The Conners (2018–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - The Dog Days of Christmas - full transcript

Oh, come on. How hard is it?
There's three letters left.

"Walk in the pool".

"Walk in the park"?

The club we were playing at

had bad electrical
and a-a leaky roof.

Yeah.

As soon as my bass
player started screaming,

I thought he was
just rocking out.

Turns out he was
being electrocuted.

No. No, he's fine. He's fine.

He kind of enjoyed it.



Okay, Mom, I gotta go.

Bye. Bye.

You had to be talking to my mom.

Your mom is dead.

Still more likely to
call you than your mom.

Yeah, it's like
once every 10 years.

But, you know, ever since
my brother Aaron died,

she's been reaching out more.

Wish I'd gone first.

Then she'd be bugging him.

I'm glad your tour brought you
home for a couple of nights.

I've been missing you
the last three weeks.

Yeah.

I can't believe
it's only half over.



And the next eight weeks are
all these clubs in the boonies.

Wow.

I've never heard you complain
about the road before.

Usually, you come home all
jacked up from performing

and try to have
your way with me.

Where's that Louise?

She's burned out.

You know, I still
love playing music,

but being away from home
and driving all those miles,

trying to get deadbeat
promoters to pay us...

It's getting old.

Doesn't sound like
any walk in the pool.

It's a very common expression.

Oh, God.

I haven't seen you in
weeks, and I come in

and the first thing
I do is complain.

Hey, honey, you don't
have to apologize.

You've been out there
busting your ass

most of your adult life.

Everybody hangs it
up at some point.

Mm.

Not Willie Nelson.

Well, Willie doesn't
even know where he is.

He thinks there's 3,000
people in his living room.

Captions by VITAC...

"The Conners" is recorded
before a live studio audience.

Where'd you get all
these decorations?

I stole them from Dad's house,

'cause that's what
Christmas is all about.

It's the season of giving,
even if you don't know you are.

Well, next time you're at Dad's,

steal something good for
Emilio's wedding this weekend.

I haven't gotten him a gift yet.

Oh, well, do you
think his new bride

will like an old heating pad
or a chipped bowling ball?

Look, since you're going,

just put my name on
whatever crap you find.

Oh, but wrap it nice. He's
the father of my child.

Just you showing up
should be enough.

You got him a green
card and a kid.

You're not gonna top
that with an air fryer.

I'm sending Beverly
Rose to go without me.

It's humiliating going to
your ex-husband's wedding

without a date.

If I did go, you know
that that bouquet

would hit me right in the
head and everyone would say,

"Maybe she won't die
alone after all."

I threw mine at you hoping
that they would say that,

but all they said was,

"The hot one should be
marrying Ben, not the sad one."

People are still saying that.

Beverly Rose, come on!

Time to go to school!

Why are you dressed like that?

Woof! I'm a dog.

And you're a cute one, but you
can't wear that to picture day.

Woof!

I'm serious, Beverly
Rose. You gotta go change.

I'm
not Beverly Rose.

I'm Pancake.

Aww, that is such
a cute dog name.

Good girl.

Stop that!

Look, this is your first
school picture, sweetheart,

and it's got to tell the world

that Mommy's doing a
great job raising you.

Otherwise, there's
no point in it.

I thought the point
is that Pancake

will have an enduring memory

that she can show her
puppies when she's older.

Beverly Rose, go change.

Beverly Rose, we're
going to be late.

Not her name.

Fine. Come on, Pancake.

Let's go for a ride.

Open the window so she
can stick her head out.

They like to feel their
jowls flap in the wind.

This was so nice. Thank you.

That candle smells
really pretty.

When did you get it?

It's my bathroom candle.

Who the hell knocks on the
door at this time of night?

If it's a burglar,

stall him until I can
get renter's insurance.

Oh, my God.

It's worse than a burglar.

It's my mother.

Surprise!

Mom, what are you doing here?

You sounded so down
about your career

that I thought you
might just need

a little bit of Mom's
famous Apple Brown Betty

to cheer you up!

Well,
okay. Uh, come on in.

Dan, this is my mother, Doris.

Uh, Mom, this is Dan.

He's the guy I married at that
wedding you didn't come to.

I wanted to, but your
father wouldn't let me.

He said, "If we're gonna
drive all the way to Chicago,

we're going to go see the Bean

and not Louise shacking
up with some drywaller."

Charmed, I'm sure.

It really is nice to
finally meet you, Doris.

And Betty and I go way back.

So, Mom, w-what...
What's going on?

You didn't drive all
the way from Wisconsin

just to bring me dessert.

Well, I can't just stop by?

Uh, it's only a few hours away.

I know my night vision is
not as good as it used to be,

but I find if I
stay to the right

of the oncoming
headlights, I'm fine.

What about pedestrians
and bicycle riders?

You feel any bump-bumps
on the way over?

No.

I could drive over
a marching band

and not feel a thing in that RV.

You and Daddy got an RV?

I mean, you were having so
much trouble on the tour

that I made him buy
it so that I could

make your life a little
bit better on the road.

You're giving me an
RV to drive on tour?

No.

I'm gonna keep you company.

I'm driving so you can relax.

Oh. Oh.

Nothing more soothing
than a blind woman

trying to keep a small house
out of oncoming traffic.

Yeah, so, uh, after
all this time,

you and Daddy are finally
okay with my career?

Well, I am.

He's not. I don't care.

After your brother died,
I did some soul-searching

and I realized I should have

stood up to your dad
and supported you.

And if he didn't
like it, too bad.

Just think, no
more crummy hotels,

and you won't have to
worry about promoters.

I'll make sure you get paid.

That's a
sweet thought, Doris,

but some of those club
owners can be pretty rough.

How are you gonna get
the money out of them?

No problem.

"Oh, somebody help me.

Oh, this man won't
give me my money,

and if I don't have
money for my medicine,

they're going to
take my foot."

Whoa. That was really good.

I really thought she
was gonna lose her foot.

You
know, this is crazy.

Dan and I were just talking
about me getting off the road.

Yeah, Louise is kind of over it.

Unfortunate timing.

Yeah, but if I could
just play and not hassle

with all this other stuff, it
might go back to being fun.

Y-You know what's super fun?

Is caroling and Christmas
puppies and rum.

I could get a candle that
just stays in the living room.

You wanna see the RV?

Yeah, I do.

Honey, don't worry.

I'll take a break from the road
and come home for Christmas.

This is crazy.

I got my mom back, Dan.

Hi.

Oh, hey, Jackie.

Wow.

Word of mouth really got
out about this place.

Well, Lunch Box is
closed on Mondays

and Neville's at
a vet conference.

He's presenting a new tool
for expressing anal glands.

So if you still use your fingers
now, you're just a weirdo.

What are you doing here?

I'm avoiding our mother-in-law.

Oh, man. Oh, she must
be some piece of work,

'cause Neville would
rather squeeze a dog's ass

in Des Moines than be
here while she's here.

All I know is Louise has
only talked to her mother

like four times in three decades

since they fought
about her music,

then out of the blue, the
woman shows up with an RV

to go on tour with her.

That's weird, right?

Oh, yeah. Something
going on there.

I don't know.

I've seen you ever day for years
and you never get me anything.

Some people would
say that's weird.

There you go. Dry
your eyes with that.

Where's Beverly Rose?

I got her a flower girl
dress for the wedding.

Look how cute it is.

Yeah, that's really sweet.

I don't know if she's
gonna put it on.

She's still a dog.

I think when she sees this, all
that dog nonsense will be over.

Pancake! Come here, girl!

Hey, sweetie.

Look what I bought you to
wear to your dad's wedding.

Isn't it gorgeous?

You want to try it on?

Beverly Rose, stop that!

Pancake! Leave
it!

Leave it!

Sorry, I'm just trying to
work with what I got here.

You cannot be a dog at
your father's wedding.

You're a little girl,

and it's time for
you to act like that.

It's enough now.

Anybody want a kid?

She's been doing this for days,
and the wedding's this weekend.

I don't know what to do.

Worst comes to worst,
she doesn't go.

Tell people you left the
gate open and she got out.

Would you guys knock it off?

It's really upsetting when
you can't control your kid.

She could have distemper.
Has she had her shots?

Aw.

I think we might have
crossed the line.

Well, yeah.

That's where all the fun is,
on the other side of the line.

Boy, that is some beautiful
RV you got out there.

That's a big investment
for eight weeks.

You and Louise could go
for months in that thing.

Mm-hmm. From your
mouth to God's ears.

Every parent's dream.

I hope you don't mind, but
I got the keys from Louise

and went inside and took a look.

I really like that
captain's chair.

I felt like a white
trash Captain Picard.

I also found something
interesting in there.

It's the registration
for the RV.

You said you and your
husband bought it together,

but it's only got
your name on it.

It's the 21st century.

Women are allowed to
own things, Hagar.

Yeah, but why did you put
it in your maiden name?

Oh, God, tell me
what's on your mind.

It couldn't take long.

You're lying to Louise.

You didn't come because you
wanted to support her music,

and you never stood
up to your husband.

You're here because
you killed him.

I love cop shows.

I just always
wanted to say that.

Seriously, what the
hell's going on, Doris?

Okay, if you have to know,

my husband left me, and
it's none of your business.

I know that you and
her dad splitting up

is definitely Louise's business,

and you got all
up in my business

by trying to take my wife
away so you wouldn't be alone.

I'll admit it.

I tried to make the
wrong relationship work

and now I'm alone.

You've had her for
a few years, Dan.

I haven't had her for 30.

Can't you spare a few?

I get being alone.
I lost a spouse.

But at my age, time is precious,

and I want to spend all of
it that I can with Louise.

At your age?

Did you have your
third birthday party

ruined by the
Hindenburg disaster?

Did you ever try to get kids
to pin the tail on the donkey

when some yo-yo on the radio is
yelling, "Oh, the humanity"?!

Look, we both know
what's going on.

Do the right thing.

Hey.

If you have more jokes about

what a terrible
mother/dog owner I am,

save them.

I know.

Look, I just wanted
to let you know

that every parent goes
through something like this.

I mean, Mom went through almost
the same exact thing with me.

Remember when I kept
barking in fifth grade?

Yeah, I remember.

I kept asking people,
"Who's that weird only child

that happens to share my
very common last name?"

Well, I remember Mom asking
me why I was doing it

and I said it was because I
was bored in class, but I lied.

About what?

Well, everybody had to get
up and give an oral report

on what their family
did for summer vacation.

Was that the year that
Dad put the plastic liner

in the back of the pickup
and filled it with water?

Yeah, and then he drove
it to the park and said,

"You kids enjoy the lake."

So I pretended to be a dog

to avoid having to get up
in front of my entire class

to tell everybody that my family
spent their summer vacation

in the back of a truck.

Okay.

So what's Beverly Rose avoiding?

I don't know. I
just had the story.

A good mom would
figure that out.

Alright, it wasn't school,

because she went and
took the picture.

Mm-hmm. Um, she's never
had more playdates.

The only thing that
she didn't like...

was the flower girl dress.

Holy crap.

It's Emilio's wedding.

Hmm.

She doesn't want to
see her dad get married

to someone other than her mommy.

Oh, my God.

It would kill Emilio
if she wasn't there.

I got to talk to her.

I gotta tell her it's
okay to have two mommies.

One that loves her,

and one that's Daddy's sad
little consolation prize.

And that's when Louise
almost got on "Star Search".

Wow, Doris, we have really
taken a stroll down memory lane.

But I would love
to hear that story

you started telling me earlier.

Oh, that old thing?

I-I don't think anyone's
really interested in that.

Uh, I am.

I could tell it,

but I don't think I could
do it as good as you.

Well, now that you've
built it all up,

I don't think it could possibly
measure up to that hype.

Okay, um...

your father left me.

You know, Elvis
bought me a Coke once.

W-W-Wait.

Mom, what are you talking about?

Dad left me for a woman
with both her original hips.

She also does Pilates,
which is kinda slutty.

Well, w-when did this happen?

Last year.

Yeah, but we've been talking
on the phone, and you...

You've been here for two
days and you've said nothing.

I-I was going to tell you
when we were out on the road.

You mean in the RV
you used to trick me

into thinking you were
supporting my music career?

I do support your career.

And now that Dad's gone, I've
got the time to show you.

No.

This isn't about me.

It's about you.

And now that Dad's
gone, you're lonely.

That's the only
reason you're here.

Look, I know I
handled this badly,

but I believe that you and I...

You and I are nothing,
just like we always were.

Okay, why don't
we take a breath?

I made a mistake.

Can't we move past it?

A mistake is, "Oops, I
spilled something on the rug,"

not "I'm disowning my
18-year-old daughter

for wanting to play
rock 'n' roll."

Here, let me return the favor.

Pack your stuff and get out.

Honey, I know you're upset,

but do you really want
to throw your mom out?

What, now you're
taking her side?

No, I'm remembering
how excited you were

when you thought
you had her back.

You only get one mom.

I regret to inform
you that that's her.

Wow, Dan.

I'm speechless.

Maybe you go on tour together
for a few months and...

And work everything out.

Y-You know what makes
your wife happy?

Keep it G-rated. Your
mom's right there.

You.

And I want to spend as much
time as I can with you.

But... you're right.

I'm gonna finish the tour.

But then it's you
and me forever.

Oh, back off.
You're so clingy.

And if you wanna drive me around

and cook for me on tour, fine.

But you're gonna have
to carry my amps, too.

Sure.

If you're good, I'm good.

I'm good. Yeah.

Maybe when you come
back for Christmas,

you could stay at the house.

It's usually a lot more festive,

but my daughter stole
all of my decorations,

which is weird, because
she's an atheist.

They don't want
anybody to be happy.

Oh, uh, I thought
you were at work.

Ah, Darlene, this is
Doris, Louise's mother.

Hi. Hi.

What's in the box?

I brought you some
Christmas decorations.

Have you no shame, Senator?

Nah, not much.

That's the beauty
of being an atheist.

I don't have to follow
your commandments.

I can lie, I can steal, I can
covet till the cows come home.

Merry Christmas and goodbye.

I think I know why you're a dog.

You do?

Yeah.

A dog can't wear a dress
and go to a wedding.

Are you upset about
Daddy getting married?

Kind of.

Are you afraid that Gabriela
is gonna replace Mommy?

No.

Are you sure?

Because Mommy had a
big speech planned

about how no one
can replace Mommy.

It's a great speech.

No.

Then why don't you want
to go to the wedding?

Because I heard you say you didn't
want to go to Daddy's wedding

because it would make you sad.

Oh, sweetie.

I didn't say that.

I didn't want to go because
I don't have a date.

But the most important thing is,

Daddy wants you to be
there on his special day.

I'm not going unless you go.

This is why people take
dogs back to the shelter.

I'll go.

But you know what I want
you to whisper really loudly

when Gabriela walks
down the aisle?

"You're so much
prettier than her"?

I am raising you right!

Welcome to The Lunch Box.

We're having a special
today for the holidays.

It's a sandwich that we
call the Ho-Ho-Hoagie.

Jackie?

Yeah.

I'm Doris. I'm Neville
and Louise's mom.

Oh. Okay.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

I don't know whether
Dan told you,

but I'm going on
tour with Louise,

and I thought when I'm done,
Neville might be interested

in going on a road trip to
see all the zoos in America.

Mm-hmm.

Um...

Don't you dare try and pull
that crap with me, honey,

'cause I have danced with the
devil in the pale moonlight.

You mess with my
marriage, I end you.

So, uh...

you want me to call
you "Mom" or what?