The Cleveland Show (2009–2013): Season 1, Episode 17 - Gone with the Wind - full transcript
When Cleveland is diagnosed with high cholesterol, Donna puts him on a new high-fiber diet, which causes an intestinal backlash. It may stink up the place, but Cleveland quickly realizes his gas might score him a few points in the Broken Stool's karaoke contest. Meanwhile, Quagmire pays a visit to Stoolbend to deliver Cleveland some upsetting news.
[SINGING] My name is Cleveland Brown
And I am proud to be
Right back in my hometown
With my new family
There's old friends and new friends
And even a bear
Through good times and bad times
It's true love we share
And so I found a place
Where everyone will know
My happy mustache face
This is The Cleveland Show
[CHUCKLES]
Bacon, cheese, eggs?
Smells like a Denny's in here.
But without the old-man stink.
You got that covered.
No, I smell like a middle-aged man:
Propecia, hot wings, and night sweats
from our adjustable-rate mortgage.
Now, pass those eggs.
Uh-uh. Remember what Dr. Fist said
about your cholesterol?
Yes. He said it was "appalling"
and "life-threatening."
- Pass the eggs.
- This is your breakfast, Cleveland.
The same breakfast you've been eating
for the past two weeks.
More Twigs?
Fiber Twigs,
the cereal that lowers your cholesterol.
[CRUNCHES]
Aah! I got a splinter.
Because you got a mouthful of wood
like usual.
Huh? Oh.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
ROBERTA: Hey.
- Oh, come on, baby.
I need you alive and healthy
for the karaoke contest this weekend.
We could win $500.
And I don't want a repeat
of our high school talent show.
[SINGING] Love
Love will keep us together
Donna, I got my license.
[FARTS]
- Oh, Roberta.
ROBERTA: I'm in my room!
That's your breakfast
getting down to business.
Here's your lunch.
Bran muffin, can of beans.
And for dessert, some of that Jamie Lee
Curtis yogurt that makes you poop.
[FARTS]
Damn, Daddy.
Remember when that cat crawled
in the air-conditioning duct and died?
And we couldn't get it out
for 16 months?
That was like a Glade Plugln
compared to this.
Ha, ha! Heat rises. I smell nothing.
Oh, what do you think you're...?
Aah! Oh, no. Oh, put me down.
Put me down.
[FARTS THEN GRUNTS]
[FARTING AND GRUNTING]
[GROANING]
Oh, what if they come in here?
What the...? Oh, my. Oh, no.
Auntie Em. Auntie Em.
[CAT SCREECHING]
Oh, Terry, hurry up. We gotta go.
But I'm not finished... Oh!
Oh, no.
Ow! Oh! Ow!
Oww! My urethra.
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTS AND FARTS]
I'm sorry, Terry.
But I'm on this new high-fiber diet.
And l... My hermaphrodite yogurt.
If you're gonna be my partner...
...I don't wanna hear one more fart
out of you, clear?
- Yes, sir.
- Good. Because l...
Oh, you bastard.
Ha, ha. Sometimes they no make a noise.
[COUGHING]
Look out!
[BOTH SCREAM]
I can't believe my last breath
is gonna be your ass gas.
I always knew we would die this way.
Goodbye, Terry.
[BOTH SCREAM]
- Gee, thanks, Mr. Flippers.
- Gee, thanks, Mr. Flippers.
Terry, always keep your eyes
on the road.
Will do.
And, Cleveland,
see a doctor about your ungodly flatulence.
- Yes, sir.
- Good.
See you later, peoples.
- Bye, Mr. Flippers.
- Bye, Mr. Flippers.
- You're deep.
- Thank you. I was a Philosophy major.
Everything checks out, Cleveland.
Your flatulence is a perfectly normal
side effect of a high-fiber diet.
So you're saying all this farting is okay?
No. I'm saying it's medically necessary.
But what about the social stigma?
Won't people consider me
a gross farting pig...
...like Tommy Lasorda?
- I'll write you a note.
You mean a free pass to pass gas
wherever and whenever I want to?
The medical term is a fart card.
But remember, Cleveland,
with great power comes great responsibility.
[IGGY POP'S "LUST FOR LIFE" PLAYING]
[GASPING]
Fart card.
I got a lust for life
[FARTS]
[RALLO LAUGHING]
A lust for life
[FARTS]
Well, I'm just a modern guy
Of course I've had it in the ear before
[FARTS]
'Cause of a lust for life
'Cause of a lust for life
["BOOGIE WOOGIE BUGLE BOY"
PLAYING ON KARAOKE MACHINE]
[SINGING]
He was a famous trumpet man
From out Chicago way
[SOFTLY]
He had a boogie style
That no one else could play
He was the top man at his craft
But then his number came up...
Ahem. What did I tell you?
You got to project, Kendra.
Sing like you do
when you're in your washtub out back.
A toot, a toot, a-tootin' and a toot
[SOBBING]
I'll never be no Kellie Pickler.
[EXIT MUSIC PLAYING]
Poor, fat Kendra.
Lester and Kendra, everybody.
Vote with your applause.
Wow, that really was not very popular.
You two will not advance to the finals
Sunday night.
And thus will not be winning
the 500-dollar grand prize.
Play them off, Charlie.
[DANIEL POWTER'S "BAD DAY"
PLAYING ON KARAOKE MACHINE]
[SINGING]
'Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
No regrets.
["YOU'RE ALL I NEED TO GET BY"
PLAYING ON KARAOKE MACHINE]
[SINGING]
Then when I lose my will
You'll be there to push me up the hill
- There's no, no looking back for us
- There's no, no looking back for us
- We've got love sure enough, that's enough
- We've got love sure enough, that's enough
- You're all, you're all I need to get by
- You're all, you're all I need to get by
That hairy beast can sing.
Gosh, gee whiz,
what a tough act to follow, huh?
Boy, I wouldn't wanna follow them.
Following them are Cleveland Brown
and his wife, Mrs. Cleveland Brown.
["I NEVER KNEW LOVE LIKE THIS BEFORE"
PLAYING ON KARAOKE MACHINE]
[SINGING]
I never knew love like this before
Now I'm lonely never more
Since you came into my life
You are my love light, this I know
And I'll never let you...
[FARTING]
Oh, you're my all...
Oh, boy. Your heart... Oh, it burns.
- Part of me. Oh, bad, bad.
Nothing but problems.
Once I was lost and now I'm found
- Then you turned my world around
- Ow! Ow! Oh! Ooh!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[FARTING IN RHYTHM]
'Cause I never knew love like this before
What a surprise
'Cause I never knew love like this before
[CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
Great job, folks. You made the finals.
Everybody be back here Sunday to watch
the Browns and the Bears face off...
...on national television.
[CROWD CHEERS]
Then after the football game...
...we'll turn off the TV
and finish our stupid karaoke contest.
I always thought
I had a God-given talent, Donna.
I'm a fartiste.
We get you farting too
and we'll be unbeatable.
Cleveland, I wanna win by singing.
Why? Take the low road, baby.
[FARTS]
It's so much more fun and profitable.
I mean, who would you rather be?
Weird Al Yankovic or Dido?
Dido.
You and I are very different people,
Donna.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello? Uh-huh.
Singing. Ha.
Don't have to pay royalties
on these babies.
[FARTING]
No, sir.
My creative output is entirely my own.
Cleveland.
It's about Loretta.
Loretta? Ha! What about her?
What about my lousy two-timing,
ugly-ass ex-wife?
She's dead.
Oh.
[FARTS]
Yes, I understand.
I will handle the arrangements.
Thank you for the sentiment.
[FARTS]
- Goodbye.
- I am so sorry, Cleveland.
Loretta had no next of kin in Quahog.
So one of my old friends
is driving the body down here.
The funeral is Friday.
[FARTS]
There she is.
Ugh. What a drive.
Thirteen hours is a long way
with only one hand on the wheel. Oh!
- Ha. Sex.
- You wanna see her?
Why is she wearing
a French maid's costume?
I wanted to nail a dead French maid.
- Giggity-giggity.
- I've missed you, Glenn.
- Do you know how she died?
- Yep.
It all started when Brian
dug up a brontosaurus skull.
All right, little more. Little more.
I'll have this sucker in the bedroom
in no time.
[WATCH BEEPS]
Oh, time for United States of Tara.
No, no, no.
Oh, God. Wait, what's that?
Oh, look at her gross boobs.
[ALL LAUGHING]
I'll run her over to the funeral home.
I'm heading up to Langley.
Got a background gag in a bachelor-party
scene on American Dad!
Oh, that's good. Paying work.
Save it. Have fun on your spinoff, Joey.
I will. And this ain't no Joey,
you one-note fuck!
We are so sorry, Cleveland. Please accept
our tuna for this difficult time.
It's a pity you two will have
to drop out of the karaoke finals.
Such a disappointment.
Excuse me?
I don't think we're dropping out.
Hell, no.
We're gonna win to spite Loretta.
She was an awful person.
How did Cleveland Jr. Take the news?
Why would my son care
that my ex-wife is dead?
Oh, boy.
[SINGING]
Warm white socks
Warm white socks
Gee, you were fun
Gee, you were fun
I washed and rolled you up in a ball
Carried you upstairs then down the hall
You make me feel 11 feet tall
My warm white socks
- Good evening, Cleveland Jr.
- Hello.
Son, I have some good news
and some bad news.
Well, can I have the good news first?
The good news is that I bought you
a handsome new funeral suit.
Wow!
[ROY ORBISON'S "PRETTY WOMAN"
PLAYING]
And now for the bad news.
Junior, your mother Loretta is dead.
[FARTS] The funeral is Friday.
Watch out for this boy, Lord.
Oh, I see.
Well, that's very sad news.
- Lf you wanna cry, it's okay.
- Don't hold it in, Junior.
I've been reading up on child grief...
- Oh, Dr. Gensler's book?
- Uh, I'm not sure.
In that free parenting magazine
they give away at the supermarket.
Oh, because Dr. Gensler said
that it's possible to grieve for a loss...
...before an actual death.
I've already mourned the loss of my mother
and that broken family.
And now I have a new family
that will love and support me in a way...
...that, unfortunately,
my biological mother never could.
I still don't know
if you're smart or stupid.
So you're okay?
I'm sad that Mom was never able to find
what she was looking for in her life, Daddy.
But, yeah, I'm okay.
Okay, Junior,
but we're here if you need us.
That boy is a ticking bomb.
- Say, you up for a nooner?
- No.
- What time is it?
- One-thirty.
- You up for a 1:30-er?
- No.
See you at 2:00.
[FARTS]
[BELL TOLLS]
Mm. Poor Junior. Keeping it all in.
You watch. In 20 minutes,
we'll be picking up the pieces.
And he's a big boy,
so there gonna be a lot of pieces.
[LAUGHS]
I'm sorry. That's inappropriate.
Loretta Brown
was a woman I did not know.
But according to Wikipedia...
...a woman by that name won a Grammy
in 1989 for best spoken-word album.
Another woman by that name,
or possibly her as well...
...served in the Australian parliament
between 1958 and 1964.
- Citation needed.
KENDRA: Praise the Lord.
We now commit the body of
Loretta Marie Callender Brown to the earth.
[WHIMPERS THEN CLEARS THROAT]
Stay strong, Junior.
[CRYING AND CLEARING THROAT]
[WAILING]
No! No! No!
It's too soon.
Why, God? Why?
[FARTING]
I'll miss you both.
All right, close it up.
Who's up for barbecue?
[CLEVELAND CRYING]
[WHIMPERING]
Do you still love her, Cleveland?
No. No, baby. I love you.
[FARTS]
Having an emotional breakdown...
...on your ex-wife's casket
is a strange way to show it.
I'm sure I'll have the same reaction
on your casket in front of my third wife.
Cleveland, that was the woman
you always complained about.
The woman who cheated,
who slept with your friends.
Well, one friend.
No, there were more.
Peter Griffin told me at our wedding.
Mayor West, OIlie Williams,
Frank Sinatra, Jr...
...the greased-up deaf man.
- Guy.
The point is, Cleveland,
she wasn't good to you.
I know. I have no idea what happened
at the funeral.
I don't know why I lost control
or why I'm still upset about it.
Well, you better...
[FART HISSES]
You'd better figure it out, Cleveland,
before you lose another wife.
I would slam the door
but the children are sleeping.
- I'll act as if you did.
- Thanks.
You don't have to be so damn dramatic.
RALLO: Don't worry, Cleveland.
She ain't leaving. She broke.
Hot tea, how classy.
- Do you take it with one dong or two?
- No, it's too hot for dongs.
Just honey.
It's good for the karaoke vocal chords.
Hey, maybe you and Donna
should just give up now, eh?
Whatever, Tim.
No, no, no. I'm just...
I'm giving you friendly trash talk.
Now you say something rude about me
or how fat my mama is.
Look, Tim,
Donna's not even speaking to me...
...much less singing with me.
- So you got nothing to worry about.
McFALL: Wrong. Dead wrong.
- Mrs. Hot Brown's singing with me.
- Say what?
Said she wanted to piss you off
by showing she'd be happier...
...singing with the most pathetic piece
of human garbage she could find.
Her words.
Ohh. I've got one wife that's dead
and one wife that hates me...
...just like O.J. Simpson.
He's hurting bad.
Why else would a black guy talk that way
about O.J. Simpson?
Yes. And what kind of friends would we be
if we didn't help him?
Normal American male friends.
Let's book while he's still in the john.
I don't understand, Loretta.
Why did I cry at your funeral?
You did me so wrong.
I moved on.
So why am I upset?
No, no, no.
Wait. That's it.
Peww!
MAN:
Ow! Hey, I'm trying to mourn over here.
Oh, it's a cookie. Thank you.
["ENDLESS LOVE" PLAYING
ON KARAOKE MACHINE]
[BOTH SINGING]
'Cause you
- You mean the world to me
- You mean the world to me
- Ohh
- Ohh
- I know
- I know
- I found in you
- I found in you
- My endless love
- My endless love
I am not gonna go out there
and sing "On Top of Spaghetti."
Well, how about
"Yes! We Have No Bananas?"
[GLASS SHATTERS]
Donna, wait.
There's something I gotta tell you.
What, Cleveland?
I figured out why I cried
at Loretta's funeral.
Survivor's guilt.
Survivor's guilt?
What does that mean, Cleveland?
It means I fell out of that bathtub...
...more times than could possibly be funny
and never a scratch.
She falls out once, breaks her neck,
and gets Quagmired.
It could have been me.
You cried at your ex-wife's funeral
because of survivor's guilt?
Donna, let me ask you something.
Would you cry if Robert died?
Hush your mouth.
You still wanna sleep with him,
don't you?
I'd like to be asked, so I can tell him no.
It's not how it seemed
when you first said you'd like to be asked.
Survivor's guilt.
No looking back?
No looking back.
McFALL:
Oh, my God. We do have more olives.
[SINGING] Love
Love will keep us together
Think of me, babe, whenever
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
- Where's the farting?
GUS: Any ass can sing.
We want the singing ass.
AUDIENCE [CHANTING]:
Cleveland, Cleveland, Cleveland.
Better give them what they want, baby.
- You are my soul mate.
AUDIENCE: Cleveland, Cleveland, Cleveland.
[FARTING IN RHYTHM]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[TIM CRYING]
You see, Arianna?
I told you you should have let me
take a poop on the stage.
Tim, that can't be your answer
to everything.
I love you, Cleveland.
I love you too, Loretta.
[FARTS]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
CLEVELAND:
Goodbye, Loretta.
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]
And I am proud to be
Right back in my hometown
With my new family
There's old friends and new friends
And even a bear
Through good times and bad times
It's true love we share
And so I found a place
Where everyone will know
My happy mustache face
This is The Cleveland Show
[CHUCKLES]
Bacon, cheese, eggs?
Smells like a Denny's in here.
But without the old-man stink.
You got that covered.
No, I smell like a middle-aged man:
Propecia, hot wings, and night sweats
from our adjustable-rate mortgage.
Now, pass those eggs.
Uh-uh. Remember what Dr. Fist said
about your cholesterol?
Yes. He said it was "appalling"
and "life-threatening."
- Pass the eggs.
- This is your breakfast, Cleveland.
The same breakfast you've been eating
for the past two weeks.
More Twigs?
Fiber Twigs,
the cereal that lowers your cholesterol.
[CRUNCHES]
Aah! I got a splinter.
Because you got a mouthful of wood
like usual.
Huh? Oh.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
ROBERTA: Hey.
- Oh, come on, baby.
I need you alive and healthy
for the karaoke contest this weekend.
We could win $500.
And I don't want a repeat
of our high school talent show.
[SINGING] Love
Love will keep us together
Donna, I got my license.
[FARTS]
- Oh, Roberta.
ROBERTA: I'm in my room!
That's your breakfast
getting down to business.
Here's your lunch.
Bran muffin, can of beans.
And for dessert, some of that Jamie Lee
Curtis yogurt that makes you poop.
[FARTS]
Damn, Daddy.
Remember when that cat crawled
in the air-conditioning duct and died?
And we couldn't get it out
for 16 months?
That was like a Glade Plugln
compared to this.
Ha, ha! Heat rises. I smell nothing.
Oh, what do you think you're...?
Aah! Oh, no. Oh, put me down.
Put me down.
[FARTS THEN GRUNTS]
[FARTING AND GRUNTING]
[GROANING]
Oh, what if they come in here?
What the...? Oh, my. Oh, no.
Auntie Em. Auntie Em.
[CAT SCREECHING]
Oh, Terry, hurry up. We gotta go.
But I'm not finished... Oh!
Oh, no.
Ow! Oh! Ow!
Oww! My urethra.
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTS AND FARTS]
I'm sorry, Terry.
But I'm on this new high-fiber diet.
And l... My hermaphrodite yogurt.
If you're gonna be my partner...
...I don't wanna hear one more fart
out of you, clear?
- Yes, sir.
- Good. Because l...
Oh, you bastard.
Ha, ha. Sometimes they no make a noise.
[COUGHING]
Look out!
[BOTH SCREAM]
I can't believe my last breath
is gonna be your ass gas.
I always knew we would die this way.
Goodbye, Terry.
[BOTH SCREAM]
- Gee, thanks, Mr. Flippers.
- Gee, thanks, Mr. Flippers.
Terry, always keep your eyes
on the road.
Will do.
And, Cleveland,
see a doctor about your ungodly flatulence.
- Yes, sir.
- Good.
See you later, peoples.
- Bye, Mr. Flippers.
- Bye, Mr. Flippers.
- You're deep.
- Thank you. I was a Philosophy major.
Everything checks out, Cleveland.
Your flatulence is a perfectly normal
side effect of a high-fiber diet.
So you're saying all this farting is okay?
No. I'm saying it's medically necessary.
But what about the social stigma?
Won't people consider me
a gross farting pig...
...like Tommy Lasorda?
- I'll write you a note.
You mean a free pass to pass gas
wherever and whenever I want to?
The medical term is a fart card.
But remember, Cleveland,
with great power comes great responsibility.
[IGGY POP'S "LUST FOR LIFE" PLAYING]
[GASPING]
Fart card.
I got a lust for life
[FARTS]
[RALLO LAUGHING]
A lust for life
[FARTS]
Well, I'm just a modern guy
Of course I've had it in the ear before
[FARTS]
'Cause of a lust for life
'Cause of a lust for life
["BOOGIE WOOGIE BUGLE BOY"
PLAYING ON KARAOKE MACHINE]
[SINGING]
He was a famous trumpet man
From out Chicago way
[SOFTLY]
He had a boogie style
That no one else could play
He was the top man at his craft
But then his number came up...
Ahem. What did I tell you?
You got to project, Kendra.
Sing like you do
when you're in your washtub out back.
A toot, a toot, a-tootin' and a toot
[SOBBING]
I'll never be no Kellie Pickler.
[EXIT MUSIC PLAYING]
Poor, fat Kendra.
Lester and Kendra, everybody.
Vote with your applause.
Wow, that really was not very popular.
You two will not advance to the finals
Sunday night.
And thus will not be winning
the 500-dollar grand prize.
Play them off, Charlie.
[DANIEL POWTER'S "BAD DAY"
PLAYING ON KARAOKE MACHINE]
[SINGING]
'Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
No regrets.
["YOU'RE ALL I NEED TO GET BY"
PLAYING ON KARAOKE MACHINE]
[SINGING]
Then when I lose my will
You'll be there to push me up the hill
- There's no, no looking back for us
- There's no, no looking back for us
- We've got love sure enough, that's enough
- We've got love sure enough, that's enough
- You're all, you're all I need to get by
- You're all, you're all I need to get by
That hairy beast can sing.
Gosh, gee whiz,
what a tough act to follow, huh?
Boy, I wouldn't wanna follow them.
Following them are Cleveland Brown
and his wife, Mrs. Cleveland Brown.
["I NEVER KNEW LOVE LIKE THIS BEFORE"
PLAYING ON KARAOKE MACHINE]
[SINGING]
I never knew love like this before
Now I'm lonely never more
Since you came into my life
You are my love light, this I know
And I'll never let you...
[FARTING]
Oh, you're my all...
Oh, boy. Your heart... Oh, it burns.
- Part of me. Oh, bad, bad.
Nothing but problems.
Once I was lost and now I'm found
- Then you turned my world around
- Ow! Ow! Oh! Ooh!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[FARTING IN RHYTHM]
'Cause I never knew love like this before
What a surprise
'Cause I never knew love like this before
[CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
Great job, folks. You made the finals.
Everybody be back here Sunday to watch
the Browns and the Bears face off...
...on national television.
[CROWD CHEERS]
Then after the football game...
...we'll turn off the TV
and finish our stupid karaoke contest.
I always thought
I had a God-given talent, Donna.
I'm a fartiste.
We get you farting too
and we'll be unbeatable.
Cleveland, I wanna win by singing.
Why? Take the low road, baby.
[FARTS]
It's so much more fun and profitable.
I mean, who would you rather be?
Weird Al Yankovic or Dido?
Dido.
You and I are very different people,
Donna.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello? Uh-huh.
Singing. Ha.
Don't have to pay royalties
on these babies.
[FARTING]
No, sir.
My creative output is entirely my own.
Cleveland.
It's about Loretta.
Loretta? Ha! What about her?
What about my lousy two-timing,
ugly-ass ex-wife?
She's dead.
Oh.
[FARTS]
Yes, I understand.
I will handle the arrangements.
Thank you for the sentiment.
[FARTS]
- Goodbye.
- I am so sorry, Cleveland.
Loretta had no next of kin in Quahog.
So one of my old friends
is driving the body down here.
The funeral is Friday.
[FARTS]
There she is.
Ugh. What a drive.
Thirteen hours is a long way
with only one hand on the wheel. Oh!
- Ha. Sex.
- You wanna see her?
Why is she wearing
a French maid's costume?
I wanted to nail a dead French maid.
- Giggity-giggity.
- I've missed you, Glenn.
- Do you know how she died?
- Yep.
It all started when Brian
dug up a brontosaurus skull.
All right, little more. Little more.
I'll have this sucker in the bedroom
in no time.
[WATCH BEEPS]
Oh, time for United States of Tara.
No, no, no.
Oh, God. Wait, what's that?
Oh, look at her gross boobs.
[ALL LAUGHING]
I'll run her over to the funeral home.
I'm heading up to Langley.
Got a background gag in a bachelor-party
scene on American Dad!
Oh, that's good. Paying work.
Save it. Have fun on your spinoff, Joey.
I will. And this ain't no Joey,
you one-note fuck!
We are so sorry, Cleveland. Please accept
our tuna for this difficult time.
It's a pity you two will have
to drop out of the karaoke finals.
Such a disappointment.
Excuse me?
I don't think we're dropping out.
Hell, no.
We're gonna win to spite Loretta.
She was an awful person.
How did Cleveland Jr. Take the news?
Why would my son care
that my ex-wife is dead?
Oh, boy.
[SINGING]
Warm white socks
Warm white socks
Gee, you were fun
Gee, you were fun
I washed and rolled you up in a ball
Carried you upstairs then down the hall
You make me feel 11 feet tall
My warm white socks
- Good evening, Cleveland Jr.
- Hello.
Son, I have some good news
and some bad news.
Well, can I have the good news first?
The good news is that I bought you
a handsome new funeral suit.
Wow!
[ROY ORBISON'S "PRETTY WOMAN"
PLAYING]
And now for the bad news.
Junior, your mother Loretta is dead.
[FARTS] The funeral is Friday.
Watch out for this boy, Lord.
Oh, I see.
Well, that's very sad news.
- Lf you wanna cry, it's okay.
- Don't hold it in, Junior.
I've been reading up on child grief...
- Oh, Dr. Gensler's book?
- Uh, I'm not sure.
In that free parenting magazine
they give away at the supermarket.
Oh, because Dr. Gensler said
that it's possible to grieve for a loss...
...before an actual death.
I've already mourned the loss of my mother
and that broken family.
And now I have a new family
that will love and support me in a way...
...that, unfortunately,
my biological mother never could.
I still don't know
if you're smart or stupid.
So you're okay?
I'm sad that Mom was never able to find
what she was looking for in her life, Daddy.
But, yeah, I'm okay.
Okay, Junior,
but we're here if you need us.
That boy is a ticking bomb.
- Say, you up for a nooner?
- No.
- What time is it?
- One-thirty.
- You up for a 1:30-er?
- No.
See you at 2:00.
[FARTS]
[BELL TOLLS]
Mm. Poor Junior. Keeping it all in.
You watch. In 20 minutes,
we'll be picking up the pieces.
And he's a big boy,
so there gonna be a lot of pieces.
[LAUGHS]
I'm sorry. That's inappropriate.
Loretta Brown
was a woman I did not know.
But according to Wikipedia...
...a woman by that name won a Grammy
in 1989 for best spoken-word album.
Another woman by that name,
or possibly her as well...
...served in the Australian parliament
between 1958 and 1964.
- Citation needed.
KENDRA: Praise the Lord.
We now commit the body of
Loretta Marie Callender Brown to the earth.
[WHIMPERS THEN CLEARS THROAT]
Stay strong, Junior.
[CRYING AND CLEARING THROAT]
[WAILING]
No! No! No!
It's too soon.
Why, God? Why?
[FARTING]
I'll miss you both.
All right, close it up.
Who's up for barbecue?
[CLEVELAND CRYING]
[WHIMPERING]
Do you still love her, Cleveland?
No. No, baby. I love you.
[FARTS]
Having an emotional breakdown...
...on your ex-wife's casket
is a strange way to show it.
I'm sure I'll have the same reaction
on your casket in front of my third wife.
Cleveland, that was the woman
you always complained about.
The woman who cheated,
who slept with your friends.
Well, one friend.
No, there were more.
Peter Griffin told me at our wedding.
Mayor West, OIlie Williams,
Frank Sinatra, Jr...
...the greased-up deaf man.
- Guy.
The point is, Cleveland,
she wasn't good to you.
I know. I have no idea what happened
at the funeral.
I don't know why I lost control
or why I'm still upset about it.
Well, you better...
[FART HISSES]
You'd better figure it out, Cleveland,
before you lose another wife.
I would slam the door
but the children are sleeping.
- I'll act as if you did.
- Thanks.
You don't have to be so damn dramatic.
RALLO: Don't worry, Cleveland.
She ain't leaving. She broke.
Hot tea, how classy.
- Do you take it with one dong or two?
- No, it's too hot for dongs.
Just honey.
It's good for the karaoke vocal chords.
Hey, maybe you and Donna
should just give up now, eh?
Whatever, Tim.
No, no, no. I'm just...
I'm giving you friendly trash talk.
Now you say something rude about me
or how fat my mama is.
Look, Tim,
Donna's not even speaking to me...
...much less singing with me.
- So you got nothing to worry about.
McFALL: Wrong. Dead wrong.
- Mrs. Hot Brown's singing with me.
- Say what?
Said she wanted to piss you off
by showing she'd be happier...
...singing with the most pathetic piece
of human garbage she could find.
Her words.
Ohh. I've got one wife that's dead
and one wife that hates me...
...just like O.J. Simpson.
He's hurting bad.
Why else would a black guy talk that way
about O.J. Simpson?
Yes. And what kind of friends would we be
if we didn't help him?
Normal American male friends.
Let's book while he's still in the john.
I don't understand, Loretta.
Why did I cry at your funeral?
You did me so wrong.
I moved on.
So why am I upset?
No, no, no.
Wait. That's it.
Peww!
MAN:
Ow! Hey, I'm trying to mourn over here.
Oh, it's a cookie. Thank you.
["ENDLESS LOVE" PLAYING
ON KARAOKE MACHINE]
[BOTH SINGING]
'Cause you
- You mean the world to me
- You mean the world to me
- Ohh
- Ohh
- I know
- I know
- I found in you
- I found in you
- My endless love
- My endless love
I am not gonna go out there
and sing "On Top of Spaghetti."
Well, how about
"Yes! We Have No Bananas?"
[GLASS SHATTERS]
Donna, wait.
There's something I gotta tell you.
What, Cleveland?
I figured out why I cried
at Loretta's funeral.
Survivor's guilt.
Survivor's guilt?
What does that mean, Cleveland?
It means I fell out of that bathtub...
...more times than could possibly be funny
and never a scratch.
She falls out once, breaks her neck,
and gets Quagmired.
It could have been me.
You cried at your ex-wife's funeral
because of survivor's guilt?
Donna, let me ask you something.
Would you cry if Robert died?
Hush your mouth.
You still wanna sleep with him,
don't you?
I'd like to be asked, so I can tell him no.
It's not how it seemed
when you first said you'd like to be asked.
Survivor's guilt.
No looking back?
No looking back.
McFALL:
Oh, my God. We do have more olives.
[SINGING] Love
Love will keep us together
Think of me, babe, whenever
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
- Where's the farting?
GUS: Any ass can sing.
We want the singing ass.
AUDIENCE [CHANTING]:
Cleveland, Cleveland, Cleveland.
Better give them what they want, baby.
- You are my soul mate.
AUDIENCE: Cleveland, Cleveland, Cleveland.
[FARTING IN RHYTHM]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[TIM CRYING]
You see, Arianna?
I told you you should have let me
take a poop on the stage.
Tim, that can't be your answer
to everything.
I love you, Cleveland.
I love you too, Loretta.
[FARTS]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
CLEVELAND:
Goodbye, Loretta.
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]