The Cleveland Show (2009–2013): Season 1, Episode 18 - Brotherly Love - full transcript

[SINGING] My name is Cleveland Brown
And I am proud to be

Right back in my hometown
With my new family

There's old friends and new friends
And even a bear

Through good times and bad times
It's true love we share

And so I found a place
Where everyone will know

My happy mustache face
This is The Cleveland Show

[CHUCKLES]

- See you tomorrow, Rallo.
- Looking good, Rallo.

Nice ass.

So, Rallo, who are you gonna be
rubbing up on at the school carnival?

Fool, please. I'm too cool for preschool.



I need a real woman.

There ain't a girl in our class
with more than a A-cup.

Heck, there ain't a girl in our class
with more than a sippy cup.

[ALL LAUGHING]

What are you doing?

I was practicing what I'd do
if I was on fire.

All right.

Rallo, I was robbed today at school.

A girl stole my heart.
Her name is Chanel.

- Did you make your move?
- She's out of my league.

So instead of making a move,
I'm gonna stuff my feelings down deep...

...so they can come out in interesting
and surprising ways years later.

Hey, Too Cool For Preschool.

How about getting him hooked up with
that girl he's all loco in the coco about?



Bring it on. How hot can she be anyway?

Probably somewhere between a young
Bea Arthur and a present-day Bea Arthur.

BEA ARTHUR:
God'll get you for that, Rallo.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[THEME SONG FROM
"MAUDE" PLAYING]

You're late.

We're the cable guys. We're always late.

Ha-ha-ha! That's not true. We try.

Hey, everyone. The cable guys are here.

[CHEERING]

WOMAN 1: All right!
- Take it off.

- Come again?
WOMAN 2: Come on.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

WOMAN 2:
Ooh, I love your hair! Whoo!

Man, they think we're strippers.

Good thing I'm wearing
my breakaway pants.

[WOMEN WHOOPING]

Aah! That shirt is the property
of Waterman Cable.

Come on, man. Loosen up.

I guess there's no harm
in showing a little helmet.

Here it is. Look, it's the Redskins.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Take your pants off.

Ohh. Heh-heh-heh.

[CLEVELAND WHOOPING]

Four hundred and thirty-five dollars.

Terry, do you realize if we did
four bachelorette parties a day...

...we'd be clearing more than
$450,000 a year?

And if we spend it all
at Bed Bath & Beyond...

...saving 20 percent from the gross...

...that's like $562,500.

Sheets, candles, bath mats,
small appliances.

We'll be swimming in them.

Oh, Terry.
We have got to make this happen.

A couple of those chicks
did ask for our number.

- As long as your wife is cool with it.
- Donna. You're right.

This is exactly the sort of thing
wives don't like.

Wait. I'll make up a lie.

But what if she finds out I'm lying?

I'll just tell her I wasn't lying. Ha-ha!

Today is your lucky day, Cleveland Jr.

Yay! Why?

I've decided to help you
on your quest for love.

So I'm gonna give you
some of Rallo's rules.

First, you gotta stand out.

Decorate your body
to attract a mate. Here.

Wow, it only hurt for a second.

Second, find a way
to initiate physical contact.

Here's one of my classics.

Hey, little lady.

What if I told you
that you could draw a turkey...

...using nothing but your hand?

[JUNIOR GIGGLING]

I've never been turkey-fingered before.

Third, smile.
Think of something that makes you happy.

What are you thinking about?

Anderson Cooper with curly hair.
Hee, hee.

All right, don't say out loud
what you're thinking.

[SINGING]
As I walked out on the streets of Lared...

Oh, hey, there's our cable truck.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

All right. My jam.

[WOMEN CHEERING AND WHOOPING]

Terry. You really are a stripper.

A stripper of a friend's trust. Ohh.

[BELL RINGS]

All right, now put this in your ear
and I'm gonna feed you lines.

Hasn't this bit been done to death?

Yeah, you're right.
You got this. Go make me proud.

[JUNIOR SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

All right. Now show her the tattoo.

- Talk to me.
- She said yes.

She's coming over to the house
to study geometry with me tomorrow.

Ha, ha! There he goes.
Look what Big Round Brown did.

Here she comes.

See you tomorrow, Cleveland Jr.

She will be mine.

Obama.

Hey, man. What's going on?

I'm confronting you about betraying me.

My friends think I'm strong enough
to do this, and I believe them.

Oh, man. I'm sorry, Cleveland.
I didn't want to hurt your feelings...

...but the women who called
specifically requested that you not come.

What? You must have
misinterpreted them.

They said, "Please do not bring
the portly black gentleman."

One woman was particularly repulsed
by your stretch marks.

I have a child.

Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Cleveland, you could be my manager.

Book gigs, handle the money.

I mean, you're decent with numbers,
and I don't know any Jewish people.

Tell you what,
I get 20 percent and it's a deal.

Hell, you can have 30 percent.

Wow, you really don't know
any Jewish people, do you?

Oh, this is so hard.

I don't know how to find
a secant of a triangle.

Well, then hold on a "secant."

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Hey, is that Chanel Williams
chopping it up with my steppity-bro?

I think you mean step-brizzle.

[ROBERTA LAUGHING,
THEN BOTH LAUGHING]

There's been a gas leak!

Leave the batteries in your carbon-monoxide
detector from now on.

When your wife says she'll use it
in front of you, you find some batteries.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Yo, check it.
Big Fed's about to bless y'all...

...with two VIP passes to the release party
for my new CD, Fireman Killer.

But aren't firemen heroes?

Pfft. To who?
Wasting water, blasting they sirens...

...riding around with them
Dalmatian-ass dogs. Blap!

Was he that dumb before the gas leak?

He's just trying to find his way,
like everybody else.

You're sweet.

RALLO:
Well, what do we have here?

I didn't know we had a guest,
much less such a beautiful young lady.

What are you guys working on, math?
Oh, a number six?

Yeah, I know how to make one of those.
In fact, Chanel...

...I even know how to draw a turkey
using nothing but your lovely hand.

We could do it in my room.

- You are just too cute.
- Huh?

Does somebody want an airplane ride?

- Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh!
- Put me down, put me down.

- Whee! Here we go.
- Put me... Whee!

- I'm a plane. Wait a minute, put me down.
- You are. Yes, you are.

Sorry he's so cranky.
He was up till 7:15 last night.

Oh, thanks.
Anybody else wanna take a shot?

Rallo, are you bothering the big kids?

Come here.
I need to give you your diarrhea medicine.

[JUNIOR AND CHANEL LAUGHING]

You are in for a world of hurt,
buffalo butt.

- What did you call me?
- No, not you, Mama... Aahh!

Hey, Junior.
Glad to hear that first date went well.

Now I want to give you Rallo's rules
for a second date.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

- Thanks.
- Okay, listen up.

Always be on your phone.
It makes you look important.

Talking, texting, doesn't matter.

What if she has something
she wants to talk to me about?

Then you let out a long exhale,
roll your eyes and say, "What?"

And if there's a problem,
you try to solve it immediately.

Don't even wait
to hear the whole problem.

And then look back at your phone,
point to it and say:

"Ha, ha! This guy's hilarious."

Be on your phone, never listen,
"this guy's hilarious."

- Thanks, Rallo.
- You're welcome.

[LAUGHING]

DONNA:
Rallo, it's time to take a pee-pee.

I wish so much
I didn't have to take a pee-pee right now.

[RALLO WHIMPERING]

CLEVELAND:
Come on out of there.

Come on out of there, lost hair.

I'm gonna scratch a little hole in my skin
so you can find your way out.

Stretch on out instead of being
all curled and bunched.

Hey, what took you so long?
We're gonna be late for your next gig.

Hey, there's $200 here. Big tippers, huh?

No, no tips. Just, you know,
100 for the stripping and 100 for the sex.

- What, now?
- It turns out...

...they kind of expect the "deluxe package,"
if you know what I mean.

Wait. I'm organizing
and scheduling sexual acts...

...and then collecting a portion
of the profits?

- Yep.
- Terry, that makes you a prostitute.

And that makes me a pimp.

Ha-ha-ha! I'm a pimp.

Oh, I'm gonna go buy a pimp hat
and a pimp suit...

...some pimp shoes, maybe a pimp scarf.

Pimp socks?

No one's gonna see my damn socks,
you slut.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hey, you're not paid to laugh.

Get out there and make my money, trick.

Okay, that one hurt a little.

I'm sorry,
I'm just so excited to be a pimp.

Ha, ha. This is gonna be good, fellas.

One sec, Chanel.
I'm just reading a text from my dad.

This guy's hilarious.

Ha, ha. Here we go. Here we go.

I'm gonna write him back
because I'm very important to him.

- No, but I love my dad.
- Aww. That's cute.

I didn't tell him to say that.

[CHANEL GIGGLES]

BOY: Chanel.
- Kenny.

- That's Kenny West.
- Who's that?

Stoolbend's most famous rapper.

You'd know that if you read my blog,
"Out and About with Julius."

- Who are you?
- Her boyfriend.

You'd know that if you read
"Out and About with Julius."

Not exactly. We broke up.

I gotta get to a phone.

Chanel, what are you doing
with this water balloon?

This is Cleveland Jr.

He's sweet and thoughtful, and he doesn't
make me wait around all day...

...while he's off buying sunglasses
with his posse.

Cleveland Jr?
There ain't nothing junior about this guy.

[POSSE LAUGHS]

[RALLO LAUGHS]

Crash and burn, Junior.
This worked out even better than I planned.

- Who is this Chia dwarf?
- What did you just call me?

You get that tattoo
from a Cracker Jack box?

Yeah, why?

[KENNY AND POSSE LAUGH]

Tell me, little man. How the hell
do you support that big-ass Afro...

...with that tiny-ass neck?

You're like a Questlove bobblehead.

Come on, Chanel. We need to talk.

Sorry, Junior.

Chanel, wait.

Sometimes I even kiss my dad
on the lips.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Man, Kenny West
made us both look like punks.

Oh, well. I guess we need to
pray for the courage...

...to accept the things
we cannot change.

Man, shut up. We gotta get revenge.

And we're gonna get you that girl back
at Federline's party tonight.

Yay!

I'm just gonna...

[WHISTLING]

Cleveland, where did you get
that huge wad of cash?

Can't a man sneak into his house
in the middle of the night...

...with a huge wad of unexplained cash
without being nagged by his wife?

- Shoot.
- Well, Yvette told me...

...a friend of hers received
one of Terry's special installations.

Also, I found this
next to the bathroom sink.

Well, what are you doing
looking next to the bathroom sink?

- You're pimping.
- Ain't nothing but something to do.

- Cleveland, it's a crime.
- What?

Crimes have victims, Donna.
There are no victims here.

Prostitutes are the victims.
Terry is the victim.

Ha! I'm Terry:

"Oh, no. I have to have sex,
which feels really good."

Oh, it's worse.
I have to have sex for cash money...

...that I can buy things with.

Oh, and I can't stay the night
and hold in farts...

...while I listen to story after story
about your funny coworker.

"Ha-ha-ha. Oh, oh, make it stop."

You're an idiot.

Can you believe she said that?

You, a victim. Ha, ha! As if.

Ha, ha! I know, I know.

Although sometimes
I can't help thinking...

...that man wasn't meant to do it
more than six times a day.

Now that you mention it,
know what else I found out about myself?

I don't like to be strangled.
Hell, it's scary.

You black out.

You wake up in a different place,
your face in a different headboard.

[CHUCKLES THEN SIGHS]

And that's just the physical pain.

I never thought I'd hear myself say this:
I don't wanna be a prostitute.

Well, at least I get to hang onto these.

Hey, you got the pimp socks.

I did.

Thanks for the fun, Terry.
You were my best bitch.

And you were a cold, cold pimp.

CLEVELAND:
Sorry about all those men I set you up with.

[RAP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Yo, what's popping, y'all?

I wanna thank everyone for coming to
the official release party of Fireman Killer.

Firemen's been getting a free pass
for too long.

May we say a few words?

Dag, Pops.
Why you always gotta blow up my spot?

We're not blowing up
anyone's spot. Gah.

Hello, I'm Gabriel's father,
Professor Friedman.

And I'm Gabriel's mother,
also Professor Friedman.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Please be mindful of the new carpet.

Enjoy.

She's here.

All right, now get over there
and tell her how you feel.

Chanel, there's something
I wanna tell you.

KENNY:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I can't believe you're showing
your face here.

Especially talking to my girl like that.
I should mess you up right now.

But instead, I'm gonna take you down
with my lyrics.

Federstein, lay down a beat.

[RAP BEAT PLAYING]

[RAPPING]
As Kenny sippin' Henny

Rhymes thicker than Teflon

At Stoolbend High
I'm the black Zac Efron

When I meet a shorty
You know we're goin' bedwards

Pullin' more tail
Than my man, John Edwards

Lumpy, chunky
Booger-eating chump be

Acting out of place
Like Hootie singin' country

Leave my girl alone
Get you're own tenderoni

Come on, who are we kidding?
You're used to being lonely

[MICROPHONE SQUEAKS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

I need to say something here.

[SINGING]
A, B, C, D, E, F, G

Someone should've told you
Not to fuck with me

[RAPPING]
You think you can rhyme?

Man, your flow is amateur

I'm a nerd, I can smoke you
In iambic pentameter

Mess with me?
Homeboy, don't wanna risk it

I'll burn you like Mrs. Friedman's
God-awful brisket

Well, that was uncalled-for.

Yeah, how you like me now, bitch?

[MICROPHONE SQUEALS]
[CROWD CHEERING]

[RAPPING]
Fall back, big boy

'Cause your stepping to the best

Kenny West
Test, test, test

Yo, is this thing on?

[RAPS IN KLINGON]

Yeah, I just dissed you in Klingon

[RAPS IN KLINGON]

Yeah, I speak Klingon too

So kiss my chocolate gunta
And also, hoch you

[CROWD CHEERING]

Your flow is faded and dated
Deflated and constipated

If I had to rate it? Hate it
Translated: You ate it

Hey, cheeseball, you've been grated
Chewed up, swallowed and defecated, ha!

To restate it
On the DVD, this won't be pixilated

Dang. He got him.

That's my brother.

All right, all right
I know you think you're so hot

Question is,

[IN ROBOTIC VOICE]
Can you sing like a robot?

[IN ROBOTIC VOICE]
Yes, I can sing like a robot

Now y'all just witnessed history
In the makin'

Greatest combination
Since eggs and bacon

Kenny West and Cleveland Jr. Brown

- Let's get up and burn this mother down
- And burn this mother down

[CROWD CHEERING]

[GRUNTING]

[CROWD SCREAMING]

Saul, call the fire department.

No! Don't you all see?

That's just what they want y'all to...

[FEDERLINE GRUNTS]

Dag, girl.
My whole world is upside-down.

They are heroes.

Not like those Coast Guard punks
with they tugging-ass boats.

You got another CD in you, boo.

What do you know, it works.

Hey, Junior.
Man, I'm sorry I laid into you so hard.

It was just kind of tough
seeing you with my baby mama.

Baby mama?

Yes, Kenny and I have a child together.

Meet Kandace.

[STUTTERING]

Wow!

You two are a mommy and daddy?

Kenny, don't tell me
my new friend/hype man is a deadbeat dad.

No, I ain't no deadbeat dad.

I'm taking Kandace to school,
I'm putting her to bed at night...

...I'm running around town
trying to sell bone-density machines.

Do you know how hard it is to sell
a bone-density machine in this economy?

How hard is it?

It's hard.

Oh, I thought you were trying
to set up a joke.

The point is, this child needs a family.

And this is a good man.

And who knows,
someday he might even make it...

...as the self-described voice
of his generation.

Thanks, man.
Hey, I want you to have something.

No, they look good on you.

What if I told you
that you could draw a turkey...

...with nothing but your hand?

[ENGLISH - US - SDH]