The Bradshaw Bunch (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Three Daughters, Three Problems - full transcript

- Hello, America. TB here.

I just...

Ooh!

- You're my granddaughter.
We're a team here, you and I.

- I thought you were
a superstar.

- I don't... I don't catch.
Get it?

I throw.

You know that Pappy won four
Super Bowls and never lost?

4 and O.

- I'm not impressed.

That's right, I caught it.



Hello, America, TB here,

and welcome to my home.

I think you're gonna like it.
How's that?

- I'm here too.
- And what?

Hey, this is my scene.

You know me.

A four-time winning
Super Bowl quarterback,

and an award-winning
NFL broadcaster.

I know, you're used to
seeing me dress like this,

but back on the farm,
life is simple,

just like this.

Now that's more like it.

- Oh!
- Oh my!

- Wha!



- Get the chicken!

- We live out here on this
beautiful 800-acre ranch

here in Thackerville, Oklahoma.

We have over 200 head of horses,

152 head of registered
angus cattle,

and then there's Snoop Donk.

- This is not the Kardashians.

This is my beautiful wife,
Tammy.

Say hi, Tammy. - Hi, Tammy.

Oh, no, Tammy!

- I love pranking Terry.

- You're gonna kill me.

- Boo!
- Aah!

- We've got
three beautiful girls.

- Smart, beautiful girls.

- First, we got Rachel.

- Hi, I'm Rachel Bradshaw,

and I'm Terry's oldest daughter.

I might be a Bradshaw,

but give me the city
over the farm any day.

Being the daughter
of Terry Bradshaw,

football god, has its perks,

but I don't know, at the end
of the day, he's just Dad.

I was living in Nashville
pursuing a career in music,

but now I'm pursuing
a career in real estate.

- And then there's Lacey.

- Hi, I'm Lacey.
I'm the middle child.

This is my crazy family.
My husband Noah.

This guy, whose clearly had
too much sugar, Jeb,

and sweet Zurie.

This is not...

- Now Lacey is Tammy's daughter,

but I call her daughter.
Never even questioned it.

She is our daughter.

- I've been in
the Bradshaw family

since, I think I was, like, 11,

but Terry's always treated me
like his own.

In fact, he calls me the son
he's never had.

I think because
we both love sports.

We have that in common.

- And then there's the baby,
and that's Erin.

- I'm Erin Bradshaw.
I'm the youngest of the family.

And this is my husband Scott.

That's very southern.

I love it. - Yeah.

- You look great.
- I know.

Scott and I, we breed and train

paint and quarter
pleasure horses,

and we're probably, like,

20 minutes from Dad's,
so not far.

I'm the only daughter that

shares the relationship
with horses with my dad.

It's something that him and I
have done together

for a really long time,
and it's what bonds us.

- And who taught you
how to throw?

I did. Terry Bradshaw,

the icon, Hall of Famer,

quarterback,
Pittsburgh Steelers.

Got it?

Zurie, I may be a sports icon,

but that doesn't keep me
from having problems.

I got three girls, which
means I have three problems.

I gotta get Lacey, your mom,
into moving to Texas,

so we all can be together.

I gotta help Rachel
with her business

as she starting over,

and my problem with Erin is,
she's had a little procedure,

and she hasn't told me about it.

Quite honestly,
it's driving me crazy.

- Man, you got a lot
of problems, Pappy.

- You're gonna free range
those alpacas?

- I'ma let them go out here.

They've eaten
all the grass down.

I need to give this a break.

- They're so strange.

- This one usually
doesn't like people.

- Well, that's 'cause
you have the goodies.

- I'm gonna check on the smoker.

- Problem number one:

Lacey wants to move to Texas

and bring the grandbabies here,

but Noah, her husband,
he's not so keen on the idea.

Have you talked to Noah
about coming here?

- About moving?
Yeah, definitely.

I just feel, like,
he's like a child,

and like the more
you talk about it,

the less he's gonna
want to do it.

- I've convinced Noah and Lacey
to come to Texas here

for just a few months,

to see if they wanna
leave Hawaii

and make Texas
their home permanently.

- I love being here, I love you,

and I'm glad I get to see you
all the time.

- Aw.

Hard to leave Hawaii.
- Yeah, for sure.

- But there's so many
good things in Texas.

You can buy a home here.
- That's true.

He's most concerned
about leaving his job.

Noah's an award-winning chef.

He's not super convinced
on moving to Texas yet.

- I don't really like the idea

of pulling up everything
I've worked for and my family

and starting over here.
It's pretty scary.

- I know that there's
lots of work for him here.

- Yeah, for sure.
- Tons of work.

We just need the whole family
to get on board.

You and I have got a plan

together,
and we can get this done.

We gotta get your dad
to move here.

- Here's an idea.
- What?

- Fill all your showers
with whiskey.

- Most important thing
to me though,

is I wanna be close to my Zurie.

Zurie, baby!

Come give Pappy a huggie-duggie.

Toot toot. Come give me a hug.

- Zurie!

- Hello.
- Hey, babe.

- What's going on?
- You know, I got an idea.

Problem number two:

Rachel's real estate business.

I have a great idea
on how to boost

Rachel's real estate exposure
into orbit,

Bradshaw style, if you know
what I'm talking about.

I wanna show you something.

I think you're really
gonna like this.

"Seal the Deal
with Rachel Bradshaw."

That's a great picture.
"Seal the Deal."

We got them on all the benches
all over town.

They're everywhere.

- You already put them out?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I did it for you.

- My dad is always coming up
with the sweetest ways

to show us girls
that he loves us,

and it's always something crazy,

but the stupid bench ad,

this is level beyond anything
in my life.

I don't think he understands

what the phrase "Seal the Deal"
really means.

- Tammy!
- Tammy.

- Hey.

- What do you see when you see
"Seal the Deal"?

- I'm thinking,
"Come let me show you a house."

- Close it.
- And... yeah!

- Close the deal.
- Close the deal.

- So we rhymed it.
"Seal the Deal."

- Okay, right.
- Catchy.

- Every man in Dallas
will see that

and wanna call her for a date.

It doesn't say anything about,
like, real estate,

so I just wanna...

- Yeah, it does.

Look, there's mountains
in the background.

- Pappy, I think you messed up.

- I hate to have to go back now.

We gotta take all those off.
How you gonna get those...

- Do you know where
they all are?

- They're at the bus stop,
the train depot...

- Oh, my God.

Problem number three is

I gotta get Erin
to tell me her secret.

It's driving me crazy.

- Some things for a woman,

maybe it'd just be
a little uncomfortable

talking about with her dad.

- Babe, it's not about
that she had the boob job.

That's not it at all.

I just don't understand.

It's just, like,
everybody knows but me.

I overhead Lacey and Rachel
talking.

- Erin got her tits done.
- Well, that's good.

- Yeah.
- What?

- Shh, he'll hear us.

- And Erin had a boob job.

I didn't believe it at first

because Erin
tells me everything.

Then I got to thinking,
you can't go from this to this

without me noticing.

Call Rachel. FaceTime her.

I even look fat on FaceTime.

- No, you don't.

- Hello.
- What are you doing?

- I'm getting ready
for an open house.

- You got cookies?
- Yeah.

- Wow, I like that.
- What's going on?

- I gotta ask you something.

Look, I know Erin
had her boobs done.

- What are you talking about?

- Look it... look. Hey.

Look at me and tell me
you don't know.

- I have to go soon.
I have an open house.

- I know you know.

- That would be like me telling
you, "Hey, Dad, I got botox."

- When did you get botox?

- Oh.

I was just using that
as an example.

I really have to go.

- She's gone.
- Botox?

- Just let it go.

- Gah, 32 years old,
and you're doing botox?

I'ma do a scrotum-tox.

I'm pulling them up
past my ears.

You guys pretty much
tell me everything.

What are you laughing at?

- What's this have to do
with horses?

Awkward!

- Did you ever see me play?
- Yeah.

- Do you know what
the GOAT means?

- Yeah.
- Tom Brady?

- Have you see the new babies?
- No.

Hi. You're a baby.

- I thought if I get Erin
in her environment,

both of environments,

which is at the stables
around horses,

and we started a dialogue,
then I think maybe, you know,

I could get her to open up,
and she'd end up telling me,

you know, about her...
About her boob job.

You guys pretty much tell me
everything that's going on.

You always have.

'Cause kids rely on
their parents.

That's why, like, the bond
that you and I have,

you know?

A dad and his daughters.
It's, uh, it's special,

especially 'cause the one thing
I know about my daughters is

you wouldn't keep a secret
from me.

What?

- What are you laughing at?

- What's this have to do
with horses?

This is stupid.

Oh, God.

You not even making...

- I have no idea.

- You don't make any sense.

So Rachel texts me as soon
as she hung up with Dad,

and he clearly hinted to her

that he knew
that I had had a procedure.

It's not something at 30
that I thought I would ever

have a conversation
with my dad about.

Getting my boobs done?

I know that he wants me
to tell him,

but who knows how to approach

that conversation with your dad?

I mean, awkward!

- Hey, I'm glad you came up.
- I'm glad too.

- I love it...

I love it when you come up
and go through the horses.

- All right, love you.
- Love you.

- I'll see you
at dinner tonight.

- See you tonight.
- Okay, love you.

- Tell Scott hey.

How do you talk your daughter
about fake boobs?

I don't think that went well
in there.

I kinda blew it,

but we'll get in touch
with everybody,

and tell them we're having
a pool party.

- Do you see how cold it is
out here?

Where you going?

- You see where I'm going.

I need some help.

- Do we need to pray?

- Dear Lord,
give me the strength

to talk to Erin
about a boob job.

I don't care how big they are,

but it would mean a lot to me

if you would give her
the strength, Lord,

to tell me.

- You gotta let it go.
This is not gonna happen.

- Hey.
- No.

- Pool party, dead giveaway.
- No.

- Can't swim in a sweater.
- Oh, my gosh.

- Hey, is that Mawmaw and Pap?

- Hey, guys!

- Look who it is.
- Hey, hey, hey!

- Ooh, you look so pretty!

- Today's gonna be a special day

because we get
to babysit our grandkids.

- We're gonna go get
some ice cream!

- Oh, boy.

Hey, Zurie, the way I see it,

if your dad finds out
how much fun you had,

we'll tell him
we had a blast together,

then he'll wanna move to Texas.

- Blast?

- Yeah, you know,
a blast, a hoot, a good time.

- Well, if we get ice cream,
I'm sure I'll have a brast.

A blast. - Blast.

- Pick them up alive.

- Let's go find the ice cream.

- A gnome.

- Mmm. Mmm!

- This is your plan?

- Win over the child,
convince the father.

- Is that some kind of proverb?

Yep. Bradshaw 3:26.

- Watch for cars.

- Here put that in your
left hand and hold my hand.

- Can I take a selfie with you?

- Is it okay if we take
a picture with you?

Thank you. - Thanks, ladies.

You too.

- You know why people
come up to Pappy

to have their picture taken?

- Yeah.
- Why?

- 'Cause your famous.

- You ever heard of
the Super Bowl?

- You talk about that.

- I talk about it?

Did you ever see me play?
- Yeah.

- How was I? Was I good?

- You were fine.

- I'll have you know,
young lady,

that I was a star!

Star.

Do you know what the GOAT means?

- Tom Brady? Ha!

"Put one hand on my daughter,

let me tell you what
I'm gonna do, Matt..."

I'd like to just slap
the sh... out of him.

What a dick.

- I think you're
really gonna like this.

- Whatever. Dad!

What the hell?

Oh, my God!

- Well, I couldn't get
the bench ad removed,

so I thought maybe Rachel
would change her mind

if she saw one in person.

- My spray tan looks like crap.

I have a big old zit
on my forehead!

- No, you don't.
- Take this down!

- Clearly, I didn't think
this through.

I'm, uh, really happy for you.

The real estate thing's
going good.

- You always said... you said
it's gonna be five years

until you probably get
your life back together.

- Well,
I've never lost a spouse.

I can't imagine how you...

How you dealt with that.

- I was married
to an NFL player.

He was the kicker
for the Tennessee Titans,

Rob Bironas,

and he passed away
in a car accident

about three months
in the marriage.

Yeah, it's, like, you've got

just the world
at your fingertips,

and this great wedding,
and this wonderful marriage,

and then you're checking
the widow box

at, like, 27 years old.

You know, it's,
like, devastating.

I'm finally in such a good place

and then Erin introduces me
to Dustin,

and that was kind of it. - Yeah.

- I've been dating Dustin,
going on a year and a half,

and we're having so much fun.

He's from Texas,
he's funny, and he's cute,

and he checks off all the boxes.

- You know, I just don't wanna
see you, you know, get hurt.

- I feel like I'm really happy.

- Well, you've certainly tried
them all, that's for sure.

- Yes.

- Baseball players,
entertainers...

- Yeah.
- What was his name?

The little skinny kid with
the pants down to his ass?

- Oh, Matt!

You told him
he looked like crap,

and then he got scared...
- Oh, no, I said... I said,

"Put one hand on my daughter,

and let me tell you
what I'm gonna do, Matt..."

Well, we never talked again.

Just the way that I...

I'd like to just slap
the sh... out of him.

What a dick.

He was just a dick.

- It's freezing cold out there.

Why are we having
this pool party?

- It's one way maybe Erin will
come clean on the boob job.

- There are just dumb things
that women

don't share with their dad.
- It's boobs.

- Did they tell you when
they had their first Pap smear?

- I don't know what that is.
- Okay, there you go.

- Hey!

- Hi.

- Hey!

- Yay!

Yay! - Hey!

How are you? - Good.

- Hey, bud.
- Sup, bud, how's it going?

- Good to see you.

- How you doing?
- Cold, man.

- It's not Hawaii.

- I've been a part of the
Bradshaw family for five years.

It's very different from
anything that I'm used to.

You know, the private jets,
the expensive bottles of wine

and the expensive food that
I'm usually serving my clients,

now are being served

to our family meals.
It's very different.

- Oh, my God! Whoo!

- Pool party!
- Hey, look at your dad.

He's wearing cowboy boots.

- Texas up top,
Hawaii down below, you know?

- That's a good look.

- The plan is starting to work.

- Good job, my little helper.

- Good job, my big helper.

- Give me five, girlfriend.
Bingo.

Hey, look, I found out
that Erin had a boob job.

- Ha!

- She didn't tell you?
- No.

- Serious?
Look at me and don't smile.

Did she tell you? - No.

- Hey.
- Hi, how's it going?

- Hey! Pool party!

Did you bring your suit? - No.

- Why not?
You didn't get the message?

- There's a freeze warning
for this evening.

- But that's this evening.

- I think this pool party
is ridiculous.

- Just bring him to the side,

tell him you got your tits done,

and it'll be a great day.

- Let's hit the pool.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- I love you, just in case
this doesn't go well.

It's going great.

- This is not gonna go well.
- Nobody else going?

- No!
- No, absolutely not.

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!

- Aah! Aah!

- Just stop it.

Cannonball, cannonball!

- All right, last one in's
a rotten egg!

You ever heard that before?
- But I'm not a rotten egg.

- No, you're a good egg.

- I think Pappy's a real egg.

- Hey.

I got a little fluid retention.

- You are crazy! It's so cold!

Ooh!

- Coming out here and seeing
the kids with Gigi and Pappy...

And seeing how you light up,
seeing how the kids light up.

- So...

- I mean, I'm getting
a little bit more

into moving here maybe.
- Really?

That's the first time
you said that.

- Yeah. Maybe.

- Let's go eat by the fire
and warm up.

- It's freezing.

That's why I'm wearing
a sweatshirt.

- My little peepee's this long
right now.

Ew!

- You know I know.

Aah! Go girl!

Oh, my God.

- Dad?
- Yo!

- What are you doing?

- Hey.
- Are you cold?

You have two fires going.
- You didn't get in.

No, you're right. I didn't.

I did not pack my swimsuit.

Yeah.

- Hey, um... Look.

You know I know.

- I think we can both agree
that you...

I know now that you know
that I know that you know.

- I just... it's been driving me
crazy, 'cause I tell everybody,

"She tells me everything."

- All right, here it is:
I had a little procedure.

I got my boobs done.

- Why didn't you...
- There it is.

I told you I was, like,

I was a little self-conscious

'cause I was so flat-chested
all the time,

and I hit 30,

and we were, you know,

I was with Scott one day,
and I was like,

"I feel like I'm dressing
like I was when I was 16,

"and there's just a lot
of things that I can't wear,

and it makes me
very self conscious."

- Okay.
- So, you know,

I did in a tasteful way
for myself,

and I was just
a little hesitant,

but I think today, you throwing
a pool party in February,

broke the ice.

- I would never, ever, ever
not support you in anything.

It's your body.
Do what you wanna do.

- Yeah.
- I love you, and...

- Aw, thanks. I love you too.

- You know, if you're happy,
you know I'm happy.

- Yes.

Now that we've talked about it,

and it's out in the open,

it feels really good
to laugh with him again.

My dad has such a huge heart.

He would literally give you
the shirt off of his back,

and you know,
sometimes his heart's

just a little bit bigger
than his brain.

- Welcome to the family.

Oh.

- What...

They're healed.

- Well, everything kinda
turned out all right.

Erin, she told me everything,
so that makes me feel good,

and we're working on your dad,

and I think you'll be moving
to Texas.

You know, one other thing
I learned about Rachel is

she doesn't need me
messing with her business.

All in all,

I think I did pretty good.

- Did you?

You guys ready? - Charades.

- Go. Give us one, girl.

- Ooh.

- Dolly Parton!

Aah, go girl!

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, gosh.

This season on
"The Bradshaw Bunch."

- Oh!

- You never know
what's gonna happen in life...

Tammy!

But one thing you can always
count on is family.

Get them!

- Oh!

- Having Terry Bradshaw
as your dad is crazy.

- You want some of this?
- No.

- I got you a unicorn.
- It's not a unicorn.

- Nothing that wouldn't
honor me more

than to walk you down the aisle.

If it doesn't work out,
then I'll be there

for you with ice cream
and tequila.

Rachel and Dustin broke up.

- That girl is pregnant.
- Oh.

- Dustin, you piece of sh...

The best way

to get over one is
to get under one.

- What'd you just say?

- Ew, gross. They're kissing.

- You don't wanna get
some sugar?

- I'm seven years old!

- The entire world
has completely changed.

- Social distancing!

- I am going quarantine crazy.

Work is my self-esteem.
Now look at me.

Got the script.
- Take it from the top.

- If you suffer from erectile...

Don't do that!

- I'm so glad you guys are here.