The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 5, Episode 4 - Just My Bill - full transcript
When Jo finds out her new boyfriend is the son of distinguished and wealthy parents, she feels uncomfortable continuing the relationship.
♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪
♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪
♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
THANKS FOR THE MOVIE.
I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT?
I DIDN'T BUT THE
POPCORN WAS GOOD.
BILL, YOU BETTER GO.
OKAY.
BUT FIRST, ONE QUESTION.
AM I DATING A MARRIED WOMAN?
WHAT?
WELL, WE'VE BEEN SEEING
EACH OTHER FOR THREE WEEKS,
AND I STILL HAVEN'T
MET YOUR ROOMMATES.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
I'M HOUSEBROKEN.
I DON'T CHEW FURNITURE.
AND I DON'T CHASE CARS ANYMORE.
AND YOU'RE FUNNY.
YEAH?
WHAT ELSE DO YOU LIKE ABOUT ME?
A LOT.
ESPECIALLY THE FACT
THAT YOU'RE NOT LIKE THE
REST OF THOSE LANGLEY GUYS.
WELL, THANKS. WHAT'S
THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
WELL, YOU'RE NOT PREPPIE.
YOUR JAW MOVES WHEN YOU TALK.
COME ON, THEY'RE ALL EMPTY,
SNOBBY SONS OF MILLIONAIRES.
FACE IT, YOU'RE THE ONLY
NORMAL GUY I'VE MET THERE.
WELL, IF I'M OKAY,
AND YOU'RE OKAY,
IS IT YOUR FRIENDS
THAT ARE WEIRD?
NO. WELL... YEAH...
NOT THE WAY THAT YOU MEAN.
SEE, I LIVE WITH
THE SNOOP SISTERS.
AND LIFE HERE IS LIKE
ONE LONG SHOW AND TELL.
SOMETIMES THAT'S HARD FOR ME.
I'M JUST KIND OF
A PRIVATE PERSON.
I UNDERSTAND.
BESIDES, THEY'D
NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE
IF THEY KNEW I WAS
SEEING SOMEONE I REALLY...
REALLY WHAT?
WELL, YOU KNOW.
SOMEONE I... LUSTED
AFTER IN YOUR HEART?
SOMEONE I LIKE, BILL.
SOMEONE I LIKE A LOT.
I THINK YOU BETTER GO.
OKAY.
DON'T FORGET, WE HAVE A
DINNER DATE TOMORROW NIGHT.
I WON'T FORGET.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT.
BYE.
COME ON, JO, COME TO THE
PEP RALLY WITH ME TONIGHT.
GIMMIE A P-E-P!
GIMMIE A BREAK!
I TOLD YOU, BLAIR,
I'M ALL PEPPED OUT.
ALL YOU DO IS
STUDY, STUDY, STUDY.
YOU'RE MISSING THE
COLLEGE EXPERIENCE.
OH, EXCUSE ME,
I THOUGHT THAT WAS
THE COLLEGE EXPERIENCE.
YOU THINK YOU'RE FOOLING PEOPLE.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO.
SAYING YOU'RE GOING TO
THE LIBRARY EVERY NIGHT.
YOU DO?
YOU'RE HIDING OUT THERE
BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID
OF BEING REJECTED.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
AND YOU HAVE EVERY
RIGHT TO BE AFRAID.
OR YOU USED TO.
BUT YOU'RE NO LONGER A
PSYCHOPATHIC RAGAMUFFIN.
YOU'RE JUST...
ANTISOCIAL AND A LITTLE MESSY.
BUT YOU'VE CHANGED, JO.
YOU SHOULDN'T BE AFRAID
TO MIX WITH YOUR PEERS.
ALL RIGHT. YOU
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
BROWSING?
YOU BROWSE WITH YOUR
EYES, NOT YOUR HANDS.
SON OF A GUN!
THAT MUST'VE FALLEN
RIGHT OFF THE SHELF
AND INTO MY JACKET!
SHE'S STEALING OUR ESCARGOT?
I'M CALLING THE POLICE.
I'LL HANDLE THIS.
YEAH. LET HER HANDLE THIS.
LOOK, I COULD CALL THE COPS,
BUT I WON'T THIS TIME.
WHY NOT?
SHE SAID SHE'D HANDLE IT! OKAY?
LOOK, KID,
I DON'T EVER WANT TO
SEE YOU IN HERE AGAIN.
WAIT A MINUTE! JUST ONE MINUTE.
MARINATED BABY CORN?
IS IT MY FAULT YOU DON'T
HAVE ANY NORMAL FOOD?
LOOK, THERE'S A BUS
COMING DOWN THE STREET
IN TEN MINUTES. BE UNDER IT.
YOU'RE ALL HEART.
YOU SEE, I'M RIGHT, JO.
YOU HAVE CHANGED.
FOUR YEARS AGO,
YOU WOULD'VE PUT THAT
GIRL'S HEAD IN A BLENDER
AND SET IT FOR PUREE.
BUT NOW, YOU SEND HER OUT THERE
TO PLAY IN HEAVY TRAFFIC.
YOU THINK I'M GETTING SOFT?
I THINK YOU'VE BECOME CIVILIZED.
COME ON, JO, IF YOU WON'T DATE,
WILL YOU AT LEAST GO
TO THE PEP RALLY WITH ME?
COME ON, IT'LL BE FUN.
FOR ME.
WHAT ARE YOU GROVELING
ABOUT NOW, BLAIR?
JO IS PRACTICALLY
LIVING AT THE LIBRARY.
IF WE WANT TO SEE HER,
WE HAVE TO LOOK HER
UP IN THE CARD CATALOG
AND CHECK HER OUT.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO BETTER
THAN THAT OLD LIBRARY
STORY WITH US, POLNACZEK.
WHO ARE YOU CALLING POLNACZEK?
YOU, POLNACZEK.
THE LIBRARY CLOSED
AT 10:00 LAST NIGHT.
AND YOU DIDN'T GET
HOME UNTIL MIDNIGHT.
YOU WANT TO MAKE
SOMETHING OF IT?
I ALREADY HAVE.
WHAT IS THAT?
A PIECE OF POPCORN.
IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY,
YOU WILL NOTICE
IT IS THE TYPE COMMONLY
SOLD AT THE MOVIE HOUSES.
SHE FOUND IT IN THE POCKET
OF YOUR GOOD BLAZER.
THE ONE YOU WORE TO
THE LIBRARY LAST NIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
GOING THROUGH MY POCKETS?
HOW ELSE WILL I FIND
OUT WHAT YOU'RE UP TO?
YOU NEVER TELL US ANYTHING!
NOW SPILL IT, WHO'S THE
MAN BEHIND THE POPCORN?
OH, ALL RIGHT. I'LL TELL YOU.
ORVILLE REDENBACHER.
LOOK, JO, IF THERE'S
SOMEONE SPECIAL IN YOUR LIFE,
YOUR FRIENDS DESERVE TO
HEAR A FEW COLD HARD FACTS.
AND LOTS OF JUICY DETAILS.
YOU WANT SOMETHING JUICY, HUH?
YEAH. HOW'S THIS?
COME ON, NAT.
LET'S GO HELP BLAIR.
SHE DOESN'T GET VIOLENT
WHEN YOU ASK HER
A SIMPLE QUESTION.
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
YOU WANT SOMETHING?
HOW ABOUT THIS?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
JUST WANTED TO SAY HELLO.
HELLO AND NOW GOOD-BYE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
HOW ABOUT ANOTHER HELLO TO GO?
BLAIR IS SURE TAKING HER SWEET
TIME OF LOADING THAT DISHWASHER.
SHE'S THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW
WHO LOADS DIRTY DISHES BY COLOR.
TWO CROISSANTS TO
GO COMING RIGHT UP!
HI.
OH, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
BUT I DECIDED TO TAKE
ANOTHER AEROBICS CLASS.
AND I GOT INTO SUCH A RHYTHM
WITH THOSE WAIST TWISTS,
I ALMOST SCREWED
MYSELF INTO THE FLOOR.
HERE YOU GO AND HAVE A NICE DAY.
OH, HI, YOU TWO.
DID YOU ENJOY THE
MOVIE LAST NIGHT?
THE MOVIE?
WHAT MOVIE?
I KNOW IT WON AN
ACADEMY AWARD TOO,
BUT FRANKLY, I WAS BORED.
WERE YOU BORED AT THE MOVIE, JO?
WHAT MOVIE, MRS. G?
I DIDN'T GO TO SEE A MOVIE.
HUH?
OHHH.
I THOUGHT I SAW THIS YOUNG MAN
AT THE MOVIES
LAST NIGHT WITH JO,
BUT I GUESS IT WASN'T HIM.
I GUESS IT WASN'T JO, EITHER.
OH, JO. LISTEN TO HER.
YOU'RE MAKING THIS
WOMAN LIE FOR YOU.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE HER
DO NEXT, CHEAT, STEAL?
WHERE WILL THIS END?
OH, ALL RIGHT, NATALIE, YOU WIN.
EVERYBODY, THIS IS,
UH... MY FRIEND BILL.
FINALLY! A NAME.
NICE TO MEET YOU, BILL.
I'VE HEARD A LOT
ABOUT YOU, ALL OF YOU
OH, WELL, WE'VE HEARD
NOTHING ABOUT YOU.
WATCH OUT FOR THEM.
[RUSSIAN ACCENT] THEY HAVE
WAYS OF MAKING YOU TALK.
I'LL BE DOWN IN A BIT.
SO...
BILL, THAT'S SHORT
FOR WILLIAM, ISN'T IT?
YOU TWO KNOW EACH LONG?
YOU MEET ON CAMPUS?
ANSWER ANY TWO.
LISTEN, JO, ABOUT
DINNER TONIGHT...
OH, YOU'RE TAKING HER
OUT TO DINNER, HUH?
SOUNDS GOOD.
I JUST FOUND OUT
MY PARENTS ARE COMING INTO TOWN.
AND I THOUGHT MAYBE IT
WOULD BE BORING FOR YOU.
NO. I'D LOVE HAVING
DINNER WITH THEM.
GOOD, GOOD. MEET THE PARENTS.
YOU SURE IT'S ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
OKAY, I'M PICKING THEM
UP AT THE TRAIN STATION.
SO WILL YOU MEET US
AT THE LE PETIT MOULON AT 7:30?
7:30 IS PERFECT.
OKAY, SEE YOU THEN?
SURE.
AND LISTEN...
ALL FURTHER MESSAGES
WILL BE SENT IN CODE.
WASN'T THAT BILL SMITH?
HE'S THE GUY JO'S
BEEN SEEING ON THE SLY.
I DON'T BELIEVE...
YOU'RE DATING BILL SMITH?
HE IS THE CATCH OF THE CENTURY!
HE'S JUST A GUY.
SOME GUY.
DON'T YOU KNOW WHO HE IS?
TELL US! NO, WHO IS HE?
PLAIN OLD BILL SMITH
JUST HAPPENS TO BE
WILLIAM OGDEN
SMITH IV, SON OF...
WILLIAM OGDEN SMITH III.
WELL, AT LEAST SOMEONE
HERE READS TOWN AND COUNTRY.
WILLIAM OGDEN SMITH
III IS A MILLIONAIRE...
A MULTIMILLIONAIRE.
HE DIDN'T TELL ME.
JO AND WILLIAM OGDEN SMITH IV.
THIS IS MORE UNBELIEVABLE
THAN A HARLEQUIN ROMANCE.
WAIT, IT GETS BETTER.
JO'S HAVING DINNER WITH
HIS PARENTS TONIGHT.
YOU'RE DINING WITH
AMBASSADOR AND JUSTICE SMITH?
WAIT A MINUTE.
HIS MOTHER IS JUSTICE SMITH?
HE DIDN'T TELL ME.
JO, WHAT DO YOU HAVE
TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?
WHY DIDN'T HE TELL ME?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HE'S THE SON OF A
MILLIONAIRE AMBASSADOR
AND A JUDGE.
THAT DOESN'T SLIP YOUR MIND.
JO, CALM DOWN. WHY?
BECAUSE BLAIR IS HERE.
I'LL ADMIT, YOU ARE
IN OVER YOUR HEAD,
BUT I'LL HELP YOU GET
THROUGH DINNER TONIGHT.
HOW?
I'LL LEND YOU SOME CLOTHES.
I'LL FIX YOUR HAIR.
I'LL GIVE YOU SOME
TIPS ON SMALL TALK.
TRUST ME, I'LL MAKE
YOU BEAUTIFUL.
I'LL MAKE YOU PERFECT.
I'LL MAKE YOU ME.
BLAIR, WHAT'S GOING ON?
[BLAIR] TWO MINUTES.
I'M ALMOST DONE.
I WANT GET TO THE AUCTION
BEFORE THE ANTIQUE MILK CANS GO.
PLEASE, CAN'T WE
WAIT A LITTLE LONGER?
I WANT TO SEE HOW
BLAIR'S MADE JO OVER.
YEAH, BUT SHE'S BEEN
UP THERE ALL AFTERNOON.
MRS. GARRETT, WE'RE TALKING
HEAVY RECONSTRUCTION.
WELL, IT'S OVER.
THOUGHT I WAS GONNA
LOSE HER THERE FOR A MINUTE
WHEN I PUT ON THE SETTING GEL,
BUT SHE RALLIED.
JOANNA MARIE
POLNACZEK, COME ON DOWN!
OH, JO!
JO, YOU LOOK GORGEOUS!
YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOURSELF,
BUT YOU LOOK GORGEOUS. I MEAN...
I KNOW, MRS. GARRETT.
WORDS FAIL.
OH, JO!
YOU LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS
WAY UP IN A TOWER OF A CASTLE
SURROUNDED BY A MOAT.
AND PRINCE BILL CAN'T GET TO YOU
BECAUSE THERE ARE
ALLIGATORS IN THE MOAT.
AND YOUR HAIR'S TOO
SHORT FOR HIM TO CLIMB UP,
SO HE HAS TO GET
A LADDER... TOOTIE!
WAKE UP. WE'RE BACK IN KANSAS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
I HAVE MADE A SILK
PURSE OUT OF A SOW'S EAR.
IT WASN'T ALL THAT
SERIOUS, DEAR.
MRS. GARRETT,
JO MAY NOT DRINK OUT OF
HER FINGER BOWL ANYMORE,
BUT SHE'S HARDLY READY
FOR THE BIG LEAGUE.
SHE'S DINING WITH A MILLIONAIRE
AND HIS
MULTI-MILLIONAIRE PARENTS.
WELL, I'M NOT WORRIED.
AND YOU SHOULDN'T
BE, EITHER, JO.
JUST GO AND HAVE FUN.
SHE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE FUN!
SHE'S SUPPOSED TO
IMPRESS, ENCHANT, DECEIVE.
AND I'M SUPPOSED TO BID!
LAST CALL FOR THE AUCTION.
GOING, GOING... GONE.
BLAIR...
I DON'T FEEL RIGHT ABOUT THIS.
I DON'T CARE HOW YOU FEEL.
YOU LOOK POSITIVELY...
PARK AVENUE.
WHY AM I DOING THIS?
FOR BILL!
FACE IT, PENZOIL AND
PERRIER DON'T MIX.
NOW, REMEMBER, WHEN YOU TALK
DON'T SAY THINGS LIKE "GONNA"
OR "SHOULDA" OR "GIVE ME A BREAK,"
OR THEY'LL THINK YOU
COME FROM THE BRONX.
I DO.
BILL'S PARENTS DON'T
WANT TO KNOW THAT.
LOOK, I'VE DONE ALL I CAN DO.
THE REST IS UP TO YOU.
YOU THINK I'M GONNA
BLOW IT, DON'T YOU?
GO-ING TO BLOW IT.
AND NO... NO, NO, I DON'T.
NOW REMEMBER, DON'T
TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF
UNDERNEATH THE TABLE,
AND DON'T PICK YOUR
TEETH WITH YOUR FORK.
BLAIR!
AND IF THEY ASK FOR
DETAILS OF YOUR LIFE,
GIVE THEM MINE.
BLAIR, I'M NOT YOU!
[LAUGHING]
WELL, THAT'S OBVIOUS, DEAR.
LEAST WE CAN TRY TO FOOL THEM.
I MEAN, IF WE WERE LET YOU
GO IN THERE AS YOURSELF,
THAT WOULD RUIN EVERYTHING.
NOW, I'M GOING OFF
TO THE PEP RALLY.
GOOD LUCK.
I'M WITH AMBASSADOR
SMITH'S PARTY.
I DOUBT THAT.
LISTEN, BUSTER, DON'T
GIVE ME A HARD TIME HERE!
YOUNG LADY, WOULD YOU PLEASE
KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.
NO, I WON'T KEEP MY VOICE DOWN.!
I'M EXPECTED HERE!
BILL, WOULD YOU TELL
THIS UNDERTAKER HERE
THAT YOU'RE EXPECTING ME.
IT'S OKAY. SHE'S WITH US.
INTERESTING GET-UP.
THERE MUST BE A REASON FOR IT.
DON'T TELL ME. WE'RE AT WAR?
ALL RIGHT, I WON'T TELL YOU.
JUST LIKE YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.
I DIDN'T TELL YOU WHAT?
THAT YOUR FAMILY'S LOADED,
THAT YOUR FATHER'S
AN AMBASSADOR,
AND YOUR MOTHER'S A JUDGE.
I TOLD YOU THEY
WERE WHITE COLLAR.
NOW I UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU DIDN'T WANT ME
TO HAVE DINNER WITH THEM
YOU'RE ASHAMED OF
DATING SOMEONE LIKE ME.
OH, JOE...
DON'T WORRY. I'M NOT GONNA
PICK MY TEETH WITH MY FORK.
I'M JUST GONNA BE MYSELF.
HOW YOU DOING, MA?
POPS? HELLO, THERE.
MOTHER, FATHER, THIS IS...
I'M JO POLNACZEK,
ORIGINAL POLISH JOKE.
WELL, HI, JO.
BILLY DIDN'T TELL US ABOUT
YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.
THERE'S A LOT BILLY
DIDN'T TELL ME, EITHER.
SO, I HEAR YOU FOLKS HAVE
MORE MONEY THAN GOD.
WELL, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIS
FINANCIAL STATEMENT LATELY BUT...
COCKTAILS, ANYONE?
YOU'RE AN AMBASSADOR, HUH?
ARE YOU AS QUALIFIED
AS SHIRLEY TEMPLE?
I MEAN, CAN YOU TAP DANCE?
ONLY AT TREATY NEGOTIATIONS.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
OKAY, FORGET COCKTAILS.
MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST GO
AHEAD AND ORDER DINNER.
TELL ME, JO, WHAT
DOES YOUR FATHER DO?
TIME.
PARDON?
OH, NO, THANKS, JUDGE,
HE DOESN'T NEED A PARDON.
HE'S BEEN ON PAROLE
FOR TWO YEARS NOW.
HEY, HOW ABOUT THOSE KNICKS?
YES, BILL HAS BEEN TELLING
US YOU'RE FROM NEW YORK.
WELL, I'M NOT.
I'M FROM THE BRONX,
YOU KNOW, THE
BRONX, IT'S THAT SLUM
THAT YOU RICH
FOLKS DRIVE THROUGH
ON YOUR WAY TO THE AIRPORT.
JO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT AM I DOING?
WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?
I'M HOLDING UP MY END OF
THE CONVERSATION HERE.
SO WHO DO YOU HAVE TO
KNOW HERE TO GET SOME CHOW?
COME ON, TOOTIE, ASK JO
HOW IT WENT LAST NIGHT.
I WILL NOT.
IF I SAY THE WRONG THING,
SHE'LL RIP OFF MY BRACES
WITH HER BARE HANDS.
TOOTIE, YOU'RE EXAGGERATING.
YOU WANT TO KNOW, YOU ASK HER.
BLAIR, ASK JO HOW
IT WENT LAST NIGHT.
I DON'T THINK I BETTER.
THIS MORNING, I FOUND
MY TAFFETA DRESS
TIED IN KNOTS
UNDERNEATH MY PILLOW.
[COUGHS]
I DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT LAST NIGHT!
SHE'S RIGHT. WHY
DWELL IN THE PAST?
HI-HO, JO.
JUST THOUGHT I'D DROP IN
TO SAY CHEERIO AND PIP-PIP.
WELL, GET A LOAD OF YOU.
VANDERBILTS ASK YOU TO TEA?
JO, HIGH TEA IS AN
AFTERNOON EVENT.
BILL IS DRESSED IN
MORNING CLOTHES.
DIDN'T YOU KNOW,
DILETTANTE MILLIONAIRE SONS
ALWAYS DRESS
THIS WAY IN THE A.M.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?
MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL
IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY?
YOU GAVE THAT A PRETTY FAIR
SHOT YOURSELF LAST NIGHT.
YOU GOT PROBLEMS WITH
SOMETHING I DID LAST NIGHT?
OH, NO.
FATHER WAS IMPRESSED
WHEN YOU EXPLAINED
HOW HE HAD BEEN PERSONALLY
RESPONSIBLE FOR THE HOSTAGE CRISIS.
I GOT A RIGHT TO
TELL HIM WHAT I THINK.
HE'S A PUBLIC SERVANT.
AND MOTHER LOVED IT
WHEN YOU LIT UP A
CIGAR AFTER DINNER.
OF COURSE, I WAS A
LITTLE DISAPPOINTED
THAT YOU DIDN'T DRINK
FROM YOUR FINGER BOWL.
THANK HEAVEN FOR SMALL FAVORS.
ALL IN ALL, I'D SAY IT
WAS A PERFECT EVENING.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T
NEED YOUR SARCASM.
FROM NOW ON, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST STICK WITH YOU DEBUTANTES?
BILL, DON'T GO.
DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT
WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?
NOTHING HAPPENED.
JUST GAVE THEM A GOOD
DOSE OF THE REAL ME.
FROM WHAT I JUST HEARD,
THAT WASN'T THE REAL YOU AT ALL.
WELL, IT'S WHO
EVERYONE THINKS I AM.
THEY ALWAYS SAY YOU CAN
TAKE THE GIRL OUT OF THE BRONX,
BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE THE
BRONX OUT OF TH GIRL.
THEY DON'T ALWAYS SAY THAT.
YOU DO.
EVERY TIME YOU GET
NERVOUS ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT'S NEW TO YOU,
AND FRANKLY, THAT
DOESN'T WASH ANYMORE.
YOU COULD'VE DONE
JUST FINE LAST NIGHT
WITHOUT ANYBODY'S HELP.
AND YOU KNOW IT.
YEAH, WELL, BILL
DOESN'T KNOW IT.
HE'S ASHAMED OF
DATING SOMEONE LIKE ME.
THAT'S WHY HE DIDN'T TELL
ME THE TRUTH ABOUT HIMSELF.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
MAYBE HE HAD ANOTHER REASON.
WHY NOT GIVE HIM THE
BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT?
'CAUSE WHERE I COME FROM
YOU GIVE SOMEONE THE
BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
AND YOU END UP FACE
DOWN IN THE EAST RIVER.
JO.
YOU'RE NOT A BRONX
BARBARIAN ANYMORE.
INSTEAD OF ASSUMING THAT
HE WAS ASHAMED OF YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU ASK HIM
WHAT HE WAS THINKING?
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
JUST NOW?
MY JACKET'S TOO TIGHT.
GIRLS, THIS COULD BE
A THRIVING BUSINESS
IF YOU TOOK THE
CUSTOMERS' MONEY.
BLAIR, COME ON NOW, GIVE ME
A HAND WITH THE QUICHE, HUH?
IS THERE ANY OTHER REASON,
BESIDES MY PAST,
THAT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF?
YEAH, MY PAST.
YOU HAVE A PAST.
ALL MY LIFE PEOPLE HAVE LIKED ME
NOT BECAUSE I WAS BILL SMITH,
BECAUSE I WAS
WILLIAM OGDEN SMITH IV.
WELL, I'M NOT LIKE THAT.
NO, YOU'RE WORSE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE VERY
PREJUDICE AGAINST PEOPLE
WHO ARE NOT AS POOR AS YOU ARE.
EVER SINCE WE FIRST MET,
YOU KEPT ON CALLING ALL
THE LANGLEY GUYS RICH NERDS.
WELL, THEY ARE.
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?
TELL YOU I WAS THE
RICHEST NERD OF ALL?
BUT YOU ARE.
SEE?
LOOK, I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY.
WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?
THEY'RE JUST A LITTLE SURPRISED.
IT'S NOT EVERY DAY YOU
SEE A SUMMIT MEETING
BETWEEN FRED ASTAIRE
AND FIDEL CASTRO.
DO YOU WANT TO GO
SOMEPLACE AND TALK?
COME ON, WE'LL TAKE A WALK.
WELL, THE PARK IS
NICE THIS TIME OF DAY.
COME ON, FIDEL,
I'LL BUY A CIGAR.
♪ YOU'LL AVOID A
LOT OF DAMAGES ♪
♪ AN ENJOY THE FUN OF MANAGING ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪
♪ IF YOU HEAR THEM
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪
♪ BETTER CLEAR THEM
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪
♪ BETTER GET THEM RIGHT,
♪ CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU GOT THE FUTURE IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HANDS ♪
♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO ♪
♪ TO GET YOU THROUGH
IS UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪
♪ YOU WILL NEVER MAKE
WITHOUT THE TRUTH ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ LEARNING THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪
♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪
♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
THANKS FOR THE MOVIE.
I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT?
I DIDN'T BUT THE
POPCORN WAS GOOD.
BILL, YOU BETTER GO.
OKAY.
BUT FIRST, ONE QUESTION.
AM I DATING A MARRIED WOMAN?
WHAT?
WELL, WE'VE BEEN SEEING
EACH OTHER FOR THREE WEEKS,
AND I STILL HAVEN'T
MET YOUR ROOMMATES.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
I'M HOUSEBROKEN.
I DON'T CHEW FURNITURE.
AND I DON'T CHASE CARS ANYMORE.
AND YOU'RE FUNNY.
YEAH?
WHAT ELSE DO YOU LIKE ABOUT ME?
A LOT.
ESPECIALLY THE FACT
THAT YOU'RE NOT LIKE THE
REST OF THOSE LANGLEY GUYS.
WELL, THANKS. WHAT'S
THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
WELL, YOU'RE NOT PREPPIE.
YOUR JAW MOVES WHEN YOU TALK.
COME ON, THEY'RE ALL EMPTY,
SNOBBY SONS OF MILLIONAIRES.
FACE IT, YOU'RE THE ONLY
NORMAL GUY I'VE MET THERE.
WELL, IF I'M OKAY,
AND YOU'RE OKAY,
IS IT YOUR FRIENDS
THAT ARE WEIRD?
NO. WELL... YEAH...
NOT THE WAY THAT YOU MEAN.
SEE, I LIVE WITH
THE SNOOP SISTERS.
AND LIFE HERE IS LIKE
ONE LONG SHOW AND TELL.
SOMETIMES THAT'S HARD FOR ME.
I'M JUST KIND OF
A PRIVATE PERSON.
I UNDERSTAND.
BESIDES, THEY'D
NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE
IF THEY KNEW I WAS
SEEING SOMEONE I REALLY...
REALLY WHAT?
WELL, YOU KNOW.
SOMEONE I... LUSTED
AFTER IN YOUR HEART?
SOMEONE I LIKE, BILL.
SOMEONE I LIKE A LOT.
I THINK YOU BETTER GO.
OKAY.
DON'T FORGET, WE HAVE A
DINNER DATE TOMORROW NIGHT.
I WON'T FORGET.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT.
BYE.
COME ON, JO, COME TO THE
PEP RALLY WITH ME TONIGHT.
GIMMIE A P-E-P!
GIMMIE A BREAK!
I TOLD YOU, BLAIR,
I'M ALL PEPPED OUT.
ALL YOU DO IS
STUDY, STUDY, STUDY.
YOU'RE MISSING THE
COLLEGE EXPERIENCE.
OH, EXCUSE ME,
I THOUGHT THAT WAS
THE COLLEGE EXPERIENCE.
YOU THINK YOU'RE FOOLING PEOPLE.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO.
SAYING YOU'RE GOING TO
THE LIBRARY EVERY NIGHT.
YOU DO?
YOU'RE HIDING OUT THERE
BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID
OF BEING REJECTED.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
AND YOU HAVE EVERY
RIGHT TO BE AFRAID.
OR YOU USED TO.
BUT YOU'RE NO LONGER A
PSYCHOPATHIC RAGAMUFFIN.
YOU'RE JUST...
ANTISOCIAL AND A LITTLE MESSY.
BUT YOU'VE CHANGED, JO.
YOU SHOULDN'T BE AFRAID
TO MIX WITH YOUR PEERS.
ALL RIGHT. YOU
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
BROWSING?
YOU BROWSE WITH YOUR
EYES, NOT YOUR HANDS.
SON OF A GUN!
THAT MUST'VE FALLEN
RIGHT OFF THE SHELF
AND INTO MY JACKET!
SHE'S STEALING OUR ESCARGOT?
I'M CALLING THE POLICE.
I'LL HANDLE THIS.
YEAH. LET HER HANDLE THIS.
LOOK, I COULD CALL THE COPS,
BUT I WON'T THIS TIME.
WHY NOT?
SHE SAID SHE'D HANDLE IT! OKAY?
LOOK, KID,
I DON'T EVER WANT TO
SEE YOU IN HERE AGAIN.
WAIT A MINUTE! JUST ONE MINUTE.
MARINATED BABY CORN?
IS IT MY FAULT YOU DON'T
HAVE ANY NORMAL FOOD?
LOOK, THERE'S A BUS
COMING DOWN THE STREET
IN TEN MINUTES. BE UNDER IT.
YOU'RE ALL HEART.
YOU SEE, I'M RIGHT, JO.
YOU HAVE CHANGED.
FOUR YEARS AGO,
YOU WOULD'VE PUT THAT
GIRL'S HEAD IN A BLENDER
AND SET IT FOR PUREE.
BUT NOW, YOU SEND HER OUT THERE
TO PLAY IN HEAVY TRAFFIC.
YOU THINK I'M GETTING SOFT?
I THINK YOU'VE BECOME CIVILIZED.
COME ON, JO, IF YOU WON'T DATE,
WILL YOU AT LEAST GO
TO THE PEP RALLY WITH ME?
COME ON, IT'LL BE FUN.
FOR ME.
WHAT ARE YOU GROVELING
ABOUT NOW, BLAIR?
JO IS PRACTICALLY
LIVING AT THE LIBRARY.
IF WE WANT TO SEE HER,
WE HAVE TO LOOK HER
UP IN THE CARD CATALOG
AND CHECK HER OUT.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO BETTER
THAN THAT OLD LIBRARY
STORY WITH US, POLNACZEK.
WHO ARE YOU CALLING POLNACZEK?
YOU, POLNACZEK.
THE LIBRARY CLOSED
AT 10:00 LAST NIGHT.
AND YOU DIDN'T GET
HOME UNTIL MIDNIGHT.
YOU WANT TO MAKE
SOMETHING OF IT?
I ALREADY HAVE.
WHAT IS THAT?
A PIECE OF POPCORN.
IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY,
YOU WILL NOTICE
IT IS THE TYPE COMMONLY
SOLD AT THE MOVIE HOUSES.
SHE FOUND IT IN THE POCKET
OF YOUR GOOD BLAZER.
THE ONE YOU WORE TO
THE LIBRARY LAST NIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
GOING THROUGH MY POCKETS?
HOW ELSE WILL I FIND
OUT WHAT YOU'RE UP TO?
YOU NEVER TELL US ANYTHING!
NOW SPILL IT, WHO'S THE
MAN BEHIND THE POPCORN?
OH, ALL RIGHT. I'LL TELL YOU.
ORVILLE REDENBACHER.
LOOK, JO, IF THERE'S
SOMEONE SPECIAL IN YOUR LIFE,
YOUR FRIENDS DESERVE TO
HEAR A FEW COLD HARD FACTS.
AND LOTS OF JUICY DETAILS.
YOU WANT SOMETHING JUICY, HUH?
YEAH. HOW'S THIS?
COME ON, NAT.
LET'S GO HELP BLAIR.
SHE DOESN'T GET VIOLENT
WHEN YOU ASK HER
A SIMPLE QUESTION.
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
YOU WANT SOMETHING?
HOW ABOUT THIS?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
JUST WANTED TO SAY HELLO.
HELLO AND NOW GOOD-BYE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
HOW ABOUT ANOTHER HELLO TO GO?
BLAIR IS SURE TAKING HER SWEET
TIME OF LOADING THAT DISHWASHER.
SHE'S THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW
WHO LOADS DIRTY DISHES BY COLOR.
TWO CROISSANTS TO
GO COMING RIGHT UP!
HI.
OH, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
BUT I DECIDED TO TAKE
ANOTHER AEROBICS CLASS.
AND I GOT INTO SUCH A RHYTHM
WITH THOSE WAIST TWISTS,
I ALMOST SCREWED
MYSELF INTO THE FLOOR.
HERE YOU GO AND HAVE A NICE DAY.
OH, HI, YOU TWO.
DID YOU ENJOY THE
MOVIE LAST NIGHT?
THE MOVIE?
WHAT MOVIE?
I KNOW IT WON AN
ACADEMY AWARD TOO,
BUT FRANKLY, I WAS BORED.
WERE YOU BORED AT THE MOVIE, JO?
WHAT MOVIE, MRS. G?
I DIDN'T GO TO SEE A MOVIE.
HUH?
OHHH.
I THOUGHT I SAW THIS YOUNG MAN
AT THE MOVIES
LAST NIGHT WITH JO,
BUT I GUESS IT WASN'T HIM.
I GUESS IT WASN'T JO, EITHER.
OH, JO. LISTEN TO HER.
YOU'RE MAKING THIS
WOMAN LIE FOR YOU.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE HER
DO NEXT, CHEAT, STEAL?
WHERE WILL THIS END?
OH, ALL RIGHT, NATALIE, YOU WIN.
EVERYBODY, THIS IS,
UH... MY FRIEND BILL.
FINALLY! A NAME.
NICE TO MEET YOU, BILL.
I'VE HEARD A LOT
ABOUT YOU, ALL OF YOU
OH, WELL, WE'VE HEARD
NOTHING ABOUT YOU.
WATCH OUT FOR THEM.
[RUSSIAN ACCENT] THEY HAVE
WAYS OF MAKING YOU TALK.
I'LL BE DOWN IN A BIT.
SO...
BILL, THAT'S SHORT
FOR WILLIAM, ISN'T IT?
YOU TWO KNOW EACH LONG?
YOU MEET ON CAMPUS?
ANSWER ANY TWO.
LISTEN, JO, ABOUT
DINNER TONIGHT...
OH, YOU'RE TAKING HER
OUT TO DINNER, HUH?
SOUNDS GOOD.
I JUST FOUND OUT
MY PARENTS ARE COMING INTO TOWN.
AND I THOUGHT MAYBE IT
WOULD BE BORING FOR YOU.
NO. I'D LOVE HAVING
DINNER WITH THEM.
GOOD, GOOD. MEET THE PARENTS.
YOU SURE IT'S ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
OKAY, I'M PICKING THEM
UP AT THE TRAIN STATION.
SO WILL YOU MEET US
AT THE LE PETIT MOULON AT 7:30?
7:30 IS PERFECT.
OKAY, SEE YOU THEN?
SURE.
AND LISTEN...
ALL FURTHER MESSAGES
WILL BE SENT IN CODE.
WASN'T THAT BILL SMITH?
HE'S THE GUY JO'S
BEEN SEEING ON THE SLY.
I DON'T BELIEVE...
YOU'RE DATING BILL SMITH?
HE IS THE CATCH OF THE CENTURY!
HE'S JUST A GUY.
SOME GUY.
DON'T YOU KNOW WHO HE IS?
TELL US! NO, WHO IS HE?
PLAIN OLD BILL SMITH
JUST HAPPENS TO BE
WILLIAM OGDEN
SMITH IV, SON OF...
WILLIAM OGDEN SMITH III.
WELL, AT LEAST SOMEONE
HERE READS TOWN AND COUNTRY.
WILLIAM OGDEN SMITH
III IS A MILLIONAIRE...
A MULTIMILLIONAIRE.
HE DIDN'T TELL ME.
JO AND WILLIAM OGDEN SMITH IV.
THIS IS MORE UNBELIEVABLE
THAN A HARLEQUIN ROMANCE.
WAIT, IT GETS BETTER.
JO'S HAVING DINNER WITH
HIS PARENTS TONIGHT.
YOU'RE DINING WITH
AMBASSADOR AND JUSTICE SMITH?
WAIT A MINUTE.
HIS MOTHER IS JUSTICE SMITH?
HE DIDN'T TELL ME.
JO, WHAT DO YOU HAVE
TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?
WHY DIDN'T HE TELL ME?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HE'S THE SON OF A
MILLIONAIRE AMBASSADOR
AND A JUDGE.
THAT DOESN'T SLIP YOUR MIND.
JO, CALM DOWN. WHY?
BECAUSE BLAIR IS HERE.
I'LL ADMIT, YOU ARE
IN OVER YOUR HEAD,
BUT I'LL HELP YOU GET
THROUGH DINNER TONIGHT.
HOW?
I'LL LEND YOU SOME CLOTHES.
I'LL FIX YOUR HAIR.
I'LL GIVE YOU SOME
TIPS ON SMALL TALK.
TRUST ME, I'LL MAKE
YOU BEAUTIFUL.
I'LL MAKE YOU PERFECT.
I'LL MAKE YOU ME.
BLAIR, WHAT'S GOING ON?
[BLAIR] TWO MINUTES.
I'M ALMOST DONE.
I WANT GET TO THE AUCTION
BEFORE THE ANTIQUE MILK CANS GO.
PLEASE, CAN'T WE
WAIT A LITTLE LONGER?
I WANT TO SEE HOW
BLAIR'S MADE JO OVER.
YEAH, BUT SHE'S BEEN
UP THERE ALL AFTERNOON.
MRS. GARRETT, WE'RE TALKING
HEAVY RECONSTRUCTION.
WELL, IT'S OVER.
THOUGHT I WAS GONNA
LOSE HER THERE FOR A MINUTE
WHEN I PUT ON THE SETTING GEL,
BUT SHE RALLIED.
JOANNA MARIE
POLNACZEK, COME ON DOWN!
OH, JO!
JO, YOU LOOK GORGEOUS!
YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOURSELF,
BUT YOU LOOK GORGEOUS. I MEAN...
I KNOW, MRS. GARRETT.
WORDS FAIL.
OH, JO!
YOU LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS
WAY UP IN A TOWER OF A CASTLE
SURROUNDED BY A MOAT.
AND PRINCE BILL CAN'T GET TO YOU
BECAUSE THERE ARE
ALLIGATORS IN THE MOAT.
AND YOUR HAIR'S TOO
SHORT FOR HIM TO CLIMB UP,
SO HE HAS TO GET
A LADDER... TOOTIE!
WAKE UP. WE'RE BACK IN KANSAS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
I HAVE MADE A SILK
PURSE OUT OF A SOW'S EAR.
IT WASN'T ALL THAT
SERIOUS, DEAR.
MRS. GARRETT,
JO MAY NOT DRINK OUT OF
HER FINGER BOWL ANYMORE,
BUT SHE'S HARDLY READY
FOR THE BIG LEAGUE.
SHE'S DINING WITH A MILLIONAIRE
AND HIS
MULTI-MILLIONAIRE PARENTS.
WELL, I'M NOT WORRIED.
AND YOU SHOULDN'T
BE, EITHER, JO.
JUST GO AND HAVE FUN.
SHE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE FUN!
SHE'S SUPPOSED TO
IMPRESS, ENCHANT, DECEIVE.
AND I'M SUPPOSED TO BID!
LAST CALL FOR THE AUCTION.
GOING, GOING... GONE.
BLAIR...
I DON'T FEEL RIGHT ABOUT THIS.
I DON'T CARE HOW YOU FEEL.
YOU LOOK POSITIVELY...
PARK AVENUE.
WHY AM I DOING THIS?
FOR BILL!
FACE IT, PENZOIL AND
PERRIER DON'T MIX.
NOW, REMEMBER, WHEN YOU TALK
DON'T SAY THINGS LIKE "GONNA"
OR "SHOULDA" OR "GIVE ME A BREAK,"
OR THEY'LL THINK YOU
COME FROM THE BRONX.
I DO.
BILL'S PARENTS DON'T
WANT TO KNOW THAT.
LOOK, I'VE DONE ALL I CAN DO.
THE REST IS UP TO YOU.
YOU THINK I'M GONNA
BLOW IT, DON'T YOU?
GO-ING TO BLOW IT.
AND NO... NO, NO, I DON'T.
NOW REMEMBER, DON'T
TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF
UNDERNEATH THE TABLE,
AND DON'T PICK YOUR
TEETH WITH YOUR FORK.
BLAIR!
AND IF THEY ASK FOR
DETAILS OF YOUR LIFE,
GIVE THEM MINE.
BLAIR, I'M NOT YOU!
[LAUGHING]
WELL, THAT'S OBVIOUS, DEAR.
LEAST WE CAN TRY TO FOOL THEM.
I MEAN, IF WE WERE LET YOU
GO IN THERE AS YOURSELF,
THAT WOULD RUIN EVERYTHING.
NOW, I'M GOING OFF
TO THE PEP RALLY.
GOOD LUCK.
I'M WITH AMBASSADOR
SMITH'S PARTY.
I DOUBT THAT.
LISTEN, BUSTER, DON'T
GIVE ME A HARD TIME HERE!
YOUNG LADY, WOULD YOU PLEASE
KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.
NO, I WON'T KEEP MY VOICE DOWN.!
I'M EXPECTED HERE!
BILL, WOULD YOU TELL
THIS UNDERTAKER HERE
THAT YOU'RE EXPECTING ME.
IT'S OKAY. SHE'S WITH US.
INTERESTING GET-UP.
THERE MUST BE A REASON FOR IT.
DON'T TELL ME. WE'RE AT WAR?
ALL RIGHT, I WON'T TELL YOU.
JUST LIKE YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.
I DIDN'T TELL YOU WHAT?
THAT YOUR FAMILY'S LOADED,
THAT YOUR FATHER'S
AN AMBASSADOR,
AND YOUR MOTHER'S A JUDGE.
I TOLD YOU THEY
WERE WHITE COLLAR.
NOW I UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU DIDN'T WANT ME
TO HAVE DINNER WITH THEM
YOU'RE ASHAMED OF
DATING SOMEONE LIKE ME.
OH, JOE...
DON'T WORRY. I'M NOT GONNA
PICK MY TEETH WITH MY FORK.
I'M JUST GONNA BE MYSELF.
HOW YOU DOING, MA?
POPS? HELLO, THERE.
MOTHER, FATHER, THIS IS...
I'M JO POLNACZEK,
ORIGINAL POLISH JOKE.
WELL, HI, JO.
BILLY DIDN'T TELL US ABOUT
YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.
THERE'S A LOT BILLY
DIDN'T TELL ME, EITHER.
SO, I HEAR YOU FOLKS HAVE
MORE MONEY THAN GOD.
WELL, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIS
FINANCIAL STATEMENT LATELY BUT...
COCKTAILS, ANYONE?
YOU'RE AN AMBASSADOR, HUH?
ARE YOU AS QUALIFIED
AS SHIRLEY TEMPLE?
I MEAN, CAN YOU TAP DANCE?
ONLY AT TREATY NEGOTIATIONS.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
OKAY, FORGET COCKTAILS.
MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST GO
AHEAD AND ORDER DINNER.
TELL ME, JO, WHAT
DOES YOUR FATHER DO?
TIME.
PARDON?
OH, NO, THANKS, JUDGE,
HE DOESN'T NEED A PARDON.
HE'S BEEN ON PAROLE
FOR TWO YEARS NOW.
HEY, HOW ABOUT THOSE KNICKS?
YES, BILL HAS BEEN TELLING
US YOU'RE FROM NEW YORK.
WELL, I'M NOT.
I'M FROM THE BRONX,
YOU KNOW, THE
BRONX, IT'S THAT SLUM
THAT YOU RICH
FOLKS DRIVE THROUGH
ON YOUR WAY TO THE AIRPORT.
JO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT AM I DOING?
WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?
I'M HOLDING UP MY END OF
THE CONVERSATION HERE.
SO WHO DO YOU HAVE TO
KNOW HERE TO GET SOME CHOW?
COME ON, TOOTIE, ASK JO
HOW IT WENT LAST NIGHT.
I WILL NOT.
IF I SAY THE WRONG THING,
SHE'LL RIP OFF MY BRACES
WITH HER BARE HANDS.
TOOTIE, YOU'RE EXAGGERATING.
YOU WANT TO KNOW, YOU ASK HER.
BLAIR, ASK JO HOW
IT WENT LAST NIGHT.
I DON'T THINK I BETTER.
THIS MORNING, I FOUND
MY TAFFETA DRESS
TIED IN KNOTS
UNDERNEATH MY PILLOW.
[COUGHS]
I DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT LAST NIGHT!
SHE'S RIGHT. WHY
DWELL IN THE PAST?
HI-HO, JO.
JUST THOUGHT I'D DROP IN
TO SAY CHEERIO AND PIP-PIP.
WELL, GET A LOAD OF YOU.
VANDERBILTS ASK YOU TO TEA?
JO, HIGH TEA IS AN
AFTERNOON EVENT.
BILL IS DRESSED IN
MORNING CLOTHES.
DIDN'T YOU KNOW,
DILETTANTE MILLIONAIRE SONS
ALWAYS DRESS
THIS WAY IN THE A.M.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?
MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL
IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY?
YOU GAVE THAT A PRETTY FAIR
SHOT YOURSELF LAST NIGHT.
YOU GOT PROBLEMS WITH
SOMETHING I DID LAST NIGHT?
OH, NO.
FATHER WAS IMPRESSED
WHEN YOU EXPLAINED
HOW HE HAD BEEN PERSONALLY
RESPONSIBLE FOR THE HOSTAGE CRISIS.
I GOT A RIGHT TO
TELL HIM WHAT I THINK.
HE'S A PUBLIC SERVANT.
AND MOTHER LOVED IT
WHEN YOU LIT UP A
CIGAR AFTER DINNER.
OF COURSE, I WAS A
LITTLE DISAPPOINTED
THAT YOU DIDN'T DRINK
FROM YOUR FINGER BOWL.
THANK HEAVEN FOR SMALL FAVORS.
ALL IN ALL, I'D SAY IT
WAS A PERFECT EVENING.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T
NEED YOUR SARCASM.
FROM NOW ON, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST STICK WITH YOU DEBUTANTES?
BILL, DON'T GO.
DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT
WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?
NOTHING HAPPENED.
JUST GAVE THEM A GOOD
DOSE OF THE REAL ME.
FROM WHAT I JUST HEARD,
THAT WASN'T THE REAL YOU AT ALL.
WELL, IT'S WHO
EVERYONE THINKS I AM.
THEY ALWAYS SAY YOU CAN
TAKE THE GIRL OUT OF THE BRONX,
BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE THE
BRONX OUT OF TH GIRL.
THEY DON'T ALWAYS SAY THAT.
YOU DO.
EVERY TIME YOU GET
NERVOUS ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT'S NEW TO YOU,
AND FRANKLY, THAT
DOESN'T WASH ANYMORE.
YOU COULD'VE DONE
JUST FINE LAST NIGHT
WITHOUT ANYBODY'S HELP.
AND YOU KNOW IT.
YEAH, WELL, BILL
DOESN'T KNOW IT.
HE'S ASHAMED OF
DATING SOMEONE LIKE ME.
THAT'S WHY HE DIDN'T TELL
ME THE TRUTH ABOUT HIMSELF.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
MAYBE HE HAD ANOTHER REASON.
WHY NOT GIVE HIM THE
BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT?
'CAUSE WHERE I COME FROM
YOU GIVE SOMEONE THE
BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
AND YOU END UP FACE
DOWN IN THE EAST RIVER.
JO.
YOU'RE NOT A BRONX
BARBARIAN ANYMORE.
INSTEAD OF ASSUMING THAT
HE WAS ASHAMED OF YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU ASK HIM
WHAT HE WAS THINKING?
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
JUST NOW?
MY JACKET'S TOO TIGHT.
GIRLS, THIS COULD BE
A THRIVING BUSINESS
IF YOU TOOK THE
CUSTOMERS' MONEY.
BLAIR, COME ON NOW, GIVE ME
A HAND WITH THE QUICHE, HUH?
IS THERE ANY OTHER REASON,
BESIDES MY PAST,
THAT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF?
YEAH, MY PAST.
YOU HAVE A PAST.
ALL MY LIFE PEOPLE HAVE LIKED ME
NOT BECAUSE I WAS BILL SMITH,
BECAUSE I WAS
WILLIAM OGDEN SMITH IV.
WELL, I'M NOT LIKE THAT.
NO, YOU'RE WORSE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE VERY
PREJUDICE AGAINST PEOPLE
WHO ARE NOT AS POOR AS YOU ARE.
EVER SINCE WE FIRST MET,
YOU KEPT ON CALLING ALL
THE LANGLEY GUYS RICH NERDS.
WELL, THEY ARE.
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?
TELL YOU I WAS THE
RICHEST NERD OF ALL?
BUT YOU ARE.
SEE?
LOOK, I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY.
WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?
THEY'RE JUST A LITTLE SURPRISED.
IT'S NOT EVERY DAY YOU
SEE A SUMMIT MEETING
BETWEEN FRED ASTAIRE
AND FIDEL CASTRO.
DO YOU WANT TO GO
SOMEPLACE AND TALK?
COME ON, WE'LL TAKE A WALK.
WELL, THE PARK IS
NICE THIS TIME OF DAY.
COME ON, FIDEL,
I'LL BUY A CIGAR.
♪ YOU'LL AVOID A
LOT OF DAMAGES ♪
♪ AN ENJOY THE FUN OF MANAGING ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪
♪ IF YOU HEAR THEM
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪
♪ BETTER CLEAR THEM
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪
♪ BETTER GET THEM RIGHT,
♪ CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU GOT THE FUTURE IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HANDS ♪
♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO ♪
♪ TO GET YOU THROUGH
IS UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪
♪ YOU WILL NEVER MAKE
WITHOUT THE TRUTH ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ LEARNING THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪