The Cyanide & Happiness Show (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Grandpa's War Stories - full transcript
- Look, we all make mistakes.
- (sobbing)
- (sobbing)
Ah!
(gasps)
Hmm...
(yells)
Oberah-hah.
(Want food.)
Urgh, ow!
(panicked screaming)
(satisfied grunt)
Hmm...
Hm.
(grumbles angrily)
(sniffles)
Oh!
Hm.
- (angry grumbling)
Four scientists, from the future.
Armed with a hunger for
knowledge, and a time machine,
embark on a quest to find:
The most ancient joke in the book!
(laughs)
- (laughter continues)
(screeches)
(grumbles)
(chirps)
(roars)
- (laughter)
- (laughter continues)
The most ancient joke in the book!
All right, sweetie,
here we are!
You can... you can
open your eyes now.
(gasps) Kitties!
That's right, and since it's your birthday,
You get to pick out any
cat you like, okay?
Okay! Uh, I want...
I-I want...
That one!
(roars)
Are... are you sure?
Because, uh...
That one, that one, that one!
♪ Clawford the big blue cat! ♪
(children cheering)
Now you have to remember,
having a kitty is a
big responsibility.
Can you take care of him?
Air conditioning!
You're gonna have to feed him,
change his litterbox...
- Air makes my face cold!
change his litterbox...
(Clawford rawrs)
I've got it!
(vomits)
Hello?
Will you please get your cat
to stop shitting on my lawn?
Are you sure it wasn't your dog?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure,
considering it's bright
blue and, I dunno, my dog is
trapped underneath it!
- (mournful howl)
- (Clawford growls)
- (mournful howl)
Control your giant cat or
I'm calling the cops!
Sweetie, can you
please come in here?
Hi, Mom!
We need to talk.
I think the kitty has to go.
But Clawford loves me...
Maybe we can get you
a regular-sized cat.
(sniffles)
(sighs) Fine, we can keep him.
Yay! Thanks, Mom!
(laughs hysterically)
(indistinct talking on TV)
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
Mommy! Mommy! Mom!
Have you seen Clawford?
That's nice.
I can't find him anywhere!
(sighs) Mommy's busy.
Go play with your cat.
(gasps) There he is!
- (gasps)
- Clawford!
(growls)
(purrs)
Yay!
Looks like old
Clawford's pretty hurt.
Please!
I think we're gonna have
- Help me!
I think we're gonna have
- Help me!
to put him down.
to put him down.
But he's okay! Clawford's okay!
No, he's in a lot of pain, sweetie.
- (coughs)
No, he's in a lot of pain, sweetie.
Lot of pain.
My colon's... hanging outside
- my body...
Mom, but Clawford...
Mom, but Clawford...
Sometimes we have to say
goodbye to our pets, honey.
It's what Clawford would want.
Don't you want what
Clawford would want?
- (groans) That's a... big cat...
Come on, sweetie. We need to
put him out of my— his misery.
It's the right thing to do.
- This is a total cat-tastrophe!
Ah, best part of the job.
Casual Friday!
When I get to kill animals.
(both gasp)
Nah, I'm just kiddin, heh!
Let's get this show
on the road! Sorry, kid.
(roars)
- (roaring continues)
- Hmm. We may have a problem here.
(growling in distance)
(Clawford roars)
Is everything okay in here?
Is everything o—
- What's happen—
- You okay?
(Clawford continues roaring)
(Low growl)
(roars)
Come on, honey. Let's go home.
Okay.
Thank you! Bye!
All right, sweetie!
You get to pick out
any pet you want, okay?
Okay! Um... mmm....
That one!
All right, you can get it.
(Clawford roars)
(mother screams)
(screaming stops)
(roars)
Clawford!
(roars)
(purrs)
(laughs) Clawford, yeah!
Whee!
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Got a giant kitty-cat! ♪
♪ You do what I fuckin' want! ♪
- Whoo-hoo!
♪ Now that my mom's gone! ♪
- Yeah!
♪ Now that my mom's gone! ♪
♪ Now that my mom's gone! ♪
♪ Best friends! ♪
♪ We're gonna take on the whole world! ♪
♪ Bright fuckin' blue! ♪
♪ That's me and you! ♪
- (sobbing)
- (sobbing)
Ah!
(gasps)
Hmm...
(yells)
Oberah-hah.
(Want food.)
Urgh, ow!
(panicked screaming)
(satisfied grunt)
Hmm...
Hm.
(grumbles angrily)
(sniffles)
Oh!
Hm.
- (angry grumbling)
Four scientists, from the future.
Armed with a hunger for
knowledge, and a time machine,
embark on a quest to find:
The most ancient joke in the book!
(laughs)
- (laughter continues)
(screeches)
(grumbles)
(chirps)
(roars)
- (laughter)
- (laughter continues)
The most ancient joke in the book!
All right, sweetie,
here we are!
You can... you can
open your eyes now.
(gasps) Kitties!
That's right, and since it's your birthday,
You get to pick out any
cat you like, okay?
Okay! Uh, I want...
I-I want...
That one!
(roars)
Are... are you sure?
Because, uh...
That one, that one, that one!
♪ Clawford the big blue cat! ♪
(children cheering)
Now you have to remember,
having a kitty is a
big responsibility.
Can you take care of him?
Air conditioning!
You're gonna have to feed him,
change his litterbox...
- Air makes my face cold!
change his litterbox...
(Clawford rawrs)
I've got it!
(vomits)
Hello?
Will you please get your cat
to stop shitting on my lawn?
Are you sure it wasn't your dog?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure,
considering it's bright
blue and, I dunno, my dog is
trapped underneath it!
- (mournful howl)
- (Clawford growls)
- (mournful howl)
Control your giant cat or
I'm calling the cops!
Sweetie, can you
please come in here?
Hi, Mom!
We need to talk.
I think the kitty has to go.
But Clawford loves me...
Maybe we can get you
a regular-sized cat.
(sniffles)
(sighs) Fine, we can keep him.
Yay! Thanks, Mom!
(laughs hysterically)
(indistinct talking on TV)
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
Mommy! Mommy! Mom!
Have you seen Clawford?
That's nice.
I can't find him anywhere!
(sighs) Mommy's busy.
Go play with your cat.
(gasps) There he is!
- (gasps)
- Clawford!
(growls)
(purrs)
Yay!
Looks like old
Clawford's pretty hurt.
Please!
I think we're gonna have
- Help me!
I think we're gonna have
- Help me!
to put him down.
to put him down.
But he's okay! Clawford's okay!
No, he's in a lot of pain, sweetie.
- (coughs)
No, he's in a lot of pain, sweetie.
Lot of pain.
My colon's... hanging outside
- my body...
Mom, but Clawford...
Mom, but Clawford...
Sometimes we have to say
goodbye to our pets, honey.
It's what Clawford would want.
Don't you want what
Clawford would want?
- (groans) That's a... big cat...
Come on, sweetie. We need to
put him out of my— his misery.
It's the right thing to do.
- This is a total cat-tastrophe!
Ah, best part of the job.
Casual Friday!
When I get to kill animals.
(both gasp)
Nah, I'm just kiddin, heh!
Let's get this show
on the road! Sorry, kid.
(roars)
- (roaring continues)
- Hmm. We may have a problem here.
(growling in distance)
(Clawford roars)
Is everything okay in here?
Is everything o—
- What's happen—
- You okay?
(Clawford continues roaring)
(Low growl)
(roars)
Come on, honey. Let's go home.
Okay.
Thank you! Bye!
All right, sweetie!
You get to pick out
any pet you want, okay?
Okay! Um... mmm....
That one!
All right, you can get it.
(Clawford roars)
(mother screams)
(screaming stops)
(roars)
Clawford!
(roars)
(purrs)
(laughs) Clawford, yeah!
Whee!
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Got a giant kitty-cat! ♪
♪ You do what I fuckin' want! ♪
- Whoo-hoo!
♪ Now that my mom's gone! ♪
- Yeah!
♪ Now that my mom's gone! ♪
♪ Now that my mom's gone! ♪
♪ Best friends! ♪
♪ We're gonna take on the whole world! ♪
♪ Bright fuckin' blue! ♪
♪ That's me and you! ♪