The Dessert (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Grapes, Nipples & Cowboys - full transcript

Can I get you another?

No, you don't have to do that.

I insist.

Okay, fine.

Gin and tonic.

Coming right up.

We'll take two gin
and tonics, please.

So, you come here often?

Often? Try... a lot.

Why don't I try giving
you a call instead?

Hmm?



Sorry, I thought
my phone vibrated

but it was just my
leg being weird.

I get that. My
legs are the weirdest.

Why do you think I'm
wearing pants right now?

I feel like I
know you from somewhere.

Are you an actor?

I don't know, you tell me.

- Ring any bells?
- I'm not sure.

You kind of just rubbed
your eyes really hard...?

That was my line.

You didn't say anything.

- Acting is reacting.

Yeah, I guess it is.

So, tell me about
yourself, Boo-Boo.



Yeah... can you not
call me Boo-Boo?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
that was your name.

And why would
that be my name?

Well, I noticed
you have a Band-Aid,

which means somebody
has a boo-boo!

Oh, we're giving
each other nicknames now?

Well, I notice that you're
clearly wearing a wig,

so why don't I call
you Fucking Weird?

Can't say I haven't
heard that one before.

I have what Will
Smith's wife has.

Hmm, alopecia?

No, just a badass attitude
and my own talk show.

- Who's Alopecia?

You're really cute.

Oh, I thought I was
"Fucking Weird."

- Nice to meet me!

- Wanna get out of here?

I don't think we're ever
gonna get our drinks.

If a bear shits in the
woods, does anybody hear it?

I'm in love with you.

Let's get outta here.
Speeches are about to start.

This is a special day

for my son and his
beautiful new wife, sure,

but for us, too.

I love you!

As you all know, 17 years ago,
my wife and I sat in a room

and were told by a doctor
that our 11-year-old son...

had an incurable brain tumour,

and only had a
year left to live.

Mm-mm, mm-mm!

No, I didn't!

Excuse me?

No, I didn't!

Oh! Dr. Hong!

Why is he wearing
his doctor's outfit?

I did not, nor would
I ever, tell a parent

that their child had
only a year left to live.

-Oh, uh... Well,
thank you for coming.

We hope that...

-I simply gave you the facts

and stated that only a
small percentage of people

with the type of brain
tumour he had would survive.

Your son being one of
them does not change

the specific information
you were given.

I guess I just meant...

-You gotta keep
your facts straight.

Hey...

This guy's a liar!

Oh...!

You insulted his
profession, you dick!

You're insulting my profession!

I hate you.

I hate you too.

Boo!

Everyone, no!

No!

Please!

That... that's not what I meant!

I just stretched
the truth a little.

Stretching the truth
is the same as lying.

Maybe even worse.

What's that?

Fucking idiot.

La, la, la, la, la.

- Hi.
- Hi, there.

This stuff's not
for me, you know.

It's for my niece.

She's having a
bachelorette party,

and she felt weird
about getting this stuff

so I said I'd help her out.

Uncle of the Year
over here, huh?

I wish!

Point is, I won't be
using, eating, drinking,

or sniffing any of these
hilarious gag gifts.

Okay, let's see, then.

Penis-shaped straws...

Penis-shaped shot glasses...

Penis-shaped cake pan...

Nice!

Penis-shaped candles...

Of course.

Yeah, you need those, right?

Bag of pubes.

Okay...

Could you not say
every item out loud, please?

It's just a little
bit embarrassing.

Don't worry, sir.

- I'm almost done.
- Mm-kay.

Penis-shaped
water gun!

- Penis confetti!
- Really?

A 24-carat diamond bracelet

with a penis-shaped
ruby jewel on top!

You're enjoying
this, aren't you?

A little.

Cum juice...

Cum soda...

a jar of synthetic
cum.

Oh, uh, this has been opened.

You didn't drink
from it, did you?

No, I didn't drink
any synthetic cum.

- Because it can cause diarrhea.
- Really?

Not that I would
know from experience.

I didn't drink it, okay?

If you say so.

Penis-shaped flip-flops...

A penis pinata.

- Yep!
- Penis pasta...

- And alfredo sauce!
- Yeah.

Someone's eatin' good
tonight.

- Oh, uh, this isn't working.
- Yeah, it's $3.99.

I'm gonna have to
call my manager.

- Okay, listen...

If you were a toilet, where
would you be right now?

A toilet to go
diarrhea-ing in, you mean?

Yes, if you really must know.

I would be at the
back of the store,

- waiting for you.

Okay, thank you.

I'll be right back
to pay for this.

Don't forget to wash
your hands!

I like him.

Okay...

Two Girls, One Cup.
Marry, fuck, kill?

Uh...

Kill?

Damn it!

- That's right.
- Yes!

4-0, me.

Try this one:

Bed, Bath & Beyond.

You know, you
two are playing wrong.

That's none
of your business.

Yeah, mind
your own business.

Actually...

it is my business.

I invented the game.

Name's Mary.

Mary Fuquekill.

- Bullshit.
- You made that up.

Alright.

- Fine.

I'd marry Bill Murray,
I'd fuck Queen Latifah,

and I'd kill Ben Affleck.

Holy shit... It's true!

It's her!

Well, enjoy the rest
of your game, fellas.

Wow, look at that suit.

I know, right?

I wanna marry/fuck
that suit so bad.

Hey, ma'am,
where'd you get that suit?

You two seem like good boys.

Come with me.

I wanna show you something
that I think you might like.

Let's go!

Break her fucking legs, Angie!

We want blood!

Where the hell are we?

Yeah, why'd you bring us here?

I don't know.

I thought you'd enjoy this!

Are you not having a good time?

Ew, I hate blood!

-I thought you were going
to give us free suits.

Why would I give two
random kids free suits?

Because you're rich?

No, I'm not!

I've been married, I've
fucked, and now I'm gonna kill!

- Ow, my nose!

Ow, ow, fuck!

Oh, oh my gosh.

That's a sprain, for sure.

Oh my God, don't cry, don'.

Okay... Phew!

So what do you think?

I don't know. Feels
kind of derivative.

- Yeah.

So you were telling
me about your new job?

Uh, yeah, yeah, I just
started it recently.

I was really nervous...

Look at me.

I'm finally on a hot date
and all I can think about

is how hard my goddamned
nipples are right now.

-Sell sheeting in my
quarterly interludes...

-Why'd they have to sit me
next to the air conditioning?

I should have taped them down
right before I left the house.

Mom was right.

-It kind of reminded me
of Lord of the Rings...

-I don't have a clue
what she's talking about!

-My hypothesis is that
green is yellow...

-Great going, Todd!

-Stuff like BEDMAS...

-Quick, say something so s!

Noice!

- Pardon?
- You know, just "noice."

Like I'm really enjoying
what you're saying right now.

Uh, I think you're really noice
and I'm having a noice time.

Noice!

You're
blowing this, Todd!

Just go home. She hates you.

Everyone hates you.

Hey, sorry, not to be weird
or anything but, um...

your nipples are like
really hard right now.

- Um, is everything okay or...?
- It's so weird you say that.

I was just thinking to myself,

"Oh, my nipples are
feeling soft today."

So I think it's funny
that you would think that,

because it's so not true.

- Well, anyways!

I have to go to the bathroom.

It was nice meeting you.

- Are you leaving?
- Hmm?

-You said it was nice meeting me

like you were gonna leave
and never come back.

Did I do something wrong or...?

I just really need
to leave right now.

This isn't about you or my
super soft and mushy nipples,

I just have to go
to the bathroom.

It was very nice to meet you.

Don't let
her see you cry, Todd.

- I
got nipples, Greg.

Can you milk me?

-What'd you just say?

I said I got nipples, Greg.

Can you milk me?

I got nipples, Greg.

Milk me!

Milk this, Fokker!

I got nipples, Fokker, milk 'em!

- De Niro's the best!
- I was just gonna say that.

Hey, uh,
sorry to interrupt...

whatever this is.

But your nipples are really
disturbing the other tables.

Do you mind covering up?

Are
you talkin' to me?

- I don't
see anyone else around!

You must be talkin' to me!

I hate this job.

Kevin, our photos
are here! Come look!

Geez, I don't even wanna look!

Come on, we've been
waiting forever!

-Can we do this another time?

You know I always look
terrible in photos.

-Okay, well, you
always look handsome

and you especially looked
handsome on our wedding day.

- Come on!
- Okay, you buttered me up.

Let's see these damn things!

Huh...

These are actually not so bad.

I don't know.

What the hell?

These are all
horrible! What is this?

Come on, these are good!

I look like dog shit!
This is a nightmare!

What? No, no, no.

You look beautiful.

Are you fucking blind?

These are the worst wedding
photos I've ever seen.

-I am not blind.

And, in fact, I can clearly
see a gorgeous woman,

and I'm the luckiest
man in the entire world.

This is demented! Why
would she take these?

I look like a fucking monster!

I look like a fucking
ugly stupid goblin!

Now, now...

-No, I look like a
fucking ugly goblin!

Here, let me get you a water.

Now, I know this seems
bad, honey, but...

Oh my God, is that Eugene Levy?

- What, where?
- Here, come here.

I don't see him!

He's there, trust me.

Are you sure it's him?

Yeah, I'd know
Jim's Dad anywhere.

I don't even
see anybody out there.

Calling me a liar?

I'm sorry, Kevin, but Eugene
Levy is not out there.

Augh, you must've
just missed him.

But anyway, what do you
think of this photo?

'Cause I think you look
pretty amazing in it.

-I guess that one's not bad.

Not bad? Not bad?!

You look gorgeous!

Look at this stunning,
beautiful woman.

The camera loves you.

You're just a star who
hasn't been discovered yet.

How did I ever get
so lucky to find you?

-Aww!

You always know what to
say to make me feel better.

I love you.

I love you too.

My God, that is the sexiest
cowboy I have ever seen.

Christ, look
how sexy he is!

Have you seen
how sexy that guy is?

What am I, blind?

He's insanely sexy.

The legends are true!

Hey, Billy Bob!

Looks like you ain't the s.

The hell I ain't!

Now, you listen to me, mister!

- I'm the sexiest...

- Holy shit, you're hot!

Oh my...

Are you kidding
me? What the hell?

Okay, he's so damn sexy

there's gotta be
something off about him.

-Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Betcha he's got a weird
voice or something.

I reckon you'd be wrong.

Probably can't
handle his liquor!

Been drinkin' all damn day.

Ahh!

Goddamn, you're sexy.

Maybe he's bad at darts?

- Whoa.
- Probably can't hold a tune.

Hey, he's probably
got a tiny pecker!

Yeah!

Nope!

I guess there ain't
nothing wrong with him.

Maybe this sexy drifter
is just a yella-bellied coward.

No one calls me a coward.

That so?

I'm sorry,

but I don't hit little girls.

-Lucky for me...

I do.

What the hell?

His boots got lifts on 'em!

But... sexy drifter!

Fine, fine.

Ya got me.

I wear boots that make me
look six inches taller.

- But who among you...

Best be moving along
now, small fry.

Disgusting.

Sorry I'm late, everyone.

I hope you all had
a great weekend,

but I want to dive into things.

This is a big week for the
firm, but I think we can all...

Uh... everything alright, Leia?

- Tough weekend?
- No.

I just stayed at home with
the hubs and the kids.

You know, watched some sports.

My daughter is on
TikTok now, though,

so you guys know how that goes.

- But you're okay?
- Yeah, never been better.

Right, back to business.

Kelly, I'm gonna need you
to draft up those contracts.

I'm talking the Chinese
restaurants, the bank,

- the hospital, um...

Leia, do you need an Advil?

No, not at all. Why
would you even ask that?

Well, you're whimpering
like a sick dog, so...

No, that wasn't me.

I actually think
that was Charlotte.

Her husband just left
her or something, so...

-Mm-hm. I know that
wasn't Charlotte.

-Yeah, and she's also making
this really weird ringing noise

that's stuck in my head.
Can you tell her to stop?

It's really distracting
for all of us.

Leia, is that you?

Huh?

...by a child.

Excuse me, ma'am, what happened?

It was that kid!
He Home Aloned me!

That kid's a psycho!
Everything hurts!

And what do you
mean he "Home Aloned" you?

Look at me! He gave
me the works, okay?

Torched door, Micro Machines,
paint can to the face,

paint can to the nuts,
it wouldn't stop!

-But how do you
know the assailant?

His parents are in Paris
again and they asked me

to check in on him, but I didn't
know he was a little psycho!

That little reptile has
no soul! Cold-blooded!

Leia, did a preteen
boy boobytrap you?

Oh! That's not me.

I think that's actually
Jennifer Lawrence.

That's not Jennifer Lawrence.

- That's definitely you, Leia.
- Really?

'Cause now that you mention it,

I think that looks a lot
like Jennifer Lawrence.

You're missing a tooth...

What? Where?!

My gold
tooth... I'll kill him!

My producers have
informed me that we do have

the home security footage
of the incident, but...

Come on, don't show the video.

viewer
discretion is advised.

Okay, the sound effects
do make it funny...

Sorry I'm late.

Crazy weekend.

Oh, hey, J-Law?

I love her.

Ugh!

Hello, everyone.

It's time for the
Half Time Dance Cam.

Football fans,
get on your feet !

Nice moves!

Nice moves!

Oh, what do we have here?

Looks like she doesn't
want to move it.

Come on, the Dance
Cam has found you!

You gotta move it!

Come on, everyone, give
her some encouragement!

There we go. Yeah!

That's it. Got for it!

Are you seeing this?

Of course
I'm seeing this.

It's everything that
we've been looking for.

Quirky, adorable,
beautiful, charismatic...

I can't look away.

That is the new face
of our franchise.

Yeah, more like chest
of our franchise!

- Come on, grow up.
- Sorry.

What do you think, sir?

I think...

A star is born!

Yes!

One day I'll catch my break.