The Carrie Diaries (2013–2014): Season 2, Episode 5 - Too Close for Comfort - full transcript

(Carrie)
Before there was sex...

before there was the city,
there was just me,

Carrie... Carrie Bradshaw
from Castlebury, Connecticut.

Can I help you?

Hi, sir.
I'm Dorrit's boyfriend.

What the hell is going on?
If I didn't meet your dad,

he'd never let you
out of the house again.

That wasn't your call.
It was mine.

You pretend to be above
the idea of commitment,

but the truth is,
you're just afraid to connect.

I'm not afraid of commitment.



I'm sure the girls at
your school are all over you.

Not the one that matters.

How about you,
my budding literary lion?

How's the pitch coming?

Well, I think I've finally
narrowed it down to Adam Weaver.

(Walt) The young playwright
I've been reading about

in Arts & Leisure?

Some of us are headed
to McSorley's to grab a drink.

You wanna come?
Yeah, I'd love to.

You get me a juicy interview,
and I will publish it.

- This is definitely off the record.
- Definitely.

The Carrie Diaries 02x05
Too Close For Comfort
Original Air Date November 22, 2013

New York is a big city
with very small living spaces.

A house party in Manhattan
makes intimate conversation



not only possible,
but essential.

And conversing intimately

was one of the things
Weaver and I did best.

Yes, I-I wanna be
a journalist.

Uh, but not the objective,
detached kind. Mm-hmm.

I wanna use my own voice.

You know, let people know
I've been there and seen it.

Ah. You're a Gonzo.

- Gonzo?
- Hunter Thompson.

Gonzo journalism.

Not to be confused
with Gonzo the Great...

The greatest Muppet character
ever.

Uh, yes. Blue fur,
purple feathers,

wild-eyed optimism.
Mm-hmm.

In love with, uh...

Camilla the chicken.

Yes. (Laughs)
(Chuckles)

But anyway,
back to Hunter Thompson.

- Right.
- You're out of cups.

And this wine is cheaper
than my press-on nails.

(Chuckles) Oh, well.

When in Rome.

(Howard Jones) ♪ whoa, whoa,
whoa-oh-oh, whoa-whoa ♪

Why don't you two just
get a room already?

This is Weaver's room.

Oh, yeah. Then why don't you
kick everyone the hell out?

Mmm.

Bass player in a wifebeater.

Yummy.

Wow. She is a character.

Oh, she sure is.
(Laughs)

You know, all these... all these
characters in our lives

are fodder for our writing.
And then you see...

You see that guy in the fedora
and the wader boots?

Mm-hmm.

That's, like, his uniform.
(Laughs)

He inspired my short play
"The Fishy Detective."

(Laughs) Oh!
(Laughs)

- Right?
- I love it!

- And I love dating a writer.
- Mmm.

You wanna know
my favorite part?

My devastating good looks
and killer charm?

(Giggles)

Listening to the clacking
of your typewriter

when I'm falling asleep.

♪

♪ whoa, whoa,
whoa-oh-oh, whoa-whoa ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh

♪ whoa, whoa, whoa-oh-oh,
whoa-whoa ♪

Whenever Weaver and I
were together,

it felt like we were alone
in our own little world.

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa-whoa,
oh-oh-oh ♪

I love watching you write
in your cute little diary.

It's not a little diary!

It's a sophisticated journal.

And just for the record,

there are plenty
of heavyweight writers

that have kept journals...

Virginia Woolf, Joan Didion...

Franz Kafka. I know.
(Chuckles) I know.

My favorite cockroach owes
his existential existence

to a journal.

I tried a typewriter.

I just wanna be able to write
whenever the mood strikes,

so I just carry my journal
everywhere.

Ugh. I'm jealous.

I haven't seen daylight
in weeks

because I'm chained to
my typewriter.

At least it's...
it's paying off.

I just finished the first act
of my play.

You did?

- Mm-hmm.
- That's amazing.

- Can I read it?
- Oh, no way.

It's not personal.

No, I never let anyone read
my work until it's finished.

Writing is... is a-a sacred thing.
Private.

I totally respect that.

I would never let anyone read
my journal.

It's just... (Inhales deeply)
It's way too intimate.

See, and I love
dating a writer, too.

You get me.

You think of me as a writer?

I love that.

So can you at least tell me what
your new play is about?

Of course.

My ex-girlfriend Katja.

(Samantha) Who cares? It's not
like he's sleeping with her.

It's like we're both sleeping
with her.

Like she's right there
in the room with us.

I knew a Katja once.
She was hot.

Not helping.

I thought listening to
the clacking of his typewriter

as I fell asleep was romantic.

Little did I know
those clacks were conjuring up

some tall, hot vixen named
Katja.

Sounds like a three-way
without the fun.

If your man brings a bombshell
into the bedroom named Katja,

you might as well get
some good sex out of it.

Thankfully,
we haven't had sex yet.

What?

You and Weaver still haven't
had sex?

Well, pretty much as close to it
as you can get.

What are you waiting for?
A rich arab?

Never fake your virginity
with an arab, by the way.

They have ways
to suss it out of you.

It was dreadful.

I was thinking of faking
the opposite with Weaver...

Pretending I'm not a virgin.

(Lowered voice) You haven't
told him you're a virgin?

No, and I don't plan on it.

I made such a big deal out of it
with Sebastian.

I mean, it was just a mess.

I don't want
my lingering virginity

to put pressure on
my relationship with Weaver.

So if you have sex with Weaver,

how do you plan on faking
your non-virginity?

Well, I figure pain and pleasure
sound sort of the same.

Grunting is grunting.
Just don't scream "Ow."

Anyway, I'm not even sure I want
to have sex with someone

who's still intimately involved
with his ex.

I mean, even if it is
just in his imagination.

When you're in
a new relationship,

you have to mentally
and physically

cut all ties with exes.

I don't know.
I mean, maybe in some cases,

it is possible to be friends
with an ex?

Like you and Sebastian?

No, not like me and Sebastian.

We are the opposite case.

There's just too much pain
and wreckage between us.

We're respectful, yet distant.

Like when we pass
in the hallways,

we just keep our heads down,
nod ever so slightly,

and keep walking.

I remember how awkward it was
in high school

when you run into an ex.
I had to quit Spanish

after sleeping with Señor Gomez,
and English and history.

High school was just full
of opportunities.

Yes, it is.

But not to sleep
with the faculty...

To prove yourself.
(Scoffs)

That is why I am president
of the Homecoming Committee.

It's not my thing,
but I will put up with

a bunch of idiot cheerleaders
with pom-poms

to beef up with college apps.

All this talk of pom-poms
reminds me

I have to go display mine
at my new job.

(Bills rustle,
chair scrapes floor)

There's nothing like
getting paid to be naked.

See you later, girls.

Bye.
See you.

(Footsteps depart, door opens)

(Whispers) Do you think
she's a call girl?

Stripper.

Yeah.

Most people find being naked
in front of others

to be an intimate act.

Some, like, Samantha,
find being naked

as matter of fact as
shaking hands.

Since you took over
as the artist model,

enrollment in my class
has tripled.

The arts student league
is suddenly the place to be.

Honey, this is nothing.
Once word of mouth hits,

you'll have to rent
grand central station

to fit all the artists who want.

While nothing was too intimate
for Samantha,

Sebastian was feeling uncomfortably
close to his mom.

So what's this about, Ma?

Can't I just have lunch
with my handsome son?

This isn't something
we ever do.

And you hate
coming to this house,

so I'm pretty sure
there's a point to it.

I do have some wonderful news
I want to share with you.

Lucas and I are
getting married.

Married?

To the tennis instructor?

Mm. Look at my ring.

He picked it out himself.

Did he pay for it himself?

Now that's just cruel.

Don't do that.
It doesn't suit you.

I just...
I worry about you, mom.

Mm. You shouldn't.

Lucas makes me so happy.

We have so many
common interests.

We travel.
We work out together.

He's 24.

(Chuckles) Age doesn't matter.

Don't you want me to be happy?

Yeah, of course I do, but...

No "Buts". (Laughs)

If you love me,

you'll want to celebrate
my marriage to Lucas.

A toast?

(Clink)

Doesn't Mr. Byrne look like
the monster Grendel?

(Laughs) Totally.
He looks like a troll.

Who looks like a troll?

Miller.
What are you doing here?

I just wanted to see
my girlfriend,

and I couldn't wait
till 4:00.

See you in class, Dorrit.

See ya.

Who was that?

I don't like him.
He was checking you out.

Gabe Levitt?

Are you kidding?
He's a geek from my trig class.

You don't know guys, Dorrit.

You need to stay away from him.

The next time
he gives me his notes

on the Law of Cosines,
I'll be sure to say "No."

(Laughs) He offers you
his notes.

He's totally hitting on you.

Please do not tell me

you came here to talk about
some nerd in my math class.

So you know how

my whole house is a dust pit
covered in plastic?

My 'rents decided to bail,

so I have the whole place
to myself.

Okay.

You can stay the whole week.

I can't sleep out
on a school night.

Just say you have, like,

a project with Audrey
you have to finish.

So we can hang around
in a construction site?

A couple weeks ago,

you would've slept in a dumpster
just to be alone with me.

I gotta get to class.
I'll call you later, okay?

Yeah, okay.

I'll be
at the record store, so...

Call me.

You got yourself a smotherer.

What? No, he's not.

He just really likes
spending time with me.

A guy who hangs all over you?

At first,
it's all sweet and romantic.

And then one day you're like,

"Help! He's trying
to suffocate me!"

Ring true?

And while
my sister was wondering

if Miller was getting
too close...

I was making sure my ex didn't.

We each stayed
our separate course,

like ships passing
in the night.

But following the rules

never had been
Sebastian's strong point.

Carrie, can I talk to you
for a minute?

Uh, yeah. S-sure.

I'm sorry to
come up and bother you.

No, it's... it's no bother.
It's no big deal.

So what's up?

So this is awkward.

No, it's not awkward.
It's...

Okay. Maybe... maybe a little.

Well, I meant
what I have to ask you.

Oh. (Chuckles) Right.

But this is awkward, too.

Yeah, and I just made it
that much more so.

Um, so what is it
you wanted to ask me?

I was hoping I could
talk to your dad.

Is everything okay?

Are you in trouble?

Believe it or not,
I am not in trouble.

It's my mom.

She's marrying
that tennis instructor.

Wow. That's...

Embarrassing. Awful.
Potentially tragic.

I'm sorry. Are you okay?

Pretty sure I blacked out
when she started talking about

giving me a baby brother
or sister.

I-I don't even know
what to say.

I didn't think she could
surprise me, but...

Well...
Whatever you need.

I was hoping your dad could
give me some advice

to make sure
my mom's protected.

Yeah, of course. I know
he'd be happy to help you.

Thanks.

Mm-hmm.

I thought you weren't talking
to Sebastian.

I'm not.

Carrie!

You can't just open the door
to an ex.

You give an ex an inch,
he'll take a mile.

It's nothing like that.
Sebastian's...

going through something.
I can't get into it.

And I'm just helping him...
as a friend.

I thought you said

you and Sebastian
couldn't be friends.

And you're keeping secrets with him now?
(Unzips backpack)

This is worse than I thought.

We both agreed you can't
be involved with him.

I'm not.

I just talked to him
in the hallway.

I-I'm not writing about him
or involved with an ex,

like some people.

Still tormented by Katja?

Mm. Completely.

You know, I get that I'm not
allowed to read Weaver's play.

But suddenly,

I feel like there's all this
stuff that I should know about.

Like how he felt about her?

Yeah.
How he feels about her.

I mean, for all I know...
(Zips backpack)

He's still pining, and I'm just
some pale substitute

keeping Katja's space warm
in the bed

until he can win her back.

Wouldn't it be so weird
if you looked like her?

Like one of those creepy
Hitchcock movies.

Ha ha.

I'm sure he's gonna bludgeon me
in the shower

or have birds attack me.

Just ask him about her.

If Weaver was hiding something,

he wouldn't have brought her up
in the first place.

You're right.

I'll do that.
I'll just ask him.

But if you look like her,
I'd run for the hills.

(Gasps) I have to go.

West promised me he'd give me
feedback on my Homecoming float!

Oh, poor West.

So? What did you think?
Isn't it beautiful?

Yeah. It... it looked good.

Good? That's it?

Didn't you love
the color ochre I picked?

Sure.

Sure?
It's awesomely autumnal.

I guess.

(Sighs) Just say it.

You obviously don't like
the float.

No, I do.

It's just that it could a little
bit of... glitter or something.

Glitter? I hate glitter.

Glitter is messy and expensive

and an insufficient use
of funds.

Oh, my God. It's almost time.

Countdown to the Homecoming King
and Queen results.

I'm dying.

I need to prepare
for my photo op.

Blue mascara wand now.

Wait. Who the hell are you?

I'm Jen.

What... what happened
to the other Jen?

Her parents moved,
and actually, I prefer "Jenny."

Actually... (Chuckles)

No, you don't.

(Opens compact) (Clears throat)

Homecoming monarchy
is so stupid.

Why do we perpetuate
such archaic, empty figureheads

to be filled by empty people?

(P. A. Tone chimes)
I move to abolish.

(Microphone feedback whines)
(Man over P.A.) Class of 1986,

hold on to your hats.

Your Homecoming Queen is
the lovely Donna Ladonna!

Ohh!

And your Homecoming King...

Star athlete and scholar

Thomas West!

(Students cheer)

Did they just say
Thomas West? As in you?

(Laughs) Yeah,
I think they did.

(Bell rings) Congratulations.

You're meeting me at the gym,
right? To finish the float.

Yeah. I-I'll try.

Are you exhausted?

Posing all day
must be so tiring.

It's invigorating.

Lounging around naked,
being admired

is one of my favorite pastimes.

(Chuckles) Getting paid for
it's icing on the cake.

And the best part of the deal

is living here in the studio
at night.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm so glad
you're enjoying it.

It's clean and it's spacious,

and all the art depicts
a subject I love...

my own nude form.

This is Bob's work.

He's got talent.

See his use
of color and shadow?

All I can see is how
he perfectly captured

my fabulous bod.

(Chuckles)

What the hell is this?!

It's a broken heart.

Obviously, Gordon sees
something in you...

Something sad and wounded.

There's no sadness in me.

What a load of crap.

In the divorce, my dad
had to pay a pretty penny,

and I wanna make sure no one
can take that away from her.

Well, and someday, that money
should be yours, Sebastian.

I don't care about that.

I only care
about protecting my mom.

You are a great kid.

My first impression about you
was way off,

and I'm sorry about that.

Well, no apology necessary.

Your first impression of me

was that I'd been
thrown out of school

for having an affair
with my teacher.

Not my finest moment.

You were a kid that
got taken advantage of,

and I should have
recognized that.

Hey, I get it.

If I had a daughter
like Carrie,

I'd probably wouldn't
let any guy near her.

Yeah. Carrie's something.

Yes, she is.

Well, I'd like to help you
myself, Sebastian,

but I don't practice
family law.

What I can do is give you
a list of excellent lawyers

who specialize in prenups.

That would be great.

I'm sorry you have to deal
with this.

It's a heavy burden to carry.

Hey, as long as my mom's okay,
I'm all right.

I'll, uh, I'll just run upstairs
and get you those phone numbers.

- Okay?
- All right. Thanks, Mr. Bradshaw.

Oh.

Um... I-I knew
you were coming over.

I-I just... I thought
you'd be gone by now.

I hope I'm not intruding.

Oh, it's okay.
We're pretty much done.

And your dad was very helpful.

Good. I'm glad.

Why do you look like

you've been finger-painting
with kindergartners? (Chuckles)

Oh. (Chuckles)

Yeah, I was helping Mouse
finish the float.

And my painting skills

are pretty much
at the kindergarten level.

You're covered.
(Chuckles)

You got paint in your hair.
(Chuckles nervously)

(Telephone rings)

(Chuckles)

(Sighs)

Hey, Carrie.
(Ring)

(Receiver picks up)
(Tom) Hello?

Um, I-I was only helping out

because West was too busy
with his Homecoming King duties.

But I'm guessing Mouse
must be regretting

asking me to pitch in.
(Chuckles)

I bet not.

Carrie, it's for you.
It's some guy named Weaver.

Weaver?

Uh...

Oh, I see you found Sebastian.

Yes, I did find Sebastian.

Um, if you'll both excuse me
a second,

I-I have to take
this... this call.

(Drops backpack)
Uh, it's from a friend.

Weaver from work.

He's a work friend.

Ah. Is he a new hire
at "Interview"?

You never mentioned him.

Oh, um, sort of. He...

He freelances.

Weaver?

- Hi.
- Hey.

(Lowered voice)
Can you hold on a minute?

Uh, sure. Yeah, I think I've got
a few more quarters.

Carrie, you're...
You're tied up, literally.

I'm just gonna take off.
Okay?

Um, yeah. Sure.

I'll... I'll see you
at school.

Night, Bradshaw.

Night, Kydd.

(Footsteps depart, door opens)

(Door closes) Hi.

Sorry. Um, I can talk now.

Great. Hey, who was that?

Oh, that was just, um...

One of my dad's clients.

I've heard of doctor
house calls, but lawyers?

I think this is a first.

Yes, his... his clients...
they just pop in.

He's... he's a lawyer

who's extremely close
with his clients.

Well, good for them.

So I was thinking
maybe it might be fun

to have an adventure in the city
Saturday.

You and me.
Would you be up for that?

A date?

Saturday?

Yes.

Sure.
Yes, it's... it's a date.

That was redundant,
wasn't it? (Laughs)

- Kind of.
- Well, anyway,

I'll... I'll just...
I'll see you then.

Yeah, see you, Carrie.

They say the most intimate
thing you can do

is lie with a man.

I wasn't quite sure
what they would say

about lying to two men.

But it was starting to seem
like a problem.

♪

(School bell rings)

(Indistinct conversations)

Sebastian was at your house?

No, it's not what you think.

He was there to talk to my dad

about that thing
that he's going through

that I can't tell you about.

But then we started talking,

and then he brushed paint chips
out of my hair.

I warned you
not to open that door!

Well, I just opened
my real door,

not the metaphorical one.

In this case,
there's no difference.

I smell disaster.

It's going to sabotage
your relationship with Weaver.

I know it was a mistake.

But I only opened the door
a crack. I can still fix it.

Yes, you can.

Just slam that door shut.

I will.
The next time I see Sebastian,

I'm just going back
to my lowered head nod thing.

Good. And I'm going back
to finishing my float

while my boyfriend is
off gallivanting

with that dragon Donna Ladonna.

Wait.
You don't actually care

that Donna is Queen
to West's King, do you?

Why should I care?

They're only off getting their
photos taken with the mayor,

while I'm slaving away,

making this stupid float
for them to stand on.

What girl wouldn't want her
boyfriend playing puppet monarch

with a pouty sexpot?

It's like a nightmare
come true.

Come on, Mouse.

You know West would never be
attracted to someone like Donna.

He's so much cooler than that.

Well, it's still annoying.

And apparently West is so cool,

he's the most popular boy
in school.

Yeah, he is.

(John Denver) ♪ He was born
in the summer ♪

♪ of his 27th year

You know, when I first heard
this song,

I started thinking that Grace
and I should move to Colorado.

It just made the rockies
seem so magical.

♪ Behind him

oh. Hey.

Surprise!
Hey!

I invited Miller to dinner.

His house is
under construction.

How did you even know
about that?

Well, he stopped by
this morning

to give me this album...
John Denver...

And, uh, we, uh,
we got to talking.

Maybe I should leave you
to talking.

Seems like you really enjoy
each other's company.

Wouldn't want to get
in the way.

I know
I'm the third wheel here.

It's just nice
having someone around

who appreciates my music.

Didn't realize
you were into folk music.

Didn't you tell me

the banjo was the most annoying
instrument ever invented?

I like all music.

And besides, it was
really cool of your dad

to rescue me from another night
of fruity pebbles.

You know what?

There is no reason you should
have to suffer like that

for another week.
Why don't you stay with us?

Huh? As long as it's okay
with your parents.

Well, they'll be
totally okay with it.

I'm sure they'll be thrilled
to get me out of that dust pit.

(Chuckles) Are you serious?

You're actually inviting my
boyfriend to stay in our house?

(Sighs) This is just freaky.

Miller can stay with rules,
of course.

He sleeps on the sofa.
Doors are kept open.

See, Dorrit? Your dad's not
quite as square as you think.

Huh? So what do you say?

That would be rad.

Besides,
with our busy schedules,

it'll be nice to get
some time together.

Welcome to the Bradshaw Hotel.

Did you see the look
on the mayor's face

when you shook his hand?
I think you crushed it.

I guess I have
a strong handshake.

(Giggles) I love a man with strong hands.
(Chuckles)

Hey, babe.
How's the float coming?

What is that?

Are your eyes impaired
along with your brain?

It's a pumpkin
for the front of the float.

Pumpkins signify autumn,
the harvest.

Pumpkins signify just one thing
to me... the hideous color orange.

Orange clashes
with my complexion.

I'm best in cool colors...
blues, violet, pale green.

Trash the pumpkin and make
some grapes or something.

I will not trash the pumpkin.

I'm your Queen,
and... (Chuckles)

I command you to trash it.

You are going to ride
an orange float and like it.

I refuse to ride
on a drab float.

At least spruce it up
with some glitter.

Glitter?

(Exhales)

You both love glitter so much,
why don't you finish the float?

Commoners can be so touchy.

Mouse, what's wrong?

There's nothing wrong!

What makes you think
there's anything wrong?

You've been edgy ever since
the whole Homecoming King thing.

Are you jealous of Donna?

You think I'd be jealous of that
empty-headed blow-up doll?

But you're obviously upset.

Look...

I know I'm not popular.

I know most people
don't like me.

Mouse, that's crazy.

I love you,
and so do your friends.

(Voice breaking)
That amounts to

all of around
four people on earth,

plus my parents, who are
essentially forced to love me.

So... that doesn't count.

The number doesn't matter.

Hey, math genius.

(Breathes deeply)

Numbers always matter.

(Door bell jingles)

And there he was...

The ex who had become too close.
(Door closes)

I was determined to return
to our post-mating dance...

The ritual that ensured
our separateness.

Just two ships
passing in the night.

But a wave of concern
unexpectedly washed over me,

and suddenly I was shipwrecked.

Hey.

You okay?

Yeah.

I know you,
and you're not okay.

(Indistinct conversations)

I got in a fight with my mom.

I tried to talk to her
about a prenup.

Did not go well.

She gave me an ultimatum...

either I show up at her wedding

or she'll cut me out
of her life.

Mm. What are you gonna do?

Show up, stand there,

and watch my mother make
this huge mistake.

This is why you're supposed
to have siblings,

so you don't have to go through
this kind of hell alone.

Do you want me to go with you?

Oh, yeah, no.
You don't have to do that.

I wasn't fishing for an offer.

No, I know.
I'd really like to go.

I-I don't mean I'd really like
to go because it sounds fun.

I mean, it sounds awful.

I just... I'd like
to be there for you.

Okay. Well...

if you mean it,
I'd love the company.

Yeah, of course.

Um, when is it?

This weekend. My mom doesn't
believe in waiting.

Saturday?

Yeah, Saturday night.

I-I totally get it
if you have other plans.

Don't worry about it.

Oh. Uh...

Well, I have to be in the city
during the day.

Uh, just for work.

But, um, I can be there.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll be there.

Are you sure?

Totally sure.

Yeah, one thing's during
the day, the other's at night.

It... it's no problem.

All right, thanks, Carrie.

I'd meant to close the door on
my relationship with Sebastian.

Instead, I'd opened
a can of worms.

(Boat horn blows)

I've never walked across
a bridge before.

The Brooklyn bridge is one of
my favorite spots in the city.

It's got an awesome history.

It's so beautiful.

It's like magic
that it even exists.

All those wires and concrete.

And the bridge was a beast
to build.

The... the first builder
crushed his foot and died,

so then his son took over.

But then his son got
decompression sickness

from working
in the submerged towers,

so his wife trained
as an engineer

to execute his plans.

I mean, so much happened,
but in the end,

the bridge turned out to be

six times stronger
than it needed to be.

Are you still in love
with Katja?

What? No.

It's just, you're writing
a play about her.

And I know I can't read it,
which is fine.

But you're spending
all your time

thinking about some other girl,

and all I know is
her name is Katja.

That's... kind of
worrying me.

Are you still into her?

No.

No. Katja is
a psycho bitch.

(Sighs) Oh!
(Laughs)

Thank God. (Laughs)

I mean, I'm sorry.
(Laughs)

But... sort of relieved.

No, I was, uh,

look, I was in a bad place
when I was dating Katja.

Staying up late, partying,

not being productive.

Writing about Katja is

my way of letting go of
that painful time in my life.

I totally get that.

That relationship is a lot like
the Brooklyn bridge.

You know, a lot of people went
through a lot to build it,

but now there's
this magical bridge.

You're the bridge.

I'm the bridge?

Strong
yet incredibly beautiful.

Oh, you really are gifted with words.
(Laughs)

Hey, hey.

I promise, Katja is nothing
to be upset about.

Okay, it's not like I'm still
in contact with her.

If I was,
that would be a problem.

It would?

Yeah.

You can't move on while you're
still entangled with an ex.

It's just too tricky.

Yeah. So...

H-hypothetically,
it would be a problem for you

if I was still close to an ex?

Yeah.

(Thunderclap)

Oh, no!

Hey, here. Come on.

(Horns honking)

(Rainfall, thunder rumbling)

It's lucky that your parents
live so close to the bridge.

And even luckier that they're
out of town, since I hate them.

(Both chuckle)

Here. Here's some clothes
if you wanna change.

Bathroom's down the hall.
(Chuckles)

It's... they're not
Carrie Bradshaw chic,

but at least they're dry.

Thank you. (Laughs)

Oh, and there should be
one towel in there.

Um, I'll go hunt for some more.

Okay. Can you also hunt
for some food?

I'm starving.

They've been gone for weeks.

I doubt there's anything
but some stale crackers.

No worries. I always have
emergency fruit.

Can you go upstairs and grab
the banana from my purse?

Wait. I-I'm sorry. You...

You carry fruit in your purse?

Yeah. That's how
my mother raised me.

Oh. That way, I always
have a provision

in case of an emergency.

You know,
like a sudden rainstorm

in the middle of a date.

But doesn't... doesn't the fruit
get smooshed?

Not if you wrap it neatly
in a napkin.

(Whispers) Oh.
Which reminds me,

please bring down my banana
and my napkin.

- At your service.
(Giggles) - Thanks.

All right, time's up for today.

So I'll see you all in class
on Monday.

(Indistinct conversations)

You're Gordon, aren't you?

Yeah.

Your work's very intense.

I bet you're intense about
a lot of things.

(Door bell jingling)

Ugh!

My feet are killing me.

I thought being queen was gonna
be about handmaidens serving me,

but instead I'm serving
the unwashed masses

like Mother Frickin' Theresa.

Come on.
You know you love it.

Well, it is
what I was born to do.

So how's it going
with the smotherer?

You might've been right
about him. (Sighs)

How far has it gotten?

Is he showing up at your house
unannounced?

Worse. He got my dad to let him
move into my house.

Ugh. This is a bad case.

He wasn't always like this.

It seems like once I started
school and got busy,

he got clingy-er.

Classic progression.

And what's so weird

is that I was in love with him,
like, a week ago.

I loved the songs he wrote.

And it's not just his stupid
songs that make me wanna puke.

Even the color of his lips
are barfy.

He curdled.

All men have expiration dates,
like milk.

Once they've turned,
they've gotta be tossed.

I don't know
if Miller's curdled

or if it's having him
in the midst of my family

that's making me sick.

Go home and double-check.

If he's gone sour, you'll know.

Much better,

though these sweatpants are
a wee bit too long.

Did you find my banana?

That's not my banana.
That's my journal.

What are you doing?

You're reading my journal?

It... it was right there
next to the banana, and I...

What, and you felt compelled
to open it up and... and read it?

You, who lectured me
on how writing is sacred?

I know. It's... it's...
It's a total double standard.

I don't know what came over me.

Okay, I've... I've...

I've never done anything
like this before, ever.

I mean, some... something
about you, I-I lose my senses.

Ugh. Don't try that on me.

You can't flatter your way
out of this one. I'm not.

I just... I-I wanna know
everything about you,

everything you're thinking.

Every thought in... in that...
that beautiful, crazy,

interesting head of yours,
and it was...

it was right there,
like, beckoning me, okay?

And I...

(Claps hands)

Ugh. I-I...

(Sighs)

It's no excuse.

I'm so sorry.

You should be.

But in a way,
I'm almost glad I did,

because we... we clearly have
a lot to talk about.

Yeah. Uh, I guess...

We do.

(Grunts)

I-I've tried to tell you.

I just...
I don't know how.

You just say it. (Laughs)

Be honest.

Look, it's more complicated
for me

because we go to
high school together...

There's nothing complicated
about being a virgin.

It's not something
you should feel weird about,

but it's kind of something
I should know.

What?

Oh.

Wow. Right.

I mean, why... why would you
keep that from me?

I just didn't want to make it
seem important.

I did that once before,
and... and it blew up in my face.

It is important.

Having sex for the first time
is a big deal.

I mean, look,
things have been great

and heading in
a certain direction,

at least, I hope.

But if I'm gonna be your first,

I want it to mean something.

Yeah. I know.

I-I just don't want it
to become this big thing

that just takes over.

I get it. But I want you
to be open with me.

I... I really like you,
Carrie.

So much.

And you... your first time
should be special.

Hopefully, it can... it can
be special with me.

- Carrie...
- No, don't talk.

But are you sure?

Really sure. I'm ready.

- Sure sure?
- Totally sure.

(Thud) (Carrie) Ow!

- Are you okay?
(Strained voice) - Oh. Yeah, I just...

I hit my elbow
on the foosball table.

(The Outlets' "Bright Lights"
playing)

Miller! (Record needle
scratches, music stops)

We have to talk.

Do you know you're like
a Greek goddess?

Making love to you is like
floating in a dream.

(Exhales)

Well, your dream is about to
become a nightmare.

Put your pants on and get out.

W-what? What... what happened?

What happened is,
I only had sex with you

to prove what a bad artist
you are.

You depicted me as

a pathetic sad sack
with a broken heart.

I couldn't possibly have
a broken heart

because as you know now,
I don't have a heart.

That wasn't your heart
in the painting. It was mine.

What are you talking about?

My heart is broken.

My girlfriend just dumped me.

I'm in so much pain,

I don't know what to do
with my feelings.

(Voice breaking) My shrink
told me to pour it into my art.

This isn't happening.

Alice left me
for a chiropractor.

Can you believe that?

(Crying) He drives
a station wagon

and lives in Scarsdale.

Dude, you need to grow a pair.

(Continues crying)

Miller, I did love you so much,

but I just don't feel it
anymore.

I'm sorry. It's over.

What, you're...
Breaking up with me?

Yeah. That's what
"It's over" means.

I don't understand what I did.

Well, for starters,

you weaseled your way
into staying at my house

by working my dad,
which is just gross.

Well, I thought you'd be happy
about my staying here.

You thought wrong.

Dorrit, you can't break up
with me.

I'm still in love with you.

You're just in love
with the idea of me.

You'll get over it.

I just wrote a new love song
for you.

Just let me get my guitar.
I'll play it.

Miller,
don't embarrass yourself.

You should go. Now.

It was nothing like
I'd imagined.

It was on a couch
in a rec room.

No rose petals or champagne.

Mmm.

But it was perfect.

How are you feeling?

(Giggles) I feel good.

We're getting married tonight,
right?

Mm, of course.
(Giggles)

Oh, what time is it?

Hey, we'd better hurry
before the chapel closes.

(Chuckles)

What?

Oh, no.

- Oh!
- There isn't really a chapel.

No, I-I-I know. It's...

What time is it?
Uh, it's... it's 6:00.

6:00?!

(Gasps) Hey, what's wrong?

I-I-I'm supposed
to be somewhere.

(Whispers) Oh, crap!

Sebastian?
What are you doing out here?

You're not trying to delay
the wedding in protest, are you?

No. I'm just waiting
for a friend.

Well, come inside.

You don't want to be late
for your mother's wedding.

I'll be in in a minute.
Promise.

Mouse?
What are you doing here?

Carrie's been trying
to reach you.

There's no answer
at your house.

She missed her train and asked
me to be here in her place.

Oh. Well, you didn't
have to come, Mouse.

But thanks. It means a lot.

You bet.

Ohh. That was the best
grilled cheese sandwich

I have ever tasted.

It's the bacon
that makes it, right?

Totally.
(Laughs)

The bacon was like...
Mmm, heaven.

Hey, you gotta love
New York delis.

I mean, where else can you get

greasy food delivered
around the clock?

I need to talk to you
about something.

You were really honest
with me about Katja,

and I haven't been
fully upfront with you.

Okay.

I have been in close contact
with my ex.

How close?

Just as friends.

But I-I was going to go with him
to his mom's wedding tonight.

Which is why you were so upset
you missed your train.

Yes.

But the truth is,
I'm glad I missed it.

This is where I wanna be,
with you,

and I'm going to shut the door
with him

and lock it
so it can't be opened.

I recommend dead bolts...

And a chain.

And one of those crazy bars

that goes between the door
and the floor.

I'm sorry I didn't
tell you everything earlier.

It's okay.

I mean, after all,

I am the schmuck
who read your journal today,

so we're more than even.

Thank you.

Is, uh, is it too soon?

I don't think so.
(Chuckles)

Oh, hey.

Dorrit...

I'm really sorry things
didn't work out with Miller.

I'm not.

Oh!

He forgot
his stones t-shirt.

It's his favorite shirt.

Should I try and get
it back to him? No.

We had some killer
jam sessions.

Dad...

Never, ever become friends
with one of my boyfriends again.

Okay. Got it.

(Exhales deeply)

(Door bell jingling)

(Indistinct conversations)

Hey.

Hey. You skipped out
on Homecoming.

I know.

I know you weren't psyched
that I was Homecoming King,

but you didn't need
to miss out on your float.

It got raves.

Everyone loved the pumpkin.

West, I didn't miss it
because you were king.

I missed it because
Sebastian needed me,

and I knew you'd be fine.

His mom married the tennis pro
from the club.

Whoa. Is he okay?

I'm glad I could be there
for him.

You're a great friend,

and I can't think of anything
more important than that.

It's not how many people
like you.

It's the quality
of those relationships.

I know. You're right.

Wow. Did you actually just
admit that I was right?

I might need this in writing.

This is a date
for the record books.

(Chuckles)

Well, enjoy it while you can

because it's not likely
to happen again soon.

And I hope you enjoy this.

(Sighs) I'm sorry I missed
your coronation.

I thought I could make it up
to you by crowning you myself.

Used tons of extra glitter.

Thanks. And you're right.
Glitter is a sticky mess.

Yeah. (Laughing)
(Laughing)

(The Waterboys
"The Whole Of The Moon" playing)

Intimacy is a mysterious thing.

It means different things
to different people.

♪ I pictured a rainbow

♪ You held it in your hands

♪ I had flashes

It can be a closeness that's
both emotional or physical.

And for me and Weaver,
it was now both.

We had done the most intimate,
physical act of all.

♪ While you just stayed
in your room ♪

Intimacy can also be
a private truth

that, when glimpsed by another,

leaves you feeling exposed.

♪ You saw
the whole of the moon ♪

♪ the whole of the moon

and then there's the intimacy
that comes with friendship...

People you can be
fully yourself with.

Carrie!

Did you get a facial
at that place Mario Badescu

Larissa told us about?

Your skin is glowing.
I know that glow,

and that's not from a facial.

(Giggles)

(Whispers)
Did you really do it?!

Yes. (Laughs)

Ha! Thank God.
(Gasps and squeals)

(Laughs) How was it?

It was lovely and special
and totally unexpected.

Hopefully not so unexpected
that you were unprepared.

Oh, gosh, no. No.

We used... protection,
of course.

Did it hurt?
Because when I first did it,

it hurt more than having
my wisdom teeth removed,

which was excruciating.

So? How bad was it?

I-I don't think I'm ready

to talk about the intimate
details of the deed.

(Laughs) No fair!

We've waited this long
to hear the good stuff.

I kinda wait to keep
the good stuff to myself,

if that's okay.

Party pooper.

But you're happy?

Really happy.

Some milestones are so special,

you want to keep the details
all for yourself.

Becoming intimate
with a new person

is wonderful and exciting.

But it can also be bittersweet.

Sometimes you have to
shut the door on old loves

in order to become truly close
to a new one.