The Conners (2018–…): Season 5, Episode 9 - Crumbs and Couch Surfers - full transcript

Hello.

I'd like to know your name
because I'm going to have

to tell the police who I shot.

I'm Kai.

It means "ocean."

I'm Dan. It means, "What the
hell are you doing here?"

I'm a friend of Harris's.

Actually, we've been seeing
each other for a few weeks.

Grandpa, hey. This is Kai.

He needed a place to stay,

so I told him he could
spend a few nights here.



Well, the place does give off
a "flop house" kind of vibe.

But before I say yes,

tell me something
about yourself.

Well, I'm in a season of
growth and transformation...

Just the bullet points, Ocean.

I grew up with money,

but I found it
was corrupting me,

so I rejected it and turned
to a life on the road.

I'm gaining
authentic experiences

instead of trying to
buy my way to happiness.

I'm not hearing "job"
anywhere in there.

How can you afford to travel?

I meet a lot of good souls
along the way, like...

Like your amazing
granddaughter, Harris.



And when I don't, I hop trains

and eat perfectly good food
that people throw away.

Okay, I get it.

You're a commie hobo
with a goofy hat.

No.

Kai is just a-a free
spirit who writes poetry.

Actually, I met him
outside the tattoo shop,

and he traded me a
poem for a tattoo.

Somehow you got screwed
twice on that deal.

Louise, this is Kai.

He's gonna be staying
over for a little bit.

Cool. Nice to meet you, Kai.

Help yourself to
anything in the fridge.

Oh, except the, uh, bologna log.

It belongs to this guy.

He measures it every night
before he goes to bed.

14 and 5/8.

Here, you should wear this.

It's sunny, but it's cold out.

Where are you guys headed?

The forest preserve.
It's a nice day out,

so we're gonna go expose
our perineums to the sun.

The perineum is an area that
doesn't get much sun exposure,

yet it's a tender barrier
to parts of the body

that need vitamin D.

Yeah. Can't you just
go in the bathroom

and squat over a flashlight?

Okay, no family that
gets all of its vitamins

from fortified Lucky Charms
is going to understand this.

See you guys later.

Have a magical day.

What are you doing?

I'm saging.

There used to be a
funeral home here,

so it's important to make sure
all the bad spirits are gone.

Hold on.

Darlene?

Yep? It's not working.

You're just driving the bad
spirits into the kitchen.

Whoa, look at that. What?

It's your rent going up.

Oh. The delivery
guys are coming.

Yes! The new couch is here.

You can just put it there
right in front of the TV.

Bold choice. Maybe
that will catch on.

Would you like us to
unwrap it? No, no.

Uh, it's my first new couch,
so I want to unwrap it myself.

Slowly. Gently.

Maybe light a candle,
put on some music.

She just tells me
to, "Lose the pants."

Yeah!

Hey, let's break
this baby in, huh?

I'll unwrap it, you
guys order a pizza,

we'll take a little TV break
before we unpack anything else.

I... Unh-unh. Oh.

New rule... no eating or
drinking on the couch.

And no sleeping in bed or
getting wet in the shower.

No
sitting in chairs,

no standing when
you walk.

I'm... I'm serious.

Everything else in here
is stuff we already had.

This is new, so for once

let's not trash it up
the minute we get it.

But we always eat and
watch TV on the couch.

And now we're gonna do
what most families do.

We'll eat at the table
and talk about our day.

Ew. Haven't you been
paying attention?

Our lives suck.

How about a compromise?

We'll eat on the couch and
you'll eat at the table

and tell yourself
about your day.

Show of hands?

O-Okay, here's my compromise...

No one eats or drinks
on the couch, ever...

And?

And Becky and Mark don't have
to go live under a bridge.

And you do not have
to go with them.

Hands?

The people have spoken.

All I can do is go
along with them.

Captions by VITAC...

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live
studio audience.

Alright, you and I need to
have a little talk about Kai.

Why? What's up?

Your man took the weed
that was drying out

in the basement and left this...

"Sweet gange underground.

A fertile crop of friendship.

A sweet new bud's bud."

Ah. What the hell?

It's just a haiku.

Can I smoke it?

'Cause I really needed that
weed for my bad shoulder.

The weed is half mine anyways
because I grow it with you.

So, let's just say
he took my half.

We're dating, it's
really not a big deal.

I don't care if she likes him.

He's gotta go.

Not only is the weed a problem,

there's 1/8 of an inch
missing off my bologna.

Yeah, I agree what the
guy did was sketch.

But you gotta come at
Harris a different way.

I'll talk to her tonight
after band practice.

Aw, you don't have to do that.

It's gonna be rough.

She's used to being mad at me.

Harris and I are
building a relationship.

And she'll be a lot less
defensive hearing it from me.

Okay, you remember that guy
that thought he was building

a special relationship
with the grizzly bears?

He said, "I'm your friend."

What the grizzly
bears heard was,

"Pull my head off.
It's delicious."

Chip me.

Are you guys really
gonna keep doing this?

Darlene's just treating this
couch like it's a new car.

After the first ding,
she'll chill out.

No, this is different.

Before she went to bed, she
said, "Good night. I love you."

I was in the room, but I knew
she was talking to the couch.

- She's home!
- Oh! Okay.

Uh, Beverly Rose,
this is not a drill.

I need your beer, Grandpa.

Grandpa needs it more, sweetie.

You gotta lose the beer, Dad.

A drifter took my weed,
I'm keeping my beer.

Oh. Oh, hey, gurl!

Hey, what's shakin', bacon?

Where you gals been?

So, somebody left their
Costco card at The Lunch Box.

We took it for a spin.

Darlene got some stuff
for the new house

and, Dan, I got you that 25
pound wheel of Parmesan Cheese.

Dad, I don't know if you heard,

but I'm not letting my new
couch get trashed up, so...

I have heard, and
I'm not doing it.

Sooner or later
something's gonna happen

to this couch, Darlene.

You need to accept that now.

Look, my house, my rules.

Ho, ho, ho.

I said that to you kids
your entire childhood.

Now it's my turn to say,
"You suck, and I hate you.

You're, like,
ruining my life."

I'm not kidding, Dad.

You better be.

I built you this house, and
now you're gonna tell me

that I can't make
myself at home here?

Yes. I've seen what it looks
like when you feel "at home."

I-I don't want my house
to look like yours.

You know what?

I don't need this.

I'm taking my friend, Beer,

and we're going to
go back to my house

where I can watch TV
the way I always have.

Jackie, would you
please drive me home

because I have enjoyed
four other friends

on an empty stomach.

Isn't it great we can
both watch a scary movie

at the same time on our phones?

Yeah, the only
thing that's a little annoying

is that it's not
at the same time.

You're seeing it three
seconds before me.

Oh, my God!

Two... three...

And there's a human
foot in the freezer.

It's ridiculous that
Darlene is doing this.

You should be here
watching this with me.

Hey.

Gotta go, Dad.

Uh... What the hell, Ben?!

Here! Damn it!

See, this is what happens...

when you have to sneak
around your own house.

Shh! You're gonna
wake Darlene up.

The stain is not coming out.

What are we gonna do?

I don't see any alternative.

We have to burn the house down.

No, no.

She's just gonna
run into the flames

to save the couch,
see the stain,

and we're never gonna
hear the end of it.

I say we pin it on Beverly Rose.

Hey! That's my daughter
you're talking about.

And that's why I'm
glad you said it first.

Let's do it.

Okay, good. Good.

So you just gotta
help me plan it out.

Uh, Beverly Rose has been eating

a lot of bananas
lately, right? Yeah.

Okay, so let's
take some of those

and we'll smash them into
the carpet right here,

'cause I don't want her
talking her way out of this!

Uh, where's Kai?

He's at a 24-hour printer

getting his poetry
bound into books.

Oh, it's so cute
how he leaves a poem

every time he takes anything.

I'm glad you like him.

I do.

And I think there's a
way to smooth things out

between him and your grandpa.

If he just follows a
couple of house rules.

Oh, and maybe pays
him back for that weed

when he sells some of the books.

Oh, he's not selling those,
he's giving them away.

He believes art
belongs to the people.

Yeah, usually after
they pay for it.

How is he, uh, able
to print copies?

He doesn't have a job.

I gave him a little
bit of money.

How much?

I don't know, 100 bucks.

$100?

Yeah.

I mean, I'm getting a
lot back in return...

He's sweet and cool
and I haven't had that

since I broke up with Aldo.

You know, I dated a lot
of cool, artsy guys,

and they tend to be pretty
irresponsible with money.

Do you know the difference
between a drummer

and a large pizza?

A pizza can feed
a family of four.

What are you saying?

That he's taking
advantage of me?

No, no, no, I'm just saying
that you might be overlooking

some of the red flags.

You know, like... like stealing
and taking money from you

without knowing how
to pay you back.

Uh, convincing you to pull
your pants down in the forest

so you could get some vitamin D.

Oh, my God, stop.

You're twisting everything
around to make him sound bad.

No, no, I'm not
twisting anything.

I'm telling you the truth.

You don't know
anything about us.

Plus, I don't need to
be judged by someone

who didn't have a
real relationship

till she was in her sixties.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

Fine.

I'm out.

But don't come crying
to me when he disappears

and leaves you nothing
but a crappy book of poems

that you paid for.

They're not just poems!

Some of them are
lyrics to a rock opera

he's letting me produce!

Beverly Rose.

Beverly Rose.

How did I get here?

What, you didn't
fall asleep here?

No.

Okay, let's figure this out.

What is the last
thing you do remember?

I was in my bed.

And I had a dream that
Mommy was carrying me,

and she talked to a wolf that
sounded like Ben... Mm-hmm.

And the wolf smelled
like bananas.

Ben?! Becky?! Get
in this living room!

You should be ashamed
of yourselves.

Well, we are.

About a lot of things.

Uh, I'd rather not be specific
until we know what you know.

You clearly used
an innocent child

to cover your inability to
follow the simplest rules.

Oh, that.

Yeah.

Um, I wouldn't say ashamed

so much as wishing
I'd done it better.

Come on.

Good luck, Ben. Yeah.

Well, if you don't see
me for a couple of days,

check the yard for a
meticulously dug grave

with no crumbs on it.

God, you ruined my sofa, Ben.

Okay.

See, "my sofa" is where
we have a problem,

because it's my sofa, too.

And you bought a white
couch for God's sakes.

I mean, you gotta get over this.

And I thought you got a handle

on your whole
control freak thing.

Look, we spilled because
you made us nervous,

and then when we tried to
clean it, it made it worse.

This is crazy!

You know what?

Why don't you and
your banana-wolf face

take all your purple juices
and your greasy snacks

and your dark, sweaty
pants, and your...

Your pens that you cavalierly
leave the caps off of

and go to my dad's house,

because he has no problem
with people staining his couch

because he's not "crazy"!

So the couch is more
important than me?

You're gonna kick me out of
my own house over a couch?

No, I'm kicking you out
because there was one thing

that was important to me
and you cannot respect that.

Fine, fine.

I hope you two are
very happy together,

and, you know, I can't wait
to read your obituary...

"She is survived by
her stain-free couch."

And matching ottoman.

I heard about the spill.

Don't you start too.

Everybody thinks I'm crazy

for acting this
way about a couch.

Ben thinks I value it more
than our relationship.

Well, uh, the
couch is still here

and Ben's not, so
something's going on.

I don't know how this blew
up into such a huge thing.

All I wanted was to
keep my couch nice.

Why do you think that is?

Jackie, don't try to shrink me.

I wouldn't dare,
you're small enough.

But I think we need
to get to the bottom

of why you're so
obsessed with this couch

that you've driven away your
husband and your father.

I think obsessed
is a little harsh.

Give me that.

Okay, I'm obsessed.

I don't know why, though.

It's like when I lived
in Chicago with the kids,

I literally pulled my
couch up off of the curb

and it was okay.

But I guess I was
just starting out,

and I-I thought I'd be a success

and that one day,

there would be this
magical new couch.

Yeah, and you got it.

We're sitting on a magic couch.

But what if it's the last couch?

I mean, what if there is no more
magic furniture in my future?

You know, when I made
manager at Wellman, I...

I thought, "Well, this is what
life is gonna be like now.

And I'm gonna keep climbing."

And then I lost that job,

and I just cannot
find another one.

So you're just worried
that this was all a fluke

and you're not worth what
you thought you were.

What if it's true?

Oh, my... I actually got one.

Oh, my God.

I mean, this is a
deep-seated fear

and that's really sad,

but let's not lose
sight of the fact

that I actually got one.

Having a really hard
time being happy for you.

Well, see, that's because
you're catastrophizing.

That's the old negative Darlene
popping up and telling you

that just because you
lost one really great job,

you're never gonna
get another one.

So you do think I'm gonna
get another great job?

Of course I do.

But you've got to
fix things with Ben,

'cause I'm just gonna say it...

Everybody thinks that
the odds of you getting

another husband
that looks like him?

Slim to none!

Hi. Hey.

Where are your books?

I want to show Louise
how cool they are.

Oh, I didn't get them printed.

I was gonna, but I was
booking it down the street

on my skateboard,
racing a school bus,

and then this little sign
came out that said "stop,"

and my face did, but
my skateboard didn't.

Anyways, I lost my earbuds
and had to buy new ones.

So you... you spent the
whole 100 bucks on earbuds?

I wish they were only 100 bucks.

I had to take 40 more
out of your wallet.

What?

You took money out of my wallet?

Since when do you care
so much about money?

I thought that didn't
matter with us.

I'd give you anything I have.

Well, that's easy for you to
say, you don't have anything.

I could've used that
money for rent or...

Or my share of
the utility bills.

Fine. I-I'll pay you back.

Anger is like a cold
wind, chilling your bones.

Anger is hot,
everybody knows that.

Your poems suck.

You stole from me and
took advantage of me.

You gotta find
somewhere else to stay.

This isn't working
for me anymore.

You can't just kick me out.

Yes, I can.

No, you can't.

Legally you can't
make a guest leave

without 30 days' notice.

Alright, alright,
what's going on?

You were right about Kai.

He stole money from me,
and now he won't leave.

Finish your lunch,
Kai. You're leaving.

I'll leave when I'm ready to go.

Unless you're gonna
pay for a motel.

I'll get my checkbook.

I don't have a checking account.

Oh, it's alright.

I don't have a check.

You're not gonna hit
me. You'll go to jail.

What the hell, lady?

You're an intruder. That
was a warm-up swing.

I'm not leaving
because I'm scared,

I'm leaving because the
universe says it's time.

Don't let the universe hit
you in the ass on the way out!

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

I'm all just kind of amped
up from threatening that guy.

Whew.

Idea... how about we
smoke Grandpa's half

of the weed to level out?

And we can write a crappy
poem, blame it on Kai.

Well, if we're gonna do that,
we're gonna get the munchies,

so why don't we blame him for
14 inches of bologna log, too?

It's Darlene with
your food delivery.

Oh, who's not getting
their pizza tonight?

No one.

I bought it because I feel bad.

I'm sorry for acting so
crazy about the couch,

but I talked about
it with Jackie,

and I figured out why.

And also, I did steal that,

so I probably should talk about
that with Jackie, as well.

Anyway, I'm glad
Jackie helped you

work your way through this,

because it's not the
worst thing in the world

if your couch gets stained.

Your mom and I looked
at them as memories.

Mm.

Right there is where Becky cried
when she had a skinned knee,

then she realized she was
made of tougher stuff.

Over there is where I
dumped an entire beer

watching the Bears win the
Super Bowl.

And Ben's sitting where
your mom's water broke

when she had you.

Might've mentioned that when
I was face-down napping there.

Uh-oh, crumbs
between the cushions!

No big deal.

Oh, cheese dust on my fingers.

I get what you guys are
doing, and I'm not pretending.

I've made peace that the
couch is gonna get stained,

and that's okay.

Sorry, guys, I fixed her.

I'm just that good.

So proud of you.

You really worked through this.