The Big C (2010–2013): Season 4, Episode 2 - You Can't Take It with You - full transcript

What do you think?

Do I look like a Dixie chick?

I'd say chick-esque.

- Hmm.
- Hmm?

I mean, it's so sad.

I bought this, I never even wore it once.

That's why I collect
experiences over things.

Yeah, I'm worried you're collecting mites.

How long till you shave that thing?

It's my completely organic,

semi-permanent winter neck warmer.



So no time soon.

Fine, keep the beard,

but I want you to do something for me.

- My dermatologist.
- Ugh.

Make an appointment,
get yourself checked out.

And before you go on some diatribe

about how much you hate
the medical institution,

just consider how much it would mean to me

to know that you won't be going through

what I'm going through.

Eh, I'll think about it.

Jeez. What blew up in here?

Spring cleaning.

- It's November.
- Yeah, well...



I have so much energy
since I stopped chemo,

and I don't wanna leave all this stuff

for you and dad to deal with, so...

- Wanna help?
- Uh, that's tempting,

but I have school...
unless you want me to quit.

No, you go to school.

- W... when is that chemistry test?
- It's on Friday.

And I'm meeting with Lydia later.

Oh, I like that tutor chick of yours.

She's got that whole nerdy
geisha thing going on.

Oh, my Hermes scarf.

Hermes, for real?

Yeah. It was a gift from these rich parents

of one of my students.

It always made me feel just so Jackie O.

I doubt Jackie O pranced around like that.

Oh, look, don't you laugh.

You wore this almost as much as I did.

- What, no... no, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.

- Ooh, girl.
- You called it your "flag tie."

You used to... you used
to love to rub the silk

against your "wittle" nose.

I was probably just rubbing away a booger

- or something.
- Okay.

Do me a favor and put that out in the car.

Okay.

Has anybody seen my green dress shirt?

I wanna wear it in Detroit.

- See ya, dad. Love you.
- Take care of your mom, buddy.

- I'll see you in a couple days.
- Okay.

Amber claims to have picked it up

from the dry cleaner
before she went on vacation,

but I can't find it.

Uh, Paul.

Will this work?

For my radio show, maybe.

Oh, my God.

Is this what I think it is?

Aw.

God, I was so skinny.

I remember that.

I bet I could get good money for this.

You can't throw this away.

Says the woman who burned

her matrimonial frock in a trash can.

I did it to erase a bad memory.

Is that why you wanna do it, Cath?

- To erase a bad memory?
- No.

No, I'll always have the memories.

I'll always have the pictures.

It's just... I mean,
I don't need the dress.

It's just clothes.

Hey, I happen to be basing an entire career

on "just clothes."

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have to turn in some
"just clothes" designs

to sir Isaac Mizrahi.

Wow, your teacher's a knight?

- No, he's fashion royalty.
- Damn straight.

He's my visiting Professor this semester.

Safe flight.

- See ya, love.
- Bye, Paulie.

See ya, buddy.

Hey, Paul.

Do you think you'll get married again?

Why would you ask me that?

Just wondering, that's all.

Well, don't.

It's morbid.

I think you should.

Despite our conflict resolution issues,

you're good married.

You're good and morbid.

I will see you on Friday.

Oh, my God.

This is a great top.

Aw.

I just... I love all the little flowers.

Ah.

Only worn once.

I can take these.

And the rest, you can have back.

Ii don't want them back.

I'm divesting.

So just make me an offer for the whole lot.

Lowball me, I'll take it.

I only take what I can sell, doll.

Here.

What do you mean?

There's some great pieces in here.

I mean, look. Honestly,

people used to stop me on the street

about this skirt.

And note there's a...
there's an Hermes scarf.

- You have an Hermes?
- Yeah.

Where is it?

I must have dropped it.

Fine.

I will donate it.

Oh.

You okay, doll?

I can't feel my leg.

He says it's pressing on my frontal lobe.

It can cause partial
paralysis, among other things.

Well, what other things?

I don't know... behavioral changes,

you know, memory loss, judgment.

Oh, it sounds like my 20s.

Oh, I don't remember my 20s.

Well, look, try to remember this.

Thursday night is "Night
of a thousand stars."

I wanna go to the park and
watch for falling stars,

like we did when we were kids.

We were miserable doing that.

That's because mom and
dad fought all the time.

But guess what, mom and dad aren't invited.

Hey, did you ever call the dermatologist?

Oh, not yet.

Look, you do my thing, I'll do yours.

All right, fine.

Oh, please tell me this
isn't all they have.

Excuse me.

You don't, by chance, have a cane

with a carved wooden bird in it?

Yeah, or a serpent head with jewel eyes?

We don't sell those here.

That is what I'd recommend, very sturdy.

Thank you.

I think we'll keep looking.

I'll be damned if I'm gonna shuffle around

on one of those things
like some old ma kettle.

Oh, it looks like it's gonna rain.

Here, I'll go get the
pedi. You have a seat.

Mrs. silvers, your prescription

is ready for pickup, Mrs. Silvers.

Three, two, one.

- Time.
- What?

No, there's no way that was 40 minutes.

Ugh.

Sorry.

You almost passed this time.

What? Look, that's bullshit, okay?

There's no way I can
remember all that stuff.

Acetate is C-2-H-3-O-2-minus
or C-H-3-C-O-O.

Iron is a group eight metal and
therefore a transition element.

H-C-2-H-3-O-2 is a weak acid

that partily ionizes
in an aqueous solution.

And ozone depletion is
caused by chlorofluorocarbons,

a set of compounds that contain

only chlorine, fluorine, carbon,

know collectively as freon.

Jesus. You're like a robot.

How do you remember all this stuff?

I study a lot.

Wait, when do you have time
to hang out with friends?

My mom doesn't really
approve of hanging out.

What, at all?

Jesus. I'd go crazy if I
couldn't see my friends.

That's because you're popular.

I gotta go.

I volunteer at an animal
shelter on Tuesday nights.

That's awesome.

So you like animals?

No. But I want to get into Harvard.

I made up some sample test questions.

You might want to stay in
tonight and work on 'em.

Okay, cool.

Thanks for this...

Shit.

So how are you handling your new symptoms?

The crazy thing is that,
with the exception of my limp,

I feel like my old self.

I mean, you know, it's funny.

I... now that I stopped
trying to get better,

I feel better.

So no regrets about stopping treatment?

- None at all.
- Mm.

Is that bad?

Why would that be bad?

I don't want people to
feel like I've given up.

Why not?

Because I don't wanna let them down.

By dying?

By leaving before they're ready.

I wanna make sure all my
loose ends are tied up.

I wanna make sure there's a plan in place,

so everyone will be okay.

And what about you?

- What about me?
- Well, you.

Where do you fit into this plan?

I don't.

I mean...

I'm gonna be gone, remember?

How does that make you feel?

Well, it's not like I haven't...

been prepared for this for a long time.

My tumors are growing.

I know what that means.

When the doctor told me, I thought,

"okay. It's happening.

Don't fight it."

Wow. That is very evolved of you.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Can you be evolved in a bad way?

Can you?

You're annoying.

Look, Cathy, I'm happy that
you're feeling up right now.

You deserve to feel that way.

And you are very evolved.

It's just that in my experience,

people who are going through
what you are going through

and feel all good can sometimes

be thrown a curve-ball.

So just be...

Prepared to catch it?

Not surprised

if it hits you in the face.

Mom, did two guys just steal your dresser?

No, no.

Hated it. Don't need it. Sold it.

Whoa, mom, what happened to your leg?

I'm, uh...

I'm just having some paralysis.

Because of where the tumors
are pressing on your brain?

Uh, yeah.

How'd you know that?

Just looked it up on the Internet.

You know, if you ever have any questions,

you can always come to me and ask, right?

So does it hurt?

No, no.

No, it's just, uh...

you know, it's just kinda numb.

You know, like it
doesn't belong to my body.

Dr. Sherman said that other
than the peg leg aspect,

I'm doing pretty good.

Uh, I thought I would make
salmon for dinner tonight.

Brain food to help you
study for your test, okay?

Yeah.

Lydia, look.

You gotta help me, okay?

There's no way I'm gonna
be ready for this chem test.

I can come over tonight

if you wanna add another session.

Or, okay, I could just...

I could say that I'm gonna take my mom

to, like, a doctor's
appointment or something,

and then you could just tell
me what's on the test later.

You want me to cheat for you?

No, I don't... you don't
have to give me the answers.

No, I'll just look those up myself.

It's still cheating.

No, it's not... I'll pay you.

I'll pay you whatever you want.

Lydia, look.

I cannot bring a shitty
grade home to my mom.

Maybe if you spent a
little less time hanging out

and a little more time studying,

you wouldn't be in this predicament.

Okay, thanks. Jesus.

Hello, Detroit. We are back.

Stan the morning man here,

sitting live in the studio with none other

than the "Flip That Switch" doctor himself,

Paul Jamison.

So glad to have you on the show.

Thank you very much.
I'm thrilled to be here.

I love waking up to random applause.

Yes!

Listen, we all know
that you've been on tour

the past few days.

You gave a lecture downtown last night?

That's right, at the lovely Fillmore.

And two more tonight... one at 6:00,

another at 8:00 at the Royal Hotel.

And my producer actually gave me a copy

of your upcoming lectures.

And we're gonna plug that in just a minute.

You know, I have to say, I
can't get over this schedule.

You are a busy bee.

Yes, uh, it's hectic.

You know, but I gotta say,

meeting the fans, hearing their stories,

you know, it keeps me going

'cause they touch me.

Just the cute ones, I hope.

I'm just kidding. Listen.

We all know how dedicated
you are to your wife.

How is she doing, by the way?

You know, it's been tough, but, uh,

let me tell ya, she's
a trooper, real trooper.

Glad to hear it.

That big "C" can be a real bitch.

So does she mind you
doing all this traveling?

Oh, we're in sync.

You know, she... she understands.

She's down with it. She...

You know what they say,

"absence makes the heart grow fonder."

- Yeah.
- And I'm sure you two

really work it out when
you get back home, right?

Yeah, we, uh...

we check in, we do.

I'll bet you do.

Hey, can you tell our listeners

how you two stay so connected?

Hold that thought, Dr. Paul.

We're gonna be right back
after this short break.

Dude, it's radio.

You kinda gotta talk. Oh.

I'm running out of sound effects here.

Could I... little water.

Could I just... can we get some water?

So this is a Cockwork oOrange

meets Planet of the Apes.

Two movies that should never go together,

except here, they work.

I like it.

No kidding, I want it.

I really do. I wanna buy that.

Seriously, holler to Hollis.

Okay. Who's next?

Oh, Andrea.

Um, you know what?

Why don't we hear from the class first?

I don't mind the simple lines.

I just think the colors are...

Yawno-rama, right?

I mean, I feel bad for the girl
who has to wear these clothes.

I mean, talk about not
wanting to be noticed.

She's all wall and no flower.

Okay, I think I've enthralled
you all enough for one day.

Go forth and be fabulous.

Uh, except you.

Um, I'm a little concerned

about the work you've
been handing in lately.

I worked really hard on those sketches.

I know, but there's,
like, a sparkle missing

that I saw in your admission portfolio.

I mean, granted, that
portfolio relied very heavily

on the sort of liberace
bedazzled and feathered thing.

But those sketches, they were fun.

They had a point of view.

What happened?

I have a friend, and she's really sick.

And I think she's gonna die soon, and I...

I guess it just sucked
the sparkle out of me.

I'm really sorry.

I don't know what to say.

If you think this class is
too much for you right now,

- maybe you should drop it.
- Well...

Think about it.

Okay, bye.

I've reconsidered your offer.

I realized that the answer lies

in the basic physics
tenet that every action

has an equal and opposite reaction.

Lydia, I honestly have no idea

what you're saying, okay?

I'll help you cheat if
you take my virginity.

W... w... what?

Don't worry.

It's not because I'm into you or anything.

I just don't wanna start college next year

being the geek with a hymen.

And since I don't have time to meet people

outside school and you have a reputation

for this sort of thing,

I figured this might be my best

and only option for sex.

Plus, it seemed like a fair trade, so...

are you in or out?

Ah, looks like it's snowing paper.

Sorry, I'm just working
on sketches for class.

Oh, for sir Isaac, I presume.

Yeah.

It doesn't look like it's going very well.

Well, everything I come up with

is either "yawn-o-rama" or "reductive"...

whatever the hell that means.

Basically, I suck.

Well, I know for a fact that's not true.

You just need to get out
of your head, that's all.

Yeah.

- Hey.
- Lydia, hi.

I didn't know you two were
getting together tonight.

I thought you had a session yesterday.

Adam wanted to add another one

before our chem test tomorrow.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Adam, I am so proud of all
the hard work you're doing.

Thanks.

So, yeah, we should probably,
you know, get to work, so...

- Uh...
- Uh...

Okay.

Cool hat, Mrs. Jamison.

- Oh, here.
- Oh.

It's yours.

Thanks.

And there's some banana bread in the fridge

if you want a snack later.

- Cool.
- Okay.

Come on.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Shooting stars await.

Oh, I was hoping you'd forgotten.

Well, wait, how was the dermatologist?

For the record, that was much more

of a full body grope than a scan.

Never had someone spend so
much time under my balls.

- And?
- And, uh, nothing.

I... I got the all clear.

Really?

Good. I'm so relieved.

Come on. I wanna stake out a place

before all the prepster
dipshits blanket the park

in cashmere and, uh... and cheese wheels.

What's all this?

I just wanna look up some stuff

before we do anything.

Or, you know, I could
just show you how it works.

- You know?
- Please, I know how it works.

But according to my
research, a lot of women

say they have a bad first experience.

I like to get things
right on the first try.

Coming through.

Come on. I, uh...

I wanna find a really good place to sit,

for optimal viewing.

No, actually, I think we can watch them

from right here.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I wanna do this the right way, come on.

Let's go.

There you go.

Okay.

Oh!

Jesus. You okay?

Cath?

Mmm. This tastes so good.

Thanks. I'll tell my mom.

According to this site, the
coital alignment technique

has the highest percentage
of vaginal orgasm at 39%.

Whereas the reverse cowgirl, which claims

only a 28% chance of success, ranks higher

on the intensity scale by almost 50%.

But if both are combined
with digital stimulation,

the numbers go way up.

God. You make it sound like chemistry.

It kinda is.

You know, the science behind making a baby

is actually extraordinary.

You know, how many
things need to be aligned

in order for it to happen.

You know, it's a miracle if it ever works.

And who knew the vagina
was, like, a tube, you know,

and the vulva was, like, the outside part?

Um, me.

Okay, besides you.

I forget you know everything.

I can't help it. I'm a genius.

No, you're a robot.

I am Lydia.

I know everything.

I remember everything I ever read.

Shut up.

So should we, like...

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Okay.

Ah.

Oh!

Aah, okay.

This rarely ever happens

after I've done this much prep,

but I've changed my mind, I can't do this.

No, it's okay. It's okay.

As much as I wanna get it over with,

it just doesn't feel right.

No, it's okay. It's
okay. It's totally cool.

Don't worry about it.

You don't have to look so relieved.

No, but seriously, Lydia, look.

Your first time should be special.

You'll remember it forever.

So I guess we better get back to work then.

Yeah.

You've got a lot to memorize by tomorrow.

Remember...

Failure is not an option.

Those aren't alien gun noises.

You have to be like...

Pew! Pew! Pew!

Whatever.

- Oh.
- Ow.

Of course I scrape the one leg

that still has feeling.

- You'll live.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

All right, come on.
You ready to get moving?

Ow, ow. Sean, stop it.

No, I am not walking.

All right, then. I'll
just have to carry you.

Sean, no... Sean, stop it!

Sean, I'm not kidding.

Oh, come on, Cathy, make this

- a little easier for me.
- No!

I don't wanna make it easier. Put me down!

Cathy... Cathy, you're gonna...

God damn it.

What is your problem?

My problem is this forced march

you have me on with two bad legs.

What is so important about watching

some stupid falling stars

that we can see from anywhere?

Because I thought it would be fun!

Maybe we'd see another falling star.

You wished on one for a bike once.

And mom got you that blue ten-speed

for Christmas, remember?

And they never got us anything good.

- I know what you're doing.
- What?

The last time you grew out your beard

was for ultimate frisbee in college.

You spent two years

looking like a freak because
you thought, if you shaved,

your team would lose.

And we didn't, for two whole years.

Look.

You're caught up in some
superstitious O.C.D. thing,

and it's not gonna work for me.

I'm dying, Sean.

And growing beards and
wishing on shooting stars

is not gonna change that.

Y... you don't know.

Yeah, I do.

Jesus. It's so unfair.

I spent the last 15
years of my life outside,

baking in the sun.

And your dermatologist

couldn't find one stupid mole on me.

But that's good.

No, it isn't.

It's not good, Cath.

Why not me?

No one would miss me.

Except maybe you, and you'd get over it.

Mm-mm.

I'd give you my brain, if I could.

I don't want your brain.

You're such a fucking bitch.

You won't be disappointed.

I already am.

Hey, Marcy, been awhile.

How's Doug?

Well, he passed two weeks ago, Frank.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

What, uh... what happened?

Kidney failure.

He was on dialysis for 12 years

waiting for a donor kidney, but...

Oh, my God.

- Sean.
- Look.

I wanted to know if I could return these.

They haven't been opened yet.

Sure.

Oh, hey.

You're home early.

Yeah, a little change of plan.

- How was Detroit?
- It was fine.

I mean, morning DJs, they're just, like,

you know, they're these fake people

made out of steroids
and caffeine, you know?

You have a cane?

I go away for two days, and I come back,

and you're walking with a cane?

Well, the sad part is that you cannot

get a cane with a bird
carved in it in this town,

no matter how much you're willing to spend.

No.

The sad part is that I wasn't here,

and I should've been.

Paul, I...

No, I want you to go on with your life.

What, are you gonna try and
sell me a new wife again?

Oh, oh.

Funny that you mention that.

I wanna show you something.

It's a website

where... where people who have lost

their spouses to cancer
can meet other people

who have lost their spouses to cancer.

It's called Chapter 2.

See, that's the exact opposite

of what I wanna talk to you about.

Wait. No, no, no. I just...

I ju... I want you to look at it with me

'cause it's so sweet.

I mean, some of the
stories are just fantastic.

All the way home,

all I could think about

is how far apart we've gotten,

you know?

Maybe a lot of it's my
fault, maybe all of it.

But with the time that we have left,

I wanna figure out how to
find my way back to you.

And I just... I don't appreciate

you pushing me away like this.

I'm not.

This is how I want to get close to you,

by talking about your
future and Adam's future,

which I'm not gonna be in much longer.

Stop it.

I mean, you...

First the clothes and now this?

You're giving everything away, even me.

- You're freaking me out, honey.
- Why?

I have always over-prepared
for every trip I've ever taken.

I...

I want you to help me,

to talk about this.

I... I need you to hear me say

that it's okay to move on.

Good luck.

Start now.

Okay, I'll bite.

Why are you on my computer?

Uh, I engage with technology

in service of a greater good.

But apparently...

I have been cock-blocked
by the establishment.

As of a couple hours ago,

I've been trying to give something away

on, uh, Craigslist, where you can give away

your free underwear if you want.

But they just told me
that I've been shut down.

My ad's been flagged for removal,

the censoring bastards.

No offense, but what do
you have to give away?

Oh, my spare kidney.

I listed it under "free stuff."

- I had a ton of takers.
- You're kidding here, right?

No. No, no, no.

My kidneys and I are quite serious.

I got the idea from that woman
at the medical supply store

whose husband just died
waiting for a transplant.

It hit me, Cath.

A guy like me could've saved his life,

easy.

So after I dropped you off,

I swung by the public library.

I got on the one computer

not being used by homeless guys for porn...

Kidneys are major organs, Sean.

I mean, what if you give one away,

and then something happens
to the one you have left?

What if Adam needs a kidney?

Then you won't be able to help.

Oh, by that time, they'll be able

to grow 'em in petri dishes.

No, I just think in a world of shallow

and meaningless gestures,

this was my chance to truly
help someone, right now.

I admire the impulse.

But there are ways to help a stranger

that doesn't involve surgery.

You've been giving stuff away lately.

- Have I been critical of you?
- Apples and oranges, Sean.

To you, maybe.

My kidneys and I, however, shall persevere.

I just think in a world
that can connect people

with everything from hubcaps to hand jobs,

I gotta be able to find
someone in renal failure.

Oh, I love the pinstripe.

I also love the hardware.

It's very butch,

and I love it. Good work.

Um, see me after class.

I'm making some tea. Do you want some?

Hey, come here. I wanna show you something.

Okay, but you have to promise

to keep an open mind and not get angry.

Always open, never angry.

I did a profile of you on that website.

Now you never have to use it, of course.

I just... you know, I'm just having fun.

Didn't we already have this conversation?

Look, I'm using an alias.

And F.Y.I., you're
sounding like quite a catch.

- Nice picture.
- Yeah.

I took it after one of Adam's soccer games.

All joking aside, I'm not doing this.

So maybe you should stop doing it too.

You're a man who needs to be married.

Trust me on this, I know you.

- I'm gonna be a lone wolf.
- Okay.

You do better when you
have someone in your life.

When I think about your future

and I picture you alone,

it's... sad

and lonely and filled with fast food

and no reason to use deodorant.

And when I picture you with someone,

now I see laughter and hand-holding

and a long and happy life.

And besides, Adam's gonna need

a positive female influence.

And he will have that,

the way that God and
nature intended him to,

with an older girlfriend.

Okay, this is what I wrote.

"I'm tall,

over 6 feet.

I like playing rugby

and enjoy spending quality
time with my teenage son."

"I have a creative soul."

- Oh, that's nice.
- Mm-hmm.

"And I love great conversation

and good dinners at home."

I like eating out.

You like eating, you hate eating out.

Why would you say that
I don't like to swim?

- I love to swim.
- No, you... you despise it.

It irritates your eczema.

Favorite movie?

♪Star Wars♪

The Big Lebowski.

Shit.

You're right.

You see?

This is why we have to do this together.

Because I know you...

better than you know you.

You do.

Wow. I haven't seen someone look so scared

since vera wang thought
she gained 2 pounds.

Relax, okay?

I asked you to stay

because I wanted to show you that.

That's a killer coffin.

That's the point.

I mean, death doesn't have to be dowdy.

Look at the Egyptians,

they knew how to make it shine.

I'm sorry about your friend.

But if you're gonna be an artist,

you have to learn

to tap into what's going on in your life.

I have done some of my best collections

after being dumped by
some very hot boyfriends.

Trust me.

This is not the time

to give up on your vision.

It's the time to find it,

work it.

But it's bleak, Mr. Mizrahi.

Isaac. Here, take this home, okay?

And just study

and look at how the Egyptians

met tragedy with style

and a ton of gold leaf.

And you do some sketches
that are gonna knock

my limited edition socks off.

- Okay?
- Thank you.

Wow. That was amazing.

I don't even feel like

falling asleep like I usually do.

Maybe it's 'cause it's the afternoon.

Afternoon delight.

Afternoon nookie.

Oh, my God!

You are such a stud.

Look at all these
messages from widow dates.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

There's a woman named Brenda

who wants to have coffee with you.

Two kids.

She owns her own travel agency.

She's cute.

Well, I think you should meet her.

You can't have sex with me

and then set me up with another woman.

It's twisted.

- What kind of wife would do that?
- A very good one.

Look, maybe us working on
my online profile together

was a weird sort of a... a turn-on.

But that's as far as it's gonna go.

- Okay, honey?
- No, sh...

she's perfect for you.

She does yoga.

She has a home in Stillwater.

I mean, I wanna be friends with her.

But don't you realize how...

how wrong this is?

You're still alive.

I should not be on this website.

Well, you can tell her I'm still around

if it makes you feel better.

None of this makes me feel any better.

Baby steps, Paul.

Baby steps.

No, really, I have heard it all,

and you win the most generous

fucking wife of the year award.

Congratulations.

No, but this is the man who I know

better than any other person in the world,

who I've known longer
than any other person...

- Mm-hmm.
- Except for Sean and my dad,

but that's different.

And there is this...

it's a deep love.

It's not always passionate.

It's not always a walk at the beach.

But we chose each other,
and we stayed together.

And now that I'm looking at
the finish line of my own life,

I wanna be his partner right to the end.

And that means finding his next partner.

And knowing Paul as I do,

I think I'm the best person for the job.

And really, it doesn't bother you,

this life that he's gonna
have with someone else?

I mean, that would drive
a lot of women crazy,

including me.

Oh, I have other things to worry about.

Will my other leg go numb?

What about my arms? Will I go blind?

That stuff scares the shit out of me.

Are you disorganizing my kitchen?

No. I'm making it cane-friendly.

I'm moving all your favorite
coffee cups next to the machine,

so you don't have to
shuffle back and forth.

I'm doing the pots and pans next.

No, you're not.

Because you... have a date.

Excuse me?

Remember Brenda from Chapter 2

who wanted to have coffee?

I told her yes.

You're meeting her at the pastry place

on Lyndale in half an hour.

- I'm not going.
- Yes, you are.

Honey, open up your computer,

and you tell Brenda that I'm
not gonna meet her now or ever.

She's already hired a sitter.

I'm trying to enjoy my relationship

with my very alive wife,

who's just crossed such a strange line.

I don't have her phone number, Paul.

If you don't go now,
you're standing up a widow.

Lydia, B-plus!

Dude, I knew you could do it!

Yeah, suck it, chemistry!

Nice to meet the man behind the profile.

I'm so sorry that I'm late.

Oh, please, I'm usually
the one that's late.

There, now you know, runs late.

I hope you don't mind,
I've ordered some dessert.

I'm starving, and I love sugar.

There, now you see more of my foibles.

I got two forks that
you would be complicit...

Brenda, you seem like a really nice woman.

And I don't wanna waste your time,

so I'm just gonna dive right in here.

I need to apologize.

Not usually how these things begin.

This whole thing was my wife's idea...

my alive wife.

You're married?

Yeah.

Of course you are.

Yes, of course.

- Of course.
- You know,

she found the website.

And she filled out the profile.

And, um, you know,

she has cancer, you know?

Going to die of cancer.

And I think she just...

she just wants to know
that I'm gonna be okay.

I'm so sorry. I'm very embarrassed.

And even if she weren't still here,

I don't know if I could do this.

I've been a widow for ten years.

It was five before I could even think

about going on a date.

Yeah, well...

I'm sorry that this is happening to you.

Yeah.

She likes you very much.

Loves your profile, wishes
you could be friends.

How fucked up is that?

One cheesecake,

two forks?

Stay and have some cake. Okay?

- Hey.
- Table for one?

No, thank you. I just...

I have to give someone their wallet.

I'm not sure if they're still here.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, that place is fun.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I've been there. I've been there.

I'm very glad to meet you.

That's very nice of you,
under the circumstances.

Would you do it?

It's that man in the tan jacket.

- No problem.
- Thank you.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

So your labs are very good.

Oh, thank you.

Well, other than a
toothache, like, a year ago,

which I indicated in my health history,

I am fit as a fiddle.

Blood type "O," which is
universal for kidney donation.

That's just preliminary,

- of course.
- Yeah.

And then we'd also need a tissue match,

which would involve more tests.

I'm highly motivated, doctor.

I see you also have had

some mental health issues in the past.

Not gonna lie, had my moments.

But I feel like I've been

on a pretty even keel for a while now,

and I'm really ready to
give back to my community.

You see, that's the thing.

Living donation, what you want to do,

isn't that common.

And given your mental history,

we need to be absolutely certain
that you are of sound mind

and that you are very clear
about why you're doing this.

Doc.

I may have had a few bouts

of less-than-optimal mental health...

but my kidneys are completely sane.

You know, I thought you'd be

a little bit more
enthusiastic about my gesture.

This seems to be an impulsive decision.

And given your psychological profile,

that is a significant concern.

Wait, wait. Are you rejecting my kidney?

I'm saying you should take
some time to think about it.

Look, look, doctor.

I know that you're the professional here,

but let me just explain something

that might not be in the file,

that you're otherwise
pretty impressed with.

I have taken some time,
before I even got here.

I... I don't have a job.

I'm not in a relationship.

No kids that I know of.

I just... I sit around
a house I got for free,

and I flip through a dead lady's junk mail.

Maybe I do a little composting.

So I've had time to think about this

and the risks and why I still wanna do it.

And what I didn't say
to you right off the bat

is that I... I'm just a guy...

with a sister,

a beautiful, generous,

occasionally irritating sister

who's dying.

And all I've ever wanted
to do is save her life.

But, um...

I can't.

That's not how our story's gonna end.

But I have to believe that there is

somebody else out there who I can help.

And maybe they have a brother

who will get to be with them

for a whole, long lifetime because of me.

Hey. Hi.

Remember me?

I... I brought my wedding dress in here

the other day, and now
I really wish I hadn't.

I just... I wanna hang onto
it for a little bit longer.

I'll buy it back if I have to.

Check the rack back there with the formals.

Ah, thank you.

I can help you with this too.

Okay.

Lay this out.

- What do you think?
- Oh, you look so great.

That's perfect.

I'll definitely remember that.

Oh, hey. Sorry about all
the glitter on the floor.

I'll vacuum it up.

No, leave it. I like it.

Oh, Andrea, that is stunning.

Girlfriend got her sparkle back.

I found some inspiration in king tut

and a bunch of other, like, rich Egyptians.

Hey, did you know that the pharaohs

wanted to be buried with all their stuff?

They thought that they could
take everything with them

to the afterlife, like everything.

Like, jewels and spices
and honey, gold, and...

their cats.

I'm not sure that that
made a whole lot of sense,

but damn, these dudes
knew how to rock a tomb.

Could you make this?

- For class?
- For me.

I wanna be buried in it.

Don't be grim.

Say yes.

No, I... I want a new dress.

And I would love to know

that I'm wearing this to my funeral.

Yeah. I'll do it up right, Mrs. J.

Good.

'Cause I think I should rock my casket

like a pharaoh, don't you?

I do.

Yeah. Okay.

Mrs. J, I'll be home early.

So call me if you want me

to pick something up or whatever.

Uh, no breakfast for me, mom.

I gotta go meet Lydia early.

Thank you for hiring her, by the way.

She's a... she's a kickass tutor.

See ya, love you.

Superstar!

Nice night.

No more sleeping on the couch.

♪ Awesome ♪

Eggs are burning, sweetie.

There we go.

Who are you?