The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 2, Episode 6 - My Husband Is Not a Drunk - full transcript

[theme music]

"The Dick Van Dyke Show," starring Dick Van Dyke,

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm one fellow

who cannot be hypnotized.

I must be too intelligent.

Yeah, you must be something.

Look.

That's not it at all.

I'm very, very intelligent myself,



and I happened to be one of the greatest subjects

for hypnotism since Trilby.

Darling, tell them what Glen did to you when

he hypnotized you in the army.

Yeah, what he do?

That son of a gun, he gave me a posthypnotic suggestion

that was really a beaut.

He had me going around saluting garbage cans.

Why, listen, that's very patriotic.

No, no kidding.

He had me-- every time I heard a bugle blow,

I'd turn around and salute the nearest flag.

Rob, you mean to say he had you

walking in a trance all day?



No, no I was awake, see.

But the only time the posthypnotic suggestion worked

was when a bugle blew.

Well, do you still salute garbage cans?

Only when Laura takes out the garbage.

You know, as a matter of fact, a posthypnotic suggestion

will wear off in a day or so, or a hypnotist can cancel it right

then and there if he wants to.

Listen, Rob, you wouldn't think

I was a bad sport if I wouldn't let

your friend hypnotize me, huh?

Look, you guys, I didn't invite

him here to hypnotize you.

You mean he's not gonna give us a demonstration?

Oh, I hope so.

I wanna be hypnotized.

LAURA PETRIE: Well, sure. - Look.

I didn't ask him to come to entertain us.

No, he brought us to entertain him.

Rob, if it's the same with you, he's single right?

Glen Jameson, and he's single.

Yeah.

Hey, boy, you're lucky you wore your waist cincher.

How'd you know I was wearing a waist cincher?

All night your voice has been getting higher and higher.

Oh, that must be our hypnotist now.

Listen, if he's ugly, I'll let him hypnotize me.

Fellas, I don't want him to think

he has to perform for dinner.

Will you forget it.

[interposing voices]

Won't say a word.

Hi, Glen.

Hi, Laura.

Hey, are you gonna hypnotize us?

You haven't changed since Camp Crowder.

Oh, yes, she has.

She's married now.

Don't forget that.

All right, you [inaudible]?

- Hungry as ever. - Well, we're prepared.

Darling, would you do the honors?

Uh, yeah, I'm going clockwise.

Which is cheaper than going by bus.

That's Buddy Sorrell, one of my co-writers.

Hi, Spangheli.

SALLY ROGERS: Oh, watch yourself.

I'm Jerry Helper.

Anyway.

Listen, Rob, you didn't tell them by any chance

that I'm a qualified hypnotist?

I'm afraid I did.

All right.

No, no, I get a kick out of it.

It seems like most people enjoy watching

a demonstration of hypnosis.

Yeah, yeah, put me in a trance.

Put me in a trance. I'm Millie Helper.

I'm his wife.

Put me in a trance.

Come on, Millie.

How do you do?

I'm Sally Rogers.

I'm already in a trance, and I'm nobody's wife.

Look.

Fellas, will you just give him one chance to exhale?

That's all.

OK, let's say we eat first and then get hypnotized?

Eat first?

Sure, we always do it that way.

Not with my wife's cooking, better

you should be hypnotized first.

LAURA PETRIE: If anyone wants more coffee

stop me from grabbing your cup.

Nobody wants any more coffee.

I'd like another cup of coffee.

Well, you'll have it for breakfast.

I'm ready.

What do I have to do, do I have to look at something?

Why are you so anxious to be hypnotized.

I don't know.

I just like to try new things.

Well, if you wanna try something new,

why don't you get up one morning and fix me breakfast?

Speaking of trance, I have to listen to him.

All right.

Rob, is it all right if we have a little demonstration?

You wouldn't make us do anything really embarrassing,

would you?

Well, a hypnotist can't make anybody

do anything they would normally do when they're wide awake.

Come on. Enough with the theory.

Put me under.

- All right. - OK.

Let's go.

Do you have a chair?

- I sit here? - Please, come over here.

Come on. Sit with me, Sally.

I get a [inaudible] right here.

Now, Millie, I want you to try to make

your mind a complete blank.

Oh, that's no problem for her.

Now you're very relaxed.

Your body is very tired.

Your arms are heavy, heavy.

Your legs are heavy, heavy.

I think her legs are pretty, pretty.

You're very relaxed, very relaxed.

And your eyelids are very heavy, very heavy.

Did you know your wife had fat eyelids?

GLEN JAMESON: Are you asleep?

Hey, is she really sleeping?

If she's not talking, she's asleep.

When I snap my fingers, you'll open your eyes.

And when you look at your husband,

you'll see Rock Hudson.

What's the trick?

That's what most people see.

You'll act like a giggly teenager.

You'll ask for his autograph, and when he refuses,

you'll beg him for it until he gives it to you.

Now when I snap my fingers, you'll open your eyes.

When are you gonna put me under?

Hey, it didn't work.

Boy, she sure had me fooled.

Gee, you know, for a minute there,

I felt like I was really gonna go to sleep.

I wonder why I couldn't go to sleep.

Because you slept all day.

No, I didn't.

I didn't.

Rock, Rock Hudson.

Hey, Hey, Glen.

Glen is she kidding?

No, she's not kidding.

Rock, I've seen every one of your pictures.

And I think you're the cat's meow.

Millie, cut it out.

Will you, Millie?

Oh, Rock, listen, would you give

your autograph and sign it with love from

Rock to Millie [inaudible]?

Come on, Millie.

Cut it out, will you?

Oh, Rock, listen if you don't give me your autograph,

I'll hold my breath till I turn blue.

OK. OK.

Give her your autograph.

OK.

All right.

There.

There you are.

There's my autograph.

No, no, no. Rock Hudson.

Rock Hudson.

I should've thought of that.

There you are, Rock Hudson.

Oh, Rock.

Gee, I feel wonderful.

I feel like I had a-- what are you holding?

Put me down.

We're not at home, for heaven's sake.

You were wonderful.

Wonderful.

Didn't I tell you this guy was great?

He's terrific.

Listen, Rob, do you think we can get Glen

to hypnotize our sponsor to like one of our sketches

for a change?

Yeah, why don't we take him down to the office

tomorrow and have him go to work on old man Boland.

Well, the trouble is you can't get anybody to do anything

they wouldn't do normally.

He's right.

Glen, I've never been hypnotized, I'd love to try.

- I'm game. - Well, wait a minute.

We can't all be hypnotized.

Somebody's gotta stay awake and watch the fun.

Well, I'll stay awake and watch Glen.

By the way, I did tell you I wasn't married.

Yeah, I'm very happy about that.

Well, I'm not.

Hey, enough of this boy-girl stuff.

Let's get back to this hypnotism game.

ROBERT PETRIE: Yeah, come on. - All right, now hold it, Buddy.

Now hypnotism is not a game.

You shouldn't involve yourself in it

unless a qualified hypnotist is present.

Well, you're qualified, Glen, so we're safe, right?

- Yes, yes, I am. - OK, then let's do it.

All right. All right.

Anybody that wants to be a subject over on the couch.

Oh, boy.

[interposing voices]

RITCHIE PETRIE: Daddy, Mommy.

I think our son wants a drink of water.

Honey, you get hypnotized.

I'll go get it.

OK, dear, but come right back.

Are you kidding?

I wouldn't miss that for the world.

Excuse me. - OK.

Now you're very relaxed, relaxed back

against the back of the couch.

Now it's very peaceful, very peaceful.

And you're lying on a big white cloud.

Hey, Millie, how did you feel being hypnotized?

I don't remember anything about it.

Well, did Jerry really look like Rock Hudson?

Rock Hudson is that what I thought?

Yeah you asked him for his autograph and everything.

Yeah.

Gee, I ought to get hypnotized more often.

GLEN JAMESON: You are very, very sleepy.

There goes Laura.

You're going into a deep, deep sleep.

Oh, there goes good old Rock.

Don't try it with me.

A lot of people have tried to hypnotize me.

GLEN JAMESON: You want to go-- - Believe me.

It never--

GLEN JAMESON: --sleep.

Go to sleep.

Why there goes good old Rip Van Lazy.

What he do, use a club?

Now, Laura, when I snap my fingers,

you'll assume the personality of the person you most admire.

Aw.

What can I say?

"Fourscore and seven years ago, our father's

brought forth upon this continent

a new nation conceived in liberty

and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Hey, Glen, you better wake her up before she's assassinated.

What did I do?

"Fourscore and seven years ago."

Oh, no, not Abraham Lincoln.

No, Raymond Massey.

Honey, you didn't sound like him,

but you sure looked like him.

SALLY ROGERS: Oh, Glen, that's great, just great.

Now, Jerry, Jerry, when I snap my fingers,

you'll open your eyes and you'll assume the personality

of the person you most admire.

I repeat, the person you most admire.

Who's it gonna be?

His hero.

San Francisco is the home of my birth,

441 1 and 1/2 O'Farrell street.

I went through grade school and high school

as the star basketball player.

Early in life I wanted to become a dentist, which I now am.

I'm highly proficient in root canal work.

Yes, I am.

Who's he talking about?

His hero, him.

I enjoy all sports both participating and spectating.

Glen, would you please turn him off.

I feel I'd be awfully good as a--

Hey, I feel wonderful.

You are the most secure man I've ever met.

I know that.

I know that.

But you see, I really feel wonderful.

I feel like I could play some basketball or something.

Hey, I feel great, Millie.

Well, that's good.

The rest of us are a little ill.

Hey, Glen, what about good old Sleeping Beauty?

LAURA PETRIE: Do you think we should even disturb,

Buddy, he looks like he's turned in for the night?

Well I think he'd make an interesting subject.

I'd like to use a different kind of posthypnotic suggestion

with him, with a bell ring as a trigger.

Oh, that sounds like it ought to be fun.

Oh, this I gotta see.

RITCHIE PETRIE: Mommy, Daddy, I want a drink of water.

Honey, you watch the hypnotism.

I'll take care of him.

LAURA PETRIE: Oh, thank you, darling.

GLEN JAMESON: Buddy, you can hear my voice.

You hear nothing but the sound of it,

and you will pay attention to it.

Listen to the sound of my voice.

Now you are continuing to sleep.

You are in a very, very deep, deep sleep.

Your eyelids are very, very, very heavy.

Now nod your head if you can hear me.

Now you are very, very thirsty.

You want a glass of water, only someone gives you a glass

of gin instead by mistake.

But you drink it because you're very thirsty.

Now here drink this.

Thank you.

Now when I snap my fingers, you'll wake up.

You won't remember anything that happened,

and you'll feel wonderful.

Only when you hear one bell ring,

you'll become roaring drunk.

Only another bell ring will sober you up,

now one ring drunk, another ring sober.

Now when I snap my fingers, you'll wake up.

You won't remember anything that happened,

and you'll feel absolutely wonderful.

Hey, I feel great.

Ha-ha, couldn't hypnotize me, huh?

Hey, who are you calling?

Nobody.

BUDDY SORRELL: Give them my regards.

How do you like--

[phone rings]

Happy New Years!

Why don't we go out and crack a whip.

[inaudible]

What's everybody laughing at?

What did I miss?

You should've been there.

You didn't miss nothing but a magnificent performance.

Performance.

I knew he wasn't really under.

I knew it, but I just wanted to see how far you'd go, Buddy.

You mean, you've been kidding us?

- Yeah. - I told you.

I'm un-hypnotizable.

Oh, Buddy, you big fake, you.

I'm sorry.

Why do have to spoil everything like that?

Oh, that's a shame.

Well, you should've used me.

I'm a great sucker.

It's so fascinating that it works.

Glen, how long would body have reacted to those rings?

Oh, I don't know, several hours a day sometimes.

Couldn't that be dangerous?

No, no, I would always cancel the posthypnotic suggestion

before leaving a subject out of my sight.

Well, it's pointless to cancel that big fake there isn't it?

GLEN JAMESON: It certainly is pointless.

Who wants more coffee and chocolate chip cookies?

MILLIE HELPER: Cookies.

Listen, Laura, I don't think you ought to give

this big fake anything at all.

Oh, come on.

I deserve something for my performance.

Well, how about something to match your personality, ham.

Come on.

[interposing voices]

Darling, were you planning to say

something like, why don't you let

the dishes go to the morning?

No, I wasn't.

Believe me, darling, I don't mind doing them now.

I'm just thinking of you.

You're thinking of me.

Well, I'm picturing you in the bedroom trying

to get to sleep with me in the kitchen rattling the dishes

and the pots and the pans.

You'd never get to sleep.

I promise you.

Leave the dishes.

Leave the dishes.

OK.

I'll race you to sleep.

Honey, are you in there?

[phone ringing]

Stop tilting the room, and I'll get it.

[phone ringing]

About time.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Pickles.

No, Buddy already left.

Oh, we're sorry you couldn't come too.

We had a great party.

Why he'll be home pretty soon.

OK.

Bye, Pickles.

You know it's a shame I didn't have Glen give

you a post hypnotic suggestion.

You mean like maybe every time the phone rang,

I do the dishes or something?

And the pots, and the pans.

Remind me never to get hypnotized.

Marge, listen I have got to talk to Mel before the sponsor's

conference this afternoon.

When he comes in, will you have him ring me?

Yeah, thanks.

County jail.

Who, Mel?

If he wants to come in, let him come in.

They don't make jackets like my mother used to.

Who designed this, Houdini?

Be with you in a minute, Mel.

Yeah, oh, hi, Sal.

No, I think you can be late today.

I'm positive that Buddy's planning to be.

Yeah, we'll see you later.

OK, bye.

Mel, you don't possibly need Buddy

or Sally for the sponsor's conference, do you?

Is that the latest in casual attire?

How in the world did I get twisted like that?

I don't know, but I suggest you

straighten it out right away.

Mr. Boland is here, and he'd like

to stop in and say hello for a few minutes before the meeting.

Good. Send him in.

I'll be right back.

How in the world did that happen?

I'm in a bunch.

Hello.

Mage, hello.

I can't hear you, Marge.

Come in.

I'm on the phone.

Hello, Marge.

Rob.

Rob.

Just a second, Mel, can't you see

that I am talking on the coat?

Rob, Mr. Boland is here.

Fine, send him in.

Rob he's here.

Not much, keep talking, honey, I

know you're in there somewhere.

I will try and find you, Marge.

Mr. Cooley, what is he doing?

A little early in the morning for a man to be

in that condition, isn't it?

Oh, no he's perfectly--

Marge, Marge, I can hear you talking, honey.

Don't get panicky.

I think I know where you are.

Rob, Rob, what are you doing?

There is a girl suffocating in my jacket.

Rob, Mr. Boland is a very busy man.

Just a moment, Mr. Cooley, I am a very busy man.

But I'm never too busy to watch a creative writer

working out a comedy routine.

Comedy routines?

Yeah, that's very amusing.

Gentlemen, would you please try and control yourselves?

There is a poor girl stuck in the lining of my jacket.

And I think that I may have to operate on her.

Very good.

Yeah, you see he's playing drunk.

And there's a girl--

Oh, Rob, you don't have to go as far as to ruin your jacket.

Sir, I am a doctor.

To save this young girl, I would've cut

off my pants and my diploma.

What do you think of that, Dr. Zorba?

Rob.

If you are squeamish of mind, why don't you

turn to another channel?

Now that's the kind of sketch I want to see on Alan's show

this week.

That's what we planned.

Well, good, good, good.

Oh.

How do you feel, Marge?

That's good.

Marge, do not laugh too hard, or you will rip your stitches.

Rip your stitches I like that.

Oh.

Oh, Dr. Zorba, just because I disobeyed you,

you didn't have to cut off all your hair.

That's a very funny routine, Rob.

Now it's time for our meeting.

Oh, that's marvelous.

Let's have the meeting.

Excuse me, won't you?

Hello.

Marge, what?

Marge, will you stop laughing.

I can't understand.

Will you control yourself?

You wanna tell me, what?

You wanna tell me I'm very funny.

Yeah, you are.

ROBERT PETRIE: Oh, well, thank you very much then, Marge.

Well, I think that Marge may need a vacation.

Well, Mr. Boland, how are you?

I'm fine, but I certainly don't have to ask how you are.

Oh, you don't.

You're just as brilliantly creative as ever.

I am.

And now it's time for our meeting.

I don't have to hear anymore.

You just keep writing sketches like the one

you just did on that phone.

Like the one I just did on the phone.

That's right.

Yeah, I want to talk to Alan alone for a few minutes.

Will you just give us a couple of minutes?

Oh, fine sure. Fine.

Yeah.

[inaudible]

Mel, are you kidding me?

I don't know who's kidding who.

I think I know what happened.

Marge, Marge, will you stop it.

Control yourself, just for a minute.

Look, I want you to get me Glen Jameson on the phone.

Well, you've got his number out there.

All right, goodbye.

Well, I'm not sure that it's possible.

But I think that's it.

What's it?

The party, you couldn't make it to the party last night.

That's right.

We had a party last night, and Buddy--

The poor little Billy.

He's so sweet.

And I think I was hypnotized.

That's it.

What's it?

You don't understand?

No, I-- you explain it to me later.

OK.

Hello.

Oh, Glen, am I glad you called.

Listen, I'm glad you had a good time.

So did I it was a wonderful party.

Look, Glen, do you remember the posthypnotic suggestion

you tried to give Buddy?

Well, it didn't work on him, but I

intercepted it in the kitchen.

Yeah.

Every time I hear a bell ring around here,

I get roaring drunk.

It's a good idea.

You've got me drunk.

You sober me up.

Listen, I won't budge from the place until you get here.

I'll sit right here and wait for you.

OK. Bye.

Hurry.

Marge, under no circumstances let this phone ring.

I'll explain it to you later.

Just don't let it ring.

Oh.

Mr. Boland must have thought I was insane, cutting holes

in my sport jacket, might just as well get some work done

when he gets here.

Let's see, where was I?

Alan says, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I just got back--

All Right.

Let's see what I've got here.

Alan says, folks, good evening I just got back from Washington

D.C., and you know what D.C. stand for, [non-english] Oh,

no.

GLEN JAMESON: Now do you understand, Rob, when I snap

my fingers, you'll wake up.

You won't remember anything that happened,

and you'll feel absolutely wonderful.

LAURA PETRIE: Are you all right, Rob?

BUDDY SORRELL: You OK? You sure?

Am I all right?

Have them ring a phone.

OK.

Marge, you can ring now.

Gee, I feel great.

Glen, Glen, he's still drunk.

Either that or somebody stole his bones.

Glen, what went wrong?

Why I don't understand unless he's kidding.

Rob, are you kidding?

Of course, I'm kidding.

Oh, Rob.

Oh, you're worse than, Buddy.

I'm sorry.

That was a mean thing to do.

[applause]

[theme music]

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