The Cleveland Show (2009–2013): Season 2, Episode 5 - Little Man on Campus - full transcript
Coach Cleveland gets greedy to win the high school baseball state championship game and turns to cheating when his star pitcher goes out for the season, so he recruits Holt to pose as a transfer student to help lead the Growlers to the State Champs. When Cleveland realizes the poor example he set for Junior, he feels the need to clear his conscience.
My name is Cleveland Brown
And I am proud to be
Right back in my hometown
With my new family
There's old friends and new friends
And even a bear
Through good times and bad times
It's true love we share
And so I found a place
Where everyone will know
My happy mustache face
This is The Cleveland Show
And that makes six
wins in a row for Stoolbend High baseball...
... under the leadership
of Coach Clarence Brown.
It's Cleveland Brown.
Who hasn't seen the postseason
since his playing days in 1984.
As everyone knows, that was the year...
... the Growlers lost state
to the Mud Falls Trotters...
... General Motors shut down the plant,
little Missy White...
... was found bludgeoned to death, and
Stoolbend's been in the crapper ever since.
And on a personal note,
that was the year I tried sushi.
Didn't like it. Never tried it again.
Hey, Angus. Here's a question.
Which woman on Friday Night Lights...
- ... wouldn't you have sex with?
- The mayor.
We'll accept that.
The mayor or Saracen's grandma,
the only two possible answers.
Go Growlers.
Betting on the Growlers
is winning me a fortune.
Last week,
I made my first charitable donation.
A hundred dollars to Fight the Cure.
Don't you mean Find the Cure?
Nope. Fight the Cure.
It's America's only pro-AIDS charity.
If I got it, everyone's gotta have it.
What makes you think you have AIDS?
I watched the Madonna episode of Glee.
You are an ignorant man.
Hey, let's hear it for Cleveland...
...who's gonna give my son, Raymond,
some playing time in the playoffs.
Don't worry, Tim,
I'll put him in next game.
- Really?
- No. Not even considering it.
Raymond's a bad player.
Wha...? He is?
Cleveland, let me know what I can do.
Holt Richter reporting for duty.
MVP of my little league team.
You mean your very little league?
We devalue you and your accomplishments
due to your size.
- Who is that?
- Chet Butler, my long-time rival...
...that you're just hearing about now
for the first time.
That dirty-playing S.O.B.
purposely beaned me...
...and knocked me out of the game,
costing us the championship.
I still have the scar
from where that pitch hit me.
So, what brings your slow-clapping ass
into my bar?
Just taking my state championship ring
out for a little walk.
Of course, you'll never know
what that feels like, loser.
Yeah, well, you'll never know
what losing feels like, winner.
You've won this round, Cleveland.
So I guess
I do know what losing feels like.
I'm gonna go get a beer.
Well, I guess the crowd's reaction
isn't really a good indication...
- ...of whose side they're on.
- Wheel of Fortune.
So, Junior,
how's your wood shop project going?
Wee!
I'm making sawdust angels.
That's your project?
Who cares? It's shop.
It's not like a real class.
Not a real class?
I'm sorry. I didn't see you, Mr. Thumbs.
- That's what we call him behind his back.
- You think these are funny?
I can't walk down the damn street
without people pulling over...
...and asking if I need a ride.
They think you're hitchhiking.
You better get serious, young fella.
This project is worth 75 percent
of your grade.
We get a grade in this class?
Wha...?
If I fail shop, I'll disappoint my father.
And I've never disappointed my father.
Get your act together, Brown.
If your final project doesn't blow me away,
I will not hesitate to give you an F.
You would F me?
Well,
how do you even write down grades?
I report them orally.
That's right.
I will F you orally.
And the Growlers
winning big in a blowout...
...thanks to a strong outing
by deaf pitcher, Oliver Wilkerson.
Okay, people, on your feet...
...because it's time
to welcome the Growler himself, Sparky...
...taking his seventh inning stroll
around the infield...
- ...with ballpark owner, Lloyd Waterman.
- Sparky on the mend...
...recently bitten by a raccoon.
Seems he's recovered
just fine. Welcome back, Sparky.
There he is. Come here, Sparky.
My star pitcher!
Somebody stop that dog!
He's my dog. I'll take care of it.
I can't watch.
Goodbye, Sparky.
Ow! My patella.
Oops.
And down goes Sparky.
Third on-field execution
of an animal this season.
And who says baseball's boring?
Cleveland,
we're still going to state, right?
I got a lot riding on this team.
There's no way.
Without Wilkerson,
we're like Kim Cattrall's bedroom.
Eight scared teenage boys
just waiting for it all to be over.
- It's hopeless.
- Coach, you missed one.
Heads up.
Son of a bitch!
Where did you learn to pitch like that?
Play catch with my mom every night.
She says it tuckers me out. It does.
Move it, kid.
Ha-ha. Holt looks like a kid.
Wish he was a kid, so he
could throw that knuckleball for our team.
Wait a minute.
Hm. Hm?
And pitching for the Growlers...
...rebel transfer student Colt Koufax.
- Strike three.
- What a pitch from Koufax...
...which I believe is a Jewish name.
Before you comment further,
Gordy, remember, everyone can hear...
...what you're saying.
Jews are fine by me. Let's go, Growlers.
Wow, Colt,
you're such a good baseball player.
And you're so mature
with your 5 o'clock shadow...
...and your crow's feet
and your graying nose hair.
Yeah,
you look just like the teenagers on TV.
Yeah, I am pretty cool.
But one time at my old school,
I took the whole day off.
Me and my best friend, Cameron,
took his dad's Ferrari.
Drove around Chi-town,
picked up my girlfriend, Sloan Peterson...
...sang "Danke Schoen" on a float.
Meanwhile,
Ben Stein's going, "Bueller? Bueller?"
Got home just in time.
Didn't even get caught.
Chica-chic-ah
Bew-oh-oh
- Awesome.
- Wow.
Your sister must hate you.
Donna, don't let yourself
fall in love with another teenage bad boy.
Especially one who looks like...
Holt?
Did she just call you Holt?
Maybe. Don't care.
Who cares what grown-ups say?
We're kids. Incorporated.
Before your time. Our time. Gotta go.
Coach Brown, a word?
Here we go.
Hey, baby.
Cleveland,
tell me you have nothing to do...
...with your best friend
pretending to be a baseball player.
You're my best friend, Donna.
Oh, really?
No. What the hell is going on?
- Cheating to get to state.
- I didn't hear that.
- I said, cheating to get to s...
- Cleveland, I heard you.
You're out.
You're out!
And the Growlers are one strike away.
You're out!
Growlers go to state. Growlers go to state.
My, oh, my.
Championship game tomorrow night.
A rematch of 1984,
Stoolbend versus Mud Falls.
I think I'm getting the hang of this.
Hey, Junior, I just finished my project.
Wanna take a look see?
Wow, it's great.
And it gets even better.
This sheet's just covering it up,
so it's a surprise.
I'm gonna blow Mr. Tanner's mind.
Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh.
No, you did not.
I'm blown away. I'm blown away.
No.
Hey, thanks. So show me
what you've been working on all week.
It's a wooden window holder opener.
I got it.
Oh, man, what else does that thing do?
Well, there's this.
Off to slay the troll king.
I think I misunderstood the assignment.
Drink up, little buddy.
You've kept my betting streak alive...
...and got us to the championships.
Shh.
Timmy, he don't know.
Timmy, honest bear.
Here's to Colt and the Growlers.
Tomorrow, we... I mean, they win state.
And I... I mean,
he gets laid for the first time since 1997...
...when he was 4.
I know you're enjoying this...
...but you're supposed
to be keeping a low profile.
Sorry, bro, no low pro.
Please, at least wait until tomorrow.
After we beat Mud Falls
and I get that sweet state ring.
Well, I gotta bizounce. A kid
in my homeroom's parents are out of town.
Okay. But remember,
we got a big game tomorrow...
...so don't statutory rape anybody.
Oh, Holt's home.
Wait,
what's Colt doing driving Holt's car?
He must have stolen it.
And he drove right to Holt's house.
The balls on that kid.
Yeah, Tim. I'll be sure to reprimand him
after the season.
Now Colt is going into Holt's house.
We gotta stop him.
- Stop it!
- Stay away from Colt.
- Don't tase me.
- Stay away from Holt.
- Help. Beatles.
- Your names are so similar...
...and you are of similar sizes.
- I can't get up. Old people commercial.
This just in.
Your star player wears a wig.
Come on, Tim.
I need that for the game tomorrow.
What in the wild, wild world of sports
is going on?
Hey, Cleveland,
you're not gonna believe this...
...but Colt is Holt.
What? No. That can't be true, he...
Wait a minute, you knew. You all knew.
Look, I only need Holt
to pitch one more game tomorrow...
...and then Stoolbend is state champs.
Sure, it's cheating.
But I'm doing it for you, Tim.
Can't you see that?
All of this has been for you and me.
I'm sorry, Cleveland,
but cheating is morally wrong.
Plus, Raymond should be pitching.
I'm sorry.
I have no choice but to report thi...
What the...?
Hey, man, cut it out.
That's a shovel, you know?
Why won't you go down?
Okay, seriously, Lester,
it's getting really annoying.
For the championship!
Go Growlers.
I'm freaking out.
I got blood on my hands, Lester.
I gotta keep it together.
I gotta keep it togeth...
Tim will be fine. I'll bring him back
right after the game tomorrow.
This doesn't feel right.
Like a vegan barbecue.
All right.
Not dogs and shamburgers are ready.
Hey, bro,
you want some fake-on on that?
Smell that? That's meat burning.
Oh, God, that smells so good.
Okay, listen up. It's almost game time.
Where's Colt?
- Um... He quit.
- He's joining the musical.
He said he had to be true to who he is,
not to who everyone thought he was.
Five, six, seven, eight.
What are you thinking?
This is the championship.
Musical theater is for the gays,
the lucky, lucky gays.
Dad, why are you undressing that little boy
who has a chest tattoo of Jeremy Piven...
...just like Mr. Holt?
Scram, Holt. Get to the field.
Wait, what's going on here?
Why would you do this, Dad?
Let me tell you something, son.
Sometimes the cards you're dealt
aren't good enough.
You have to reach for better cards.
Cheating cards.
But how can you live with yourself
when you're cheating to win?
I'm just settling the score
with Coach Butler.
Besides,
it's tradition to cheat in baseball.
Look at Mark McGwire, Roger Clemens,
Alex Rodriguez...
...and the entire 2004 and 2007
Boston Red Sox.
Sometimes you gotta do whatever it takes
to win.
Now, come on,
we're gonna go win state.
I'll be right there.
I just remembered something
I need to do.
I wonder what he remembered to do.
I wonder
what Donna is making for dinner.
I wonder if she'll even make dinner.
I'll pick up some Pad Thai
and some scrambled eggs...
... and a Clark bar on the way home.
If she's already made dinner,
then I'll just eat that for lunch tomorrow.
Ha-ha. Terry will be so jealous.
He always has crummy lunches.
It's sad that Terry's alone.
Hey, old man.
Get it?
Yes, I do get it.
Oh, I'm happy you're here, Rallo.
- You're out!
- Another strikeout.
I haven't seen
a pitching performance rival this...
...since Danny Almonte...
...the kid who lied about his age
to pitch in the Little League World Series.
What the...? How did I get in the woods?
Oh, man, stood up too fast.
Oh, gross, sap. I hate the woods.
You gotta beam me out of here, Jesus.
I gotta haul bear ass to that game
and stop Cleveland from cheating.
If there was any way
to get to the field quick.
Hm. That gives me an idea.
Hey, thanks for the ride, Doug.
Good luck with your wife's operation.
Oh, right.
Don't worry, honey, we're almost there.
Grab your gas can and find a cop car...
...because two more outs
and Stoolbend is champs.
Hold everything.
Here comes virgin
Principal Wally Farquhare.
Stop the game! Stop the game!
One of these students is ineligible.
Ernie Krinklesac is the guilty Gus.
He never turned in
his final wood shop project.
- What?
- That gives him an F...
...which makes him academically ineligible
for extracurricular activities.
Phew. Hey, how did Ernie fail shop?
He built our carport.
How? How indeed. Heh-heh.
I did what it took to win, Dad.
First, I created a distraction.
And then, for the final part of my trick,
known as the prestige...
...I took Ernie's project
and put my name on it.
How could you do that to your friend?
Like you said,
winning is the most important thing.
Friend or no friend, I gotta get mine.
And if I failed shop,
I would disappoint you.
And I've never ever disappointed you,
Daddy.
Well, you did disappoint me by cheating.
What? Where do you think
I got the idea?
- You're cheating.
- I learned it from you.
You just found out I was cheating.
Ah, busted.
Oh, Junior, what have I taught you?
You did good, Holt, but the jig's up.
Why are you taking me out, bro?
This whole thing's wrong.
Bad caramel. Too much bad caramel.
Give me the ball.
Yeah, I get it. It's probably for the best.
All these 'roids
are doing a number on my junk.
You're about to find out
what happens when animals attack.
If you remember those shows.
Take it easy, Tim.
I know you're upset with me, but look.
Um, far away.
Hello.
Far away.
That's my Raymond.
Yeah, Raymond. Go, buddy!
I'm really sorry, Tim. I know I messed up.
Who cares, man?
It's my son in the championship game.
Local burnout Raymond the
bear, not looking like he knows where he is.
Remember, that pitch is not in slow motion
to create dramatic effect.
It's that slow.
It's almost as if the ball itself is stoned.
Bye-bye.
- And there you have it.
- The Mud Falls Trotters...
...are your state champions.
You lose again, Cold Brown.
I guess my pitcher
was just a little bit better than yours.
Well, Donna, he may have the ring
and the championship...
...but I have the comfort
of a clear conscience.
I did a great thing here today.
Not really.
You cheated to get to the championship...
...then wussed out
and didn't go through with it at the end.
You realize you eliminated
three deserving teams from contention?
- So you really didn't do anything great.
- No, I did.
You don't get it. It's guy stuff.
Clear conscience, full hearts, can't lose.
Whatever.
I'm just glad I never knew anything about it.
There's still time.
525,600 minutes
525,000 journeys to plan
525,600 minutes
How can you measure the life
Of a woman or a man
No. No touch.
And I am proud to be
Right back in my hometown
With my new family
There's old friends and new friends
And even a bear
Through good times and bad times
It's true love we share
And so I found a place
Where everyone will know
My happy mustache face
This is The Cleveland Show
And that makes six
wins in a row for Stoolbend High baseball...
... under the leadership
of Coach Clarence Brown.
It's Cleveland Brown.
Who hasn't seen the postseason
since his playing days in 1984.
As everyone knows, that was the year...
... the Growlers lost state
to the Mud Falls Trotters...
... General Motors shut down the plant,
little Missy White...
... was found bludgeoned to death, and
Stoolbend's been in the crapper ever since.
And on a personal note,
that was the year I tried sushi.
Didn't like it. Never tried it again.
Hey, Angus. Here's a question.
Which woman on Friday Night Lights...
- ... wouldn't you have sex with?
- The mayor.
We'll accept that.
The mayor or Saracen's grandma,
the only two possible answers.
Go Growlers.
Betting on the Growlers
is winning me a fortune.
Last week,
I made my first charitable donation.
A hundred dollars to Fight the Cure.
Don't you mean Find the Cure?
Nope. Fight the Cure.
It's America's only pro-AIDS charity.
If I got it, everyone's gotta have it.
What makes you think you have AIDS?
I watched the Madonna episode of Glee.
You are an ignorant man.
Hey, let's hear it for Cleveland...
...who's gonna give my son, Raymond,
some playing time in the playoffs.
Don't worry, Tim,
I'll put him in next game.
- Really?
- No. Not even considering it.
Raymond's a bad player.
Wha...? He is?
Cleveland, let me know what I can do.
Holt Richter reporting for duty.
MVP of my little league team.
You mean your very little league?
We devalue you and your accomplishments
due to your size.
- Who is that?
- Chet Butler, my long-time rival...
...that you're just hearing about now
for the first time.
That dirty-playing S.O.B.
purposely beaned me...
...and knocked me out of the game,
costing us the championship.
I still have the scar
from where that pitch hit me.
So, what brings your slow-clapping ass
into my bar?
Just taking my state championship ring
out for a little walk.
Of course, you'll never know
what that feels like, loser.
Yeah, well, you'll never know
what losing feels like, winner.
You've won this round, Cleveland.
So I guess
I do know what losing feels like.
I'm gonna go get a beer.
Well, I guess the crowd's reaction
isn't really a good indication...
- ...of whose side they're on.
- Wheel of Fortune.
So, Junior,
how's your wood shop project going?
Wee!
I'm making sawdust angels.
That's your project?
Who cares? It's shop.
It's not like a real class.
Not a real class?
I'm sorry. I didn't see you, Mr. Thumbs.
- That's what we call him behind his back.
- You think these are funny?
I can't walk down the damn street
without people pulling over...
...and asking if I need a ride.
They think you're hitchhiking.
You better get serious, young fella.
This project is worth 75 percent
of your grade.
We get a grade in this class?
Wha...?
If I fail shop, I'll disappoint my father.
And I've never disappointed my father.
Get your act together, Brown.
If your final project doesn't blow me away,
I will not hesitate to give you an F.
You would F me?
Well,
how do you even write down grades?
I report them orally.
That's right.
I will F you orally.
And the Growlers
winning big in a blowout...
...thanks to a strong outing
by deaf pitcher, Oliver Wilkerson.
Okay, people, on your feet...
...because it's time
to welcome the Growler himself, Sparky...
...taking his seventh inning stroll
around the infield...
- ...with ballpark owner, Lloyd Waterman.
- Sparky on the mend...
...recently bitten by a raccoon.
Seems he's recovered
just fine. Welcome back, Sparky.
There he is. Come here, Sparky.
My star pitcher!
Somebody stop that dog!
He's my dog. I'll take care of it.
I can't watch.
Goodbye, Sparky.
Ow! My patella.
Oops.
And down goes Sparky.
Third on-field execution
of an animal this season.
And who says baseball's boring?
Cleveland,
we're still going to state, right?
I got a lot riding on this team.
There's no way.
Without Wilkerson,
we're like Kim Cattrall's bedroom.
Eight scared teenage boys
just waiting for it all to be over.
- It's hopeless.
- Coach, you missed one.
Heads up.
Son of a bitch!
Where did you learn to pitch like that?
Play catch with my mom every night.
She says it tuckers me out. It does.
Move it, kid.
Ha-ha. Holt looks like a kid.
Wish he was a kid, so he
could throw that knuckleball for our team.
Wait a minute.
Hm. Hm?
And pitching for the Growlers...
...rebel transfer student Colt Koufax.
- Strike three.
- What a pitch from Koufax...
...which I believe is a Jewish name.
Before you comment further,
Gordy, remember, everyone can hear...
...what you're saying.
Jews are fine by me. Let's go, Growlers.
Wow, Colt,
you're such a good baseball player.
And you're so mature
with your 5 o'clock shadow...
...and your crow's feet
and your graying nose hair.
Yeah,
you look just like the teenagers on TV.
Yeah, I am pretty cool.
But one time at my old school,
I took the whole day off.
Me and my best friend, Cameron,
took his dad's Ferrari.
Drove around Chi-town,
picked up my girlfriend, Sloan Peterson...
...sang "Danke Schoen" on a float.
Meanwhile,
Ben Stein's going, "Bueller? Bueller?"
Got home just in time.
Didn't even get caught.
Chica-chic-ah
Bew-oh-oh
- Awesome.
- Wow.
Your sister must hate you.
Donna, don't let yourself
fall in love with another teenage bad boy.
Especially one who looks like...
Holt?
Did she just call you Holt?
Maybe. Don't care.
Who cares what grown-ups say?
We're kids. Incorporated.
Before your time. Our time. Gotta go.
Coach Brown, a word?
Here we go.
Hey, baby.
Cleveland,
tell me you have nothing to do...
...with your best friend
pretending to be a baseball player.
You're my best friend, Donna.
Oh, really?
No. What the hell is going on?
- Cheating to get to state.
- I didn't hear that.
- I said, cheating to get to s...
- Cleveland, I heard you.
You're out.
You're out!
And the Growlers are one strike away.
You're out!
Growlers go to state. Growlers go to state.
My, oh, my.
Championship game tomorrow night.
A rematch of 1984,
Stoolbend versus Mud Falls.
I think I'm getting the hang of this.
Hey, Junior, I just finished my project.
Wanna take a look see?
Wow, it's great.
And it gets even better.
This sheet's just covering it up,
so it's a surprise.
I'm gonna blow Mr. Tanner's mind.
Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh.
No, you did not.
I'm blown away. I'm blown away.
No.
Hey, thanks. So show me
what you've been working on all week.
It's a wooden window holder opener.
I got it.
Oh, man, what else does that thing do?
Well, there's this.
Off to slay the troll king.
I think I misunderstood the assignment.
Drink up, little buddy.
You've kept my betting streak alive...
...and got us to the championships.
Shh.
Timmy, he don't know.
Timmy, honest bear.
Here's to Colt and the Growlers.
Tomorrow, we... I mean, they win state.
And I... I mean,
he gets laid for the first time since 1997...
...when he was 4.
I know you're enjoying this...
...but you're supposed
to be keeping a low profile.
Sorry, bro, no low pro.
Please, at least wait until tomorrow.
After we beat Mud Falls
and I get that sweet state ring.
Well, I gotta bizounce. A kid
in my homeroom's parents are out of town.
Okay. But remember,
we got a big game tomorrow...
...so don't statutory rape anybody.
Oh, Holt's home.
Wait,
what's Colt doing driving Holt's car?
He must have stolen it.
And he drove right to Holt's house.
The balls on that kid.
Yeah, Tim. I'll be sure to reprimand him
after the season.
Now Colt is going into Holt's house.
We gotta stop him.
- Stop it!
- Stay away from Colt.
- Don't tase me.
- Stay away from Holt.
- Help. Beatles.
- Your names are so similar...
...and you are of similar sizes.
- I can't get up. Old people commercial.
This just in.
Your star player wears a wig.
Come on, Tim.
I need that for the game tomorrow.
What in the wild, wild world of sports
is going on?
Hey, Cleveland,
you're not gonna believe this...
...but Colt is Holt.
What? No. That can't be true, he...
Wait a minute, you knew. You all knew.
Look, I only need Holt
to pitch one more game tomorrow...
...and then Stoolbend is state champs.
Sure, it's cheating.
But I'm doing it for you, Tim.
Can't you see that?
All of this has been for you and me.
I'm sorry, Cleveland,
but cheating is morally wrong.
Plus, Raymond should be pitching.
I'm sorry.
I have no choice but to report thi...
What the...?
Hey, man, cut it out.
That's a shovel, you know?
Why won't you go down?
Okay, seriously, Lester,
it's getting really annoying.
For the championship!
Go Growlers.
I'm freaking out.
I got blood on my hands, Lester.
I gotta keep it together.
I gotta keep it togeth...
Tim will be fine. I'll bring him back
right after the game tomorrow.
This doesn't feel right.
Like a vegan barbecue.
All right.
Not dogs and shamburgers are ready.
Hey, bro,
you want some fake-on on that?
Smell that? That's meat burning.
Oh, God, that smells so good.
Okay, listen up. It's almost game time.
Where's Colt?
- Um... He quit.
- He's joining the musical.
He said he had to be true to who he is,
not to who everyone thought he was.
Five, six, seven, eight.
What are you thinking?
This is the championship.
Musical theater is for the gays,
the lucky, lucky gays.
Dad, why are you undressing that little boy
who has a chest tattoo of Jeremy Piven...
...just like Mr. Holt?
Scram, Holt. Get to the field.
Wait, what's going on here?
Why would you do this, Dad?
Let me tell you something, son.
Sometimes the cards you're dealt
aren't good enough.
You have to reach for better cards.
Cheating cards.
But how can you live with yourself
when you're cheating to win?
I'm just settling the score
with Coach Butler.
Besides,
it's tradition to cheat in baseball.
Look at Mark McGwire, Roger Clemens,
Alex Rodriguez...
...and the entire 2004 and 2007
Boston Red Sox.
Sometimes you gotta do whatever it takes
to win.
Now, come on,
we're gonna go win state.
I'll be right there.
I just remembered something
I need to do.
I wonder what he remembered to do.
I wonder
what Donna is making for dinner.
I wonder if she'll even make dinner.
I'll pick up some Pad Thai
and some scrambled eggs...
... and a Clark bar on the way home.
If she's already made dinner,
then I'll just eat that for lunch tomorrow.
Ha-ha. Terry will be so jealous.
He always has crummy lunches.
It's sad that Terry's alone.
Hey, old man.
Get it?
Yes, I do get it.
Oh, I'm happy you're here, Rallo.
- You're out!
- Another strikeout.
I haven't seen
a pitching performance rival this...
...since Danny Almonte...
...the kid who lied about his age
to pitch in the Little League World Series.
What the...? How did I get in the woods?
Oh, man, stood up too fast.
Oh, gross, sap. I hate the woods.
You gotta beam me out of here, Jesus.
I gotta haul bear ass to that game
and stop Cleveland from cheating.
If there was any way
to get to the field quick.
Hm. That gives me an idea.
Hey, thanks for the ride, Doug.
Good luck with your wife's operation.
Oh, right.
Don't worry, honey, we're almost there.
Grab your gas can and find a cop car...
...because two more outs
and Stoolbend is champs.
Hold everything.
Here comes virgin
Principal Wally Farquhare.
Stop the game! Stop the game!
One of these students is ineligible.
Ernie Krinklesac is the guilty Gus.
He never turned in
his final wood shop project.
- What?
- That gives him an F...
...which makes him academically ineligible
for extracurricular activities.
Phew. Hey, how did Ernie fail shop?
He built our carport.
How? How indeed. Heh-heh.
I did what it took to win, Dad.
First, I created a distraction.
And then, for the final part of my trick,
known as the prestige...
...I took Ernie's project
and put my name on it.
How could you do that to your friend?
Like you said,
winning is the most important thing.
Friend or no friend, I gotta get mine.
And if I failed shop,
I would disappoint you.
And I've never ever disappointed you,
Daddy.
Well, you did disappoint me by cheating.
What? Where do you think
I got the idea?
- You're cheating.
- I learned it from you.
You just found out I was cheating.
Ah, busted.
Oh, Junior, what have I taught you?
You did good, Holt, but the jig's up.
Why are you taking me out, bro?
This whole thing's wrong.
Bad caramel. Too much bad caramel.
Give me the ball.
Yeah, I get it. It's probably for the best.
All these 'roids
are doing a number on my junk.
You're about to find out
what happens when animals attack.
If you remember those shows.
Take it easy, Tim.
I know you're upset with me, but look.
Um, far away.
Hello.
Far away.
That's my Raymond.
Yeah, Raymond. Go, buddy!
I'm really sorry, Tim. I know I messed up.
Who cares, man?
It's my son in the championship game.
Local burnout Raymond the
bear, not looking like he knows where he is.
Remember, that pitch is not in slow motion
to create dramatic effect.
It's that slow.
It's almost as if the ball itself is stoned.
Bye-bye.
- And there you have it.
- The Mud Falls Trotters...
...are your state champions.
You lose again, Cold Brown.
I guess my pitcher
was just a little bit better than yours.
Well, Donna, he may have the ring
and the championship...
...but I have the comfort
of a clear conscience.
I did a great thing here today.
Not really.
You cheated to get to the championship...
...then wussed out
and didn't go through with it at the end.
You realize you eliminated
three deserving teams from contention?
- So you really didn't do anything great.
- No, I did.
You don't get it. It's guy stuff.
Clear conscience, full hearts, can't lose.
Whatever.
I'm just glad I never knew anything about it.
There's still time.
525,600 minutes
525,000 journeys to plan
525,600 minutes
How can you measure the life
Of a woman or a man
No. No touch.