The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 3, Episode 29 - Dear Mrs. Petrie, Your Husband Is in Jail - full transcript

[theme music]

NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[music playing]

MAN 1: Petrie.

LAURA: Rob!

Laura, what are you doing here?

Oh, Rob, I came down just as soon as I saw the note.

Are you all right? - I'm fine.

What note?



This note.

It was pinned to the front door.

"Dear Mrs. Petrie, your husband's in jail.

Monica [inaudible]."

You mean this was just on the-- on the door,

open without even an envelope or anything?

Oh, Rob who cares about that?

What happened to you?

I care about that, having a note open on the door.

I don't want all the neighbors that think I'm in jail.

Rob, you are in jail.

How did it happen?

So honey, who's Monica [inaudible]??

I don't know!



I'm just wondering, you know, how you knew to come down here.

Rob, what difference does it make how I got down here?

How did you get down here?

Well, it's just a big mistake.

It's like, a long nightmare.

Well, why didn't you call me?

Well, they only allow you one call, honey.

I didn't want to call you, and get you awake in the middle

of night at Aunt Martha's.

So I called Janie Sussman.

Janie Sussman, the little girl who lives down the street?

Yeah.

Well, I didn't call her actually.

I called our lawyer, and they were out,

and she was the babysitter.

I asked her to call Jerry and Millie.

Well, why didn't they call me?

Well, they were out.

They had a babysitter.

She talked to Herb--

Saturday night, the whole world is in the hands of babysitters.

Rob, why are you in jail?

Monica [inaudible] she must be Jerry and Millie's babysitter.

Jerry called, talked to Monica, Monica wrote the note,

and put it on the door.

You saw when you got-- and that's how you got down here.

Rob, what does it matter how I got here?

How did you get here?

It's-- honey, it's very complicated.

Oh, if only you'd come with us to Aunt Martha's

for the weekend.

Do we have to talk here?

Well, they don't let us wander around a lot.

Oh, Rob, what are they holding you for?

I mean, what are the charges?

Oh, it's just silly, honey.

Well, Rob, look, I'm not a hysterical wife.

You can tell me.

Now what is it?

I mean, I think we ought to call somebody.

Shouldn't we call Marvin?

I'm not in any trouble.

Rob, tell me.

Whatever it is, I'll stick by you.

What are they charging you with?

Well, nothing.

I'm charged with illegal gambling,

and attempted assault of an officer with a deadly weapon.

[music playing]

Well, that's ridiculous, you gambling.

And how could they possibly say you assaulted anybody?

You wouldn't hit anyone, especially not an officer.

Honey, I didn't hit him.

I didn't hit anybody.

He claims I shot at him.

Shot at him?

You had a gun?

Well, no, not exactly a gun.

Rob, what else can you shoot at anybody with?

A cannon.

What?

A cannon.

Rob, You don't have a cannon.

Not my cannon, honey.

Anyway, I didn't shoot at anybody.

It's so ridiculous.

Look, I better tell you from the whole beginning.

I think you'd better.

Well, after I took you and Ritchie and put you on a train,

I drove home.

I was so tired from working all day, and the traffic,

and the noise, and everything I just--

I went straight to bed.

But I couldn't sleep.

I counted sheep, I did everything I could.

I even counted all the flowers on the bedroom wall.

I couldn't sleep.

Did you know there's 382 and 1/2 roses on our bedroom wall?

The half a one's up in the corner.

Well anyway, I tried, and I could not go to sleep.

And I finally-- I gave up.

Ropes with zippers.

Boy, it's freezing in here.

Did I forget to--

no wonder it's cold.

I forgot to close the door.

Boy, if she's not here to ask me to check the door,

I don't check the door.

Terrible.

I can't understand why I can't sleep.

Never have any darn trouble sleeping.

Tonight I can't.

Why?

Because Laura's not here?

No, I can't possibly miss her that much.

I'm a grown man.

I ought to be--

if I don't miss her, why am I sitting here talking to myself?

I never talked to myself before.

Wonder if it's bad to talk to yourself when you're alone.

A lot better than talking to yourself when you're not alone.

Personality's probably splitting a little.

I'm not going to talk to myself anymore.

It's silly.

That's it.

As long as I'm up, I might as well do something.

Could read that book I've been wanting to read.

I haven't had a chance--

I'm talking to myself again.

I'm not going to say another word.

Where's-- I put that darn book in here about a week.

I'll bet you--

I wonder if she's reading it in her bedroom.

I'm whispering to myself.

Stupider than talking to yourself is what that is.

I wonder if there's such a word as "stupider."

I'm asking myself questions now.

Boy, that is stupid.

I don't know what's so wrong with talking to yourself.

Nobody around can hear.

Nobody can hear me I'll talk to myself all I want to, I guess.

(LOUDLY) Hi, Rob.

Don't shout, I can hear you.

I wonder if I ought to call Laura just to--

no.

No use waking her up just because I can't sleep.

Maybe I'll watch a little television, I guess.

Let them talk to me for a while.

Oh, what do we got?

"City Desk," young socialite poses

as poor reporter on her father's newspaper,

and turns things topsy turvy.

Evelyn Keyes, Tom Conroy.

Two hours, oh.

"Marooned," a group of passengers from many

walks of life crash in a plane in Africa, and tempers clash.

Richard Arnold, Conrad Veidt, and [inaudible] Two hours, oh.

There's nothing here I want to see.

Wait a minute.

"Citizen Kane," oh boy.

Of all times I wanted to see that picture.

Finally got a lucky break tonight.

MAN 2 (ON TV): So we make no fantastic

claims at Gillsdale Motors.

We don't have to.

We sell 10 times as many cars as any other dealer

in the United States.

We can guarantee you $600, $700, even $800 over any other deal

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Besides giving you a 100% more for your trade-in.

Just look at these fantastic bargains.

So come on down to our gigantic location at 532 Chelsea Avenue.

Now back to our movie classic for tonight, "Citizen Kane,"

starring Orson Welles, Joseph Cotten,

Everett Sloane, Ray Collins, George Coulouris,

and Dorothy Comingore.

Dorothy Comingore.

[music playing]

And I Slept right there all night.

I woke up when the rang the bell on "Romper Room" school.

Did you ever play Simon Says all alone?

I don't want to hear about Simon Says.

Now if you don't tell me how you got here,

I'm going to leave you here to run.

Honey, if you were in jail, I'd certainly want

to hear what you had to say.

If my own wife will not hear me out,

what's the judge going to say?

I'm sorry, dear.

Go ahead.

Honey, well, you see how miserable I was in the house

all alone by myself there.

I couldn't take it.

Saturday morning, the first thing I did, I got dressed

and I went to the kiddy matinee at the Rialto.

That's right across from the park with the cannon.

No, honey, not that cannon.

Will you stop jumping the gun?

I made a joke.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Well, anyway, honey, you know how

I love good monster pictures.

Well, they had a triple feature there.

They had "The Attack of the Giant Crickets,"

and "Dracula's Grandson," and "The Monster Who Ate Anything."

The kids all ruined it.

They shouted-- and they kept cheering for the monsters.

What?

Oh, what does it do to those kids stomachs?

Hey, Buddy.

Hi.

Rob.

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

OK, after you flood Grand Central Station,

what are you going to do?

All right, after you clean the mess up,

what are you going to do?

Oh, I don't know, Laura's out of town.

You know, just for the weekend.

I thought maybe we'd go to the movie, go bowling or something.

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot your grandfather is coming

over to play cards, yeah.

92, huh?

Oh, what a wonderful age.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Go ahead and have fun, Buddy.

I don't-- no, I'd feel out of place, you know with your--

what do you mean it'd be fun to watch him shuffle?

Oh.

That's terrible!

Go ahead, play.

Have fun.

I'm not mad at you.

No, go ahead.

Buddy, you're fired.

Mel?

Rob.

Listen, I-- oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Cooley.

No, I was calling Mel.

No, I-- I wanted to know if he could go out, and--

when will he be back from the supermarket?

Well, no, see, my wife's out of town and--

well, when-- the laundry too, huh?

No, no, just tell him I called, Mrs. Cooley.

No, I mean, nothing important.

It's all right.

Goodbye.

Harry?

Hi, this is Rob.

Petrie.

Yeah.

Well, I just thinking the same thing, Harry.

We haven't seen much of each other lately at all.

How about tonight?

I don't care.

Whatever you want to do.

Bowling, movies, you name it.

Movies.

What do you want to see?

I-- "The Attack of the Giant Crickets."

Harry, listen, they're not that--

I saw them.

I saw.

Well, the giant cricket, it isn't a good picture.

Well, at the end, they take a big shoe, and they step on it.

That's it.

Oh no, Harry, I was--

I didn't kill the ending for you.

I was kid--

Harry-- no wonder I never see much of him.

I don't like him.

Hello?

Hey, Elaine?

Hi, Elaine, this is Rob Petrie.

Fine, thanks.

Listen, is Fred at home?

Oh, when do you expect him back?

Never.

Oh, I didn't know you two were divorced, Elaine.

I'm sorry.

Why, yes-- he did?

Oh.

Well, then I'm glad I guess.

No, it's all right.

I was just asking him to, you know,

go out with me tonight maybe.

Oh, no, we're fine, Elaine.

She's just away for the weekend, you know.

Oh, Elaine, thanks a lot, but I--

I-- no, I--

Oh, well, no, it's not that.

You know, we're--

I'll take a little rain check.

Thanks a lot, Elaine.

No, don't-- don't feel-- that's--

bye.

Charlie?

Hi, listen, would you like to do anything tonight?

You bit-- you would?

Great, Charlie.

Would you like to go to a movie, go bowling?

Bowling it is.

Great.

Hey, listen, I'll pick you up, Charlie.

Do you still live over on [inaudible] Drive?

I'll pick you up--

what do you mean you don't live on [inaudible] Drive?

You-- Is this Charlie Mandell?

Oh.

No, I'm sorry.

It seems I have the wrong number.

Does this-- that mean you won't go out with me?

Thank you.

See you later, Charlie.

[music playing]

Yes, dear, I can understand how you must have felt,

but it still doesn't explain how you got here.

Well, honey it all leads up to it.

As I told you, I was desperate.

I had to find somebody to go out with me.

Goodbye, Mr. Petrie.

Goodbye.

And take care of those lips.

Mmm.

And don't forget, the quality of mercy is not strained.

I'll call you at your office.

Bye.

Bye.

Anyway, I was desperate for somebody to go out with, see?

So I kept trying to somebody, and I didn't.

Darling, who were those girls?

Oh, those girls?

Yes, dear, those girls.

Come on now.

Well, I-- oh, I didn't tell you about them yet.

No, no, you didn't.

Yeah, well, I'll--

I'll get to it in a minute.

You see, I was in their dressing room.

Their dressing room.

Wait, wait, Now, honey, I skipped a part.

Don't skip any parts.

ROB: I'm not.

I'm not.

I told you, I was desperate to find somebody to go out with,

and I called everybody I knew.

Everybody was either busy.

They didn't want to go out with me, or something.

And finally I gave up.

[airplane sound effects]

Why am I sitting here feeling sorry for myself?

For crying out loud, I live in New

York City, the biggest most glamorous city

in the entire world.

And I can't find anything to do.

I'll go into town.

Yeah, I know what I'll do.

I'll see a Broadway show.

I haven't gone-- oh, Laura hates it when

I see something without her.

I know what I'll do.

I'll go see a rotten Broadway show.

That'll do it.

Boy, I'm talking to myself pretty regular now.

Well, if that's the way it is, that's the way it is, right?

Right.

That's it.

So what's playing?

Well, son of a gun.

Benny Joey, what's he doing in town?

That little squirt.

I don't have to go to a rotten show.

I'll go to a rotten nightclub.

Private Benjamin Josephson.

I bet he's still doing that same act

I wrote for him in the army.

Oh, great. I'll go see him.

Where is it playing? I'll tell you in a minute.

Just wait.

The Blue Bunny starring Benny Joey at the Blue Bunny

I'm going to prove that a guy can have fun

even without his wife, right?

Right.

Clean that up, will you?

[music playing]

[explosion]

[applause]

Hi.

solid finish, huh?

I thought of it myself.

ROB: Oh.

It sounds like you really killed them.

Didn't you see my act?

No, I just came in.

Oh, I wish you'd have seen it.

Who are you?

Oh, my name's Rob Petrie.

I was looking for Benny Joey He's an old army buddy of mine.

Ah, Maureen Corps.

No, Army.

Oh, no, no.

That's me.

Maureen Corps, that's my name.

That's your name?

Yeah, you see, I do this military tap with the cannon,

and it's--

well, it's-- it's like a beam.

Well, it's very patriotic.

You're going to see the next show?

Well, I might.

I'd like to see Benny Joey.

Come on, he's in my dressing room.

In your dress--

maybe I should come back a little later.

Oh, it'll be all right.

Everybody ends up in my dressing room.

Oh, would you pull my cannon for me?

I-- oh.

I'm pulling her cannon.

You got a guest.

I don't need a guest.

I need a point. - Hey.

Hey, Rob.

Rob Petrie.

You old son of a gun.

Hey, fellows, it's my army buddy.

My old dancing pal.

How are you, Rob?

Oh, I'm just fine, Benny.

You still got it.

Hey, say hello to the boys.

This is Nick and Arnold. - Hi.

- Hi. - Come on, Benny.

You in? - I'm in.

I'm in.

Look, Benny, I'd better come back later.

You're busy.

Nothing too busy for you, and old friend.

It's just a bon voyage party.

Frankie over there is being deported.

Oh.

Congratulations.

I mean, I'm sorry to hear that.

Have a nice trip.

I think I'd better see you out front.

Out front nothing.

You stick back here with your old dancing buddy.

Do you remember this one?

No, I don't.

Hey, Rob, I'm still doing some of the jokes I stole from you.

Stole?

You paid me for them.

I did?

See fellows, used to be a nice guy.

All right, are you going to dance or are you

going to throw dice?

I'm going to play dice.

I'll be with you in a minute, Rob.

I'm in. What's the point?

Six, here we go.

- Seven, you lose. - I'll come back.

Don't come back later.

I finally got lucky.

I won one in a row.

Come on, Rob Petrie, I love you.

Come on, come on.

Do you want any part of this?

Robert Petrie?

Hey, Alberta, say hello to Rob Petrie.

Talk to him.

Don't let him go.

Aren't you with "The Alan Brady Show?"

ROB: Yeah, how'd you know that?

Why, I always let those credentials at the end.

You don't remember me.

I'm Alberta Schweitzer.

No, that name doesn't--

I don't recall that.

Well, I once auditioned for your show.

They didn't feel my act was right,

but I have a new one that's more intellectual.

And I'd love you to see it.

I can't do--

Arnold, come on, roll them bones.

OK, come on.

I got two.

All right, Rob, blow on them for luck, will you?

- I'm no-- I'm no good at this. - A little huff.

A little huff on the bones.

Come on, Rob, baby.

OK.

Beautiful.

Here we go.

A seven, a winner.

You've got great lips.

You should be a trumpeter.

I worked on some television in Toledo.

I did a solo in "The Nutcracker."

She was the head nut.

Yeah, I was.

I really was.

Would you like me to do it for you?

Well, no, not right now.

Benny, do you want me to?

Do I want you to?

If you don't blow, I don't throw, Rob.

Give a little huff there you go.

Here we come in, right, boy?

Seven, and a winner.

Rob, you got great lips.

You're the greatest.

Guess I haven't lost my lip, huh?

[buzzer]

That's the end of the seal act.

You're on, Alberta.

Well, you want to catch my act, don't you Mr. Petrie?

No, I can't. No, I've got the--

Well, maybe later, OK?

Some other day.

Oh, well, you can see it later tonight.

We do 12 more shows before breakfast.

Yeah, you can't leave.

You're my lucky charm.

Hey, say hello to seal.

Rob Petrie.

Come on, Benny.

Stop with the social graces, huh?

You're going to throw the dice or you're going

to wear them like cuff links?

I'm gonna throw the dice, yeah.

Well, throw them.

Blow on them for luck, baby.

Watch this one, you puppy you.

Hey, eight Play it back.

Eight the hard way.

Here we go.

Blow on them again, Rob.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Hey, eight like that.

Eat your hearts out.

You got great lips.

Great lips.

Oh, great lips, honey.

They're just lips.

Hey, come on, blow me up a storm now, will you?

Yeah.

What's the big idea?

I think it's only sporting you try

throwing them one time without the benefit

of your buddies breath.

What do you think he's got loaded teeth?

Shoot, Benny.

He's turning blue.

Hey come on, let go of my friend.

Don't hurt him, he's an army pal.

All right.

But I don't like friends with big mouths.

Benny, I think I'm going to see you later.

Oh, no, we got to talk about the army.

Listen, will you talk about dice.

Four's your point.

Four's my point, come on.

Let's go.

ARNOLD: Seven you lose.

OK.

Come on, all right, guys. Throw the dice.

Throw the dice.

I'm coming on.

- Any part. - Here we go.

Coming on.

- What's wrong? - Hey you.

Huh?

How about blowing on my dice too, huh?

Well, Benny's an old friend of mine.

But wait a minute.

What's the matter?

You'll blow on his dice, but you want blow on mine.

Well, he's just a friend.

I don't know.

Yeah, but I want you to think of me as your friend too.

Oh, OK.

OK, here we go.

Hurry up.

Snake eyes.

You lose.

You lose!

Hey, I-- I don't think you blew on my dice

the same way you blew on his.

No, no, no, no.

It's sounded different when you blew on his.

No, I-- I just--

Yeah, phew, phew.

You went phew on his, but on mine you went pfft.

BENNY JOEY: Hey.

Don't be a bad sport, Arnold.

I ain't a bad sport.

I just don't like a guy that blows hot then cold.

Let's change the dice.

OK, you change those dice. And you--

[buzzer] --don't move.

Hey, I got to run.

I gotta run.

I gotta introduce the feature act.

I'll go with you.

No, you stay here, and handle my money.

I want to see your act.

No, this is not my act.

This is just a little introduction.

I want to see the introduction.

No, save my spot.

I'm hot now, will you Rob, baby?

I'm not going to bet or anything.

You don't have to bet.

Just stay here, pick up the winnings.

Nick, you're covered.

I'll see you in a little while, babe.

OK.

How was it, baby?

Oh, the band loused me up.

Mr. Petrie, I'm glad you didn't see my act.

I tripped on my pith helmet.

Oh.

Now what shall I audition for you?

There's really not much point in that.

I don't hire--

MAUREEN CORPS: Seven, Benny wins, Well, pick up the money,

Rob.

You know, I also do recitations while I dance.

And the quality of--

BENNY: What do you want to go in there for?

[alberta singing indistinctly]

Don't go in there.

Don't go in there.

Why do you want to go in there?

[whistle blows]

Let's go.

Outside.

Outside.

Let's go, come on.

Let's go.

The wagon's waiting for you outside.

I can explain.

I'm just holding that for a friend.

I wasn't-- Hit the road buddy.

[interposing voices]

Come on, Arnold, cut the comedy.

I wasn't playing.

I was just reloading my cannon.

Well, sure you were, sweetie.

Out, out, out.

I wasn't playing.

I was auditioning.

Oh, come on, Alberta, out, out.

Officer, I'm just a friend of the--

Don't you start.

Well, he likes to have me blow on his dice.

Just come along with me. Your friends are outside.

[explosion]

Everything would have been cleared up if Benny had

just come back, but he didn't.

He left me hanging there.

Well, that's ridiculous.

You shouldn't be in jail.

Benny Joey's the one who should be here.

I'm going up front to tell them, Rob.

Now look, honey, we'll just pay your fine,

and go home like everybody else did.

LAURA: But darling.

Benny has been arrested for this before.

They could be rough on him.

Well, I don't care.

It's my first offense, honey.

It'll just be a little fine.

Rob, I don't like to see you taking

the blame for someone else.

And besides I don't want to see your name

on some police bladder.

Blotter.

LAURA: Whatever.

I don't want your name in the police files.

Well, I'm not so crazy about it either you know.

Hey, Benny.

Hi, Rob.

I'm sorry I took so long getting down here.

I had to do the whole last show by myself.

All the gang's down here.

Hi, Nick.

Hi, Arnold You must be Laura.

Hi, Laura.

How do you do?

Old Benny here admitted it was his money,

and that you're not involved.

No talent, but a lot of class.

Petrie, you can go.

Oh, thank you.

Your lawyers upstairs, but you don't need him.

Honey, I was just thinking.

Hmm?

Well, in all the confusion everything the other night,

I didn't have a chance to see the show at the Blue Bunny.

You know, and I did promise Albert and Maureen that we--

[phone rings]

We could go have an ice cream soda instead if you'd like,

Hello.

Oh, hi, Benny.

How are you?

Hey, how'd a really come out?

Suspended sentence, that's not bad is it?

Good.

That's wonderful.

What-- Benny, is that while you called me?

Oh, Ben-- why no, I said if you needed anything to call, but--

you're not ever going to learn are you?

OK, Benny, calm down.

But this is positively and absolutely

the last time, all right?

[music playing]

[theme song]