The Cyanide & Happiness Show (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Why I Hate Summer Camp - full transcript
(snoring)
(yawns)
Honey, what is it?
(shushes)
(gasps)
(gasps)
(gasps again)
What the hell is going on here?
(shushing)
(chuckles) So then he falls in a bear trap...
(laughs) That's so funny!
Hey, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back, okay?
Okay! I'll be right here.
Be this seat taken, m'lad?
Uh, actually, um...
Uh...
What be yer poison, there?
Raspberry chocolate vodka with mint. I, um...
Two whiskeys!
Ah, come on, man!
Sit still, m'boy, for I'm
going to tell ye a story
that may very well save yer life!
Well actually, I've got a, uh—
So there I was!
Onward, men!
We can't turn back now!
Captain, we can't go further!
The sea is a furious mistress tonight!
(screaming)
- Help me!
- I'm begging you, Captain!
- Help me!
- I'm begging you, Captain!
- Help me, please!
- Turn us around!
- Help me, please!
Stop this madness!
Never!
I will not give up!
I will not rest!
Not until we find...
The buttshark.
Wait, what?
The buttshark.
A... butt-shark.
The buttshark!
Half shark, an' half butt.
Terror of the deep!
There's no such thing
as a buttshark.
You weren't there, boy!
You didn't see the
cruelty of the sea!
You didn't witness the hellish beast
which emerged from
her dark blue belly!
(breathes heavily)
We hunted the buttshark
for many months.
(muttering)
Buttshark...
My Captain, the men are starving!
We have little water left.
We must stop off and
replenish our supplies.
Nay!
The last time we stopped at shore,
all but a handful of me
crew abandoned ship!
Well, that's because you're crazy, sir.
Crazy!?
Is it crazy to hunt something as
foul and tortured as the buttshark?
Yeah, but...
You're just kind of
making it personal, man.
It is personal!
The buttshark has taken
everything from me.
It took me wife.
It took me only son.
And it took...
me butt.
Are you serious?
Serious as scurvy, m'lad!
It took...
your butt?
Okay, I've gotta go.
I'm sorry, man.
Sit back down, child!
And be thankful that yer can sit at all.
Whoa. I was wondering why
you were wearing assless chaps.
'Tis because I am an assless chap!
Hey! I'm back!
Shh!
What happened next?
Many weeks later,
our hunt was still fruitless.
(vomits)
our hunt was still fruitless.
our hunt was still fruitless.
The men were growing weak,
but we pressed onward.
I had but one mission:
to kill the buttshark.
You're, ah, narrating
again there, Captain.
Aye, just practicing.
Look! It's the buttshark!
Narg. 'Tis but a dicksquid.
(sighs) It's useless, Captain.
Stop the search! It's destroying you!
Half your crew is dead!
Naye, perhaps it is time to—
Wait! There!
That's your first mate.
He's dead, too.
I will avenge him...
By killing the buttshark.
(grumbles)
That last part, I didn't witness.
'Tis a literary device.
You're such a good story-teller.
Thanks!
So then, other stuff happened
and the ship was going down.
Captain!
She's going down, sir!
We must get to the dinghy!
Arr. What's the point?
My life is without meaning or purpose.
I have failed my pursuit.
But we all had a really good time, right?
I mean, mmm, most of us died,
but at least the rest of us
have a pretty neat story to tell.
Aye! A story!
I must warn others not to pursue
their obsessions to
the point of madness!
Let it not ruin them
as it has runined me!
Pursue your dreams, me lad!
But don't let them pursue you.
For a dream can soon become a nightmare.
I lost everything that night.
I lost me ship, me crew,
and me mind.
Now I'm broken and penniless,
with only myself to blame.
Wow.
Well, thank you for
telling me your story.
I... wait!
If you're penniless, how
can you afford these drinks?
I can't!
(laughs hysterically)
Oh, god damn it!
(laughs hysterically)
Well, I'm done!
(slurps)
(sighs)
Today's the day!
I've got the ring,
I've got the girl.
Here's hoping she says "yes"!
Wow, this is really great.
Thanks for taking me
out tonight, sweetie.
I heard such good
things about this place,
I had to take you!
(laughs nervously)
Wow! Look at that chandelier!
Yeah, it's really cool.
(sighs) Anyway, there's a reason I—
Oh my god!
Yes! Yes!
(kissing)
Wow!
That's so romantic!
I—
Did you just drink my wine?
Uh, er...
Yeah.
Um, why?
I'm an alcoholic.
What!?
Yep.
Okay, no big deal.
Just gotta try something else.
See?
You don't need alcohol to have a good time!
Yeah, you're right.
(laughs nervously)
(sighs)
Look, uh, baby...
There's something I wanna—
Shh! Look!
Look, baby, there's
something I wanna ask you.
Will you marry me?
Yes!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
(kissing)
(more than kissing)
Why can't you be that romantic?
I, er, uh, f—
(stammering)
Isn't this great?
It's beyond great.
It's absolutely incredible.
I love you!
(laughs nervously) I love you too!
Oh my god, is that..?
Yes, I—
No, over there! Look!
What?
No!
(gasps) Yes!
Yes, of course I'll marry you!
Damn it! No!
No!
No!
What is wrong with you!?
(stammering) You can't— You can't just—
Can't what?
It's not fair, I—
How dare you!
- I was—
How dare you!
How dare you!
How dare you!?
No, no, no! No, listen to me!
You listen to me!
I didn't come all the way
up here to the sky
for people like you
- You don't— You don't understand!
for people like you
for people like you
To get all up in my business!
What? No!
Get out of my sky!
We come up here to be alone...
No, no, no, no, no! You don't—
and get away from...
I was—
people like you!
No, y-y-you don't understand, I—
No, you don't understand!
You don't understand
our love!
(groans) What's your problem?
Hey, sweetie, I'm—
(screams)
H... Hello?
What... What is this?
Hello, dear.
In this room I've hidden
something very special.
If you want to find it,
you'll need to play
a little game with me.
Kind of like Saw?
Wh—
What's Saw?
It's a movie.
God damn it!
Gah, fuck...
Look honey, I...
I-I love you so much, and I've...
I've been trying a million different ways
to ask you to marry me, but...
but they've all been done before, and...
(sighs) All I wanted to do
was give you something
special to remember.
Oh, sweetie...
It doesn't matter how you propose!
I wanna spend the
rest of my life with you.
(inhales)
You do?
Yes! I don't care
if you're a homophobic alcoholic!
Let's get married!
You've made me the
happiest man in the world!
(laughter)
(both sigh)
So, um...
How do I get outta here?
Uh...
You have to...
go through... the whole... thing...
Oh.
And that's how my fianceé died.
Yar. 'Tis a sad story.
But I've got a sadder one.
Two whiskeys!
(yawns)
Honey, what is it?
(shushes)
(gasps)
(gasps)
(gasps again)
What the hell is going on here?
(shushing)
(chuckles) So then he falls in a bear trap...
(laughs) That's so funny!
Hey, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back, okay?
Okay! I'll be right here.
Be this seat taken, m'lad?
Uh, actually, um...
Uh...
What be yer poison, there?
Raspberry chocolate vodka with mint. I, um...
Two whiskeys!
Ah, come on, man!
Sit still, m'boy, for I'm
going to tell ye a story
that may very well save yer life!
Well actually, I've got a, uh—
So there I was!
Onward, men!
We can't turn back now!
Captain, we can't go further!
The sea is a furious mistress tonight!
(screaming)
- Help me!
- I'm begging you, Captain!
- Help me!
- I'm begging you, Captain!
- Help me, please!
- Turn us around!
- Help me, please!
Stop this madness!
Never!
I will not give up!
I will not rest!
Not until we find...
The buttshark.
Wait, what?
The buttshark.
A... butt-shark.
The buttshark!
Half shark, an' half butt.
Terror of the deep!
There's no such thing
as a buttshark.
You weren't there, boy!
You didn't see the
cruelty of the sea!
You didn't witness the hellish beast
which emerged from
her dark blue belly!
(breathes heavily)
We hunted the buttshark
for many months.
(muttering)
Buttshark...
My Captain, the men are starving!
We have little water left.
We must stop off and
replenish our supplies.
Nay!
The last time we stopped at shore,
all but a handful of me
crew abandoned ship!
Well, that's because you're crazy, sir.
Crazy!?
Is it crazy to hunt something as
foul and tortured as the buttshark?
Yeah, but...
You're just kind of
making it personal, man.
It is personal!
The buttshark has taken
everything from me.
It took me wife.
It took me only son.
And it took...
me butt.
Are you serious?
Serious as scurvy, m'lad!
It took...
your butt?
Okay, I've gotta go.
I'm sorry, man.
Sit back down, child!
And be thankful that yer can sit at all.
Whoa. I was wondering why
you were wearing assless chaps.
'Tis because I am an assless chap!
Hey! I'm back!
Shh!
What happened next?
Many weeks later,
our hunt was still fruitless.
(vomits)
our hunt was still fruitless.
our hunt was still fruitless.
The men were growing weak,
but we pressed onward.
I had but one mission:
to kill the buttshark.
You're, ah, narrating
again there, Captain.
Aye, just practicing.
Look! It's the buttshark!
Narg. 'Tis but a dicksquid.
(sighs) It's useless, Captain.
Stop the search! It's destroying you!
Half your crew is dead!
Naye, perhaps it is time to—
Wait! There!
That's your first mate.
He's dead, too.
I will avenge him...
By killing the buttshark.
(grumbles)
That last part, I didn't witness.
'Tis a literary device.
You're such a good story-teller.
Thanks!
So then, other stuff happened
and the ship was going down.
Captain!
She's going down, sir!
We must get to the dinghy!
Arr. What's the point?
My life is without meaning or purpose.
I have failed my pursuit.
But we all had a really good time, right?
I mean, mmm, most of us died,
but at least the rest of us
have a pretty neat story to tell.
Aye! A story!
I must warn others not to pursue
their obsessions to
the point of madness!
Let it not ruin them
as it has runined me!
Pursue your dreams, me lad!
But don't let them pursue you.
For a dream can soon become a nightmare.
I lost everything that night.
I lost me ship, me crew,
and me mind.
Now I'm broken and penniless,
with only myself to blame.
Wow.
Well, thank you for
telling me your story.
I... wait!
If you're penniless, how
can you afford these drinks?
I can't!
(laughs hysterically)
Oh, god damn it!
(laughs hysterically)
Well, I'm done!
(slurps)
(sighs)
Today's the day!
I've got the ring,
I've got the girl.
Here's hoping she says "yes"!
Wow, this is really great.
Thanks for taking me
out tonight, sweetie.
I heard such good
things about this place,
I had to take you!
(laughs nervously)
Wow! Look at that chandelier!
Yeah, it's really cool.
(sighs) Anyway, there's a reason I—
Oh my god!
Yes! Yes!
(kissing)
Wow!
That's so romantic!
I—
Did you just drink my wine?
Uh, er...
Yeah.
Um, why?
I'm an alcoholic.
What!?
Yep.
Okay, no big deal.
Just gotta try something else.
See?
You don't need alcohol to have a good time!
Yeah, you're right.
(laughs nervously)
(sighs)
Look, uh, baby...
There's something I wanna—
Shh! Look!
Look, baby, there's
something I wanna ask you.
Will you marry me?
Yes!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
(kissing)
(more than kissing)
Why can't you be that romantic?
I, er, uh, f—
(stammering)
Isn't this great?
It's beyond great.
It's absolutely incredible.
I love you!
(laughs nervously) I love you too!
Oh my god, is that..?
Yes, I—
No, over there! Look!
What?
No!
(gasps) Yes!
Yes, of course I'll marry you!
Damn it! No!
No!
No!
What is wrong with you!?
(stammering) You can't— You can't just—
Can't what?
It's not fair, I—
How dare you!
- I was—
How dare you!
How dare you!
How dare you!?
No, no, no! No, listen to me!
You listen to me!
I didn't come all the way
up here to the sky
for people like you
- You don't— You don't understand!
for people like you
for people like you
To get all up in my business!
What? No!
Get out of my sky!
We come up here to be alone...
No, no, no, no, no! You don't—
and get away from...
I was—
people like you!
No, y-y-you don't understand, I—
No, you don't understand!
You don't understand
our love!
(groans) What's your problem?
Hey, sweetie, I'm—
(screams)
H... Hello?
What... What is this?
Hello, dear.
In this room I've hidden
something very special.
If you want to find it,
you'll need to play
a little game with me.
Kind of like Saw?
Wh—
What's Saw?
It's a movie.
God damn it!
Gah, fuck...
Look honey, I...
I-I love you so much, and I've...
I've been trying a million different ways
to ask you to marry me, but...
but they've all been done before, and...
(sighs) All I wanted to do
was give you something
special to remember.
Oh, sweetie...
It doesn't matter how you propose!
I wanna spend the
rest of my life with you.
(inhales)
You do?
Yes! I don't care
if you're a homophobic alcoholic!
Let's get married!
You've made me the
happiest man in the world!
(laughter)
(both sigh)
So, um...
How do I get outta here?
Uh...
You have to...
go through... the whole... thing...
Oh.
And that's how my fianceé died.
Yar. 'Tis a sad story.
But I've got a sadder one.
Two whiskeys!