The Durrells in Corfu (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Episode #3.6 - full transcript

Ah! It's in my nose! Why
would you wanna be in there?

Oh!

Oh! Uh!

Uh!

Oh, God.

Oh, look at you all...

Flea-ridden.

- We'll have to have this
party indoors. - What? No.

No. I've spent ages rigging
up Gerry's rope ride.

I loath insects -- so unimaginative.

- Gerry! Nature is a disgrace!
- Don't be mean to him on his birthday.



Maybe we can distract the bugs.

What... Tell them there's a big,
open pot of jam in Corfu town?

No. Start a fire, or...

You all think I'm an idiot, don't you?

I've been trying to think of
anecdotes about Gerry's life...

and apart from ruddy animal
stories, there aren't any...

- or photos.
- Last-child syndrome.

You know, it's not fair.
He's my little boy,

and if we don't have
any memories about him,

- we'll have to make them up.
- That's ridiculous.

There's nothing better than a
children's birthday party, is there?

- Gerry has changed.
- Oh, good. Yes, we must all change.

Not change clothes. She
means he's growing up.

Ah!



Gerry! Gerry, I've got a cake
bowl for you to lick! Yum yum!

Leslie. I told you we need
to have the party indoors.

- Oh, God. One's got in!
- Just please come inside. This is hopeless.

No. No. It'll be amazing. When Gerry
comes down this, he'll feel like a bird.

But... we've got pass the parcel.

He wants something more manly than that.

- We're like three peculiar brides.
- Oh, yes. I'm very hot in here.

- Yes, this isn't going
to work, is it? - No. No.

I hate being indoors. Reminds
me of being in Bournemouth.

So, how is your Gerry
anecdote coming along, Margo?

I'll do the time we were shopping, and we
lost him, and we found him in the sweet shop,

telling the shopkeeper he was a
lord and deserved more sweets.

Oh. I don't remember that.

No. It didn't happen. You
said make something up.

- Yes. - You do like to
manage our lives, don't you?

- Parties are much work.
- Yes, pleasure often is.

Surprise yourself, Lugaretzia.
Relax. Wear a bloody colour.

I wonder if Gerry's little
girlfriend is coming to the party.

He's not old enough for a girlfriend.

Daphne's well enough to come, I hope.

Of course. Pregnancy isn't an illness.

Are you actually telling me,
mother of four, what pregnancy is?

Well, you've probably forgotten.

What's happening with you
and Daphne? I can't keep up.

She and I are... good friends,
who, through no fault of our own,

- are having a baby together.
- It's all very modern.

Well, I'm intensely modern, but
what's wrong with a bit of romance?

Gerry says his first word...

Tortoise.

Oh, have you wrapped the
'pass the parcel' parcel?

The 'pass the parcel' parcel. Yes.

Well, I hope you put in it what I said.
Not a French letter, as you threatened.

Well, we'll have to find out, won't we?

Spiros.

Drinks, glasses, cutlery,

and Leslie's favourite little sausages.

Now it's a party.

Thank you, Spiros. Do stay and relax.

Yes, hang up your stylish headwear.

- Oh. I'm sorry.
- I will bring the rest in.

He's not his usual blithe
and festive self, is he?

No, he hasn't been for a while.

Good. I can't stand people
who are jolly all the time.

Well, I like them.

Ah! The birthday boy.

Are you looking forward
to the fun and games?

Can we please not make a fuss?

It's your birthday! We have to.
And it's not really about you.

Fine. But no speeches. Or actual games.

But lots of people who
love you are coming,

so we may say a few words...
in between the games.

What's the matter with him?

Well, you know Gerry -- probably
just missing his animals.

Yes, you're right. Let's
bring some indoors.

~

Gerry!

Happy now, poppet?

Thank you?

No, you mustn't -- Hm.

Ah!

What the hell is wrong with Gerry?

It's his birthday. He needs to have fun,

and I'm going to make sure he gets it.

[It smells wonderful, doesn't it?]

You need to breed certain
wild species in captivity.

Otherwise, they will just disappear.

The problem is that we need
to find a way to help them

to adjust back to their
natural environment.

And how are Gerry's studies going

since I had to give up tutoring him
after he wrestled me to the ground?

Excellent.

Yes, his French is every bit
as good as his arithmetic now.

Ah. And how good is that?

- We're surprised by
how good it is. - Ah-ha.

Well, I had holidays
in Scotland as a child,

so I'm used to plagues of midges.

- Ah, the old Mac-midges.
- Aye.

- Buzzin' round the house.
- Aye.

- We can do better than that.
- Yes.

Have you met my niece, Nelly?
She's 17. Visiting from Batley.

Hello, I'm Larry -- as in 'Happy as...'

- Happy as what?
- H... Happy as Larry.

- Oh, well. - Nelly's come
to help look after the baby.

- Hm. How is that going?
- Dreadful.

Sausages.

So, no help whatsoever. But
awash with a northern charm.

Ah, I think you've found
your look, Zoltan.

Are you all right, Spiros?
Yes. This isn't you.

- Where's the buoyant Spiros?
- Dead. I'm his miserable twin brother, Roy.

- Bad things happened to me.
- What bad things?

Roy?

As you're here, Dr Petridis --
my knee is doing odd things.

I'm afraid this evening I'm not a doctor.

Please. I can hear it in bed, creaking.

- Here.
- OK.

Darwin is interesting about the gender
gap in relation to natural selection.

Yeah, but what did Darwin know?
Just an old bloke in a white beard.

Well, he evolved into the white
beard from a face like yours.

- Time for some games.
- Hurrah.

Apple-bobbing contest!

- Right. Now, Gerry...
- I'll let someone else do it.

- Mr Kralefsky.
- Oh, with pleasure. I love to bob!

No. No, thank you.
You'll never get up again.

- Oh, I'll have a go.
- Leslie.

No, no, no. I'm a respectable policeman.

- Oh, go on then.
- Oh.

Must be the highest average
age for apple bobbers ever.

One minute. No hands.

- Imagine you're a goat.
- A goat?

- Oh.
- Ah!

Woo!

Oh! Well done.

Slightly, uh, less weirdly...

Who'd like to fly through
the air like a bird...

.. on my thrilling birthday ride of death!

Well, that's not gonna
attract people, is it?

I would like to try again, with bananas.

I am always much better with bananas.

- Well, give someone else a go. Larry?
- No, thank you.

- Daphne! You came.
- I slept all day to be lively now.

There you go. Easy does it.

A glass of wine for the pregnant lady.

Here you go. So, that's
all... That's all fine.

I've been reading books
about having a baby.

I see it may cause gas and bloating. Yeah.

- For me or for you?
- Daphne! - Hello, ladies.

Can anyone guess why
Spiros is being moody?

Perhaps his children are annoying him.

Hm. Does that happen?

Oh, Sven, Florence. Why don't
you come and have a go on my

thrilling aerial safety-trapeze,
as I'm now calling it?

- Love to! But I want to live.
- I've got water in my head.

All right, then. I'll
demonstrate. Come on. Upstairs!

- Spiros is sick and will not live.
- Oh. Who did you hear that from?

- No, you say, "Guess
what is wrong." - What?

- Always remember to hold on tight.
- Nobody else is going down, Leslie.

Also, always bend your
knees as you make the...

You're letting in bugs!

Oh! Oh! Oooh!

You know, I've been having
some... exotic dreams, recently.

Oh! What about?

- (You don't want to know.)
- Hm?

Oh. Hm. Oh. Hm.

Oh. Well, you look horribly solemn.

I hate to interrupt the
slightly-subdued fun,

but we'd love to say a few words
about Gerry on his birthday.

You only turn 12 once.

- Thirteen. - Isn't he
13? - That would be twice.

Oh, yeah. Right. Sorry.

Anyway... Gerald.

He loves an animal, as you'll all --

Yes. Thank you.

But to us... he'll always be
the eternal baby of the family.

Though the youngest in a crowded family,

we have so many happy memories of him.

- We really do.
- Oh.

- Margo.
- Yes.

We were out shopping once...

- probably for gin, as it was mother's
drinking years... - Yes. Thank you.

.. and we looked around,
and Gerry was lost,

but we found him in another shop.

[A bit...]

- Oh, crap. Did I miss something out?
- As Mark Twain said,

"There has never been, as
yet, an uninteresting life."

He clearly hasn't met my uncle, Geoffrey.

No. He's fine.

But picture this scene from Gerry's youth.

The Durrell family were
at a civic unveiling...

- Oh, I love this one,
sweetie. This is... - Yes.

I was trying to do
something special for him!

.. and Gerry looks the mare in the eye,

and says, "Well, I don't
know what you call it,

but that looks like an arse to me."

- Oh. - Thank you, Larry. - Yes.

And now, if you'll all join
me in raising a glass to Gerry

- on his 12th birthday.
- It's my 13th birthday.

I'm 13. Everyone knows except you.

- Well, yes. Oops.
- No, not "Oops."

You keep treating me like an
infant. I knew you'd embarrass me.

Do you think I'm stupid? I know
all those stories were made up.

And do you know I'm a vegetarian
now? But what do you do?

You cut ham into the
shape of carrots for me!

- Why won't you just let me grow
up? - Come on, Gerry. - Hopeless!

- Gerry, it's all right.
- And this "pass the parcel"...

Leave me alone!

What a lovely baby dog.

Ah...

It's me.

He hates me.

Little wretch.

How dare he not warm to our
finely-honed reminiscences?

Oh, I just want to hold him and
squeeze him, like he's five again.

Well, that is his point.
He's leapt forward.

Haven't you noticed? The average age
of his human friends is about 50.

Yes, but that's another reason
to treat him like a child.

He was so angry with me.

Look at these.

Gerry wrote this just
after we arrived in Corfu.

And this one last week.
They're historical documents.

Gerry's going to be a really good writer.

I'm proud.

You're all just moving further
away from me every year.

You know, the last time you let
me brush your teeth for you,

or the last time you let me hold your hand

- as we walked across the road...
- And look what replaces that.

Living as equals. Us helping you for once.

Holding YOUR hand to
help YOU cross the road.

Right. Well, from now on,

I'm going to treat Gerry
like a 13-year-old.

- Or 14, to be on the safe side. - Mm.

Let's be miserable sons
of the bitches together.

Gerrys...

you are sad because you are...

.. at the start of your adult
life, and it can be hell.

And I am sad because...
suddenly, it feels...

.. like I'm at the end of mine.

~

So, the first person to pin
the tail on the donkey...

well... touch it, as it's alive -- wins.

- Go! - Go slow. - Left.

OK. Right. Right more.

Be careful of the
animals. Careful. Careful.

Oh!

He's cheating. You have
to go the other way.

~

Ahh.

Gerry threw me out of his room.

It smells of animals,
and the sloth scares me.

- Right.
- Larry, I will teach you songs

that will make you cry
hot tears of sorrow.

Where did you find my guitar?

Gerry was hiding it,

- because you are so bad.
- What?

Leslie, what are you
doing? You're cheating.

I'm not cheating. I'm
protecting my unborn child.

- Turn around! Fruity, fruity.
- That's it, Daphne. Come on!

- I can smell you.
- Well, you've had practice with Leslie.

He's cheating. You have
to go the other way.

Gerry worships you, you know that.

He won't if I keep getting it wrong.

Well, I was a bit surprised
you hadn't noticed.

Gerry's been the most mature
person in your family for years.

- Hey!
- That's OK.

- ~
- Battle begins, men.

You're right. Fine. Change of plan.

I found it!

It's Theo.

- How's the party?
- Lively.

Your outburst lit the
touch paper on the evening.

I shouldn't have done it. I
just couldn't shut myself up.

Your mother can't always
get it right. She loves you.

Love's easy.

It's not embarrassing
me that's the hard part.

Embarrassment is
temporary. Love is eternal.

I promise I didn't get that
out of a Christmas cracker.

Make her feel less bad.

I don't know why, but

I've never been very good
with the... emotional words.

- Hello.
- Hello.

I'm sorry I miscalculated your age.

- I brought you a beer.
- Thank you.

Yeah. Tastes good.

Ah. It's a shandy, actually,
but there's a lot of beer in it.

- Do come and join us. When
you feel ready. - I will.

(Oops.)

Let's play.

Yes. There we go.

I love to see knowledge being passed on.

- Easy does it. Woo!
- Ah, you got it.

- I can't grab it.
- Come on, Zoltan. That's it.

- Oh! - Zoltan! - What are you doing?

- Zoltan, what was that?
- Squeeze harder, Pavlos.

That's it, Zoltan.

Come on, come on, come
on. Pick up the pace.

Yes!

Yes! We won! Even with a setback.

~

- Right. I must just go.
- Now, I will translate. - Ah.

"I feel dead inside. I
am crying all the time.

We are in the... We are in the..."

- What is it?
- In the way? In the conservatory?

No. Er, "We are in..."

Wouldn't you prefer a cheerier song?

♪ I'm Henry the eighth, I am

♪ She wouldn't have a Willy or a Sam

♪ I'm a bit of an oaf, I am

♪ Dum-dum-da-da-dum ♪

Yes, now I can see that wouldn't work.

I should really be downstairs helping.

One more. One more.

Spiros says divide the
cube root of 64 in half,

and give the answer in
your second language.

- Dyo! - Two! - Deux. Two. - Wait.

Spiros says, shake your
scaphoid bone in the air.

Yay!

- Get down on the floor
and roll over. - Yes!

- Bye, Margo.
- He didn't say "Spiros says."

- I'm not playing any more.
- Aw. Margo.

- Come on, Pavlos.
- Yay, Gerry.

- Gerry!
- Ah, Gerry.

Have you met Florence's
niece, Nelly, properly?

- Er, no. Good evening.
- How do?

Oh, why don't you two
join me in the kitchen,

where it's quieter.

Leslie, I'm looking forward to...

Oh, busy here. Ah, well, come through.

I'm looking --

I'm looking forward --

I'm looking forward to our baby's parties.

Right.

So, are you scared of having the baby?

Oh, no. Why spoil the joy by being scared?

There. That's much nicer.

Now you can get to know
each other quietly here. Ooh!

No, come on. Don't be boring.

The party gets better and better.

I hope that's reassured you.

Although it looked angry,
it's... perfectly harmless.

(~)

- Are you sure, Pavlos?
- Yes.

~

I'll get a ladder.

I hear Yorkshire has some
stunning habitats for...

for birds of prey.

- Does it?
- Yes.

Mm. That's a good beer.

- I don't like beer.
- Glad you said that. Nor do I.

- Why am I sitting here with you?
- I've no idea.

Thank you.

It was nice here with you,

but I don't think we could ever
be boyfriend and girlfriend.

What are you going on about?

You're a flamin' kid. I'm
a worldly-wise woman.

Aaah! Stupid, embarrassing mother.

So, you like me more now?

You know I always liked you.
It's just when this happened,

when you stopped being Daphne
and became the mother of a child

I thought I didn't want...

- And now?
- Come here.

Goodbye.

It's important that men are
sad together sometimes.

No, it isn't. And I wasn't sad

until you dragged me into
your crucible of despair.

I'm starting to envy the bugs who
knock themselves out on the window.

Sorry.

I'm going downstairs... on the off
chance that anyone's still there.

Come on!

Apart from anything, mother is twice
as happy whenever you're around.

But first, quickly, and
without singing about it,

you have to tell me, what
is the matter with you?

People change.

Sometimes, you feel
that you know someone...

but it turns out...

.. you don't.

Who are you talking about?

Dancing and drinking.

I'm not a very good dancer, so...

- You need to talk to Spiros.
- Oh, what's happened?

He said not to tell you, but...

.. his wife has left him.

- Can I take my shoes off?
- Yes, of course.

Dance with me?

Galini!

I wanted to come before, but I was
looking after my little brother.

It's OK.

Happy birthday.

Oh. It is now you're here.

Oh, it's the dog-worming powder I need.

Thank you so much.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, hey! Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, hey!

Come on.

- What's that?
- This? Oh, nothing really.

'Do you understand me at all? No
surprise the young fly the nest

to make their own way in freedom
without your suffocating embrace.'

- Gerry didn't mean it. He's just
experimenting with verse... - It's all right.

Gerry's not the first
angry adolescent, I just...

I just thought I was his
friend, as well as his parent.

Come on. That never works.
Friendships are two-a-penny.

Why would you want that
when you're his mother?

And, a stonking row is much
more illuminating than civility.

It has never been the same

since I single-handedly defended an
innocent postmistress from an unruly mob.

Oh.

There were a dozen of them hell-bent
on stealing postal orders.

No more doctoring. I'm
here to enjoy myself!

Oh, b...

Wait, wait, everyone come
back. We can't hear the music.

~

- Oh, come on. We have
to go home. - What?

Now, where did I leave the
baby? Oh, yes. Kitchen.

Nelly!

Ten years learning to become a doctor.

I should have followed my
dream -- become a dancer.

Yes, darling. Come on.

A dancer? Oh, yes. A dancer.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, hey! Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, hey!

As Gerry's been making a
fuss about being older...

.. let me round off the evening
with this note of levity.

Although, as a policeman, I should advise you
that vandalism can carry a sentence of up to --

- Oh, shush.
- Oh, shut up.

You look like you're finally in love.
Are you happy to be having a baby?

Well... it's been a
very emotional evening.

No, it's fine. I'll answer.

Yes, I am glad we're having a baby,

and I'm ashamed it took me
this long to feel that way.

Blimey.

Excellent.

Since we're getting
everything out in the open...

No, I'll only mess it up.

I have to go.

You can tell me anything.
You know that, don't you?

Or any of us. You're
like the sixth Durrell...

.. unless that's a depressing thought.

You already have the sixth Durrell.

Tell Gerrys... happy birthday.

- Everyone's changing.
- Except me, actually.

- Come on. Let's walk you home.
- Thank you.

- And I'll walk you home.
- Thank you.

I'm sorry, Frank. You're the
only young male available.

Do you mind me talking to you like this?

Everyone else seems to have a partner.

Well, except Larry, and God
knows who he's got lined up.

And perhaps Spiros. And he's gone.

Get some sleep.

I'll go downstairs and
make up a bed for Galini.

No. Stay.

Thank you for throwing me a
birthday party. I enjoyed it.

Oh, look, your pants are on fire.

I feel like I'm always messing up and
having to apologise to you, but...

.. I won't apologise for wanting
you to stay 12 forever...

.. because I will always love you...

.. but you are especially
perfect right now.

Or I was when I was
12... because I'm 13 now.

Oh, yes. Yes, so I gather.

And I'll always love you, too.

I know you saw my... attempted poem

but, that was a, well...
Let's call it a first draft.

- This is what I really mean.
- Oh, right.

'You understand me completely,
with occasional lapses,

and when I fly away, it will
always be to return to your embrace,

here, in this mad, warm nest of love,
where one day I will make you a zoo.

It's what you've always wanted. Trust me.'

Thank you.

Two highly-strung writers in the house.

- No wonder I'm weeping.
- Night-night.

Dr Petridis? Is that you?

I heard you were kindly giving
discreet consultations in the cupboard.

Hello.

Thank you for a lovely party, Mrs Durrell.

- (Where did she spring from?)
- It is a party, isn't it?

I'll walk you home.
Well, part the way home.

[Right, let's go.]

- Mrs Durrells.
- Spiros.

I think you know already.

My wife has left me.

Oh, Spiros.

.. and taken the children
to her mother in Athens.

I couldn't tell you because...

.. I'm ashamed... that I, er...

- I have let my family
break apart. - No.

Why has she gone?

I don't know.

I lent money and I lose it.

I spend too much time with other people...

including you.

- Ah.
- Maybe we're different now.

And she... she has just
fallen out of love with me.

What do you feel about her?

I don't know.

I just can't bear not
having my children near me.

Anyway...

.. I'm glad I've told you.

It is not easy. The
house seems very quiet.

I'm sure.

I must go.

I saw several couples on
the road, walking home.

I should drive them.

If I can't be happy, at least they can.

You know, you can... be happy.

Henry Miller -- America's
greatest-living writer.

- You will go and arrest
Sven Lundblad. - Stop!

- How can you love a job that
involves arresting Sven? - Oh, Leslie.

- Mrs Durrells!
- We are taking it easy today.

The two men you love
the most need rescuing.

I'm going to say a bad thing.

We are here to formally challenge
the detention of Sven Lundblad!