The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 3, Episode 5 - Mother, May I? - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [singing in Spanish]

♪♪ [ends]

Hi, Rudy.

Hi, Mommy.

I didn't do it.

Are you telling me the truth?

No.

Rudy, why did you do this?

I wanted to see if Daddy
could look like a woman.

Well, um... he
doesn't look too bad.



[giggles]

Cliff? [laughs]

Cliff? [laughs]

Hey. How you doing?

Fine. [laughs]

What you laughing at?

Cliff, you are so beautiful.

And you're beautiful, too.

You are really beautiful.

Go to the mirror and look.

Why?

Just... go look.

I know what I look like.

I know, but I want you to see
the new and improved you.



And who do I have
to thank for this?

Me. Are you mad?

No, I just want to know why you
chose my face to express yourself.

I'm sorry. [laughs]

Where did you get
this makeup, Rudy?

It's Vanessa's.

This is Vanessa's makeup?

Yes, I got it out
of her school bag.

Really? I think I have to
have a little talk with Vanessa.

Well, I'll join you. No, Cliff.

I don't think this is the right time for
Vanessa to see the new and improved you.

Daddy?

Yes?

You look good.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Hello, Vanessa.

Hi, Mom.

How are you?

Great. How are you?

Oh, I'm fine.

Rudy found this
in your book bag.

She did?

Mm-hmm.

Well, Mom, you'll
have to talk to her.

She always goes
through my things.

It's an invasion of privacy.

You know what's in here?

Well... Vanessa?

It's makeup.

Now the rule in this house has
always been no makeup until you're 15.

15?

Vanessa, you knew that.

But you never said it to me.

Okay, I'm saying it to you now.

At your age, you
don't need makeup.

You just want to put it on
so you're gonna look older.

Now why are you
trying to grow up so fast?

Mom, I'm not.

I'm 13 years old. I'm
practically a woman.

You are not a woman.
You are a child.

I'm a young woman.

You are an old child.

Aren't I at least a
beginning woman?

Okay, Vanessa, okay,
you are a beginning woman.

So I need practice!

And at 15, you'll get all
the practice you need.

At 15.

That was the rule for Sondra.

That was the rule for Denise,
and that is the rule for you.

But, Mom, when Denise and
Sondra were 13, things were different.

The earthy look was in.

Sloppy clothes, no makeup.

But now everybody wears makeup.

I don't care.

Mother, all my friends
are wearing makeup.

Vanessa...

Rebecca's mother
let's her wear makeup.

I am not Rebecca's mother.

If you want to live with her
rules, fine, go live in her house.

Young lady, I do not want to
see you in makeup. Is that clear?

Yes, Mom. Good.

Life is so hard.

I know...

and you're just a
beginning woman.

Ah! Smells good.

Thank you.

It's vegetable stock. I'm
going to poach the fish in it.

Poach the... You need
something with a little zest in there.

No, Cliff.

Yes, it needs "Cliff’s down
home, good enough to eat by itself,

but tastes even better
with the lemon" fish sauce.

Cliff, you're not going to put
anything weird in this are you?

No. Just some lemon and sawdust.

Cliff.

No, no, I'm just kidding.

So, what happened with
you and Miss Vanessa?

I have to admit, at
13, I was just like that.

Really? Yes.

I almost drove my mother
crazy. I wanted to wear makeup.

I don't know why
it's always like that.

We always want to
be older than we are.

When we're 13, we want to be 16.

When we're 16, we want to be 18.

And when we're 18, we
can't wait until we're 21.

Never had that problem.

All I wanted to do was
just enjoy the age I was.

You never wanted to be older?

No, indeed.

Then why is it that when
you were 16 years old,

you showed up at my doorstep
dressed in one of your father's suits

with a hat pulled down over one eye
and a sad little moustache penciled in.

It had nothing to
do with looking old.

I wanted to look
like Duke Ellington.

You were cute.

- Really?
- Oh, yes.

You know I still have that
hat upstairs in the room.

You should wear it later.

I think I can
find the suit, too.

You won't need the suit.

I said... later.

[laughs]

Daddy, can I have a lemon?

Why? I wanna eat it.

Really? This is a lemon.

I know that.

Honey, aren't you
thinking about oranges?

No, I'm thinking of lemons.

Okay.

Mmm. Refreshing.

Rudy, go upstairs
and wash up for dinner.

All right.

That's your child. I know.

Have you seen the
fire extinguishers?

Why, son? Is there a fire?

No, I just need to
find the extinguisher.

Why?

See, in our health class.
We're studying fire prevention.

[Cliff] Yeah.

I have to draw a
plan of the house.

I have to show where we keep the
fire extinguishers and the smoke alarms.

That's a good assignment.

I found all the smoke alarms, but
I can't find any fire extinguishers.

Well, they're... they're in the
house. I know I bought them.

Do you know where they are?

Well, um...

there's one in each
car and then, uh...

See, Dad?

In a fire, you would not
have time to stop and think.

You should know exactly where
the fire extinguishers are at all times.

Yeah, well I... I mean,
I know where they are,

because, see, I
move them around...

so that the fire doesn't
know where they are.

Dad, this is serious.

As an authority
figure of this house...

Yeah, yeah...

you should make every
effort to understand fire safety.

You know, Theo is really right.
We should know more about this.

Well, I know fire safety.

Dad, that's what a
lot of people think.

Let me ask you this.

"True or false.

If a grease fire breaks out, you
should throw water on it immediately?"

True. Wrong, Dad.

Wrong? Water will
spread a grease fire.

I knew that.

You knew that?

I did know that. You're
supposed to use baking soda.

That's good, Mom.

Or you can use a
chemical-based fire extinguisher.

Okay. Ask me another question.

"On electrical fires, you should
always use a fire extinguisher?"

There you go. Always
use a fire extinguisher.

Wrong, Dad!

Wrong what?

Dad, it says here that some fire
extinguishers are water-based.

I knew that, too.

Well, you can know everything
after the answer's been given.

Give me this.

I'll ask you a question.

Okay? Okay.

"What are the three...

most important things you should
do to maintain your smoke alarm?"

- One, you should test it.
- Okay.

Two, you should charge the
batteries at least every year.

And three, you should vacuum
the smoke alarm every three months

to make sure it's free
from dust particles.

Wrong! No, Dad.

Wrong! Wrong!

Sounded right to me.

Oh, sure. Sounded right to you.

Sounded right to you.

You know, Mom, I think it would be a
good idea if this family had a fire drill.

I agree.

Yeah, well, as long as
you have it after dinner.

Well, Dad, it has
to be a surprise.

You know, son, there's
an old Roman saying:

"By age, not by knowledge,
do you acquire wisdom."

- Cliff?
- Yes, dear?

Wrong!

Wrong again?

Wrong again.

The saying is "not by age, but
by knowledge is wisdom acquired."

Thanks, Mom!

Why... do you always pick on me?

I'm sorry.

Sorry?

That's all right, I'm
going to move someplace

where people won't
make fun of me.

You better go alone.

What about eye shadow?

Nope.

How about blush?

Uh-uh.

Not even blush?

She said I can't wear
any makeup at all.

This must be the
worst day of your life.

Well, Rebecca,
this isn't the end.

It's a new beginning.

For what? My earthy look.

Vanessa, you can't
walk around like that.

Like what?

With your face naked.

Well, we did it last year.

We were only 12. We didn't
have our look together yet.

Look, Rebecca, my
mom was serious.

She said she doesn't
want to see me in makeup.

She said she doesn't want to
see you... and she won't see you.

You're here.

That is not what she meant.

That's what she said.

So, technically, you're
doing what she said.

I don't think so, Rebecca.

Look at this.
Ravishing Raspberry.

I don't know, Rebecca.

It's made by an Italian princess who has
a famous dermatology firm in New Jersey.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

This has dehydrated
raspberries and real Italian mud.

And since it is made
with raspberries,

I mean, it doesn't really
count as makeup, right?

Right.

Okay, I'll try a little.

You'll feel much better.

Hi. [both] Hi.

I just saw Chris Fonell in the hall.
He has his sleeves rolled up today.

[both] Oh!

Vanessa, that color's
hot on you. Thanks.

I have some blue eye shadow
that would look great with that.

Okay, let me see it.

You know, with a little
makeup, we almost look 15.

Sixteen. Sixteen and a half.

Whoo!

[vacuum cleaner on]

[turns vacuum cleaner off]

[alarm beeping]

[alarms stops]

Here you go, Dad.

Thank you.

No, son, this will not do it.

What do you mean?
There it is. Look at it.

Look at what? Dust.

Three little specks.

Hey, I'm a surgeon.

If I leave three little
specks in a patient,

you and I will be living
someplace where there's no rent.

Okay, Dad, I'll
do it over again.

I want you to clean it up and do a
good job and be thorough this time.

I'll be upstairs. You bring it up to
me and make sure you're thorough.

Dad? Yes, son?

Are you being like this because I
gave you a hard time about fire safety?

That's right.

[turns vacuum cleaner on]

Hey, Theo, what you doing?

Hi. I'm cleaning
the smoke alarm.

- How come?
- Well, it's because...

What's wrong?

Your face!

What about my face?

Well, you got some
junk around your eye.

I do? Yeah!

Oh, no.

Vanessa!

Are you wearing makeup?

I thought I got it all off.

Now, Vanessa, you know you
are not supposed to wear makeup.

Got to get some cream.
Mom's going to kill me.

You can't. Mom's up there.

You can wash it off in the sink.

I can't! It's waterproof!

Well, I could vacuum it off.

Theo, please,
you've got to help me.

Go upstairs to the bathroom
and get some cold cream.

For $5.00.

Theo, this is no
time to play around.

Okay, I'll do it for you then.

Thank you. [laughs]

Vanessa?

Vanessa, come here.

Hi, Mom.

Vanessa, you know I don't like
you wearing sunglasses in the house.

Okay. Vanessa?

Vanessa, come down here, please.

Look at me.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

You see, when a person
takes off her sunglasses,

it's amazing what you
can see around her eyes.

Mom, could I just say one thing?

Mm-hmm.

I didn't plan to put the makeup
on when I went to school.

I mean, I was just
talking to Rebecca,

and all of a sudden, I
had this stuff on my face.

It was like temporary insanity.

But if you look at my
record in this house,

you'll see I've never done
anything like this before.

And I promise I'll never
do anything like this again.

Are you finished?

Well, Mom, when you think of all
the things I could have been doing,

this is really nothing
at all... Vanessa.

Mom... Vanessa,
if you keep going,

I think you should know that every
single word you say from now on

is only going to
make me angrier.

You get your little self up those stairs
and don't come down here until I call you.

Yes, Ma.

100... 99... 98... 97...

Oh! You're counting. 96...

Yes, I am. 95...
Who? Who did it? 94...

Vanessa. 93... What?

After all I went through
with her yesterday,

she has the nerve to show up in
this house today with makeup on.

- No, she didn't.
- Yes, she did. 92...

Made me so angry,
I sent her upstairs.

I told her not to show her
face until I call her name.

Good idea.

Why is it always like
this when they're 13?

I've been through three of these girls,
and it's the same thing all the time.

Thirteen, makeup.

I have good news for you.

You only have one
more to go with Rudy.

Cliff, I think when
Rudy gets to be 13,

we should run away from home.

[laughs]

Because I'm going to be
too old to live through this.

No, I think we ought to bring
Rudy down here right now,

put some makeup on
her and start yelling at her.

[knock on door]

Come in.

What happened?

Nothing. Nothing?
She let you off?

No, she told me to come up
here and wait until she calls me.

- Whoa.
- What?

Well, that means she's so
mad, she needs time to cool off.

- It does?
- Yep.

She only did it with me once.

It was the time I put her
watch in the dishwasher

because I wanted to see if it was going
to be waterproof like the commercial.

When did you do that?

When I was 13.

Well, I don't think what I
did is as bad as all that.

I don't know, Vanessa.

She did tell you not to
wear makeup and you did.

She never told me I couldn't
put her watch in the dishwasher.

[knock on door]

[hums Dragnet theme]

What's going on?

Nothing, Rudy. I think
you should leave, okay?

Why?

Mom caught Vanessa with makeup
and she's on her way up here.

You're not supposed
to wear makeup.

Rudy, get out, okay?

Rudy, I think you better go.

When are we going
to have the fire drill?

Fire drill! That's a great
idea. Let's have it now.

Vanessa, a fire drill would only
postpone your date with doom.

[pounding on door]

Hi.

Hi.

Vanessa, we'd like
to speak with you.

Good luck.

Rudy, please leave.

Oh, Mommy! You always say that.

We always mean it.

Can I just say one thing?

One short thing.

I did it. I'm sorry. And
I should be punished.

We know it. We
accept. And you will be.

But I just have to say
this: It wasn't my fault.

It wasn't your fault? No.

I went to school saying I'm
not going to wear makeup,

and then Rebecca comes in
and tells me how much I need it.

And you believed her?

Well, no. But when Michelle
came in and told me the same thing,

I mean, they practically
forced me to wear it.

Are you telling me that
you were in the bathroom

and these two girls came in with
some mascara and some brushes

and threw you down on the floor
and put makeup all over your face

and said, "We don't care
what your mother said.

You're going to
wear this makeup."

No.

Well, Vanessa, we didn't come
up here to talk about makeup.

You didn't?

No, we came up here
to talk about rules.

Your father and I make
the rules for this house,

and we expect
you to follow them.

We don't make these
rules to spoil your fun.

We make them because
we think they're good for you.

Now whether you
agree with them or not,

a rule is a rule.

You were told not to do
something, and you did it anyway.

And I don't ever want
to see that happen again.

It won't, Mom.

Cliff, you have anything to add?

Yeah. See, I think...

I'm sorry, Mom. I'm sorry.

I know.

See... [Clair] And I love you.

I love you, too, Mommy.

But you're grounded for a year.

A year?

I'll settle for a week.

[sighs]

And that's all I have to say.

Well, I just said good
night to Vanessa.

How is she?

Pitiful!

First of all, I don't know
who made up grounding,

but I'm sure they didn't
have any children at all.

And I think that the next
time you and I ground a child,

we do it at somebody else's
house and leave the child there.

Cliff, we survived other
groundings, we'll survive this one.

I hope so.

[Theo, making bell noise] Fire
drill! If you hear the alarm, yell.

[Rudy] I hear it. I hear it.

[Vanessa] I hear it!

Come on, Mom,
let's go. We gotta go.

Okay, okay.

- Where's Dad?
- He's in the bathroom.

Dad, come on! Beep, beep, beep.

Come on, let's go. Fire drill!

Dad! Come on, let's go!

Beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep.

[Cliff] What?

Come on! Fire drill!

So what?

Dad, you have to
leave the house.

I'm busy!

Dad, come on. I'm timing this.

Is the house on fire? No.

Well, when it is, let me know.

Come on, Dad, I'm serious.

How come when your mother's
in here, no one bothers her?

Every time I'm in this
place, there's a parade.

Please get downstairs
as soon as you can.

Go ahead. I do not care!

Hey, what are you guys doing?

If there was a fire, you
would not be inside the house.

It's cold outside.

Can we just sit on the stoop?

Sure, but come on, let's go.

Where's Daddy?

We can't wait for him. Come on.

[Theo] 54 seconds.
Not bad for the first try.

[Vanessa] I'm cold.

[Clair] Okay, Theo,
open the door.

[Theo] Okay, we've been here
long enough. The fire drill is now over.

[Clair] Thank you.

Theo, use your key.

My key? Yes.

You did bring your key.

No.

[Vanessa] You mean you
brought us out here in the cold

and you don't have a key?

Quit complaining. I
just saved your life.

[all talking]

[Clair] All right, all right,
let's not fight about this.

Just ring the doorbell, child,

for your father to come down
here and open up this door.

[doorbell rings]

Cliff?

[Theo] Dad!

[all shouting, doorbell ringing]

[Theo] It's cold out
here, Dad. Come on.

[Clair] All right,
all right, all right.

Let's not disturb the
entire neighborhood.

Vanessa, run around
and check the back door.

Theo, check the basement window.

And you and I will check
the windows here on this floor.

Okay.

I'll make the fire
drill complete.

Okay, I'm here.

[Clair] Cliff,
don't close the...

[Clair] Oh, Cliff.

♪♪ [theme]

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