The Canterville Ghost (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Summer - full transcript
Sir Simon (Anthony Head) steps up his efforts to terrorize the Americans, but the Otis family refuses to be frightened. This new miniseries adaptation of Oscar Wilde's The Canterville Ghost shows there's always hope for the haunted.
That's a very bold move.
That's a terrible decision.
With the greatest respect.
I think you're an idiot.
I'll bear that in mind.
I've already forgotten about it.
Correct, we're in
a bit of a pickle.
We're all going to die.
Very good, you're really
getting the hang of it.
Thank you, I've been practising.
Although your self-deprecation.
Needs some work.
THEY CHUCKLE
You need to be careful, Cecil,
or you'll over-exercise
that horse.
We're toast of the town.
The open-air opera,
garden party,
grouse shooting, which we'll
decline on conservational grounds.
And I've been asked
to give a talk
on Boston cuisine to
the Women's Institute.
And you've been asked if you'd like
to join the Village Darts League.
Hmm, would I?
Well, according to Mrs Umney,
it involves men hurling
pointed missiles at a target.
And what red-blooded male
wouldn't like it? Mm.
Although maybe not
one for the boys.
But it's nice they've
made friends, though,
and Ginny and Cecil Canterville
seem to get on well,
maybe a little too well.
Well, Ginny's got more sense than
to get involved with an engaged man.
Yeah, of course she does.
You know what, Hiram?
I feel we've turned a corner.
This place is starting
to feel like home.
You know...
we should hold a ball,
show them we're here to stay.
A ball?
Oh, it's English for
partying, you know,
it's dinner and dancing
and fancy dress.
Oh, when are you thinking?
Oh, Ch ristmas-time.
Like a snowball.
Theme - festive spirit.
Sure.
Is it not going well?
Teething problems.
Sweetie, you've already made
one fortune for this family,
that should be
enough for anyone.
Quieter.
Oh!
The clammer cleaves
my brain like a...
cleaver.
Faster,
but not so fast.
There.
This introspection is
bad for your performance.
These people are evidently
on a lowly material
plane of existence,
quite incapable of appreciating
the symbolic values
of sensuous phenomena.
I wilt not play before such
an unappreciative audience.
There is the small matter of
your contractual obligation
to appear once a week
and jibber from the
grand staircase.
Er...
Gaunt Gideon.
Tired cliche.
He's a classic, literally
a heart stopper.
I'll wager he could teach
those fellow cubs a lesson
they'll wish they could forget.
Um, I'll just leave
it here, then.
Hmm.
DOG BARKS
Here.
The plan should be inside this.
Oh!
Wait, they're the same.
No priest hole.
This isn't the master plan.
There has to be another one.
Wait.
The box is wrong.
The dimensions, it's
deep on the outside.
There has to be a
secret compartment.
It's a puzzle, right?
So there must be a key.
A key.
It's the key.
OTHERS: What?
This symbol means moon.
The moon. Press the moon.
Nothing.
Try all of them.
THEY LAUGH
SHE SIGHS
ls there a problem?
This machine is 70 years old
and, er, sometimes
needs a bit of a rest.
A minute usually does it.
Oh, look at you!
Mm.
HOOVER STARTS
How about that?
They don't make them like
that any more, Mrs Umney.
They certainly don't, sir.
Where's Cecil?
What's the matter, Moppy?
The wedding is off!
MOPPY-
What's the point of drawing
plans for a secret tunnel
and not showing how to get in?
In case they fall into
the wrong pair of hands.
But we mark somewhere.
We just have to find it.
So you keep saying,
what a waste of time.
ALL: Oh!
Sorry, I'll dry it, OK.
Stop, it's burning!
Now look what you've clone.
It's not burnt.
That's writing.
What is that?
"Patron.
The secret code of our people."
So what does it all mean?
BOTH: I have no idea.
The wedding, Cecil.
We have a situation.
Can we talk about
this in private?
Whatever for? This
concerns us all.
Prince Richard is making
a Commonwealth tour
and will be in the
Bahamas for the wedding.
That's, um...
"terrible.
You're telling me. The weather in the
Caribbean is filthy that time of year.
Mush, daddy!
The only reason Hello are coming is
on the condition that he's there.
No Prince Richard
equals no wedding.
It's not the end of the
world if we delay it.
Thankfully, there's
no need for that.
Quite the opposite, in fact.
Debbo has sorted everything.
I had a word with Carol Wales
and she was frightfully
understanding.
Found a window in their
diary for December.
And to apologise for
the inconvenience,
Dickie has offered to
give away the bride.
Suits me.
December is...
it's less than two months.
I know what you're thinking,
but it's all sorted.
Christmas trees
instead of flowers.
Carols from King's College Cambridge Choir
replace the Bedouin tents with ice igloos.
Midsummer Night's
Dream becomes...
Narnia.
Where did you get these?
In an old map we found.
Can you translate them?
These are letters.
M-C-L.
And this is the nut
of the four winds.
And this a cockerel feather.
What about the others?
The diamonds in the
wheel, I don't recognise.
Only that is the letterj.
Do you know what it means?
I know that it's
for you to find out.
CLOCK TICKS
Good evening, sir Simon.
Thou dost admire my portrait.
The Cantervilles have
always been blessed with
pulchritudinous visages.
Forgive me for saying,
but you haven't
aged at all well.
The undead age
like the living...
just a bit slower.
In time, the flesh
will drop from my body,
my repertoire reduced
to clanking bones,
and eventually, even they
will crumble to dust,
floating in limbo
for all eternity.
That's terrible.
Almost 500 years
I have not slept.
I'm so tired.
Sir Simon, may I ask
about Lady Eleanor?
Whatever for?
Ghastly woman.
Never had my ruff
starched properly
and knew nothing, nothing,
about cookery.
She died in 1576,
which is a year after
legend says you killed her.
Ginny?
Hi, honey. I thought
I heard voices.
Only me. Goodness,
it's cold in here.
DOOR OPENS
Beautiful, isn't it?
Sure is.
You know...
even if you haven't
found Simeon, Otis,
it doesn't mean you
don't belong here
or that you aren't
the same man...
an exceptional man who I
couldn't be more proud of.
Hiram.
Is there something else?
I'm ruined, Lucy.
Hiram Co over extended and
the bank called in the debt.
What?
Hiram, why didn't you tell me?
We were hoping for a
last-minute bailout.
I didn't want to worry
you until I was certain.
I've lost everything.
It's gone, Lucy.
The company, the
money, everything.
No, Hiram,
not everything.
Not anything that matters.
We've got our health...
each other, and we
have the children.
How do you think
they'll take it?
So does that mean we're leaving?
On the contrary.
The house is the only
thing the banks can't seize
because it doesn't
belong to the company.
But we are no longer rich.
You give us $20
a week allowance.
You can keep that.
Ancl the treasure,
that's if we find it.
Hey, that won't be necessary.
You know, we may not be rich,
but we aren't destitute.
I can get a job, Dad.
There's really no need.
You know, I'm
going back to work.
Remember, you know,
all this is temporary.
Your dad's working hard
on his new invention,
and if he can
invent one fortune,
hey, I'm sure he can
invent another one.
Darn right I can.
See th is, Den by.
The rich, vulgar
Americans are now
just vulgar Americans.
Indeed, Your Ladyship.
Let's see if the boy will
come to his senses now.
My dad was never cut
out for the boardroom.
Turns out the guy he left
in charge wasn't either.
Over expanded in Southeast Asia
just before the economic downturn.
Are you leaving?
The chase, it appears is the only
roof we have left over our heads.
I'm glad.
Not about...
I'm glad you aren't leaving.
Not when I've just
learned the language.
I need to tell you something...
about the wedding.
Can it wait?
I have to get back.
Come on, jim.
See you soon.
Oh! Stop making a mess.
Cockerel feather,
four winds M-C—L-j,
diamond, wheel of
clubs and two diamonds.
Can you turn that
darn thing off?
We're trying to think here.
We've been staring
at it for clays.
No, we need a different plan.
Have you got one?
Capture the ghost and don't release him until
he's told us where the priest's hole is.
Like we can catch a ghost.
We aren't Ghostbusters.
The ghost is made of atoms,
particles of matter like dust.
And how do we trap dust?
Sitronic technology. Exactly.
All we need to do is calculate
the mass and recalibrate.
Sweetie, did you know the Stilton
Canterville Wedding's been moved forward?
This December 18th now.
Why would that affect me?
Would you like some eggs, miss?
No, thank you, Mrs Umney.
I'm not very hungry.
I think I'll skip breakfast.
What's all that about?
Hiram, can you not see what's
going on right under your nose?
Mushrooms, sir.
Mm.
I take it you've heard?
What's it to do with me?
Virginia and I are just friends.
I am neither blind nor senile,
and I won't let you
risk this marriage.
This isn't just about you,
it's about the future
of this family.
Sounds more like a
merger than a marriage.
That's exactly what it is.
The British aristocracy are
becoming an endangered species.
Money and birthright no
longer go hand in hand.
If we are to survive,
we must stick together.
You have two choices, Cecil.
Mary Moppy Stilton...
or throw your lot in
with a penniless American
and become a pauper too.
I will cut you off
without a penny
and leave Fanshawe to
the National Trust.
So...
what's it to be?
MOPPY: Cecil!
Are you there? Coming!
I'm glad you've seen sense.
MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY
KNOCK ON DOOR
You OK, honey?
Sure. Why wouldn't I be?
Not riding today?
I don't feel like it.
Look, I don't want to interfere.
Mom, you always say that
right before you interfere.
When you have kids yourself you'll
realise it's in the job description.
And I couldn't help but notice that
you and Cecil have gotten close.
And maybe the wedding moving
forward is for the best.
Mom, I appreciate the concern,
but you're way off the mark.
Cecil and I are just friends,
and I couldn't be
happier for him.
Sure.
All I'm saying is I'm
here if you want to talk.
Actually, Mom, I've some work
in the library I need to do.
Dad's genealogy project.
Not exactly.
That's it right
there. Now tie it up.
Come on, it's heavy.
I'm trying. Then try harder.
Here goes.
All right.
EVIL LAUGH
"The most ignominious chapter
in this family's history.
Suffice said he was a wicked
man who killed his wife
and after stole the family's jewels
and fled as a thief in the night.
Once justice struck,
set upon by his wife's brothers
and bricked up alive
within his own walls
so he would never be shriven."
I'm guessing you've
tried giving it a rest.
She's at rest for good now, sir.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Never failed me
in over 50 years.
I suppose I shouldn't
get upset over a machine.
Oh, no, no, I know
exactly what you mean.
I mean, Bessie here,
she's part of the family.
You want me to take a look?
I know a thing or
two about vacuums,
bet there's life in
the old girl yet.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
So, tell me,
why all the interest
in Sir Simon?
His so-called legend is
full of inconsistencies.
It says he killed his wife,
but Lady Eleanor died in 1576.
Ancl here it says he was
murdered by his wife's brothers,
who at the time were
aged just 11 and 12.
Intriguing.
Sounds like you have a
cold case on your hands.
Unless he had another wife.
LOUD WHOOSHING
Aah.
Aah.
I am the Otis ghost.
The only true and
original spook.
Beware of imitations.
All others are counterfeits.
How dare thee!
Trespass upon Canterville!
On my path not.
Away ye!
EVIL LAUGH
No!
Oh!
Got you. What will
you do with it?
Analyse the mass atom ratio.
You can do that? We
know a man who can.
I was tricked.
Tricked, foiled and outwitted.
They defiled me,
I am mutilated.
Incomplete.
The haunter
has become the hunted.
HE HUMS
Darn it.
Hey, Dad. Hey, Dad. Hey, guys.
What do you need?
We just want to work out
the massed atom ratio.
Of what?
Oh, then you'll need to run
a de-formulation program me.
Can I ask what it is?
Just kid's stuff. We're trying
to make a new type of stink bomb.
Mm-hmm.
Well, this ought to do it.
That's the mass atom analyser.
You're welcome to use
it on one condition.
You tell me what
you're really doing.
Truth this time.
It's Sir Simon.
Sir Simon?
As in... The ghost.
Well, a sample of the many way...
We're trying to work out his mass
so we can make a ghost catcher.
Then we'll force him to tell us where
the Canterville treasure is buried.
Oh, you will?
Well, you got it
all figured out.
Be my guest.
EXCITED CHATTERING
How are you...?
Hmm.
Well, never mind.
WHIZZING
TICKER TAPE CLICKS
A human adult is made of
approximately octillion atoms.
However, part ghost here
comprises of just half that
and they appear to be lighter.
So he's like us.
Just less substantial.
Exactly. So what we really need
to do is recalibrate the cyclone
and we can suck them up.
How are we going to do that one,
Einstein? Sitronic technology, obviously.
Is this really necessary?
I wouldst not expect a
hedge-born fustilarian
to appreciate the nuances of
an understated performance,
and there is a great deal to
be said for this invention.
I'm sorry it's not better news.
Every internal part
would need replacing,
so while she'd look the
same on the outside,
inside, there'd be nothing
left of the original.
I don't think she'd
like that, sir.
Neither do I, Mrs Umney.
I appreciate you trying,
but all good things
come to an end.
Not necessarily.
Some good things
should be preserved,
which is why
I like you to talk to this guy.
Dr Leonard Glanville,
curator of the Museum of
Domestic Science in Detroit.
I hope you don't mind, but
it's rare to find an item
like this in such
well-maintained condition.
And with your agreement,
he'd like to acquire her.
There's a museum of
domestic science?
Americans have a
museum for everything.
Well, you can see for
yourself if you say yes.
She'll be preserved and put
on display for all to admire,
which seems much more
fitting than a scrapheap.
Indeed it does, sir.
SAD VIOLIN MUSIC
Oooh!
Fibber, 'fibber,
'fibber, 'fibber.
I'm not sure they can
hear you with the bag.
Oh!
♪ Hail the heaven-born
Prince of Peace
♪ Hail the Son of Righteousness
♪ Light and life
to all He brings
♪ Risen with
healing in His wings
♪ Mild He lays His glory by
♪ Born that we no more may die
♪ Born to raise...♪.
Season's greetings.
Henry jaundice, Attorney at Law.
Janice Reynolds Insolvency
Litigation Specialists,
London Office.
It was good of you to come
all this way, Mr jaundice.
There are a lot of
documents for signature,
so it was thought best
to send someone to
witness them in person.
And, as it transpires,
a delightful interlude.
What a magnificent abode,
it's like stepping back in time.
You don't know the half of it.
♪ ..And a partridge
in a pear tree
♪ On the third day of Christmas
♪ My true love sent to me
♪ Three French hens
♪ Two turtle doves
♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree... ♪
Slow down.
♪ On the fourth day of Christmas
♪ My true love sent to me
♪ Four calling birds
♪ Three French hens
♪ Two turtle doves
♪ And a partridge in... ♪
But there's been a mistake here.
Chase is our family home,
so therefore exempt.
Oh, yes, an anomaly was spotted.
♪ ..Five gold rings... ♪
Mm-mm!
Oh, this is excellent.
Imperial jasmine
Oolong from the...
Wuyi mountains, if I'm correct.
Thank you, I don't really...
What kind of anomaly?
The Chase was purchased
with company funds
and only later
transferred to the family,
rendering it liable to be seized
by the company creditors.
Did you not receive notification
from your legal team?
The communications around
here are rather erratic.
There must be
something we can do.
Some legal loophole.
I'm afraid not.
It's all there,
signed and notarised.
Rather annoying, I expect.
Rather.
♪ Five gold rings! ♪
Marvellous!
I was in an a cappella group
at Corpus Christi
Rat Bite Choir.
Those were the clays.
Anyway, I won't
stay in your hair.
I can see you're hard at work
at a veritable explosion
of Yuletide festivities.
♪ Five gold rings! ♪
Excellent.
It only remains for me to wish
you a very Merry Christmas.
Where will we live?
Your grandparents'
cottage in Maine.
They've said we can stay there
just till we get back on our feet.
I can't tell you how sorry I am.
I've let you all down.
It's OK, Dad.
It's not like I have
any reason to stay.
Er, we do.
We're this close to finding
the cannibal treasure.
So when do we leave?
We got till Christmas.
Well, the hall's
already paid for.
So if we're going,
we'll go out with a bang
and we'll throw the best
ball this county's ever seen.
Right, kids?
I suppose you've heard the news.
The Chase is up for sale
and the Americans are leaving.
Shame.
Hiram Otis is a top chap.
It's not like they
ever fitted in.
No doubt they'll be missed.
Where are you off
to in such a hurry?
Riding.
I think Magnus
needs the exercise.
You're leaving?
So it seems.
I'm sorry, I...
Don't be. It's not like I
have any reason to stay.
What if you did?
Have a reason to stay?
That would depend on the reason.
'N.
I'll sort this out.
Just promise me you won't go.
Please say something.
I'm translating.
I promise.
I'll see you at the ball
tomorrow night, we'll talk then.
They are leaving.
I have frightened them away?
Not exactly.
This is for you.
What is it?
A ball on the night of the
anniversary of my death.
Theme -
Festive Spirit.
They are holding a
celebration in mine hon our.
This I must attend.
Ancl risk running into the
body-stealing hell-child is?
Oh, then a discreet attendance.
I shalt...
mingle unrecognised
in plain sight.
This news is
positively restorative.
I feel like a new ghost.
I never meant it to happen
or to hurt you.
You're a terrific girl.
Kind and beautiful.
Except perhaps just...
not for me.
I'm so sorry.
Lady Deborah is waiting
in the car, Master Cecil.
Coming.
♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out
♪ On the feast of Stephen
♪ When the snow lay round about
♪ Deep and crisp and even... ♪
I'm so sorry we were late.
I'll get ready.
Very festive, you have made
an effort. Well, you too.
Welcome, so glad
you could make it.
Sorry to hear you're selling up.
Oh, thank you. I'm
sorry we're going.
I'll come find you.
Yes, such a shame you're going.
But at least you'll be
able to attend the wedding.
Welcome, so glad
you could make it.
Oh, you need to be on
duty tonight, Mrs Umney.
You're here to enjoy yourself.
Who is it you've come as?
Mrs Danvers.
Rebecca is my favourite novel.
Oh, of course.
Judith Anderson.
The only version Daphne du
Maurier would have approved of
in my humble opinion.
Humble or not, it is an
opinion I admit to sharing.
Sorry.
You, er...
You dropped this.
Thank you.
♪ It's the most wonderful
time of the year
♪ With the kids jingle belling
♪ And everyone telling
♪ You be of good cheer... ♪
Can I have a word? Something
I'd like to run by.
OK, sure.
♪ Of the ye-e-ear
♪ It's the hap, happiest season
♪ Of all
♪ With those holiday greetings
♪ And gay, happy meetings...'
My Ladyship.
Such an assemblage.
Adorus in mine hon our.
I'm almost humbled.
Oh!
Your pardon, madam.
See, Cesspit, my
heart is sooth-ed
to see Canterville once more,
filled with such
genteel companies.
To your left.
Cheery-bye, I'm off.
Perhaps I should peruse
from a less public place.
DOG GROWLS Hey, boy,
What's the matter with him?
He can smell ghost.
DOG BARKS
That lady must have touched him.
DOG BARKS
DOG GROWLS
DOG YELPS
Let's go.
Listen, I know what
the score is on Cecil,
and I may be a dunce, but he is my
best friend, and I know him, you see.
I... Wait, hear me out.
What I'm saying is...
| don't mind being
his leftovers.
Rather used to it, in fact.
And as for money, no object
as it would take an act of Parliament
for my father to disinherit me.
Are you...?
Is this a proposal?
I wouldn't tie you down.
Whack out an heir and a spare and
then you're free to do your own thing.
And I think we'd rub along
quite nicely, so what...?
What do you... what do you say?
Rafe,
can you take off the sunglasses?
Yeah, sure, of course, yeah.
Rafe, you're...
a great gm!-
You don't need to be
anyone's leftovers,
because one clay you'll find
a woman who deserves you.
Just promise me that before then
you'll work on your
proposal speech.
Roger that.
THEY LAUGH
Still isn't a no, is it?
♪ ..a great big smile
on somebody's face... ♪
He must have gone up. Everyone
know what you're doing?
Go, go, go'
DOG BARKS
♪ Don't you lock your doors
♪ You know that sweet
Santa Claus is on the way
♪ Well, I wish it could
be Christmas every day
♪ When the kids start singing
and the band begins to play... ♪
You look wonderful, my clear.
Quite like you're
going into battle.
Prize being Prince Charming?
But remember, clear,
Joan of Arc was burnt.
Ancl this isn't a fairy tale.
There will be no happy
ever after for Cecil
if he makes an unsuitable match.
I will disinherit him and all his grand
plans for Fanshawe will come to nothing.
You would force him to marry
a woman he doesn't love.
Love is...
such a lower-class concept.
You imagine it shines so
bright it will conquer all.
Trust me, the lust will fade
when you're in social housing,
wondering how to pay
the electricity bill.
You're wrong.
Cecil doesn't care
about any of that.
He loves me.
I'm sure he does.
The question is,
without all this,
can he love himself?
Sometimes, my dear, the
greatest act of love
is to let go.
♪ Why don't you give your love
♪ For Christmas. ♪
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Alone at last.
So I've been trying to
get away all evening.
Listen, I haven't had the
chance to tell Moppy yet.
Good. Don't.
What?
Why?
It would be a mistake.
We were a mistake
that got out of hand.
It's not too late to put it right.
I don't want to put it right.
I want you.
Ancl lose Fanshawe?
You've been talking
to my grandmother.
You mustn't listen to her.
I can't be the
woman of your dreams
because I can't make
your dreams come true.
There he is!
DOG BARKS
NOW!
Aarghg
White sorcery...
is this!
Oh, I demonish...
Keep going, it's working.
Oh!
Help me!
Oh!
Take that!
WOMAN: Must be a
trick or something.
APPLAUSE
Well clone!
We'll talk about this later.
Blow me over if it didn't work.
How did you do it?
Adhesive vapour in a cylinder.
You don't say.
It would have worked too,
if not for that darn rat.
He's probably gone
to ground by now.
At least we know
it works next time.
May not be a next
time, we're leaving.
Yeah, you're right.
This is our leaving party.
So let's go back in there, eat,
dance and have a good time.
Yes.
Hey, you coming?
Four winds and a cockerel
and look at the wind spinner.
What about it?
It should be spinning,
especially in a wind like this.
It's pointing
towards the chapel.
I'm sorry about my brothers,
but if it's any consolation,
we're leaving soon.
Thou art grief stricken,
but canst console thyself.
Even if she is a Fanshawe,
she didst speak the truth.
The sign of the House of Canterville
aligned with a penniless colonial
past child-bearing
years is unthinkable.
But if be true and thine
hearts lie entwined,
then nought can prevent him from
taking thee as his mistress.
Thank you for the
consolation, Sir Simon,
but I've had the Cantervilles
up to here for one night.
Virginia, look...
Rafe, please.
Not now I have to
go. Hear me out.
I heard what you said, and
I've given it a rethink.
No, no, no, no, really.
I've re-thought the whole
thing, it's much improved, um...
I should probably have a ring
for this but you could...
We... You can just pretend.
Virginia Otis, you are
a goddess amongst...
amongst all the other girls.
Would you do me the hon our?
Desist from spewing
forth unwanted attentions
upon this maiden,
or I shall rip out thy
filthy mouth from thy body.
Submit or thou diest, Knave.
Submit, submit.
Thank you.
A trifle.
The Stiltons have always
over exalted themselves
and their womenfolk
resemble horses.
I like horses.
HE LAUGHS
There, You see, thou
canst forget that grief.
It's your interlude.
'N.
I fool myself.
The pain of lost
love never healeth.
It is almost 500 years
from the day my love died.
The pain doth grow sharper...
with every hour that passes.
Sir Simon...
did you have another wife?
LUTE MUSIC PLAYS
Ethelinda.
You had a son?
I didst kill them both.
Ancl I am cursed to the torture
of limbo for mine actions.
But that was nearly
half a millennium
and whatever your crime
the accused shall enjoy the right
to a speedy and public trial.
The Sixth Amendment
as enshrined in the
US Constitution.
Your words are meaningless.
I guess...
| guess what I'm saying is,
if you still want me,
I'll plead your case
before the Angel of Death.
Thou didst declare
thyself unworthy.
You can't just sit back and watch
a clear miscarriage of justice.
Every crime has mitigation.
And given you've shown remorse,
and taking into
account time spent
on remand in limbo,
I'd say we had a chance.
Thou wouldst do this for me?
What are we looking for?
I have no idea.
Let's hope we know
when we find it.
The fourth dimension.
Fraught with danger
and ne'er for the faint hearted.
I'm not afraid.
Who is that?
Counsel for the prosecution.
They call him the great orator
because he never loses a case.
I'd wish you luck,
but would be wasting my breath,
metaphorically speaking.
Where were you at the bar?
I'm not.
I haven't graduated yet.
In that case, I
wish you a miracle.
All rise.
All rise for the right hon
our able Angel of Death.
Your Honour...
You will address me as my Lord.
My Lord, I would like to
ask for an adjournment.
SHOCKED MUTTERING
Counsels, approach the bench.
I've not had an opportunity
to review the evidence files.
Defence counsel is
extant, My Lord.
This is most unorthodox.
There are prophecy
conditions in place, my Lord.
All the evidence will be
duly presented in court
and given the case has already taken
half a millennium to get to trial,
I myself would like to
get out of here in time
for a decent lunch!
MUTTERINGS OF AGREEMENT
Bring in the defendant.
Simon de Canterville,
you are charged with
entrapment to marriage,
theft, and wilfully causing the
death of your wife and child.
How do you plead?
CHAINS RATTLE
For mercy.
♪ I thought love was only
true in fairy tales... ♪
Theo is onto something.
How about that? Chip
off the old block.
Mrs Otis, have you seen Ginny?
No, not since the
twins' performance.
If you see her,
will you tell her...
tell her I'm looking
for her. Sure.
♪ ..Till I saw her face
♪ Now I'm a believer... ♪
Something's happened
between Cecil and Ginny.
9.89 mils of adhesive to...
Go, you know you want to,
before Mrs Umney catches you
writing on her best damask.
I love you.
I won't be long.
♪ I thought love was
only true in fairy-tales
♪ Meant for someone
else but not for me... ♪
Would you like to dance?
Yeah.
♪ ..when all you
get it pain... ♪
The prosecution
calls Peter Lovell.
For the record, please state
your occupation in 1575.
Architect and master builder.
And father...
to sons Murgo and Dicken
and a daughter, Ethelinda.
For the record, Mr Lovell's sons
are currently serving
a 1,000-year sentence
in the Garden of Unrest
for the murder of the defendant.
In 1570, you were engaged
by Lorcl Henry Canterville
for the design and
construction of the great wing.
Yes. How did you feel when you
discovered your daughter's romance
with your employer's
son and heir?
What do you think?
Romani and Georges have
no union with one another.
Despite your objections, you
allowed the couple to be handfasted,
a form of marriage in which
the hands are tied together
denoting the binding
of two lives.
It sounds highly impractical.
I believe the ties are removed
after the ceremony, my Lord.
Crucially, the
marriage was morganatic
and unrecognised in English law.
English laws are not
recognised by us.
The witness will confine himself
to answering the questions.
Ancl yet the defendant
broke his vow,
defaulted from the contract...
and married another...
this time a marriage
recognised in English law
and in doing so denied
the existence of his union
with Ethelinda Lovell.
Ancl what were the
repercussions of this perfidy?
She was dishonoured.
Marime, which incurs
the ultimate sanction
expulsion from the community.
There is no greater punishment.
Other than death, perhaps.
No further questions.
Mr Lovell...
CLEARS THROAT
Mr Lovell,
the Romani frown upon
alliances with non-Romani.
And yet you allowed such
a union to take place?
I bowed to the inevitable.
They were air and fire.
There was no keeping them apart.
Thank you, Mr Lovell.
No further questions.
The prosecution calls
Lord Henry Canterville.
Can you describe to the court
what the defendant
was like growing up?
Objection. My client's childhood
behaviour has no bearing on this case.
Denied.
Oh!
He was the youngest
of twin sons.
The runt of the litter, a
fractious and sickly child.
Whereas his brother was everything
one could wish for in a son.
Fairer face and disposition.
Athletic and a scholar.
When they were both
afflicted with ague,
we expected the weakest to die.
That the superior
son was taken...
broke his parents' hearts.
A disappointment then.
Grievously so.
Foppish and a dreamer,
prone to irrational
outbursts of sentiment.
We always expected he
would come to nothing.
Fears, members of the
jury, which became founded.
What did you do
when you discovered
your son had formed...
an alliance with
Ethelinda Lovell?
We forbade it and found
him a suitable match.
This would be Lady
Eleanor Fanshawe,
daughter of the third
Earl of Fanshawe,
and one of the most desirable
matches in the land.
Ancl your son agreed
to this match?
That'll be the ruination
of the family name.
Thank you, my Lord.
No further questions.
Lord Henry, did
you love your son?
Am I expected to answer that?
If you can indulge my learned
friend on this occasion.
I did my duty.
He was fed and clothed and
given the finest education
and found a suitable wife.
A woman he didn't love.
But what relevance is this?
My Lord, I'm afraid
I must intervene.
This isn't a colloquy
on the nature of
romantic attachment.
LAUGHTER
No further questions.
Evidence of the fateful
events will be presented
on historical monitor
so the jury can form
their own conclusions
as to the black-hearted
nature of the defendant.
Ethelinda Lovell took
refuge in the woods,
living off the
land for survival.
But as winter came,
such a way of survival
became untenable.
I draw your
attention to the fact
that this was the coldest
recorded winter in 200 years.
Shunned by her people,
and out of options,
the desperate woman made her way
through a freezing blizzard
to seek shelter from
the only one who could help her.
Admit her!
Anyone who does shall
earn a whipping.
She has the nerve
to show her face!
She will perish
along with my son!
He's a Canterville!
It isn't mine, though.
You have the effrontery
to speak of it
when your wife stands here
with a true heir of
Canterville in her belly.
Guards! No!
Dost come from him
so this is finished
once and for all.
Speak.
Or go down in history as a disgrace
to the House of Canterville.
Close the gates.
No!
No!
No!
ETHEUND A SCREAMS
On the 4th of December 1575,
Ethelinda Lovell froze to death.
Her baby son carried
off and devoured...
by wild animals.
Ancl there we have it,
members of the jury
Here rests the case
for the prosecution.
Excellent.
Time for a cup of tea
and maybe a slice
of walnut cake.
All rise!
Whoa, let's look around.
Keep your eyes peeled
for a priest hole.
What does the next symbol mean?
Um...
six of clubs who bring you hope,
make three knots
in a piece of rope.
Look.
What are you doing?
Working out where
the ghost got in.
11,12,13,
14,15.
The tapestry was
right up there, so...
OK, head lamps off.
Ultraviolet lamps on.
I got him.
This just solid stone.
You can't go
through solid stone.
There must be
something behind here.
The defence calls Jeremiah
Otis to the stand.
Please state your name
and occupation in 1575.
Jeremiah Otis.
CLEARS THROAT
Poacher.
Father to nine children,
the youngest of whom
was Simeon Otis,
1575 to 1655.
Yeah. On the 4th
of December 1575,
you were fined one
shilling for poaching
at Canterville Assizes Court...
Objection, my lord.
The witness has already answered
for his earthly transgressions.
I will rephrase. Mr Otis,
after leaving the assises court,
can you describe your route home?
I would be through the woods.
This is a map of
the area in 1575.
This route would have
taken Mr Otis past the spot
where Ethelinda
Lovell was found dead.
GAS PS
Mr Otis, eight of
your nine children
are recorded in the
parish birth records,
the exception being
the youngest, Simeon.
I put it to you, this is because
he wasn't your biological son,
your natural son,
that he is, in fact, the son of
Sir Simon de Canterville
and Ethelinda Lovells.
GAS PS
MUTTERING
Order, order!
Mr Otis...
Poor lamb was near
death when I found her.
Her last words were...
My baby.
So...
BABY CRI ES
Scrap was blue with
cold and half dead.
So I took him home to the wife.
Fearsomely fond of
the bairn she was.
We already had eight, so one
more didn't make a difference.
On|_y..-
we changed his name to Simeon.
It means God has heard...
our little miracle, he was.
Members of the jury,
Simeon Otis grew to adulthood
and in 1620 emigrated
to the New World,
where he founded a dynasty
who survive to this day.
I move that the charge of
infanticide be dismissed.
GAS PS
Sustained.
Order, order!
The defence calls Murgo and
Dicken Lovell to the stand.
WHISPERING
You and your brother were
on a team of builders
working at Canterville Chase when
your sister arrived to seek shelter.
Close the gates.
No!
No!
ETHEUND A SCREAMS
We saw him send
her to her death.
And neglected to go to her aid?
She was marime.
It was forbidden.
So we avenged her.
By abducting and
murdering the defendant.
Objection. The witnesses are already
serving sentences for their crimes
and are not on trial here.
Sustained.
According to your statements,
when you apprehended Sir Simon,
he was carrying a bag of jewels.
We didn't steal them.
Lovells aren't thieves.
We left them hidden
with rotten bones.
So no Canterville
could ever find them.
Objection.
The witnesses are not
the ones on trial here.
Withdrawn.
You abducted the defendant
in the sunken garden.
Am I right in saying this
is the most direct route
from the house to the stables?
Yes.
No further questions.
The defence calls Sir
Simon de Canterville.
The defence calls, Sir
Simon de Canterville.
CHAINS CLINK
You reside at Canterville
Chase, England,
where you are currently
Ghost in Residence?
I am generally consider-ed
the Premier Ghost
in British Isles.
Ooh!
If I may bring you
back to the events
on the 4th of December, 1575.
Specifically, what happened
immediately after you gave the orders
to turn Ethelinda
Lovell from the gates?
My father didst order
all to their chambers
to prepareth for dinner.
It was not worthy
to prepare for.
The cooks did ruin everything
clue to my wife's instructions.
She was a woman who didst truly
know not of cookery.
I mean, immediately after you
gave the order to close the gates.
Hmm.
Did you regret the order?
Three words to my damnation
before they passed my lips.
You didn't go to your chamber
as your father instructed. Huh.
You went to the Treasury where you
stole a number of family jewels.
I prefer borrowest.
They wouldst have come to
me upon my father's death.
What did you do after you
"borrowed" the jewels?
I didst go to settle the horse.
You were going after Ethelinda?
Hmm.
For the benefit of the jury,
can you explain your plan?
To find her, sell the jewels
and purchase a passage for us
to the New World where we
couldst maketh a life together.
So it was your
intention to atone?
It was not to go hunt
boar in a blizzard.
What were your thoughts on
realising your predicament?
That I deserved...
no less.
Help!
Help!
Help meg
No further questions.
You say you lamented the deed
before the words left your lips.
Yet your attitude,
if you will forgive me...
hardly comes over
as one of regret.
Indeed, if lament after the
deed were a defence, then...
his Lord and I would
both be out of a job.
GIGGLING
No further questions.
For the benefit of the
jury, the defendant is bound
by the conditions of a curse.
Can you explain
these conditions?
I canst not weep for my
sins, for I have no tears,
nor pray for my soul,
for I have no faith.
For the record, the defendant
has been lamenting for his sins
for 446 years.
That is 162,790 days,
or three million,
900,006
and 960 hours.
Has he not lamented enough?
Here rests the case
for the defence.
The defendant claims
he regretted his
deed after a lifetime
of showing no regret.
No regret when he abandoned
Ethelinda Lovell for a woman
for a woman of his own class.
No regret when
she was banished
from her community.
No regret when he
cast her out in a blizzard
to her certain death.
No regret, members of the jury.
No regret.
Until after the event,
which I don't need
to remind you,
is not a defence...
thus rendering him
undeserving of
this court's mercy.
You see before you a man
guilty of many crimes.
Oath breaking,
moral cowardice,
theft.
A man who, by his own admission,
caused the death of his wife.
A man the prosecution
claims showed no regret.
I show you a man who regretted that
decision as the words left his mouth.
Prepared to defy his family
and outlaw himself to
atone for his wrongs,
wrongs that condemned
him to limbo,
denied divine justice,
truly a fate worse than death.
This is a court of mercy.
I direct you to the mercy
shown by Ethelinda Lovell
to the defendant.
In her dying words she named
her son after his father.
Certain proof she forgave
him before she died.
If she can forgive,
then so must you.
Will the foreperson please rise?
On the charges, how
did the jury find?
Mercy or no mercy?
Mercy.
APPLAUSE
Court at ease.
The court is still sitting.
GAVEL BAN GS
Order!
WHOOSHING
Simon de Canterville,
you have been deemed worthy
of mercy by the jury.
Given mitigation
and time served in limbo
I sentence you
to repose in the Garden of Rest.
I thank thee.
BIRDS TWEET
Ooh.
It appears the curse
remains in place
clue to an outstanding
prophecy condition.
My Lord, I believe the conditions
of the prophecy were all fulfilled.
Curses and prophecies are not
within this Court's jurisdiction.
Therefore, I have no option
other than to return the prisoner
to his earthly limbo...
until the conditions are met.
Sir Simon?
Sir Simon?
Sir Simon.
If there is a priest hole behind
here, then how does it open?
Eyes front, eyes spread out.
You go right, we'll go left.
Now what?
Behind you.
Three knots in a
piece of... Wait.
Help me.
Let me try.
CRENQNG
THEY GIGGLE
Good to see you.
No luck?
I can't find her and no-one
else has seen her since
the kids bushwhacked the ghost.
Patience?
Jonathan?
Time to go home.
Where are the twins?
I don't understand.
Haven't all the conditions of
the prophecy been fulfilled?
Sorry, I failed you.
Sir Simon?
Are you there?
If you can hear me,
please hurry back.
I need your help.
"Woe to the wicked.
It will go badly with him
for what he deserves
will be done to him."
This is it.
The priest hole's
around here somewhere.
What are we looking for?
"A spider spinning on the wall means
he'll be brave and strong and tall."
Plenty of real
spiders, for sure,
but I don't see the mechanism.
There.
SQUEAKING
STONE GRINDS
Am I glad to see you.
How did you find me?
We were looking for the ghost.
How the heck did
you get in here?
It's a long story.
Is that Sir Simon?
Yes.
Then where's the treasure?
We don't need the treasure.
We need to get out of here.
SQUEAKING
Now, No worries.
We'll get out the
same way Ginny got in.
How did you get in?
BOyg!
Ginny!
Ginny! Boys, where are you?!
SHOUTING
Children, where are you?
Ginny!
So Sir Simon's our great, great,
great-something-grandfather?
And our great, great-aunt
was your great, great,
great-grandmother,
which makes us...
great, great, great...
That's 14 cousins
once removed. Yes.
That's just weird.
It's destiny.
Where's Sir Simon now?
I guess he's on his way back
from the fourth dimension.
Nine hours, two sets of twins.
13, and our daughter's 22.
Yeah, I realise she's an adult,
but even so, there's
absolutely no reason for that.
They have found
the priest's hole.
It's been hidden for centuries.
What chance do we have?
You look a bit worse for wear.
Soothes, though, if...
Oh, I've been scattered to
the fourth dimension and back.
Come closer for I am weak.
What's he doing?
Talking.
That's Cesspit. He's
Sir Simon's familiar.
I don't care if they are family.
You would send me to the domain of
the hag with the broom of death.
If she splays my gizzard on
sight, on your head be it.
MOUSE TWEETS
They say someone will
be on the way shortly.
They'll freeze to
death before shortly.
They told me what
they were up to.
Too darn caught up in my
own problems as usual.
I should never have
brought us here.
You weren't to know
they be so clever, sir.
Aarghg
It's only a rat.
It's a filthy, filthy rat!
In my kitchen!
Stop, stop, Mrs Umney!
Look at its eyes.
It's trying to
tell us something.
Come out.
We won't hurt you.
I won't count on it.
What do you want?
It wants us to follow.
No, we've already searched in
here. Then we'll search it again.
Hey, look, over here.
Where's he gone? Where'd he go?
You think they're behind here?
Don't know, he was there.
It's solid. At least two
feet of brick, I reckon.
Then where did the rat go?
Kids!
Hello!
Stand back. Whoa. Really?
HE GRUNTS
Cecil.
THEY GRUNT
DISTANT GRUNTS
CHILDREN: Help! Help us!
We're coming!
Are you all there?
We're all fine, Morn. We're not!
We're freezing and starving.
Come on.
Are you cold? Watch your feet.
Here you go.
You guys have outdone
yourself this time.
You're lucky.
Let's get you home!
Hot bath...
What are you doing here? You
don't get rid of me that easily.
So you won the case, honey.
That's incredible.
We won the case, but
Sir Simon's still here
because the prophecy
isn't fulfilled.
I don't know why.
Promise me you'll never
disappear like that again.
And my grandmother
can do her worst.
I'm going to tell Moppy,
just as soon as...
Tell me what? Cecil,
I am warning you...
Yeah, babe?
You're a terrific girl.
Kind and beautiful.
Any bloke would be
lucky to have you.
Except perhaps just...
not me.
Oh!
The last thing I
meant was to hurt you.
So, like...
the Wedding's off?
Yeah, well, maybe
it's for the best.
Right. Urn...
Well, I'm glad you
see it that way.
It is not for the best, Cecil.
You will have nothing.
They will have each other.
Oh, please don't say money
can't buy you happiness.
It can certainly make unhappiness
a whole lot more palatable.
And is that the
voice of experience?
Because for all your
wealth and status,
you don't strike me as happy.
And you're about to cast off the
one thing that can make you so,
which is family.
We will discuss
this later, Cecil.
Come, M°PPY!
Late rs!
You say you can't make
my dreams come true,
and you couldn't be more wrong.
Because from the moment I laid eyes
on you, I've dreamt of nothing else.
Marry me, Ginny.
And this time, I won't
take no for an answer.
I'm not getting up until you say
yes, even if that means I'm glued
to this spot for
the rest of my life.
Get up, you numpty.
Is that...?
British for yes.
Yes, I'll marry you. Yes!
You know, I've always felt
something about this place.
We're not Of tees.
We're Canterflfles.
We belong here.
Except now we have to leave.
We didn't even find the treasure.
I thought you wanted to go home.
If we're Cantervilles,
then we are home.
Poor Sir Simon. I suppose
we should Callan undertaker,
or maybe the police, as this
is technically a crime scene.
Oh... What's happening to him?
His finger...
Is he... pointing at something?
What? ls there something there?
Whoa!
No way! Wow!
This is what we've
been looking for!
We are here to discuss
the distribution
of the deceased's estate...
in the presence of
possible beneficiaries
and, rather unorthodoxly,
the deceased.
I had assumed after
the interment,
Sir Simon would have passed.
'Tis a mere issue technical in
the reading of the prophecy,
soon to be resolved.
Don't look at me.
Apparently, it's sub judice.
I see. Then, as
regards the estate,
hereby defined as the
proceeds of antique jewels
valued at approximately
£7 million sterling,
with the added complication
it was technically the stolen
property of Lord
Henry Canterville -
a legal minefield,
to put it mildly.
Well, it seems
simple enough to me.
The jewels are Canterville
heirlooms and belong to the family.
Well, I'm glad that's settled.
St john, we can leave Mrs Watkins
to sort out the paperwork.
Why does thou allow a
Fanshawe female to speak?
She is not a Canterville.
No, she isn't.
Sit down, Mother.
The deed of sale, as drawn up
by Mrs Watkins herself, stated
the buyer took ghost and
contents at valuation.
That is true.
Frank and Theo found it.
Maybe they should have it.
We could set up college funds.
It was all of us. We couldn't
have clone it on our own.
It's blood money.
Lovells want none of it.
Enough.
This sorry witterly filibuster.
Desist in thy
circuitous tiffery.
Am I not most senior
member of the family?
I proffer a solution.
THEY MUTTER
There.
Whoa! Oh, wow. Well,
how about that?
Look at that. How'd you
do it? That's amazing.
LAUGHTER, GASPS
Well clone!
If we're agreed on the amendments
to clauses 15 and 29, I can get
you a revised contract
over straight away.
If we install micro hydro turbines
into the river, we can significantly
reduce carbon emissions.
Hello, COLCorp? St john
Canterville speaking.
Can we do 500 units?
Yeah, we can do that.
Splendid! Thank you so much.
THEY CHUCKLE
Please be seated.
Should anyone present know
of any reason why this couple
should not be joined
in holy matrimony,
speak now, or forever
hold thy peace.
Oh, for goodness' sake,
man, get on with it!
WOOD CRACKS
What's that? What's happening?
It's beautiful. The two
houses have reunited.
Oh, wow. Cantervilles
and Lovells.
And henceforth, peace shall
come unto Canterville.
Thou hast opened for me...
the portals of death's house.
For love is always with you,
and love is stronger than death.
I thank thee.
Adieu.
Rest in peace, Sir Simon.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
That's a terrible decision.
With the greatest respect.
I think you're an idiot.
I'll bear that in mind.
I've already forgotten about it.
Correct, we're in
a bit of a pickle.
We're all going to die.
Very good, you're really
getting the hang of it.
Thank you, I've been practising.
Although your self-deprecation.
Needs some work.
THEY CHUCKLE
You need to be careful, Cecil,
or you'll over-exercise
that horse.
We're toast of the town.
The open-air opera,
garden party,
grouse shooting, which we'll
decline on conservational grounds.
And I've been asked
to give a talk
on Boston cuisine to
the Women's Institute.
And you've been asked if you'd like
to join the Village Darts League.
Hmm, would I?
Well, according to Mrs Umney,
it involves men hurling
pointed missiles at a target.
And what red-blooded male
wouldn't like it? Mm.
Although maybe not
one for the boys.
But it's nice they've
made friends, though,
and Ginny and Cecil Canterville
seem to get on well,
maybe a little too well.
Well, Ginny's got more sense than
to get involved with an engaged man.
Yeah, of course she does.
You know what, Hiram?
I feel we've turned a corner.
This place is starting
to feel like home.
You know...
we should hold a ball,
show them we're here to stay.
A ball?
Oh, it's English for
partying, you know,
it's dinner and dancing
and fancy dress.
Oh, when are you thinking?
Oh, Ch ristmas-time.
Like a snowball.
Theme - festive spirit.
Sure.
Is it not going well?
Teething problems.
Sweetie, you've already made
one fortune for this family,
that should be
enough for anyone.
Quieter.
Oh!
The clammer cleaves
my brain like a...
cleaver.
Faster,
but not so fast.
There.
This introspection is
bad for your performance.
These people are evidently
on a lowly material
plane of existence,
quite incapable of appreciating
the symbolic values
of sensuous phenomena.
I wilt not play before such
an unappreciative audience.
There is the small matter of
your contractual obligation
to appear once a week
and jibber from the
grand staircase.
Er...
Gaunt Gideon.
Tired cliche.
He's a classic, literally
a heart stopper.
I'll wager he could teach
those fellow cubs a lesson
they'll wish they could forget.
Um, I'll just leave
it here, then.
Hmm.
DOG BARKS
Here.
The plan should be inside this.
Oh!
Wait, they're the same.
No priest hole.
This isn't the master plan.
There has to be another one.
Wait.
The box is wrong.
The dimensions, it's
deep on the outside.
There has to be a
secret compartment.
It's a puzzle, right?
So there must be a key.
A key.
It's the key.
OTHERS: What?
This symbol means moon.
The moon. Press the moon.
Nothing.
Try all of them.
THEY LAUGH
SHE SIGHS
ls there a problem?
This machine is 70 years old
and, er, sometimes
needs a bit of a rest.
A minute usually does it.
Oh, look at you!
Mm.
HOOVER STARTS
How about that?
They don't make them like
that any more, Mrs Umney.
They certainly don't, sir.
Where's Cecil?
What's the matter, Moppy?
The wedding is off!
MOPPY-
What's the point of drawing
plans for a secret tunnel
and not showing how to get in?
In case they fall into
the wrong pair of hands.
But we mark somewhere.
We just have to find it.
So you keep saying,
what a waste of time.
ALL: Oh!
Sorry, I'll dry it, OK.
Stop, it's burning!
Now look what you've clone.
It's not burnt.
That's writing.
What is that?
"Patron.
The secret code of our people."
So what does it all mean?
BOTH: I have no idea.
The wedding, Cecil.
We have a situation.
Can we talk about
this in private?
Whatever for? This
concerns us all.
Prince Richard is making
a Commonwealth tour
and will be in the
Bahamas for the wedding.
That's, um...
"terrible.
You're telling me. The weather in the
Caribbean is filthy that time of year.
Mush, daddy!
The only reason Hello are coming is
on the condition that he's there.
No Prince Richard
equals no wedding.
It's not the end of the
world if we delay it.
Thankfully, there's
no need for that.
Quite the opposite, in fact.
Debbo has sorted everything.
I had a word with Carol Wales
and she was frightfully
understanding.
Found a window in their
diary for December.
And to apologise for
the inconvenience,
Dickie has offered to
give away the bride.
Suits me.
December is...
it's less than two months.
I know what you're thinking,
but it's all sorted.
Christmas trees
instead of flowers.
Carols from King's College Cambridge Choir
replace the Bedouin tents with ice igloos.
Midsummer Night's
Dream becomes...
Narnia.
Where did you get these?
In an old map we found.
Can you translate them?
These are letters.
M-C-L.
And this is the nut
of the four winds.
And this a cockerel feather.
What about the others?
The diamonds in the
wheel, I don't recognise.
Only that is the letterj.
Do you know what it means?
I know that it's
for you to find out.
CLOCK TICKS
Good evening, sir Simon.
Thou dost admire my portrait.
The Cantervilles have
always been blessed with
pulchritudinous visages.
Forgive me for saying,
but you haven't
aged at all well.
The undead age
like the living...
just a bit slower.
In time, the flesh
will drop from my body,
my repertoire reduced
to clanking bones,
and eventually, even they
will crumble to dust,
floating in limbo
for all eternity.
That's terrible.
Almost 500 years
I have not slept.
I'm so tired.
Sir Simon, may I ask
about Lady Eleanor?
Whatever for?
Ghastly woman.
Never had my ruff
starched properly
and knew nothing, nothing,
about cookery.
She died in 1576,
which is a year after
legend says you killed her.
Ginny?
Hi, honey. I thought
I heard voices.
Only me. Goodness,
it's cold in here.
DOOR OPENS
Beautiful, isn't it?
Sure is.
You know...
even if you haven't
found Simeon, Otis,
it doesn't mean you
don't belong here
or that you aren't
the same man...
an exceptional man who I
couldn't be more proud of.
Hiram.
Is there something else?
I'm ruined, Lucy.
Hiram Co over extended and
the bank called in the debt.
What?
Hiram, why didn't you tell me?
We were hoping for a
last-minute bailout.
I didn't want to worry
you until I was certain.
I've lost everything.
It's gone, Lucy.
The company, the
money, everything.
No, Hiram,
not everything.
Not anything that matters.
We've got our health...
each other, and we
have the children.
How do you think
they'll take it?
So does that mean we're leaving?
On the contrary.
The house is the only
thing the banks can't seize
because it doesn't
belong to the company.
But we are no longer rich.
You give us $20
a week allowance.
You can keep that.
Ancl the treasure,
that's if we find it.
Hey, that won't be necessary.
You know, we may not be rich,
but we aren't destitute.
I can get a job, Dad.
There's really no need.
You know, I'm
going back to work.
Remember, you know,
all this is temporary.
Your dad's working hard
on his new invention,
and if he can
invent one fortune,
hey, I'm sure he can
invent another one.
Darn right I can.
See th is, Den by.
The rich, vulgar
Americans are now
just vulgar Americans.
Indeed, Your Ladyship.
Let's see if the boy will
come to his senses now.
My dad was never cut
out for the boardroom.
Turns out the guy he left
in charge wasn't either.
Over expanded in Southeast Asia
just before the economic downturn.
Are you leaving?
The chase, it appears is the only
roof we have left over our heads.
I'm glad.
Not about...
I'm glad you aren't leaving.
Not when I've just
learned the language.
I need to tell you something...
about the wedding.
Can it wait?
I have to get back.
Come on, jim.
See you soon.
Oh! Stop making a mess.
Cockerel feather,
four winds M-C—L-j,
diamond, wheel of
clubs and two diamonds.
Can you turn that
darn thing off?
We're trying to think here.
We've been staring
at it for clays.
No, we need a different plan.
Have you got one?
Capture the ghost and don't release him until
he's told us where the priest's hole is.
Like we can catch a ghost.
We aren't Ghostbusters.
The ghost is made of atoms,
particles of matter like dust.
And how do we trap dust?
Sitronic technology. Exactly.
All we need to do is calculate
the mass and recalibrate.
Sweetie, did you know the Stilton
Canterville Wedding's been moved forward?
This December 18th now.
Why would that affect me?
Would you like some eggs, miss?
No, thank you, Mrs Umney.
I'm not very hungry.
I think I'll skip breakfast.
What's all that about?
Hiram, can you not see what's
going on right under your nose?
Mushrooms, sir.
Mm.
I take it you've heard?
What's it to do with me?
Virginia and I are just friends.
I am neither blind nor senile,
and I won't let you
risk this marriage.
This isn't just about you,
it's about the future
of this family.
Sounds more like a
merger than a marriage.
That's exactly what it is.
The British aristocracy are
becoming an endangered species.
Money and birthright no
longer go hand in hand.
If we are to survive,
we must stick together.
You have two choices, Cecil.
Mary Moppy Stilton...
or throw your lot in
with a penniless American
and become a pauper too.
I will cut you off
without a penny
and leave Fanshawe to
the National Trust.
So...
what's it to be?
MOPPY: Cecil!
Are you there? Coming!
I'm glad you've seen sense.
MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY
KNOCK ON DOOR
You OK, honey?
Sure. Why wouldn't I be?
Not riding today?
I don't feel like it.
Look, I don't want to interfere.
Mom, you always say that
right before you interfere.
When you have kids yourself you'll
realise it's in the job description.
And I couldn't help but notice that
you and Cecil have gotten close.
And maybe the wedding moving
forward is for the best.
Mom, I appreciate the concern,
but you're way off the mark.
Cecil and I are just friends,
and I couldn't be
happier for him.
Sure.
All I'm saying is I'm
here if you want to talk.
Actually, Mom, I've some work
in the library I need to do.
Dad's genealogy project.
Not exactly.
That's it right
there. Now tie it up.
Come on, it's heavy.
I'm trying. Then try harder.
Here goes.
All right.
EVIL LAUGH
"The most ignominious chapter
in this family's history.
Suffice said he was a wicked
man who killed his wife
and after stole the family's jewels
and fled as a thief in the night.
Once justice struck,
set upon by his wife's brothers
and bricked up alive
within his own walls
so he would never be shriven."
I'm guessing you've
tried giving it a rest.
She's at rest for good now, sir.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Never failed me
in over 50 years.
I suppose I shouldn't
get upset over a machine.
Oh, no, no, I know
exactly what you mean.
I mean, Bessie here,
she's part of the family.
You want me to take a look?
I know a thing or
two about vacuums,
bet there's life in
the old girl yet.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
So, tell me,
why all the interest
in Sir Simon?
His so-called legend is
full of inconsistencies.
It says he killed his wife,
but Lady Eleanor died in 1576.
Ancl here it says he was
murdered by his wife's brothers,
who at the time were
aged just 11 and 12.
Intriguing.
Sounds like you have a
cold case on your hands.
Unless he had another wife.
LOUD WHOOSHING
Aah.
Aah.
I am the Otis ghost.
The only true and
original spook.
Beware of imitations.
All others are counterfeits.
How dare thee!
Trespass upon Canterville!
On my path not.
Away ye!
EVIL LAUGH
No!
Oh!
Got you. What will
you do with it?
Analyse the mass atom ratio.
You can do that? We
know a man who can.
I was tricked.
Tricked, foiled and outwitted.
They defiled me,
I am mutilated.
Incomplete.
The haunter
has become the hunted.
HE HUMS
Darn it.
Hey, Dad. Hey, Dad. Hey, guys.
What do you need?
We just want to work out
the massed atom ratio.
Of what?
Oh, then you'll need to run
a de-formulation program me.
Can I ask what it is?
Just kid's stuff. We're trying
to make a new type of stink bomb.
Mm-hmm.
Well, this ought to do it.
That's the mass atom analyser.
You're welcome to use
it on one condition.
You tell me what
you're really doing.
Truth this time.
It's Sir Simon.
Sir Simon?
As in... The ghost.
Well, a sample of the many way...
We're trying to work out his mass
so we can make a ghost catcher.
Then we'll force him to tell us where
the Canterville treasure is buried.
Oh, you will?
Well, you got it
all figured out.
Be my guest.
EXCITED CHATTERING
How are you...?
Hmm.
Well, never mind.
WHIZZING
TICKER TAPE CLICKS
A human adult is made of
approximately octillion atoms.
However, part ghost here
comprises of just half that
and they appear to be lighter.
So he's like us.
Just less substantial.
Exactly. So what we really need
to do is recalibrate the cyclone
and we can suck them up.
How are we going to do that one,
Einstein? Sitronic technology, obviously.
Is this really necessary?
I wouldst not expect a
hedge-born fustilarian
to appreciate the nuances of
an understated performance,
and there is a great deal to
be said for this invention.
I'm sorry it's not better news.
Every internal part
would need replacing,
so while she'd look the
same on the outside,
inside, there'd be nothing
left of the original.
I don't think she'd
like that, sir.
Neither do I, Mrs Umney.
I appreciate you trying,
but all good things
come to an end.
Not necessarily.
Some good things
should be preserved,
which is why
I like you to talk to this guy.
Dr Leonard Glanville,
curator of the Museum of
Domestic Science in Detroit.
I hope you don't mind, but
it's rare to find an item
like this in such
well-maintained condition.
And with your agreement,
he'd like to acquire her.
There's a museum of
domestic science?
Americans have a
museum for everything.
Well, you can see for
yourself if you say yes.
She'll be preserved and put
on display for all to admire,
which seems much more
fitting than a scrapheap.
Indeed it does, sir.
SAD VIOLIN MUSIC
Oooh!
Fibber, 'fibber,
'fibber, 'fibber.
I'm not sure they can
hear you with the bag.
Oh!
♪ Hail the heaven-born
Prince of Peace
♪ Hail the Son of Righteousness
♪ Light and life
to all He brings
♪ Risen with
healing in His wings
♪ Mild He lays His glory by
♪ Born that we no more may die
♪ Born to raise...♪.
Season's greetings.
Henry jaundice, Attorney at Law.
Janice Reynolds Insolvency
Litigation Specialists,
London Office.
It was good of you to come
all this way, Mr jaundice.
There are a lot of
documents for signature,
so it was thought best
to send someone to
witness them in person.
And, as it transpires,
a delightful interlude.
What a magnificent abode,
it's like stepping back in time.
You don't know the half of it.
♪ ..And a partridge
in a pear tree
♪ On the third day of Christmas
♪ My true love sent to me
♪ Three French hens
♪ Two turtle doves
♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree... ♪
Slow down.
♪ On the fourth day of Christmas
♪ My true love sent to me
♪ Four calling birds
♪ Three French hens
♪ Two turtle doves
♪ And a partridge in... ♪
But there's been a mistake here.
Chase is our family home,
so therefore exempt.
Oh, yes, an anomaly was spotted.
♪ ..Five gold rings... ♪
Mm-mm!
Oh, this is excellent.
Imperial jasmine
Oolong from the...
Wuyi mountains, if I'm correct.
Thank you, I don't really...
What kind of anomaly?
The Chase was purchased
with company funds
and only later
transferred to the family,
rendering it liable to be seized
by the company creditors.
Did you not receive notification
from your legal team?
The communications around
here are rather erratic.
There must be
something we can do.
Some legal loophole.
I'm afraid not.
It's all there,
signed and notarised.
Rather annoying, I expect.
Rather.
♪ Five gold rings! ♪
Marvellous!
I was in an a cappella group
at Corpus Christi
Rat Bite Choir.
Those were the clays.
Anyway, I won't
stay in your hair.
I can see you're hard at work
at a veritable explosion
of Yuletide festivities.
♪ Five gold rings! ♪
Excellent.
It only remains for me to wish
you a very Merry Christmas.
Where will we live?
Your grandparents'
cottage in Maine.
They've said we can stay there
just till we get back on our feet.
I can't tell you how sorry I am.
I've let you all down.
It's OK, Dad.
It's not like I have
any reason to stay.
Er, we do.
We're this close to finding
the cannibal treasure.
So when do we leave?
We got till Christmas.
Well, the hall's
already paid for.
So if we're going,
we'll go out with a bang
and we'll throw the best
ball this county's ever seen.
Right, kids?
I suppose you've heard the news.
The Chase is up for sale
and the Americans are leaving.
Shame.
Hiram Otis is a top chap.
It's not like they
ever fitted in.
No doubt they'll be missed.
Where are you off
to in such a hurry?
Riding.
I think Magnus
needs the exercise.
You're leaving?
So it seems.
I'm sorry, I...
Don't be. It's not like I
have any reason to stay.
What if you did?
Have a reason to stay?
That would depend on the reason.
'N.
I'll sort this out.
Just promise me you won't go.
Please say something.
I'm translating.
I promise.
I'll see you at the ball
tomorrow night, we'll talk then.
They are leaving.
I have frightened them away?
Not exactly.
This is for you.
What is it?
A ball on the night of the
anniversary of my death.
Theme -
Festive Spirit.
They are holding a
celebration in mine hon our.
This I must attend.
Ancl risk running into the
body-stealing hell-child is?
Oh, then a discreet attendance.
I shalt...
mingle unrecognised
in plain sight.
This news is
positively restorative.
I feel like a new ghost.
I never meant it to happen
or to hurt you.
You're a terrific girl.
Kind and beautiful.
Except perhaps just...
not for me.
I'm so sorry.
Lady Deborah is waiting
in the car, Master Cecil.
Coming.
♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out
♪ On the feast of Stephen
♪ When the snow lay round about
♪ Deep and crisp and even... ♪
I'm so sorry we were late.
I'll get ready.
Very festive, you have made
an effort. Well, you too.
Welcome, so glad
you could make it.
Sorry to hear you're selling up.
Oh, thank you. I'm
sorry we're going.
I'll come find you.
Yes, such a shame you're going.
But at least you'll be
able to attend the wedding.
Welcome, so glad
you could make it.
Oh, you need to be on
duty tonight, Mrs Umney.
You're here to enjoy yourself.
Who is it you've come as?
Mrs Danvers.
Rebecca is my favourite novel.
Oh, of course.
Judith Anderson.
The only version Daphne du
Maurier would have approved of
in my humble opinion.
Humble or not, it is an
opinion I admit to sharing.
Sorry.
You, er...
You dropped this.
Thank you.
♪ It's the most wonderful
time of the year
♪ With the kids jingle belling
♪ And everyone telling
♪ You be of good cheer... ♪
Can I have a word? Something
I'd like to run by.
OK, sure.
♪ Of the ye-e-ear
♪ It's the hap, happiest season
♪ Of all
♪ With those holiday greetings
♪ And gay, happy meetings...'
My Ladyship.
Such an assemblage.
Adorus in mine hon our.
I'm almost humbled.
Oh!
Your pardon, madam.
See, Cesspit, my
heart is sooth-ed
to see Canterville once more,
filled with such
genteel companies.
To your left.
Cheery-bye, I'm off.
Perhaps I should peruse
from a less public place.
DOG GROWLS Hey, boy,
What's the matter with him?
He can smell ghost.
DOG BARKS
That lady must have touched him.
DOG BARKS
DOG GROWLS
DOG YELPS
Let's go.
Listen, I know what
the score is on Cecil,
and I may be a dunce, but he is my
best friend, and I know him, you see.
I... Wait, hear me out.
What I'm saying is...
| don't mind being
his leftovers.
Rather used to it, in fact.
And as for money, no object
as it would take an act of Parliament
for my father to disinherit me.
Are you...?
Is this a proposal?
I wouldn't tie you down.
Whack out an heir and a spare and
then you're free to do your own thing.
And I think we'd rub along
quite nicely, so what...?
What do you... what do you say?
Rafe,
can you take off the sunglasses?
Yeah, sure, of course, yeah.
Rafe, you're...
a great gm!-
You don't need to be
anyone's leftovers,
because one clay you'll find
a woman who deserves you.
Just promise me that before then
you'll work on your
proposal speech.
Roger that.
THEY LAUGH
Still isn't a no, is it?
♪ ..a great big smile
on somebody's face... ♪
He must have gone up. Everyone
know what you're doing?
Go, go, go'
DOG BARKS
♪ Don't you lock your doors
♪ You know that sweet
Santa Claus is on the way
♪ Well, I wish it could
be Christmas every day
♪ When the kids start singing
and the band begins to play... ♪
You look wonderful, my clear.
Quite like you're
going into battle.
Prize being Prince Charming?
But remember, clear,
Joan of Arc was burnt.
Ancl this isn't a fairy tale.
There will be no happy
ever after for Cecil
if he makes an unsuitable match.
I will disinherit him and all his grand
plans for Fanshawe will come to nothing.
You would force him to marry
a woman he doesn't love.
Love is...
such a lower-class concept.
You imagine it shines so
bright it will conquer all.
Trust me, the lust will fade
when you're in social housing,
wondering how to pay
the electricity bill.
You're wrong.
Cecil doesn't care
about any of that.
He loves me.
I'm sure he does.
The question is,
without all this,
can he love himself?
Sometimes, my dear, the
greatest act of love
is to let go.
♪ Why don't you give your love
♪ For Christmas. ♪
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Alone at last.
So I've been trying to
get away all evening.
Listen, I haven't had the
chance to tell Moppy yet.
Good. Don't.
What?
Why?
It would be a mistake.
We were a mistake
that got out of hand.
It's not too late to put it right.
I don't want to put it right.
I want you.
Ancl lose Fanshawe?
You've been talking
to my grandmother.
You mustn't listen to her.
I can't be the
woman of your dreams
because I can't make
your dreams come true.
There he is!
DOG BARKS
NOW!
Aarghg
White sorcery...
is this!
Oh, I demonish...
Keep going, it's working.
Oh!
Help me!
Oh!
Take that!
WOMAN: Must be a
trick or something.
APPLAUSE
Well clone!
We'll talk about this later.
Blow me over if it didn't work.
How did you do it?
Adhesive vapour in a cylinder.
You don't say.
It would have worked too,
if not for that darn rat.
He's probably gone
to ground by now.
At least we know
it works next time.
May not be a next
time, we're leaving.
Yeah, you're right.
This is our leaving party.
So let's go back in there, eat,
dance and have a good time.
Yes.
Hey, you coming?
Four winds and a cockerel
and look at the wind spinner.
What about it?
It should be spinning,
especially in a wind like this.
It's pointing
towards the chapel.
I'm sorry about my brothers,
but if it's any consolation,
we're leaving soon.
Thou art grief stricken,
but canst console thyself.
Even if she is a Fanshawe,
she didst speak the truth.
The sign of the House of Canterville
aligned with a penniless colonial
past child-bearing
years is unthinkable.
But if be true and thine
hearts lie entwined,
then nought can prevent him from
taking thee as his mistress.
Thank you for the
consolation, Sir Simon,
but I've had the Cantervilles
up to here for one night.
Virginia, look...
Rafe, please.
Not now I have to
go. Hear me out.
I heard what you said, and
I've given it a rethink.
No, no, no, no, really.
I've re-thought the whole
thing, it's much improved, um...
I should probably have a ring
for this but you could...
We... You can just pretend.
Virginia Otis, you are
a goddess amongst...
amongst all the other girls.
Would you do me the hon our?
Desist from spewing
forth unwanted attentions
upon this maiden,
or I shall rip out thy
filthy mouth from thy body.
Submit or thou diest, Knave.
Submit, submit.
Thank you.
A trifle.
The Stiltons have always
over exalted themselves
and their womenfolk
resemble horses.
I like horses.
HE LAUGHS
There, You see, thou
canst forget that grief.
It's your interlude.
'N.
I fool myself.
The pain of lost
love never healeth.
It is almost 500 years
from the day my love died.
The pain doth grow sharper...
with every hour that passes.
Sir Simon...
did you have another wife?
LUTE MUSIC PLAYS
Ethelinda.
You had a son?
I didst kill them both.
Ancl I am cursed to the torture
of limbo for mine actions.
But that was nearly
half a millennium
and whatever your crime
the accused shall enjoy the right
to a speedy and public trial.
The Sixth Amendment
as enshrined in the
US Constitution.
Your words are meaningless.
I guess...
| guess what I'm saying is,
if you still want me,
I'll plead your case
before the Angel of Death.
Thou didst declare
thyself unworthy.
You can't just sit back and watch
a clear miscarriage of justice.
Every crime has mitigation.
And given you've shown remorse,
and taking into
account time spent
on remand in limbo,
I'd say we had a chance.
Thou wouldst do this for me?
What are we looking for?
I have no idea.
Let's hope we know
when we find it.
The fourth dimension.
Fraught with danger
and ne'er for the faint hearted.
I'm not afraid.
Who is that?
Counsel for the prosecution.
They call him the great orator
because he never loses a case.
I'd wish you luck,
but would be wasting my breath,
metaphorically speaking.
Where were you at the bar?
I'm not.
I haven't graduated yet.
In that case, I
wish you a miracle.
All rise.
All rise for the right hon
our able Angel of Death.
Your Honour...
You will address me as my Lord.
My Lord, I would like to
ask for an adjournment.
SHOCKED MUTTERING
Counsels, approach the bench.
I've not had an opportunity
to review the evidence files.
Defence counsel is
extant, My Lord.
This is most unorthodox.
There are prophecy
conditions in place, my Lord.
All the evidence will be
duly presented in court
and given the case has already taken
half a millennium to get to trial,
I myself would like to
get out of here in time
for a decent lunch!
MUTTERINGS OF AGREEMENT
Bring in the defendant.
Simon de Canterville,
you are charged with
entrapment to marriage,
theft, and wilfully causing the
death of your wife and child.
How do you plead?
CHAINS RATTLE
For mercy.
♪ I thought love was only
true in fairy tales... ♪
Theo is onto something.
How about that? Chip
off the old block.
Mrs Otis, have you seen Ginny?
No, not since the
twins' performance.
If you see her,
will you tell her...
tell her I'm looking
for her. Sure.
♪ ..Till I saw her face
♪ Now I'm a believer... ♪
Something's happened
between Cecil and Ginny.
9.89 mils of adhesive to...
Go, you know you want to,
before Mrs Umney catches you
writing on her best damask.
I love you.
I won't be long.
♪ I thought love was
only true in fairy-tales
♪ Meant for someone
else but not for me... ♪
Would you like to dance?
Yeah.
♪ ..when all you
get it pain... ♪
The prosecution
calls Peter Lovell.
For the record, please state
your occupation in 1575.
Architect and master builder.
And father...
to sons Murgo and Dicken
and a daughter, Ethelinda.
For the record, Mr Lovell's sons
are currently serving
a 1,000-year sentence
in the Garden of Unrest
for the murder of the defendant.
In 1570, you were engaged
by Lorcl Henry Canterville
for the design and
construction of the great wing.
Yes. How did you feel when you
discovered your daughter's romance
with your employer's
son and heir?
What do you think?
Romani and Georges have
no union with one another.
Despite your objections, you
allowed the couple to be handfasted,
a form of marriage in which
the hands are tied together
denoting the binding
of two lives.
It sounds highly impractical.
I believe the ties are removed
after the ceremony, my Lord.
Crucially, the
marriage was morganatic
and unrecognised in English law.
English laws are not
recognised by us.
The witness will confine himself
to answering the questions.
Ancl yet the defendant
broke his vow,
defaulted from the contract...
and married another...
this time a marriage
recognised in English law
and in doing so denied
the existence of his union
with Ethelinda Lovell.
Ancl what were the
repercussions of this perfidy?
She was dishonoured.
Marime, which incurs
the ultimate sanction
expulsion from the community.
There is no greater punishment.
Other than death, perhaps.
No further questions.
Mr Lovell...
CLEARS THROAT
Mr Lovell,
the Romani frown upon
alliances with non-Romani.
And yet you allowed such
a union to take place?
I bowed to the inevitable.
They were air and fire.
There was no keeping them apart.
Thank you, Mr Lovell.
No further questions.
The prosecution calls
Lord Henry Canterville.
Can you describe to the court
what the defendant
was like growing up?
Objection. My client's childhood
behaviour has no bearing on this case.
Denied.
Oh!
He was the youngest
of twin sons.
The runt of the litter, a
fractious and sickly child.
Whereas his brother was everything
one could wish for in a son.
Fairer face and disposition.
Athletic and a scholar.
When they were both
afflicted with ague,
we expected the weakest to die.
That the superior
son was taken...
broke his parents' hearts.
A disappointment then.
Grievously so.
Foppish and a dreamer,
prone to irrational
outbursts of sentiment.
We always expected he
would come to nothing.
Fears, members of the
jury, which became founded.
What did you do
when you discovered
your son had formed...
an alliance with
Ethelinda Lovell?
We forbade it and found
him a suitable match.
This would be Lady
Eleanor Fanshawe,
daughter of the third
Earl of Fanshawe,
and one of the most desirable
matches in the land.
Ancl your son agreed
to this match?
That'll be the ruination
of the family name.
Thank you, my Lord.
No further questions.
Lord Henry, did
you love your son?
Am I expected to answer that?
If you can indulge my learned
friend on this occasion.
I did my duty.
He was fed and clothed and
given the finest education
and found a suitable wife.
A woman he didn't love.
But what relevance is this?
My Lord, I'm afraid
I must intervene.
This isn't a colloquy
on the nature of
romantic attachment.
LAUGHTER
No further questions.
Evidence of the fateful
events will be presented
on historical monitor
so the jury can form
their own conclusions
as to the black-hearted
nature of the defendant.
Ethelinda Lovell took
refuge in the woods,
living off the
land for survival.
But as winter came,
such a way of survival
became untenable.
I draw your
attention to the fact
that this was the coldest
recorded winter in 200 years.
Shunned by her people,
and out of options,
the desperate woman made her way
through a freezing blizzard
to seek shelter from
the only one who could help her.
Admit her!
Anyone who does shall
earn a whipping.
She has the nerve
to show her face!
She will perish
along with my son!
He's a Canterville!
It isn't mine, though.
You have the effrontery
to speak of it
when your wife stands here
with a true heir of
Canterville in her belly.
Guards! No!
Dost come from him
so this is finished
once and for all.
Speak.
Or go down in history as a disgrace
to the House of Canterville.
Close the gates.
No!
No!
No!
ETHEUND A SCREAMS
On the 4th of December 1575,
Ethelinda Lovell froze to death.
Her baby son carried
off and devoured...
by wild animals.
Ancl there we have it,
members of the jury
Here rests the case
for the prosecution.
Excellent.
Time for a cup of tea
and maybe a slice
of walnut cake.
All rise!
Whoa, let's look around.
Keep your eyes peeled
for a priest hole.
What does the next symbol mean?
Um...
six of clubs who bring you hope,
make three knots
in a piece of rope.
Look.
What are you doing?
Working out where
the ghost got in.
11,12,13,
14,15.
The tapestry was
right up there, so...
OK, head lamps off.
Ultraviolet lamps on.
I got him.
This just solid stone.
You can't go
through solid stone.
There must be
something behind here.
The defence calls Jeremiah
Otis to the stand.
Please state your name
and occupation in 1575.
Jeremiah Otis.
CLEARS THROAT
Poacher.
Father to nine children,
the youngest of whom
was Simeon Otis,
1575 to 1655.
Yeah. On the 4th
of December 1575,
you were fined one
shilling for poaching
at Canterville Assizes Court...
Objection, my lord.
The witness has already answered
for his earthly transgressions.
I will rephrase. Mr Otis,
after leaving the assises court,
can you describe your route home?
I would be through the woods.
This is a map of
the area in 1575.
This route would have
taken Mr Otis past the spot
where Ethelinda
Lovell was found dead.
GAS PS
Mr Otis, eight of
your nine children
are recorded in the
parish birth records,
the exception being
the youngest, Simeon.
I put it to you, this is because
he wasn't your biological son,
your natural son,
that he is, in fact, the son of
Sir Simon de Canterville
and Ethelinda Lovells.
GAS PS
MUTTERING
Order, order!
Mr Otis...
Poor lamb was near
death when I found her.
Her last words were...
My baby.
So...
BABY CRI ES
Scrap was blue with
cold and half dead.
So I took him home to the wife.
Fearsomely fond of
the bairn she was.
We already had eight, so one
more didn't make a difference.
On|_y..-
we changed his name to Simeon.
It means God has heard...
our little miracle, he was.
Members of the jury,
Simeon Otis grew to adulthood
and in 1620 emigrated
to the New World,
where he founded a dynasty
who survive to this day.
I move that the charge of
infanticide be dismissed.
GAS PS
Sustained.
Order, order!
The defence calls Murgo and
Dicken Lovell to the stand.
WHISPERING
You and your brother were
on a team of builders
working at Canterville Chase when
your sister arrived to seek shelter.
Close the gates.
No!
No!
ETHEUND A SCREAMS
We saw him send
her to her death.
And neglected to go to her aid?
She was marime.
It was forbidden.
So we avenged her.
By abducting and
murdering the defendant.
Objection. The witnesses are already
serving sentences for their crimes
and are not on trial here.
Sustained.
According to your statements,
when you apprehended Sir Simon,
he was carrying a bag of jewels.
We didn't steal them.
Lovells aren't thieves.
We left them hidden
with rotten bones.
So no Canterville
could ever find them.
Objection.
The witnesses are not
the ones on trial here.
Withdrawn.
You abducted the defendant
in the sunken garden.
Am I right in saying this
is the most direct route
from the house to the stables?
Yes.
No further questions.
The defence calls Sir
Simon de Canterville.
The defence calls, Sir
Simon de Canterville.
CHAINS CLINK
You reside at Canterville
Chase, England,
where you are currently
Ghost in Residence?
I am generally consider-ed
the Premier Ghost
in British Isles.
Ooh!
If I may bring you
back to the events
on the 4th of December, 1575.
Specifically, what happened
immediately after you gave the orders
to turn Ethelinda
Lovell from the gates?
My father didst order
all to their chambers
to prepareth for dinner.
It was not worthy
to prepare for.
The cooks did ruin everything
clue to my wife's instructions.
She was a woman who didst truly
know not of cookery.
I mean, immediately after you
gave the order to close the gates.
Hmm.
Did you regret the order?
Three words to my damnation
before they passed my lips.
You didn't go to your chamber
as your father instructed. Huh.
You went to the Treasury where you
stole a number of family jewels.
I prefer borrowest.
They wouldst have come to
me upon my father's death.
What did you do after you
"borrowed" the jewels?
I didst go to settle the horse.
You were going after Ethelinda?
Hmm.
For the benefit of the jury,
can you explain your plan?
To find her, sell the jewels
and purchase a passage for us
to the New World where we
couldst maketh a life together.
So it was your
intention to atone?
It was not to go hunt
boar in a blizzard.
What were your thoughts on
realising your predicament?
That I deserved...
no less.
Help!
Help!
Help meg
No further questions.
You say you lamented the deed
before the words left your lips.
Yet your attitude,
if you will forgive me...
hardly comes over
as one of regret.
Indeed, if lament after the
deed were a defence, then...
his Lord and I would
both be out of a job.
GIGGLING
No further questions.
For the benefit of the
jury, the defendant is bound
by the conditions of a curse.
Can you explain
these conditions?
I canst not weep for my
sins, for I have no tears,
nor pray for my soul,
for I have no faith.
For the record, the defendant
has been lamenting for his sins
for 446 years.
That is 162,790 days,
or three million,
900,006
and 960 hours.
Has he not lamented enough?
Here rests the case
for the defence.
The defendant claims
he regretted his
deed after a lifetime
of showing no regret.
No regret when he abandoned
Ethelinda Lovell for a woman
for a woman of his own class.
No regret when
she was banished
from her community.
No regret when he
cast her out in a blizzard
to her certain death.
No regret, members of the jury.
No regret.
Until after the event,
which I don't need
to remind you,
is not a defence...
thus rendering him
undeserving of
this court's mercy.
You see before you a man
guilty of many crimes.
Oath breaking,
moral cowardice,
theft.
A man who, by his own admission,
caused the death of his wife.
A man the prosecution
claims showed no regret.
I show you a man who regretted that
decision as the words left his mouth.
Prepared to defy his family
and outlaw himself to
atone for his wrongs,
wrongs that condemned
him to limbo,
denied divine justice,
truly a fate worse than death.
This is a court of mercy.
I direct you to the mercy
shown by Ethelinda Lovell
to the defendant.
In her dying words she named
her son after his father.
Certain proof she forgave
him before she died.
If she can forgive,
then so must you.
Will the foreperson please rise?
On the charges, how
did the jury find?
Mercy or no mercy?
Mercy.
APPLAUSE
Court at ease.
The court is still sitting.
GAVEL BAN GS
Order!
WHOOSHING
Simon de Canterville,
you have been deemed worthy
of mercy by the jury.
Given mitigation
and time served in limbo
I sentence you
to repose in the Garden of Rest.
I thank thee.
BIRDS TWEET
Ooh.
It appears the curse
remains in place
clue to an outstanding
prophecy condition.
My Lord, I believe the conditions
of the prophecy were all fulfilled.
Curses and prophecies are not
within this Court's jurisdiction.
Therefore, I have no option
other than to return the prisoner
to his earthly limbo...
until the conditions are met.
Sir Simon?
Sir Simon?
Sir Simon.
If there is a priest hole behind
here, then how does it open?
Eyes front, eyes spread out.
You go right, we'll go left.
Now what?
Behind you.
Three knots in a
piece of... Wait.
Help me.
Let me try.
CRENQNG
THEY GIGGLE
Good to see you.
No luck?
I can't find her and no-one
else has seen her since
the kids bushwhacked the ghost.
Patience?
Jonathan?
Time to go home.
Where are the twins?
I don't understand.
Haven't all the conditions of
the prophecy been fulfilled?
Sorry, I failed you.
Sir Simon?
Are you there?
If you can hear me,
please hurry back.
I need your help.
"Woe to the wicked.
It will go badly with him
for what he deserves
will be done to him."
This is it.
The priest hole's
around here somewhere.
What are we looking for?
"A spider spinning on the wall means
he'll be brave and strong and tall."
Plenty of real
spiders, for sure,
but I don't see the mechanism.
There.
SQUEAKING
STONE GRINDS
Am I glad to see you.
How did you find me?
We were looking for the ghost.
How the heck did
you get in here?
It's a long story.
Is that Sir Simon?
Yes.
Then where's the treasure?
We don't need the treasure.
We need to get out of here.
SQUEAKING
Now, No worries.
We'll get out the
same way Ginny got in.
How did you get in?
BOyg!
Ginny!
Ginny! Boys, where are you?!
SHOUTING
Children, where are you?
Ginny!
So Sir Simon's our great, great,
great-something-grandfather?
And our great, great-aunt
was your great, great,
great-grandmother,
which makes us...
great, great, great...
That's 14 cousins
once removed. Yes.
That's just weird.
It's destiny.
Where's Sir Simon now?
I guess he's on his way back
from the fourth dimension.
Nine hours, two sets of twins.
13, and our daughter's 22.
Yeah, I realise she's an adult,
but even so, there's
absolutely no reason for that.
They have found
the priest's hole.
It's been hidden for centuries.
What chance do we have?
You look a bit worse for wear.
Soothes, though, if...
Oh, I've been scattered to
the fourth dimension and back.
Come closer for I am weak.
What's he doing?
Talking.
That's Cesspit. He's
Sir Simon's familiar.
I don't care if they are family.
You would send me to the domain of
the hag with the broom of death.
If she splays my gizzard on
sight, on your head be it.
MOUSE TWEETS
They say someone will
be on the way shortly.
They'll freeze to
death before shortly.
They told me what
they were up to.
Too darn caught up in my
own problems as usual.
I should never have
brought us here.
You weren't to know
they be so clever, sir.
Aarghg
It's only a rat.
It's a filthy, filthy rat!
In my kitchen!
Stop, stop, Mrs Umney!
Look at its eyes.
It's trying to
tell us something.
Come out.
We won't hurt you.
I won't count on it.
What do you want?
It wants us to follow.
No, we've already searched in
here. Then we'll search it again.
Hey, look, over here.
Where's he gone? Where'd he go?
You think they're behind here?
Don't know, he was there.
It's solid. At least two
feet of brick, I reckon.
Then where did the rat go?
Kids!
Hello!
Stand back. Whoa. Really?
HE GRUNTS
Cecil.
THEY GRUNT
DISTANT GRUNTS
CHILDREN: Help! Help us!
We're coming!
Are you all there?
We're all fine, Morn. We're not!
We're freezing and starving.
Come on.
Are you cold? Watch your feet.
Here you go.
You guys have outdone
yourself this time.
You're lucky.
Let's get you home!
Hot bath...
What are you doing here? You
don't get rid of me that easily.
So you won the case, honey.
That's incredible.
We won the case, but
Sir Simon's still here
because the prophecy
isn't fulfilled.
I don't know why.
Promise me you'll never
disappear like that again.
And my grandmother
can do her worst.
I'm going to tell Moppy,
just as soon as...
Tell me what? Cecil,
I am warning you...
Yeah, babe?
You're a terrific girl.
Kind and beautiful.
Any bloke would be
lucky to have you.
Except perhaps just...
not me.
Oh!
The last thing I
meant was to hurt you.
So, like...
the Wedding's off?
Yeah, well, maybe
it's for the best.
Right. Urn...
Well, I'm glad you
see it that way.
It is not for the best, Cecil.
You will have nothing.
They will have each other.
Oh, please don't say money
can't buy you happiness.
It can certainly make unhappiness
a whole lot more palatable.
And is that the
voice of experience?
Because for all your
wealth and status,
you don't strike me as happy.
And you're about to cast off the
one thing that can make you so,
which is family.
We will discuss
this later, Cecil.
Come, M°PPY!
Late rs!
You say you can't make
my dreams come true,
and you couldn't be more wrong.
Because from the moment I laid eyes
on you, I've dreamt of nothing else.
Marry me, Ginny.
And this time, I won't
take no for an answer.
I'm not getting up until you say
yes, even if that means I'm glued
to this spot for
the rest of my life.
Get up, you numpty.
Is that...?
British for yes.
Yes, I'll marry you. Yes!
You know, I've always felt
something about this place.
We're not Of tees.
We're Canterflfles.
We belong here.
Except now we have to leave.
We didn't even find the treasure.
I thought you wanted to go home.
If we're Cantervilles,
then we are home.
Poor Sir Simon. I suppose
we should Callan undertaker,
or maybe the police, as this
is technically a crime scene.
Oh... What's happening to him?
His finger...
Is he... pointing at something?
What? ls there something there?
Whoa!
No way! Wow!
This is what we've
been looking for!
We are here to discuss
the distribution
of the deceased's estate...
in the presence of
possible beneficiaries
and, rather unorthodoxly,
the deceased.
I had assumed after
the interment,
Sir Simon would have passed.
'Tis a mere issue technical in
the reading of the prophecy,
soon to be resolved.
Don't look at me.
Apparently, it's sub judice.
I see. Then, as
regards the estate,
hereby defined as the
proceeds of antique jewels
valued at approximately
£7 million sterling,
with the added complication
it was technically the stolen
property of Lord
Henry Canterville -
a legal minefield,
to put it mildly.
Well, it seems
simple enough to me.
The jewels are Canterville
heirlooms and belong to the family.
Well, I'm glad that's settled.
St john, we can leave Mrs Watkins
to sort out the paperwork.
Why does thou allow a
Fanshawe female to speak?
She is not a Canterville.
No, she isn't.
Sit down, Mother.
The deed of sale, as drawn up
by Mrs Watkins herself, stated
the buyer took ghost and
contents at valuation.
That is true.
Frank and Theo found it.
Maybe they should have it.
We could set up college funds.
It was all of us. We couldn't
have clone it on our own.
It's blood money.
Lovells want none of it.
Enough.
This sorry witterly filibuster.
Desist in thy
circuitous tiffery.
Am I not most senior
member of the family?
I proffer a solution.
THEY MUTTER
There.
Whoa! Oh, wow. Well,
how about that?
Look at that. How'd you
do it? That's amazing.
LAUGHTER, GASPS
Well clone!
If we're agreed on the amendments
to clauses 15 and 29, I can get
you a revised contract
over straight away.
If we install micro hydro turbines
into the river, we can significantly
reduce carbon emissions.
Hello, COLCorp? St john
Canterville speaking.
Can we do 500 units?
Yeah, we can do that.
Splendid! Thank you so much.
THEY CHUCKLE
Please be seated.
Should anyone present know
of any reason why this couple
should not be joined
in holy matrimony,
speak now, or forever
hold thy peace.
Oh, for goodness' sake,
man, get on with it!
WOOD CRACKS
What's that? What's happening?
It's beautiful. The two
houses have reunited.
Oh, wow. Cantervilles
and Lovells.
And henceforth, peace shall
come unto Canterville.
Thou hast opened for me...
the portals of death's house.
For love is always with you,
and love is stronger than death.
I thank thee.
Adieu.
Rest in peace, Sir Simon.
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