The Carrie Diaries (2013–2014): Season 2, Episode 4 - Borderline - full transcript

(Carrie)
Before there was sex...

before there was the city,
there was just me,

Carrie... Carrie Bradshaw
from Castlebury, Connecticut.

I wanna be with you, even though
there are no guarantees.

Bennet and I are just
hanging out, nothing official.

Just keeping it easy breezy.

I feel nothing for you.

- Nothing, huh?
- Nothing.

Anytime we're together,
it's chaos.

Nothing about us is simple.

You're really offering me
a job?



I thought you might be ready
to re-up,

get back in with the big boys.

Well, it'll be nice
to have you around.

From one Bradshaw to another.

You are following in your
daughter's footsteps. (Chuckles)

Wanna go for a ride?

I think I would rather
spend my time with someone

who actually thinks
I deserve a future.

I'm just looking for something.
No strings attached,

'cause I'm already attached.

Feels like no strings attached

might be just the game
I'm looking for.

All I do is make things crazy
for you,

and I want things
to be simpler for you.



So I'm gonna let you go.

I know it's over.

(Carrie) There are many types
of boundaries

we encounter in life.

(The Clash's "Should I Stay
Or Should I Go" playing)

♪ Darling,
you got to let me know ♪

Some are easy to cross...

♪ Should I stay
or should I go? ♪

While others
are more challenging.

♪ Are mine

♪ I'll be here
'till the end of time ♪

♪ so you got to...

And then there are boundaries
of the personal kind...

♪ Should I stay
or should I go? ♪

Which some people are incapable
of noticing.

♪ Should I stay
or should I go now? ♪

♪ should I stay
or should I go now? ♪

♪ so come on and let me know

There was a boundary
I couldn't wait to cross...

From intern to writer.

Well, it looks like
someone's been busy

while the rest of us were
at school.

Well, you gotta stay busy
if you wanna be a rainmaker.

I've been researching
story pitches like crazy.

And I think
Larissa's into it, too.

She hasn't asked me to make her
a cappuccino once today.

(Chuckles)

You got here fast.

Uh, yeah. I skipped last period
to get the early train.

Because every second I spend
in the suburbs, I'm like,

"Calgon, take me away."

(Chuckles) How about you,
my budding literary lion?

How's the pitch coming?

Well, I think
I finally narrowed it down

from the ten topics
I started with

to something I'm really
excited about... Adam Weaver.

The young playwright I've been
reading about in Arts & Leisure?

I hate him.
He's gonna win a Tony

before most people
even graduate from college.

I know.

My new school writing class
talks of nothing else.

I mean, he's so inspiring.

Or calculating.
Writing about a dead brother?

It's guaranteed a nomination
at least.

That is so sad and depressing.

Or profound.

Or a total lie, made up
so he can win an award.

- That's awful.
- Or the truth. (Scoffs)

That's why my piece on him
is going to be so amazing.

I'm going to get to the bottom
of Adam Weaver's story.

Hey, Blake.

Why you slumming down here
in editorial?

Looking to borrow a cute outfit
from the fashion closet?

With my expense account,
I don't need to borrow.

Ugh. You're so lucky.

I'm Blake.

Walt.

I feel like I've seen you
a lot here recently,

in the elevator and stuff.
You new here?

Sadly, I'm just
an "Interview" groupie.

Oh, don't sell yourself short.

You really shouldn't,
because you are adorable.

- Huh?
- Say what?

I mean, you are, but...

I think Blake here is trying
to ask you out.

Am I right?

You are correct.

(Chuckles)
While all eyes were on Walt,

my sister was excited
to have no eyes on her.

I love it that we have the place
to ourselves.

(Giggles)

You know what I don't love?

Your tiny bed.

Oh. I can fix that.

You comin'?

(Sighs)

So...

Was that as weird for you
as it was for me?

Because it was
really weird for me.

Well, it wasn't exactly
comfortable.

But rules are rules, and I've
always said we're not exclusive.

So you think I should
go out with him?

(Scoffs) It's your call.

And I'd be a hypocrite
if I said "no."

And if you wanna go out
with some guy who wears a suit

and sells ads for a living,
who am I to stop you?

(Dog barking in distance,
telephone rings)

(Ring, beep)

Hello?

Oh, hey, Mrs. Kelly.

My dad's in Augusta, huh?

Guess he's really into golf
lately.

No, don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.

I know the drill.

Mm-hmm. Found it. No problem.

Hey, I gotta go.
Don't wanna be late.

(Telephone beeps)

(Sighs)

(Backpack thuds)

(Sighs deeply)

As Sebastian was kicking back,
I was digging in. (Click)

So what do you think?

What do I think?
I think he is 19,

I think he's dealt with death
and is properly gorgeous,

which means
he's right up your alley.

I never said he's gorgeous.

Well, you should.
What's wrong with you?

Didn't you see his picture

in last Sunday's
Arts & Leisure section?

Scrumptious.
(Exhales deeply)

Larissa, he's not
a piece of candy.

I'd swallow him whole.

Great.
The only problem is

your playwright is already
the talk of the town.

There are pieces on him
all over...

Including "Talk Of The Town."

So what would make yours
any different?

Well, all the pieces on him
are profiles,

but no one's ever done
a full-on interview.

Hmm. You know, where they
get the really juicy stuff.

Interesting.

I'm working on getting tickets
to his reading

at... at the drama warehouse
next week.

All right,
my plucky little princess.

You get me a juicy interview,
and I will publish it.

That's great.

One thing, though.

In all
your meticulous research,

you doubtless already know that
your 19-year-old wunderkind

has become somewhat infamous
for not granting interviews.

Yes. Of course I knew that.

Then you obviously have a plan
for crossing that bridge.

Fantastic!

I can't wait to read all
the dirt you're gonna dig up.

And please, darling,
make it filthy...

So filthy I'll need
a long, hot shower.

Yes, for sure.

I'll... I'll be like a pig in mud,
it'll be so filthy and dirty.

Mmm! Delicious.

I knew then the boundary
between intern and writer

was going to be
a tough one to cross.

Really tough.

I haven't stood this long
in a line

since I waited for
my Shawn Cassidy tickets.

He was so cute.

Is so cute.

I loved him
in "The Hardy Boys."

You know, I'm so glad
Larissa isn't coming,

'cause now I don't have to admit
to her that I have no idea

how I'm gonna get an interview
with that Weaver kid.

I knew it!
Carrie, you can't fool a pro.

And I should probably warn you,

I might have a better shot
of landing the interview

- than you do.
- What do you mean?

Um, hello!
Adam Weaver is witty, hot,

and in touch with his emotions,

not to mtion
he works in the theater.

Does it ring any bells?

He's got to be gay,

which means I'm the one
with the in.

Wait. Y-you'd work that angle
with him?

Honey, I'd work any angle
to get a good story.

Wow.

So you'd even try to sleep
with someone for an interview?

What? No. What...
Who said that?

Sleeping with the subject
of a piece is a strict no-no.

However, a little flirting
never hurt anyone.

May the best writer win.

Remind me again why I invited
you to come with me.

(Laughs)

It's strange, right?

I mean, it's one thing for...
(Lowered voice) Bennet...

(Normal voice)
To say we're not exclusive.

But you should've seen him
practically daring me

to go out with this guy.

If Bennet is stupid enough

that he actually wants you
to date other people,

then you definitely should.

But what if I don't want to?

Too bad!
Suck it up and do it.

You scare me sometimes, Mouse.

Sometimes I scare myself.

(Laughs)
What are you talking about?

Oh. Guys.
Walt was just asking...

Sebastian.
It was just about Sebastian.

Um, what about him?

I... haven't seen him in school
recently.

Is he sick or something?

You're right.
He hasn't been

in modern European history
all week.

Or in español.

I mean, not... not that
I've been looking.

But since you mentioned it...
I think. Or... whatever.

(Bell rings) (Chuckles)

Anyway, I've gotta go.

American history beckons
with its suckitude.

- Mm.
- Later.

Bye.

Okay, what was that about?

We weren't even talking
about Sebastian.

I know. Sorry. I panicked.

I just didn't think Maggie
was ready to hear

about me dating two guys.

You know?

Ah, got it.

Good question about Sebastian,
though.

I wonder where he is.

("Ground theme" from
"Super Mario Bros." Playing)

(Scoffs)

♪

(Beep)

(Mouths words)

Hey there, Mrs. Robinson.
Any interest in some fun?

(Woman) Troy,
we loved you so much,

and we know how much you loved
Cayuga Lake.

(Waves crashing)

That is why we're here,
scattering your ashes

on the water that meant so much
to you.

(Clattering)

(Seagulls crying)

(Clattering continues)

(Metal clanks)

(Laughs softly)

(Water lapping)

(Whispers) Sorry. I'm...
just... sorry.

(Chuckles softly)

(Box thuds)

(Metal clanks) (Laughing)

(Audience murmuring) (Woman) You are
more than just your remains, Troy.

You are
the memories left behind.

Shh.
(Exhales)

(Chuckles softly) You are all
the things that you loved...

(Voice breaks)
Like cheeseburgers.

(Laughs)

(Audience murmuring)
(Sobs) And Farrah Fawcett...

Majors.

(Laughing softly)

(Sobs)

(Continues laughing)

I have to say,
you've impressed me, Tom.

Last time Credit Suisse had
dealings with Long & Whitney,

your buddy Harlan, frankly,
left a bad taste in our mouths.

Oh, let me guess.

He, uh, took off for Vegas,
hit the strip clubs,

and then billed you
for the hours.

No. He must've done that with Lehman.
(Laughs)

With us, he ran off
to Saint-Tropez.

Well, all I can do
is assure you that with me,

things will be different.

I can see that,
and I like the fact

that you ran
your own small-town firm.

Frankly, we could use
that kind of service.

What the hell?
Tom, you've sold me.

That is fantastic news.

You won't be disappointed.

(Sets down briefcase)

Listen, here is...

My home number,

my cellular phone.

You call me anytime.

I'll either be at work
or in Connecticut

or somewhere in between,
not Saint-Tropez.

While my dad had made
a great impression,

I was worried
I'd made a terrible one.

Why did I have to laugh?

I'm almost impressed.
I never would've imagined

you had such
a sadistic sense of humor.

Uh-oh.
There's Adam Weaver now.

I'm not sadistic. I just...
couldn't help myself.

Well, you need to decide whether
you want to be noticed or not,

because Weaver is staring right at you.
(Indistinct conversations)

Oh, no. Maybe I should just
make a run for it.

If it were me,

I'd start by apologizing
and asking him for forgiveness,

which he probably won't,

so you better hope that Larissa
doesn't send you to Siberia,

which means you'll be making her
cappuccinos every day.

I already make her cappuccinos
every day.

Well, you won't if you get
this interview.

- Oh, he's coming this way.
(Whispers) - Oh, God.

Good luck.
Oh. Oh, God. Okay.

You're the one who laughed,
aren't you?

During the funeral scene.
I'm sorry.

I know
it was inappropriate. Uh...

The truth is, it... it reminded me
of my mother's funeral.

Um, I laughed there, too,

which was
even more inappropriate.

Really?

I can't watch this.

It had been a long day.

We were all just exhausted,
drained,

and, uh, then it's time
to lower the coffin.

And this is it.
You know, my mother is

about to disappear
into the ground forever.

And then...

Thunk! It won't fit...
Her coffin.

The... the hole's too small.

But for some reason, these guys,
they just... they won't give up.

It's a funeral, you know,

so they... they probably
just think

they're being respectful.

So we're all
just standing around

as it goes thunk, thunk, thunk,
thunk, thunk, thunk! (Laughs)

And at some point,
it just seemed ridiculous,

so that's why I laughed.

I-I've been there,
and... and it's awful, but...

So awful it's... it's kind of
funny. (Chuckles nervously)

I loved that you laughed.

The scene is supposed
to be funny.

(Laughs) None of these other
phony dimwits picked up on that.

They were so busy thinking about
how it's... it's a funeral.

It's supposed to be sad.

How could it possibly
be funny, too?

(Chuckles) Yeah, my producer
thinks I should change it.

No, don't. It's perfect.

I'm not going to,

as long as one person
who truly understands gets it.

And the rest of these people
can kiss my grits.

Wait.
Are you an "Alice" fan?

- Totally. (Laughs)
- Oh. (Laughs)

(Forces laugh)

(Chuckles)

Adam Weaver,

but everyone
just calls me "Weaver."

Carrie Bradshaw.
"Interview" magazine.

I was hoping I'd get a chance
to talk to you.

Well, some of us are headed
to McSorley's to grab a drink.

You wanna come?

Yeah, I'd love to.

Great.

Looks like I was
one step closer to my story.

(The Kats' "King Of
The Wild Frontier" playing)

Seriously? They didn't let women
in here until when?

1970. 15 years ago.

Although judging by
the sawdust on the floor,

I'm betting women weren't
exactly beating down the door

to get in here.

I-I hadn't thought of that.

(Both laugh)

You know,
it does... it does smell

a little like
a stale frat house in here.

A little?
(Chuckles)

Well, let me ask you
a question about the play.

Or we could play
a drinking game. Like quarters?

Come on, Adam.

- Weaver.
- Weaver.

You do realize
that's about the tenth time

you've changed the subject

when I've tried to talk to you
about you?

Mm-hmm.

How come you've never given
an interview?

I-I'm sure people are
beating down your door.

Trampling it.

Uh...

I'm the toast of the town,
or so I've heard.

So why not let people know you,
hear what you have to say?

Well, every... everything
I wanna say is... is in my plays,

and with a lot more time
for editing.

All right, Carrie Bradshaw,

here's my deal.

If you tell me
something personal about you,

then I'll think about telling
you something personal about me.

That doesn't sound fair.

Mm, my game, my rules.

Okay, one personal story
from Carrie Bradshaw.

Keep it real.

And... go.

I'm trying to interview you.

(Chuckles) You don't need
to know anything about me.

Now see,
that's where you're wrong.

I am desperate to learn more.

You're making this
very confusing.

I'm very good at that.

Every time I tried to
establish my boundaries,

Weaver kept moving his around.
(Clink)

Oh, hey, Barbara.

What are you still doing here?

It's almost 9:00
on Friday night.

You know I work for Harlan,
right?

It's almost the weekend.

Those don't exist in my world.

What about you?
Any fun weekend plans?

My, uh, girlfriend and her son
are coming over,

and they're gonna meet my girls
for the first time.

Uh-oh. When worlds collide.

When my kids met
my ex-boyfriend Donny,

there was a lot of drinking
and a hospital visit involved.

Good luck with that.

Oh, almost forgot.

How'd it go with Credit Suisse?

- Waste of time?
- Nope.

I landed the account.
(Chuckles)

Seriously?

I thought Harlan pretty much
blew it with them

after he ran off
to Saint-Tropez.

Or was that the time
with the strippers?

I don't know. Anyway,
how'd you turn them around?

You must be a pretty good liar.

Mm, no lying involved.
I just made it clear

that I'd be more available
to 'em than Harlan was.

(Scoffs) Well,
that wouldn't be hard.

Yeah, gaem
my home phone number and, uh,

told 'em I'd pretty much
be there for them 24/7.

That kind of sealed the deal.

That sealed something,
all right... your fate.

What do you mean?

Firms like them... they are not
your neighbors or your friends.

They won't think twice
about eating your life up.

Harlan might be lazy

and occasionally
ethically questionable,

but he knows how
to set boundaries.

He won't give his home number
to anyone,

not even his girlfriends.

Anyway, good luck this weekend.

Hope you don't have to
cancel your plans.

(Chuckles nervously)

For a kid who has
the dream life,

you don't seem so happy.

What happened to
keeping it casual?

Honey, I'm a bored housewife.

At least let me live
vicariously.

It's not that exciting.

Please. I'm sure the girls
at your school are all over you.

No, not the one that matters.

What happened? You cheat?

Men always cheat.

Said by the bored housewife
in bed with me.

That's different. I'm ignored,
so he deserves it.

I'm not complaining.

So how'd you screw it up
with her?

I hurt her. It seemed like
I was always hurting her.

I didn't want to do that
anymore, so I let her go.

Is that your weak excuse
for not wanting to be faithful?

No, it's the truth.
I just want her to be happy.

Wow.

You must really
be in love with this girl.

Maybe for the rest of my life.

Does it get any easier?

Not really.

Mnh-mnh.

Maybe a few distractions will help.

(Sting) ♪ Free, free, set
them free ♪
♪ Oh, oh

♪ free, free, set them free

♪ if you need somebody

♪ free, free, set them free

so back to your play...

Ugh. You are relentless.
(Laughs)

Did you write the funeral scene

exactly as it happened
in real life,

or did you embellish?

♪ Do the same

do you wanna know,
or is it just for your story?

Both. Is that bad?

♪ And throw away the key

I didn't embellish.

I mean, if anything, I actually
left some of the worst bits out.

It got worse than what we saw?

That was pretty grim.

♪ If you love...

Are we off the record?

♪ Somebody ♪ if you love...

Yes. Off the record.

My mom did dump
several boxes of ashes

and all the things she could
grab from my brother's room,

including Farrah.

But unlike the play,
I didn't hold it together.

You cried?

No. I...
laughed my ass off.

Pretty much like you did.
I couldn't help it.

I mean, the whole thing just...
just felt ridiculous.

♪ Free, free, set them free

I also left out
the part where...

My dad punched me in the face

for mocking
his golden boy's death.

Wow.

Yeah. (Chuckles)

Yeah, we haven't talked since.

I figured even the phony nitwits
would find that too dark.

♪

I'm sorry.

I mean, my family and I went
through a lot after my mom died,

but we still had each other.

I can't even imagine.

♪ If you love somebody

♪ if you love someone

this is definitely
off the record.

Definitely.

I was crossing a boundary.

But at that moment,
i suddenly didn't care.

♪ Set them free

♪ free, free, set them free

Larissa, I think I made
a terrible mistake.

But I heard you two were getting
cozy and then left together.

I thought you'd have got
some really juicy stuff.

No. Uh, yeah,
it... it was cozy

and, um, juicy.

I mean, he told me some stuff.

Phenomenal!

Off the record.

Boo! But not to worry.

There are ways 'round that.

We can imply, which is almost
better than the truth.

W... look, I-I don't know
if we can use any of it.

See, I, um...

I might have...

sort of, uh... (Sighs)
kissed Weaver.

I know. I know.

I'm so sorry.
I crossed the line.

It's a huge
conflict of interest.

Isn't it?

Darling, your sense of morals
is adorable.

But if you're having fun and it
helps you land a great story,

then go with it!
It's win-win,

plus you'll get
much juicier stuff this way.

So go kiss him again

and see what he says.

Or better still,
sleep with him.

And make sure
he's on the record this time.

(Doorbell rings)

Uh, I-I gotta go.

My dad's girlfriend is here.

Ciao.
(Beep)

Okay, great.
Carrie, you're here. And...

All right. Here we go.

(Video game beeping)

Hi. Deb.
(Deep voice) Dylan!

(Chuckles) So glad you guys
could make it. Come on in.

Hi. I'm Carrie.

It is so nice
to finally meet you.

And you must be Dorrit.

Must be.

(Beeping continues)

Uh, everyone, this is Dylan.

- Say hello, Dylan.
- Hello Dylan.

(Laughs) (Laughs)

(Chuckles nervously) Oh, God.

We're not gonna have to do
any "Brady Bunch" crap, are we?

Because you can count me out.

(Chuckles)
Well, I always imagined

our two families meeting
would be more "Godfather" style.

Although I sure hope

no one ends up with
a horse's head in their bed.

(Laughs)

We might just get along.

(Doorbell rings)

Maggie,
what are you doing here?

I was in the neighborhood
babysitting.

Oh, gee, this is a nice place.

So what's up with the visit?
(Door closes)

Oh, just noticed you were out.

Thought you might be sick,
but clearly you're not. So...

All right, well, it was
cool of you to stop by.

Look, if you want company
or something...

Is that the Chinese food? Oh.

I didn't realize
you were with somebody.

Uh, neither did I.

Um...

Wow. I didn't realize
you were so busy.

I should get going.

See you around.

All right, see you later.

(Door closes)

- Was that your girl?
- No.

'Cause that one definitely
has a crush on you.

Yeah, whatever.
She's just bored.

Trust me. The long looks?
The fast exit? She likes you.

Bennet.
Oh. Hey.

- What are you doing here?
- At "Interview"? I work here.

(Chuckles) I thought we
established that by now.

I know you work here.
It's just... it's the weekend.

And I'm on a deadline.

It's the only reason I'm here
on a Saturday.

So...
what are you doing here?

I'm...
supposed to meet Blake.

But I never would've agreed
to meet him here

had I known that you...

Don't worry about it.
It's fine.

We're not exclusive. It's...
that's how it works.

Right.

Right. It's all cool here.

Yep. The coolest.

Um, so where you guys going
anyway?

We're going to dinner
at the Silver Hen.

In Soho?

That place is nice.

I guess. I don't know.
He picked it.

It's pricey, too.

It's the kind of place you'd go
on a real date date.

Which it is.

Right?

Right.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

No problem.

Hey, Bennet.

You... okay?

Yeah. I'm great.
Never better.

You ready?

Yes.

Have fun.

(Beeping)

(Mouth full) Is everyone good?

'Cause I can make a salad
if anybody wants a salad.

(Beeping continues)

Dad?

You're trying too hard.
It's embarrassing...

(Lowered voice) For you.

I'm gonna make a salad.

So, um, your dad tells me

you got your first big writing
assignment at the magazine.

Yeah, my... my boss has been
really cool.

She lets me come up
with my own ideas

- and then pitch them to her.
- That's amazing.

You know, you're pretty together
for someone your age.

Oh. Thank you.

Dylan, honey, take a bite
of your pizza, okay?

(Beeping continues)

I'm talking to you.

No, I hate pizza.
I only want tater tots.

Um, I don't think we have
any tater tots,

but my dad is making a salad.

Tater tots!

(Error sound plays)

It's okay. I come prepared.
(Beeping resumes)

He won't eat anything else.

Ketchup!

So...

My God, "Interview" magazine.

I used to read that
all the time when I was younger.

It's really hard to find
up here nowadays, though.

I have some copies upstairs
if... you want them.

Yeah, that'd be great.
I'd love that.

Okay.

(Beeping stops)

(Beeping resumes)

While I was upstairs

trying to score points
with my dad's new girlfriend...

I discovered that someone else
was scoring... in my room.

Dorrit!

- Have you seen this before?
- No. Maybe it's yours.

Oh, right.
You're not having any sex.

The question is, are you?

Uh, yeah. Duh.
What did you think?

Well, I thought maybe you were,
but I didn't know.

Now I do.

You should just be glad
we're being safe.

I am. But I'm not so happy
that ya did it in my room.

Did you do it on my bed?

(Scoffs) You had sex on my bed?

You better have changed
the sheets.

We put down a towel.

Ew!

Just take a chill pill.

I will not take a chill pill!

You have seriously
crossed the line here, Dorrit.

Oh, my God.
You guys have a rubber?

♪ Rubber, rubber, rubber,
you have a rubber ♪

(Whispers) Shut up,
you little twerp!

She didn't mean that, sweetie.

It's just, we don't want you
misunderstanding what you saw

and telling someone.

Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.

We'll see.

Hey! Don't touch those!

(Closes drawer) You better
be a lot nicer to me

if you don't want me telling
my mommy and your dad

about the rubber.

(Lowered voice) Would you please
stop saying "rubber"?

Then I need something
in return.

I wanna see jugs.

J-u-g-g-s.

- And I wanna see 'em now.
- Not that this matters,

because this whole conversation
is completely disgusting,

but there's only one "g"
in "jugs."

Um, "boob juggs" have two g's.

I don't want to talk about
this anymore.

So then you gonna
show 'em to me or what?

Dorrit!

What? I don't care if
some pervy kid sees boobs.

You are, under no circumstances,

showing that pervy little kid
your boobs.

So what should we do?

(Door creaks)

We're going to kill him.

Okay.

I like this plan better.

Do you know what a wedgie is,
Dylan?

Did you know you can get
a wedgie so bad,

it can actually kill you?

No, it can't.

This kid I knew,
his nuts just went... pop!

Like grapes.

So you better
keep your mouth shut

about the rubber.

And if you don't? Pop.

Pop.

(Door creaks)

(Snickers)

(Sighs) We better follow him.

Who knows what he's
gonna tell mommy. Mm.

I was just looking for
the bathroom,

and they said they were going
to kill me!

With a wedgie.

Uh, Dylan, sweetie, you're not
making this up, are you?

No. They said it.

No, we didn't.
We did.

Um...

What we're trying to say is
we told Dylan a story

about a kid who "supposedly"
died from a wedgie.

Um, it's just urban myth.

We heard it
when we were his age.

Thought he would think
it was funny.

- We were just trying to...
- You know, bond.

You know how it is,
kids that age.

It's all about the wedgie.
Isn't it?

At least we thought it was.

Yeah, we... we were just
trying to make him laugh.

That's not true!

There are a lot of truths
that can be told today, Dylan.

"Jugg" -fulls.

Clearly, we got off
on the wrong foot.

So why don't we start over?

Um, we have all the fixings
for a sundae bar in the kitchen.

You wanna go get
some ice cream?

That could be nice.

Dylan, what do you think?

Okay.

Okay.

(Exhales deeply)

There's something weird
about that.

I don't... my girls would never
threaten anyone.

Well, Dorrit maybe,
but not Carrie.

Yeah, I, uh, I don't know, Tom.

I mean, the girls seem lovely and all...
Elephone rings)

- But Dylan never lies. Ever.
(Carrie) - Hello?

Um, dad, it's for you.

- Who is it?
- Some guy from Credit Suisse.

Oh. Okay. I'm so sorry.
I have to take this.

Tom, it's Harvey
from Credit Suisse.

Jeremy gave me your number.

Hope this isn't a bad time.

No, no, no. No, it's fine.

Anytime you need me,
I'm right here.

Great, because I have
some questions

about the upcoming deal.

Sure. I'm yours. Go ahead.

(Line clicks) (Dylan,
singsongy) I saw a rubber!

Rubber, rubber, rubber!

Boobies, boobies, boobies!

I'm sorry.
Was that on your line?

Juggs with two g's!
(Laughs)

Hey, uh, Dylan? Buddy?

Do you think maybe you could
get off the phone?

You should probably
go deal with that.

No, no, it's fine.
I can still, uh...

(Making farting noises)

(Laughs) Okay, you know what?
Uh, Harvey, I gotta go.

(Telephone beeps and thuds)

You've never been
to South of the border?

That place on 95
with the big sombrero out front?

Yeah, my family and I
have passed it

on our way to Hilton head,

but it...
(Chuckles) Looks so tacky.

It's not tacky...
Kitschy and awesome.

(Siren wailing in distance) I
have 20 shot glasses from there.

I'm very proud
of my collection.

And you should be.

Walt! Walt!

Bennet?

What are you doing here...
at the restaurant?

Waiting for you.

What took you so long?

We walked here.
Why do you care?

I care because...

I don't want Walt to go
on this date.

- Huh.
- What?

Okay, can someone please tell me
what's going on here?

Well, I-I'm sort of
dating Walt.

Wait. You're dating Bennet?

Why didn't you tell me?

Uh, as Bennet knows,
we're not exclusive.

So as far as I'm aware,
I'm not doing anything wrong.

Right. No.

Of course you aren't.

Okay, there's obviously
something going on with you two,

and, quite frankly,

I don't like being put
in the middle of it.

Blake, wait.

Look, you're cute,

but I don't need some sort of
psycho office romance drama.

That's Larissa's job.

(Footsteps depart)

What do you think you're doing?

If you had a problem
with me dating someone,

then you should've
said something.

And P.S.,
you're the one

who told me to go out with him
in the first place.

Look...

You're completely right.

And I know I acted crazy.

But the thought of... of
you dating someone else?

It drove me crazy.

Because...

I-I wanna be exclusive.

Well, why didn't you just
say that?

I didn't even want
to go on a date with that guy.

I don't want you going
on dates with anyone.

Except you, I hope.

- Except me.
- Yeah. (Chuckles)

Is that okay?

If we're exclusive?

(Video game beeping)

Okay, Deb, are you
gonna say it or am I?

We need to talk about our kids.

Yes. Absolutely.

I'm so relieved.

(Chuckles) I have been
standing here, stewing,

wanting to get this
off my chest.

I'm so glad you're as worried
about it as I am.

Well, if we wanna make things
work between us,

something has to be done.

Right. Good.

So what are you gonna do
about Carrie and Dorrit?

What?

That...

that is what we're talking
about, isn't it?

They were really mean to Dylan.
You saw that, right?

(Stammers)

You're serious?

Tom.

(Scoffs) Obviously, your girls
are a little immature.

Talking about wedgies?
(Sighs)

Now I'm... I'm not calling you
a bad parent.

I-I'm just saying,

we need to make sure
this never happens again.

My girls are immature?

Your son got on the phone

when I was in the middle
of a business call,

- and made fart noises. He...
- Shh!

(Lowered voice) Tom,
he's right in the next room.

You're gonna hurt his feelings.

And also, he's 11.

Your girls are 15 and 17,
and they should know better.

I can't believe you're making
excuses for his behavior.

And I can't believe
you can't handle

the littlest bit
of constructive criticism

about your daughters.

You know what?

I think maybe we need to have
a bigger discussion.

I don't know how my dad is gonna
work it out with Deb,

or how I can ever see
that kid again

and not knee him in the nuts.

(Laughs)

I'll tell you who surprised me,
though... my sister.

Sleeping with her boyfriend
in your bed?

Oy. Don't remind me.
(Siren wailing in distance)

Dorrit and I had been fighting,

but then we bonded
when we had this common enemy.

There we were,
working together.

It just was nice to see

we could still be sisters united
when we needed to be.

You know?

I never had anything like that
with my brother.

Never?

I-I know you're not supposed to
speak ill of the dead,

but... as far as my brother
was concerned,

I was the competition.

He... he pretty much lived
to put me down.

Well, he probably just thought
you were better than him

and felt threatened.

Oh, I was never a threat.
(Laughs)

I mean, Robby always got
all the attention.

You know, the golden boy.

The star athlete,
great student,

totally full of himself.

And I was just
his stupid little brother.

No one seemed... no one seemed
to care about me,

or even noticed me.

(Car horns honking)

And... now he's dead,

and I got famous
writing a play about him.

Death equals a Tony,
so they say.

I mean,
his... his death made me,

and I don't even miss him.

All I feel is good,

that finally... (Exhales)

Finally people are noticing me.

That kind of makes me
a monster, doesn't it?

(Voice breaks) I am.
I'm... I'm a monster.

No.

No, you're not.

You're not, okay?

You aren't.

You aren't.

As Weaver's emotional walls
tumbled,

I knew I could never write
his story.

For what it's worth, dad,
I really did like Deb.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Me, too.
She was pretty cool.

Thanks.

Yeah, there's just no way
that I could be with someone

who was that delusional
about her own kid.

But don't think that means I'm
letting you two off the hook.

What really happened upstairs?
Spill.

We might've told him we were
gonna give him a wedgie.

A really bad one.

But he totally deserved it.

He was going through
my underwear drawer.

And he asked to look at
our private parts.

Okay, okay, okay.

Look, I know that
you two aren't perfect,

and I am not the best dad
on earth.

But let's face it.
That kid was a complete jackass.

(Both laugh)

And a wedgie is a perfectly
acceptable punishment

for that kind of behavior.

(All laugh) (Telephone rings)

Hello?

(Lowered voice)
It's Jeremy from Credit Suisse.

(Whispers) Jeremy.

(Carrie) One sec.

Jeremy, hi. Hi.

I-I've been, um,
meaning to call to apologize.

Yes. I heard Harvey had
quite the call with you.

Yeah. I-I could not be
more embarrassed.

Um, I tried calling him
several times,

but I guess he... he must've
left the office.

Now listen,
I'm sure you're rethinking

your decision to go with us,
but I promise you,

I could not be more committed
to the account.

Tom, don't worry.
I'm not mad. I get it.

I have a total
pain in the ass son, too.

Oh. You do?

Yes. Threw a firecracker
at my boss' dog

at his 4th of July party.

We oughta get our horrible boys
together sometimes.

Okay, that sounds great.

We'll, uh, we'll take 'em
to a game or something.

Great idea.

I'll check with my secretary

and set up a date.

Oh. Okay. Yeah.

Well, you bring your son,

and I'll bring... my son.

Okay. All right, great.
I'll talk to you soon.

(Receiver hangs up)

Do you have any idea where
I might rent a 12-year-old

to pretend to be my kid?

Uh...

Way to establish boundaries
there, dad.

I think we might need to get
an unlisted number.

(Indistinct conversations)

Hey, you're back.

What happened? Did you get
bored with your bimbo?

No. My dad came home,

not that it's
any of your business.

You kind of made it
my business.

No, I didn't. You just
showed up at my house.

Whatever.
You weren't exactly hiding it.

Are you gonna tell Carrie?

I haven't made up my mind yet.

I'm still in love with her,
and I don't want to hurt her.

You're still in love?

You have a funny way of showing it.

You of all people should know

life is more complicated
than that.

Well, my complications
are over.

I'm ready to be with somebody
my own age.

(Telephone ringing in distance)

Carrie!

How's my article coming?

What has your pillow talk
revealed?

Secret siblings?
Drug problem?

I'm dying to read it, darling!

Actually, I... decided
not to finish the piece.

(Exhales) Ohh.
(Pats desktop)

He wouldn't tell you anything.
(Whispers) Yeah.

Okay, just... (Sighs)
Just keep trying.

No, he told me plenty.

Uh, but none of it's stuff
I'd feel comfortable revealing.

Why on earth not?

Because I actually feel
like I might like him.

Opportunities like this

don't just fall into your lap,
you know.

I offered you a place to write,

and you're gonna give it up
for a boy?

The world is full of boys.

I know.

But don't worry.
I-I'm not giving anything up.

- I still have tons of ideas to pitch to you.
- You know what?

I just don't think it's gonna
happen for you right now.

But be a luv and go make me
a cappuccino, will you?

(Talking Heads) ♪ Well,
we know where we're going ♪

I knew what that meant.

♪ But we don't know
where we've been ♪

It meant I was banished
to Siberia.

♪ And the future is certain

apparently, drawling a line

was going to cost me
at "Interview."

♪ Work it out

♪

But for the moment,
I didn't care.

♪ Yeah

♪ we're on a road to nowhere,
come on inside ♪

Being with Weaver felt
so right,

that whatever the consequences,
it was worth it.

♪ To nowhere

♪ we'll take that ride

♪ we're on a road to paradise

♪ here we go

♪ here we go

♪

♪ we're on a road to nowhere