
I FELT LIKE WRITING
IN, "NO, YOU'RE NOT!"
HORS D'OEUVRES?
OH.
WONDERFUL FOOD, EDNA.
THIS IS THE BEST THEATER
PARTY WE'VE EVER HAD.
THANK YOU. WE TRIED TO
DO SOMETHING SPECIAL.
CHAMPAGNE? NAPKIN?
CHAMPAGNE? NAPKIN?
CHAMPAGNE? NAPKIN?
HOW YOU DOING?
PRETTY GOOD. SPILLED
A DRINK ON SOMEONE.
TOOK THREE
NAPKINS TO WIPE IT UP.
JUST KEEP TRACK.
IT ALL GOES ON THE BILL.
I DON'T THINK IT'S GONNA STAIN.
CHAMPAGNE? NAPKIN?
HAVE YOU SEEN TOOTIE?
IS SHE AS BAD AS
EVERYONE WAS SAYING?
SHE ROSE ABOVE THE MATERIAL.
OH, POOR TOOTIE,
SHE'S OVER THERE
WHIMPERING IN THE CORNER.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO TALK TO HER.
YEAH, I BETTER.
WAIT JUST A MINUTE.
JUST IN CASE.
ON THE HOUSE.
CHAMPAGNE? NAPKIN?
I KNOW SHE'S ONLY AN AMATEUR.
BUT HONESTLY, DON'T THEY
SCREEN THESE PEOPLE?
PERHAPS SIR WOULD LIKE
A NAPKIN FOR HIS SNOUT?
THERE YOU ARE.
EVERYONE'S LOOKING FOR YOU.
ARE THEY CARRYING EGGS?
THAT'S FUNNY!
HEY, EVERYBODY'S COMMENTING
ON WHAT A TERRIFIC
SENSE OF HUMOR YOU HAVE.
HUH, I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
THEY LAUGHED ALL THE WAY
THROUGH MY DEATH SCENE.
ONE PERSON EVEN CALLED OUT,
"IS SHE STIFF YET?"
THEY'RE A BUNCH OF
BOORS. WHO NEEDS THEM?
OH, THEY WERE RIGHT.
THE PLAY WAS AWFUL, I WAS AWFUL.
I'VE KILLED THEATER
IN PEEKSKILL.
IT WAS THE LIGHTING.
THE LIGHTING WAS THE WORST.
EVERYONE SITTING
AROUND ME WAS SAYING,
"IF ONLY THAT GIRL
HAD GOOD LIGHTING.
BOY, COULD SHE ACT."
NATALIE, IT WASN'T THE LIGHTING.
IT WASN'T THE SETS, IT
WASN'T THE COSTUMES...
DON'T TAKE IT SO HARD.
IT WAS YOU!
IT WAS ME.
SEE, YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
NATALIE, STOP AGREEING WITH ME!
YOU TOLD ME THAT
FLOP WAS A MASTERPIECE.
MY BEST FRIEND, I CAN'T EVEN
RELY ON YOU TO BE HONEST.
I CAN'T WIN HERE.
I TELL YOU IT'S
TERRIBLE, YOU HATE ME.
I TELL YOU IT'S
GREAT, YOU HATE ME.
YOU LET ME GO OUT THERE
AND EMBARRASS MYSELF
IN FRONT OF HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE.
I LET YOU? I DID EVERYTHING
TO TRY AND STOP YOU.
WELL, YOU OBVIOUSLY
DIDN'T DO ENOUGH!
YOU DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR!
YO! CHAMPAGNE? NAPKIN?
ANYONE CAN CRITICIZE
AND WALK AWAY.
YOU SHOULD'VE STUCK WITH ME
EVEN WHEN I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO.
I WAS AFRAID, I DIDN'T WANT
TO JEOPARDIZE OUR FRIENDSHIP
OVER SOME DUMB PLAY!
EXCUSE ME, WOULD YOU
PASS ME THE RUMAKI?
THIS IS A PRIVATE CONVERSATION!
I SHOULDN'T HAVE
LIED TO YOU, OKAY?
BUT YOU HAVE TO BE MORE
WILLING TO LISTEN TO ME.
WELL, IF YOU HADN'T BEEN SO
CONDESCENDING ABOUT IT, MAYBE I...
DO YOU WANT TO WEAR THAT?
I GUESS YOU WERE JUST
SO SURE OF YOURSELF.
YEAH... I USUALLY AM.
MAYBE IF I HAD SAID
IT IN A DIFFERENT WAY.
I STILL WOULD'VE HATED YOU.
DO WE HAVE TO TALK
ABOUT THIS IN PUBLIC?
YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT.
WHEN YOU BECOME FAMOUS,
YOU WON'T HAVE ANY PRIVACY.
THEN YOU'LL REALLY NEED A FRIEND
WHO WILL BE HONEST WITH YOU.
TO ELEANOR.
EXCUSE ME, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU COULD DESIGN A QUICHE
IN THE SHAPE OF
THE STAR OF DAVID.
THE STAR OF DAVID?
YOUR ASSISTANT JUST TOLD ME.
IT'S PERFECT FOR OUR BAR
MITZVAH NEXT SATURDAY.
THE STAR OF DAVID?
WELL, SURE. YES, INDEED.
I'LL SEE YOU AFTER THE
PARTY AND GET THE DETAILS.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
♪ YOU'LL AVOID A LOT OF DAMAGE ♪
♪ AND ENJOY THE FUN OF
MANAGING THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪
♪ IF YOU HEAR 'EM
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪
♪ BETTER CLEAR 'EM
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪
♪ BETTER GET 'EM RIGHT
CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU GOT THE FUTURE IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HAND ♪
♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO
TO GET YOU THROUGH ♪
♪ IS UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'D
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪
♪ YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT
THROUGH WITHOUT THE TRUTH... ♪♪
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪
♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪
♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪
THANK YOU, MRS. PICKERING.
YOU WON'T REGRET IT.
YA-HOO! I GOT IT.
I ACTUALLY GOT IT!
THAT'S GREAT, MRS. G.
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
IT'S THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
WHAT DID SHE GET?
THE CONTRACT FOR THE
AFTER-THEATER PARTY.
SHE WAS THE LOWEST BIDDER.
THAT'S WONDERFUL, MRS. GARRETT.
ONE LOUSY PARTY.
IT'S THE THEATER AWARDS PARTY.
ALL THE RIGHT PEOPLE
ARE GONNA BE THERE.
AND IF THEY LIKE THE
FOOD, THEY'LL COME BACK,
WHICH MEANS A LOT MORE BUSINESS.
THIS IS THE THIRD
TIME I'VE TRIED FOR IT.
EVERY YEAR, BEVERLY'S
BISTRO UNDERBID ME.
BUT THIS TIME, I GOT SMART.
SHE CAME TO ME.
OH, I HOPE I CAN HOLD
ALL THOSE PEOPLE HERE.
AND I'M GONNA
NEED A LOT OF HELP.
YOU CAN COUNT ON ME, MRS. G.
I'LL GIVE YOU A HAND.
AND YOU CERTAINLY
HAVE MY BEST WISHES.
WELL, I'M INVOLVED IN THIS
THEATER AWARDS THING, TOO.
YOU KNOW, EVERY YEAR
TOOTIE ENTERS THE CONTEST.
AND LIKE IT OR NOT, I HAVE
TO WRITE A PLAY FOR HER.
IT'S AN IMPOSITION,
BUT WHAT CAN I DO?
WELL, YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO HIRE SOMEONE
TO DO THE HEAVY WORK, MRS. G.
WE CAN'T CARRY THOSE
BIG BOXES AND THE CHINA...
WELL, IF I DO, I'LL NEED SOMEONE
YOUNG, EAGER TO WORKING...
WAIT, I'M WRITING THIS DOWN.
AND HE'S GOTTA BE
STRONG... OH, I HAVE IT.
HI, EVERYBODY!
HI, TOOT.
OH, NATALIE, ARE THINGS
GETTING THAT BAD?
I'LL PUT THIS IN THE WINDOW.
ALL RIGHT, NOW WE HAVE TO
PLAN FOR THIS THEATER PARTY.
NOW WHAT KIND OF HORS D'OEUVRES
DO YOU THINK
THEATER PEOPLE LIKE?
POPCORN?
TOOTIE, I HAVE TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT THE PLAY.
I HAVE A GREAT
IDEA FOR THIS YEAR.
OUR MISTAKE IN THE
PAST HAS BEEN GOING
WITH THE TRADITIONAL
ONE-WOMAN SHOW.
YOU'RE GONNA
LOVE THIS. PICTURE IT.
THE CURTAIN PARTS,
THE LIGHT COMES UP,
THERE'S A BARREL ONSTAGE.
THEN WE HEAR YOUR VOICE...
"HELP ME, I'M INSIDE A BARREL.
SOMEBODY, PLEASE LET ME OUT."
AND?
NOBODY DOES!
I'M IN A BARREL FOR
THE WHOLE PLAY?
ISN'T IT GREAT?
NO ONE WILL SEE ME.
THEY WON'T EVEN
KNOW I'M IN THERE.
OH, SURE THEY WILL.
YOU'RE TALKING THROUGH
THE WHOLE THING.
ONE MONOLOGUE ABOUT HOW
YOU'D LIKE TO GET OUT OF THE BARREL
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW.
YOU PRAY, YOU
CURSE, YOU STRUGGLE.
THEN FINALLY, YOU TIP OVER
AND ROLL INTO THE ORCHESTRA PIT.
WE'RE GOING WHERE NO
BARREL HAS GONE BEFORE?
DO I DETECT A NOTE OF SARCASM?
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE IN A BARREL?
IT'S A METAPHOR.
FOR WHAT? LIFE.
LIFE IS A BARREL?
AND YOU CAN'T GET OUT.
EVER?
IT'S EXPERIMENTAL,
IT'S AVANT-GARDE,
LIKE IONESCO'S RHINOCEROS.
I'M CALLING IT
TOOTIE'S IN A BARREL.
LOOK, NATALIE...
OH, COME ON, COME
ON, LET'S GO GET A DRINK
AND I'LL TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT.
IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.
CAN I HELP YOU?
WHO DO I SEE ABOUT
THE "MAN WANTED" JOB?
UM, WELL, MRS. GARRETT, BUT...
I THINK SHE WAS LOOKING
FOR SOMEONE, UH...
WELL, SOMEONE...
BIGGER. IN A WORD.
MY MOTHER SAYS THAT ANY DAY
NOW I'M GONNA SHOOT RIGHT UP.
WHEN WOULD I HAVE TO START?
UH, LET ME TAKE YOUR NAME.
ANDREW MOFFETT.
I'M A VERY QUICK LEARNER.
I'M ANXIOUS TO WORK.
I'LL DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.
WELL, GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER.
YOU GOT IT.
555-9027.
AND MAY I COMPLIMENT
YOU ON YOUR HANDWRITING?
YOU MAY, BUT IT
WON'T GET YOU THE JOB.
I'M A DESPERATE MAN. I
REALLY NEED THIS JOB.
OH, I SEE, YOUR
MOM'S ON HER OWN,
TRYING TO SUPPORT THE FAMILY
AND YOU'RE HELPING HER OUT?
I'M SAVING UP FOR MY FIRST DATE.
LET'S GO SEE MRS. GARRETT.
HI. HELLO.
OKAY, TOOTIE, WHAT ARE
YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?
NATALIE, I ENTER THIS THEATER
COMPETITION EVERY YEAR.
AND EVERY YEAR YOU
WRITE SOMETHING FOR ME.
HEY, I'M YOUR FRIEND.
AND EVERY YEAR I LOSE.
AND I'VE NEVER BLAMED YOU.
WELL, THIS YEAR I WAS THINKING
OF WRITING MY OWN PLAY.
YOU DON'T KNOW MY SOUL.
BY WRITING IT MYSELF,
THE OUTER ME WILL BE ABLE
TO WORK WITH THE INNER ME.
WHICH ONE'S GOING TO TYPE?
I'VE HURT YOUR
FEELINGS, HAVEN'T I?
NO, TOOTIE.
IF YOU WANT TO WRITE YOUR
OWN PLAY, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
IT MEANS A LOT LESS WORK FOR ME.
AND YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
YOU DO KNOW YOURSELF
BETTER THAN ANYONE.
I'D SAY GIVE IT A SHOT.
THANKS, NAT. YOU'RE TERRIFIC.
I BETTER GO GET STARTED.
OKAY.
SHE'LL BE LAUGHED OFF THE STAGE.
10 POUNDS OF SHORTENING,
20 POUNDS OF ONIONS,
50 POUNDS OF POTATOES.
OH, I HOPE ANDY CAN CARRY
ALL THAT IN FROM THE CAR.
ANDY? LITTLE ANDY?
HE INSISTED ON DOING
IT ALL BY HIMSELF.
LET ME DO SOMETHING.
HOLDING THE DOOR IS SOMETHING.
PEOPLE WHO HOLD DOORS
ARE IMPORTANT, TOO.
BUT YOU'RE DOING MY JOB.
OH, DON'T BE SILLY.
WE'RE JUST HELPING OUT A LITTLE.
CAN I PUT THIS
DOWN BEFORE I DIE?
LET ME HELP YOU.
WAIT! JUST A SECOND HERE.
NOBODY'S HELPING
ANYBODY DO MY JOB.
MRS. GARRETT, YOU'RE PAYING
ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIS.
NOT GREAT MONEY, BUT GOOD MONEY.
I WANT TO EARN YOUR
RESPECT AND IF I START...
ANDY. YES?
TAKE THE BOX.
WAIT, OKAY.
AND NOW THE POTATOES.
OH, COME ON, ANDY, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING TO US.
I DON'T MEAN TO
CONTRADICT YOU, MISS,
BUT WHEN YOU'RE MY SIZE,
YOU HAVE TO PROVE
EVERYTHING TO EVERYBODY.
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
COULD SOMEBODY TURN ME AROUND?
CAREFUL.
SURE YOU GOT IT? YEAH.
HE CALLS ME "MISS."
WHAT A GREAT KID.
I THINK HE'S GONNA
WORK OUT JUST FINE.
REMEMBER, HE'S ONLY HERE
UNTIL THE THEATER PARTY.
AFTER THAT, WELL...
I'LL JUST HAVE TO SEE.
IS THIS YOUR CONTRACT
FOR THE THEATER PARTY?
YEAH, IT JUST CAME IN THE
MAIL. I CHECKED IT ALL OVER.
100 PASTRIES AT 50 CENTS APIECE?
MRS. G., IT COSTS YOU MORE
THAN THAT TO MAKE THEM.
JO, THERE IS AN ART TO BIDDING.
YOU PURPOSELY LOSE
MONEY ON SOME ITEMS
'CAUSE YOU KNOW YOU'RE
GONNA MAKE IT UP ON OTHERS.
RIGHT, MRS. GARRETT?
IT SAYS 50 CENTS.
THAT'S JUST ONE ITEM.
HORS D'OEUVRES, NO CHARGE.
CHEESE AND CRACKERS, NO CHARGE.
COFFEE, NO CHARGE.
SUDDENLY IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
WE MAKE IT UP ON THE CHAMPAGNE.
WE MAKE IT UP ON THE CHAMPAGNE.
WHAT IF THEY DON'T DRINK?
WHAT IF THEY DON'T DRINK?
THESE ARE THEATER PEOPLE.
BESIDES, WE HAVE
OUR ACE IN THE HOLE.
DON'T TELL ME, YOU'RE
GONNA CHARGE FOR NAPKINS?
A DOLLAR EACH.
I DON'T FEEL RIGHT ABOUT THAT.
THEY ONLY COST US A NICKEL.
MRS. GARRETT, LET ME
GIVE YOU A LITTLE ADVICE
ABOUT HOW TO RUN A BUSINESS.
FIRST OF ALL, NEVER QUESTION ME.
NATALIE, IT'S FINISHED!
I FINISHED THE PLAY.
A WHOLE PLAY IN A
WEEK? THAT'S FAST.
I JUST GOT ON A ROLL AND
THE WORDS SPILLED OUT.
I GUESS IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE SUCH
A CONNECTION WITH THE SUBJECT.
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT.
YOU'RE PLAYING
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT?
TOOTIE, COME HERE.
HOW I CAN SAY THIS?
TOOTIE, YOU'RE BLACK.
THAT DOESN'T COME AS
A GREAT SHOCK, NATALIE.
I KNOW IT'S A STRETCH FOR ME,
BUT I WANT TO SHOW THE
JUDGES THAT I'M VERSATILE.
FIVE MINUTES INTO THE PLAY, THEY'LL
FORGET THEY'RE WATCHING A BLACK ACTRESS,
AND ALL THEY'LL SEE
IS ELEANOR ROOSEVELT.
OKAY, WHY NOT?
SO YOU'LL READ IT FOR ME?
I LOVE IT, BUT I WANT TO MAKE
SURE I'M NOT TOO CLOSE TO IT.
OOH, I'LL DO THAT.
I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU
DON'T MISS ANY GOOD PARTS.
IF THEY'RE GOOD,
I WON'T MISS THEM.
I DON'T LIKE TO TAKE CHANCES.
I'M GONNA READ
THIS IN THE BEDROOM.
ALONE, TOOTIE.
ALL RIGHT, HORS
D'OEUVRE NUMBER ONE.
(COUGHING)
CHAMPAGNE, NAPKIN, $1.95.
HAVE YOU SEEN TOOTIE?
SHE'S NOT IN HERE.
WELL, GOOD.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'VE BEEN HIDING
FROM HER ALL DAY.
SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT
I THOUGHT ABOUT HER PLAY.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER?
'CAUSE IT WAS BAD.
WORSE THAN BAD.
HOW BAD COULD IT BE?
REMEMBER THAT PLAY I
WROTE IN THE SEVENTH GRADE
ABOUT THE COWBOY
ON THE LUSITANIA?
IT WAS VERY NICE.
IT'S WORSE THAN THAT.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
SIMPLE, TELL HER YOU LOVED IT.
SHE CAN'T LIE TO HER.
IF YOU TELL HER IT'S
AWFUL, IT'LL CRUSH HER.
PEOPLE ASK FOR THE TRUTH,
THEN YOU TELL
THEM WHAT YOU THINK
AND THEY HATE YOU FOR IT.
AS RIDICULOUS AS IT MAY SOUND,
A BOY ONCE TOLD ME
MY NOSE WAS TOO SHORT.
I STILL CARRY THAT ANGUISH.
TELL HER YOU
HAVEN'T READ IT YET.
THAT'LL GET YOU OFF THE HOOK
UNTIL YOU CAN THINK OF
SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY.
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO LEVEL WITH HER.
TELL HER YOU'RE HAVING
SOME PROBLEMS WITH IT,
BUT THEN TRY AND FIND SOME
POSITIVE THINGS TO SAY ABOUT IT, TOO.
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
(TOOTIE) I THINK I
FOUND MY COSTUME!
OH, NATALIE, THERE YOU ARE.
HI, TOOTIE, BIG RUSH.
NO TIME TO TALK.
VERY IMPORTANT. BYE.
WAIT A MINUTE!
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF MY PLAY?
I CANNOT WAIT
ANOTHER MINUTE LONGER.
I WANT YOU TO TELL
ME EVERYTHING.
LET'S SIT DOWN HERE AND TALK.
TOOTIE, I HAVE SOMETHING
TO TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR PLAY.
AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE IT.
I ACCIDENTALLY
MAILED IT TO CANADA.
OH, THAT'S OKAY.
HERE, I'VE GOT A COPY.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA
TELL ME YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT.
OKAY, TELL ME ALL YOUR
THOUGHTS AND REACTIONS, GO.
WELL... (COUGHING)
WELL, UM... LOVED THE PLOT.
WHAT PLOT?
I LOVED THE FACT
THAT IT WASN'T OBVIOUS.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PLAYS HIT
YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH THE PLOT.
PLOT THIS, PLOT THAT.
BY NOT HAVING ONE,
YOU'VE AVOIDED ALL THAT.
OH, WELL, WHAT ELSE?
THE TITLE. OH, THE BEST.
IT COMMUNICATES, IT'S POWERFUL,
IT'S CENTERED ON THE PAGE.
I THINK WE CAN PICK IT UP
FROM THERE TOMORROW.
NATALIE, IS THERE
ANYTHING YOU DIDN'T LIKE?
TOOTIE, I'M GONNA
TELL YOU THE TRUTH
BECAUSE I RESPECT YOU AND I
THINK YOU'RE BIG ENOUGH TO TAKE IT.
NATALIE, I NEED YOUR INSIGHT.
I KNOW THAT YOU CAN
BE FAIR AND OBJECTIVE.
OKAY.
UH, I GUESS THE BEST
PLACE TO START IS...
OH, I DON'T KNOW... PAGE ONE.
WHAT?
SOME OF THE DIALOGUE
NEEDS POLISHING,
LIKE THE FIRST LINE.
WHAT ABOUT IT?
I HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM
WITH ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
SAYING, "HOWDY, PARTNERS."
SHE'S SPEAKING TO A GROUP
OF STRIFE-TORN
MIDWESTERN FARMERS.
SHE'D TALK TO THEM
IN THEIR LANGUAGE.
SHE WAS A WOMAN OF THE PEOPLE.
OKAY.
LET'S SEE, WAS
THERE ANYTHING ELSE?
AH, YES, THE SECOND LINE.
WHAT?
YOU HAVE HER SAYING,
"A VOTE FOR MY HUSBAND
IS A VOTE FOR YOU."
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
"TWO VOTES FOR MY HUSBAND
ARE TWO VOTES FOR YOU."
SHE'S MAKING A POINT.
"THREE VOTES FOR MY HUSBAND..."
I KNOW THE PLAY, NATALIE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT TO ME.
WHAT ELSE?
WELL, THEN THERE'S THE PART
WHERE SHE SAYS
FRANKLIN GOT HIS IDEA
FOR THE NEW DEAL
WHILE PLAYING POKER.
A HUMOROUS ANECDOTE.
"HE THOUGHT THE SECRETARY
OF STATE WAS CHEATING
SO HE SAID, WHAT WE
NEED IS A NEW DEAL."
I GET THE IDEA THAT
YOU DON'T LIKE MY PLAY.
IT JUST NEEDS SOME WORK...
THE DIALOGUE IS STILTED,
THE SCENES ARE OVERWRITTEN,
AND I DON'T BELIEVE
YOUR CHARACTER.
I SEE.
YOU WANTED ME TO BE HONEST.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR HONESTY.
IT'S JUST MY OPINION.
OH, AND I APPRECIATE IT.
I KNOW YOU WON'T MIND
IF I GET SOME OTHER ONES.
OF COURSE NOT.
THEN I'LL GIVE COPIES
TO BLAIR AND JO
AND SEE WHAT THEY THINK.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.
COME ON, TOOTIE.
FINE, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
THANK YOU.
MY PLEASURE.
THANK YOU.
ANY TIME.
THANK YOU.
THIS HAS TO STOP!
WHAT'S THAT, NATALIE?
YOU'RE ANGRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M
ENDEAVORING TO GET TO THE OVEN.
SEE? SEE WHAT
YOU'RE DOING TO ME?
I CAN'T STAND ALL
THIS FORMALITY!
I'M JUST DOING MY BEST TO
USE THE LANGUAGE PROPERLY.
I KNOW HOW YOU
HATE BAD DIALOGUE.
TOOTIE, IF YOU DIDN'T
WANT MY OPINION,
WHY DID YOU ASK FOR IT?
BECAUSE I THOUGHT
YOU COULD BE OBJECTIVE.
YOUR PLAY NEEDS A LITTLE WORK,
A WORD CHANGED HERE OR THERE.
LISTEN, I'LL POLISH
IT UP FOR YOU.
YOU CAN JUDGE FOR YOURSELF.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE
TO GIVE ME CREDIT.
OH, I'D WANT TO GIVE YOU CREDIT.
AFTER ALL, YOU'D
BE SAVING MY PLAY.
COME ON, TOOTIE, I
WOULDN'T BE SAVING IT.
IT WOULD BE A LOT BETTER.
WELL, IF YOU WANT
TO SAY I'M SAVING IT...
YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS?
YOU'RE JEALOUS.
WHAT?
YOU CAN'T STAND THE FACT
THAT I WROTE A TERRIFIC PLAY
AND YOU HAD
NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
AND NOW YOU'RE TRYING
TO CHANGE A FEW WORDS
AND PUT YOUR NAME ON IT.
OH, DID I SAY "CHANGE
A FEW WORDS"?
I MEAN LEAVE A FEW
WORDS LIKE "THE END."
OH, I'M SO SORRY.
OH, LET ME.
NO, I'LL DO IT MYSELF.
YOU WANNA TAKE ONE OF THESE?
BLAIR, WHAT DID
YOU THINK OF MY...
LOVED IT.
HAVEN'T READ IT.
I'M JUST A KID.
LOVED IT, HUH? COULD YOU
BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC?
WELL, SPECIFICALLY, I'D
SAY I LOVED THE OPENING,
THE ENDING, AND
EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN.
THANK YOU.
IT'S NICE TO KNOW THAT SOME
PEOPLE CAN BE OBJECTIVE.
HEY, I WAS THINKING,
IF YOU'RE GONNA BE USING A SET,
I'D LOVE TO BUILD IT FOR YOU.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD DO THAT.
HEY, I'M A RENAISSANCE KID.
THANKS A LOT, GUYS.
WHAT ELSE COULD WE DO?
YOU COULD'VE BACKED ME UP.
WELL, WE TRIED TO WARN YOU.
YOU TOLD HER SOMETHING
SHE DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
MAY, 1940, SOMEWHERE
IN WEST VIRGINIA.
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT SPEAKS.
(CLEARS THROAT)
HELLO, ALL YOU COAL
MINERS DOWN THERE.
I KNOW IT'S COLD.
I KNOW IT'S DARK.
BUT THAT IS WHY YOU
HAVE THOSE LITTLE LIGHTS
ON YOUR HATS.
FRANKLIN AND I...
AUTHOR! AUTHOR!
NATALIE, THE
COMPETITION IS TONIGHT.
AND I NEED TIME TO REHEARSE.
TOOTIE, I HAVE
SOMETHING TO TELL YOU
AND I WANT TO JUST COME
RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT...
I WAS WRONG.
YOU WERE WHAT?
I WANTED TO BE ABSOLUTELY
FAIR, SO I READ YOUR PLAY AGAIN.
AND YOU LIKED IT?
I MUST'VE BEEN BLIND.
YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
I MUST HAVE BEEN IN A BAD MOOD
WHEN I READ IT
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
WELL, YOU KNOW I WAS.
I GOT UP, IT WAS CLOUDY,
JANE PAULEY WAS ON VACATION.
BUT NOW?
I LOVE IT.
I GUESS FOR A FIRST
PLAY IT'S NOT BAD.
IT TAKES A BIG PERSON TO
ADMIT THAT SHE'S WRONG.
ELEANOR WOULD BE PROUD.
I HOPE SO.
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT...
I FOUND THESE ON THE DRYER.
ANYONE WANT TO CLAIM THEM?
OH, YEAH, THOSE ARE MY COSTUMES.
NATALIE, I NEED
YOUR ADVICE ON THIS.
ADVICE?
WHICH ONE DO YOU LIKE BEST?
IT'S A TOUGH CHOICE.
MRS. GARRETT?
WELL, TOOTIE, DON'T YOU
THINK THEY'RE A LITTLE LOUD?
I MEAN, ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
WAS A VERY DIGNIFIED WOMAN.
SOMEHOW I CAN'T PICTURE
HER ADDRESSING THE U.N.
IN ONE OF THESE.
THANKS, MRS. GARRETT.
I'LL CONSIDER THAT.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
SHE'S NOT THEATER PEOPLE.
TOO TRUE.
OH, ANDY, LET ME HELP YOU.
NO, NO!
THE SET'S FINISHED.
BUT I'M NOT SURE I GOT
THE PERSPECTIVE RIGHT.
OH, I'M... I'M SURE IT'S...
I DID IT ALL MYSELF.
I WANTED TO GIVE IT
A FEELING OF DEPTH
AS IF YOU WERE
STANDING IN ONE END
LOOKING DOWN TOWARD THE OTHER.
NATALIE, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL...
IT DEFINITELY HAS A
LOT OF PERSPECTIVE.
AND IF YOU LIKE PERSPECTIVE...
WELL... IT'S GOT A LOT OF IT.
IT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED.
IT STINKS.
BUT I LOVE IT.
STINKS IN A GOOD WAY.
I LEFT THE TREES ON THE PORCH.
YOU WANNA COME SEE THEM?
THIS IS SO EXCITING.
IT'S ALL COMING TOGETHER.
I MADE AN OAK, I MADE
AN ELM, I MADE A MAPLE...
WHO SAID ONLY GOD
CAN MAKE A TREE?
NATALIE, AM I WRONG,
OR ARE YOU LYING TO TOOTIE?
I'M JUST BEING DIPLOMATIC.
YOU'RE LYING.
NATALIE, TOOTIE DESERVES
TO BE TOLD THE TRUTH.
BUT I CAN'T GO ON
HAVING HER HATE ME.
I NEED HER AS A FRIEND.
AND IF THAT MEANS I
HAVE TO LIE TO HER,
THEN THAT'S WHAT
I'M GONNA HAVE TO DO.
EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO
GO SEE SOME TREES.
HOW'D SHE GET THEM
TO GLOW LIKE THAT?
IT WAS AWFUL!
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
FROM THE PROGRAM,
"TOOTIE RAMSEY IS
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT."
I FELT LIKE WRITING
IN, "NO, YOU'RE NOT!"
HORS D'OEUVRES?
OH.
WONDERFUL FOOD, EDNA.
THIS IS THE BEST THEATER
PARTY WE'VE EVER HAD.
THANK YOU. WE TRIED TO
DO SOMETHING SPECIAL.
CHAMPAGNE? NAPKIN?
CHAMPAGNE? NAPKIN?
CHAMPAGNE? NAPKIN?
HOW YOU DOING?
PRETTY GOOD. SPILLED
A DRINK ON SOMEONE.
TOOK THREE
NAPKINS TO WIPE IT UP.
JUST KEEP TRACK.
IT ALL GOES ON THE BILL.
I DON'T THINK IT'S GONNA STAIN.
CHAMPAGNE? NAPKIN?
HAVE YOU SEEN TOOTIE?
IS SHE AS BAD AS
EVERYONE WAS SAYING?
SHE ROSE ABOVE THE MATERIAL.
OH, POOR TOOTIE,
SHE'S OVER THERE
WHIMPERING IN THE CORNER.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO TALK TO HER.
YEAH, I BETTER.
WAIT JUST A MINUTE.
JUST IN CASE.
ON THE HOUSE.
CHAMPAGNE? NAPKIN?
I KNOW SHE'S ONLY AN AMATEUR.
BUT HONESTLY, DON'T THEY
SCREEN THESE PEOPLE?
PERHAPS SIR WOULD LIKE
A NAPKIN FOR HIS SNOUT?
THERE YOU ARE.
EVERYONE'S LOOKING FOR YOU.
ARE THEY CARRYING EGGS?
THAT'S FUNNY!
HEY, EVERYBODY'S COMMENTING
ON WHAT A TERRIFIC
SENSE OF HUMOR YOU HAVE.
HUH, I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
THEY LAUGHED ALL THE WAY
THROUGH MY DEATH SCENE.
ONE PERSON EVEN CALLED OUT,
"IS SHE STIFF YET?"
THEY'RE A BUNCH OF
BOORS. WHO NEEDS THEM?
OH, THEY WERE RIGHT.
THE PLAY WAS AWFUL, I WAS AWFUL.
I'VE KILLED THEATER
IN PEEKSKILL.
IT WAS THE LIGHTING.
THE LIGHTING WAS THE WORST.
EVERYONE SITTING
AROUND ME WAS SAYING,
"IF ONLY THAT GIRL
HAD GOOD LIGHTING.
BOY, COULD SHE ACT."
NATALIE, IT WASN'T THE LIGHTING.
IT WASN'T THE SETS, IT
WASN'T THE COSTUMES...
DON'T TAKE IT SO HARD.
IT WAS YOU!
IT WAS ME.
SEE, YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
NATALIE, STOP AGREEING WITH ME!
YOU TOLD ME THAT
FLOP WAS A MASTERPIECE.
MY BEST FRIEND, I CAN'T EVEN
RELY ON YOU TO BE HONEST.
I CAN'T WIN HERE.
I TELL YOU IT'S
TERRIBLE, YOU HATE ME.
I TELL YOU IT'S
GREAT, YOU HATE ME.
YOU LET ME GO OUT THERE
AND EMBARRASS MYSELF
IN FRONT OF HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE.
I LET YOU? I DID EVERYTHING
TO TRY AND STOP YOU.
WELL, YOU OBVIOUSLY
DIDN'T DO ENOUGH!
YOU DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR!
YO! CHAMPAGNE? NAPKIN?
ANYONE CAN CRITICIZE
AND WALK AWAY.
YOU SHOULD'VE STUCK WITH ME
EVEN WHEN I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO.
I WAS AFRAID, I DIDN'T WANT
TO JEOPARDIZE OUR FRIENDSHIP
OVER SOME DUMB PLAY!
EXCUSE ME, WOULD YOU
PASS ME THE RUMAKI?
THIS IS A PRIVATE CONVERSATION!
I SHOULDN'T HAVE
LIED TO YOU, OKAY?
BUT YOU HAVE TO BE MORE
WILLING TO LISTEN TO ME.
WELL, IF YOU HADN'T BEEN SO
CONDESCENDING ABOUT IT, MAYBE I...
DO YOU WANT TO WEAR THAT?
I GUESS YOU WERE JUST
SO SURE OF YOURSELF.
YEAH... I USUALLY AM.
MAYBE IF I HAD SAID
IT IN A DIFFERENT WAY.
I STILL WOULD'VE HATED YOU.
DO WE HAVE TO TALK
ABOUT THIS IN PUBLIC?
YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT.
WHEN YOU BECOME FAMOUS,
YOU WON'T HAVE ANY PRIVACY.
THEN YOU'LL REALLY NEED A FRIEND
WHO WILL BE HONEST WITH YOU.
TO ELEANOR.
EXCUSE ME, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU COULD DESIGN A QUICHE
IN THE SHAPE OF
THE STAR OF DAVID.
THE STAR OF DAVID?
YOUR ASSISTANT JUST TOLD ME.
IT'S PERFECT FOR OUR BAR
MITZVAH NEXT SATURDAY.
THE STAR OF DAVID?
WELL, SURE. YES, INDEED.
I'LL SEE YOU AFTER THE
PARTY AND GET THE DETAILS.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
♪ YOU'LL AVOID A LOT OF DAMAGE ♪
♪ AND ENJOY THE FUN OF
MANAGING THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪
♪ IF YOU HEAR 'EM
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪
♪ BETTER CLEAR 'EM
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪
♪ BETTER GET 'EM RIGHT
CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU GOT THE FUTURE IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HAND ♪
♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO
TO GET YOU THROUGH ♪
♪ IS UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'D
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪
♪ YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT
THROUGH WITHOUT THE TRUTH... ♪♪