The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 5, Episode 24 - Joint Custody - full transcript

TONIGHT IS OUR 100th SHOW.

AND ALL OF US AT
THE FACTS OF LIFE

WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR MAKING IT HAPPEN.

All: THANKS!

♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪

♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪



♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪

♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪

♪ YOU ♪

♪ YOU ♪

♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪

OH, GIRLS, THESE PASTA
BARRELS AREN'T FULL.

THEY'RE ALMOST FULL.

MY SON IS COMING.
IT'S HIS FIRST VISIT.



I DON'T WANT ALMOST
FULL, I WANT FULL!

BUT IF THEY'RE TOO FULL,

WON'T HE THINK WE'RE
NOT SELLING ENOUGH?

YOU'RE RIGHT. TAKE SOME OUT!

MRS. G, WOULD YOU CALM
DOWN? EVERYTHING'S PERFECT.

WELL, HE'S NOT JUST MY SON,

HE'S MY LANDLORD.

DID YOU FINISH THE LEDGER?

YES, AND I DID IT EXACTLY
THE WAY RAYMOND TOLD ME TO.

REVENUES IN GREEN,
EXPENSES IN BLUE,

AND THE STORE IS IN THE BLACK.

GOOD... OH, IT'S JUST
THAT I DON'T WANT HER

TO FIND ANYTHING
SHE CAN CRITICIZE.

AHA! SO YOU SEE, JO,

IT'S NOT THE "HE"
SHE'S WORRIED ABOUT,

IT'S THE "SHE"... THE
DREADED DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.

THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST.

GIRLS, GIRLS... THAT'S NO WAY

TO TALK ABOUT DORIS.

RIGHT. WE SHOULD
TALK ABOUT DORIS

THE WAY MRS. GARRETT DOES.

"THAT WOMAN IS MAKING
MY BOY MISERABLE!"

"HOW COULD RAYMOND
MARRY SUCH A SHREW?"

WELL, SHE IS.

I DON'T KNOW, SHE CRITICIZES
AND PICKS ON HIM ALL THE TIME.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
HE EVER SAW IN HER.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

OUR LOCAL CANDIDATE
FOR SAINTHOOD

IS ACTUALLY ACTING
LIKE A MOTHER-IN-LAW.

MRS. GARRETT, REMIND ME
NEVER TO MARRY YOUR SON.

OH, GREAT, THEY'RE HERE.

LOOK BUSY.

RIGHT. DUST, SWEEP,
DO SOMETHING.

NATALIE, CALM DOWN.

I'M SORRY, I FEED ON HYSTERIA.

MOM!

RAYMOND! MOM!

MOM, MOM, MOM,
MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM!

OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.

YOU LOOK WONDERFUL!

DORIS.

EDNA.

MOM, YOU'VE DONE
WONDERS WITH THIS PLACE.

THE LAST TIME I SAW
IT, IT WAS A MESS...

NO LIGHT, NO HEAT.

YEAH, WELL, WE
CLEANED UP THE MESS.

IT'S STILL CHILLY.

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TALK
TO MY LANDLORD ABOUT THAT.

IT IS VERY NICE,

ALTHOUGH THE LIGHTING
IS KIND OF HARSH.

OH?

I WAS IN A SHOP WHERE
THEY USED FLUORESCENTS

THAT SIMULATED NATURAL SUNLIGHT.

IT WAS SO CHEERFUL.

HI!

I'M BLAIR. OH...
NICE TO MEET YOU.

THAT'S RIGHT, YOU
HAVEN'T MET THE STAFF.

THAT'S TOOTIE AND
NATALIE... HI THERE. HI.

AND THIS IS JO. HI.

DO I HAVE SPINACH IN
MY TEETH OR SOMETHING?

OH, NO, NO.

IT'S JUST MRS. GARRETT

HAS TOLD US SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

AND WE WANTED TO
SEE IT FOR OURSELVES.

OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU TWO COULD
FINALLY MAKE IT DOWN HERE.

WELL, WE HAD TO BE HERE
ANYWAY FOR MY COUSIN'S WEDDING,

SO I THOUGHT WE'D KILL
TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE.

OH... WELL, UH...

IF I HAVE TO BE A DEAD
BIRD TO GET YOU DOWN HERE,

I'LL JUST HAVE TO
BE A DEAD BIRD.

DO I SMELL PEANUT BUTTER?

YES, YOU DO.

PEANUT BUTTER CROISSANTS?

FRESH FROM THE OVEN.

MY FAVORITE!

MMM! MMM! MMM!

RAYMOND, YOU JUST ATE.

HONESTLY, EDNA, ALL YOUR
SON DOES IS SHOVEL IT IN.

LOOK AT HIM.

HE'LL EAT ANYTHING.

RAYMOND ISN'T FAT.

YOU DON'T SEE HIM
WITH HIS CLOTHES OFF.

HOW ABOUT SOME COFFEE?

FINE, IF YOU HAVE BREWED DECAF.

WE'LL DECAFFEINATE SOME.

GIRLS, WOULD YOU
DO THAT, PLEASE,

WHILE I TAKE THESE
TWO ON A TOUR?

WELL, TELL ME...

HOW ARE YOU BOTH?
AND HOW'S THE HOUSE?

AND WHEN AM I GONNA
GET A GRANDCHILD?

I WILL DEFINITELY HAVE
TO GO WITH "SHREW."

SHE'S NICE-LOOKING, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?

I THINK IF DORIS WANTS
NATURAL LIGHTING,

SHE CAN GO TO THE BEACH.

I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK IT MIGHT CHEER
THIS PLACE UP A LITTLE.

WELL, IT MIGHT.

WE HAVE DONE FINE

WITHOUT DORIS'S ADVICE UP...

THAT WAS A QUICK TOUR.

OH, I'M SORRY, DORIS.

NO, NO. MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

MAYBE I AM STUPID.

SHE DIDN'T CALL YOU STUPID.

SHE SAID YOUR IDEA OF
FREEZING THE MILK WAS STUPID.

YES, I DIDN'T MEAN STUPID.

I MEANT UNNECESSARY.

YOU SEE, WE GET FRESH MILK
DELIVERED HERE EVERY DAY, AND...

THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
EDNA, IT'S YOUR STORE.

YOU CAN DO THINGS YOUR WAY.

RAYMOND, WILL YOU
REMEMBER YOUR DIET?

DORIS, IT'S HIS
MOTHER'S COOKING.

OHH, YOU'LL START
YOUR DIET ON MONDAY.

THANKS, MOM.

I'D LIKE TO GO TO THE INN NOW.

WHAT'S YOUR HURRY?
YOU JUST GOT HERE.

I'M A LITTLE TIRED
FROM THE WEDDING.

WHY DON'T YOU INHALE
ANOTHER CROISSANT?

WELL, TIME TO DO THE LAUNDRY.

I'LL BLEACH.

I'LL SORT.

I DON'T CARE WHAT
THEY SAY ABOUT DORIS.

I STILL THINK SHE'S
NICE-LOOKING.

RAYMOND, FORGIVE ME.

BUT I WISH SHE WOULDN'T
CRITICIZE YOU LIKE THAT

IN FRONT OF ME.

I'M SORRY.

OH, WELL, YOU
SHOULDN'T BE SORRY.

SHE PICKS, PICKS, PICKS
ON YOU ALL THE TIME.

I KNOW, TO HEAR HER TALK,

I AM PRACTICALLY AN OGRE.

OH, WELL, IT'S NOT JUST YOU.

IT'S THE LIGHTING,
IT'S MY COOKING,

IT'S EVERYTHING.

THERE'S NO PLEASING THAT WOMAN.

YEAH, I KNOW, BUT JUST
TRY AND CRITICIZE HER!

OH, NO.

SHE'S PERFECT.

SHE REFUSES TO UNDERSTAND THAT
YOU HAVE TO BUDGET YOUR MONEY.

ALL SHE WANTS TO DO
IS SPEND, SPEND, SPEND.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
TO LIVE THAT WAY.

I DON'T HAVE TO.
WE'RE SEPARATING.

RAYMOND... I KNOW, I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY.

DID WE REALLY TRY
TO WORK THINGS OUT.

WELL... DID YOU?

YES, WE DID!

I TRIED EVERYTHING...
A TRIAL SEPARATION,

A TRIAL RECONCILIATION.

I EVEN TOOK HER TO HAWAII...

A TRIAL VACATION.

BUT NOTHING WORKED.

IT'S OVER.

SHE'S LEAVING ME.

SHE'S LEAVING YOU?

I'M NOT PREPARED FOR THIS, MOM.

I MOVED OUT OF YOUR
HOUSE AND IN WITH HER.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE ALONE.

I KNOW, I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE GONNA SAY.

THERE ARE PLENTY
OTHER FISH IN THE SEA,

BUT I DON'T WANT ANYBODY ELSE!

I JUST... WE ARGUED A LOT,

BUT I ALWAYS THOUGHT
WE WERE GOOD TOGETHER.

WELL, YOU SAID SHE WAS
ALWAYS PICKING ON YOU.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH MYSELF?

I'M GONNA COME HOME,
AND DORIS WON'T BE THERE.

YOU'VE GOT TO CHANGE HER MIND.

I WOULD IF I COULD, BUT I CAN'T.

I'M GOING BACK TO THE INN.

PLEASE, DON'T TELL DORIS
WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.

I DON'T WANT HER
SCREAMING AT YOU.

OH, RAYMOND... I'M
HERE IF YOU NEED ME.

OH, MOM. OHH.

YOU'RE THE GREATEST.

OHH.

WAIT.

SEE YOU TONIGHT.

WELL, I SAY GOOD RIDDANCE.

YOU WERE LISTENING?

NO.

SO SHE'S LEAVING HIM, HUH?

I THINK IT'S A SHAME,
MRS. GARRETT.

OH, COME ON, TOOTIE.

RAYMOND IS TOO GOOD FOR DORIS.

IF HE'S SMART,
HE'LL JUST LET HER

HOP ON HER BROOMSTICK
AND FLY AWAY.

I'VE GOT TO GET THEM
BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.

WHY?

HE'LL BE MISERABLE WITHOUT HER.

MRS. G, I GOT OVER THE MEASLES.

RAYMOND'LL GET OVER DORIS.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU TOLD US RAYMOND AND
DORIS OWN THIS STORE TOGETHER.

THAT IT'S IN BOTH THEIR NAMES.

SO WHAT?

IF THEY GET A DIVORCE, THEY
CAN'T SPLIT THE PROPERTY.

SO THEY HAVE TO SELL
IT AND SPLIT THE CASH.

YOU MEAN, WE COULD
LOSE THE STORE?

YES!

WELL, MRS. G, YOU GOTTA
GET 'EM BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.

FOR THE STORE. JO...

JO, RAYMOND ISN'T GONNA
LET ME LOSE THE STORE.

MRS. G, YOU TRUST EVERYBODY.

MRS. GARRETT, YOU HAVE TO THINK
OF A WAY TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE.

I'M TRYING, I'M TRYING!

A LUAU IN PEEKSKILL. I LOVE IT.

WELL, THEY WERE JUST
IN HAWAII LAST YEAR.

AND I HOPE THIS REMINDS THEM

OF ALL THE GOOD TIMES THEY HAD.

I JUST HOPE IT WORKS.

BETTER WORK, OR
WE'LL BE OUT OF WORK.

HERE IT IS.

DON HO SINGS TINY
BUBBLES... AGAIN.

"RECORDED IN FULL MONAURAL."

OH, THAT'S PERFECT.

THEY DON'T MAKE THEM
LIKE THIS ANYMORE.

THEY DON'T HAVE TO.

BLAIR!

CALL ME REALISTIC,

BUT I DON'T THINK TINY
BUBBLES IS THE ANSWER.

BLAIR, MRS. G IS
TRYING VERY HARD

TO GET THOSE TWO WONDERFUL
KIDS BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.

THE LEAST YOU CAN
DO IS COOPERATE.

I AM.

I EVEN GOT THE LITTLE
UMBRELLAS FOR THE PINA COLADAS.

TERRIFIC! OHH!

WHERE DID YOU EVER FIND THEM?

IN A TOY STORE.

THEY'RE PART OF BARBIE AND KEN'S

PATIO FURNITURE ENSEMBLE.

HERE'S THE POI.

AW, MRS. G, YOU
BETTER LOOK AT THIS.

I THINK NATALIE SCREWED IT UP.

OHH... NO. THAT'S FINE.

IT'S GRAY, PASTY, AND LUMPY.

PERFECT.

PEOPLE ACTUALLY
EAT THAT IN HAWAII?

NO WONDER THEY WERE
THE LAST STATE ADMITTED.

I STILL THINK WE'RE
WASTING OUR TIME.

IF SHE WANTS TO
LEAVE HIM, SHE WILL.

WHAT'S THAT?

"HAWAIIAN ORCHID"
ROOM DEODORIZER.

THE ISLAND HOLIDAY IN A CAN.

THEY'RE HERE. GET READY!

HI... HELLO!

WHERE'S DORIS?

SHE'S REPARKING THE CAR.

IT SEEMS I DIDN'T GET QUITE
CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE CURB.

AHEM! SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHY DOES THIS PLACE
SMELL LIKE MY BATHROOM?

SEE, RAYMOND, NOW
THAT'S A PARKED CAR.

WELL, WELCOME TO THE ISLANDS!

YEAH! UH-HUH. ALOHA.

THERE YOU GO.

IT'S A HAWAIIAN LUAU.

I MAKE THEM JUST FOR
MY SPECIAL CUSTOMERS.

AH-CHOO! OH!

IS THAT WHY IT'S
SO WARM IN HERE?

TURN DOWN THE HEAT.

WELL, UH, SHALL WE SIT
DOWN AND HAVE OUR DRINKS?

DORIS.

RAYMOND.

ICE COLD PINA COLADAS.

OH, THIS SHOULD
COOL YOU OFF, DORIS.

I MADE THEM MYSELF.

I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THEM.

WHEN WE WERE IN
HAWAII, THEY MADE THESE

WITH FRESH PINEAPPLE JUICE.

THAT IS FRESH PINEAPPLE JUICE.

OH, IT TASTED A LITTLE
BIT LIKE CONCENTRATE.

MAYBE THE TAP WATER AT THE INN

KILLED MY TASTE BUDS.

AH-CHOO!

IT WAS RUSTY.

AT THOSE PRICES, I DON'T NEED...

AH-CHOO! RUSTY WATER.

AH-CHOO!

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE IT OFF?

NO, NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

WELL, THEN, TAKE A PILL, OR
DID YOU FORGET THEM AGAIN?

SHE'S ALLERGIC TO FLOWERS.

OH, I'M SO SORRY. OH, OH...

SHE FORGOT TO PACK
HER ALLERGY MEDICINE

WHEN WE WENT TO HAWAII, TOO.

WE WERE MISERABLE
THE WHOLE WEEK.

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING,

AND SHE FORGETS TO PACK THEM.

JO, WHY DON'T YOU
TURN ON SOME MUSIC?

OH, LOOK, HONEY, IT'S DON HO.

REMEMBER THAT NIGHT?

SOUNDS LIKE A SPECIAL MEMORY.

OH, YEAH, IT RANKS
RIGHT UP THERE

WITH MY ALLERGY PILLS.

OH, DEAR.

IT WAS THAT LAST NIGHT OF
THAT SPECIAL WEEK IN HAWAII,

WE WENT TO SEE DON HO IN PERSON.

WE GOT THERE EARLY, AND RAYMOND
STARTED DRINKING PINA COLADAS

AND SHOVELING IN THE POI.

JO, MAYBE WE COULD PUT
ON SOME DIFFERENT MUSIC.

HE THREW UP.

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF TINY BUBBLES.

HE STOPPED THE SHOW.

I'M SURE WE ALL ENJOYED
HEARING ABOUT THAT.

JUST AS MUCH AS WE ENJOYED
HEARING ABOUT MY ALLERGIES.

THAT WAS DIFFERENT.

AT LEAST I DIDN'T STOP THE SHOW.

I DON'T HAVE TO STAY
HERE AND BE HUMILIATED

IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY!

IT'S NOT YOUR FAMILY.

IT'S JUST YOUR MOTHER!

NICE GOING, MRS. G.

UM... AHEM.

NATALIE WAS MASHING
ALL AFTERNOON.

I COULDN'T SEE THIS GO TO WASTE.

EDNA... I'M LEAVING RAYMOND.

I THINK IT'S TIME YOU KNEW.

RAYMOND TOLD ME.

OF COURSE.

HE TELLS HIS MOTHER EVERYTHING.

OH, DORIS.

WHY DO YOU THINK I
ARRANGED THIS DUMB LUAU?

I WAS TRYING TO GET
YOU TWO BACK TOGETHER.

WHY?

YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE ME.

I'VE ALWAYS LIKED YOU, DORIS.

WAY DOWN DEEP.

I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT

YOU WERE GOOD FOR RAYMOND.

THANK YOU.

I KNOW THAT WAS PAINFUL FOR YOU.

OH, DORIS.

MAYBE IF YOU AND RAYMOND

COULD JUST TALK THINGS OVER.

RAYMOND DOESN'T TALK.

HE WRITES MEMOS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I GET NOTES.

"SEE NO REASON TO
BUY A NEW HOUSE.

PLEASE FEED CAT. R.G."

R.G.?

AND HE TYPES THEM.

WELL, UH...

I CAN SEE WHERE THAT
MIGHT BE ANNOYING.

THERE IS ONE THING
WE DO TALK ABOUT.

MONEY.

I SAY, "LET'S BUY THIS,"
OR, "LET'S DO THAT,"

AND HE SAYS, "NO."

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

HAWAII WASN'T A "NO."
HAWAII WAS A "YES"!

THE ONLY REASON WE WENT
WAS RAYMOND DID THE BOOKS

FOR A TRAVEL AGENCY AND GOT
A FREE TRIP TO HAWAII IN TRADE.

THAT WAY, HE DIDN'T
HAVE TO PAY ANY TAXES.

WELL, MAYBE RAYMOND'S
A LITTLE THRIFTY.

BUT AT LEAST HE KNOWS

THE VALUE OF A DOLLAR.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT A
DOLLAR HAS NO VALUE

IF YOU NEVER SPEND IT.

SO DID I.

OH, BUT RAYMOND WORKS SO HARD

FOR HIS MONEY.

WORKS HARD?

HE KILLS HIMSELF.

HE'S IN THE OFFICE
SOMETIMES 16 HOURS A DAY.

HE GETS NO EXERCISE.

I FINALLY GOT HIM TO
GO FOR A PHYSICAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE
DOCTOR TOLD HIM?

NO, WHAT?

"TAKE SOME TIME OFF,
GET SOME EXERCISE,

LOSE SOME WEIGHT."

SO FAR, HE'S "O" -FOR-THREE.

I GUESS PEANUT BUTTER CROISSANTS

DON'T EXACTLY HELP HIS DIET.

OH, IT'S NOT JUST... YOUR FAULT.

HE'S COMPULSIVE
ABOUT EVERYTHING...

EATING, WORKING.

ESPECIALLY WORKING.

OH, BUT HE... HE'S TRYING
TO BE A GOOD PROVIDER.

HE IS.

HE PROVIDES EVERYTHING...
BUT TIME FOR US.

AND BEING ALONE GETS LONELY.

BUT I AM AN INTELLIGENT,
RESOURCEFUL PERSON.

I AM, YOU KNOW.

SO I DECIDED TO DO
SOMETHING WITH MY TIME.

WELL... GOOD FOR YOU.

RAYMOND SET YOU UP IN BUSINESS,

SO I ASKED HIM TO
DO THAT FOR ME.

THERE WAS A VACANCY IN
ONE OF THE BUILDINGS HE OWNS.

IT WAS PERFECT PLACE
FOR A CHILDREN'S BOUTIQUE.

OOH, SOUNDS GOOD.

BUT HE SAID NO.

TOO MUCH OF A RISK.

WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.

WASN'T THIS STORE A RISK?

OH, NO. I'M A RISK.

MOM'S AN INVESTMENT.

OH, DORIS.

NO WONDER YOU HATE ME.

I NEVER HATED YOU.

WAY DOWN DEEP.

MRS. G, IF THAT GUY
WASN'T YOUR SON,

HE'D BE WALKING AROUND
WITH A LEDGER UP HIS NOSE.

WELL, WHAT'S WRONG?

WELL, I TOOK HIM A CROISSANT.

THAT KEPT HIM BUSY
FOR ABOUT ONE GULP.

SO THEN I FIGURED
I'D ENTERTAIN HIM.

SO I SHOWED HIM THE BOOKS.

THAT'S WHEN HE TURNED ON ME.

AH, THERE YOU ARE.

LET ME JUST SHOW
YOU WHAT I MEAN.

YOU SEE, EXPENSES
SHOULD BE IN BLUE INK.

I USED BLUE INK.

YEAH, UH-HUH,
BUT IT'S DARK BLUE.

IT LOOKS BLACK.

WHO CARES?

WELL, YOU DO WANT TO
GET IT RIGHT, DON'T YOU?

EXCUSE ME. I HAVE
TO GO LIGHTEN MY INK.

ACCOUNTANCY IS A
HARD TASKMASTER.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SHE'S A RISK?

AH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT JO, SHE'LL BE FINE.

NOT JO. DORIS!

THE WOMAN WHO'S LEAVING YOU.

AND YOU KNOW WHY?

SHE THINKS I'M CHEAP.

YOU ARE.

WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT THIS

WHEN YOU'VE
CALMED DOWN A LITTLE.

RAYMOND! WE'LL TALK NOW.

YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE
REASONS I DIVORCED YOUR FATHER

WAS THAT HE SPENT ALL OUR MONEY

AND THERE WAS
NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE ON.

BUT, MOM, I'M NOT LIKE THAT.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU DON'T GAMBLE IT
AWAY, YOU SOCK IT AWAY.

BUT STILL, THERE'S
NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE ON.

THE MONEY IS THERE
WHEN WE NEED IT.

WE NEED IT NOW.

THE DOCTOR TOLD YOU
TO TAKE SOME TIME OFF.

THAT IS ALL I EVER
HEAR FROM YOU!

YOU HEAR IT, BUT
YOU NEVER LISTEN.

THIS IS POINTLESS.

DID I TEACH YOU THAT?

DID I TEACH YOU IT WAS
POINTLESS TO COMMUNICATE?

DORIS IS RIGHT.

WHY ARE YOU TAKING HER SIDE?

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD SON.

BUT A LOUSY HUSBAND.

WHY? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I MADE A LIST.

DID YOU HEAR THAT, MOM?

SHE MADE A LIST.

HIT IT, DORIS.

I WANT YOU TO TAKE
A REAL VACATION.

WHAT WAS HAWAII?

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT
SITTING BEHIND A CALCULATOR

DOESN'T MEAN
YOU'RE ON A VACATION.

WELL... MAYBE I CAN
WORK OUT A TRADE

WITH A TRAVEL AGENCY.

THAT WAY, I WONT
HAVE TO PAY TAXES.

I WANT YOU TO PAY TAXES.

DORIS, I'M AN ACCOUNTANT!

YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE ASKING!

SHE'S ASKING IF YOU WANT TO
TRY AND SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

WELL, DO YOU?

YES.

THEN PAY TAXES.

AND, DORIS, GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD.

TELL HIM HOW YOU WANT TO
OPEN A CHILDREN'S BOUTIQUE.

RAYMOND, IF IT DOESN'T PAY OFF,

WE CAN ALWAYS SELL IT...
HOW MUCH COULD WE LOSE?

A LOT.

BUT IT'S A GOOD WRITE-OFF!

AND SHE WANTS YOU TO
WORK REGULAR HOURS,

LIKE OTHER PEOPLE.

I JUST WANT US TO HAVE
MORE TIME TOGETHER.

AND NO MORE MEMOS.

DORIS... YOU'RE
ASKING ME TO CHANGE...

A LOT.

I KNOW.

BUT YOU'LL SEE I CAN BE

A MUCH NICER PERSON, TOO.

I REMEMBER WHEN WE BOTH WERE.

I JUST WANT US TO BE HAPPY.

THAT'S ALL I WANT.

AND ALL I WANT IS GRANDCHILDREN.

NO WORRY, RAYMOND.
THEY'RE DEDUCTIBLE!

♪ YOU'LL AVOID A LOT OF DAMAGE ♪

♪ AND ENJOY THE
FUN OF MANAGING ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE,
THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪

♪ IF YOU HEAR 'EM
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪

♪ BETTER CLEAR 'EM
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪

♪ BETTER GET 'EM RIGHT,
CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪

♪ YOU GOT THE FUTURE IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HAND ♪

♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO
TO GET YOU THROUGH ♪

♪ IS UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ YOU THINK YOU'D
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪

♪ YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT
THROUGH WITHOUT THE TRUTH ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ LEARNING THE FACTS OF... ♪♪