The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 7, Episode 20 - Home Remedies - full transcript
Olivia is not feeling well, so several people come up with different remedies to help her feel better.
♪♪
How's it look? It looks great.
That's because we make
great parties. The best!
Grandma and Grandpa are going to be
so surprised to see Mr. and Mrs. Fields.
They're the funniest people.
Now, how would you know?
You were only 7 years old
the last time they
visited from Florida.
I wasn't a brainless 7-year-old.
I remember. It was Grandma
and Grandpa's golden anniversary,
and Mr. Fields let me
dance on his feet all night.
He kept pulling
quarters out of my ear.
You fell for that old trick?
All I know is I got rich.
Hey, Dad. Hey.
How ya doin'? Hi, Dad.
Oh, this looks nice. Thank you.
Thank you. Looks nice.
Honey, I bought it.
Anniversary present
for my parents.
A 19th-century
Nigerian ritual bowl.
Oh, Cliff, that's lovely! Yeah.
Wow. What kind of
rituals was it used for?
Uh, probably
for... for marriages
or potato salad.
Ah-choo!
Oh! What is this sneeze?
Huh?
I don't feel too good. Oh, no.
I think she's
catching a cold, Cliff.
And I'm making something
that'll take care of that, too.
Well, you think
you'll be able to sing
for my mother and
father's anniversary?
Ah-choo! Whoa!
Now, talk to me.
What do you want me to say?
Can you sing, "Me, me, me, me"?
♪ Me, me ♪
No, no, no.
I don't think you're
gonna make it tonight.
Why don't you go
upstairs and just rest?
And I'll bring you
up some juice, okay?
That's right, Olivia. And I'll bring
up your soup in a little while, okay?
Okay.
Ah-choo!
Oh, poor thing. She
had her heart set
on singing that song for
Russell and Anna tonight.
Oh, hello. Afternoon.
Afternoon, Mrs. Huxtable.
Afternoon, Dr. Huxtable.
I'm so happy that Hank sent you.
You know, we're
having a major problem.
I know. No heat in the
dining room, huh? Don't worry.
For ten years now, I've had a
relationship with that heater. Yeah.
It's probably just got
a clogged transfer.
Yeah? Well, that's a good
thing to hear because I...
I know. You've got a
big party tonight, huh?
Yes, I wouldn't want to put
a damper on the anniversary.
Oh, my, that smells good.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, Dave, I have a watch on you,
and you don't start to get paid
until your feet
hit the basement.
Yeah. I got a watch,
too, right here. Okay.
Mmm, pardon me. Pardon me.
Smells... Smells
good. That's right.
This soup will definitely
help Olivia get over her cold.
You don't mind if you
get a medical opinion?
Please.
Oh.
It's supposed
to taste like that.
Why?
'Cause this is my
Great-Aunt Becky's
garlic and lemon rowboat soup.
Ohhh!
Every spring, when the
Mississippi would flood over,
everybody would get
colds from the exposure.
Great Aunt Becky'd put big cast-iron
kettles of this soup in her rowboat.
After people drank it,
they were cured before
she even floated away.
Aunt Becky kept rowing and
spooning till the waters went down.
So your Aunt Becky
was a very strong
and determined woman
who couldn't cook.
All I know is everybody who's
ever tasted it got well. How you feel?
How do I look?
Hey, Mom, table's all polished.
Thank you, son. Ooh, food!
No, no. That's not food.
This is my Great-Aunt Becky's
garlic and lemon rowboat soup.
Ah, rowboat soup.
It sounds good.
Uh-huh.
I'll take some of that. Okay.
Son, son, son.
Whoo-wee! Ho!
That soup's got kick!
A nice little tang to it!
This is for Olivia's cold.
Well, if that soup doesn't work,
I am making Olivia pot liquor.
Pot liquor? That's what my
grandmother used to make.
You take greens... turnip,
mustard, kale, collard greens.
You cook 'em in a pot,
boil it all down, and drink it.
Every time we got sick,
she used to slime
us with that stuff.
And you got over that
cold, too, didn't you?
You wanna help
somebody get over a cold,
I suggest you brew some
camellia on that stove.
"Camellia"? Yeah. What
you call chamomile. Hmm.
Looks like a flower,
smells like an apple.
It's got the kick of a
Czechoslovakian mule.
The first thing my parents packed
when they came over here from Prague.
This house is full of doctors.
Oh, hello, Mrs.
Kim. Come in. Hello.
Hi! Mrs. Huxtable, I knew you
wanted this outfit for tonight,
but I thought I'd play it
safe and drop it off early.
Well, thank you so much. I
just have to get my money.
Oh, hey, Mom, I'll take this upstairs
for you. All right? Thank you, son.
Garlic lemon soup! Yes!
Oh, in rainy weather in
Korea, they always drank that.
Oh, really? For colds?
No. To reduce
swelling in the joints.
Well, this brew is
for colds. No, no, no.
For colds, the elders made
you use ginger poultice,
with an herb mixture
called Sawata.
And it's also good
for motion sickness.
Yeah. Probably
help your aunt Becky
while she's bobbing
around the Mississippi.
Hey, Charmaine. Hey, Pam.
Come in. Hi, Aaron. Hi, Pam.
I hope you're as ready as I am
for a good afternoon
of hanging out.
Oh, no, I can't. I'm
making a big afghan
for Cousin Cliff's parents' anniversary
tonight, and I wanna finish it.
Oh, that's sweet.
Lance and I used to celebrate
our anniversary month by month...
You know, give each
other little gifts and stuff...
Until I realized only
one of us was giving
and the other one
of us was taking.
Now, go easy, baby.
I think of anniversaries
as a yearly thing,
so I'm saving up for our biggie.
Actually, Lance is correct.
The word anniversary comes
from the Latin
annus, meaning year,
and vertos, meaning turn.
So a monthly anniversary
is linguistically contradictory.
Listen to the man
with the facts, ladies.
See, we men have
too much on our minds
to keep monthly tabs
on the love calendar.
Ain't that right, Aaron?
Tell the truth. When
was the first time
you and Pam went out together?
October 14.
Four months, three
weeks, and two days ago.
See, Lance, if you care
about a person, you remember.
I care. See, my philosophy
is that you diminish
anniversaries
if you have one
for every little event:
the first time we
ate pizza together,
the first time we ate pizza
with pepperoni together.
I mean, a person would
need an anniversary computer
to keep up with all those dates.
Well, Aaron remembers.
Aaron, what was the
date of our first kiss?
November 2nd, 10:15
p.m. It lasted 23 seconds.
He's something,
isn't he, Charmaine?
Yes, he's something.
A kiss is easy. Try
something hard,
like when was the first
time y'all held hands?
That's easy. Aaron.
Well, let's see. There have...
There have been so many times.
He's not talking about so many
times. He's talking about the first time.
Do you remember, Pam? I do.
Oh, wait, wait. Now,
come to think of it, so do I.
It was a Sunday, the
evening of October 24th.
And I remember that
because it was misty,
and it gave your skin
this beautiful glow.
Oh, man!
And as we walked back
from the library together,
I took your hand in mine.
That was the third time.
But I'll take it.
Lance, why don't you
try a stab at our first kiss?
I'll even settle for
the third or the fourth.
I know it was a lot
longer than 23 seconds.
The date, Lance.
Let me see. Yeah, it
was, um, June 2, 1989.
I know that, because it
was a very humid day.
And, see, you had these cute little
beads of sweat on your forehead,
and they reminded me of a flower
after the summer rain.
Oh, Lance!
And, see, I said to myself...
I said, "Should
I, or shouldn't I?"
But before I could
come up with the answer,
then you kissed me.
What a memory! Yeah,
your memory is so good
'cause you make it
up as you go along.
Make it up?
Look, uh, we have to remember
that what's important
to one person
may not be as
important to another.
Like, I remember the first time
we went to the library together.
Do you?
You can't compare
studying with holding hands.
Yes, I can. And I remember
because we were studying biology
and you were nibbling an apple,
and I looked at you,
and I thought how beautiful
your digestive tract must be.
Oh, man!
Hello.
♪ Aaahhhhh ♪
♪ Hello, hello, hello ♪
♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me ♪
♪♪
♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me, me,
me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me ♪
♪ Me, me ♪ It doesn't work.
Okay.
Well, maybe you'll sing for my
mother and father another time.
But I said that I
was gonna sing them
a special song for
their anniversary.
Yeah. But, honey,
you... you just can't.
My dad said it's wrong
to break a promise.
Yeah, I know that. But in this
case, you can't do anything.
So maybe... maybe you
can give them something else.
Like what? I'm not big.
I can't sew like Pam.
You and Mrs. Huxtable
won't let me cook anything.
I can't buy them
anything. I'm broke.
What happened to all your money?
I don't know. I bought
some bubble gum.
Ha-ha! Here's another
quarter! Thank you.
Yay, yay, yay! Wait a minute.
Oh, another one. Thank you.
Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Fields, I
cannot wait to see the look
on Grandma and Grandpa's faces
when they walk in
here and see you two.
I can't wait to see the look
on Russell's face myself
because he owes me $5.00.
And when he comes in, I'm
gonna ask him for it in quarters.
Why does he owe you $5.00?
Because 55 years ago today,
I bet Russell that his
marriage would not last.
Didn't I say that?
You never said that.
Yes, I did. He's just
saying it to be funny.
But nobody's laughing. I said...
Their car just pulled up.
They're gonna be
coming through the door.
Now, when they come in,
we always take a picture.
Why don't you two
stand over here?
And then you all can
jump out and say Surprise.
Ahem.
Surprise! Surprise!
All these years, we've been
coming here on our anniversary
and walking through
this door the same way.
But this year, we decided
to spice it up a little.
That's right.
These are my parents.
Aha! That's the same way they
looked when they got married!
That's what you call a surprise!
Come on. Let's go sit down.
Happy Anniversary! Happy
Anniversary, Grandma and Grandpa.
All right, all right.
Hi, Grandpa.
Grandma, Grandpa, the
surprises are not over yet
because Rudy and I have
something for you in the kitchen.
Yeah, something very
special that they're preparing.
And we have these
gifts for you later on.
That's so touching. Thank you.
This one is from Sondra and Elvin.
They had to go to a medical convention.
And you know that
Martin is shipping out.
Denise wanted to be with him.
Didn't they leave a little
representative behind?
She's got a little cold.
Did you put a little bag
of asafetida around her neck?
What's asafetida?
It's a healing herb.
It's a stinking herb.
Put this thing around your neck,
and it smells like a
sack of rotten potatoes.
But it worked.
That's right. Asafetida
around your neck,
and your feet in a bucket of
hot water with mustard plaster
will knock the cold
right out of you.
Dad, they made you put
your feet in mustard plaster?
You have no idea how fortunate
you are your father's a doctor.
This woman... my
mother... And her mother...
I have chicken pox.
They came up to the room.
Had a bowl of oatmeal.
Made me take all my clothes off.
Put wax paper
over the sheet. Ooh.
Took this oatmeal and
smeared it all over my body.
Mmm.
Oatmeal paste. Yes.
And you stopped itching and
the squirming, too, didn't you?
Yes, because I was afraid
of what else you all
were going to do to me.
I thought that you all
were gonna come up
and put brown sugar
and nuts and raisins
and honeys all over
me and open the window
and let all of the
birds come in and...
Poor Olivia. Can't she
visit with us for a little while?
She's embarrassed.
Well, she promised you
that she'd sing that song
for you, and now she can't.
I don't think she
wants to come down.
Is she congested?
A teaspoon of kerosene
and sugar'll break that right up.
Uh, for chest congestion,
everybody knows it's
turpentine and sugar.
Turpentine and kerosene? Mm-hmm.
For chest congestion?
I understand.
All you gotta do is
light up a cigarette,
and your chest'll open right up.
Cliff, stop that now.
Don't make fun of home remedies.
I'm telling you that these
people are talking about
a teaspoon of kerosene,
a teaspoon of turpentine,
and these things taken
internally, dear, are toxic.
You can't digest that stuff.
You... You will open up...
the heavenly gates.
Olivia hasn't got
a fever, has she?
No, not anymore.
Well, I'm not
recommending this... Good.
But when I was a
boy, to reduce fever,
people would give children
rolled-up spiderwebs.
Grandpa, how do you
swallow spiderwebs?
A little orange juice,
it goes right down.
I had a 104 temperature once.
Took two of those
rolled-up spiderwebs.
A couple of hours later, 98.6.
Dad. Dad, come on. Spiderwebs?
Antipyretic.
I guess, in that case,
all I'd have to do is,
when one of my patients call up
and say they have a high fever,
just say, "Go down
to your basement,
"take a flashlight, look
in the darkest corner,
"find a big spiderweb,
roll it up, put it
in your mouth,
"take some orange juice
along with a little kerosene,
"and then call me in the morning
after you dip in some oatmeal."
You know what happened
to my roommate?
See, he had asthma, right?
So we took him down to
this curologist in the village.
Curologist?
Yeah.
Listen, is that my sportcoat?
Oh, yeah. Mine
was in the cleaners.
Thanks, Dad.
Anyway, we went
to this curologist,
and he had this big wooden sign
in front of his door.
It had about 100,
150 things listed.
So my friend walked in, and
he was coughing and wheezing.
The man sat him right down
and mixed up a
concoction right there.
He took, uh, goats'
milk, and he boiled it up,
took a little pinch of salt,
a little pinch of cocoa,
and then...
this man got a
little green lizard
and dropped it right in.
A live lizard?
He dropped it right
into the goats' milk.
And he drank it?
Stopped the
wheezing just like that.
And never wheezed since.
He drank it with
that live lizard in it?
Are you kidding?
He took one look
at that lizard swimming around
and ran away.
Stopped his wheezing for life.
Fluids.
Garlic.
Lemons.
What... Ho... What...
What is this, huh?
I gotta sing! I gotta sing!
But what, uh...
what is this for?
Fluids, garlic and
lemon rowboat.
Yeah, but you're not planning
on drinking this, are you?
Yes. No, no. You can't do...
You can't drink it. You
can't drink it. I have to.
No, you don't have
to. You can't drink it.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop!
No, no. Listen to me.
Listen to me carefully.
Come here, come here, come here,
come here, come here, come here.
Now, listen. Don't
sneeze in my face, okay?
You can't... Calm yourself.
We'll go upstairs, and I
will figure something out
so you can give my parents
the best present
they've ever had.
Okay? All right.
Oh, Russell! We
got such lovely gifts!
Oh, thanks, Clair.
Here's another one.
That's from me. I wanted
to make you a big afghan,
but I didn't know how
hard crocheting was.
So, instead, you got... Aw!
His-and-hers hot pads.
Thank you.
Well, you can never
have too many hot pads.
It looks like you guys
got a good haul there.
Yes, and the fun
is just beginning.
Ladies and "gentlement,"
the Café de Huxtable
is very proud to present,
for your listening entertainment,
enjoyment, and pleasure,
the one and only... B.B. Hooker!
Yes! Yes!
Now, plus, and
to add on to which,
Mr. Hooker, along
with Dame Rudith,
will be accompanying,
for your listening pleasure,
entertainment, and enjoyment,
the one and only... Olivia!
Olivia!
Olivia!
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Oh, yeah.
♪ Everything, everything ♪
♪ Everything
gonna be all right ♪
All right.
♪ When I was a little girl ♪
Okay.
♪ Only 12 years old ♪
♪ I couldn't do nothin' ♪
♪ To save my doggone soul ♪
♪ My mama told me ♪
♪ The day I was grown ♪
♪ She said, "Sing
the blues, child ♪
♪ Sing it from now on" ♪
♪ I'm a woman ♪
Whoo!
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Aaahhh ♪
♪ I'm a woman ♪
♪ I know my stuff ♪
♪ I'm a woman ♪
Yeah!
♪ I ain't never had enough ♪
♪ My whole back's alignin' ♪
♪ With the palm of my hand ♪
♪ Shake hands with the devil ♪
♪ Make him crawl in the sand ♪
♪ I'm a woman ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ I'm a woman ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪♪
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
How's it look? It looks great.
That's because we make
great parties. The best!
Grandma and Grandpa are going to be
so surprised to see Mr. and Mrs. Fields.
They're the funniest people.
Now, how would you know?
You were only 7 years old
the last time they
visited from Florida.
I wasn't a brainless 7-year-old.
I remember. It was Grandma
and Grandpa's golden anniversary,
and Mr. Fields let me
dance on his feet all night.
He kept pulling
quarters out of my ear.
You fell for that old trick?
All I know is I got rich.
Hey, Dad. Hey.
How ya doin'? Hi, Dad.
Oh, this looks nice. Thank you.
Thank you. Looks nice.
Honey, I bought it.
Anniversary present
for my parents.
A 19th-century
Nigerian ritual bowl.
Oh, Cliff, that's lovely! Yeah.
Wow. What kind of
rituals was it used for?
Uh, probably
for... for marriages
or potato salad.
Ah-choo!
Oh! What is this sneeze?
Huh?
I don't feel too good. Oh, no.
I think she's
catching a cold, Cliff.
And I'm making something
that'll take care of that, too.
Well, you think
you'll be able to sing
for my mother and
father's anniversary?
Ah-choo! Whoa!
Now, talk to me.
What do you want me to say?
Can you sing, "Me, me, me, me"?
♪ Me, me ♪
No, no, no.
I don't think you're
gonna make it tonight.
Why don't you go
upstairs and just rest?
And I'll bring you
up some juice, okay?
That's right, Olivia. And I'll bring
up your soup in a little while, okay?
Okay.
Ah-choo!
Oh, poor thing. She
had her heart set
on singing that song for
Russell and Anna tonight.
Oh, hello. Afternoon.
Afternoon, Mrs. Huxtable.
Afternoon, Dr. Huxtable.
I'm so happy that Hank sent you.
You know, we're
having a major problem.
I know. No heat in the
dining room, huh? Don't worry.
For ten years now, I've had a
relationship with that heater. Yeah.
It's probably just got
a clogged transfer.
Yeah? Well, that's a good
thing to hear because I...
I know. You've got a
big party tonight, huh?
Yes, I wouldn't want to put
a damper on the anniversary.
Oh, my, that smells good.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, Dave, I have a watch on you,
and you don't start to get paid
until your feet
hit the basement.
Yeah. I got a watch,
too, right here. Okay.
Mmm, pardon me. Pardon me.
Smells... Smells
good. That's right.
This soup will definitely
help Olivia get over her cold.
You don't mind if you
get a medical opinion?
Please.
Oh.
It's supposed
to taste like that.
Why?
'Cause this is my
Great-Aunt Becky's
garlic and lemon rowboat soup.
Ohhh!
Every spring, when the
Mississippi would flood over,
everybody would get
colds from the exposure.
Great Aunt Becky'd put big cast-iron
kettles of this soup in her rowboat.
After people drank it,
they were cured before
she even floated away.
Aunt Becky kept rowing and
spooning till the waters went down.
So your Aunt Becky
was a very strong
and determined woman
who couldn't cook.
All I know is everybody who's
ever tasted it got well. How you feel?
How do I look?
Hey, Mom, table's all polished.
Thank you, son. Ooh, food!
No, no. That's not food.
This is my Great-Aunt Becky's
garlic and lemon rowboat soup.
Ah, rowboat soup.
It sounds good.
Uh-huh.
I'll take some of that. Okay.
Son, son, son.
Whoo-wee! Ho!
That soup's got kick!
A nice little tang to it!
This is for Olivia's cold.
Well, if that soup doesn't work,
I am making Olivia pot liquor.
Pot liquor? That's what my
grandmother used to make.
You take greens... turnip,
mustard, kale, collard greens.
You cook 'em in a pot,
boil it all down, and drink it.
Every time we got sick,
she used to slime
us with that stuff.
And you got over that
cold, too, didn't you?
You wanna help
somebody get over a cold,
I suggest you brew some
camellia on that stove.
"Camellia"? Yeah. What
you call chamomile. Hmm.
Looks like a flower,
smells like an apple.
It's got the kick of a
Czechoslovakian mule.
The first thing my parents packed
when they came over here from Prague.
This house is full of doctors.
Oh, hello, Mrs.
Kim. Come in. Hello.
Hi! Mrs. Huxtable, I knew you
wanted this outfit for tonight,
but I thought I'd play it
safe and drop it off early.
Well, thank you so much. I
just have to get my money.
Oh, hey, Mom, I'll take this upstairs
for you. All right? Thank you, son.
Garlic lemon soup! Yes!
Oh, in rainy weather in
Korea, they always drank that.
Oh, really? For colds?
No. To reduce
swelling in the joints.
Well, this brew is
for colds. No, no, no.
For colds, the elders made
you use ginger poultice,
with an herb mixture
called Sawata.
And it's also good
for motion sickness.
Yeah. Probably
help your aunt Becky
while she's bobbing
around the Mississippi.
Hey, Charmaine. Hey, Pam.
Come in. Hi, Aaron. Hi, Pam.
I hope you're as ready as I am
for a good afternoon
of hanging out.
Oh, no, I can't. I'm
making a big afghan
for Cousin Cliff's parents' anniversary
tonight, and I wanna finish it.
Oh, that's sweet.
Lance and I used to celebrate
our anniversary month by month...
You know, give each
other little gifts and stuff...
Until I realized only
one of us was giving
and the other one
of us was taking.
Now, go easy, baby.
I think of anniversaries
as a yearly thing,
so I'm saving up for our biggie.
Actually, Lance is correct.
The word anniversary comes
from the Latin
annus, meaning year,
and vertos, meaning turn.
So a monthly anniversary
is linguistically contradictory.
Listen to the man
with the facts, ladies.
See, we men have
too much on our minds
to keep monthly tabs
on the love calendar.
Ain't that right, Aaron?
Tell the truth. When
was the first time
you and Pam went out together?
October 14.
Four months, three
weeks, and two days ago.
See, Lance, if you care
about a person, you remember.
I care. See, my philosophy
is that you diminish
anniversaries
if you have one
for every little event:
the first time we
ate pizza together,
the first time we ate pizza
with pepperoni together.
I mean, a person would
need an anniversary computer
to keep up with all those dates.
Well, Aaron remembers.
Aaron, what was the
date of our first kiss?
November 2nd, 10:15
p.m. It lasted 23 seconds.
He's something,
isn't he, Charmaine?
Yes, he's something.
A kiss is easy. Try
something hard,
like when was the first
time y'all held hands?
That's easy. Aaron.
Well, let's see. There have...
There have been so many times.
He's not talking about so many
times. He's talking about the first time.
Do you remember, Pam? I do.
Oh, wait, wait. Now,
come to think of it, so do I.
It was a Sunday, the
evening of October 24th.
And I remember that
because it was misty,
and it gave your skin
this beautiful glow.
Oh, man!
And as we walked back
from the library together,
I took your hand in mine.
That was the third time.
But I'll take it.
Lance, why don't you
try a stab at our first kiss?
I'll even settle for
the third or the fourth.
I know it was a lot
longer than 23 seconds.
The date, Lance.
Let me see. Yeah, it
was, um, June 2, 1989.
I know that, because it
was a very humid day.
And, see, you had these cute little
beads of sweat on your forehead,
and they reminded me of a flower
after the summer rain.
Oh, Lance!
And, see, I said to myself...
I said, "Should
I, or shouldn't I?"
But before I could
come up with the answer,
then you kissed me.
What a memory! Yeah,
your memory is so good
'cause you make it
up as you go along.
Make it up?
Look, uh, we have to remember
that what's important
to one person
may not be as
important to another.
Like, I remember the first time
we went to the library together.
Do you?
You can't compare
studying with holding hands.
Yes, I can. And I remember
because we were studying biology
and you were nibbling an apple,
and I looked at you,
and I thought how beautiful
your digestive tract must be.
Oh, man!
Hello.
♪ Aaahhhhh ♪
♪ Hello, hello, hello ♪
♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me ♪
♪♪
♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me, me,
me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me ♪
♪ Me, me ♪ It doesn't work.
Okay.
Well, maybe you'll sing for my
mother and father another time.
But I said that I
was gonna sing them
a special song for
their anniversary.
Yeah. But, honey,
you... you just can't.
My dad said it's wrong
to break a promise.
Yeah, I know that. But in this
case, you can't do anything.
So maybe... maybe you
can give them something else.
Like what? I'm not big.
I can't sew like Pam.
You and Mrs. Huxtable
won't let me cook anything.
I can't buy them
anything. I'm broke.
What happened to all your money?
I don't know. I bought
some bubble gum.
Ha-ha! Here's another
quarter! Thank you.
Yay, yay, yay! Wait a minute.
Oh, another one. Thank you.
Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Fields, I
cannot wait to see the look
on Grandma and Grandpa's faces
when they walk in
here and see you two.
I can't wait to see the look
on Russell's face myself
because he owes me $5.00.
And when he comes in, I'm
gonna ask him for it in quarters.
Why does he owe you $5.00?
Because 55 years ago today,
I bet Russell that his
marriage would not last.
Didn't I say that?
You never said that.
Yes, I did. He's just
saying it to be funny.
But nobody's laughing. I said...
Their car just pulled up.
They're gonna be
coming through the door.
Now, when they come in,
we always take a picture.
Why don't you two
stand over here?
And then you all can
jump out and say Surprise.
Ahem.
Surprise! Surprise!
All these years, we've been
coming here on our anniversary
and walking through
this door the same way.
But this year, we decided
to spice it up a little.
That's right.
These are my parents.
Aha! That's the same way they
looked when they got married!
That's what you call a surprise!
Come on. Let's go sit down.
Happy Anniversary! Happy
Anniversary, Grandma and Grandpa.
All right, all right.
Hi, Grandpa.
Grandma, Grandpa, the
surprises are not over yet
because Rudy and I have
something for you in the kitchen.
Yeah, something very
special that they're preparing.
And we have these
gifts for you later on.
That's so touching. Thank you.
This one is from Sondra and Elvin.
They had to go to a medical convention.
And you know that
Martin is shipping out.
Denise wanted to be with him.
Didn't they leave a little
representative behind?
She's got a little cold.
Did you put a little bag
of asafetida around her neck?
What's asafetida?
It's a healing herb.
It's a stinking herb.
Put this thing around your neck,
and it smells like a
sack of rotten potatoes.
But it worked.
That's right. Asafetida
around your neck,
and your feet in a bucket of
hot water with mustard plaster
will knock the cold
right out of you.
Dad, they made you put
your feet in mustard plaster?
You have no idea how fortunate
you are your father's a doctor.
This woman... my
mother... And her mother...
I have chicken pox.
They came up to the room.
Had a bowl of oatmeal.
Made me take all my clothes off.
Put wax paper
over the sheet. Ooh.
Took this oatmeal and
smeared it all over my body.
Mmm.
Oatmeal paste. Yes.
And you stopped itching and
the squirming, too, didn't you?
Yes, because I was afraid
of what else you all
were going to do to me.
I thought that you all
were gonna come up
and put brown sugar
and nuts and raisins
and honeys all over
me and open the window
and let all of the
birds come in and...
Poor Olivia. Can't she
visit with us for a little while?
She's embarrassed.
Well, she promised you
that she'd sing that song
for you, and now she can't.
I don't think she
wants to come down.
Is she congested?
A teaspoon of kerosene
and sugar'll break that right up.
Uh, for chest congestion,
everybody knows it's
turpentine and sugar.
Turpentine and kerosene? Mm-hmm.
For chest congestion?
I understand.
All you gotta do is
light up a cigarette,
and your chest'll open right up.
Cliff, stop that now.
Don't make fun of home remedies.
I'm telling you that these
people are talking about
a teaspoon of kerosene,
a teaspoon of turpentine,
and these things taken
internally, dear, are toxic.
You can't digest that stuff.
You... You will open up...
the heavenly gates.
Olivia hasn't got
a fever, has she?
No, not anymore.
Well, I'm not
recommending this... Good.
But when I was a
boy, to reduce fever,
people would give children
rolled-up spiderwebs.
Grandpa, how do you
swallow spiderwebs?
A little orange juice,
it goes right down.
I had a 104 temperature once.
Took two of those
rolled-up spiderwebs.
A couple of hours later, 98.6.
Dad. Dad, come on. Spiderwebs?
Antipyretic.
I guess, in that case,
all I'd have to do is,
when one of my patients call up
and say they have a high fever,
just say, "Go down
to your basement,
"take a flashlight, look
in the darkest corner,
"find a big spiderweb,
roll it up, put it
in your mouth,
"take some orange juice
along with a little kerosene,
"and then call me in the morning
after you dip in some oatmeal."
You know what happened
to my roommate?
See, he had asthma, right?
So we took him down to
this curologist in the village.
Curologist?
Yeah.
Listen, is that my sportcoat?
Oh, yeah. Mine
was in the cleaners.
Thanks, Dad.
Anyway, we went
to this curologist,
and he had this big wooden sign
in front of his door.
It had about 100,
150 things listed.
So my friend walked in, and
he was coughing and wheezing.
The man sat him right down
and mixed up a
concoction right there.
He took, uh, goats'
milk, and he boiled it up,
took a little pinch of salt,
a little pinch of cocoa,
and then...
this man got a
little green lizard
and dropped it right in.
A live lizard?
He dropped it right
into the goats' milk.
And he drank it?
Stopped the
wheezing just like that.
And never wheezed since.
He drank it with
that live lizard in it?
Are you kidding?
He took one look
at that lizard swimming around
and ran away.
Stopped his wheezing for life.
Fluids.
Garlic.
Lemons.
What... Ho... What...
What is this, huh?
I gotta sing! I gotta sing!
But what, uh...
what is this for?
Fluids, garlic and
lemon rowboat.
Yeah, but you're not planning
on drinking this, are you?
Yes. No, no. You can't do...
You can't drink it. You
can't drink it. I have to.
No, you don't have
to. You can't drink it.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop!
No, no. Listen to me.
Listen to me carefully.
Come here, come here, come here,
come here, come here, come here.
Now, listen. Don't
sneeze in my face, okay?
You can't... Calm yourself.
We'll go upstairs, and I
will figure something out
so you can give my parents
the best present
they've ever had.
Okay? All right.
Oh, Russell! We
got such lovely gifts!
Oh, thanks, Clair.
Here's another one.
That's from me. I wanted
to make you a big afghan,
but I didn't know how
hard crocheting was.
So, instead, you got... Aw!
His-and-hers hot pads.
Thank you.
Well, you can never
have too many hot pads.
It looks like you guys
got a good haul there.
Yes, and the fun
is just beginning.
Ladies and "gentlement,"
the Café de Huxtable
is very proud to present,
for your listening entertainment,
enjoyment, and pleasure,
the one and only... B.B. Hooker!
Yes! Yes!
Now, plus, and
to add on to which,
Mr. Hooker, along
with Dame Rudith,
will be accompanying,
for your listening pleasure,
entertainment, and enjoyment,
the one and only... Olivia!
Olivia!
Olivia!
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Oh, yeah.
♪ Everything, everything ♪
♪ Everything
gonna be all right ♪
All right.
♪ When I was a little girl ♪
Okay.
♪ Only 12 years old ♪
♪ I couldn't do nothin' ♪
♪ To save my doggone soul ♪
♪ My mama told me ♪
♪ The day I was grown ♪
♪ She said, "Sing
the blues, child ♪
♪ Sing it from now on" ♪
♪ I'm a woman ♪
Whoo!
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Aaahhh ♪
♪ I'm a woman ♪
♪ I know my stuff ♪
♪ I'm a woman ♪
Yeah!
♪ I ain't never had enough ♪
♪ My whole back's alignin' ♪
♪ With the palm of my hand ♪
♪ Shake hands with the devil ♪
♪ Make him crawl in the sand ♪
♪ I'm a woman ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ I'm a woman ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪♪
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA