The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 1, Episode 15 - Where Did I Come From? - full transcript

I'm Dick Van Dyke.

Our show's on in a new time spot:

Right now.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Who's this, Daddy?

Oh, that's you, Ritch, when you were two weeks old.

I was bald.

He, heh, you sure were.

Daddy?

Hmm?

Where did I come from?



What did you say, Ritch?

I said, "where did I come from?"

Oh, ha, well, ha, ha, ha.

That's what I thought you said but, honey,

did you hear what Ritchie just asked?

Yes, I heard, darling.

Where did I come from, Daddy?

Well, Ritch, that's kind of complicated.

I don't think we have time to go into it right now.

When will we have the time?

Well, I don't know.

Honey, when do you think we might have the time?

Well, darling, I think we have the time.

After all, Ritchie doesn't have to go to bed



for another half hour or so.

Ritchie, you're not too sleepy now, are you?

No, I want to hear where I came from.

Well, let's see.

First off, oh, uh, where's Dr. Spock?

Ritch, where do you think you came from?

Same place Granny Helper did.

New Jersey.

New Jersey?

He's not ready for this.

Ritch, you didn't come from New Jersey.

You came from New York, don't you remember that?

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

But I remember about the laundry truck.

The laundry truck?

How did you know about that?

Daddy told me.

You liked that?

I must have told him that when he was four years old.

I didn't think you'd remember that.

You said the laundry man brought me.

Is that what modern daddies tell their children

about the facts of life?

I think you got the story a little mixed up, Ritch.

Tell me the story, Daddy, about the laundry truck.

Well, actually the laundry truck

doesn't come into the story until the day you were born.

Yeah, that's the story I want to hear,

about the day I was born.

Oh, that was a pretty exciting 24 hours.

Were you there, Mommy?

I was there.

Good.

Well, Mommy and I, we went to bed that night.

We were kind of expecting you might be born just that night

so we were lying in bed, reading,

and wondering when you were gonna be born.

Honey, how do you feel?

Fine.

You sure?

I'm sure.

You're not just saying that?

Rob, why would I just say that?

I know you, you don't want me to worry.

Honey, will you relax?

I'm trying to read.

Honey, how can you read when

you know you might be a mother any minute?

Honey, I'm not gonna be a mother any minute.

Look, I was with you when your doctor said

it could be any day now.

He said "any day," not "any minute."

Yeah, well, hey, that was three days ago.

Don't you feel anything funny?

I do feel something.

Funny?

No.

I feel you're gonna have a nervous breakdown

if you don't relax and go to sleep.

Now relax.

I'm relaxed, I'm relaxed.

Well, you don't look it.

Believe me, darling,

the best thing you can do for me is to go to sleep.

I'll call you if anything happens.

All right, honey. I'll try to get some sleep.

You call me if anything happens.

Who else would I call?

I had a cousin called a cab.

She didn't want to disturb her husband.

I promise I'll disturb you. Now go to sleep.

Okay, honey.

Honey?

Hm?

Give me one of those.

I'll do that.

Honey, what are you reading?

What to do before the doctor comes.

What are you reading that for?

You expect something to happen before the doctor comes?

No, Rob.

I'm just reading to get sleepy.

Honey, you never have any trouble getting to sleep.

Why can't you go to sleep?

Because I'm married to the noisiest husband

in New York State.

Honey!

Sorry, honey. I'm just trying to--

I'll call a cab.

All right, all right.

You won't hear another word out of me

unless you call me, all right?

All right.

Oh dear.

What's the matter? What?

What?

You said, "Oh dear."

I was just sighing.

Well, honey, at a time like this,

don't sigh unless you really mean it.

I'll try not to.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

( SIGHING )

( ALARM CLOCK RINGING )

It's time!

Honey!

I am perfectly all--

I'll get the car. I'll call the hospital.

Rob, I am perfectly all right.

I just dropped the alarm clock.

You don't feel anything funny?

No. Look at you.

In your suit again.

Rob, take those clothes off and go to sleep.

Now, just never mind about the suit.

Doctor says, "Any day now, any day now,"

probably a week before--

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Jerry, would you please get off the extension, honey,

I want to make a quick call to Laura and see how she is.

Thank you.

( PHONE RINGING )

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Laura? Laura, honey. She took a cab.

Hey, what happened? Are you all right?

Rob, I'm fine.

Oh, honey, why didn't you wake me up?

Now, don't-- just keep calm.

I'll be down to the hospital in 20 minutes.

Hospital? Rob?

Oh, Millie, is that you?

Oh, good. Is the doctor there yet?

No, there's no doctor here.

Oh, well, he should be. What's the matter with him?

He should be there. Where is he?

Rob, will you get a hold of yourself?

Honey, just keep calm.

I'm leaving the house right now.

Now, Millie, you stay there with her.

Rob, I'm not with her.

You're--Millie!

How could you leave her alone in a strange hospital?

Rob!

Will you listen to me for one moment?

I am not in the hospital.

Where are you, honey?

I'm in the kitchen.

In the kitch--

What are you doing in the kitchen?

Boiling some water.

Boiling wa-- oh, my god.

What a woman!

Rob!

Laura, what's all that screaming?

It's just Rob, Millie.

( CRASHING )

He's on his way to the kitchen.

Honey, I'm just boiling water for eggs.

Well, what-- What are you boiling egg water

at a time like this for?

Laura, what's going on?

What's Rob screaming about boiling eggs?

Laura, are you all right?

Millie, I'm fine.

Rob's just a little nervous and upset this morning.

Listen, I'll call you later. Bye, bye.

Honey, don't ever do that to me again.

What did I do?

Well, call me from the kitchen about boiling water.

Rob, I didn't call you.

Millie called me.

Well, whoever did it, shouldn't have.

You're not making any sense this morning.

I didn't get much sleep last night.

Why not?

I was watching you.

Why were you watching me?

Well, you know what a sound sleeper you are.

I was afraid something might happen

and you'd sleep through it.

You were gonna wake me in case it did?

I know it sounds crazy

but that's the way my mind works.

How much sleep did you get last night?

I'm all right, honey. I don't need much.

I got a little sleep this morning.

What time did you get to sleep?

Oh, about ten to eight.

What time is it now?

It's 8 o'clock.

Good, I'll go right down to the office.

Ten minutes' sleep.

Fifth floor, please. "Alan Brady Show."

Did you really sleep with your clothes on, Daddy?

Well--

Yes, he did, Ritch.

You see, when the time came for you to be born,

Daddy wanted to make sure he was ready

to drive me to the hospital.

But Daddy didn't drive you that night.

No, I didn't that night,

the next night or the next night.

The time didn't come?

No, it didn't.

RITCHIE: did you sleep with your lothes on every night, Daddy?

Yes, he did.

Did you sleep with your clothes on too, Mommy?

No, Ritch.

Didn't you want to drive with Daddy to the hospital

to see me get born?

Ritch,

you couldn't have been born without mommy being there.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Now tell me about the laundry truck.

Ha, ha, oh, yeah, the laundry truck.

Well, about three days later, I was having breakfast.

In the laundry truck?

No, in the kitchen.

( LAUGHING )

Me too?

No, you weren't born yet.

Oh.

Well, anyway, I was sitting at the breakfast table

wondering if I'd ever be a Daddy,

fixing a piece of toast

I really didn't feel like eating.

Good morning, dear.

Honey, what are you doing with those clothes?

I'm sending them to the cleaners

if you're gonna continue to sleep in them.

Well, you're not supposed to carry heavy things around.

Oh, Rob, I'm perfectly strong and healthy.

You sit down and finish your breakfast.

You'll be late for the office.

Honey, I'm not going to the office today.

The doctor said it could be any day now,

and I got a funny feeling

that today's gonna be that "any day."

Well, I don't have a feeling

so until I do, you might as well go to work.

( KNOCKING ON DOOR )

Come in.

Hi, Millie. coffee?

Yes, please.

Rob, did you know you forgot to turn off your car motor?

Oh, did I?

I was just coming back from driving Jerry to the station,

and I saw the smoke coming out of the exhaust.

Rob, was that motor running all night long?

No, of course it wasn't running all night long.

It's just been running since 6:30 this morning.

You started the car up at 6:30?

Well, about 6 o'clock,

you started making a lot of funny noises

in your sleep, and I wanted to be ready.

Millie, did you ever hear anything so ridiculous?

Yes, I have.

You know what Jerry did for one full week

before Ellen was born?

LAURA: What?

That fool slept with all his clothes on.

Where do you think I got the idea?

I did it for you, honey.

Rob, if you really want to do something for me,

you'll go to work.

What if something happens?

I'll call you at the office.

You'd have plenty of time to get home.

Rob, this is your first baby and, as a rule,

first babies don't get born in a rush.

Well, suppose this baby doesn't know the rules?

Honey, in any event, Millie could drive me.

MILLIE: Sure.

Millie drive you to the hospital?

Yeah, what's wrong with that?

Well, it sounds kind of strange to me.

One expectant mother

driving another expectant mother to the hospital.

Doesn't seem right.

Rob, go to work.

Yeah.

All right.

Where's my jacket?

Which one?

The one that goes with these pants.

Oh, honey, I put it in that bundle of clothes.

I was gonna send it to the cleaners.

Honey, it was the least wrinkled one I had of all.

I only slept in it one night.

I'm sorry. It looks terrible.

Oh, it's all right, honey. Don't worry.

Look, you don't worry about anything

but having that baby, okay?

All right.

All right.

You go to the office and write a funny show.

Okay.

And don't worry about your wife.

I'll stay here all day.

Oh, Mill, I really appreciate it, honest.

Bye. Bye.

Rob, what are you looking for?

My hat and coat.

You put the bundle of clothes on them.

Oh, that's right.

LAURA: Rob, for your sake, I hope this baby comes soon.

So do I.

When we call the doctor, he keeps saying,

"any day, any day, any day," and nothing ever happens.

Bye, honey.

Who'd I just kiss?

Me.

Oh, Millie, I'm sorry.

That's all right.

It's okay. bye, honey.

I'll call you the minute anything happens.

I really didn't feel like going to work that day, Ritch.

Where were you working, Daddy?

Well, the same place we work now,

only we were in a different office.

I really wanted to stay home with mommy

but I was so nervous I kept making mommy nervous

so mommy suggested I go down to the office

where I could get a little peace and quiet.

Boy, was she wrong.

RITCHIE: You didn't get any peace and quiet, Daddy?

No. I lost my pants and got a black eye.

Boy, that's one day I should have stayed home.

Oh, hi, Rob. Any news?

Hey, where's the cigars, Daddy?

No cigars yet.

I'm beginning to think I'm never gonna pass out any cigars.

Oh, I got a feeling you'll be a father

before the day is out.

Why do you say that? You hear something?

Oh, calm down, Rob. How could I hear anything?

Nobody phoned?

Nobody phoned.

You're gonna iron these clothes?

You look like the best-dressed man at the city dump.

What's the matter? I've never seen you so jumpy.

Or so wrinkled.

You look like you slept in a box of prunes.

I guess I do look pretty sloppy, don't i?

Wow!

Oh, I don't know, I think you look kind of cute.

However, I don't think our boss, Alan Brady,

will appreciate your formal attire

at the conference this afternoon.

Have we got a staff conference today?

We have one every Thursday.

Oh, my gosh, is this Thursday?

That's the rumor.

I can't wear this to the meeting.

Sure you can.

Sally and I will wrinkle up

and we'll go as a three-piece set.

What am I gonna do?

Well, we could call the cleaners

and see if they can take out the curls.

Hey, that's a good idea, sal.

And ask 'em how fast I can get it, will you?

Well, they have a 20-minute service.

If we rush it, we can get it back in an hour.

Oh, good. Sal, turn your head.

Which way?

That way!

Hey, sal. While you're at it,

have 'em bring him a pair of shoes.

This nut's still got his bedroom slippers on.

Oh, my gosh.

Rob.

Oh, a funny thing come up out of the ground

after the rain.

Rob, what on earth do you think you're doing?

I think he's taking his pants off.

What do you think?

Would you send someone up

to the writer's room of "The Alan Brady Show"?

Yeah, we have a single-breasted accordion

that needs straightening out.

Aw, come on, Sal. I'm in a hurry.

Oh, listen, we at least got to get an estimate.

We'll go as high as a buck and a quarter.

Sally, come on.

I need that for the staff meeting

and who knows what else I may need it for.

All right, I'm only kidding. Send someone up.

We need a suit pressed, please. Thank you.

Look at the way this guy is shaking.

You could make a vibrator nervous.

Look, look, I hate to interrupt all this.

Well, then, get out of here.

Rob, we've got a problem on this week's show.

I want to talk to you about it.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mel. What is it?

In the third act, you--

all right, coffee time.

Coffee time.

Can't you watch where I'm going?

Hey, where'd you steal a locomotive?

Ha, ha, that's good. Do you want some coffee?

Yeah, I think I will.

And how about Rob? He could use some. Okay.

Yeah, black, Willie.

Yeah, Willie, I'll have some tea.

You got it.

Rob, why do you let him bring his wagon in here?

How else can I show my stock?

You want a nice fresh doughnut or a cruller?

No thanks.

How about a nice piece of cheese danish?

Prune danish, apple, almond paste,

bear claws, bowties, honey buns,

bran muffin, corn muffin,

plain butter cookies?

Have you any tapioca pudding?

Not today.

How about some rice pudding?

Oh, good.

Not today.

Will you please have him serve the coffee and go?

Please, Willie, will you serve the coffee and go?

What's the matter, Mr. Cooley?

Can't stand to see me make a buck?

Here's a buck. Go!

I'm going, I'm go--

Hey, did I say apple, blueberry and cherry turnovers?

Yes, you did.

No, he didn't.

I didn't think I did.

Why do you say I did when I didn't?

He don't like me.

He don't like anybody.

Hey, where's my coffee?

I only got two hands.

Will you please serve the coffee and go?

We've got work to do.

What do you think this is? A hobby or something?

All right. Last chance, last chance.

Who wants a turnover?

I got three bear claws.

You got three bear claws?

Yeah.

Have you seen a doctor?

Fast and friendly service.

Who's got the suit to go?

Oh, will you give that to him ( INDISTINCT ).

Watch out!

I'm sorry.

Watch out. The pastry.

They got health laws in this state.

My goodness. I never saw anything.

Hey, that's a nice piece of material.

Is it a readymade?

Yes, it is. Willie, will you pass it over to the boy--

in case you want to get rid of it--

boy, would you get it right back?

I need it very badly.

What did you do, sleep in this thing?

Yes, I did. Will you please go?

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You gonna buy something? How about a danish pastry?

How much?

Press the pants!

I'm going, I'm going.

Ah, it's hot.

Now are you all finished with your own personal little doings?

No.

I ain't had an answer on my turnovers yet.

I'll take one. Now, will you go? ( PHONE RINGING )

my pleasure.

No, mine.

Yeah, he's here. Hey, Rob, it's your wife.

I think this is it.

Oh, hand me the phone.

Watch out!

The danish. They have health laws.

I'm sorry. I'll pay for it all.

You're gonna pay for it?

I'll pay for it.

Walk on 'em.

Rob, here's the phone.

Oh! Whoo!

You want a piece of ice?

No thanks, Willie.

Hey, hey, meat is good for that.

I got a beef ( INDISTINCT )

No thank you. Nothing.

Hey, Laura?

LAURA: What happened? Are you all right?

Nothing. I'm all right, honey, I'm fine.

I got hit in the head with the phone.

How are you?

Well, I don't know.

I just called the doctor and he said I've plenty of time,

but I should start getting ready to go to the hospital.

Oh, my gosh.

Honey, keep calm, keep calm, honey.

Just don't panic.

There's nothing to get excited about.

Honey, I'm coming home.

I'll be home--no, wait.

You'll wait for me?

No, you better not wait.

Wait for me if you can.

If you can't wait for me, don't wait for me.

I want to be with you, honey.

Oh, I love you. This is it, gang.

Hey, rob!

Huh?

Didn't you forget something?

Oh, hang it up for me, will you, buddy?

Rob!

Huh?

Your suit.

I can pick it up tomorrow.

You can't run around new york with your pants off.

Ah! Mel, give me your pants.

I really need my pants today.

I'm having lunch with a sponsor.

Buddy?

I would, but they'd never fit you.

I don't care what I look like,

I just don't want to be arrested.

Come on, buddy. Oh, all right.

Hey, wait a minute,

isn't anybody ask me to turn around?

Yeah, turn around.

Ta-da!

Nice legs for a man.

I'll help you.

( INDISTINCT ) you guys.

I don't need any help.

I used to be a tailor.

I don't care. I don't need it.

I'll take the cuffs down, it'll fit him beautifully.

Hurry, I don't want 'em altered.

Just give me the pants, will you?

Just trying to help.

Sally, sally?

What do you want me to do about the conference?

What do you want, Rob?

Call a cab, have it go to my house and wait.

Well, aren't you driving?

Yeah, but I just want some insurance

against a flat tire.

Turn your pants inside out. You got 'em all cock-eyed.

I'll put 'em on in the elevator.

Take it easy.

( EVERYONE TALKING OVER EACH OTHER )

I've only got two hands.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

Come in.

Laura, I put my car in your driveway.

Don't you think we ought to get started?

No. Well, let's wait a few more minutes, Millie.

I feel pretty well and I want Rob to be with me.

( CAR PULLING UP )

Oh, maybe that's him. Would you go see?

It's not Rob.

Is this the house that ordered the taxi?

No, we didn't.

Oh, maybe Rob did as a precaution.

I think my husband did.

He should be here in a few minutes.

Would you mind waiting?

Listen, if you can wait, I can wait.

I got my cab out in the driveway when you're ready.

Thank you.

Laura, I'm getting nervous.

Don't you think we just ought to hop in the cab

and drive down to the hospital?

No, Millie, let's wait five more minutes.

I want Rob to be here,

and I know he will as soon as he can.

( CAR APPROACHING )

That sounds like him.

TAXI DRIVER: Hey, look out!

( TIRES SCREECHING )

( CRASHING )

Oh, my goodness.

Sounds like Rob ran into the taxi, if it was Rob.

It was Rob.

Honey, honey.

Honey, never-- What's the matter with you?

Are you all right? What are those pants?

Never mind my pants, honey.

Come on, let's go.

Well, Rob. You can't go, mister.

Oh, mister.

I'm gonna drive my wife myself.

You and me and the car, in front of us all,

locked bumpers when you knocked into me.

Well, can't we unlock 'em?

You've got to have a lot of help for that.

They're, like, welded together.

Oh my gosh.

I'll have to-- I know, Millie?

Millie, call any of the neighbors

and ask them if-- no, no.

I'll do it.

Can I use your phone?

No, I'll use ours. Where is it?

It's over there.

What's their number?

Whose?

Anybody's.

Rob, calm down. We have plenty of time.

Honey. I want you to sit down.

Don't stand up. Sit down.

Oh, Rob.

That's it.

Hello, operator.

Operator, my wife's having a baby.

Hey, wait a minute, give me the police.

Rob, why don't you just call another taxi?

Yeah, let me call my company.

We'll have another cab here in five minutes.

Yeah, Rob, there's not gonna be any company--

Oh, don't hang up.

Hello? Oh, police?

Oh, I thought I lost you.

Listen, officer, my wife's having a baby

and there's three cars in my driveway

all welded together.

No, wait, forget that.

Send a squad car here right away. Good.

Our troubles are over, honey.

Rob? A squad car's coming right down here any minute now

Rob? What's the matter?

You didn't give them our address.

I did--Oh, my gosh!

CHARLIE: Laundry!

Hi, Miss Helper, hi, Miss Petrie.

Got any shirts to go?

Right over there, Charlie.

Good.

Oh, put down that laundry, Charlie.

Uh, what for?

My wife's having a baby.

You're gonna drive us to the hospital?

I am? Oh, good, good, yes.

Honey, you don't mind going in a laundry truck, do you?

No, as long as you're with me, darling.

This is very nice of you.

Oh, that's all right.

You know our motto, "We pick up and deliver."

Don't worry about the cab, mister.

Just have a nice baby.

Thank you.

Was I born in the laundry truck, Daddy?

No , you were a good boy.

You waited 'til we got to the hospital.

Oh, yeah, I remember.

You do?

Yeah.

That's a good story, Daddy.

You like that story, yeah?

Yeah.

Do you like it, Mommy?

I love it.

Better than "Black Beauty"?

Better than "Black Beauty," yes.

Which part did you like best, Mommy?

The part where I woke up in my bed in the hospital,

and you were lying there next to me, so tiny and cute.

And Daddy was looking down at both of us,

smiling so hard he looked like he'd bust.

Yeah, I like that part.

But there's a part I like better.

What part's that?

Where you got a black eye and lost your pants.

( LAUGHING )

That's a pretty funny story.

Yeah, tell me that part again, Daddy.

Oh, okay.

Mom and I were lying in bed and reading--

( music playing )