The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 1, Episode 17 - Punch Thy Neighbor - full transcript

Say, that's a marvelous dance team.

( TOY RATTLES )

Please, honey, I'm trying to watch.

Did you write this dance, Daddy?

No, dear.

Daddy didn't write the dance,

but he did write the show, and he wants to see it.

ALAN BRADY: ( ON TV ) Well, that's our little contribution for this week.

Now I'd like to bring out our guests for ne last bow.

Here they are.

Did you write what Alan Brady just said?



Uh, part of it, Ritch.

ALAN BRADY: Now until next week,

I'll leave you with this thought.

It's better to smile one day than cry a whole year.

Goodnight, all.

Oh, that didn't work.

ANNOUNCER: " The Alan Brady Show"

Is a Jeff Greg Barb Lou Ben Ray Polly production.

Where'd they get that name,

"Jeff Greg Barb Lou Ben Ray Polly"?

Well, Jeff and Greg are the kids.

Barb is his wife.

Ben is his lawyer.

Ray is his brother, and Lou is his manager.



Who's Polly?

That's his bird.

Okay, Ritch, say goodnight to everybody.

Time for bed.

Goodnight, Daddy.

Goodnight, Ritch.

JERRY: Goodnight, Ritchie.

Goodnight.

I'll just go tuck him in.

It shouldn't take more than an hour.

Honey, would you put that stool away?

Oh, okay.

Well, another week and another show.

You know, except for that closing line,

it wasn't a bad show tonight.

I thought it was wonderful.

You two enjoyed it, huh?

Now do you want an honest opinion?

ROB AND MILLIE: No!

Why not?

'Cause I don't know what's gonna come out of you tonight.

Are you in one of your needling moods?

No. An honest opinion

doesn't mean I'm gonna say it was a lousy show.

All right then, what did you think of it?

It was rotten.

Thank you very much, Jerry Helper.

Don't pay any attention to him.

He loves to tease.

Ooh, someday.

Laura, what did you think of the show?

I thought it was very good.

Oh now, there's a loyal wife.

No, Jerry, it's not just loyalty.

I happened to honestly enjoy Mr. Alan Brady tonight.

Oh, Rob, straighten her out, will you?

Look, Laura doesn't need somebody to tell her

what's good and what's bad.

But you even said it was a clinker.

All I said was it wasn't a bad show.

I said the last line was a clinker.

Well, one closing clinker

can make a whole show clank.

I think maybe we ought to have some coffee

before things get violent.

We're not gonna get violent.

No, two friends don't have to get violent

just because they're gonna discuss the merits

of a rotten television show.

Just a minute, jerry.

I don't know whether you're kidding or not.

Oh, of course, he's kidding.

You know Jerry.

Yeah, I know Jerry,

and I can never tell whether he's kidding or not.

Oh, Rob, did you think I was serious?

Well, I never know with you.

You sounded serious.

Well, I was.

Jerry!

JERRY: Okay, the truth.

You want to know what I honestly thought

of Rob's show tonight?

Yeah, if it's an honest opinion.

Well, it is.

I'll bet.

I thought it was very enjoyable

and highly entertaining.

Well, thank you.

If you like junk.

You're gonna get it.

I mean it, you're gonna get it.

Aw, everybody knows I'm kidding.

Are you?

No.

Jerry!

Aw, come on, honey.

Rob knows it's just in fun.

Jerry, that is just the point.

Kidding is not fun.

It can lead to serious repercussions.

JERRY: Like what?

Well, like, someday you're gonna pick on some guy,

you're gonna get a bust right in the nose.

Oh, come on, now, Rob.

You're not gonna punch me in the nose.

No, not me, I'm not the violent type.

But you're gonna come up against some guy, some day,

who doesn't know you're kidding.

He's gonna haul up and hit you one.

No, not me.

When I see that punch coming, I'll say "kidding."

Uh-huh. He'll say, "So what?" Pow!

( DOORBELL RINGS )

Ah, excuse me, I'll get that.

Oh, that looks good.

Yeah, I hope you like it.

I thought it looked kind of good.

It's frozen.

Oh, hello, Officer Bain.

Hello, Mrs. Petrie.

Is Mr. Petrie in?

He's here, officer.

Give yourself up, Rob.

Yes, sir, he wrote that show tonight.

MILLIE: Stop that.

Oh, thanks very much.

Hi, Jack. Come on in.

Mr. Petrie.

You know our next door neighbors.

Hello, Dr. Helper, Mrs. Helper.

Now listen, Rob. Don't involve me.

He came to arrest you.

Dr. Helper! They're kidding.

Officer, would you like some coffee?

No, thank you.

JERRY: Hey, there's a smart man,

He's heard about your coffee.

What can I do for you, Jack?

Well, I'm sorry to bother you

at home like this, Mr. Petrie,

but I got a couple of relatives in from Danville, Illinois,

and they're real fans of your show

and I was wondering if you can get me a couple of tickets

for next week's show.

Oh, yeah, no problem at all.

Hey, I think I've got a couple here in my billfold.

Yes, I have. There you are.

Well, that's awful nice of you.

Well, it's a pleasure to give an officer

a ticket for a change.

( LAUGHING )

It's a good thing

you don't have any tickets for tonight's show.

If he saw that, he would have locked up the cast

and confiscated the cameras.

Well, I guess show business

is like everything else,

you can't come up with a winner every week.

Look, it just so happens

we had a pretty good show tonight.

Hey, now wait a minute, Rob.

You know, you can get arrested for perjury.

MILLIE: Officer, don't listen to him.

It was a very nice show.

Laura and I loved it, didn't we, Laura?

Yes.

Oh, honey, Officer Bain here knows

that a wife can't testify against her husband.

No, but I can testify

that Dr. Helper sat through the whole show and laughed.

That's right, Officer. I'd like to report that.

They held me captive in their living room

and made me watch a bad TV show.

Now, is that considered a crime?

( LAUGHING ) I'm afraid not.

There aren't any laws to protect us

against bad TV shows yet.

So you're safe.

Thank you.

Well, thanks for the tickets, Mr. Petrie.

And I hope you come up with a good one next week.

Goodnight.

That's a smart Officer, huh?

And a good personality.

Jerry, do you know something?

Darling, would you serve the coffee, please?

Yes, dear.

I don't think Jerry deserves any coffee.

Oh, come on, honey. Just because I speak the truth?

You speak just to annoy.

ROB: Millie, would you pass that to Laura?

I keep telling him,

someday someone's not gonna know he's kidding.

ROB: Millie.

Thank you.

Coffee, Jerry? Oh, yeah, you bet.

If I were Rob, I'd pour that coffee right on his head.

Hey, now listen, don't give him any ideas.

Oww!

I'm sorry. you moved your cup and I--

It's all right, Rob.

It's all right. Just sit down.

I'm sorry.

It's all right. This won't help you, believe me.

Won't help what?

Pouring hot coffee on me will not silence my tongue.

The world will still hear my message,

"The Alan Brady Show" was rotten.

Have a little sugar, dear.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show."

( THEME MUSIC )

Ritchie, that's enough sugar.

I only used two.

I always use three spoons.

Two teaspoons full, dear.

That was a tablespoon.

Is there more sugar in a tablespoon

than there is in a teaspoon?

Ritchie, you knew that, didn't you?

Yes, but I didn't know you knew it.

Well, I do.

RITCHIE: We just learned it in school.

Oh, come in, Freddie.

How are you, dear?

Fine. Are you ready, Ritchie?

My Mommy's is driving us today.

He'll be ready in a minute, dear.

He's just finishing his cereal.

Would you like some?

Hot. Hot or cold?

Okay, I had cold.

Here we go.

You can have mine.

I've just fixed it. There you go.

Ritchie, you put sugar in yours.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Did you see "The Alan Brady Show" last night?

Yeah, mommy lets me stay up and watch it.

It was a rotten show, wasn't it?

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning, honey.

Mommy, was daddy's show rotten last night?

It was very good.

It was very good.

Why'd you ask your momma?

Didn't you see it?

It's too old for me.

I don't understand it.

Well, it was a rotten show.

Ha, ha, Freddie, ha, ha.

Well, why do you say it was a rotten show?

Didn't you like it?

I didn't see it.

Well, Freddie, if you didn't see it,

how do you know that it was a rotten show?

My daddy told me.

Ha, ha, I thought so.

His daddy told him.

How do you like that?

He's not only a dentist, now he's a critic.

Oh, Rob. don't let it upset you.

It's just Jerry's idea of a practical joke.

Well, that's some practical joke,

going around yelling

"The Alan Brady Show" last night was rotten.

You see, your daddy thought it was rotten too.

I did not. I thought it was a great show

and you can tell your father I said so too.

I'll tell him, I'll tell him!

Rob, you scared him.

Oh, uh, Freddie!

Well, honey, I didn't mean to scare him.

Ritchie, where are you going?

You didn't finish your cereal.

It was too sweet.

Well, it's late anyway.

Be sure and drink your milk when you get to school.

Okay.

Daddy, if anybody asks me at school,

should I tell them the show was good or rotten?

You tell 'em it was good.

Okay.

No, wait a minute, tell 'em it was great.

Bye, sweetie.

How do you like that, my own flesh and blood.

Oh, darling.

VINNY: Good morning.

Good morning, Vinny. Come on in.

Thank you.

Well, we got a special this week on cottage cheese

and I thought you'd want to take advantage of it.

LAURA: Good, I will.

VINNY: Yeah.

Hey, hiya there, Mr. Petrie.

Fine. fine.

How are you, Vinny?

Oh, okay. How's the show going?

Okay, I guess.

Yeah, I guess it must be kind of hard, huh?

Every week to put on a good show?

It's kind of hit and miss, isn't it?

Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah. Tell me, Mr. Petrie,

how does a big star like Alan Brady take it

when he has a bad one like last night?

What do you mean, a bad one like last night?

Well, you know, when you have a show

that the televiewing public don't think is so good.

Well, Vinny, didn't you like the show last night?

Oh, you can't go by me.

That wouldn't be fair.

Why not?

'Cause I didn't see it.

No, you see, I play pinochle with my brothers on sunday.

Vinny, if you didn't see the show,

how can you say it wasn't good?

Well, you know, you hear things, word of mouth.

Word of mouth?

Yeah, my customers tell me.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, well, actually,

the one and only word of mouth I've had so far on this show

was from your neighbor, you know, the dentist.

Dr. Jerry Helper.

Yeah, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh boy, that show last night must have been some catastrophe

when your own neighbor says it was rotten.

Yeah, I'm glad I played cards.

( LAUGHING ) I'll tell you something, Vinny, ha, ha.

That show last night was a great show

and you can use that for your word of mouth.

All right, all right.

Oh, I'm sorry, Vinny.

I didn't mean to shout at you.

Oh, that's all right, Mr. Petrie.

Dr. Helper said you'd be kind of touchy after a bad show.

There you are. Well, see you wednesday.

Bye, bye.

Bye.

Now, Jerry is going a little bit too far.

He's spreading it all over the neighborhood.

Rob, don't let it upset you.

You know it was a good show.

That's what upsets me.

We had a good show,

and he's broadcasting to the whole neighborhood

that we didn't.

You tell a lie often enough

and it begins to sound like the truth.

Next thing you know, I'll be out of a job.

Oh, Rob. ( DOORBELL RINGS )

I'll get it.

( ROB MUTTERING )

yes?

Singing message for robert petrie.

Singing mess-- well, I'm Robert Petrie.

♪ Robert Petrie wrote a show ♪

♪ Supposed to be funny ho ho ho ♪

♪ Look how far this man has gotten ♪

♪ Writing shows that are really rotten ♪

Signed, The Phantom Neighbor.

Thank you.

There's more.

Oh, there is?

♪ I'm only kidding.

Thank you very much.

Get outta here.

I heard.

Hi, dear.

Hi.

Did daddy come home yet, mommy?

No, he'll be home any minute now.

Dr. Helper just came home.

That's nice.

He's got a bandage on the tip of his nose.

Oh? That's nice.

Like this, Mommy.

Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that.

What happened?

He got a punch in the nose.

Somebody punched Jerry Helper in the nose?

Daddy did.

Who?

Daddy.

Who told you that?

Dr. Helper.

Honey, are you sure he said

Daddy punched him in the nose?

No, he said "Robert Petrie"

but that's Daddy, isn't it?

Yes, that's Daddy.

ROB: Hi, folks.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, Ritch.

Hey, what happened to you?

I'm playing broken nose.

Did you punch Dr. Helper in the nose?

What?

Well, who said that, Ritch?

Uh, Ritchie, I think it's time for bed, dear.

Go get your pajamas on.

But I want to hear

how Daddy punched Dr. Helper in the nose.

Well, Daddy didn't punch Dr. Helper

in the nose, did you, Daddy?

No, I didn't, Ritch.

He said you did.

Well, he was only joking.

Wasn't he, Daddy?

That's right. Dr. Helper's a big joker.

You go get your pajamas on, Ritch.

Okay.

Did you bring me anything?

Oh, no.

Wait a minute, here's a paper clip.

Yay!

Love that "yay."

He's a cute one, all right, isn't he?

Rob?

I didn't punch him in the nose.

Then why did he say you did?

Did he say I punched him in the nose?

According to Ritchie.

Well, I didn't.

You didn't? No.

I was sort of, like, hit him in the nose.

What's for dinner, honey?

What's the difference?

Rob, you didn't hit him?

Yup, accidentally.

Not that he didn't deserve a shot.

Boy, he sure had it coming to him.

Well, what happened?

Well, he called me to have lunch with him today

and I wanted to talk to him.

And we went to this restaurant.

You hit him in the restaurant?

Yeah. Accidentally,

and I must say I kind of enjoyed the experience.

What happened?

Well, this waitress that I know there

came over to the table

and said she saw the show last night

and she thought it was excellent.

And that's when old Jerry went to work.

What did he do?

He started playing district attorney.

He took the plates out of her hand,

put 'em on the table,

sat her down and cross-examined her.

He said, "Well, young lady, tell me,

you say you thought 'The Alan Brady Show' last night

was magnificent.

I see.

Now tell me, did you see 'Ben-Hur'?

Uh-huh? You did?

What did you think of 'Ben-Hur'?

Oh, magnificent, you say?

Would you say that 'The Alan Brady Show'

is as good as 'Ben-Hur'?

Oh, no?

Well, would you say that 'The Alan Brady Show'

was half as good as 'Ben-Hur'?

Oh no?

One quarter as good?

No? One eighth as good?

Ah-hah, one eighth, you say.

Then I contend that one eighth of magnificent is rotten."

He didn't. Oh, he did.

That's when you hit him?

That's when I wanted to hit him.

Boy, I'll tell you something.

I was mad enough to.

Honey, you know, there must have been 175 people

in that restaurant that heard him say

that "The Alan Brady Show" was rotten?

Well, how did you accidentally hit him?

Well, I was sitting down, he was standing up

and I wanted to get him out of there.

We hadn't even finished eating yet.

I called the waitress over, I said, "Check, please."

Aghh!

Oh, honey.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

What did I do?

Oh no, oh, my nose.

What's happened?

Daddy shot Mommy in the nose.

He did?

Rob, how could you?

It was an accident, Millie.

Are you sure?

No, I did it on purpose.

Mommy, Mommy!

Ritchie, go to bed.

Laura, are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine, Millie. Just leave me alone.

Daddy, why did you hit Mommy?

Go to bed!

Okay, okay, I'm going to bed.

No, Millie, I meant him, not--

She's gonna go to bed!

Honey, let me see.

You've got to get over there, Jerry.

Honey, I don't like to interfere

in other people's little marital spats.

It's not any little marital spat.

He punched her in the nose.

She was crying and he was shouting

and the whole family looked wild.

Why, even Ritchie had a bandage on his nose.

Oh, now, come on, Millie.

Use your head.

Rob wouldn't punch his wife in the nose.

Well, he punched you in the nose, didn't he?

Well, that's different,

I was kidding him about his television show.

When are you gonna learn

that kidding and teasing aren't fun?

Well, it is fun. I like it.

Well, you're the only one.

Now get over there and do something.

What'll I do?

Keep Rob from doing any more violence today.

Rob didn't do any violence.

Hitting you in the nose is violence.

Well, that was an accident.

An accident?

You told me he punched you in the nose on purpose.

Did I say that?

MILLIE: Yes, you did.

Well, I was only kidding, you know me.

Now, look, honey, this is the truth

and I'm not kidding.

Rob did punch me in the restaurant

but it was an accident.

Well, I don't believe you.

Two accidents in one day is no accident.

Now, you're a doctor.

Get over there and do something.

I think Rob is sick.

Honey, I'm a dentist, not a psychiatrist.

Well, never mind,

just get over there before he hurts Laura again.

All right.

Boy, you women, you sure like to over-dramatize.

Oh-oh, my nose, my nose.

What happened?

Only kidding.

Get out!

Oh, boy, I should have married Sam Weinstreiber.

Who's Sam Weinstreiber?

Out! Only kidding.

There we are.

Honey, how's that feel?

It feels fine.

Rob, I don't need a bandage this big,

it was only a scratch.

Yeah, it is kind of big.

Well, keep it on, honey, 'til I make you a smaller one.

While you're at it,

trim that fingernail of yours. It's a lethal weapon.

Yeah, I will, honey. I'm sorry.

Hey, am I forgiven?

Oh, sure.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

I'll trim it right now. I'll get it, honey.

Ow, ow, ow.

Darn, darn, darn it.

What do you want?

Nothing, i--

what are you doing with those scissors?

What am I doing with those scissors?

I was planning on cutting my throat with them,

that's what.

Ow!

Agh, agh!

Rob, just take it easy.

Take it easy.

Laura, call the hospital.

Get off my chest.

What have you done?

I'm doing what anybody would do.

You'll be all right, boy.

Rob, are you all right?

There's a pressing pain on my chest.

What's the pain feel like, boy?

Feels like a 180-pound dentist sitting on it.

That's all right. It's all right.

Jerry, will you please get off?

You'll be all right, you'll be all right.

Take it easy. Settle down. Calm down, boy.

You're just out of control tonight.

Jerry, please, look, listen to the tone of my voice.

Yes, I can hear it.

I'm fine. I can hear you.

I'm all right. Uh-huh.

The only problem I have right now is respiratory.

Now, will you please get off my lungs?

Your lungs?

Laura, will you tell him, I am all right?

Jerry, he's perfectly all right.

Well, what about your nose?

I was merely demonstrating to her

how I clipped you accidentally in the restaurant

and I clipped her the same way.

Well, I don't know.

Outside the door I heard all this noise and cussing

and I saw the scissors in your hand

and then your nose, I don't--

LAURA: He tripped over a toy.

Tripped over a toy?

Oh my goodness, what happened?

Nothing. Everything's fine.

On your advice, I slugged my best friend

and practically demolished him.

Don't shout at me, Jerry Helper.

I didn't tell you to demolish him.

I simply told you to-- You simply said for me to get over here...

He flipped and I didn't know about her nose

( WHISTLES )

What?

Since last night,

let's just look at what's happened.

Ooh.

You and your wife are screaming at one another.

You and I are barely speaking.

I have slugged my wife and my next door neighbor

in their respective noses.

I have received a very painful blow on the wrist,

a possible fracture of this rib and my neck.

Now, who do we have to blame for all of these disasters?

ALL: Him.

Me?

Yes, you.

Why?

'Cause, Jerry, you just took--

because of your criticism of my show, that's why.

How do you like that?

He's blaming all this on me just because I kidded him

about his television show being rotten.

LAURA: Jerry, that television show

happens to be Rob's livelihood.

That's right. Nobody likes to be kidded

about their work being rotten, Jerry.

It isn't funny.

How would you like it if I went around saying

"Jerry Helper's gold fillings turned green in my mouth.

He's a rotten dentist."

Hey, be quiet, will you, the door's open.

I got three patients on this block.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, gee.

ROB: Hey, everybody,

Jerry Helper is a rotten dentist.

Cut it out.

Is that funny?

No, it's not.

All right, then, Jerry, you see what I mean.

Jerry, I'm gonna have to tell you this,

you have been kidding me now for a lot of years

and you've been getting away with it

but I think you have about reached the point of no return.

You're really mad at me, huh?

Well, just put it this way, Jerry.

I don't care if our kids play together,

I don't care if our wives play together,

but I don't think you and I are gonna play together

unless you make an honest effort to stop the kidding.

I've said it.

I'm embarrassed about it but I said it.

Gee, I feel awful.

Well, you should.

I don't know what to say.

I guess you're all pretty sore at me, huh?

MILLIE AND LAURA: Yes.

Gee, I don't know what to say.

Well, why don't you try telling the truth?

Well.

Come on, tell 'em

what you really thought of last night's show.

Well...

Go on.

Excellent.

Now, that didn't hurt, did it?

A little bit.

Do you think you learned a lesson?

Yeah, I think so.

How about some coffee?

Yeah, I think we all need some, honey.

I'll help. Good.

Hey, Rob.

I want you to do me a favor.

Uh, what?

Give me a hit right on the arm.

Give you a hit in--what for?

You'll feel better and I'll feel better.

Oh, that's silly, Jerry, that's childish.

I'm not mad anymore.

Oh, yeah, yes, you are.

You hit me by accident this afternoon

but you really wanted to hit me now, didn't you?

I'll admit,

I wanted to give you a little punch today but i--

yeah, see, see? The unconscious gesture?

You really want to hit me. Go on, hit me.

Jerry, I don't want to.

Sure you do.

Go on, look, we'll never really be friends again

unless you get it out of your system.

Come on.

I'm not mad anymore, Jer.

Please, Rob, will you? Please, do it.

If not for your sake, then for mine, huh?

I can't do it.

The show was rotten.

Agh!

Do you feel better? Yeah.

So do I.

( INDISTINCT )

Okay.

Honey, would you bring the dessert in

from the kitchen?

Okay, honey.

JERRY: Hey, Rob.

Your shoelace is untied, you might trip.

Oh, Jerry, doggone it.

Ha, ha. caught you again. Just kidding.

Jerry, won't you ever learn?

Oh.

I don't know if I were Rob,

if I'd be so quick to forgive you.

I've been telling him about his kidding

and teasing for years,

and he just can't control himself.

Oh, now, come on, honey.

I'm not that bad.

Yes, you are.

Oh, honey, listen.

I know I went a little overboard with Rob

but some teasing is fun.

Don't you think so, Laura?

Well, Jerry, I don't like being teased.

Ah, here comes the dessert.

Hey, Rob, now look out for that truck.

You might trip.

Don't kid me again, Jerry.

JERRY: No, I'm not kidding you.

There's a truck right-- watch the truck, whoo!

( LAUGHTER )

Didn't you see that truck there on the floor?

No, I--oh.

Yeah, you knew that truck was there.

Well, Jerry, you'll never know, will you?