The Durrells in Corfu (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Episode #4.1 - full transcript
Here,
let me give you a hand.
ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
GROANS
There we go.
Gerry!
Stop that pelican squawking
or I'll throw a typewriter
on its head!
Mother? Stop Larry squawking.
Come, shoo!
ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
So I said
to him, "You're very sweet,
"but you look about 14
and only come up to my chest."
Someone bang the exciting new gong!
Quick, put this on.
You must be joking.
It's the big moment!
GONG
GONG, GONG
SHEEP BAAS
LUGARETZIA SPEAKS IN GREEK
What's she saying? Too many bloody
foreigners in the house.
We are not foreign, Lugaretzia.
You are foreign.
I'm certainly not foreign.
Cometh the cocktail hour,
cometh the man.
Have you gonged
the exciting new gong?
Yes, I did.
Because the builders
have finally left
and the penthouse floor is ready.
So, now we are up and running
as a high-grade guesthouse,
I will have to charge all my lodgers
the full weekly rent of 80 drachma.
Larry!
Can we be your girlfriends
and move into your room?
Oh, all right.
BOTH GIGGLE
Well, I think it's thrilling.
Guests, a venture to be proud of
and a chance to heal
the sadnesses of the past.
Will you please stop growing!
Bacon, known locally as noumboulo.
Eggs and vegetables from the garden.
And orange juice,
enlivened with kumquat.
Thank you.
Now that I'm paying the full ticket,
a chaser of porridge
would slide down very nicely.
But of course.
You will explode.
It's a risk I'm happy to take.
Good morning, Spiro.
Mrs Durrells.
The postman
asked me to take this to you
because he couldn't be bothered.
Thank you.
It's either
Margo's fashion magazines
or Leslie's gun ones.
Pretty or dead
seems to be the choice.
It's strange not seeing you since...
Yes. How are your children?
Ah... Noisy?
And your wife?
Pleased to be back, I think.
SHUTTERS OPEN
Oh, wonderful to see you, Spiro!
SHEEP BAAS
Oh, congratulations.
Thank you, yes.
It's going very well.
I hear you're running
a boardy house?
A boarding house.
Yes, well, starting.
We only have one paying guest,
Basil.
If you hear of any lodgers,
especially rich or barmy,
do send them our way.
That won't be necessary.
So, goodbye.
Goodbye.
BANG
Aw...
You need to be friends with Spiro
again.
Can't.
Look where that got me.
Months of snivelling.
I know, but apart from missing him,
we're all really tired
of having to walk everywhere.
I am working hard
and I'm not thinking about Spiro.
Don't mention him again.
BANG
You know,
Les and I both have emotional scars.
He's obviously healing his
by reverting to his more basic self.
BANG
I saw Daphne in town with her baby.
Oh, poor Les.
BANG
Yes!
You effing beauty!
Not that he was ready
to be a father.
Gerry... Here.
It's all right, I'll go in
and polish the exciting new gong.
Here.
Now, she followed me.
Followed you home, yes, yes.
Oh, he's gorgeous!
He's a barn owl.
Roger can't get over the fact
that he can swivel his head
all the way around.
Stop talking, please!
I need to write.
Well, do it in your room.
Impossible.
The girls are up there snoring...
and farting.
It's a dancer thing.
They love to express themselves
with their bodies.
You won't let him get in the way
of any of the guests, will you?
The guest.
England's worst solicitor.
So bad
that he's been sent on holiday.
There'll be more.
Well, they better be animal lovers.
Because I'm going ahead with my plan
for a proper zoo here.
A complete animal experience
with a breeding programme,
wildlife in area enclosures
and is now a mascot.
Ulysses the owl.
Who embodies the wisdom
of the animal kingdom.
Theo, where do you stand
on nipped in waist dresses?
It's a massive issue.
I need to read up about it
before I comment.
Life's moving on.
I feel I need new challenge.
SIGHS
Be very careful what you say.
Who did your dreadful hair?
Oh, I like its boldness.
I didn't want bold.
I wanted soft and attractive.
Who did it?
Mrs Lekhas.
I think she was trained by clowns.
The others are even worse.
That's a worrying face.
Can I have a few days off?
GREEK GREETING
Customer?
Welcome!
I hope you don't mind stairs.
Now, this is newly appointed
and rather swish.
I like to be by the sea.
How long are you thinking
of residing?
Perhaps a week? I will pay you now.
Oh, you're not going to haggle?
Are you sure you're Greek?
In return, I am writing a book so I
need to be left in peace, please.
Oh, of course.
My son, Lawrence, is a novelist.
Ah.
Don't read his books.
He's become very smutty.
All rather awkward.
And yet, you are very proud?
Yes. Yes, I am.
Nobody wants a child
who is like them.
That is like
giving more bread to the baker.
I think we are going to get on.
GIRLS GIGGLING
LAWRENCE: My turn! My turn!
Ignore that giggling.
That's him
with one of his girlfriends.
And ignore any animal noises,
or gunfire.
How blessed you are.
Two writers in the house.
Three, if you count
animal boy's scribblings.
Mr Vangelatos is rather more modest
than you about it.
Yeah, and I bet he doesn't claim
that each of his so-called books
reinvents the wheel.
If you think all wheels are the
same,
I'm gonna make you a car
out of a bike, a tractor,
a go-cart and a Ferris wheel.
Perfect.
And I'll drive it over your face.
Thank you.
You could both do with some
of Mr Vang's generosity of heart.
Why are you home early?
I found my vocation.
I'm setting up
a hair and beauty salon.
Argh, please stick to something
that exercises your mind.
Most men already
think of women as brain-dead.
Let me set you right
about female emancipation, Larry.
I'm off!
It's about the right to choose.
Not the right
to stick at a boring job
her brother thinks she should do.
- Finally!
- Lunch is served.
DOOR KNOCK
Hello.
Well, don't let me interrupt
your writing if it's flowing.
No, it's not writing day.
Yes...
People don't realise
we authors aren't typists,
we're... penseurs.
I think
you're more of a penseur than me.
So, just fill you in on us Durrells,
father died when we were young
so mother has wells of resource
but she's always relied on us,
me, to sure her up.
Families are monstrous, of course.
No doubt Bruegel was inspired
by Christmas with his relatives.
Do you write about your family?
No. I should, really.
But they don't deserve it.
Maybe Gerry will.
He's kinder than me.
What do you write about?
GULPS
The... people.
Right...
What people?
Er...
I don't want to talk about
writing.
Hah.
Ha. What do you think?
My beauty boudoir.
I'm prepared to give you
free introductory
fashion advice or a haircut.
Mother does my hair.
Yes, and look at it.
I take my lead
from the animal kingdom.
Clearly.
All right, fashion...
I can make you a nice bowtie
by cannibalising some old knickers.
Les!
No, don't trust you.
So, do you own this house?
Yes, of course we do.
Gosh.
Oh, no, I mean this house?
Oh, yes.
And a castle in Tuscany.
No.
We usually have to pawn something
to pay the rent.
So, hide your cuff links.
Am I not to be joined
by my co-tenant?
No, he likes to eat in his room.
Simply and without fuss.
Portions befitting
a single human being.
Rather than a barbershop quartet.
Now, do you see the mistake
you've made there?
I did mention
that I gag on tomatoes.
Someone offer to help!
Squeeze three oranges and a kumquat
into a glass,
put it on the tray in the kitchen
and then take it upstairs
to Mr Vangelatos.
And don't roll your eyes at me!
Mr Vangelatos isn't a writer,
you know.
What? You sure?
He's lying. And, he's jumpy.
Nonsense.
Speaking as a solicitor emeritus,
one has seen these types before.
Vagabond thieves moving from
house to house... Shush!
And his name, Lazarus Vangelatos.
Reeks of contrivance.
Well, I'm a trained policeman
so I'll cunningly
get the truth out of him.
In terms of me,
I'm rather saddened by my laundry.
Could it be crisper?
Excuse me, quick visit to the lav.
One meal in, one out.
SPEAKS IN GREEK
SPEAKS IN GREEK
Hmm...
DOOR KNOCK
LESLIE SPEAKS IN GREEK
Supper for one?
Thank you.
So...
What's your game? What are you up
to, really, staying here?
Hmm?
I am just trying to make my way
in this unjust world.
As you are.
Well, yes, I am.
I'm sorry if I seem awkward.
You have the gift of confidence.
Thanks.
But actually, no, not really.
I'm horribly misunderstood
by my family.
That's very sad.
I'm like my father was,
a man of action.
And now you're considered stupid
if you like simple, honest things
like physical work.
And guns.
I nearly became a father.
With Daphne.
She's so beautiful.
She carried what I thought
was my baby for six months.
But... it was another chap's.
Oh, um... are you all right?
The question is, are you?
Embrace change.
It is painful but necessary.
The future is yours.
You are such a good listener.
CHUCKLES
Leslie!
Spiro.
Thanks for recommending
The Durrell Guesthouse
to Mr Vangelatos.
He hid his face a bit under his hat.
I hope he's not peculiar.
No, we love him.
OLD MAN SPEAKS IN GREEK
Is he talking to us?
He's being rude about you
because you're not Greek.
Wasn't shouting, was I?
Sorry, Spiro.
Hello.
Hello.
Do you always carry a hat stand now?
No, I just bought it for the house.
Nice.
I haven't seen you in a while.
No, I was in Athens
with my grandmother,
getting help with the baby.
Ah, yes.
I hear it's quite a shock
no matter how prepared you are.
Yes.
I left my father with her for ten
minutes, he's white with fear.
It is no fun. You are the lucky one.
Yes, aren't I?
I uh... I built my family
a new lavatory.
Well done.
I have dreams it's our baby
and we're together
in a little house.
Any plans for the weekend?
Yes. Um, sitting in my room.
That's boring.
Join us downstairs.
Beards are very demode.
Why don't I shave yours off?
Oh, no!
I am sorry, no. I need it.
They're all desperately wondering
what you're doing here.
But as a beauty professional,
I pass no judgements.
I... made a mistake.
Let it all out.
What kind of mistake?
A big one.
I'm sure it's not as bad
as all that.
No, it is bad.
But maybe I will do it again.
Differently.
Or not. Hard to say.
Well, it's always important
to forgive oneself.
Would you like a manicure?
You have done ghastly things
to my hair, haven't you?
Yep.
Louisa Durrell!
Oh, Superintendent.
And is it super to see me?
AWKWARD GIGGLES
We agreed to have a drink, remember?
You know, I don't think that was me.
Yes, it was. When your son Leslie
was in the police force.
Ah, well, sadly, I'm too busy now
running our guesthouse.
If you have a hotel, I must visit
to make sure everything is in order.
It is. But do send one of your men
over if you don't trust me.
I will. And I will come myself.
Yes, you do that.
I hear you do not see
your crooked taxi driver any more?
CHATTER IN THE DINING ROOM
KNOCK ON DOOR
- Ah, the clever one.
- Theo!
Hello! Margo?
I've come for my haircut.
Ooh...
Is that not a good idea?
What? Yes.
You have no experience.
And how else will I ever get any?
I don't mind the few rough edges.
You made it downstairs.
Oh, God. Did Margo do your hair?
Yes.
Margo, I'm cancelling.
Oh!
OWL SCREECHES
Oh, it's the ruddy owl.
Eurgh!
That is...
Regurgitated mouse, anyone?
And owls are supposed to be clever?
Owl wisdom
is profounder than humans'.
But if it's cheap tricks
you're after, I can arrange that.
Come on.
OWL SCREECHES
Come on.
Many gentlemen. One mule.
Did Margo do that to your hair?
Yes.
Well, let that be a lesson
to us all.
Before you attempt to flee,
do you want to tell them
or shall I?
Theo, you're being peculiar.
You'll get
a sympathetic hearing here.
What's going on?
He's on a wanted poster
in the police station.
Attempted murder.
I didn't try to kill anyone!
But it's true,
I wanted to hurt him badly.
I hate violence of any kind
but I asked my friends in Athens
who know and they say
it was a political act
targeting a brutal fascist.
He put friends in prison.
I meant to shoot him in the leg,
to show anger, but he bent down
to tie his shoelace and by mistake
a shot him in the...
This part.
It's the loin.
Private parts.
Testes.
We hate Greece's drift
towards fascism.
The Nazis are polluting Europe,
country by country.
And Greece is next!
Radical solutions are required!
We must join together!
Oh, spare me the waterworks.
You shot a man
and now you descend on us
with some jumped up idealism
and endanger my family.
Well, how dare you!
Now, hang on a minute...
No.
No, I have slaved away
to get this place on its feet
and now we'll be shut down
and hated for harbouring a murderer.
It wasn't murder.
And he won't get a fair trial.
I don't care.
I want you to leave.
By tomorrow.
Look, I like him too
but we shouldn't be hiding
ruthless revolutionaries.
You're such a copper.
And you're such an arsehole.
If he's found,
he'll be incarcerated.
Ugh, that's horrible.
Are you thinking of castrated?
Sorry, yes.
Imprisoned for life or worse.
As a family, we support the
underdog. You would be saying that
if he shot Mahatma Gandhi
in the bollocks.
What's your problem?
I think you know what it is.
CREAKING
LAUGHTER
Well you wanted them crisp.
I shall be making a deduction
from next week's rent
for client mockery.
It was an accident.
I got the starch wrong.
I tried the shirt on,
I looked like a Cubist painting.
Moving on
to something less contentious...
Good vocabulary.
Thank you.
I've been drawing up some plans
for the new zoo and ah...
TURKEY GOBBLES
Nice barnet.
LAUGHS
What have you done to him?
Improved his look.
No, you haven't.
Yes, she has.
She has, actually.
Well, I'm inspired by Mr Vangelatos.
He pursued his passion and so am I.
I agree.
We should all be revolutionaries.
Revolutionaries...
I'll settle for a home
without stupid animals.
Shoo!
TURKEY GOBBLES
I know this seems harsh, but...
No, I understand.
So, where will you go?
I must find a boat
and escape abroad.
I'm sorry.
But to be honest,
I'm fighting battles
and I couldn't face another one.
I will be honest, only to you.
You're right,
I am a terrible revolutionary.
I did it all for love.
Oh.
I fell in love with a communist.
I wanted to win her over
by shooting the man
who put her father in prison.
That's so romantic. Sort of.
No...
She said it was an example
of bourgeois sentimentality.
I'm sorry, I...
I cry easily
when I think of who I love.
And can never have.
Me too. Till I learnt to stop.
Look at you.
You won't get to the bottom
of the garden, let alone abroad.
No, really,
I'm as cunning as a fox.
Good luck, son.
Viva la revolution.
Don't try anything in Dorset.
He's staying.
Oh.
Until we can engineer an escape.
You are so kind.
You can lie low with us for a while.
None of us will blow your cover.
What have you done?
I told the police superintendent
that we were taking in guests.
He's insisting
on searching the premises
with his men.
When?
Any time.
LARRY GROANS
We need a plan.
We must get you away.
Erimitis Cove is secluded.
That's the best place to drop a boat
and pick up Mr Vangelatos.
No, what's his real name?
The less we know, the better.
Isn't that the kind of thing
one says?
I'm bored!
Can somebody else
watch out for the police now?
Oh, well done! Very discreet!
I'll get you a megaphone
so even the deaf people
in the neighbourhood can hear you!
Why don't we get him off the island
on the ferry, disguised as a monk?
Too risky.
The police know he's in Corfu
and what he looks like.
Washerwoman?
I'm not good this, am I?
We need a boat.
Coffee in the northern gazebo.
Oh, make your own.
You know, I've got better things
to do than flap around after you.
There's a fugitive upstairs!
Um...
We wouldn't have needed
to take in guests,
fugitive or normal,
if you hadn't buggered up
Auntie's legacy
like the great idle walrus you are!
I may be a walrus
but I am a paying walrus.
Spiro!
I have a favour to ask.
Come into my office.
I need a good boat with a motor.
Why?
To take a friend of ours
away from Greece.
Basil? You want to drown him?
No.
Well, yes, but no.
A Greek friend.
What's his name?
I can't say it.
How do you spell it?
No, I can pronounce it,
I don't want to say it.
It's a so-called Communist fugitive.
He's staying with us.
Your Mr Vangelatos?
Shush!
The wanted guy?
Yes.
He's a good man.
He needs to get
to the nearest safe country.
OK.
I'm so sorry about you and Mother.
Not as sorry as I am.
But she's safe, well and...
wonderful?
Yes. She is.
MARGO SPEAKS IN GREEK
Hello!
Beauty, haircutting.
Hi, hi.
Very cheap. I have my own scissors.
And I trim pets' hair rather well.
Have a think and come back here
tomorrow to book an appointment.
LADIES RESPOND IN GREEK
GONG
Argh! Ah, Super!
Mr Durrell.
What brings you to our house?
I would like to visit
the new guesthouse.
To make sure everything is in order.
Everyone, the superintendent
and two nice policeman
are going to check
that everything's in order!
Lots of people are snoozing.
Superintendent!
Leslie.
Can I ask you one thing?
Um, out here,
because it's, it's personal.
What?
Can I have my old job back?
No.
But I'm a natural policeman.
I hate injustice,
love a uniform...
SIGHS
Ah! Superintendent.
What a joy.
You must sit and have tea and cake.
All of you. I know how much
you bobbies love your pastries.
Only me.
My men will examine the house.
Go.
I'm excited to be in your quarters.
I need to see your search warrant.
You can't come up.
My girlfriend's naked.
She's ferocious. Australian.
And will scream
so I'd, I'd give her a moment.
We can do this.
- Make sure it's tight.
- Yes, yes.
OK, come on...
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There we are, we did it.
GRUNTS
Bugger.
Oh...
You are a pretty lady.
Oh.
I'm a handsome man.
We should be lovely together.
Oh, yes.
You sleep alone, that is a waste.
Well, not really, you see,
I thrash about in bed.
I thought so.
Oh, no, not in that way!
No, I've just...
POLICEMEN ENTERING
Hello, ah, the police.
Let me show you my owl.
Ulysses.
Isn't he magnificent?
Take your time, give him a stroke.
OWL COUGHS
Eurgh.
The wise owl
has gobbled the pretty mouse.
If I wanted to be gobbled,
it wouldn't be by you.
And Spiro is not crooked,
he's painfully honourable.
I will inspect the house.
We have information you are hiding
a communist desperado.
Grab the rope!
GRUNTS
GRUNTS
Ah...
- I'm not going up!
- Mum, what do we do now?
Hi.
GIRL: You're not allowed here.
POLICEMEN TALKING IN GREEK
Scuse me!
Wait!
GERRY: You can't go up there!
Go back
and fold those things nicely.
You have no warrant!
SUSPENSEFUL GREEK STRINGS
POLICEMEN SPEAK IN GREEK
Oh, my God...
No!
Wait!
No, no, no!
We meet again, Superintendent.
LARRY: No, no, no!
We need to get something to help...
Get what?
Be careful...
SUPERINTENDENT SPEAKS IN GREEK
Careful, that's it!
Argh!
Hold tight!
That's it, nearly there!
Can't watch.
LESLIE: I've got it, I've got it.
I know what's happened,
I heard you shouting
about a Communist desperado.
Guilty, that'll be me!
Yep. Who'd have thought?
Like a lot of posh Brits,
I toyed with Marxism.
Before realising it was tosh.
That's it.
So proud. Well done.
Move.
LESLIE: Quick!
So, we'll wait here
and hope that Spiro's found a boat.
Emilia went back to her old lover.
He's a better revolutionary than me.
Aw...
I shot a man, that is so bad.
Nah...
Love makes us do crazy things.
The sweet madness.
So this man, Spiro, is your lover?
No.
His wife would have to die first.
Do you want me
to do anything about it?
Don't joke!
Anyway, you'd only miss.
You know I...
used to confide in Spiro
in a way I can't even with Larry,
or anyone.
So I feel adrift.
The guesthouse
was supposed to give me purpose.
And we all need purpose, don't we?
Keep your family safe and well,
overthrow a government.
Change the world with a novel.
Love animals.
You're a terribly good listener.
Oh, yes, I've been told.
Spiro is such a lovely man.
But we can't be together. Why?
I know he wants to be with me.
He should be rescuing me
as well as you.
Thank you.
You must talk to him again,
for your own sanity.
And then who knows?
Be kinder to yourself.
It's the classic cleft stick.
How do you fight
the authoritarian state?
Brutally,
then you're playing their game.
I hope they haven't fallen off the
cliff.
Passively, well, then
you're a de facto supporter
and an apologist.
Too many words.
The more I think about it,
the closer Vangelatos and I are.
My novels are bullets
bringing down the forces
of literary oppression.
That's balls!
Are they really?
But books are actually important!
So I've recced and I don't think
we're being watched.
Larry, find Spiro,
see what's happening with that boat.
So I said,
I may be a solicitor
but if you prick us,
do we not bleed?
Basil, Lugaretzia, dancers.
If the police arrive,
tell them we have gone on a picnic.
You don't know where.
What shall I do?
Put the owl down.
Oh, no, don't do that!
No, put the owl down.
Right, with you.
We'll go to the cove
in case something's gone wrong.
Leslie is like handsome general.
I've not been included again,
have I?
Do you ever feel
like you have outgrown your family?
There they are.
We brought food and water.
Here, you'll need these
for your journey.
Not, not now.
Look!
Where?
I can't see it.
Kestrel. Just above the headland.
But, there is something...
Come on...
Ah, just in time to say goodbye.
Spiro, what can I say?
Nothing.
I think he's on his way to Malta.
Spiro...
Sell it!
You'll need money to survive.
The owner owes me favour.
Goodbye.
This is a sad moment.
You bloody liar.
I brought you a fascinating book
to read on your journey.
It's about even-toed ungulates.
Thank you! What a treat!
Don't get them muddled up
with the odd-toed ungulates.
Shut up, Gerry, my turn.
It's very old but you might need it.
No.
I am a pacifist now.
That's a bit of an overreaction.
If there is war,
we'll have to get
used to these sorts of ordeals.
Crisscrossing the Mediterranean
to search for safety.
Please come to the house in an hour.
UPLIFTING MUSIC
Bye!
It's too sad being strangers.
I know.
Can we stop?
Yes, please.
Goodbye!
Goodbye!
How did it go?
Beautifully.
Mr Vangelatos
is on his way to safety.
As sole guest,
you have my full attention, Basil.
Well, in fact, I realise
I've been a goon and a swine
so I... we wanted to thank you.
For putting up with us.
Ta-da!
Well, I'm touched.
Ah, not you! Just your mummy.
Now, I know some of you
have your doubts
about Ulysses' intelligence
and suitability
as a mascot of my zoo,
given his history of vomiting.
But, prepare to be disabused.
Ooh, good vocabulary.
Thank you.
Come on, boy.
Yeah...
OWL SCREECHES
Ulysses, come on...
Hup!
Ulysses... hup!
Ta-da!
Hmm...
Margo, where were you?
Don't worry about me.
I've been planning my life.
Did Vang make it?
Yes, he's headed for Malta.
Oh, thank God.
As I wasn't there to wish him well,
I did this for him.
Come on, sweetheart.
LAUGHTER
SHEEP BAAS
BASIL: Good Lord.
I made the hair dye myself.
Red for revolution, white for peace.
Never mind that revolution crap,
those are the colours
of good old St George.
Don't gang up.
We love Margo.
Sorry, darling. Have a bun.
You can't fob me off this time.
I'm opening a salon in Corfu Town.
My life's about to begin.
No, Margo,
you can't make big announcements.
Why not?
Because I am. I'm moving out.
Spiro's going to drive me up to
Kalami.
What? No! Why, where?
It's up the coast, it's paradise,
nothing to do but write.
Despite what you may think,
I take my art seriously.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I'll write letters,
brilliant letters.
Oh, look, Spiro.
Back the way it used to be.
Margo's gone!
We must search the island.
There's a mad colonel staying
with us and he's paying Leslie
to take him to kill wild boar.
So we're going to stop them.
Good.
I will come back tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
You've got a woman, haven't you?
You have a wife you want to keep
and me here
waiting for you just in case.
Cuddle an animal today!
GONG
BANG
Subtitles by TVT
let me give you a hand.
ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
GROANS
There we go.
Gerry!
Stop that pelican squawking
or I'll throw a typewriter
on its head!
Mother? Stop Larry squawking.
Come, shoo!
ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
So I said
to him, "You're very sweet,
"but you look about 14
and only come up to my chest."
Someone bang the exciting new gong!
Quick, put this on.
You must be joking.
It's the big moment!
GONG
GONG, GONG
SHEEP BAAS
LUGARETZIA SPEAKS IN GREEK
What's she saying? Too many bloody
foreigners in the house.
We are not foreign, Lugaretzia.
You are foreign.
I'm certainly not foreign.
Cometh the cocktail hour,
cometh the man.
Have you gonged
the exciting new gong?
Yes, I did.
Because the builders
have finally left
and the penthouse floor is ready.
So, now we are up and running
as a high-grade guesthouse,
I will have to charge all my lodgers
the full weekly rent of 80 drachma.
Larry!
Can we be your girlfriends
and move into your room?
Oh, all right.
BOTH GIGGLE
Well, I think it's thrilling.
Guests, a venture to be proud of
and a chance to heal
the sadnesses of the past.
Will you please stop growing!
Bacon, known locally as noumboulo.
Eggs and vegetables from the garden.
And orange juice,
enlivened with kumquat.
Thank you.
Now that I'm paying the full ticket,
a chaser of porridge
would slide down very nicely.
But of course.
You will explode.
It's a risk I'm happy to take.
Good morning, Spiro.
Mrs Durrells.
The postman
asked me to take this to you
because he couldn't be bothered.
Thank you.
It's either
Margo's fashion magazines
or Leslie's gun ones.
Pretty or dead
seems to be the choice.
It's strange not seeing you since...
Yes. How are your children?
Ah... Noisy?
And your wife?
Pleased to be back, I think.
SHUTTERS OPEN
Oh, wonderful to see you, Spiro!
SHEEP BAAS
Oh, congratulations.
Thank you, yes.
It's going very well.
I hear you're running
a boardy house?
A boarding house.
Yes, well, starting.
We only have one paying guest,
Basil.
If you hear of any lodgers,
especially rich or barmy,
do send them our way.
That won't be necessary.
So, goodbye.
Goodbye.
BANG
Aw...
You need to be friends with Spiro
again.
Can't.
Look where that got me.
Months of snivelling.
I know, but apart from missing him,
we're all really tired
of having to walk everywhere.
I am working hard
and I'm not thinking about Spiro.
Don't mention him again.
BANG
You know,
Les and I both have emotional scars.
He's obviously healing his
by reverting to his more basic self.
BANG
I saw Daphne in town with her baby.
Oh, poor Les.
BANG
Yes!
You effing beauty!
Not that he was ready
to be a father.
Gerry... Here.
It's all right, I'll go in
and polish the exciting new gong.
Here.
Now, she followed me.
Followed you home, yes, yes.
Oh, he's gorgeous!
He's a barn owl.
Roger can't get over the fact
that he can swivel his head
all the way around.
Stop talking, please!
I need to write.
Well, do it in your room.
Impossible.
The girls are up there snoring...
and farting.
It's a dancer thing.
They love to express themselves
with their bodies.
You won't let him get in the way
of any of the guests, will you?
The guest.
England's worst solicitor.
So bad
that he's been sent on holiday.
There'll be more.
Well, they better be animal lovers.
Because I'm going ahead with my plan
for a proper zoo here.
A complete animal experience
with a breeding programme,
wildlife in area enclosures
and is now a mascot.
Ulysses the owl.
Who embodies the wisdom
of the animal kingdom.
Theo, where do you stand
on nipped in waist dresses?
It's a massive issue.
I need to read up about it
before I comment.
Life's moving on.
I feel I need new challenge.
SIGHS
Be very careful what you say.
Who did your dreadful hair?
Oh, I like its boldness.
I didn't want bold.
I wanted soft and attractive.
Who did it?
Mrs Lekhas.
I think she was trained by clowns.
The others are even worse.
That's a worrying face.
Can I have a few days off?
GREEK GREETING
Customer?
Welcome!
I hope you don't mind stairs.
Now, this is newly appointed
and rather swish.
I like to be by the sea.
How long are you thinking
of residing?
Perhaps a week? I will pay you now.
Oh, you're not going to haggle?
Are you sure you're Greek?
In return, I am writing a book so I
need to be left in peace, please.
Oh, of course.
My son, Lawrence, is a novelist.
Ah.
Don't read his books.
He's become very smutty.
All rather awkward.
And yet, you are very proud?
Yes. Yes, I am.
Nobody wants a child
who is like them.
That is like
giving more bread to the baker.
I think we are going to get on.
GIRLS GIGGLING
LAWRENCE: My turn! My turn!
Ignore that giggling.
That's him
with one of his girlfriends.
And ignore any animal noises,
or gunfire.
How blessed you are.
Two writers in the house.
Three, if you count
animal boy's scribblings.
Mr Vangelatos is rather more modest
than you about it.
Yeah, and I bet he doesn't claim
that each of his so-called books
reinvents the wheel.
If you think all wheels are the
same,
I'm gonna make you a car
out of a bike, a tractor,
a go-cart and a Ferris wheel.
Perfect.
And I'll drive it over your face.
Thank you.
You could both do with some
of Mr Vang's generosity of heart.
Why are you home early?
I found my vocation.
I'm setting up
a hair and beauty salon.
Argh, please stick to something
that exercises your mind.
Most men already
think of women as brain-dead.
Let me set you right
about female emancipation, Larry.
I'm off!
It's about the right to choose.
Not the right
to stick at a boring job
her brother thinks she should do.
- Finally!
- Lunch is served.
DOOR KNOCK
Hello.
Well, don't let me interrupt
your writing if it's flowing.
No, it's not writing day.
Yes...
People don't realise
we authors aren't typists,
we're... penseurs.
I think
you're more of a penseur than me.
So, just fill you in on us Durrells,
father died when we were young
so mother has wells of resource
but she's always relied on us,
me, to sure her up.
Families are monstrous, of course.
No doubt Bruegel was inspired
by Christmas with his relatives.
Do you write about your family?
No. I should, really.
But they don't deserve it.
Maybe Gerry will.
He's kinder than me.
What do you write about?
GULPS
The... people.
Right...
What people?
Er...
I don't want to talk about
writing.
Hah.
Ha. What do you think?
My beauty boudoir.
I'm prepared to give you
free introductory
fashion advice or a haircut.
Mother does my hair.
Yes, and look at it.
I take my lead
from the animal kingdom.
Clearly.
All right, fashion...
I can make you a nice bowtie
by cannibalising some old knickers.
Les!
No, don't trust you.
So, do you own this house?
Yes, of course we do.
Gosh.
Oh, no, I mean this house?
Oh, yes.
And a castle in Tuscany.
No.
We usually have to pawn something
to pay the rent.
So, hide your cuff links.
Am I not to be joined
by my co-tenant?
No, he likes to eat in his room.
Simply and without fuss.
Portions befitting
a single human being.
Rather than a barbershop quartet.
Now, do you see the mistake
you've made there?
I did mention
that I gag on tomatoes.
Someone offer to help!
Squeeze three oranges and a kumquat
into a glass,
put it on the tray in the kitchen
and then take it upstairs
to Mr Vangelatos.
And don't roll your eyes at me!
Mr Vangelatos isn't a writer,
you know.
What? You sure?
He's lying. And, he's jumpy.
Nonsense.
Speaking as a solicitor emeritus,
one has seen these types before.
Vagabond thieves moving from
house to house... Shush!
And his name, Lazarus Vangelatos.
Reeks of contrivance.
Well, I'm a trained policeman
so I'll cunningly
get the truth out of him.
In terms of me,
I'm rather saddened by my laundry.
Could it be crisper?
Excuse me, quick visit to the lav.
One meal in, one out.
SPEAKS IN GREEK
SPEAKS IN GREEK
Hmm...
DOOR KNOCK
LESLIE SPEAKS IN GREEK
Supper for one?
Thank you.
So...
What's your game? What are you up
to, really, staying here?
Hmm?
I am just trying to make my way
in this unjust world.
As you are.
Well, yes, I am.
I'm sorry if I seem awkward.
You have the gift of confidence.
Thanks.
But actually, no, not really.
I'm horribly misunderstood
by my family.
That's very sad.
I'm like my father was,
a man of action.
And now you're considered stupid
if you like simple, honest things
like physical work.
And guns.
I nearly became a father.
With Daphne.
She's so beautiful.
She carried what I thought
was my baby for six months.
But... it was another chap's.
Oh, um... are you all right?
The question is, are you?
Embrace change.
It is painful but necessary.
The future is yours.
You are such a good listener.
CHUCKLES
Leslie!
Spiro.
Thanks for recommending
The Durrell Guesthouse
to Mr Vangelatos.
He hid his face a bit under his hat.
I hope he's not peculiar.
No, we love him.
OLD MAN SPEAKS IN GREEK
Is he talking to us?
He's being rude about you
because you're not Greek.
Wasn't shouting, was I?
Sorry, Spiro.
Hello.
Hello.
Do you always carry a hat stand now?
No, I just bought it for the house.
Nice.
I haven't seen you in a while.
No, I was in Athens
with my grandmother,
getting help with the baby.
Ah, yes.
I hear it's quite a shock
no matter how prepared you are.
Yes.
I left my father with her for ten
minutes, he's white with fear.
It is no fun. You are the lucky one.
Yes, aren't I?
I uh... I built my family
a new lavatory.
Well done.
I have dreams it's our baby
and we're together
in a little house.
Any plans for the weekend?
Yes. Um, sitting in my room.
That's boring.
Join us downstairs.
Beards are very demode.
Why don't I shave yours off?
Oh, no!
I am sorry, no. I need it.
They're all desperately wondering
what you're doing here.
But as a beauty professional,
I pass no judgements.
I... made a mistake.
Let it all out.
What kind of mistake?
A big one.
I'm sure it's not as bad
as all that.
No, it is bad.
But maybe I will do it again.
Differently.
Or not. Hard to say.
Well, it's always important
to forgive oneself.
Would you like a manicure?
You have done ghastly things
to my hair, haven't you?
Yep.
Louisa Durrell!
Oh, Superintendent.
And is it super to see me?
AWKWARD GIGGLES
We agreed to have a drink, remember?
You know, I don't think that was me.
Yes, it was. When your son Leslie
was in the police force.
Ah, well, sadly, I'm too busy now
running our guesthouse.
If you have a hotel, I must visit
to make sure everything is in order.
It is. But do send one of your men
over if you don't trust me.
I will. And I will come myself.
Yes, you do that.
I hear you do not see
your crooked taxi driver any more?
CHATTER IN THE DINING ROOM
KNOCK ON DOOR
- Ah, the clever one.
- Theo!
Hello! Margo?
I've come for my haircut.
Ooh...
Is that not a good idea?
What? Yes.
You have no experience.
And how else will I ever get any?
I don't mind the few rough edges.
You made it downstairs.
Oh, God. Did Margo do your hair?
Yes.
Margo, I'm cancelling.
Oh!
OWL SCREECHES
Oh, it's the ruddy owl.
Eurgh!
That is...
Regurgitated mouse, anyone?
And owls are supposed to be clever?
Owl wisdom
is profounder than humans'.
But if it's cheap tricks
you're after, I can arrange that.
Come on.
OWL SCREECHES
Come on.
Many gentlemen. One mule.
Did Margo do that to your hair?
Yes.
Well, let that be a lesson
to us all.
Before you attempt to flee,
do you want to tell them
or shall I?
Theo, you're being peculiar.
You'll get
a sympathetic hearing here.
What's going on?
He's on a wanted poster
in the police station.
Attempted murder.
I didn't try to kill anyone!
But it's true,
I wanted to hurt him badly.
I hate violence of any kind
but I asked my friends in Athens
who know and they say
it was a political act
targeting a brutal fascist.
He put friends in prison.
I meant to shoot him in the leg,
to show anger, but he bent down
to tie his shoelace and by mistake
a shot him in the...
This part.
It's the loin.
Private parts.
Testes.
We hate Greece's drift
towards fascism.
The Nazis are polluting Europe,
country by country.
And Greece is next!
Radical solutions are required!
We must join together!
Oh, spare me the waterworks.
You shot a man
and now you descend on us
with some jumped up idealism
and endanger my family.
Well, how dare you!
Now, hang on a minute...
No.
No, I have slaved away
to get this place on its feet
and now we'll be shut down
and hated for harbouring a murderer.
It wasn't murder.
And he won't get a fair trial.
I don't care.
I want you to leave.
By tomorrow.
Look, I like him too
but we shouldn't be hiding
ruthless revolutionaries.
You're such a copper.
And you're such an arsehole.
If he's found,
he'll be incarcerated.
Ugh, that's horrible.
Are you thinking of castrated?
Sorry, yes.
Imprisoned for life or worse.
As a family, we support the
underdog. You would be saying that
if he shot Mahatma Gandhi
in the bollocks.
What's your problem?
I think you know what it is.
CREAKING
LAUGHTER
Well you wanted them crisp.
I shall be making a deduction
from next week's rent
for client mockery.
It was an accident.
I got the starch wrong.
I tried the shirt on,
I looked like a Cubist painting.
Moving on
to something less contentious...
Good vocabulary.
Thank you.
I've been drawing up some plans
for the new zoo and ah...
TURKEY GOBBLES
Nice barnet.
LAUGHS
What have you done to him?
Improved his look.
No, you haven't.
Yes, she has.
She has, actually.
Well, I'm inspired by Mr Vangelatos.
He pursued his passion and so am I.
I agree.
We should all be revolutionaries.
Revolutionaries...
I'll settle for a home
without stupid animals.
Shoo!
TURKEY GOBBLES
I know this seems harsh, but...
No, I understand.
So, where will you go?
I must find a boat
and escape abroad.
I'm sorry.
But to be honest,
I'm fighting battles
and I couldn't face another one.
I will be honest, only to you.
You're right,
I am a terrible revolutionary.
I did it all for love.
Oh.
I fell in love with a communist.
I wanted to win her over
by shooting the man
who put her father in prison.
That's so romantic. Sort of.
No...
She said it was an example
of bourgeois sentimentality.
I'm sorry, I...
I cry easily
when I think of who I love.
And can never have.
Me too. Till I learnt to stop.
Look at you.
You won't get to the bottom
of the garden, let alone abroad.
No, really,
I'm as cunning as a fox.
Good luck, son.
Viva la revolution.
Don't try anything in Dorset.
He's staying.
Oh.
Until we can engineer an escape.
You are so kind.
You can lie low with us for a while.
None of us will blow your cover.
What have you done?
I told the police superintendent
that we were taking in guests.
He's insisting
on searching the premises
with his men.
When?
Any time.
LARRY GROANS
We need a plan.
We must get you away.
Erimitis Cove is secluded.
That's the best place to drop a boat
and pick up Mr Vangelatos.
No, what's his real name?
The less we know, the better.
Isn't that the kind of thing
one says?
I'm bored!
Can somebody else
watch out for the police now?
Oh, well done! Very discreet!
I'll get you a megaphone
so even the deaf people
in the neighbourhood can hear you!
Why don't we get him off the island
on the ferry, disguised as a monk?
Too risky.
The police know he's in Corfu
and what he looks like.
Washerwoman?
I'm not good this, am I?
We need a boat.
Coffee in the northern gazebo.
Oh, make your own.
You know, I've got better things
to do than flap around after you.
There's a fugitive upstairs!
Um...
We wouldn't have needed
to take in guests,
fugitive or normal,
if you hadn't buggered up
Auntie's legacy
like the great idle walrus you are!
I may be a walrus
but I am a paying walrus.
Spiro!
I have a favour to ask.
Come into my office.
I need a good boat with a motor.
Why?
To take a friend of ours
away from Greece.
Basil? You want to drown him?
No.
Well, yes, but no.
A Greek friend.
What's his name?
I can't say it.
How do you spell it?
No, I can pronounce it,
I don't want to say it.
It's a so-called Communist fugitive.
He's staying with us.
Your Mr Vangelatos?
Shush!
The wanted guy?
Yes.
He's a good man.
He needs to get
to the nearest safe country.
OK.
I'm so sorry about you and Mother.
Not as sorry as I am.
But she's safe, well and...
wonderful?
Yes. She is.
MARGO SPEAKS IN GREEK
Hello!
Beauty, haircutting.
Hi, hi.
Very cheap. I have my own scissors.
And I trim pets' hair rather well.
Have a think and come back here
tomorrow to book an appointment.
LADIES RESPOND IN GREEK
GONG
Argh! Ah, Super!
Mr Durrell.
What brings you to our house?
I would like to visit
the new guesthouse.
To make sure everything is in order.
Everyone, the superintendent
and two nice policeman
are going to check
that everything's in order!
Lots of people are snoozing.
Superintendent!
Leslie.
Can I ask you one thing?
Um, out here,
because it's, it's personal.
What?
Can I have my old job back?
No.
But I'm a natural policeman.
I hate injustice,
love a uniform...
SIGHS
Ah! Superintendent.
What a joy.
You must sit and have tea and cake.
All of you. I know how much
you bobbies love your pastries.
Only me.
My men will examine the house.
Go.
I'm excited to be in your quarters.
I need to see your search warrant.
You can't come up.
My girlfriend's naked.
She's ferocious. Australian.
And will scream
so I'd, I'd give her a moment.
We can do this.
- Make sure it's tight.
- Yes, yes.
OK, come on...
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There we are, we did it.
GRUNTS
Bugger.
Oh...
You are a pretty lady.
Oh.
I'm a handsome man.
We should be lovely together.
Oh, yes.
You sleep alone, that is a waste.
Well, not really, you see,
I thrash about in bed.
I thought so.
Oh, no, not in that way!
No, I've just...
POLICEMEN ENTERING
Hello, ah, the police.
Let me show you my owl.
Ulysses.
Isn't he magnificent?
Take your time, give him a stroke.
OWL COUGHS
Eurgh.
The wise owl
has gobbled the pretty mouse.
If I wanted to be gobbled,
it wouldn't be by you.
And Spiro is not crooked,
he's painfully honourable.
I will inspect the house.
We have information you are hiding
a communist desperado.
Grab the rope!
GRUNTS
GRUNTS
Ah...
- I'm not going up!
- Mum, what do we do now?
Hi.
GIRL: You're not allowed here.
POLICEMEN TALKING IN GREEK
Scuse me!
Wait!
GERRY: You can't go up there!
Go back
and fold those things nicely.
You have no warrant!
SUSPENSEFUL GREEK STRINGS
POLICEMEN SPEAK IN GREEK
Oh, my God...
No!
Wait!
No, no, no!
We meet again, Superintendent.
LARRY: No, no, no!
We need to get something to help...
Get what?
Be careful...
SUPERINTENDENT SPEAKS IN GREEK
Careful, that's it!
Argh!
Hold tight!
That's it, nearly there!
Can't watch.
LESLIE: I've got it, I've got it.
I know what's happened,
I heard you shouting
about a Communist desperado.
Guilty, that'll be me!
Yep. Who'd have thought?
Like a lot of posh Brits,
I toyed with Marxism.
Before realising it was tosh.
That's it.
So proud. Well done.
Move.
LESLIE: Quick!
So, we'll wait here
and hope that Spiro's found a boat.
Emilia went back to her old lover.
He's a better revolutionary than me.
Aw...
I shot a man, that is so bad.
Nah...
Love makes us do crazy things.
The sweet madness.
So this man, Spiro, is your lover?
No.
His wife would have to die first.
Do you want me
to do anything about it?
Don't joke!
Anyway, you'd only miss.
You know I...
used to confide in Spiro
in a way I can't even with Larry,
or anyone.
So I feel adrift.
The guesthouse
was supposed to give me purpose.
And we all need purpose, don't we?
Keep your family safe and well,
overthrow a government.
Change the world with a novel.
Love animals.
You're a terribly good listener.
Oh, yes, I've been told.
Spiro is such a lovely man.
But we can't be together. Why?
I know he wants to be with me.
He should be rescuing me
as well as you.
Thank you.
You must talk to him again,
for your own sanity.
And then who knows?
Be kinder to yourself.
It's the classic cleft stick.
How do you fight
the authoritarian state?
Brutally,
then you're playing their game.
I hope they haven't fallen off the
cliff.
Passively, well, then
you're a de facto supporter
and an apologist.
Too many words.
The more I think about it,
the closer Vangelatos and I are.
My novels are bullets
bringing down the forces
of literary oppression.
That's balls!
Are they really?
But books are actually important!
So I've recced and I don't think
we're being watched.
Larry, find Spiro,
see what's happening with that boat.
So I said,
I may be a solicitor
but if you prick us,
do we not bleed?
Basil, Lugaretzia, dancers.
If the police arrive,
tell them we have gone on a picnic.
You don't know where.
What shall I do?
Put the owl down.
Oh, no, don't do that!
No, put the owl down.
Right, with you.
We'll go to the cove
in case something's gone wrong.
Leslie is like handsome general.
I've not been included again,
have I?
Do you ever feel
like you have outgrown your family?
There they are.
We brought food and water.
Here, you'll need these
for your journey.
Not, not now.
Look!
Where?
I can't see it.
Kestrel. Just above the headland.
But, there is something...
Come on...
Ah, just in time to say goodbye.
Spiro, what can I say?
Nothing.
I think he's on his way to Malta.
Spiro...
Sell it!
You'll need money to survive.
The owner owes me favour.
Goodbye.
This is a sad moment.
You bloody liar.
I brought you a fascinating book
to read on your journey.
It's about even-toed ungulates.
Thank you! What a treat!
Don't get them muddled up
with the odd-toed ungulates.
Shut up, Gerry, my turn.
It's very old but you might need it.
No.
I am a pacifist now.
That's a bit of an overreaction.
If there is war,
we'll have to get
used to these sorts of ordeals.
Crisscrossing the Mediterranean
to search for safety.
Please come to the house in an hour.
UPLIFTING MUSIC
Bye!
It's too sad being strangers.
I know.
Can we stop?
Yes, please.
Goodbye!
Goodbye!
How did it go?
Beautifully.
Mr Vangelatos
is on his way to safety.
As sole guest,
you have my full attention, Basil.
Well, in fact, I realise
I've been a goon and a swine
so I... we wanted to thank you.
For putting up with us.
Ta-da!
Well, I'm touched.
Ah, not you! Just your mummy.
Now, I know some of you
have your doubts
about Ulysses' intelligence
and suitability
as a mascot of my zoo,
given his history of vomiting.
But, prepare to be disabused.
Ooh, good vocabulary.
Thank you.
Come on, boy.
Yeah...
OWL SCREECHES
Ulysses, come on...
Hup!
Ulysses... hup!
Ta-da!
Hmm...
Margo, where were you?
Don't worry about me.
I've been planning my life.
Did Vang make it?
Yes, he's headed for Malta.
Oh, thank God.
As I wasn't there to wish him well,
I did this for him.
Come on, sweetheart.
LAUGHTER
SHEEP BAAS
BASIL: Good Lord.
I made the hair dye myself.
Red for revolution, white for peace.
Never mind that revolution crap,
those are the colours
of good old St George.
Don't gang up.
We love Margo.
Sorry, darling. Have a bun.
You can't fob me off this time.
I'm opening a salon in Corfu Town.
My life's about to begin.
No, Margo,
you can't make big announcements.
Why not?
Because I am. I'm moving out.
Spiro's going to drive me up to
Kalami.
What? No! Why, where?
It's up the coast, it's paradise,
nothing to do but write.
Despite what you may think,
I take my art seriously.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I'll write letters,
brilliant letters.
Oh, look, Spiro.
Back the way it used to be.
Margo's gone!
We must search the island.
There's a mad colonel staying
with us and he's paying Leslie
to take him to kill wild boar.
So we're going to stop them.
Good.
I will come back tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
You've got a woman, haven't you?
You have a wife you want to keep
and me here
waiting for you just in case.
Cuddle an animal today!
GONG
BANG
Subtitles by TVT