The Donna Reed Show (1958–1966): Season 1, Episode 19 - Jeff vs. Mary - full transcript
Jeff starts to think that his parents prefer Mary more than they do him.
Well, that's it, Mrs. Stone.
Would you care to inaugurate
your new intercom system
with a couple of choice words?
Yes.
All I do is turn this little
knob when I want to talk?
All there is to it.
Now, remember, Mother,
it should be something
solemn and dignified.
Oh, well, I was just
going to tell Daddy
we're having meatloaf
sandwiches for lunch.
Mother, it should be
something inspiring and historic.
I've been getting by for years
with just plain, "1, 2, 3, 4."
Well, it's very
difficult to be historic
at a moment's notice, Mary.
Why don't you speak first
and I'll go listen with Daddy?
Don't be nervous,
honey. Now, go ahead.
Okay.
Make it a short historic
announcement, please,
so I can get back to
the shop right away.
Okay.
Alex, stand by for...
Hi, darling.
Bo!
- Bo, when did you get back?
- Just this morning.
- You look marvelous.
- Oh, thank you.
He just got in two minutes ago,
still full of French champagne.
No, that's a lie. I
didn't touch a drop.
Oh, I drank a few gallons,
but I didn't touch a drop.
How did it go?
Were you a success?
Oh, naturally.
I read my paper for the
assembled delegates.
They all listened respectfully.
Then a very eminent
French obstetrician said,
"Return to America, Doctor.
There is nothing we
can teach you here."
Local boy makes good.
That was good, wasn't it?
Well, he smiled when he said it.
Alex, we'll have to have a
homecoming party for Bo.
That's right.
- How about Friday night?
- Fine.
It's great to go away.
Pretty girls make a fuss over
you when you come home.
Hey, what's going on?
I'm about to inaugurate
our new intercom.
Hey, what have
you got on your arm?
- Will you please be quiet?
- Those are mine!
- Who said you could wear them?!
- Shut up!
How are the kids?
Bo, need you ask?
They're marvelous. Perfect.
- Oh, I almost forgot.
- What?
The next voice you
hear will be Mary's.
Now, listen.
You hand them over!
Take your grubby
hands off of me, Jeff!
You give them back to me!
- You're breaking my wrist!
- That's what I'm trying to do!
If that's perfect,
what do they sound like
when they're being horrible?
Daddy, will you please
tell this repulsive creature
to keep his hands to himself?
I'm repulsive? She
ruined my magic set.
At ease. One at a time.
Ladies first.
Well, Daddy, I saw
these rings lying around.
- I thought they'd...
- Lying around?
She swiped them
out of my magic kit!
All right, simmer
down! Both of you.
Mary.
Now, you know that those
rings are part of Jeff's magic set.
Tell her, Dad.
But on the other hand,
has she ruined the
rings by wearing them?
No, but why does she
got to latch on to my things
without asking me?
You didn't ask Mary when you
latched on to her tennis racket.
No, but I got chopped
to pieces for it.
Jeff, there's no harm in
Mary's wearing your magic rings
when you're not using them.
I should have known
you'd decide it that way.
I never win.
Oh, here, Jeff.
Take your magic rings if
they mean so much to you.
No, you keep them.
You can wear them in
your nose for all I care.
Jeff, stop acting like a baby.
"Jeff, stop acting like a baby."
"It's all right for Mary to
wear your magic rings."
But if I touch
her tennis racket,
off to the electric chair.
Hi, Jeffy boy.
Your mom home?
Got a special today
on my spot remover.
I tried that sample you left,
and it burnt a
hole in my sweater.
Well, next time, follow my
mimeographed instructions.
Now, where's your mom?
Inside, poisoning my lunch.
What are you so happy about?
Oh, it's that sister of mine.
Everything she does
she gets a gold medal for.
- Everything I do...
- I know.
It's just like me and my
creepy brother Lionel.
Just because he's older.
Jeffy boy, we're up against
the law of vanishing returns.
The law of what?
Well, vanishing returns.
Well, take Mary, for instance.
How did your parents
act when she was born?
Well, I wasn't around.
She got here first, as usual.
Well, they probably declared a
national holiday or something.
But what happened
when you got born?
I don't remember.
Nothing.
They had it up to here by then.
It's the law of
vanishing returns.
How were your
grades last semester?
Pretty bad.
Mostly C's.
I got a couple of B's, though.
And what did Mary get?
Mostly A's.
She studies.
But if you studied, you'd
get straight A's, wouldn't you?
Maybe.
See?
You're as smart as she is.
Smarter.
So why shouldn't you
have the same privileges?
You and me, we're in the
same boat... the S.S. Misery.
Your only chance
is to stick it out
till Mary grows up and
leaves, just like me and Lionel.
Till then, they get the apples.
And we get the worms.
Hey, Mother, can I
stay up for the party?
- Well, we'll see.
- Okay.
If you let me stay up,
I'll play the piano for you.
Mary, we love to hear you
play, but this is a grown-up party.
I'm practically grown up, Daddy.
Well, Uncle Bo's
mad about music.
You know he always
asks me to play, Mother.
If Uncle Bo asks you to play,
you can play something short.
Like the Minute Waltz.
That'll drive them out of
the house in 10 seconds flat.
Listen, if it's entertainment
you want, I'll be right back.
The Minute Waltz will be fine,
but only if Uncle Bo asks you.
Okay.
Here, Mom, pick a
card. This'll stupefy you.
And practice so that it doesn't
take longer than a minute.
Mom, you didn't
even look at the card.
Yes, I did. It was
the ace of diamonds.
Mom, I'm supposed to tell you.
What difference
does it make, Jeff?
Look at your cards. They're
all the ace of diamonds.
Jeff, we know the trick.
Well, no one at
the party will know
if she keeps her
mouth buttoned up.
What party? You'll be in bed.
Mom, will I have to go to bed?
Well, after all, dear,
your bedtime is 8:30.
Well, maybe we can stretch
a point and make it 9:00.
Some stretch.
Mary gets to stay
up, but I can't.
Jeff, she's older than you are.
I know.
I'm up against the law
of vanishing returns.
What in the world
is wrong with him?
Ask me something easy.
For instance, what is the
law of vanishing returns?
What do you want, Zack?
Oh, just passing by.
Lionel got to go out
dancing and prancing.
So I thought I'd
take a little walk.
Say, that's quite
a party going on.
Well, it's all right if you
like that sort of thing.
Your folks let you
stay out this late?
What they don't
know won't hurt them.
Your folks always send
you up to your room
whenever they throw a party?
Well, I left 'cause I got bored.
Sure.
Well, I'm going
down to the drugstore,
bore myself into a soda.
Want to come along?
Well, I'd like to,
only I'm broke.
Oh, that's okay.
I'll loan you the dough.
Well, I don't know.
I'm kind of beat.
Say, that's Mary
playing, isn't it?
Yeah. That's the big
reason why I walked out.
Hey, listen to the
hand she's getting.
I just remembered. I
do have some money.
I'm coming with you.
You outdid yourself
tonight, sweetie.
Played The Minute Waltz in
59 seconds... a new record.
You sure you don't want to hear
the Turkish March before you go?
No, dear. It's too late.
Besides, doctors
have to get up early.
Okay, but I could
have played all night.
Good night, Mother.
Good night, Daddy.
- Good night, Uncle Bo.
- Good night, honey.
Oh, she's a doll, that one.
Yes, we kind of like her.
Say, I wanted to ask you,
is something bothering Jeff?
Why?
Well, when he said good night,
he asked me if I had
any books on psychology.
Said he wanted to read up
on the law of vanishing returns.
What do you suppose ails him?
You got me.
If you have a copy of
that book, I'd like to read it.
So would I.
- Good night, honey.
- Good night, Bo.
Goodnight, Bo. See you soon.
Good night.
I'll just go up and
see if Jeff's covered.
Okay, darling.
Jeff?
Jeff?
I could be wrong,
but that looks like Jeff.
Darling, are you sure you
weren't imagining things?
I give you my word, this
bed wasn't even turned down.
Okay, so I'm guilty.
Warm up the electric chair.
Good morning, Jeff.
What would you
like for breakfast?
Don't bother. I
can get it myself.
A chicken leg?
Oh, excuse me.
- Were you saving it for Mary?
- Don't be silly.
If you want a chicken dinner
for breakfast, go ahead.
I want a few more details
about your excursion last night.
I just felt like
taking a little stroll.
I know you've told us that.
But why?
To get a chocolate soda.
Why?
Because I like chocolate sodas.
You know you're
going to be punished.
Well, naturally.
On second thought, I
don't think I'm very hungry.
Nothing like a midnight soda
to take the edge off
your appetite, is there?
Jeff, you've got
to eat something.
Here.
This is a switch.
An apple instead of a worm.
I don't like your attitude, your
behavior, or your tone of voice.
Now, I want to know why
you went out last night.
I just felt like
taking a little stroll.
Hi, Jeff, old man.
- Hi, Uncle Bo.
- What can I do for you?
Well, I got a pretty
serious problem.
So I came to see you.
Well, I'm very glad you did.
Come on, sit down.
Thanks.
You know, I kind of wish you
were a psychiatrist, though.
It's that kind of a problem.
Oh, I see.
Well, I didn't think you
were gonna have a baby.
I'm fairly well-versed
in psychology, Jeff.
Would you care to lie down,
and we'll analyze the situation?
No, thanks.
Anyway, this could
be a hopeless problem.
Oh.
Well, before you abandon hope,
Jeff, let me tell you something.
I've known you for
quite a few years.
And in my opinion, you're
as close to being a normal,
well-adjusted boy as anyone.
So whatever's wrong with
you, it can't be too serious.
Who said anything about me?
I'm talking about Mom and Dad.
So, what it amounts to is this.
Jeff is firmly convinced
that you love Mary much
more than you love him.
That is, if you love him at all.
But that's awful.
What did you say, Bo?
Well, I listened.
I said, "Uh-huh, go ahead."
You know, things like that.
Brilliant. Masterful.
Why didn't you
tell him the truth?
Look, he's your son, not mine.
I could tell him that you love
him till I'm blue in the face.
I think you're right.
Alex, we've got to go
have a talk with him.
Now, wait a minute.
How are you going to
introduce the subject?
Well, I'll just simply
say that you came...
That I came over and violated
a professional confidence?
That I ratted on him?
Well, you did, didn't you?
Okay, so I'm a rat.
Let's keep that
between the three of us.
All right, now, what are
we going to do about this?
Well, of course,
I'm not as brilliant and
masterful as some people.
But I'd say the
best way would be
if Jeff kind of
accidentally stumbled
on some evidence
that you love him.
I don't know just
what to suggest, but...
Hey, Mom, are you home?
Yes, sweetheart! Darling...
Control yourself.
All right.
I'll just go see what he wants.
Yes, sweetheart?
What is it?
Mom, is it all right if I
have some of the ice cream
in the refrigerator,
or is it all for Mary?
Well, of course not.
Take as much as you
like. Take it all, honey.
Mom, do you want me
to make myself sick?
Take as much as you'd
like, honey. Here, I'll get it.
Don't bother. I can manage. Mom!
Jeff, what do
you think you're...
Sweetheart, wouldn't
you like a dish instead?
If you insist.
- Hi, Jeffy boy.
- Hi, Zack.
Say, that wouldn't be chocolate
ice cream you're working on?
Well, it's not corn on the cob.
Go get a spoon and join me.
Tell your mom I changed the
formula for my spot remover.
What'd you do, take
out the carbolic acid?
I'll cheerfully refund the price
if it burns holes
in any clothes.
Hey, this is a pretty neat deal.
Who needs it?
You know, when I think
how hard I practiced
to put on a show for my folks...
Well, you finally
know the score.
Saying "I love you" over an
intercom... That's ridiculous.
Am I right, Bo?
There's no harm in
trying, is there, Bo?
How did I get in this anyway?
Me, a childless bachelor?
Alex, do you have a better idea?
We've got to do something.
That poor child is in
there eating his heart out.
Tell you what.
I'll take this set
off your hands.
Give you 50 cents for it.
50 cents?
It cost me over $2.
Jeffy boy, take a
look at the nick on that.
And look at the crack
in this thing. See?
Oh, all right.
You can have it for 50 cents.
I'll never touch
it again anyway.
It's a deal.
Everything all here?
Everything except
the handkerchief trick.
That's up in my room.
I'll get it for you.
Darling, I'm sorry
to bother you.
I know you're busy.
But there's something
we really should talk about.
I mean, we really should.
Yes, I am busy, dear.
But if you...
I wonder who left that thing on.
Well, lately, I've noticed
certain telltale
signs of resentment,
a feeling that we're
playing favoritism.
I mean, like when Jeff wanted
to put on his magic show
at the party,
we let Mary play
the piano instead
and we sent Jeff off to bed.
Now, take the ice cream
and the chicken leg.
Imagine Jeff thinking we
were saving it for Mary.
You know what I think?
I think that Jeff thinks that we
love Mary more than we love him.
That's what I think.
What do you think, dear?
I think it's ridiculous. The
whole thing is ridiculous.
Alex!
It's so obvious.
I mean, we...
Oh, yes.
We give Mary so many
privileges that Jeff doesn't have.
Yes, she has a key to the house.
And she gets to go to movies
at night just because she's older.
Poor Jeff.
He's been up against
the law of vanishing...
Yeah, vanishing
returns for so long
that I don't blame him
for becoming bitter.
When I think of it, I could cry.
Listen, if you're going
to start to blubber, I'm...
Jeff doesn't know it.
But I was frantic with worry
when I found him
gone last night.
Why, there isn't a night goes
by that I don't go up to his room
and check to see if he's
kicked the covers off him.
And, well, I know I shouldn't
treat him like a baby, but I do,
because he is my
baby and always will be.
Well, I guess if we
had a dozen like Mary,
I couldn't love them
any more than I do Jeff.
When I meet someone,
you know the first thing I do?
The first thing I do
is take out my wallet
and show them
pictures of Mary and Jeff.
Now, I wouldn't want
this to get back to Mary,
but the picture I
show first is Jeff's.
Jeff's resentment is
essentially juvenile.
Now, every youngster
with an older...
Here you are.
Hope you have better
luck with it than I did.
It's no sale. I changed my mind.
All right, you can
have it for 40 cents.
A quarter?
All right, take it for nothing.
Listen, you juvenile, your
mom and dad got this set for you.
And the least you can do is
put on a little show for them.
Or it that asking too much?
Well, they'd walk
out right in the middle.
You said so yourself.
Have you flipped or something?
You talk like they
don't love you.
Well, what'd they do, repeal
the law of vanishing returns?
Try staying awake the next
time you have to go to sleep.
And you'll probably find
your mother coming in
and make sure you
haven't kicked the covers off.
And you think they don't
love you as much as Lionel.
Lionel? How'd he get in on this?
I mean Mary.
And I'll tell you another thing.
Do you know probably
the first thing your dad does
when people
walk into his office?
Sure, he takes
their temperature.
No, wise guy.
He probably shows them
photos of you and Mary.
And guess whose photo
he shows them first.
- Mine?
- Probably.
How do you know so much?
Listen, if you
weren't such a dope,
you'd realize that when
you got as old as Lionel,
you'd have the same
privileges he had.
Lionel?
I mean Mary, you dope.
Well, Jeff, you're
still eating ice cream.
Yeah.
Chocolate ice cream, isn't it?
Mm-hmm.
Listen...
Yes, dear?
Mom, do you ever come
into my room at nights
to make sure that I haven't
kicked off the covers?
Oh, there goes my
last well-kept secret.
Do you mind?
No.
But in a way, it's kind
of treating me like a...
No, I don't mind.
Dad, did you ever show
people pictures of Mary and me?
What is this, a third degree?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Well, whose do you
show first, Mary's or mine?
Well, I wouldn't want
this to get back to Mary.
But since you're the youngest,
I always show yours first.
Why?
Nothing.
Do you want to know why
I crawled out of the
window last night?
It was because I was
feeling sorry for myself
'cause I wanted to
stay up late like Mary
and show off my magic tricks.
I understand, Jeff.
Jeff, why don't you do
a magic show for us?
Well, would you come?
I'd be honored.
So would I.
Maybe Uncle Bo can come, too.
Oh, great!
I'm gonna start brushing up
on my magic tricks right now!
A ridiculous idea, huh?
Well, it was ridiculous.
But I've got to hand it
to you, it worked like...
Mom?
If you and Dad only knew the
stupid ideas I had about you.
Why, if it hadn't been for
Zachary setting me straight...
Zachary setting you straight?
You didn't by any chance
overhear a conversation
on the intercom, did you?
I turned it off just as soon
as you two started talking.
Boy, wait till you
see the show I put on.
It'll stupefy you!
I'm stupefied enough right now.
Hi, Mrs. Stone, Dr. Stone.
Hi, Zack.
Forgot my hat.
You know, that's a pretty
neat unit you got there.
Yeah, it's really okay.
Yes, isn't it?
How did my voice come over?
Clear as a bell.
Dr. Stone's was kind of fuzzy.
I got a couple of orders to
deliver. I'll be seeing you.
Zachary, don't
you want my order?
I suppose you're gonna
order me out of your house.
No, what I had in mind
was a couple bottles of
your marvelous spot remover.
No kidding?
Sure. What are a few
holes, more or less?
- Give us four bottles.
- Thanks, Doctor.
Thank you.
Don't bother paying me now.
I'll bill you later.
All right.
Goodbye, Zachary.
Goodbye.
He's really a very nice boy.
Sure is.
Would you care to inaugurate
your new intercom system
with a couple of choice words?
Yes.
All I do is turn this little
knob when I want to talk?
All there is to it.
Now, remember, Mother,
it should be something
solemn and dignified.
Oh, well, I was just
going to tell Daddy
we're having meatloaf
sandwiches for lunch.
Mother, it should be
something inspiring and historic.
I've been getting by for years
with just plain, "1, 2, 3, 4."
Well, it's very
difficult to be historic
at a moment's notice, Mary.
Why don't you speak first
and I'll go listen with Daddy?
Don't be nervous,
honey. Now, go ahead.
Okay.
Make it a short historic
announcement, please,
so I can get back to
the shop right away.
Okay.
Alex, stand by for...
Hi, darling.
Bo!
- Bo, when did you get back?
- Just this morning.
- You look marvelous.
- Oh, thank you.
He just got in two minutes ago,
still full of French champagne.
No, that's a lie. I
didn't touch a drop.
Oh, I drank a few gallons,
but I didn't touch a drop.
How did it go?
Were you a success?
Oh, naturally.
I read my paper for the
assembled delegates.
They all listened respectfully.
Then a very eminent
French obstetrician said,
"Return to America, Doctor.
There is nothing we
can teach you here."
Local boy makes good.
That was good, wasn't it?
Well, he smiled when he said it.
Alex, we'll have to have a
homecoming party for Bo.
That's right.
- How about Friday night?
- Fine.
It's great to go away.
Pretty girls make a fuss over
you when you come home.
Hey, what's going on?
I'm about to inaugurate
our new intercom.
Hey, what have
you got on your arm?
- Will you please be quiet?
- Those are mine!
- Who said you could wear them?!
- Shut up!
How are the kids?
Bo, need you ask?
They're marvelous. Perfect.
- Oh, I almost forgot.
- What?
The next voice you
hear will be Mary's.
Now, listen.
You hand them over!
Take your grubby
hands off of me, Jeff!
You give them back to me!
- You're breaking my wrist!
- That's what I'm trying to do!
If that's perfect,
what do they sound like
when they're being horrible?
Daddy, will you please
tell this repulsive creature
to keep his hands to himself?
I'm repulsive? She
ruined my magic set.
At ease. One at a time.
Ladies first.
Well, Daddy, I saw
these rings lying around.
- I thought they'd...
- Lying around?
She swiped them
out of my magic kit!
All right, simmer
down! Both of you.
Mary.
Now, you know that those
rings are part of Jeff's magic set.
Tell her, Dad.
But on the other hand,
has she ruined the
rings by wearing them?
No, but why does she
got to latch on to my things
without asking me?
You didn't ask Mary when you
latched on to her tennis racket.
No, but I got chopped
to pieces for it.
Jeff, there's no harm in
Mary's wearing your magic rings
when you're not using them.
I should have known
you'd decide it that way.
I never win.
Oh, here, Jeff.
Take your magic rings if
they mean so much to you.
No, you keep them.
You can wear them in
your nose for all I care.
Jeff, stop acting like a baby.
"Jeff, stop acting like a baby."
"It's all right for Mary to
wear your magic rings."
But if I touch
her tennis racket,
off to the electric chair.
Hi, Jeffy boy.
Your mom home?
Got a special today
on my spot remover.
I tried that sample you left,
and it burnt a
hole in my sweater.
Well, next time, follow my
mimeographed instructions.
Now, where's your mom?
Inside, poisoning my lunch.
What are you so happy about?
Oh, it's that sister of mine.
Everything she does
she gets a gold medal for.
- Everything I do...
- I know.
It's just like me and my
creepy brother Lionel.
Just because he's older.
Jeffy boy, we're up against
the law of vanishing returns.
The law of what?
Well, vanishing returns.
Well, take Mary, for instance.
How did your parents
act when she was born?
Well, I wasn't around.
She got here first, as usual.
Well, they probably declared a
national holiday or something.
But what happened
when you got born?
I don't remember.
Nothing.
They had it up to here by then.
It's the law of
vanishing returns.
How were your
grades last semester?
Pretty bad.
Mostly C's.
I got a couple of B's, though.
And what did Mary get?
Mostly A's.
She studies.
But if you studied, you'd
get straight A's, wouldn't you?
Maybe.
See?
You're as smart as she is.
Smarter.
So why shouldn't you
have the same privileges?
You and me, we're in the
same boat... the S.S. Misery.
Your only chance
is to stick it out
till Mary grows up and
leaves, just like me and Lionel.
Till then, they get the apples.
And we get the worms.
Hey, Mother, can I
stay up for the party?
- Well, we'll see.
- Okay.
If you let me stay up,
I'll play the piano for you.
Mary, we love to hear you
play, but this is a grown-up party.
I'm practically grown up, Daddy.
Well, Uncle Bo's
mad about music.
You know he always
asks me to play, Mother.
If Uncle Bo asks you to play,
you can play something short.
Like the Minute Waltz.
That'll drive them out of
the house in 10 seconds flat.
Listen, if it's entertainment
you want, I'll be right back.
The Minute Waltz will be fine,
but only if Uncle Bo asks you.
Okay.
Here, Mom, pick a
card. This'll stupefy you.
And practice so that it doesn't
take longer than a minute.
Mom, you didn't
even look at the card.
Yes, I did. It was
the ace of diamonds.
Mom, I'm supposed to tell you.
What difference
does it make, Jeff?
Look at your cards. They're
all the ace of diamonds.
Jeff, we know the trick.
Well, no one at
the party will know
if she keeps her
mouth buttoned up.
What party? You'll be in bed.
Mom, will I have to go to bed?
Well, after all, dear,
your bedtime is 8:30.
Well, maybe we can stretch
a point and make it 9:00.
Some stretch.
Mary gets to stay
up, but I can't.
Jeff, she's older than you are.
I know.
I'm up against the law
of vanishing returns.
What in the world
is wrong with him?
Ask me something easy.
For instance, what is the
law of vanishing returns?
What do you want, Zack?
Oh, just passing by.
Lionel got to go out
dancing and prancing.
So I thought I'd
take a little walk.
Say, that's quite
a party going on.
Well, it's all right if you
like that sort of thing.
Your folks let you
stay out this late?
What they don't
know won't hurt them.
Your folks always send
you up to your room
whenever they throw a party?
Well, I left 'cause I got bored.
Sure.
Well, I'm going
down to the drugstore,
bore myself into a soda.
Want to come along?
Well, I'd like to,
only I'm broke.
Oh, that's okay.
I'll loan you the dough.
Well, I don't know.
I'm kind of beat.
Say, that's Mary
playing, isn't it?
Yeah. That's the big
reason why I walked out.
Hey, listen to the
hand she's getting.
I just remembered. I
do have some money.
I'm coming with you.
You outdid yourself
tonight, sweetie.
Played The Minute Waltz in
59 seconds... a new record.
You sure you don't want to hear
the Turkish March before you go?
No, dear. It's too late.
Besides, doctors
have to get up early.
Okay, but I could
have played all night.
Good night, Mother.
Good night, Daddy.
- Good night, Uncle Bo.
- Good night, honey.
Oh, she's a doll, that one.
Yes, we kind of like her.
Say, I wanted to ask you,
is something bothering Jeff?
Why?
Well, when he said good night,
he asked me if I had
any books on psychology.
Said he wanted to read up
on the law of vanishing returns.
What do you suppose ails him?
You got me.
If you have a copy of
that book, I'd like to read it.
So would I.
- Good night, honey.
- Good night, Bo.
Goodnight, Bo. See you soon.
Good night.
I'll just go up and
see if Jeff's covered.
Okay, darling.
Jeff?
Jeff?
I could be wrong,
but that looks like Jeff.
Darling, are you sure you
weren't imagining things?
I give you my word, this
bed wasn't even turned down.
Okay, so I'm guilty.
Warm up the electric chair.
Good morning, Jeff.
What would you
like for breakfast?
Don't bother. I
can get it myself.
A chicken leg?
Oh, excuse me.
- Were you saving it for Mary?
- Don't be silly.
If you want a chicken dinner
for breakfast, go ahead.
I want a few more details
about your excursion last night.
I just felt like
taking a little stroll.
I know you've told us that.
But why?
To get a chocolate soda.
Why?
Because I like chocolate sodas.
You know you're
going to be punished.
Well, naturally.
On second thought, I
don't think I'm very hungry.
Nothing like a midnight soda
to take the edge off
your appetite, is there?
Jeff, you've got
to eat something.
Here.
This is a switch.
An apple instead of a worm.
I don't like your attitude, your
behavior, or your tone of voice.
Now, I want to know why
you went out last night.
I just felt like
taking a little stroll.
Hi, Jeff, old man.
- Hi, Uncle Bo.
- What can I do for you?
Well, I got a pretty
serious problem.
So I came to see you.
Well, I'm very glad you did.
Come on, sit down.
Thanks.
You know, I kind of wish you
were a psychiatrist, though.
It's that kind of a problem.
Oh, I see.
Well, I didn't think you
were gonna have a baby.
I'm fairly well-versed
in psychology, Jeff.
Would you care to lie down,
and we'll analyze the situation?
No, thanks.
Anyway, this could
be a hopeless problem.
Oh.
Well, before you abandon hope,
Jeff, let me tell you something.
I've known you for
quite a few years.
And in my opinion, you're
as close to being a normal,
well-adjusted boy as anyone.
So whatever's wrong with
you, it can't be too serious.
Who said anything about me?
I'm talking about Mom and Dad.
So, what it amounts to is this.
Jeff is firmly convinced
that you love Mary much
more than you love him.
That is, if you love him at all.
But that's awful.
What did you say, Bo?
Well, I listened.
I said, "Uh-huh, go ahead."
You know, things like that.
Brilliant. Masterful.
Why didn't you
tell him the truth?
Look, he's your son, not mine.
I could tell him that you love
him till I'm blue in the face.
I think you're right.
Alex, we've got to go
have a talk with him.
Now, wait a minute.
How are you going to
introduce the subject?
Well, I'll just simply
say that you came...
That I came over and violated
a professional confidence?
That I ratted on him?
Well, you did, didn't you?
Okay, so I'm a rat.
Let's keep that
between the three of us.
All right, now, what are
we going to do about this?
Well, of course,
I'm not as brilliant and
masterful as some people.
But I'd say the
best way would be
if Jeff kind of
accidentally stumbled
on some evidence
that you love him.
I don't know just
what to suggest, but...
Hey, Mom, are you home?
Yes, sweetheart! Darling...
Control yourself.
All right.
I'll just go see what he wants.
Yes, sweetheart?
What is it?
Mom, is it all right if I
have some of the ice cream
in the refrigerator,
or is it all for Mary?
Well, of course not.
Take as much as you
like. Take it all, honey.
Mom, do you want me
to make myself sick?
Take as much as you'd
like, honey. Here, I'll get it.
Don't bother. I can manage. Mom!
Jeff, what do
you think you're...
Sweetheart, wouldn't
you like a dish instead?
If you insist.
- Hi, Jeffy boy.
- Hi, Zack.
Say, that wouldn't be chocolate
ice cream you're working on?
Well, it's not corn on the cob.
Go get a spoon and join me.
Tell your mom I changed the
formula for my spot remover.
What'd you do, take
out the carbolic acid?
I'll cheerfully refund the price
if it burns holes
in any clothes.
Hey, this is a pretty neat deal.
Who needs it?
You know, when I think
how hard I practiced
to put on a show for my folks...
Well, you finally
know the score.
Saying "I love you" over an
intercom... That's ridiculous.
Am I right, Bo?
There's no harm in
trying, is there, Bo?
How did I get in this anyway?
Me, a childless bachelor?
Alex, do you have a better idea?
We've got to do something.
That poor child is in
there eating his heart out.
Tell you what.
I'll take this set
off your hands.
Give you 50 cents for it.
50 cents?
It cost me over $2.
Jeffy boy, take a
look at the nick on that.
And look at the crack
in this thing. See?
Oh, all right.
You can have it for 50 cents.
I'll never touch
it again anyway.
It's a deal.
Everything all here?
Everything except
the handkerchief trick.
That's up in my room.
I'll get it for you.
Darling, I'm sorry
to bother you.
I know you're busy.
But there's something
we really should talk about.
I mean, we really should.
Yes, I am busy, dear.
But if you...
I wonder who left that thing on.
Well, lately, I've noticed
certain telltale
signs of resentment,
a feeling that we're
playing favoritism.
I mean, like when Jeff wanted
to put on his magic show
at the party,
we let Mary play
the piano instead
and we sent Jeff off to bed.
Now, take the ice cream
and the chicken leg.
Imagine Jeff thinking we
were saving it for Mary.
You know what I think?
I think that Jeff thinks that we
love Mary more than we love him.
That's what I think.
What do you think, dear?
I think it's ridiculous. The
whole thing is ridiculous.
Alex!
It's so obvious.
I mean, we...
Oh, yes.
We give Mary so many
privileges that Jeff doesn't have.
Yes, she has a key to the house.
And she gets to go to movies
at night just because she's older.
Poor Jeff.
He's been up against
the law of vanishing...
Yeah, vanishing
returns for so long
that I don't blame him
for becoming bitter.
When I think of it, I could cry.
Listen, if you're going
to start to blubber, I'm...
Jeff doesn't know it.
But I was frantic with worry
when I found him
gone last night.
Why, there isn't a night goes
by that I don't go up to his room
and check to see if he's
kicked the covers off him.
And, well, I know I shouldn't
treat him like a baby, but I do,
because he is my
baby and always will be.
Well, I guess if we
had a dozen like Mary,
I couldn't love them
any more than I do Jeff.
When I meet someone,
you know the first thing I do?
The first thing I do
is take out my wallet
and show them
pictures of Mary and Jeff.
Now, I wouldn't want
this to get back to Mary,
but the picture I
show first is Jeff's.
Jeff's resentment is
essentially juvenile.
Now, every youngster
with an older...
Here you are.
Hope you have better
luck with it than I did.
It's no sale. I changed my mind.
All right, you can
have it for 40 cents.
A quarter?
All right, take it for nothing.
Listen, you juvenile, your
mom and dad got this set for you.
And the least you can do is
put on a little show for them.
Or it that asking too much?
Well, they'd walk
out right in the middle.
You said so yourself.
Have you flipped or something?
You talk like they
don't love you.
Well, what'd they do, repeal
the law of vanishing returns?
Try staying awake the next
time you have to go to sleep.
And you'll probably find
your mother coming in
and make sure you
haven't kicked the covers off.
And you think they don't
love you as much as Lionel.
Lionel? How'd he get in on this?
I mean Mary.
And I'll tell you another thing.
Do you know probably
the first thing your dad does
when people
walk into his office?
Sure, he takes
their temperature.
No, wise guy.
He probably shows them
photos of you and Mary.
And guess whose photo
he shows them first.
- Mine?
- Probably.
How do you know so much?
Listen, if you
weren't such a dope,
you'd realize that when
you got as old as Lionel,
you'd have the same
privileges he had.
Lionel?
I mean Mary, you dope.
Well, Jeff, you're
still eating ice cream.
Yeah.
Chocolate ice cream, isn't it?
Mm-hmm.
Listen...
Yes, dear?
Mom, do you ever come
into my room at nights
to make sure that I haven't
kicked off the covers?
Oh, there goes my
last well-kept secret.
Do you mind?
No.
But in a way, it's kind
of treating me like a...
No, I don't mind.
Dad, did you ever show
people pictures of Mary and me?
What is this, a third degree?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Well, whose do you
show first, Mary's or mine?
Well, I wouldn't want
this to get back to Mary.
But since you're the youngest,
I always show yours first.
Why?
Nothing.
Do you want to know why
I crawled out of the
window last night?
It was because I was
feeling sorry for myself
'cause I wanted to
stay up late like Mary
and show off my magic tricks.
I understand, Jeff.
Jeff, why don't you do
a magic show for us?
Well, would you come?
I'd be honored.
So would I.
Maybe Uncle Bo can come, too.
Oh, great!
I'm gonna start brushing up
on my magic tricks right now!
A ridiculous idea, huh?
Well, it was ridiculous.
But I've got to hand it
to you, it worked like...
Mom?
If you and Dad only knew the
stupid ideas I had about you.
Why, if it hadn't been for
Zachary setting me straight...
Zachary setting you straight?
You didn't by any chance
overhear a conversation
on the intercom, did you?
I turned it off just as soon
as you two started talking.
Boy, wait till you
see the show I put on.
It'll stupefy you!
I'm stupefied enough right now.
Hi, Mrs. Stone, Dr. Stone.
Hi, Zack.
Forgot my hat.
You know, that's a pretty
neat unit you got there.
Yeah, it's really okay.
Yes, isn't it?
How did my voice come over?
Clear as a bell.
Dr. Stone's was kind of fuzzy.
I got a couple of orders to
deliver. I'll be seeing you.
Zachary, don't
you want my order?
I suppose you're gonna
order me out of your house.
No, what I had in mind
was a couple bottles of
your marvelous spot remover.
No kidding?
Sure. What are a few
holes, more or less?
- Give us four bottles.
- Thanks, Doctor.
Thank you.
Don't bother paying me now.
I'll bill you later.
All right.
Goodbye, Zachary.
Goodbye.
He's really a very nice boy.
Sure is.