The Carrie Diaries (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 11 - Identity Crisis - full transcript

(Carrie) Before there was sex,
before there was the city,

there was just me... Carrie.
Carrie Bradshaw.

And lots of things were changing...

You're an amazing girlfriend.
You care about me.

- Heck, you're the only one who does.
- For all of us.

I don't like guys!
I like girls.

I'm not like you at all
because I'm not fag.

- Can I just say how sorry I am?
- It's okay.

You wanna be in this photo, you
gotta kneel down! You, kneel.

You know what?
She should be our team manager.

What would I have to do?



Bookkeeping, scheduling,
recording statistics.

Honey! I'm here.

(Mouths words) (Mouths words)

(Mouths word)

Spring is about rebirth
and starting over.

It's the perfect time
to try out something new.

We all saw spring as the time
to shed our winter skin.

(The knack)
♪ Ooh, my little pretty one

or in Donna Ladonna's case,

her winter clothes.

♪ Give me some time, Sharona

for me, it was a chance
to try out a new identity.

With a week off from school,

I'd get to be a full-time
Manhattan working girl.



♪ My Sharona

I can't believe you have to work
all of break.

Are you sure you can't
get out of it?

I need someone to watch
"general hospital" with,

and mouse thinks soaps are stupid.

You'll love the guy who plays
frisco. He's a total babe.

Actually, I'm really excited

about going to "Interview"
all week.

Hey, should I come meet you
for lunch in the city?

You can show me your office.
I can say hi to Bennet.

That's a great idea.

Meet me at 1:00.
Real New Yorkers do lunch late.

I can't think of anything

I would be less excited about
than work.

I plan to avoid work
my entire life.

I'm gonna have to figure out
how to do that.

Are you kidding? If I could work
at "Interview" full-time,

that would be amazing.

That's why next week
is so important.

Larissa said that
if I do a good job,

she might hire me
as her full-time assistant

over the summer...
With a stipend!

Wow.

I think it's great,

even though I'll miss ya.

I'll miss you, too.

Ugh. You guys are so cute,
I wanna barf.

Be nice.

Now I wanna barf.
Mm-hmm.

- Mmm.
- Are you sure you'll be okay without me?

Yeah. Sure.

My parents are making me
hang out with them anyway.

Now that they're talking about
getting back together,

- they want family time?
- (Mouse) Excuse me. Out of my way.

Whoa! Hey, mouse!
Where's the fire?

Fire? What fire?

Hope not on the basketball court.

(Laughs)

I have regionals coming up,

and every day of practice
is essential.

You have regionals coming up?

Okay, the team has
regionals coming up,

if you wanna be technical about it.

And as team manager,

it is my job to make sure
that they're ready.

Isn't your job more like
handing out sweat towels

and keeping track of the schedule?

(Chuckles)
To be technical about it.

(Laughs)

Any job is what you make of it.

And I'm making this

an opportunity to impress Harvard

by displaying entrepreneurship.

Wow.

Did you make that I.D.
yourself?

Yes. See? Entrepreneurship.

Can you make me one?
My fake I.D. says that I'm 20

and I can't use it
since the drinking age went up.

I want to show Harvard I am
an entrepreneur, not a felon.

(School bell rings)

Hey, I can get you one.
I'm not going to Harvard.

Really?

- Yeah.
- Awesome!

He's a keeper.

Yeah. I know.

I'll see you after sixth period.

All right.

(Mouths word)

Mom.

(Voice breaks) Sebastian. Oh!

I am sorry
to just show up like this,

but I didn't know
where else to turn.

You're the only one
who understands.

Yeah, mom, the thing is,
right now is not the time...

How could your father
treat me this way?

And after we just made love.

Uh, mom.

(Sighs) I gotta get to class.

He is a cruel,
jealous bastard, Sebastian.

Don't be like him.

Oh. I know you never could be.

You're nothing like him.

We were just gonna go
have something to eat.

We were both... hungry

after all of the...
Activity.

You gotta be kidding me.

I suggested we eat at the club,

and... you should've seen
the rage your father flew into.

He thought that I wanted
to run into Lucas.

He actually accused me of using
him to make Lucas jealous.

I mean, can you even imagine?

It boggles me mind.
(Sobbing)

Oh, my gosh.

I can't believe your mom...

(Whispers) Talked to you
about... Doing it with your dad.

Ugh. I mean, that is...
I just can't...

Yeah, she drags me
in their... business a lot.

I'm sorry. That sucks.

But I guess on the bright side,

that really means they might
be getting back together.

I'm not sure that's a bright side.

What do you mean?
Don't you want them to?

You heard what
I just told you, right?

That's what it's always like
when they're together.

So, no, not really.

Would you?

I guess...

I would rather have
my family together.

Yeah. I think I'm
more comfortable this way.

The kid with divorced parents...
Not so bad,

compared to having my mom
show up at school

and dump all this stuff on me.

Yeah, I get that.

Thanks.

Thank you.

This grilled cheese is on me.

I'm the one with a job
in the city, after all.

Yeah, and I'm the one
with a tab here, Bradshaw.

(Chuckles) And your job's unpaid.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Is it lame that I'm so excited
about next week?

You're not lame.
You're gonna kick ass...

Because you're amazing.

(Donna summer's "she works hard
for the money" playing)

♪ She works hard for the money

hey.

♪ So hard for it, honey

ah. How are you
this morning, Bennet?

Good weekend?
Any Monday blahs?

Are you drunk?
It... it's okay if you are.

Rodney the ad sales guy is, too.

I'm not drunk.
I'm just excited to be here.

Who are all these baskets for?

Larissa, the lucky bitch.

Can you believe
all the free crap she gets?

I swear, people
will send her anything

to get featured in the magazine.

Like this.

Moisturizer made from the foreskin

of an Albanian baby goat.

Come here. Coochie-coochie!
No!

(Chuckles) (Laughs) Mm.

♪

Ugh. How do people drink coffee?
It tastes like jet fuel.

Put some cream and sugar in it.

I have.

(Telephone rings)

(Ring)

Go.

(Ring)

Larissa Loughlin's office.

I'm sorry. She's not in.

Oh.
It's Andy Warhol's assistant.

He wants to know where Larissa is.

Take a message. She's at
some art installation

in alphabet city.
Okay.

Can I take a message?

Um, yeah. Hold on.
Okay, okay.

Uh, it's 67th and Madison.

Okay, to pick up a package.
Wait.

Bring it... sorry.
Can I have the address again?

Uh... 2-1-7. Got it.
All right, no problem.

Uh, Larissa will be on top of it
right away.

Bye.

(Receiver clatters)

(Exhales)

Carrie, what's the deal?
Your pacing is making

the cokehead receptionist twitchy.

Well... I promised Andy's assistant

Larissa would run
this errand right away,

but it's been over two hours,

and she still isn't even back yet.

Why would you tell them that?

Larissa's field trips
can last for days.

Last week, she left for lunch
with basquiat

and ended up in Santa Fe with him,

researching hopi Indian
painting styles.

That's how Larissa is.

Everyone knows that.

I didn't know that.
I'm just an intern.

And according to Andy's assistant,

Larissa and only Larissa
is supposed to be picking up

a package for him at this boutique

and then getting it to him at
some club by the end of the day.

So what do I do? Do you think
I should call the assistant

and apologize?

I mean, I-I think Andy
would understand, right?

Sure, he'll be
totally mellow about it

and open to hearing
all your excuses.

Oh. Good.

Psych. Are you kidding?
He'll be totally pissed.

Andy wants what he wants
when he wants it.

And if Andy isn't happy,
nobody at "Interview" is happy.

He'll fire Larissa in a heartbeat

and ban you
from anything that matters

in New York City for life.

The only club you'll get into
is the Y.M.C.A. in Queens.

(Exhales) Okay.

So much for that summer job

or being
a real New York working girl.

If I didn't fix this, I could
kiss all of it good-bye.

May I help you?

Yes. Well, I hope so.

Uh, I work
for "Interview" magazine,

and I'm here to pick up
the package for Andy Warhol.

I'm sorry.
I can't help you with that.

I'm under strict orders
to give that package

only to Larissa Loughlin.

- Yes...
- And while I may have never met

the illustrious Larissa myself,

I can't believe you could be her.

You look about 12.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have a customer.

As she walked away, it was like
watching my internship

disappear along with her.
I had to do something.

All the women's magazines
are always encouraging you

to be a new you,

but being a new Carrie
wouldn't be enough.

I needed to be a new Larissa.

(Imitating Larissa)
Darling, I'm going to give you

the benefit of the doubt
and assume you work

punishing hours in here.

And that's why you seem
to have momentarily

lost your faculties.

Or you're new in town,

so you don't know that
of course I'm Larissa Loughlin.

Do I look young?

Impossibly, enviably young?

Of course.
I work at "Interview""

not "ladies' home journal""

we retire people at 25.
Harsh but true.

You're the style editor
at "Interview" magazine?

Yes. I know.
I get it all the time.

It's the goat foreskin moisturizer.

If I love it anymore,
I'd have to have sex with it.

I can get you a sample.
You, uh, need it.

Um... thank you?

(Chuckles) No problem.

We working women have to look
out for each other, don't we?

Now maybe if you prove yourself,

I'll take you on.
I collect people, you know.

I'd heard that about you.

Then I'm guessing you've also heard

I'm not someone to be trifled with.

So...

Get me my package.
I don't like to wait.

Uh, the thing is,
it's not here yet.

I am so, so sorry.

Mm. That is so disappointing.

You were finally starting
to interest me.

It should be here any minute,

and maybe while you wait,

you might like to try out
our fall line

to make up for the in convenience.

Seriously?
That would be amazing...

I-I guess. I mean,
last season was so... so-so.

Forget being myself.

Being Larissa was way more awesome.

I'm sure you're all wondering

why I called you in
over spring break.

Hold up. You called us in?
You said coach called it.

As your new team manager,

I felt it was important
to touch base with you all

on some very important
observations I've made.

(Boys laugh)

No, just hear me out, guys.

I think you'll be really glad
you did.

Come on.

Thank you.

Now as team manager,

I take our defeats very seriously.

We're undefeated.

So we're just going to
rest on our laurels?

You really think
that's a good idea?

I'm sure Georgetown
felt pretty confident

going into the NCAA finals

as the heavily favored
number one seed,

only to have
eighth-seeded villanova

pull the rug out from under them.

That's right.
I did my research.

I don't wear
the team manager badge lightly.

While mouse was hoping for
a productive spring break...

(New age music playing)

My dad just wanted
a little relaxation.

But grownups don't get
spring break,

so he decided to try
a meditation class instead.

♪

(lowered voice) My friend swore

these meditation classes
were swarming with hot babes.

(Lowered voice)
Yeah, my friend Harlan

told me the same thing.
Last week,

he said that Carol alt
was his stretching partner.

(Whispers) Oh.

Guess he was talking about
classes in the city.

Yeah. What a waste.

Yeah. (Sighs)

I mean, not that I'm just here
looking to meet women.

You know, I had
a pretty hard case this week,

and I-I need to relax.

(Chuckles) Sure you do.

Lucky you.

(Woman) Now that we've
all gathered in serenity,

I invite you to close your eyes.

Breathe in,

gathering strength
from the calm surrounding you,

and breathe out,

releasing toxic thoughts.

(Snapping gum)

Clear your mind.

Picture every little worry
you have going into a bag.

And now picture yourself
throwing that bag away.

(Snapping gum)

(Horns honking)

(Indistinct conversations)

Excuse me.

Hey.

Bennet. Hey.

What are you doing here?

Looking for Carrie. We were
supposed to have lunch.

Oh. Emergency errand.
She might be gone for a while.

I can give you the phone number
for where she's at

if you wanna meet up with her or...

Uh, I don't want to bother her.

Maybe I could just go out,
get some food.

- Happy to share if you're hungry.
- Really?

I am pretty hungry.
Come on.

Walt didn't mind the change in
identity of his lunch date...

Come on.

And I didn't mind
my own change in identity.

Okay, that was an understatement.

(Lowered voice) I wish
you could see me right now.

I look like a different person.

Why would I want that? (Video
game music playing, lasers firing)

Oh, you know what I mean.

It's just so fun
feeling like Larissa.

They're giving me
the full VIP treatment.

I'm in an outfit that costs $1,000

and I'm drinking coffee
that's actually good.

It's called a cappuccino
and it tastes like

hot coffee ice cream...
Or at least I think it does.

Or maybe acting like Larissa
is going to my head

and now I like coffee.
(Laughs)

Ugh. I know I sound like a doofus.

Doofuses can be very attractive.

I believe the plural
would be "doofi."

Okay, maybe taking it too far.

I know! That's what happens
when I...

(Whispers) Act like Larissa.

I just... I take things too far.
("Game over" sound plays)

It's like I have
a totally different identity.

Speaking of, got
Maggie's new I.D.

Think she'll be as good
at playing "Erika Johnson""

as you are at playing Larissa?

Well, she'd better be

if she doesn't want
to end up in juvie.

Ah, juvie. Right about now,
I'd take that over where I am.

(Bed thumping and creaking
overhead) Where are you?

(Mr. and Mrs. Kydd moaning)

Hiding in the den.

Are your parents fighting?

Either fighting or, uh...
(Sighs) Making up.

I can't really tell
the difference at this point.

Your parents are having sex?

(Groans) While you're in the house?

Ugh. Oh, that is horrible.

(Imitating Larissa)
Oh, I've... I've got to go.

Get out of there.
(Beep)

Are those the packages for Andy?

I-I was o-only expecting one.

Oh, no. That package
isn't here yet.

These are all the outfits
you just tried on.

(Lowered voice) Just think
of them as a small token

of the boutique's appreciation.

Appreciation for...
You know.

For featuring our new fall line
on the cover of "Interview."

Like a... bribe?

(Laughs)

I know you have to play dumb,
but we both know how this works.

So... what do you say?

(Clicks switch)

I hope seeing where your
strengths and weaknesses lie

will help motivate you.

We can all learn
from our mistakes, right?

I don't think that's gonna work.

How the hell am I ranked
lower than Alonso in hustle?

He phones it in every game.
What are you talking about?

Well, you never box out.
You never get back on defense.

Oh, yeah?
That game against central,

when that guy nailed
that outside shot

in the fourth quarter,

you didn't even get a hand
in his face.

- (Boy) Ooh!
- Everyone has room for improvement.

There's no need to fight.

You want a hand in the face?

- I'll show you a hand in the face.
- Oh, yeah? Come on.

Guys, guys, chill out.
Come on, guys.

I think this meeting is over.

You guys can all go.

(Boys murmuring)

I've had so many more
blocked shots than you.

I'm out of here.
I should've been ranked...

You must be trippin'.

I think it went pretty well.
They're fired up.

Were you not paying attention
just now?

Alonso and Pendleton
are best buddies,

and you had 'em
at each other's throats.

I don't know why you're so upset.

You ranked number one in four
out of the five categories.

You only came second in free throws

because of your shoulder injury.

You're a piece of work,
you know that?

This is a team.

To win, we have to work together,

not against each other.

But you're athletes.
You're all about competition.

Competing against each other
will enhance results,

like when I found out you were
number one in the class.

Am, not were.

I am number one in the class.

Not for long.

Because feeling competitive
with you motivated me.

And I haven't scored less than
100% on any test since.

And if it takes a little arguing

to make the team more
competitive, it'll be worth it.

You have to fix this.
I can't have my guys fighting.

It's bad for morale.

And bad for winning.

Girl, you are gonna be worse for
this team than Donna Ladonna,

and she almost destroyed us.

(Door opens)

And as we begin our final series
of deep breathing,

you should already feel
nice and relaxed,

calm and centered...
(Snapping gum)

Ready to face the world.

Ha! Are you kidding me?!

You... (Laughing)

- Excuse me?
- It's the gum.

I mean, you... you have been
at this for over an hour now

with the constant...

Snapping and the...
And the chomping.

I-I-I cannot be the only one

whose head is about
to explode here.

I... (Chuckles)

I, uh, I think you are.

No, no, no,
they're all being polite

because you are driving
everybody insane.

Well, maybe it's just you.

(Mouths word)

Because maybe, just maybe,

from your...
Little outburst there,

you're insane.

Come on!

The gum chewing?!

It was so loud!

You know what? Screw it.
Screw it. I d...

You hippie freaks.

This is one of the best perks
of the job.

Puffed cheese straw?
No, thanks.

(Telephone rings)

"Interview" magazine.
This is Bennet.

(Whispers) Please tell me
Larissa's back in the office.

Larissa's not back in the office.

Why are you whispering?

I'm whispering because I still
don't have Andy's package.

And the woman who works
at the store thinks I'm Larissa.

And she's trying to bribe me
with free clothes

that I'm supposed to put
on the cover of "Interview."

Really? What kind of clothes?

That's not the point.

Okay, there is this one
really amazing silver tube dress

that normally I would not
be caught dead I.

But I tried it on, and...

Ugh! What am I saying?
That's not the point.

What am I supposed to do?

I mean, I can't take
all these clothes.

Why not?

Well, wouldn't it be illegal
or something?

Unethical murky area? Yes.

Illegal?
Nah. Everyone does it.

How do you think
Larissa looks so fab?

She can't afford that wardrobe
on her salary.

I say if that woman thinks
you're Larissa,

you take the clothes,
get Andy's package,

and get the hell out of there.

(Woman) Is Larissa Loughlin here?

- That must be the package. I gotta go.
- There's a delivery girl here.

Um...

(Exhales) I'm Larissa Loughlin.
You have my package?

Yes.

And I have something else
for you, too.

Larissa Loughlin,

I'm going to kill you. Aah!

(Vase shatters)

Uh, I-I think
you've got this all wrong.

Oh, really?
Did it feel wrong

when you were sleeping with
my boyfriend, Larissa?

No! Aah!

I bet you're wondering
where he is, aren't you?

You do have a nice,
little routine, don't you?

He delivers Andy's packages,

and then you get
an afternoon quickie.

Well, not this afternoon!

I think this is all
a big misunderstanding.

Lucky for me, he passed out from
too many quaaludes this morning.

So I delivered the package myself.

Look, I...
Save it, bitch!

Stop!

What are you doing?!

What am I doing?

I am going to kill
Larissa Loughlin.

What did you do?

I didn't actually do anything
because I'm not Larissa.

My name is Carrie Bradshaw.
I'm 17.

I-I'm just an intern.

I knew it!

Have at her!

I don't care
what you call yourself.

You ruined my life!

Aah! Aah!
No, not the clothes!

I'm sorry! I'm so sorry.

- Aah!
- He's mine!

Good luck getting that to Andy.

It's not even cut!
(Hangers clattering)

Oh, my God. Is she a drug mule?
It that coke?

I want some.

Get off of me.

(Door closes)

Uh...

Excuse me for a minute.
I... (Sighs)

Now what?

(Sighs)

I just... I wanted to apologize.

After I left and I calmed down,

I felt pretty stupid,
yelling at you like that.

I mean, it turns out

all I needed to relax
was a cheeseburger.

So... (Smacking)
(Chuckles)

That's very funny.

What's funny?

I'm... giving you
the benefit of the doubt

that you are making a joke
based on our last interaction.

I don't know what you mean.

Really? You don't?

(Chewing loudly)

You are doing that on
purpose just to bug me.

Nobody really chews
their gum like that.

(Pop) I do.

I don't even know your name,

but you might be
the most annoying woman

I have ever met.

(Breathing heavily)

I'm Deb.

Tom.

(Continues breathing heavily)

Donna?

Oh, look, a nerd can't stay away
from her natural habitat

even during spring break.
How cute.

Hey, you're during
spring break, too.

Duh! I'm here for the guy-watching.

This is the only time of year

when baseball, basketball,
and soccer

are all practicing
at the same time. Toodles.

Oh, wait.

Before you go, um...

I know this isn't
any of my business,

but is there
some weird history between you

and the basketball team?
What do you mean?

Is there any reason they might
think you almost destroyed them?

Oh! That. (Laughs)

(Exhales) Oh, I went through
an indecisive phase last year.

I dated two players
at the same time.

Of course, they both became
obsessed with me,

and then when they found out
about each other,

they both spazzed.

They were, like, fighting
about me during games.

You know how men are.

Yeah. Sure. Totally.
I know.

Do you remember that 3-game
losing streak last season?

That was you?
Mm-hmm.

Then what?
How did it get fixed?

Yeah, I dumped them both.

Once they had me to hate
as a common enemy,

they became friends again.

And so now...

I am into soccer players.

While mouse was getting an idea,

Maggie got the brand-new identity

she'd been hoping for.

This is perfect.

Thank you for going
to all that trouble.

No trouble at all.

I needed an excuse
to get out of the house

and away from my parents.

So it's "reunited,
but it doesn't feel so good"?

Yeah. Kinda wish they
wouldn't reunite at all.

Carrie thinks that's crazy.

Yeah, but she doesn't have
parents who hate each other.

All my parents do is fight.
It's annoying and loud.

They only stay together
'cause they're catholic.

When I was little,
I used to actually pray

they would get a divorce
just to stop the yelling.

I don't think that's what
the pope had in mind.

Probably not.

(Whispers) Oh... my God.

Is that Mr. Bradshaw?

Yeah, it is. Let's go.

(Indistinct conversations)

Oh! Walt! I'm sorry about lunch.

Bennet was just showing me
his new column. Are you okay?

Yeah. You look kinda crazed.
And what are you wearing?

Oh, you know, I accidentally
took the express train

and ended up in the Bronx

in a $1,000 couture outfit,

which I accidentally
stole from Krizia,

where I was nearly killed
by a psychotic woman

who thought I was sleeping
with her boyfriend

because Larissa is sleeping
with her boyfriend.

And now apparently,
I'm a drug courier, too.

There is something uncut
in here for Andy...

(Whispers) And I'm pretty sure
it's cocaine.

(Normal voice)
And I'm afraid to open it.

Yikes.
(Sighs) It's... oh!

How did this happen?

I mean, all I wanted to be was
a slightly more New York version

of myself and impress Larissa,
but this...

This is not
what I signed up for. I mean...

Carrie?

What? I'm having
a nervous breakdown.

Oh, my.
It's... Andy's wig,

and it hasn't been cut yet.

(Gasps) (Laughs)

So that's what that crazy woman
meant by "uncut."

Yep. No drugs.
Just... Andy's wig.

(Chuckles)

He's very particular about it.

At least, that's what I've heard.

Apparently, he's never
admitted it's a wig,

and he only orders them
from this one guy.

Yeah, this one guy Larissa
is sleeping with.

Okay, so I'm not a total failure.

I can still get this to Andy
at that club

by the end of the day.
It's only 5:30.

Sounds like the end of the day
to me.

Okay. Let's get this wrapped up
and head out.

What... is this place?

Um... does Andy have some
sort of kids' clothing fetish

that we don't know about
or something?

I wouldn't put it past him.

I must have written down
the wrong address

because this is definitely not
a club.

Andy's assistant was talking
so fast.

What do we do now?

There's nothing we can do.

I screwed up the address,
which means this whole day

has been a waste of time.

Because of me, Andy Warhol
is out there somewhere, bald.

(Chuckles) So much for
my summer job at "Interview."

(Sighs)
Larissa is going to kill me.

Let's just go.

(Electronic music playing)

W-wait a sec.
Do you hear that?

All I can hear is the sound
of my own failure,

echoing in my head.

♪

Wait. Is... is that music?

That is definitely
the sound of throbbing bass,

which can mean only one thing.

There's a club around here
somewhere.

♪

This must be
the traveling underground club

I've heard about.

It's open 24 hours, and they
change locations every week.

I've never been able to find it.

Until now.

That was the grodiest thing
I've ever seen.

Mr. Bradshaw out in public
like that.

It's worse than Jack Nicholson
and Shirley MacLaine

making out
in "terms of endearment""

how are we gonna tell Carrie?
We're not.

What? We have to tell her.
She's my friend.

She's your girlfriend.

Doesn't she need to know the truth?

Not if it'll hurt her,
and we don't even know

if what was going on
in that car means anything.

Maybe it's just a, you know,
onetime thing.

I did not think anything
could make it grodier,

but you just did.

No one wants to have
to get involved

in their parents' personal lives.

We want them to be parents,
not people. Believe me.

Hmm. You're right.
It would freak her out.

And, yeah, I mean, it probably
didn't mean anything.

Okay.

My lips are sealed.
You've got a deal.

All right.

Mouse.

Oh, hi.

What's going on with you?

Every time we see you lately,
you're on the run.

Um... that's because
I have a lot to do.

Guys.

We've gotta get past this.

French fries, burgers,
and a grilled cheese.

Do you know what a fatty diet

will do to your endurance
on the court?

What is it now, mouse?

It's... I've been thinking
about what happened

at the meeting, and...

You guys all seemed really upset,

so I just... I just
really wanted to say

that you guys need to grow
some balls!

- Huh?
- You heard me.

Balls.

And not the kind you dribble
on the court, erratically,

in your case, Pendleton.

You're athletes.

Are you really just going to
fall apart

because one of
the geekiest girls in school

pointed out your mistakes?

(Dishes clatter)
Deal with it, you wusses!

Hey, mouse?

Yes?

You're fired.

Fired?

And we're gonna need that I.D.

(Gasps)

There you are. I was frantic.
Where have you been?

Meeting a friend, like I told you.

Don't tell me
you were worried about me.

No, not worried.

I-I just needed to talk.
It's your father.

We had another fight,
and he wants me to leave...

For good.

I was hoping that you could
reason with him.

Reason with him about what?

About giving me another chance,

giving our family another chance.

We can't give up just because
of some silly little fight.

Please, Sebastian, I need you.

You've always been my rock,

my hero, even when
you were a little boy.

Yeah, doesn't that sound
profoundly messed up to you?

I'm not supposed to be your hero

or your rock
or the person you talk to

about your screwed up problems.

I'm your kid.

You should feel good
that I feel so close to you.

Well, you barely know
anything about me.

And you certainly don't seem
like you care about me

or what's good for me.

Why would you say that?

I came back so that
we could be a family again.

But all you guys do is fight.

You hurt each other, and then
you put me in the middle.

That's not being a family.

You're right.

(Exhales)

I... I'm... I'm sorry.

(Sighs)

I'm being selfish.

I-I wanna do what's right for you

and for this family.

Well, what's right for this family

might be you and dad being apart.

I guess... I'm
afraid to be alone.

I love you so much, Sebastian.

You will always have me, mom.

Always.

(Sighs)

I really think
we should think this through.

I-I've heard this place is
beyond impossible to get into.

I mean... we at least
need some sort of plan

or a contact, someone in the know.

I-I just don't think it's...
Or I could do this.

♪

Open up!
We know you're in there.

♪

Ah, we don't want
any girl scout cookies.

(Imitating Larissa)
Hilarious, darling,

but I don't have time for your
clever little jokes right now.

I'm Larissa Loughlin, and I need
to go in there right away.

Lari... (Snorts)

Excuse me.
Did you just snort at me?

Do you not know who I am?
(Scoffs)

Sure, I do, and you're
definitely not Larissa Loughlin.

(Scoffs) And... how would you
know that... darling?

Because I know Larissa Loughlin...

In the, um, biblical sense,
if you know what I mean.

(Normal voice) Yeah, I know...
I know what you mean.

(Door closes)

That went well.

Is this really how it ends?

Defeated by a club filled
with people who are partying

- when it's barely even dark out?
- In their defense,

most of these people have been
partying here since last night,

so...
Well, what are we gonna do?

'Cause being fake Larissa

- is not gonna help you get in there.
- Right.

Maybe being someone else will.

Okay, who? 'Cause I'm not sure
how many more

identities I can take.
Bennet, hey.

Hey! Elliot.

I'm going to be
someone fabulous... me.

Open up.
I have something else to say.

Oh, my gosh, Elliot.
Have you been working out?

Yeah, a little bit. I've been
hitting the gym, you know?

(Bennet and Elliot speak
indistinctly) (Door opens)

Look, munchkin,
my short-term memory

may be severely compromised from
years of recreational drug use,

but even I remember that

you just tried
to fake your way in here,

so how about you just
stop wasting my time?

I only need to waste
one more minute of your time,

and then you never
have to see me again, I promise.

My name is Carrie Bradshaw.

I'm a High School student
from Castlebury, Connecticut,

and I know that's not normally
the kind of person

you would let into this club,

but that's not all I am.

I'm a girl who loves the city
and my job at "Interview,"

which I'm going to lose
if you don't give me a chance

to get in there and get this wig
to Andy Warhol right away.

- You've got Andy's wig?
- Uh-huh.

Why didn't you just say so?

Andy's not even here yet.

I can get his assistant for you
or... you can go on in.

Uh... you know, actually,
I-I've had enough fabulousness

for one day, so if you could
just get his assistant for me...

You sure about that?

I am.

Okay. Well, wait right here.

(Door closes)

(Laughs)

♪

Wait. How did you get this?
You're not Larissa.

Well, actually, I kinda was
for a little bit today,

but that's another story.

You have the package,
and that's all that matters.

Well, thanks.

This is the earliest
it's ever gotten here.

You're so professional.

Well, you said it had to be here
by the end of the day.

By the end of Andy's day.

His day just started a hour ago.

- Oh.
- But great job.

You should be in charge
of all of Andy's packages.

Uh, no, thanks.

Say hi to Larissa for me.

Oh. I will.

It worked!
He has the wig.

Oh. Where's Bennet?
Walt, are you okay?

Let's just go.

Are you guys leaving?
I guess so.

See you tomorrow?
You bet.

Hey, is... is Walt okay?

Uh, I'm not sure.

Larissa still hasn't even
called to check in.

I wonder where she is.

Do you wanna talk?

I can tell something's
bothering you.

You barely said two words
in the cab back there.

Does it have something
to do with Bennet?

(Sighs) I guess I think
it was rude of him

to stay with that guy Elliot
instead of coming back with us.

It's pretty uncool, right?

I guess... it just doesn't seem
like that big of a deal to me.

But clearly it is to you.

Do you, um... maybe...

Why?

You know... Walt,

you can tell me anything.

Right?

(Sighs deeply)

What if I'm not
who I thought I was?

Well, uh, look at me today.

I mean, we're all trying
to figure out who we are.

But you're figuring out
who you wanna be.

I feel like I'm struggling with...

Who I wanna be with.

Okay?

(Sighs)

I think about Bennet a lot.

Well, do you think...
Maybe, um...

You have a crush on him?

No.

Maybe.

Is that gross?

No, it's not gross.

What if it means I'm...
Gay?

Oh! I can't even say it.

Why?

Because being that is wrong.

At least, that's what people think.

That's not what I think.

And in fact,
I know that's not true.

How? How do you know that?

Because... if being gay
is who you are, Walt,

then... it must be good.

Because...

You are good.

And if anyone thinks otherwise,

they're wrong.

I wish it were that simple.

(Sighs) Yeah.

Me, too.

But... you know, whatever happens,

I love you, and I'm here for you.

Thanks.

Walt was finally figuring out
who he was,

embracing his new identity,

and it was clear to both of us

that it wasn't going to be easy.

The next day,

mouse was taking her change
in identity in stride.

Mouse, what's up?

Didn't expect to see you here.

Figured you'd be enjoying
your spring break

now that you're not
team manager anymore.

Sorry about that.

Don't be. I signed up
for habitat for humanity.

Apparently, colleges are big
on philanthropy this year.

(Chuckles) I'm glad you're not mad.

I just feel bad
how it all went down.

I meant to get fired.

What?

Let's just say I learned
a little something

from the team's
previous pariah... Donna.

I decided to give you guys
a common enemy... me...

To bring you back together.
And it worked, didn't it?

That's pretty brilliant,
in an evil genius kind of way.

Did you just call me a genius?

You heard that over evil?

Of course I did.

Well, see you around.

I don't really think you're evil,

and I'm sorry to see you go.

You gonna miss me?

Pfft. No way.

(Giggles)

Maybe.

(A-ha's "take on me" playing)

What?

You heard me.

Mouse was so accustomed
to west's identity

as her academic Nemesis,

that she had failed to see
he might want

to be something more, and that
she might want that, too.

♪ Talking away

thanks. So it turned out

Andy got the wig,
and everything was fine.

But Larissa still
wasn't there today.

So she just takes off
from work for two days?

How does she not get fired?

She was working this whole time.

She's upstate smelling things
with Grace Jones.

I think Grace Jones
is doing a perfume,

but I'm not totally sure.

Anyway, Larissa called today
to thank me for saving her ass,

and she even said
if the office had cubicles,

she'd give me one.

So I think it's safe to say that
that summer job

is a real possibility.
Well, good for you.

So what have you been up to
besides missing me like crazy?

Ah, not much.
My mom split again.

She's back with Lucas.

I think my parents
are done for good this time.

I'm sorry. Although that's what
you wanted, right?

(Mouth full) Yeah. It's better
this way, believe me.

I do.

So what else did I miss
in good old Castlebury?

No, nothing much.
Just the usual suburban boredom.

Nothing like what happened
to you in the city.

Tell me more about last night.

Did anything else happen
after you dropped off the wig?

Uh... nope. Walt and I
took the train home.

We were both pretty beat.

While I was enjoying my identity

as Sebastian's girlfriend...

♪ Oh, things that you say

♪ Is it a life

♪ Or just to play
my worries away? ♪

You ready to head to the train?

Yep.

It was my dad's turn
to embrace a new identity...

♪ I'll be coming for you
anyway ♪

♪ Take on me

that of a man
who was finally ready to date.

♪ Take me on

as for me, my crazy day
made me realize

I liked who I was
and where I was going.

I was starting to become someone

who really belonged in New York,

like this was truly my town.

(Japanese accent) Excuse me.
Oh!

Uh, could you tell me
how to get to 8th street?

Oh, yeah. Um, go down there
and take a right.

Thank you.

And apparently it showed.

♪ Take on me

♪ In a day
♪ Take me on

Uh...

Sir, I gave you
the wrong directions!

You're going the wrong way!

Hey, I said "starting to."

♪ Take on me
♪ In a day