The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 8, Episode 2 - There's No Place Like This Home - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Okay. I'll meet
you there at 4:00.

Bye.

People.

Dad, thank God you're home.

Uh-huh.

It's an emergency. I need money.

Ha ha ha!

Dad, it's urgent.

Right.

It's not for me.
It's for clothes.



Mm-hmm. Ha ha ha ha ha!

I talked to all my friends,

and everyone's gonna be wearing

baby doll dresses
the first day of school.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Don't worry about her.

She has no idea how
frivolous she's being.

She's just starting junior high.

By the way, I need a phone card.

Do you think you
could fix that for me?

Ha ha ha!

Dad, come on. There
are a lot of people

that I need to communicate
with from school.

Here's a quarter.



Call your friends collect.

Ha ha ha!

[whistling]

Where are you going?

To the backyard to
study. Oh, that's right.

You got your summer
school final. Yeah.

Physics. Yeah.

Class you failed last spring.

I didn't fail.

Scientifically speaking,
gravity pulled my grade down.

Heh heh heh!

No, no. Ordinarily, I could've
easily gotten a D in that class.

A whole D you could've gotten?

Yeah. Before I
came to this house

and was forced
to start studying,

I had a foolproof
method: the CAB system.

The cab system?

That's right. For
multiple choice questions.

C, A, B.

C, A, B.

But you got left back.

B, A, C.

B, A, C.

Heh heh heh!

I passed my other finals.

That's all right. Good
luck, hon. I'm serious.

Hey, Dad.

What are you...
You don't live here.

I know. But my roommates
have some friends staying over,

so I stayed in my old room.

Yo, besides, Dad,

this will always be my home.

[snaps fingers]

You don't distract me, either.

Oh, Sondra, don't be
silly, you little chicken head.

You don't have to
keep thanking us.

We are more than happy
to cosign your home loan.

Yes! Okay.

All right. Bye-bye.

Sondra and Elvin
are on their way over.

One last paper for you to
cosign for their home loan.

Wonderful.

Clair, my loveliest
love of the lovelies,

if I asked you about November,

what would you say?

What would you want me to say?

Whatever is in your heart.

Okay. You're wasting my time.

That's a cruel, cruel,
cold-blooded stroke

you made on me that time.

But I am not going
to be distracted.

Now, I worked very
hard, my darling,

to give you the gift
of the giftiest gifts!

Pull it out.

Ta-da!

This is the gift of
the giftiest giver.

That is correct. Take it out.

Raggedy blueprints of our home.

Now, how many bedrooms
have we in this house?

We... We have four, right?

There's ours, there's
Olivia and Rudy,

and there's Pam and Vanessa,

and then there's
Denise and Martin.

And while they're away in
Asia on Martin's duty tour,

it has somehow become
Theo's, uh, summer cottage.

Cliff, what does this
have to do with November?

I'm glad you asked.
See, I'm getting to that.

See, this summer, I have
accepted the fact, my darling,

that we are not
getting any younger.

Also, that these children

are determined to
stay here until we die.

Will that be November?

Just the opposite.

In November, you are
going to live, my love.

Please turn to
page 2, downstairs.

Ah-hah!

That's right. What is that?

That's right. Look. You see? This is
a room. What is that? What is that?

Now, here, I have
watched you, my darling,

for years walk around that house

searching for a spot

of privacy somewhere
in the house.

But those people put
on a strong campaign.

No matter where you
went, there was someone...

[gibberish]

And you found nothing there.

And I say to you,
my dear, right here is

the Clair
Hanks-Huxtable Memorial

"Do what you want anytime
you want to do with it" Room.

And you don't have
to be dead to enjoy it!

Huh?

We're gonna have
our own room? Not we.

You do with it
what you want to do.

You want to make a library,
you want to make an office,

[deep voice] you want to make

a den of love...

Well, yeah, maybe
we could do all three.

Right on, right on.

Ha ha! This is almost too much.

My own room. A quiet room.

Yes, it is. Mom, I...

How many times have I asked you

to knock before you
enter this bedroom?

Why? It's daytime.

Mom, listen, I really need

some money for this...
You know, we could put

an electrical beam
across that room there,

and anybody coming in

with a bad attitude or no money

wouldn't be able to come in.

Let's go look at it.

No, no, no. You
can't look at it, dear.

Not until November.

Oh, no, Cliff. November.

Mm-mm. Huh?

It's there. It's there?

If you believe. If I believe.

It's there. I believe
it's there. All right.

Mom, Dad doesn't understand.

I need money for clothes.

I gave you money for
clothes in July, Rudy,

and you bought them then.

But, Mom, I... I... Rudy.

O-hi-yo.

Pennsylvania.

No! "O-hi-yo" means
hello in Japanese.

That's what Denise and my
dad said on the tape they sent.

So do you like my new kimono?

It's very lovely, Olivia.

It needs to be ironed.
Can you iron it, please?

Uh, later. Mom, I...

But it needs to be ironed now!

I told you later.

Cliff, do you
believe? I do believe.

But it needs to be
ironed! Please iron it!

No. And you're not going
to distract me, either. Please!

What about the iron?
Please, please, please!

Pull my pants off. I
don't care. Please!

Comes all down
to... I like this.

Yes! I like this.

Mom, Dad... This belongs to you.

Hey, hey, hey! What? What? What?

Get off! Get off of
your mother's room!

From here, here
on down, right on,

and it stops right here.

I could put a chair and a
matching ottoman right here.

Yes. Yes. Got it. Got it!

Yo! Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!

You know, and a
nice area rug, too.

Yes. Please.

This is weird.

What are you guys doing?

Your father is building
me a new room.

Another room! All right! Yeah!

Yeah! It'll be great to
have a place to study

or for out-of-town guests.

Or I can have a crash pad

when Denise and
Martin get back. Yeah!

Hey! Hey! Has somebody
snatched your brains?

This is your mother's room!

Your mother's room!

Your mother's!

Oh.

We can soundproof
the room, dear.

Double-insulated
soundproofing. Oh, yes.

Big, thick steel
door with the things...

[swooshing sound]
when you close it.

And little kids outside
sounding like this.

[mouthing]

Hey, Dad.

Well, well, here come
the new homeowners!

Oh, not yet, Dad. Tomorrow.

Yeah, well, look at this.
Look at this sugar pie.

Winnie, Winnie.

And Nelson.

Oh, what's the
matter with Nelson?

Nelson's mad because
he just got a haircut.

Come on, Elvin. Let's take
these things into the kitchen.

Oh. Okay.

Nelson, you gonna
stay with Grandpa?

Yes.

You gonna be a good boy? Yes.

All right. [Cliff] Oh.

You have to get a
haircut sooner or later.

Everybody's gotta get one.

I have new braids.

Ooh, yes, you do,
and they are beautiful.

The lady did them, and
she told me her name.

Well, what is her name?

I don't know. I forgot.

But I have it up here.

Rhonda! Rhonda! Huh?

That's her name.
Rhonda. She cut my hair.

It's all over.

And it itches.

Here.

Oh, yes. Isn't this a hair?

Olivia! Olivia!

O-hi-yo.

[both] New Jersey.

So do you love my new kimono?

[both] Yeah!

Come on. Let's go upstairs.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Yay! Yay! Kids, keep it down.

[lowering volume] Yay! Yay.

That's it. Yay!

Hey, Dad. Well, well, well.

You're putting an extension
on the house. Yes. Yes.

That's great. Mom's finally
getting her own room. Yeah.

Dad, between our new
home and your new room,

you're really into the
home finance business.

Well, Dad, if, um,

[inhales sharply]
you'll just sign

this last...

financial authorization.

Clair!

Didn't... Didn't Clair tell you
about this? Hmm? What?

We're not signing this. Uh-huh.

We're not signing it
because what I've done

is, I have... Uh-huh!

I have an architect
coming... Uh-huh!

No, I'm seri...
What is your uh...

Now, don't do that. I'm not
signing the thing because... Uh-huh.

I got ya. I got ya.

Good one, Dad. I just got you.

That was a good one.
You should've seen yourself.

That was good. You got me.

No. Your color... You
lost... I know, I know.

You got me, Dad! [muttering]

Okay, here you go. Oh, God!

That was so funny.

Please, Dad.

Listen. Listen, you
have no idea, man.

It's only... small moments
in life that you have.

Sign it!

I can see when you're
getting serious. Okay.

Dad, we really,
really appreciate this.

Heathcliff. Heathcliff.
Two F's or one?

Okay, here we go.

There you are. Now... Thank you.

Why don't you let me have it
so I can show it to the women?

'Cause they love
commitment, you know.

Just let me...

Congratulations.

Thanks, Dad. Congratulations.

Good luck. Thank you.

It's a lot of responsibility.

Yes, I know.

A lot of responsibility. Yeah.

Yes, sir. The big R.

I just signed your loan
papers. Thanks, Dad, Mom.

Congratulations. Thanks.

I think Elvin's beginning to
feel the pressure. Oh, Dad.

He's been that way for
about three weeks now.

But I'm sure he'll breathe
easier once we close.

Yeah. Yeah.

Aunt Sondra! Aunt Sondra!

What is it?

Something's wrong
with Uncle Elvin!

He doesn't look good.
He's breathing funny.

Oh, my.

There he is, just the
way we found him!

Told you, Daddy
doesn't look good.

Daddy's okay.

It's just a little
buyer's remorse.

Daddy's buying a horse!

Yay! Yay!

[chattering]

Downstairs, downstairs,
downstairs. [cheering]

Shh! Downstairs.

I want a pony! I
want a pony! Shh!

Why don't you leave
the two of us, okay?

He'll be all right.

Ahem.

[sigh]

What's the problem,
son? Responsibility?

No, Dad. Commitment?

No.

It's neither of
those things, Dad.

It's the money!

All that money!

Every month!

You... You make payment after
payment for years, and they...

You... You miss one
time... Just once...

And they take it all away!

Are you... Are you planning
on missing a payment?

No, of course not. All right.

Then you would
have to pay for it.

I don't think I
could live with that.

Well, I-I've got news for you.

I don't think we're
gonna live with it, either.

I mean, all Mrs.
Huxtable and I did

was we... we cosigned.

We... We didn't say...

We... We don't plan
to make any payments.

You miss a payment,
and... [gasping]

Wait a minute! Wait a minute.

Look, you're a doctor, man!

I mean, y-you will
never be out of work.

But... But wh-what if someone

spreads some kind of
nasty rumor about me

and I get fired?

What is it that I don't
know about you?

Nothing, nothing. But, you
know, people say things.

Or forget that. What if...

What if people
stop getting sick?

I... I have no other skills!

Will you shut up?

You're putting more pressure
on yourself than you have to.

You're a doctor, your wife is a
lawyer, you got a lovely family,

you've got in-laws

that are protecting
you and backing you up.

I mean, who else would
you want to trade places with?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Now, get yourself together now.

Okay, Dad.

Yeah. You're a homeowner now.

Yes. Homeowner.
Homeowners unite!

You got it.

Well, hello, you two!

Well, Dr. Dirt and Home Equity.

How's everything
going? [Sondra] Well...

Well, it's pretty overwhelming.

We got all the
paperwork taken care of,

met with a real estate lawyer

and went down to the
bank this morning to close.

[Sondra laughs] All right.

And we're really looking
forward to moving in.

Yeah. We've even
called the van company.

They're ready to move us out of
our old apartment, as the lease says...

"Clean, no penalty." Boom.

And we'll be moving this Monday.

Into a motel.

A motel?

Life's a funny thing, you know?

Well, actually,
it's kind of sad.

The other couple, whose
house we were going to buy...

We are buying. We are buying.

This morning at the closing,

she handed her
husband divorce papers.

It's kind of funny, isn't it?

Yeah. So it was kind
of an ugly morning

because we were sitting across

from these two
people at the bank.

And she was muttering something

about dirty socks
and infidelity.

And all of a
sudden, she's, like,

lunging these
papers at his throat,

screaming, "We're
perpetrating a lie!"

But the Realtor assures us

that this is a very
common thing.

Although it's the first
time it's happened to us.

So, naturally, we'll
need someplace to stay

until they settle the
divorce proceedings,

which could be... any day now.

Or, at the most, a month or two.

I'll take the case.

Pro bono, no fee.

Mom, it's not that easy.

Okay, Sondra, Elvin, there
is no more room in this house.

Dad, ordinarily, I
would agree with Mom,

but on the way over
from the closing,

we worked it out on paper.

You see, we move into
Denise and Martin's room.

And the twins can
stay with us. Or...

Or Rudy moves in with Pam.

While Vanessa's away at school.

The twins can
move in with Olivia.

Which would give her
some nice company.

It's a minimum of disruption,
and everyone is pleased.

Mom and Dad, ordinarily,

we would've stayed with friends

if they would've
had room for us.

Or, you know, we can stay

at that cheap motel.

In the city.

With your grandchildren.

Muffin, I... I think, uh...
I think it's time to go.

Uh, Mom and Dad, might
we take a cup of coffee with us

that Elvin and I could
share in the motel room?

Perhaps... Perhaps we
could have a glass of water

or liquids for the children?

And might we take that box of
uneaten crackers for your grandchildren?

That's a good idea, honey.

We'll eat it in the car
on the way to the motel.

Right. On the way to the motel.

Yes. Or maybe we'll...
We'll save it for the motel

and eat it with the children.

What are you doing?
I-It's no sense, dear.

These people are serious.

These people are
not playing fair at all,

and we might as well
just not build that room.

Just let them have the house.

They want it. Let them have it!

Now you listen to me.

No, you listen to me.
These people are serious,

and they play hardball!

Anybody who stoops low enough

to use their children... Our
grandchildren... sleeping

[whiny voice] in the
motel... [muttering]

And they left out the rats and
the snakes and all of those things.

I'm telling you,
dear, let them have it.

[Clair] They will
never, ever get

the Clair
Hanks-Huxtable Memorial!

Dear, I'm telling you...
Listen, we will clear the land.

We will fell the
trees. We will...

Bye, Grandpa.

Bye, Grandma.

Pay no attention to them.
No. They're playing...

Listen to me. You...

Clair, we can't. We can't do it.

We are going to
make this happen.

These people...
We will work the soil.

We will fell the
trees... [sniffling]

Well, the twins are asleep,

Sondra and Elvin
are all tucked in,

and I am confused to
announce that with all that,

we still have our own bedroom.

You know, Cliff, we only have
a few days left on this planet.

Yes. And the
pitiful thing about it

is that we're gonna have to
spend it with these people.

Yes, but not as visitors
in our own home.

[laughing] Oh, no?

No, I'm not gonna
let them do that to me.

How are you going to stop it?

I'm going to give them
plenty to shoot down.

Are you kidding me? No, I'm not.

We were talking about
expanding this house.

I say let's go for it
and extend this kitchen.

You mean, the way
I always wanted to?

Can I have

the window box to
grow the herbs in?

And... And a corner
cabinet with a lazy Susan?

You can spin all night.

Oh, yeah? Is this the kitchen?

Oh, the kitchen, dear, I
explained to you before.

It's next to the den of love.

Oh. There now.

Mmm. Yes.

I wore my orange...
so you could find me.

♪♪ [theme]

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