The Dessert (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Gavels, Ghosts & Ribs - full transcript
A Day at the Zoo. Swear Court. Dinner at the Boss's. Yipp Kart. Home Videos. My Ghost Roommate and Me. Sassy Twitter. Turner Tonight. Graduation Day. Mommy Feeds Baby.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
you've seen the evidence,
heard all the testimony.
It should now be clear
beyond a shadow of a doubt
that that guy...
fuckin' did it!
- Fuck you!
- Oh, come.
- Obviously!
- Obviously, he fucking didn't!
He fucking did it, and
everybody fucking knows it!
- Your Honour, what the fuck?
Okay, knock it the fuck off.
This is horseshit.
That's what this is.
-Okay, where was I? Right.
- This guy's guilty as fuck!
- Fuck this shit, come on!
-Are you seriously saying yo?
Are you that fucking silly?
First of all, he
didn't fucking do it.
Second of all,
you're fucking silly,
- you stupid piece of shit!
Order, order! I said
to shut the fuck up!
Look at that prick over
there! I didn't do shit!
- Shut the fuck up!
He's fucking angry.
You'll get your
chance, dickhead.
Now, can I fucking
finish? Please?
Go ahead.
Goddamn motherfucker.
- I gotta go take a shit.
- Okay.
Thank you. Now where was I?
Right...
This guy eats his own dick.
- Fuck you!
- Fuck me? Fuck you!
Fuck you, you fucking goblin.
Aah, that's so mean! Fuck you!
-Fuck you! I hope
you fucking die!
Enough, enough, enough!
What is all this,
f-this, f-that?
Is this supposed to be funny o?
'Cause it's not, I assure you.
I am on trial for my life.
Is it too much to ask
for just a little bit
of professionalism here?
Please?
Whoa... where's this
fucking guy been?
I told you. Didn't
I fucking tell you?
-This fucking guy rules.
- The balls!
- Next time, fucking listen!
Well, okay!
Judge, drop all the
fucking charges.
There's no way this
fucking guy did it.
- Halle-fucking-lujah!
I think I clogged
the fucking toilet.
Now I gotta take a shit!
Hey, hi!
Hi, uh, have you
heard of YippKart?
- Excuse me?
- YippKart?
- YippCar?
- Kart.
- Cart?
- Yes, YippKart.
No, I don't think
I have, actually.
-Oh, YippKart is this
super-cool new app
which is the quickest way
to order groceries online.
Just enter this promo code here
for 10% off your first order.
Yes, I'll do this.
-But if you really
think about it,
you're getting 10%
off your groceries
while getting it
delivered to your front...
Wait... really?
Yeah, I mean, I have to
get groceries anyways,
might as well get
10% off, right?
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh, wow! This is amazing!
Seriously, you will?
Because...
they'll hurt me if you don't.
Yes, I-I'll use it. I mean it.
I'm serious. They Home Aloned
the last employee that
didn't meet their quota.
I'm talking paint cans to
the face, to the crotch,
Micro Machines, the works.
Oh, um...
Maybe I shouldn't
get involved...?
No, no, no, no, no, no,
you have to, you have to!
- Please.
- Okay, I will.
Look what they've done already.
Oh my God.
God? God?!
What kind of god would
let this happen to me?!
Okay, well, fine. I'll
use the promo code, then.
You promise? You
have to promise.
- I will.
- YippKart promise.
Yeah...
Promise.
You get him to use
your promo code
to get 10% off his first
order on the YippKart app?
Yes, yes, I-I swear!
She telling the truth?
- She is.
- You sure?
You don't seem sure...
I'm sure. I'll use it.
I actually think you're
really gonna enjoy this app.
It's such a great deal. I
think you're gonna love it.
Me too.
Hey, don't forget,
dinner at my house tonight.
Tell Judy to save room
for my famous ribs.
Oh, she'll have plenty of room!
We're looking forward to it.
Oh, and...
don't eat too much.
Our toilets don't work.
What do you mean?
Yeah...
Bring a shit bag.
I'll see you two later.
You're so fucked, Johnson.
No shits? Good luck.
You might as well go
to the bathroom now
and try to get it all out.
Hey, sweety.
Babe, I'm freaking out
about dinner tonight.
Why?
Dinner at your
boss's should be fun.
- The toilets work, right?
- No.
- That's the problem.
- Oh.
Well, I better just
take a shit now, then.
Yeah, that's
what I'm trying to do.
But guess what? I
can't shit right now.
Well, I just flushed mine,
so I'm good for the night.
Don't force it.
You'll be fine.
You've gone 2.5 days
without shitting before.
- Just bring a shit bag.
- Really?
You don't think
that'll be weird?
Not at all. You're
too self-conscious.
Says the woman who
just took a shit.
What? I'm still bringing mine.
Yeah, you're right.
Bring one for me, too.
Okay. Love you.
I can't wait for
those applewood-smoked ribs.
Yeah, I can already taste them.
- Ugh!
Hey, hey! Whoa,
somebody overpacked!
What, are you staying here
for the week or something?
- Johnson!
Sorry.
Here comes the shit...
- That's disgusting.
Darlene, thank you so much
again for such a yummy lunch.
She doesn't miss. Just
like when I was a kid.
Hmm! Thanks, you two.
Speaking of when Todd was a kid,
I was cleaning out the
garage the other day
and I found these
old VHS tapes of him
- when he was a little boy!
- Oh!
Mom, you're embarrassing me!
This is too fun!
I want to see little
Todd as a kid!
Alright, alright.
You win, again.
Let the embarrassment begin.
It'll be cute!
We haven't seen these in years.
- Oh!
Hey, I'm Todd, and
welcome to my tea party.
Oh my God, this is way too cute.
I need some more sugar.
Ohh, remember that tea set?
How could I forget?
Best imaginary tea
in the neighbourhood.
Oh, hi.
My lady, could I interest
you in a spot of tea?
Sir, a spot.
Wow, I haven't
seen Crystal in years.
You two were the cutest
little couple on the block.
- We were cuties.
Whatever.
If I could give
you all the tea in the world,
- I would, my lady.
- You're too kind.
That's so stupid.
- You okay?
- I'm fine.
And I don't give a shit
about Crystal, so...
Maybe we should shut this off.
No, no, no, I'm
just messing around.
I wanna see more
of cute widdle Todd
and cute widdle Cwystal.
How much
would it cost me
for all the tea in
the world, fine sir?
For
you, my lady, fwee.
- Oh, come on!
Calm down.
You have never liked
me from the start.
And you knew that
pulling up this video
of Todd and his ex-girlfriend
would be the exact kind of
thing to drive us apart.
Well, guess what?
It worked.
- I'm leaving.
- Babe...
Goodbye...
fine sir!
Hey, it was 20 years ago
and she meant nothing!
Wow.
- Wait, you know I would never...
- Oh, Mom, I know.
Trust me. That was just...
I don't know what
that was, actually.
I'm sorry.
Cwystal, have you
met my new mommy?
I will love her fowever.
She's more beautiful
than your real mom.
What the fuck, Todd?!
- Hey, Ghost, what gives?
I was getting ready for
my sexy date tonight.
And I turned on
the faucet and blood came out!
You wouldn't happen to know a?
Oh, F off! Cold again!
I told you,
Ghost, you gotta knock it off!
"If I wanted cold fries,
"I would have ordered
them to the North Pole.
"Never ordering from
you dorkholes again."
If our super fot
in here, we'd both be out
on our keisters, meester!
I am nowhere.
I exist
outside of your reality.
I love sassy brand
Twitter. It's so good.
I mean it, Ghost.
No more pranks or you're
gonna be in serious trouble!
Capeesh?
I have seen
beyond the pale of eternity.
I have passed through the fabric
that connects time
and the infinite.
I have laid witness to all...
"Hey, you little dough
boy, you pudgy little hog,
"your Tweet sent me flying
off the fucking rails.
"If I could, I
would shove your p
"and I would keep going
until you dropped dead."
Jesus Christ!
Okay, I'm blocking this account.
Is
that it, Ghost?
Is that what you're
trying to tell me?
Hello?
How
would you like it
- if I put you in the ground?
- What?
Did I stutter?
What if I committed
arson on your apartment
with you still in it,
you little warthog?
- Hendy's?
Well, I
guess that means you know
whether or not I'm
gonna score tonight.
Come
on, gimme a hand.
First base, second...?
No, wait, don't
tell me, third, isn't it?
- Or do I hit a home run?
- Hello?
Can I help you?
Hey, what are you doing?!
This is my house!
Hey, get off!
You just gave me a noogie!
Sorry about that.
We're trying to make the list
of the sassiest Twitter brands
of 2023.
Um...
Um... Here you go.
Sorry again.
We good?
-So what are your
benefits like for this?
-Mm, not bad. Hey, can
I use your shit bag?
It's been 2.5 days...
A little
over-the-pants action
- and she never calls you back!
-Ghost!
-Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go scare the crap
out of Old Man Carruthers.
Don't you dare or...
you're a dead man.
Welcome back!
Coming up a little bit later,
the woman behind the viral
basketball rap video that's
got everybody talking is here.
Quinn, you see this thing yet?
It's great! It's time
for our first guest.
You know him from movies like
"Best in Show," "Like Mike,"
and "American Pie,"
and most recently
the Emmy Award-winning
series "Schitt's Creek."
Ladies and gentlemen,
Eugene Levy.
You know this one...
Eugene, you look great.
You somehow get more successful
and better-looking
the older you get.
Why, thank you, Turner,
you're too kind.
We have a lot to talk about,
so let's get right into it.
What have you been up to lately?
Turner, your producers told
me there wouldn't be any
- hardballs tonight.
Yeah, but anyway,
after Schitt's,
I decided I needed
a little break.
I don't blame ya.
I'm the same way.
I set 'em up, you
knock 'em down.
But seriously, I've been
spending a lot of my free time
with my close friends, Steve
Martin, Martin Short...
anyone with the name
"Martin" in it, basically.
I guess that's it
for my questions!
Anyway, uh, I guess we should
talk about your new project,
unless that's
something that you...
- Cat got your tongue, Turner?
Did you... drop
something, Eugene?
Oh. Well...
Looks like I'm
straight tripping, Boo!
- Ahh...
These things don't stay
on like they used to.
Sorry, folks. This is
extremely embarrassing,
but for some inexplicable reason
this man is not the
real Eugene Levy.
Oh, Turner, you're starting
to sound like my son, Jim,
- from "American Pie."
Regardless, you're gonna
have to leave the set, sir.
I know you don't
know me well, but...
the Eug doesn't leave the stage.
Okay. Security?
Stop this!
Stop this, everyone!
He may wear fake eyebrows,
but I swear on my fucking life
that that man is Eugene Levy.
Who are you?
Steve...
Martin.
Case closed.
As your valedictorian, I
look out today at the faces
of my fellow graduates
and I can see...
I... I, um, I hope we...
I'm sorry. Um...
Hey, Jeremy!
You got this!
Phew, okay.
It's my hope that we continue
to believe in each other
and ourselves.
But what does that mean,
to believe in yourself?
As you all know, ten years
ago, when I had my accident,
my doctor said I would
never walk again,
- but then...
No, I didn't!
Dr. Hong?
Jeremy, I did not,
nor would I ever,
tell a patient that
they'd never walk again.
I simply gave you the facts and
stated that a small percentage
of people will regain
bipedal mobility,
albeit with a limited capacity.
Geez, I...
I guess you're right.
I know I am, because
stretching the truth
is just as bad as lying.
That's
something only losers do,
isn't it, Dr. Hong?
That is correct.
Because the truth is...
Winners never lie!
Hong, that was terrific!
Geez, my muscles were supposed
to be much bigger than that!
You two are the
best fucking friends
in the whole goddamn world.
Thanks, Steve Martin.
- Mm-mm!
- You're not getting it in.
- We got this.
- We got this, man.
Mm-mm!
Ooh...
- Ugh!
- It's alright.
Alright, alright!
Good game, guys.
Oh, thanks, Katie.
Always a pleasure
kicking your ass.
Okay, okay, what do you
guys want to play next?
I'm so tired of
losing at Beer Pong.
Oh, uh, Flip Cup?
Ooh, Truth or Dare?
- Never Have I Ever?
- Mommy Feeds Baby.
Who is that?
That's
Rory's older brother.
Rory, come
back to the party!
Wait, what?
-Mommy Feeds Baby. Maybe
we should play that game.
Yeah, yeah, we heard
you, but what is that?
Come with me.
No.
No, guys, no way.
Let's... Come on!
Fuck!
Okay,
so you're telling me
no one's heard of
Mommy Feeds Baby?
-No one here has ever
heard of Mommy Feeds Baby.
Okay, fine.
So who wants to be Mommy?
Fine, I'll be the
mommy, I guess.
First, you have to
pick out your baby.
Same as they do at the hospital.
But that's not what
they do at the hospital.
Oh, I'm sorry, do you know
how to play the game, or do I?
Okay, so now pick your baby.
Um...
Teddy's my baby.
-Okay, so you can do it.
It's not that hard, see?
Okay, Teddy, come on up.
Okay...
- You sit down.
- Me?
- Yeah.
- Now what?
Okay, now you climb onto
Mommy's lap and she feeds you
beer like a bottle till
you have an accident.
What?! No, no way!
She's obviously gonna
change you afterward, dude.
- Calm down!
- Let's... let's just
- play something else.
- No, you're doing it wrong.
Babies don't talk. They
just eat, sleep, and piss.
Hey, say, "Goo-goo ga-ga!"
Okay, okay, get the
hell outta here, man.
You gotta go.
We didn't even
play the game yet!
Nobody wants to play
your weird perv game!
But being the Mommy
is the best part!
- Go home, dude!
- Get out!
Fuck off, Rory's brother!
That's your friend.
- W!
You guys were in
the washroom together!
You invited him!
I need a drink.
of the jury,
you've seen the evidence,
heard all the testimony.
It should now be clear
beyond a shadow of a doubt
that that guy...
fuckin' did it!
- Fuck you!
- Oh, come.
- Obviously!
- Obviously, he fucking didn't!
He fucking did it, and
everybody fucking knows it!
- Your Honour, what the fuck?
Okay, knock it the fuck off.
This is horseshit.
That's what this is.
-Okay, where was I? Right.
- This guy's guilty as fuck!
- Fuck this shit, come on!
-Are you seriously saying yo?
Are you that fucking silly?
First of all, he
didn't fucking do it.
Second of all,
you're fucking silly,
- you stupid piece of shit!
Order, order! I said
to shut the fuck up!
Look at that prick over
there! I didn't do shit!
- Shut the fuck up!
He's fucking angry.
You'll get your
chance, dickhead.
Now, can I fucking
finish? Please?
Go ahead.
Goddamn motherfucker.
- I gotta go take a shit.
- Okay.
Thank you. Now where was I?
Right...
This guy eats his own dick.
- Fuck you!
- Fuck me? Fuck you!
Fuck you, you fucking goblin.
Aah, that's so mean! Fuck you!
-Fuck you! I hope
you fucking die!
Enough, enough, enough!
What is all this,
f-this, f-that?
Is this supposed to be funny o?
'Cause it's not, I assure you.
I am on trial for my life.
Is it too much to ask
for just a little bit
of professionalism here?
Please?
Whoa... where's this
fucking guy been?
I told you. Didn't
I fucking tell you?
-This fucking guy rules.
- The balls!
- Next time, fucking listen!
Well, okay!
Judge, drop all the
fucking charges.
There's no way this
fucking guy did it.
- Halle-fucking-lujah!
I think I clogged
the fucking toilet.
Now I gotta take a shit!
Hey, hi!
Hi, uh, have you
heard of YippKart?
- Excuse me?
- YippKart?
- YippCar?
- Kart.
- Cart?
- Yes, YippKart.
No, I don't think
I have, actually.
-Oh, YippKart is this
super-cool new app
which is the quickest way
to order groceries online.
Just enter this promo code here
for 10% off your first order.
Yes, I'll do this.
-But if you really
think about it,
you're getting 10%
off your groceries
while getting it
delivered to your front...
Wait... really?
Yeah, I mean, I have to
get groceries anyways,
might as well get
10% off, right?
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh, wow! This is amazing!
Seriously, you will?
Because...
they'll hurt me if you don't.
Yes, I-I'll use it. I mean it.
I'm serious. They Home Aloned
the last employee that
didn't meet their quota.
I'm talking paint cans to
the face, to the crotch,
Micro Machines, the works.
Oh, um...
Maybe I shouldn't
get involved...?
No, no, no, no, no, no,
you have to, you have to!
- Please.
- Okay, I will.
Look what they've done already.
Oh my God.
God? God?!
What kind of god would
let this happen to me?!
Okay, well, fine. I'll
use the promo code, then.
You promise? You
have to promise.
- I will.
- YippKart promise.
Yeah...
Promise.
You get him to use
your promo code
to get 10% off his first
order on the YippKart app?
Yes, yes, I-I swear!
She telling the truth?
- She is.
- You sure?
You don't seem sure...
I'm sure. I'll use it.
I actually think you're
really gonna enjoy this app.
It's such a great deal. I
think you're gonna love it.
Me too.
Hey, don't forget,
dinner at my house tonight.
Tell Judy to save room
for my famous ribs.
Oh, she'll have plenty of room!
We're looking forward to it.
Oh, and...
don't eat too much.
Our toilets don't work.
What do you mean?
Yeah...
Bring a shit bag.
I'll see you two later.
You're so fucked, Johnson.
No shits? Good luck.
You might as well go
to the bathroom now
and try to get it all out.
Hey, sweety.
Babe, I'm freaking out
about dinner tonight.
Why?
Dinner at your
boss's should be fun.
- The toilets work, right?
- No.
- That's the problem.
- Oh.
Well, I better just
take a shit now, then.
Yeah, that's
what I'm trying to do.
But guess what? I
can't shit right now.
Well, I just flushed mine,
so I'm good for the night.
Don't force it.
You'll be fine.
You've gone 2.5 days
without shitting before.
- Just bring a shit bag.
- Really?
You don't think
that'll be weird?
Not at all. You're
too self-conscious.
Says the woman who
just took a shit.
What? I'm still bringing mine.
Yeah, you're right.
Bring one for me, too.
Okay. Love you.
I can't wait for
those applewood-smoked ribs.
Yeah, I can already taste them.
- Ugh!
Hey, hey! Whoa,
somebody overpacked!
What, are you staying here
for the week or something?
- Johnson!
Sorry.
Here comes the shit...
- That's disgusting.
Darlene, thank you so much
again for such a yummy lunch.
She doesn't miss. Just
like when I was a kid.
Hmm! Thanks, you two.
Speaking of when Todd was a kid,
I was cleaning out the
garage the other day
and I found these
old VHS tapes of him
- when he was a little boy!
- Oh!
Mom, you're embarrassing me!
This is too fun!
I want to see little
Todd as a kid!
Alright, alright.
You win, again.
Let the embarrassment begin.
It'll be cute!
We haven't seen these in years.
- Oh!
Hey, I'm Todd, and
welcome to my tea party.
Oh my God, this is way too cute.
I need some more sugar.
Ohh, remember that tea set?
How could I forget?
Best imaginary tea
in the neighbourhood.
Oh, hi.
My lady, could I interest
you in a spot of tea?
Sir, a spot.
Wow, I haven't
seen Crystal in years.
You two were the cutest
little couple on the block.
- We were cuties.
Whatever.
If I could give
you all the tea in the world,
- I would, my lady.
- You're too kind.
That's so stupid.
- You okay?
- I'm fine.
And I don't give a shit
about Crystal, so...
Maybe we should shut this off.
No, no, no, I'm
just messing around.
I wanna see more
of cute widdle Todd
and cute widdle Cwystal.
How much
would it cost me
for all the tea in
the world, fine sir?
For
you, my lady, fwee.
- Oh, come on!
Calm down.
You have never liked
me from the start.
And you knew that
pulling up this video
of Todd and his ex-girlfriend
would be the exact kind of
thing to drive us apart.
Well, guess what?
It worked.
- I'm leaving.
- Babe...
Goodbye...
fine sir!
Hey, it was 20 years ago
and she meant nothing!
Wow.
- Wait, you know I would never...
- Oh, Mom, I know.
Trust me. That was just...
I don't know what
that was, actually.
I'm sorry.
Cwystal, have you
met my new mommy?
I will love her fowever.
She's more beautiful
than your real mom.
What the fuck, Todd?!
- Hey, Ghost, what gives?
I was getting ready for
my sexy date tonight.
And I turned on
the faucet and blood came out!
You wouldn't happen to know a?
Oh, F off! Cold again!
I told you,
Ghost, you gotta knock it off!
"If I wanted cold fries,
"I would have ordered
them to the North Pole.
"Never ordering from
you dorkholes again."
If our super fot
in here, we'd both be out
on our keisters, meester!
I am nowhere.
I exist
outside of your reality.
I love sassy brand
Twitter. It's so good.
I mean it, Ghost.
No more pranks or you're
gonna be in serious trouble!
Capeesh?
I have seen
beyond the pale of eternity.
I have passed through the fabric
that connects time
and the infinite.
I have laid witness to all...
"Hey, you little dough
boy, you pudgy little hog,
"your Tweet sent me flying
off the fucking rails.
"If I could, I
would shove your p
"and I would keep going
until you dropped dead."
Jesus Christ!
Okay, I'm blocking this account.
Is
that it, Ghost?
Is that what you're
trying to tell me?
Hello?
How
would you like it
- if I put you in the ground?
- What?
Did I stutter?
What if I committed
arson on your apartment
with you still in it,
you little warthog?
- Hendy's?
Well, I
guess that means you know
whether or not I'm
gonna score tonight.
Come
on, gimme a hand.
First base, second...?
No, wait, don't
tell me, third, isn't it?
- Or do I hit a home run?
- Hello?
Can I help you?
Hey, what are you doing?!
This is my house!
Hey, get off!
You just gave me a noogie!
Sorry about that.
We're trying to make the list
of the sassiest Twitter brands
of 2023.
Um...
Um... Here you go.
Sorry again.
We good?
-So what are your
benefits like for this?
-Mm, not bad. Hey, can
I use your shit bag?
It's been 2.5 days...
A little
over-the-pants action
- and she never calls you back!
-Ghost!
-Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go scare the crap
out of Old Man Carruthers.
Don't you dare or...
you're a dead man.
Welcome back!
Coming up a little bit later,
the woman behind the viral
basketball rap video that's
got everybody talking is here.
Quinn, you see this thing yet?
It's great! It's time
for our first guest.
You know him from movies like
"Best in Show," "Like Mike,"
and "American Pie,"
and most recently
the Emmy Award-winning
series "Schitt's Creek."
Ladies and gentlemen,
Eugene Levy.
You know this one...
Eugene, you look great.
You somehow get more successful
and better-looking
the older you get.
Why, thank you, Turner,
you're too kind.
We have a lot to talk about,
so let's get right into it.
What have you been up to lately?
Turner, your producers told
me there wouldn't be any
- hardballs tonight.
Yeah, but anyway,
after Schitt's,
I decided I needed
a little break.
I don't blame ya.
I'm the same way.
I set 'em up, you
knock 'em down.
But seriously, I've been
spending a lot of my free time
with my close friends, Steve
Martin, Martin Short...
anyone with the name
"Martin" in it, basically.
I guess that's it
for my questions!
Anyway, uh, I guess we should
talk about your new project,
unless that's
something that you...
- Cat got your tongue, Turner?
Did you... drop
something, Eugene?
Oh. Well...
Looks like I'm
straight tripping, Boo!
- Ahh...
These things don't stay
on like they used to.
Sorry, folks. This is
extremely embarrassing,
but for some inexplicable reason
this man is not the
real Eugene Levy.
Oh, Turner, you're starting
to sound like my son, Jim,
- from "American Pie."
Regardless, you're gonna
have to leave the set, sir.
I know you don't
know me well, but...
the Eug doesn't leave the stage.
Okay. Security?
Stop this!
Stop this, everyone!
He may wear fake eyebrows,
but I swear on my fucking life
that that man is Eugene Levy.
Who are you?
Steve...
Martin.
Case closed.
As your valedictorian, I
look out today at the faces
of my fellow graduates
and I can see...
I... I, um, I hope we...
I'm sorry. Um...
Hey, Jeremy!
You got this!
Phew, okay.
It's my hope that we continue
to believe in each other
and ourselves.
But what does that mean,
to believe in yourself?
As you all know, ten years
ago, when I had my accident,
my doctor said I would
never walk again,
- but then...
No, I didn't!
Dr. Hong?
Jeremy, I did not,
nor would I ever,
tell a patient that
they'd never walk again.
I simply gave you the facts and
stated that a small percentage
of people will regain
bipedal mobility,
albeit with a limited capacity.
Geez, I...
I guess you're right.
I know I am, because
stretching the truth
is just as bad as lying.
That's
something only losers do,
isn't it, Dr. Hong?
That is correct.
Because the truth is...
Winners never lie!
Hong, that was terrific!
Geez, my muscles were supposed
to be much bigger than that!
You two are the
best fucking friends
in the whole goddamn world.
Thanks, Steve Martin.
- Mm-mm!
- You're not getting it in.
- We got this.
- We got this, man.
Mm-mm!
Ooh...
- Ugh!
- It's alright.
Alright, alright!
Good game, guys.
Oh, thanks, Katie.
Always a pleasure
kicking your ass.
Okay, okay, what do you
guys want to play next?
I'm so tired of
losing at Beer Pong.
Oh, uh, Flip Cup?
Ooh, Truth or Dare?
- Never Have I Ever?
- Mommy Feeds Baby.
Who is that?
That's
Rory's older brother.
Rory, come
back to the party!
Wait, what?
-Mommy Feeds Baby. Maybe
we should play that game.
Yeah, yeah, we heard
you, but what is that?
Come with me.
No.
No, guys, no way.
Let's... Come on!
Fuck!
Okay,
so you're telling me
no one's heard of
Mommy Feeds Baby?
-No one here has ever
heard of Mommy Feeds Baby.
Okay, fine.
So who wants to be Mommy?
Fine, I'll be the
mommy, I guess.
First, you have to
pick out your baby.
Same as they do at the hospital.
But that's not what
they do at the hospital.
Oh, I'm sorry, do you know
how to play the game, or do I?
Okay, so now pick your baby.
Um...
Teddy's my baby.
-Okay, so you can do it.
It's not that hard, see?
Okay, Teddy, come on up.
Okay...
- You sit down.
- Me?
- Yeah.
- Now what?
Okay, now you climb onto
Mommy's lap and she feeds you
beer like a bottle till
you have an accident.
What?! No, no way!
She's obviously gonna
change you afterward, dude.
- Calm down!
- Let's... let's just
- play something else.
- No, you're doing it wrong.
Babies don't talk. They
just eat, sleep, and piss.
Hey, say, "Goo-goo ga-ga!"
Okay, okay, get the
hell outta here, man.
You gotta go.
We didn't even
play the game yet!
Nobody wants to play
your weird perv game!
But being the Mommy
is the best part!
- Go home, dude!
- Get out!
Fuck off, Rory's brother!
That's your friend.
- W!
You guys were in
the washroom together!
You invited him!
I need a drink.