The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 4, Episode 12 - A Royal Pain - full transcript
An obnoxious young heiress enrolls at Eastland.
♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪
♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪
♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪
OEDIPUS REX, A
GORY GREEK TRAGEDY,
TOOTIE WANTS TO PUT IT TO MUSIC!
IT'LL NEVER WORK.
NO WONDER NOBODY'S
ATTENDING YOUR PLAY.
THE CONCEPT IS WEIRD!
I WANTED TO DO
SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
DIFFERENT? IT'S BIZARRE.
MORE THAN BIZARRE, IT'S SICK.
OEDIPUS KILLED HIS FATHER,
MARRIED HIS MOTHER,
AND PUT OUT HIS EYES!
WELL, IT'S NOT A MUSICAL COMEDY.
I NEED A SLOGAN TO SELL TICKETS.
I'LL GET PEOPLE TO COME.
HOW?
THEY'LL COME.
HOW ARE THE
COSTUMES COMING, BLAIR?
GREAT. OEDIPUS WILL
WEAR THIS WHILE SINGING
I WANT A GIRL JUST LIKE THE
GIRL THAT MARRIED DEAR OLD DAD.
I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET A NEW STUDENT.
WHICH BAG IS SHE IN?
CIAO, EVERYONE.
CIAO? JUST WHAT I
NEED... A BLAIR CLONE.
ALEXANDRA LAMBERTI,
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
TOOTIE, NATALIE,
JO, AND BLAIR.
ALEXANDRA... HAVEN'T WE MET?
I DOUBT IT.
IN THIS, OUR DINING HALL,
WHERE THE GIRLS EAT, GOSSIP,
AND BECOME FOOD CRITICS.
THE MEALS AREN'T HALF BAD...
FOR PRISON FOOD.
YOU LOOK SO FAMILIAR.
REALLY?
ALEXANDRA HASN'T BEEN
ASSIGNED A ROOM UNTIL TOMORROW,
SO I OFFERED TO PUT HER UP HERE.
SURE, STAY IN OUR ROOM.
WAIT!
I KNOW YOU.
YOU DO?
I SAW YOUR PICTURE IN TOWN &
COUNTRY PLAYING TENNIS IN NICE.
I WASN'T REALLY PLAYING TENNIS.
I WAS JUST PRACTICING
MY BACKHAND WITH BJORN.
BJORN?
YOU MEAN BJORN BORG?
TOOTIE, THERE ARE
NO OTHER BJORNS.
BLAIR, WHO IS SHE?
ALEXANDRA IS THE DAUGHTER
OF PRINCE FEDERICO OF ITALY.
YOU'RE A PRINCESS?
YES, I AM.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
PLEASE, LET US BE
THE JUDGE OF THAT.
TOOTIE, A PRINCESS!
NOT EXACTLY A PRINCESS.
THERE IS NO KING
OF ITALY ANYMORE.
EXILED ITALIAN ROYALTY ISN'T
EXACTLY EARTHSHAKING, IS IT?
YOU BET IT IS!
ALEXANDRA, IS YOUR FATHER
REALLY PRINCE FEDERICO?
UNLESS HE'S BEEN LYING.
THEN YOUR MOTHER
IS PRINCESS JULIE!
PRINCESS? PLEASE.
SHE WAS AN AIRLINE
STEWARDESS FROM OHIO.
THAT'S WHAT'S SO EXCITING.
IT'S A CINDERELLA
STORY COME TRUE.
I WAS VISITING EUROPE
WHEN YOUR PARENTS MARRIED.
I HAVE THEIR HEADS ON A PLATE!
PICTURES... OF THEIR HEADS.
I CAN'T STAND IT.
OUR OWN PRINCESS!
WE'LL NEVER COME
CLOSER TO PRINCESS DI.
WE WATCHED HER WEDDING ON TV
I WATCHED PRINCESS DI'S WEDDING.
IT'S ALWAYS SMART TO
CHECK OUT THE COMPETITION.
PRINCESS DI... NOW
THERE'S A REAL PRINCESS.
WEREN'T YOU GLUED TO THE SET?
I'D HAVE PREFERRED
WATCHING ON TV.
IT WAS SO CROWDED IN THE
CHURCH YOU COULDN'T SEE MUCH.
THEN I HAD TO ATTEND THE
RECEPTION AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE.
YOU WERE AT
BUCK... BUCK... BUCK...
SHE'S GOING TO LAY AN EGG!
BLAIR.
DON'T BE JEALOUS.
JEALOUS?
HA HA HA HA!
THE WORD "JEALOUSY"
IS NOT IN MY VOCABULARY.
WELL, HERE'S TO JEALOUSY!
SO YOU'RE A PRINCESS, HUH?
DID YOU GET ANY OF
THE FAMILY'S JEWELS?
A FEW.
GOOD, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO BUY LOTS
OF TICKETS TO THE SCHOOL PLAY.
WHAT'S THE PLAY?
DON'T ASK.
SURE. MY PARENTS WILL
BUY A COUPLE OF ROWS.
OH, GOOD.
I'M GOING TO DIE.
THE ROYAL FAMILY AT MY PLAY!
THEY'LL BUY TICKETS,
BUT THEY WON'T COME.
WHAT YOU MEAN THEY'RE
NOT COMING TO MY PLAY?
WELL, AS MY PARENTS ALWAYS SAY,
"BOARDING SCHOOLS
ARE GREAT FOR LIVING,
BUT THEY WOULDN'T VISIT."
GIRLS, IF WE MOVE THE LUGGAGE,
WE MIGHT HAVE ROOM FOR LUNCH.
TAKE ALEXANDRA UPSTAIRS.
HERE YOU GO.
WHICH WAY IS UPSTAIRS?
THIS WAY TO THE ROYAL DUNGEON.
PICK UP A SUITCASE.
YOU GOT ARMS.
I WILL NOT!
NO ONE HERE EVER HELPS
ME WITH MY LUGGAGE.
LISTEN, WE'RE TALKING
PRINCESS HERE.
YOU SAID YOURSELF THERE'S A
CERTAIN SOCIAL PECKING ORDER.
YOU'RE NOT BIG BIRD ANYMORE.
WHICH BED IS MINE?
THERE YOU GO.
WHAT WILL I DO WITH THIS?
ROLL IT OUT AND SLEEP ON IT.
THINK YOU'LL BE COMFORTABLE?
COMFORTABLE ENOUGH.
IT'S ONLY FOR ONE NIGHT.
SHOULDN'T THESE THINGS
BE STUFFED WITH SOMETHING?
YEAH. YOU!
WHY DON'T I USE THE
SLEEPING BAG TONIGHT?
I COULDN'T ALLOW THAT.
OF COURSE YOU COULD.
I... IS THIS YOUR BED?
INSIST. IT'S YOURS NOW.
EXETER, MISS PORTER'S,
FOXCROFT, GROTON.
WHAT A TERRIFIC
PENNANT COLLECTION.
I'VE BEEN KICKED OUT
OF SOME OF THE
COUNTRY'S BEST SCHOOLS.
YOU WERE EXPELLED
FROM FOUR SCHOOLS?
THIS YEAR.
HOW COME?
OH... STUFF.
I DON'T MEAN TO SPOIL YOUR FUN.
I KNOW. YOU CAN'T HELP YOURSELF.
IT'S TIME TO SET UP FOR LUNCH.
I'M NOT SERVING THE TUNA.
LAST TIME I DID, I SMELLED
LIKE LOW TIDE FOR DAYS.
YOU GIRLS WORK IN THE CAFETERIA?
YEAH. WE SERVE AND CLEAN UP.
DON'T THEY HAVE
PEOPLE TO DO THAT?
YEAH, US.
BUT WHY?
WE ONLY DO IT FOR THE MONEY.
THEY DO IT FOR THE MONEY.
I JUST DO IT 'CAUSE IT'S FUN.
I'LL INTRODUCE ALEX TO EVERYONE.
SHE'S SLEEPING ON MY BUNK.
I'LL INTRODUCE HER...
UNLESS YOU'LL
SLEEP ON THE FLOOR.
ARE YOU SURE SHE DOESN'T
WANT ANYTHING TO EAT?
YEAH. SHE WAS TIRED.
SHE'S LYING DOWN.
ON MY BUNK.
SHE'S HAD A LONG TRIP.
I WISH SHE'D EAT.
DON'T WORRY. YOU KNOW
HOW FUSSY PRINCESSES ARE.
SHE PROBABLY EATS LIKE A BIRD.
FANTASTIC! JUST WHAT I NEEDED.
THE SUB SHOP HERE IS
AS TERRIFIC AS GROTON'S.
GREAT. WE'LL HAVE
SOME FUN TIMES HERE.
WELL, MAYBE... MAYBE NOT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MAYBE NOT?
YOU THINK GROTON WAS BAD?
YOU SHOULD SEE WHERE
MY FOLKS STUCK ME THIS TIME.
IT'S LIKE A MILITARY ACADEMY.
IT IS A MILITARY ACADEMY.
AT LEAST YOU'LL BE CLOSE BY.
MAYBE... MAYBE NOT.
GREG!
ALEX, I'M... I'M SPLITTING.
YOU JUST GOT THERE.
I CAN'T HACK IT THERE.
IT'S LIKE A JAIL.
WHAT WILL I DO?
COME WITH ME.
I JUST GOT HERE.
I DON'T HAVE MY OWN BED YET.
I FIGURED I'D CHECK
THIS PLACE OUT.
WHAT'S TO CHECK OUT?
THESE SCHOOLS ARE ALL ALIKE.
I GUESS.
WHAT'S KEEPING YOU HERE?
YOU'RE NOT DOING
IT FOR YOUR PARENTS.
WELL, I AM STILL PACKED.
ARE YOU AWAKE?
BOY, ARE YOU AWAKE!
HEY, TOOTIE, THIS IS GREG.
HOW YOU DOING?
YOU CAN'T BE HERE.
GREG AND I ARE SUPER CLOSE.
WHO CARES? HE CAN'T BE HERE.
ALEX, WE'VE GOT RULES.
WE RAN AWAY FROM
GROTON TOGETHER.
YOU WEREN'T KICKED
OUT OF GROTON?
I WOULD HAVE IF
I'D STUCK AROUND.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET
KICKED OUT OF HERE.
I GUESS I'LL LEAVE.
DON'T GUESS. JUST LEAVE.
OK. HOW DO I GET OUT?
HOW DID YOU GET IN?
I CLIMBED THE IVY.
THEN THAT'S HOW
YOU'RE GOING OUT.
IT WILL HOLD YOU.
MAYBE... MAYBE NOT.
I'LL BE AT THE BUS
STATION AT MIDNIGHT.
MAYBE I'LL GO TO
PHOENIX THIS TIME.
SEE YOU TONIGHT... I HOPE.
GET OUT OF HERE!
YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO RUN AWAY WITH HIM.
WHY NOT?
HOW CAN YOU?
EASY. GRAB A BAG, GET ON A BUS,
AND KEEP GOING UNTIL
YOU'RE HAULED BACK.
YOUR PARENTS WILL
BE WORRIED TO DEATH.
I'VE RUN AWAY FROM
LOTS OF SCHOOLS.
IT'S ALWAYS WEEKS BEFORE
THEY NOTICE I'M GONE.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S HERE.
I KNOW WHAT'S
HERE. NO, YOU DON'T.
ALEX, THIS IS A TERRIFIC PLACE.
WE HAVE GREAT TIMES HERE.
YOU'LL SEE.
OH, YOU DIDN'T TOUCH YOUR SOUP.
WHEN YOU GETTING YOUR UNIFORM?
SHE'S WAITING FOR THE
MATCHING TIARA TO COME IN.
THAT'S WHAT WE'LL DO...
GET YOUR UNIFORM.
YOU'LL LOVE IT.
IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL SO... HERE.
IT'LL WAIT TILL TOMORROW.
WHO KNOWS WHERE
YOU'LL BE TOMORROW?
YOU COULD BE IN THE LIBRARY,
AT THE BOOKSTORE, IN THE GYM.
GO GET YOUR UNIFORM. PLEASE?
SHE HAS A UNIFORM FETISH.
HAVE I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER?
THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.
CLOSE!
ALEX, YOUR PARENTS
ARE COMING UP.
TERRIFIC! YOU'RE KIDDING!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
A MAN JUST CALLED.
HE HAD A WONDERFUL ACCENT
AND SOUNDED VERY HANDSOME.
THAT'S ALPHONSO.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
HE SAID, "HIS ROYAL
HIGHNESS, PRINCE FEDERICO,
"AND PRINCESS JULIE
"ARE ARRIVING AT 8 TO
TAKE THEIR DAUGHTER,
"WHOM THEY MISS VERY
MUCH, OUT TO DINNER."
MY PARENTS ARE COMING HERE?
TONIGHT?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
SHE NEVER KIDS
ABOUT PHONE CALLS.
OH, WOW!
WHAT SHOULD I WEAR?
I'LL WEAR MY SCHOOL UNIFORM.
ALL RIGHT!
ALEX, THAT'S GREAT!
LET'S GET YOUR UNIFORM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE MY PARENTS
ARE ACTUALLY COMING.
PRINCESS JULIE, HERE! I'LL DIE.
AND PRINCE FEDERICO!
OH, MOVE OVER, NATALIE.
WE'LL HAVE ADJOINING PLOTS.
OH, MRS. GARRETT.
I WANT THIS EVENING PERFECT.
WHERE COULD WE HAVE DINNER
AND NOT BE BOTHERED?
WELL... I'D BETTER HANDLE THIS.
WE BELONG TO THE
LOCAL COUNTRY CLUB.
MOTHER FINDS IT QUITE ADEQUATE.
DADDY WOULDN'T.
OH, HE CAN BE SUCH A SNOB
ABOUT INSTITUTIONAL FOOD.
WELL, I DO KNOW A PLACE,
A PLACE THAT MIGHT BE NICE.
CHEZ EDNA.
I'M EDNA.
YOU MEAN HERE?
SURE. AFTER THE
REGULAR SCHOOL DINNER.
IT'LL BE COZY AND QUIET
AND NOT INSTITUTIONAL FOOD.
I'VE LEARNED THE ART
OF HAUTE CUISINE IN PARIS.
I THINK CHEZ EDNA
WOULD BE PERFECT...
IF YOU'D ALL JOIN US.
I THINK THEY COULD BE COAXED.
THANK YOU!
OH, DEAR.
DO YOU THINK THE
TABLE LOOKS ALL RIGHT?
I THINK IT LOOKS ALL RIGHT.
THE TABLE LOOKS FINE.
WILL THEY NOTICE THE
FINGER BOWLS ARE EGG CUPS?
NOT IF HE DUNKS HIS
FINGERS SEPARATELY.
GIRLS, DON'T FORGET
WHAT I TOLD YOU.
DURING THE SOUP COURSE,
THINK OF YOUR SPOON
AS A LITTLE SAILBOAT.
A LITTLE SAILBOAT?
YES.
NOTICE. IT SAILS OUT TO SEA,
THEN BACK TO HOME PORT.
AND REMEMBER. IT'S NOT
A SLOOP, SO DON'T SLURP.
WORDS TO LIVE BY.
ONE MORE TIP.
WHEN YOU BUTTER BREAD,
BREAK OFF A PIECE AND BUTTER IT,
RATHER THAN THE WHOLE SLICE.
SHORT ON BUTTER, HUH?
RIGHT.
I WOULDN'T MISS
THIS FOR THE WORLD.
OUR JO, EATING WITH ROYALTY.
BLAIR, SMALL COMMENT
BEFORE THEY GET HERE.
SURE.
ONE SNICKER AND
YOU'RE DEAD MEAT.
NATURALLY.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
OH, ALEX, YOU LOOK LIKE
THE PERFECT EASTLAND GIRL.
I HOPE IT WASN'T MUCH TROUBLE.
TROUBLE? I JUST WHIPPED
UP A LITTLE QUICHE,
SOME LOBSTER AU BECHAMEL,
AND MY TRADITIONAL
CHOCOLATE MOUSSE.
I KNOW THAT SOUND.
THAT CAN ONLY BE A ROLLS ROYCE.
VINTAGE MODEL.
PROBABLY A '59 LIMO.
VERY FUNNY, BLAIR.
SHE'S RIGHT!
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.
I'LL GREET THEM.
YOU BOW AND SCRAPE.
OK. WE'RE DOING IT.
ALL RIGHT.
OH.
OH, ALEXANDRA.
CAN WE LOOK UP NOW?
SURE. IT'S ALPHONSO.
HI, ALPHONSO.
ALEXANDRA, I AM
SORRY IT IS ONLY ME
INSTEAD OF YOUR PARENTS.
IT WAS UNAVOIDABLE.
I KNOW.
EVERYONE, THIS IS ALPHONSO.
THESE ARE MY FRIENDS.
HI.
ALPHONSO VALENTE, THE
PRINCE'S CHARGE D'AFFAIRES.
EDNA GARRETT, THE
SCHOOL DIETITIAN.
CHARMED.
IT IT MY VERY GREAT PLEASURE.
I KNOW I AM A POOR SUBSTITUTE.
NOT NECESSARILY.
BUT YOUR PARENTS WERE
INVITED TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
WILLIE NELSON IS ENTERTAINING.
IT WAS A LAST-MINUTE THING.
ALEXANDRA, THAT IS A SHAME.
OH, IT'S OK. THESE
THINGS HAPPEN.
WELL, SIGNORE VALENTE.
AH, YOU SPEAK ITALIAN.
OH, UN POQUISSIMO.
WELL, ACTUALLY,
YOU'VE INSPIRED ME.
WE'D LOVE IT IF YOU
STAYED FOR DINNER.
OH, BUT I COULDN'T.
OH, BUT YOU MUST.
IT WILL BE MY PLEASURE TO
DINE ON YOUR SCHOOL FOOD.
THEN I CAN TELL HIS HIGHNESS
WHAT ALEXANDRA IS EATING.
OK, ALFIE. WHAT DO YOU
SAY LET'S CHOW DOWN?
OUCH!
SORRY. I FORGOT YOU WERE THERE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GO BACK TO SLEEP.
YOU'RE STANDING ON MY FACE!
ALEX IS GETTING AWAY.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
KEEP IT DOWN. YOU'RE
DISTURBING MY BEAUTY SLEEP.
AND YOU REALLY NEED IT.
WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
THOSE RATS, THEY'RE
PROBABLY IN THE KITCHEN
POLISHING OFF THE
CHOCOLATE MOUSSE.
I HAD DIBS ON THAT
FOR BREAKFAST.
THERE'S NOTHING TO
TALK ABOUT. I'M LEAVING.
YOU'RE WHAT?
SHE'S RUNNING AWAY.
SHE CAN'T DO THAT.
YES, SHE CAN.
SHE DOES IT A LOT.
WHY DO YOU DO THAT?
THAT'S WHAT CHRONIC RUNAWAYS DO.
ALL RIGHT, WHO'S GOT MY MOUSSE?
NOBODY HERE.
IT'S NOT IN THE ICEBOX.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHY ARE YOU WEARING YOUR HAT?
AND YOUR CLOTHES?
'CAUSE SHE'S RUNNING AWAY.
OH, DEAR.
WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?
I'LL WRITE FROM PHOENIX.
I'VE GOT A BUS TO CATCH.
ALEX, YOU CAN'T KEEP
RUNNING AWAY FOREVER.
I CAN IF I WANT TO.
I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET ABOUT YOUR
PARENTS NOT SHOWING UP AGAIN.
AGAIN?
ALWAYS.
THAT'S NO REASON TO RUN AWAY.
I'LL SAY.
IF IT WERE, I'D BE
QUEEN OF THE ROAD.
I HAVE THREE FATHERS
WHO NEVER SHOW UP.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHY ARE YOU UP?
OH, I NEEDED SOMETHING
FOR MY STOMACH.
I TOOK A FEW LEFTOVERS TO BED,
AND THEY'RE NOT
SITTING TOO WELL.
DID YOU EAT MY MOUSSE?
I'M SORRY, JO.
I MEAN REALLY SORRY.
THAT MOUSSE IS JUST LAYING
THERE, ANTLERS AND ALL.
WHY IS SHE DRESSED?
ALEX, YOU EXPLAIN IT. I'M TIRED.
REMEMBER ME WHEN
I FIRST CAME HERE,
ALWAYS RUNNING AWAY FROM THINGS?
SHE'S AS BAD AS I WAS.
WORSE. SHE'S RUN AWAY
FROM FOUR SCHOOLS...
FIVE, IF YOU COUNT EASTLAND.
ALEX... DON'T YOU LIKE IT HERE?
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER I DO.
I HAVE TO GO.
WHY?
BECAUSE... I JUST
WANT TO BE SOME PLACE
WHERE I KNOW I BELONG.
WELL, THAT CAN'T HAPPEN
WHILE YOU'RE ALWAYS ON THE RUN.
PEOPLE HAVE TO GET TO KNOW YOU
BEFORE THEY CAN CARE ABOUT YOU.
THAT MEANS YOU HAVE
TO STICK AROUND A WHILE.
YEAH. LOOK AT US.
WE'RE DOWN HERE.
IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
WE'RE COLD, WE'RE
TIRED... WE'RE HUNGRY!
AND THIS POOR WOMAN HAS
A MOOSE IN HER STOMACH!
OH, YOU GUYS MAKE ME LAUGH.
SEE WHAT FUN WE ARE?
AND ONLY AFTER ONE DAY.
WANT TO TRY FOR TWO?
COME ON!
OHHH!
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪
♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪
♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪
OEDIPUS REX, A
GORY GREEK TRAGEDY,
TOOTIE WANTS TO PUT IT TO MUSIC!
IT'LL NEVER WORK.
NO WONDER NOBODY'S
ATTENDING YOUR PLAY.
THE CONCEPT IS WEIRD!
I WANTED TO DO
SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
DIFFERENT? IT'S BIZARRE.
MORE THAN BIZARRE, IT'S SICK.
OEDIPUS KILLED HIS FATHER,
MARRIED HIS MOTHER,
AND PUT OUT HIS EYES!
WELL, IT'S NOT A MUSICAL COMEDY.
I NEED A SLOGAN TO SELL TICKETS.
I'LL GET PEOPLE TO COME.
HOW?
THEY'LL COME.
HOW ARE THE
COSTUMES COMING, BLAIR?
GREAT. OEDIPUS WILL
WEAR THIS WHILE SINGING
I WANT A GIRL JUST LIKE THE
GIRL THAT MARRIED DEAR OLD DAD.
I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET A NEW STUDENT.
WHICH BAG IS SHE IN?
CIAO, EVERYONE.
CIAO? JUST WHAT I
NEED... A BLAIR CLONE.
ALEXANDRA LAMBERTI,
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
TOOTIE, NATALIE,
JO, AND BLAIR.
ALEXANDRA... HAVEN'T WE MET?
I DOUBT IT.
IN THIS, OUR DINING HALL,
WHERE THE GIRLS EAT, GOSSIP,
AND BECOME FOOD CRITICS.
THE MEALS AREN'T HALF BAD...
FOR PRISON FOOD.
YOU LOOK SO FAMILIAR.
REALLY?
ALEXANDRA HASN'T BEEN
ASSIGNED A ROOM UNTIL TOMORROW,
SO I OFFERED TO PUT HER UP HERE.
SURE, STAY IN OUR ROOM.
WAIT!
I KNOW YOU.
YOU DO?
I SAW YOUR PICTURE IN TOWN &
COUNTRY PLAYING TENNIS IN NICE.
I WASN'T REALLY PLAYING TENNIS.
I WAS JUST PRACTICING
MY BACKHAND WITH BJORN.
BJORN?
YOU MEAN BJORN BORG?
TOOTIE, THERE ARE
NO OTHER BJORNS.
BLAIR, WHO IS SHE?
ALEXANDRA IS THE DAUGHTER
OF PRINCE FEDERICO OF ITALY.
YOU'RE A PRINCESS?
YES, I AM.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
PLEASE, LET US BE
THE JUDGE OF THAT.
TOOTIE, A PRINCESS!
NOT EXACTLY A PRINCESS.
THERE IS NO KING
OF ITALY ANYMORE.
EXILED ITALIAN ROYALTY ISN'T
EXACTLY EARTHSHAKING, IS IT?
YOU BET IT IS!
ALEXANDRA, IS YOUR FATHER
REALLY PRINCE FEDERICO?
UNLESS HE'S BEEN LYING.
THEN YOUR MOTHER
IS PRINCESS JULIE!
PRINCESS? PLEASE.
SHE WAS AN AIRLINE
STEWARDESS FROM OHIO.
THAT'S WHAT'S SO EXCITING.
IT'S A CINDERELLA
STORY COME TRUE.
I WAS VISITING EUROPE
WHEN YOUR PARENTS MARRIED.
I HAVE THEIR HEADS ON A PLATE!
PICTURES... OF THEIR HEADS.
I CAN'T STAND IT.
OUR OWN PRINCESS!
WE'LL NEVER COME
CLOSER TO PRINCESS DI.
WE WATCHED HER WEDDING ON TV
I WATCHED PRINCESS DI'S WEDDING.
IT'S ALWAYS SMART TO
CHECK OUT THE COMPETITION.
PRINCESS DI... NOW
THERE'S A REAL PRINCESS.
WEREN'T YOU GLUED TO THE SET?
I'D HAVE PREFERRED
WATCHING ON TV.
IT WAS SO CROWDED IN THE
CHURCH YOU COULDN'T SEE MUCH.
THEN I HAD TO ATTEND THE
RECEPTION AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE.
YOU WERE AT
BUCK... BUCK... BUCK...
SHE'S GOING TO LAY AN EGG!
BLAIR.
DON'T BE JEALOUS.
JEALOUS?
HA HA HA HA!
THE WORD "JEALOUSY"
IS NOT IN MY VOCABULARY.
WELL, HERE'S TO JEALOUSY!
SO YOU'RE A PRINCESS, HUH?
DID YOU GET ANY OF
THE FAMILY'S JEWELS?
A FEW.
GOOD, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO BUY LOTS
OF TICKETS TO THE SCHOOL PLAY.
WHAT'S THE PLAY?
DON'T ASK.
SURE. MY PARENTS WILL
BUY A COUPLE OF ROWS.
OH, GOOD.
I'M GOING TO DIE.
THE ROYAL FAMILY AT MY PLAY!
THEY'LL BUY TICKETS,
BUT THEY WON'T COME.
WHAT YOU MEAN THEY'RE
NOT COMING TO MY PLAY?
WELL, AS MY PARENTS ALWAYS SAY,
"BOARDING SCHOOLS
ARE GREAT FOR LIVING,
BUT THEY WOULDN'T VISIT."
GIRLS, IF WE MOVE THE LUGGAGE,
WE MIGHT HAVE ROOM FOR LUNCH.
TAKE ALEXANDRA UPSTAIRS.
HERE YOU GO.
WHICH WAY IS UPSTAIRS?
THIS WAY TO THE ROYAL DUNGEON.
PICK UP A SUITCASE.
YOU GOT ARMS.
I WILL NOT!
NO ONE HERE EVER HELPS
ME WITH MY LUGGAGE.
LISTEN, WE'RE TALKING
PRINCESS HERE.
YOU SAID YOURSELF THERE'S A
CERTAIN SOCIAL PECKING ORDER.
YOU'RE NOT BIG BIRD ANYMORE.
WHICH BED IS MINE?
THERE YOU GO.
WHAT WILL I DO WITH THIS?
ROLL IT OUT AND SLEEP ON IT.
THINK YOU'LL BE COMFORTABLE?
COMFORTABLE ENOUGH.
IT'S ONLY FOR ONE NIGHT.
SHOULDN'T THESE THINGS
BE STUFFED WITH SOMETHING?
YEAH. YOU!
WHY DON'T I USE THE
SLEEPING BAG TONIGHT?
I COULDN'T ALLOW THAT.
OF COURSE YOU COULD.
I... IS THIS YOUR BED?
INSIST. IT'S YOURS NOW.
EXETER, MISS PORTER'S,
FOXCROFT, GROTON.
WHAT A TERRIFIC
PENNANT COLLECTION.
I'VE BEEN KICKED OUT
OF SOME OF THE
COUNTRY'S BEST SCHOOLS.
YOU WERE EXPELLED
FROM FOUR SCHOOLS?
THIS YEAR.
HOW COME?
OH... STUFF.
I DON'T MEAN TO SPOIL YOUR FUN.
I KNOW. YOU CAN'T HELP YOURSELF.
IT'S TIME TO SET UP FOR LUNCH.
I'M NOT SERVING THE TUNA.
LAST TIME I DID, I SMELLED
LIKE LOW TIDE FOR DAYS.
YOU GIRLS WORK IN THE CAFETERIA?
YEAH. WE SERVE AND CLEAN UP.
DON'T THEY HAVE
PEOPLE TO DO THAT?
YEAH, US.
BUT WHY?
WE ONLY DO IT FOR THE MONEY.
THEY DO IT FOR THE MONEY.
I JUST DO IT 'CAUSE IT'S FUN.
I'LL INTRODUCE ALEX TO EVERYONE.
SHE'S SLEEPING ON MY BUNK.
I'LL INTRODUCE HER...
UNLESS YOU'LL
SLEEP ON THE FLOOR.
ARE YOU SURE SHE DOESN'T
WANT ANYTHING TO EAT?
YEAH. SHE WAS TIRED.
SHE'S LYING DOWN.
ON MY BUNK.
SHE'S HAD A LONG TRIP.
I WISH SHE'D EAT.
DON'T WORRY. YOU KNOW
HOW FUSSY PRINCESSES ARE.
SHE PROBABLY EATS LIKE A BIRD.
FANTASTIC! JUST WHAT I NEEDED.
THE SUB SHOP HERE IS
AS TERRIFIC AS GROTON'S.
GREAT. WE'LL HAVE
SOME FUN TIMES HERE.
WELL, MAYBE... MAYBE NOT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MAYBE NOT?
YOU THINK GROTON WAS BAD?
YOU SHOULD SEE WHERE
MY FOLKS STUCK ME THIS TIME.
IT'S LIKE A MILITARY ACADEMY.
IT IS A MILITARY ACADEMY.
AT LEAST YOU'LL BE CLOSE BY.
MAYBE... MAYBE NOT.
GREG!
ALEX, I'M... I'M SPLITTING.
YOU JUST GOT THERE.
I CAN'T HACK IT THERE.
IT'S LIKE A JAIL.
WHAT WILL I DO?
COME WITH ME.
I JUST GOT HERE.
I DON'T HAVE MY OWN BED YET.
I FIGURED I'D CHECK
THIS PLACE OUT.
WHAT'S TO CHECK OUT?
THESE SCHOOLS ARE ALL ALIKE.
I GUESS.
WHAT'S KEEPING YOU HERE?
YOU'RE NOT DOING
IT FOR YOUR PARENTS.
WELL, I AM STILL PACKED.
ARE YOU AWAKE?
BOY, ARE YOU AWAKE!
HEY, TOOTIE, THIS IS GREG.
HOW YOU DOING?
YOU CAN'T BE HERE.
GREG AND I ARE SUPER CLOSE.
WHO CARES? HE CAN'T BE HERE.
ALEX, WE'VE GOT RULES.
WE RAN AWAY FROM
GROTON TOGETHER.
YOU WEREN'T KICKED
OUT OF GROTON?
I WOULD HAVE IF
I'D STUCK AROUND.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET
KICKED OUT OF HERE.
I GUESS I'LL LEAVE.
DON'T GUESS. JUST LEAVE.
OK. HOW DO I GET OUT?
HOW DID YOU GET IN?
I CLIMBED THE IVY.
THEN THAT'S HOW
YOU'RE GOING OUT.
IT WILL HOLD YOU.
MAYBE... MAYBE NOT.
I'LL BE AT THE BUS
STATION AT MIDNIGHT.
MAYBE I'LL GO TO
PHOENIX THIS TIME.
SEE YOU TONIGHT... I HOPE.
GET OUT OF HERE!
YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO RUN AWAY WITH HIM.
WHY NOT?
HOW CAN YOU?
EASY. GRAB A BAG, GET ON A BUS,
AND KEEP GOING UNTIL
YOU'RE HAULED BACK.
YOUR PARENTS WILL
BE WORRIED TO DEATH.
I'VE RUN AWAY FROM
LOTS OF SCHOOLS.
IT'S ALWAYS WEEKS BEFORE
THEY NOTICE I'M GONE.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S HERE.
I KNOW WHAT'S
HERE. NO, YOU DON'T.
ALEX, THIS IS A TERRIFIC PLACE.
WE HAVE GREAT TIMES HERE.
YOU'LL SEE.
OH, YOU DIDN'T TOUCH YOUR SOUP.
WHEN YOU GETTING YOUR UNIFORM?
SHE'S WAITING FOR THE
MATCHING TIARA TO COME IN.
THAT'S WHAT WE'LL DO...
GET YOUR UNIFORM.
YOU'LL LOVE IT.
IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL SO... HERE.
IT'LL WAIT TILL TOMORROW.
WHO KNOWS WHERE
YOU'LL BE TOMORROW?
YOU COULD BE IN THE LIBRARY,
AT THE BOOKSTORE, IN THE GYM.
GO GET YOUR UNIFORM. PLEASE?
SHE HAS A UNIFORM FETISH.
HAVE I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER?
THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.
CLOSE!
ALEX, YOUR PARENTS
ARE COMING UP.
TERRIFIC! YOU'RE KIDDING!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
A MAN JUST CALLED.
HE HAD A WONDERFUL ACCENT
AND SOUNDED VERY HANDSOME.
THAT'S ALPHONSO.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
HE SAID, "HIS ROYAL
HIGHNESS, PRINCE FEDERICO,
"AND PRINCESS JULIE
"ARE ARRIVING AT 8 TO
TAKE THEIR DAUGHTER,
"WHOM THEY MISS VERY
MUCH, OUT TO DINNER."
MY PARENTS ARE COMING HERE?
TONIGHT?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
SHE NEVER KIDS
ABOUT PHONE CALLS.
OH, WOW!
WHAT SHOULD I WEAR?
I'LL WEAR MY SCHOOL UNIFORM.
ALL RIGHT!
ALEX, THAT'S GREAT!
LET'S GET YOUR UNIFORM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE MY PARENTS
ARE ACTUALLY COMING.
PRINCESS JULIE, HERE! I'LL DIE.
AND PRINCE FEDERICO!
OH, MOVE OVER, NATALIE.
WE'LL HAVE ADJOINING PLOTS.
OH, MRS. GARRETT.
I WANT THIS EVENING PERFECT.
WHERE COULD WE HAVE DINNER
AND NOT BE BOTHERED?
WELL... I'D BETTER HANDLE THIS.
WE BELONG TO THE
LOCAL COUNTRY CLUB.
MOTHER FINDS IT QUITE ADEQUATE.
DADDY WOULDN'T.
OH, HE CAN BE SUCH A SNOB
ABOUT INSTITUTIONAL FOOD.
WELL, I DO KNOW A PLACE,
A PLACE THAT MIGHT BE NICE.
CHEZ EDNA.
I'M EDNA.
YOU MEAN HERE?
SURE. AFTER THE
REGULAR SCHOOL DINNER.
IT'LL BE COZY AND QUIET
AND NOT INSTITUTIONAL FOOD.
I'VE LEARNED THE ART
OF HAUTE CUISINE IN PARIS.
I THINK CHEZ EDNA
WOULD BE PERFECT...
IF YOU'D ALL JOIN US.
I THINK THEY COULD BE COAXED.
THANK YOU!
OH, DEAR.
DO YOU THINK THE
TABLE LOOKS ALL RIGHT?
I THINK IT LOOKS ALL RIGHT.
THE TABLE LOOKS FINE.
WILL THEY NOTICE THE
FINGER BOWLS ARE EGG CUPS?
NOT IF HE DUNKS HIS
FINGERS SEPARATELY.
GIRLS, DON'T FORGET
WHAT I TOLD YOU.
DURING THE SOUP COURSE,
THINK OF YOUR SPOON
AS A LITTLE SAILBOAT.
A LITTLE SAILBOAT?
YES.
NOTICE. IT SAILS OUT TO SEA,
THEN BACK TO HOME PORT.
AND REMEMBER. IT'S NOT
A SLOOP, SO DON'T SLURP.
WORDS TO LIVE BY.
ONE MORE TIP.
WHEN YOU BUTTER BREAD,
BREAK OFF A PIECE AND BUTTER IT,
RATHER THAN THE WHOLE SLICE.
SHORT ON BUTTER, HUH?
RIGHT.
I WOULDN'T MISS
THIS FOR THE WORLD.
OUR JO, EATING WITH ROYALTY.
BLAIR, SMALL COMMENT
BEFORE THEY GET HERE.
SURE.
ONE SNICKER AND
YOU'RE DEAD MEAT.
NATURALLY.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
OH, ALEX, YOU LOOK LIKE
THE PERFECT EASTLAND GIRL.
I HOPE IT WASN'T MUCH TROUBLE.
TROUBLE? I JUST WHIPPED
UP A LITTLE QUICHE,
SOME LOBSTER AU BECHAMEL,
AND MY TRADITIONAL
CHOCOLATE MOUSSE.
I KNOW THAT SOUND.
THAT CAN ONLY BE A ROLLS ROYCE.
VINTAGE MODEL.
PROBABLY A '59 LIMO.
VERY FUNNY, BLAIR.
SHE'S RIGHT!
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.
I'LL GREET THEM.
YOU BOW AND SCRAPE.
OK. WE'RE DOING IT.
ALL RIGHT.
OH.
OH, ALEXANDRA.
CAN WE LOOK UP NOW?
SURE. IT'S ALPHONSO.
HI, ALPHONSO.
ALEXANDRA, I AM
SORRY IT IS ONLY ME
INSTEAD OF YOUR PARENTS.
IT WAS UNAVOIDABLE.
I KNOW.
EVERYONE, THIS IS ALPHONSO.
THESE ARE MY FRIENDS.
HI.
ALPHONSO VALENTE, THE
PRINCE'S CHARGE D'AFFAIRES.
EDNA GARRETT, THE
SCHOOL DIETITIAN.
CHARMED.
IT IT MY VERY GREAT PLEASURE.
I KNOW I AM A POOR SUBSTITUTE.
NOT NECESSARILY.
BUT YOUR PARENTS WERE
INVITED TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
WILLIE NELSON IS ENTERTAINING.
IT WAS A LAST-MINUTE THING.
ALEXANDRA, THAT IS A SHAME.
OH, IT'S OK. THESE
THINGS HAPPEN.
WELL, SIGNORE VALENTE.
AH, YOU SPEAK ITALIAN.
OH, UN POQUISSIMO.
WELL, ACTUALLY,
YOU'VE INSPIRED ME.
WE'D LOVE IT IF YOU
STAYED FOR DINNER.
OH, BUT I COULDN'T.
OH, BUT YOU MUST.
IT WILL BE MY PLEASURE TO
DINE ON YOUR SCHOOL FOOD.
THEN I CAN TELL HIS HIGHNESS
WHAT ALEXANDRA IS EATING.
OK, ALFIE. WHAT DO YOU
SAY LET'S CHOW DOWN?
OUCH!
SORRY. I FORGOT YOU WERE THERE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GO BACK TO SLEEP.
YOU'RE STANDING ON MY FACE!
ALEX IS GETTING AWAY.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
KEEP IT DOWN. YOU'RE
DISTURBING MY BEAUTY SLEEP.
AND YOU REALLY NEED IT.
WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
THOSE RATS, THEY'RE
PROBABLY IN THE KITCHEN
POLISHING OFF THE
CHOCOLATE MOUSSE.
I HAD DIBS ON THAT
FOR BREAKFAST.
THERE'S NOTHING TO
TALK ABOUT. I'M LEAVING.
YOU'RE WHAT?
SHE'S RUNNING AWAY.
SHE CAN'T DO THAT.
YES, SHE CAN.
SHE DOES IT A LOT.
WHY DO YOU DO THAT?
THAT'S WHAT CHRONIC RUNAWAYS DO.
ALL RIGHT, WHO'S GOT MY MOUSSE?
NOBODY HERE.
IT'S NOT IN THE ICEBOX.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHY ARE YOU WEARING YOUR HAT?
AND YOUR CLOTHES?
'CAUSE SHE'S RUNNING AWAY.
OH, DEAR.
WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?
I'LL WRITE FROM PHOENIX.
I'VE GOT A BUS TO CATCH.
ALEX, YOU CAN'T KEEP
RUNNING AWAY FOREVER.
I CAN IF I WANT TO.
I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET ABOUT YOUR
PARENTS NOT SHOWING UP AGAIN.
AGAIN?
ALWAYS.
THAT'S NO REASON TO RUN AWAY.
I'LL SAY.
IF IT WERE, I'D BE
QUEEN OF THE ROAD.
I HAVE THREE FATHERS
WHO NEVER SHOW UP.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHY ARE YOU UP?
OH, I NEEDED SOMETHING
FOR MY STOMACH.
I TOOK A FEW LEFTOVERS TO BED,
AND THEY'RE NOT
SITTING TOO WELL.
DID YOU EAT MY MOUSSE?
I'M SORRY, JO.
I MEAN REALLY SORRY.
THAT MOUSSE IS JUST LAYING
THERE, ANTLERS AND ALL.
WHY IS SHE DRESSED?
ALEX, YOU EXPLAIN IT. I'M TIRED.
REMEMBER ME WHEN
I FIRST CAME HERE,
ALWAYS RUNNING AWAY FROM THINGS?
SHE'S AS BAD AS I WAS.
WORSE. SHE'S RUN AWAY
FROM FOUR SCHOOLS...
FIVE, IF YOU COUNT EASTLAND.
ALEX... DON'T YOU LIKE IT HERE?
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER I DO.
I HAVE TO GO.
WHY?
BECAUSE... I JUST
WANT TO BE SOME PLACE
WHERE I KNOW I BELONG.
WELL, THAT CAN'T HAPPEN
WHILE YOU'RE ALWAYS ON THE RUN.
PEOPLE HAVE TO GET TO KNOW YOU
BEFORE THEY CAN CARE ABOUT YOU.
THAT MEANS YOU HAVE
TO STICK AROUND A WHILE.
YEAH. LOOK AT US.
WE'RE DOWN HERE.
IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
WE'RE COLD, WE'RE
TIRED... WE'RE HUNGRY!
AND THIS POOR WOMAN HAS
A MOOSE IN HER STOMACH!
OH, YOU GUYS MAKE ME LAUGH.
SEE WHAT FUN WE ARE?
AND ONLY AFTER ONE DAY.
WANT TO TRY FOR TWO?
COME ON!
OHHH!