The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 1, Episode 19 - The Talented Neighborhood - full transcript

ANNOUNCER: So if you think your child has talent,

send his or her picture to "The Alan Brady Show"

in care of this station.

Maybe your child will be chosen

as this year's most gifted youngster.

Goodnight, all.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Well, pretty good show tonight.

Yes, it was.

You gonna send in my picture, daddy?

No, Rich, I'm not.



You send it in, mommy.

Maybe I'll win those gifts.

Sweetheart, they're not giving gifts away.

They're looking for gifted children.

That means children who have performing talent.

Do I have that?

Well, not that we know of as yet.

When will you know?

Well, Rich, we kind of know now.

You don't sing or dance or play an instrument.

I can sing.

I can sing "America." Want to hear it?

♪ O beautiful for spacious skies ♪

♪ For amber waves of grain



Yes, very good, Rich.

♪ For purple mountain majesties ♪

♪ Above the fruited plain!

Rob: that's enough, Rich.

♪ America! America!

He's very good, isn't he, honey?

♪ God shed his grace on thee

♪ And crown thy good with brotherhood ♪

That's very good. That's very--

( AUDIENCE LAUGHTER THROUGHOUT )

♪ America!

Okay.

Laura: Richie, honey .

That's very good, dear,

but I don't think you're quite ready for television.

Oh.

Won't you get me on the show anyway, daddy?

It's your show.

Well, it isn't really my show, Rich.

I just write it.

All right, Richie, it's time for bed.

Go brush your teeth.

Okay.

Come on, now. Hop.

You know something?

I think we're raising a comedian.

( DOORBELL )

would you mind if he went into television?

No, not if he had talent.

Think he has any hidden talent?

Well hey, if he has, it's very well hidden.

Oh, hi, Jerry. Hi, Rob.

Come on in. Hi, Jerry.

Hi, Laura.

Hey, Rob, you sure wrote a great show tonight.

Thank you.

Coming from you, boy, that's high praise.

I'll say.

For that, I offer coffee. Coffee?

Well, what have you got to go with it?

Fresh cheese and crackers or stale doughnuts.

I'll have the stale doughnuts.

It'll give me an excuse to dunk.

Me too, honey.

All right. I hope I didn't throw them away.

She's got a lot of class, you know?

Sit down.

Thanks.

Say, Rob, that thing at the end of the show,

was that on the level,

about kids sending in pictures

and auditioning for that contest?

Oh, yeah, Alan Brady does it every year.

Say, do they get to read all those thousands of letters

that come in? Oh, yeah, they read 'em.

You'd be surprised how many parents think

their kids have talent.

Yeah, but don't some of those others

get lost in the shuffle?

You know, Millie was gonna send in

a picture of our daughter.

Ellen's a whiz at the piano, but I told her not to bother.

They'd never get around to reading all that mail.

Well, no, they'd open yours, Jer.

Jerry: you know what occurred to me?

What?

Well, I thought maybe you might arrange

an audition for Ellen.

You know, sort of cut through the red tape.

( LAUGHING ) Gee, I don't know, Jer.

Here we are, fresh coffee and stale doughnuts.

Start dunking, fellas.

Laura, you've seen my daughter, Ellen,

play the piano.

Yes, I went to her debut at the music school.

Tell Rob how she plays.

She plays very well.

You hear that? Very well.

What a repertoire she's got.

Look, I've written it down.

"Yankee Doodle Dandy," "The Wigwam Dance,"

"Three Blind Mice," "A Frog He Would A Wooing Go,"

"Rum Tum Tum," "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

and the "Cantata For Witches And Elves." Hah?

Seven pieces.

That kid has learned seven pieces by heart

in less than six months.

I mean, she's great, Rob.

Isn't she great, Laura?

Yes, she is, Jer, but why are you shouting?

I mean, Rob didn't say she wasn't.

Jerry would like me to use my influence

to get his daughter an audition.

Oh, can't you?

Well, yeah, I can, but--

But what?

Frankly, Jerry, if I do it for you,

I'll have the whole neighborhood on my back

to do 'em the same favor.

Rob, there isn't that much talent

in this neighborhood.

Darling, would it be too difficult

to arrange the audition?

No, I suppose not.

I'll see what I can do, Jerry.

Oh, thanks, Rob.

Those are gonna take a lot of dunking.

( PHONE RINGING )

I'll get it.

Hello?

Yes, he is. Just a minute.

It's for you, darling. A lady.

Hah, how do you like that?

They know I'm happily married.

They just won't give up.

( LAUGHING )

Here, keep this dunked for me, will you?

Certainly.

Hello?

Uh, who?

No, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't--

well, oh, uh, where did we meet?

At the PTA.

Oh yes, how are you, Mrs. Grousstark?

Uh-huh, well, yes,

well, I'd love to do that but--

well, no, why don't you just mail--

Ha, ha, no, look, I'm sure your son has talent but--

no, Mrs. Grousstark--

Mrs. Grousstark,

there's no reason for me to see your son perform.

Because I'm not the judge.

Look, if you think he has talent, just--

Ha, ha, Miss Grous--

( STAMMERS )

mail it here.

Sorry, I didn't mean to shout,

I didn't realize you were through talking.

Just mail it to me.

Yeah, oh, you're quite welcome.

Goodbye, Mrs. Grousstark.

Oh boy, how do you like that?

Mrs. Grousstark is gonna have you

handle the audition personally?

That's right.

Boy, that's a lot of nerve.

Oh, Jerry. Now, look--

( phone ringing )

Robert Petrie's talent agency?

Oh, hello, mayor.

Yes, sir, this is Robert Petrie.

It's the mayor.

Yes, sir.

Yes, I'm connected with "The Alan Brady Show,"

that's right, mayor.

Yes, I could do that.

No, no, no, no trouble at all.

It's my pleasure.

Well, listen, if you say she has talent,

I'm sure she has.

After all, you're the mayor.

( GIGGLING )

It was just a joke.

Oh, is that so?

Gee, that's a long poem, 19 stanzas?

Really? While she's roller skating.

I don't believe I've ever seen anyone do that.

Yes, I'd love to hear her skate-- uh, recite.

Not now, mayor, uh, your honor--

Oh, hello, Cynthia.

Yes, your daddy was just telling me.

Well, you don't have to recite all 19 stanzas-- you do?

Uh, yes, go right ahead, Cynthia.

Yes, I hear the skates.

Oops! ( GIGGLING )

She fell down.

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

( THEME MUSIC )

SALLY: Okay, kids, come on in.

That's it.

Why don't you sit over here, honey.

That's it, over there.

And you sit over here until they call you

for the audition, okay?

Now do either of you want a drink of water or something?

Well, if you want anything, just let me know.

Aunt Sally's gonna catch up on some typing.

Aunt Sally?

Yes, Florian?

What do you want?

Could I have an "a"?

An egg?

No, an "A" from the piano.

Oh.

( PLAYS A NOTE )

That's a flat.

( PLAYS A NOTE REPEATEDLY )

( PLUCKING STRING )

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Rotten little kid's got a good ear.

Sally, I wonder if you'd mind--

Oh, the auditions are down the hall.

Uh, Mel, they're with me.

This is my neighbor's sister's kid, Florian,

and this is my butcher's granddaughter, Annia.

And what do they do?

What do they do?

Well, this one's a brain surgeon.

What do you mean, what do they do?

I mean, what are they doing here?

Did they send in their photographs and biographies?

Well, no, they thought I could cut through the red tape.

I mean, it's all right, isn't it, Mel?

Well, I don't know whether I like that.

It doesn't seem right to me.

Somehow, it seems illegal.

What seems illegal?

Well, I brought some kids in for the audition

and Mel wants to have me arrested.

What's the matter with that, Mel?

Hi, kids.

These kids didn't go through the proper channels.

Oh!

Well, you don't approve, do you, Rob?

Let me put it this way, Mel.

Come in, kids.

Just find seats wherever you can,

over on the sofa there.

Yeah, there's enough room over there.

Now, you sit right there.

( CYMBALS CRASHING ) Oh!

A little later.

You know, I don't approve, Mel,

but what are you gonna do

when you've got a neighborhood full of talented kids?

Hey, wait for me.

That's Cynthia, the mayor's daughter.

Honey, you don't have to do it now.

Just sit down there with this little girl

until we call you.

Oh, am I late for school?

Yeah, about 30 years.

What's this?

What do you mean, "what's this?"

What does it look like?

It's a room full of talented children.

What does the big one do?

Rob, it's 10:15.

Hey, he tells time. Very good.

Come on, buddy. Look, it is late.

We've got a whole script to write over there.

Yes, and you have seven children to audition.

We have to audition?

Yes, you.

What do you mean, "we"?

You brought 'em, you audition them.

I've got a rehearsal hall full of children

whose parents went through the proper channels.

Excuse me.

There he goes, folks, the great American emblem,

the bald eagle.

Well, looks like we're stuck.

We may as well start auditioning.

Yeah.

Hey, buddy, how come you escaped your neighbors

and their talented children?

Who escaped?

Ta-da!

All right, you sit there, son.

Honey, you sit over there.

Good, and Frankie.

Well, you see, Mrs. Petrie, we missed the program

and we didn't know anything about the audition.

When do you think Mr. Petrie will be home?

I'd love him to hear Kenneth sing.

Sit up straight, dear.

Well, he'll be home soon

but I know he's gonna be very tired.

Oh, when he hears Kenneth sing,

he'll perk up, ha, ha, ha.

Everybody does.

Kenneth is an unusually gifted child.

Take your hands out of your pockets.

Well, I'm sure Kenneth is gifted

but, you see, my husband only writes the show.

Now I'd suggest you contact the producer.

That's the way the auditions are being arranged.

Oh, but Mrs. Grousstark and Mrs. Helper

and the mayor said your husband arranged auditions for them.

They didn't have to go through all that red tape.

Well, he did but you see that was--

Well, I'm sure he'd be happy to do the same favor for me.

LAURA: Well, I don't know, Mrs.--

actually, in a sense,

we would be doing Mr. Petrie the favor.

We will?

Yes.

Wouldn't it be a feather in his cap

to be able to say that he discovered

the most gifted child of the year?

No candy now, Kenneth.

I'm sure Kenneth is gifted--

MRS. KENDALL: Uh, tell me, when did you say

you expect Mr. Petrie?

Well, not for several hours.

As a matter of fact,

I don't think he'll be in before midnight.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Well, here he is now.

Darling, what a surprise.

Hello, Mr. Petrie.

Hello.

Honey, I didn't expect you for at least six hours.

Oh, well, traffic was good.

Darling, this is Mrs. Kendall, the mayor's sister.

The mayor's sister.

You don't have to introduce us.

We're old friends.

We are?

I mean, have we met before?

You don't remember me, Mr. Petrie?

Last summer, the supermarket?

I was the one that told you how much I liked your show.

Oh, were you the one?

( LAUGHING ) Yeah.

Darling, Mrs. Kendall wanted you to hear

her son, Kenneth, sing, and I was telling her

I thought it would be better if she talked to the producer.

Yes, much better.

You see, I'm not in a position--

Mr. Petrie, have you ever heard

a 10-year-old boy sing an entire Italian opera?

No, I don't believe I have.

Well, then you're in for a big treat

because you're going to.

Oh, wonderful.

Come to the piano, Kenneth.

Mrs. Kendall, my husband hasn't had his dinner yet.

Good.

Kenneth, put that candy down.

Uh, what do we do now?

I'm sure she'll tell us.

Sit down you two.

There you are.

MRS. KENDALL: all right, Kenneth.

Sing your opera.

With expression.

"Don Giovanni" by Wolfgang A-mee-dius Mozart.

Mote-zart.

Mote-zart.

( PIANO PLAYING )

♪ La ci darem la mano la mi dirai di s ♪

♪ Vedi, non e lontano, partiam ben mio, da qui ♪

How long does an opera last?

At this tempo, I'd say 'til Thursday.

♪ Mi trema un poco il cor felice e ver sarei ♪

♪ Ma puo burlarmi ancor!

♪ Ma puo burlarmi ancor!

Ah, well, thank you so much for your time, Mr. Petrie.

Come on, Kenneth.

Isn't it amazing how time flies?

I'll bet you didn't know that you've been listening

for over two hours.

Two hours.

Gee, time really flies when you're hungry--

when you're enjoying yourself.

Yes, well, goodnight.

And say goodnight to Mrs. Petrie for me.

I do hope her headache goes away.

Yeah, I think it's going.

Oh, shake hands with Mr. Petrie and sing "Adios."

♪ A-di-osssss!

Ha, ha, ha, isn't that cute?

Yes.

Goodnight, Mrs. Kendall.

MRS. KENDALL: What's the matter with you,

getting chocolate all over Mr. Petrie?

Has she gone?

Yeah, but not a minute too soon.

How can people be that way?

Oh, honey, it's really my fault.

( PHONE RINGING )

I should have just been strong with her

and told her to go through channels.

( PHONE RINGING )

- hello?

Yes, this is he.

Who?

Mr. Mathias?

Do I know you?

Oh, I see.

New neighbor, with children.

Talented children?

Are there any other kind?

What's that, Mr. Mathias?

You'd like to come over this evening and get acquainted?

Ah-huh. by any chance,

would you like to bring your children over too?

Ah, I thought so.

Look, Mr. Mathias, I'd love to get together

and meet with you some time

but not until the gifted child contest is over.

Now, is that all right with you? Fine.

Rob, that didn't sound like you.

Good. When I sound like me,

I end up doing things I don't want to do.

No more auditioning children?

Oh, not if I can help it.

I think I just found the way to do it too.

Think, act and talk mean.

Now how about some dinner?

Yes, sir.

Hey, that works.

♪ La ci darem la mano

Laura!

Sorry.

Better.

That's him. That's my father.

He looks short.

No, he's tall.

He's sleeping scrunched up.

Yeah, there's his knees.

Who's that over there?

That's my mother.

Is your mother pretty?

I don't know. Daddy says so.

When will he get up?

Soon. Can't you wake him up?

RITCHIE: No, daddy hollers when I wake him up.

Maybe we could pull the covers down.

Yeah, pull the covers down.

Yes, pull the covers down.

See, I told you, Tiger pajamas.

Yeah, they're very nice pajamas.

Yeah, they're nice pajamas.

Nice pajamas.

Like a real tiger, huh?

Yeah, like a real tiger.

I want to see the tiger's face.

Shhh. The tiger's moving.

What? Whoo!

Laura? Laura?

Richie, what are you doing in here?

I was just showing my friends daddy's new pajamas.

Rich.

I've told you not to wake daddy up when he's sleeping.

And who are those people?

They're not people. They're my friends.

I've never seen you children before, have I?

No, you haven't, Mrs. Petrie.

Rich, how many times have I told you

not to disturb daddy on his day off?

They wanted to see the tiger pajamas.

Oh, did they?

We just moved into the neighborhood.

Well, there must be other things in this neighborhood

to explore besides my pajamas.

Rob, calm down.

Well, Laura, really, I mean, this is too much,

coming right in our bedroom.

Now, why did you kids really come here?

My father sent me over to introduce myself,

my brother and sister.

Oh.

Your name wouldn't happen to be Mathias, would it?

Yes.

The man who called last night?

Uh-huh, that's right.

All right, which of you wants to sing or dance?

I dance a little.

Martin's a good dancer.

Yes, dance, Martin.

Hold it.

Nobody dances in this bedroom except me.

Come on, children,

I think it's time you all went home now.

ROB: That's an excellent idea.

Come on, out.

ROB: Uh, Martin?

Yes, sir? Would you tell your daddy

that you and your brother and sister

can come over to our house any time you feel like

to play but not to dance.

Yes, sir, I'll tell him.

I've never seen you dance in the bedroom.

Oh!

( DOORBELL SOUNDS )

I'll get it. I'll get it, honey.

Oh.

( DOORBELL SOUNDS )

BOTH: I thought you said you were gonna get it.

( GIGGLING ) let's both get it.

ROB: Yes? Mr. Petrie?

ROB: That's right. I'm George Mathias.

Oh yes, Mr. Mathias.

I'd like to speak with you if you have a moment.

Well, I tell you, it's my day off.

Won't take long, I promise you.

Well, all right. Come in.

I came to speak to you about my son, Martin.

Oh, Martin?

Yes, my older boy.

I see.

Mr. Mathias, I think I ought to tell you

my husband is not a talent scout,

nor is he a producer.

He's also not a very good neighbor.

What? He is a very good neighbor.

He wasn't very neighborly to me last night on the phone

or to my children this morning.

Mr. Mathias, did it ever occur to you

that to send a group of kids over to my house

to invade my bedroom and wake me up

just to audition for me

was also not a very neighborly thing to do?

Mr. Petrie, are you in the habit

of auditioning friends for your son?

Friends for my son?

Is that why you called here last night?

I called here last night

because I'm new in this neighborhood.

I was told that you had a son

the same age as my boy Philip.

Oh my.

Oh my is right.

You called to find a friend for Philip?

Yes.

Mr. Mathias, I'm afraid that we owe you

a very large apology.

Oh, please sit down.

Honestly, my husband and I are very nice people.

Well, I had heard that you were.

Yeah, it's just that the last few days

have been kind of hectic for me.

You see, I write "The Alan Brady Show."

Really? One of my favorite shows,

though I haven't seen it lately.

Well, then, you didn't even know about the contest?

What contest?

Oh boy.

Well, every year, Alan Brady holds auditions

to select the most gifted child of the year.

All my neighbors have been badgering me

to use my influence to get them auditioned.

Well, let me assure you, Mr. Petrie,

I didn't know anything about the contest.

Oh, well, I hope you understand.

You will accept my apology?

Why, of course I will.

And please tell Philip

he's most welcome to come over here

and play with Richie any time he wants to.

Well, thank you.

Can I fix you some coffee? No thanks.

I'd better get on home, tell the Missus

you're not quite the monsters I described you to be.

( LAUGHING )

Do that, will you?

Oh, by the way, Mr. Petrie, did you find any talented kids?

Frankly, no.

The whole thing was a great big waste of time.

That's too bad.

I just can never understand

how some parents can delude themselves

into thinking their children have talent.

Sort of a shame.

Why a shame?

Well, it makes it twice as tough

for kids who have real talent to get noticed.

Uh, do you know any kid with real talent?

No, I don't. Good.

'cept my son, Martin.

Martin has real talent?

Oh, he's fantastic.

He never took a lesson in his life.

He saw some Spanish dancers on television one time.

He can imitate them to perfection.

Well, you'd think you were watching what's his name?

José Greco.

( LAUGHING ) yeah, José Greco, yeah.

Darling, would you like Mr. Mathias

to bring his son, Martin, over for an audition?

Oh, no siree, I wouldn't bother Mr. Petrie.

Not after hearing how much he's been annoyed all week.

Some other time, perhaps.

How about in an hour?

You got a record player?

Yes, we do.

I'll be back in an hour.

A half hour.

You know, honey, you have a big mouth?

MR. MATHIAS: Yeah, that's okay.

That should hold together fine.

Hope you don't mind my bringing these boards over here

but you'll be able to hear these marvelous clicks

he makes with his heels.

Ah-hah, he makes marvelous clicks with his heels.

MR. MATHIAS: also protect your rug.

I'm gonna put the record on now. Are you ready, Martin?

MARTIN: Ready. Here's the record.

You watch now, just like José Greco.

( FLAMENCO MUSIC )

( HEELS CLICKING WITH MUSIC )

( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERING AND CONGRATULATING )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )