The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 22 - The Fermentation Bifurcation - full transcript

Oh, hey, if you guys
are free this weekend,

I won a night of
wine tasting from work.

That sounds fun.
Mm-hmm.

How come scientists don't win
free stuff like salespeople do?

'Cause we're not in it
for the stuff.

We're in it
for the groupies.

SHELDON:
Personally,

I find the notion of
external rewards demeaning.

I pursue science for the
intrinsic joy of discovery.

But you always say that
you want to win a Nobel Prize.

I also say don't contradict
me in front of my friends,



but that you
don't remember.

All right, well, let me know
if you guys want to go.

I would love to.

I do enjoy the complexity
of an aged Pinot noir.

I'm sure that would pair nicely

with your fried nuggets
of chicken.

Well, it sounds like
a nice night. We should go.

Wine again?

Yeah, no, thank you.

I like my grapes
the old-fashioned way:

in a juice box.

Well, I'm going.

You couldn't stop me from
getting a massage at the mall,

and you're not stopping me now.



I shouldn't have to
see my girlfriend

get groped in public
by another man.

And I shouldn't
have to see my boyfriend

riding on a train for children
around the mall.

The little choo-choo
for toddlers?

And now you know why
I needed the massage.

Well, we're out.

Bernie can't drink
'cause she's pregnant.

And she's pregnant
because we had sex.

And we had sex because...

(laughs):
well, come on.

It's okay.
You should go.

You sure?

Of course.

Yeah, give her a break from,
“Well, come on.”

Well, Bernadette, looks like
Saturday night, it's you and me.

Me? How? Why?

Well, it makes perfect sense.

Because you're an expectant
mother, you can't drink alcohol.

I don't like to.

You can't have sushi.

I don't like to.

You can't go in hot tubs.

I consider them
vats of sweaty people soup.

Gee, Sheldon, I don't know.

Oh, come on.

Roller coasters, caffeine,
runny eggs...

I've been avoiding these things
all my life.

And now, because you're
pregnant, you have to.

The difference is she's
bringing life into the world,

and you suck it out.

I guess we could give it a try.

Well, little lady,
you've heard of party hearty;

get ready to party hardly.

I bet you'd like
a drink right now.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 9x22 ♪
The Fermentation Bifurcation
Original Air Date on

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Hey, you think
it'd be okay

if I brought Claire
to the wine tasting?

Sure. I'd like to meet her.
Oh, that's great.

I've been wanting her
to meet you guys, too,

so this seems like
the perfect opportunity.

Oh, but I won't be there.

Funny how that worked out.

Does this mean Emily's not
in the picture anymore?

No, I'm still dating her.

Okay, help me out.

How are you doing this?

Do they know about each other?

They know that
we're not exclusive,

and we just don't ask
too many questions.

You know, it's like how I play
Warlords of Ka'a with you

and Elder Sign with
Frank and Alicia.

Who's Frank and Alicia?

Y... You and I spend
a lot of time together.

Can there be a little
mystery between us?

WOLOWITZ:
Okay.

Everything's hooked up.
We're ready.

I am going to record
this for posterity.

All right, here goes nothing.

Here goes nothing?

This is the initial test
of our prototype.

Can we give it
a little more gravitas?

LEONARD:
Fine.

Preliminary trial
of the infinite persistence

gyroscopic navigational system:
phase one commencing.

Eh... maybe it's your voice.

I'm gonna see if I can get James
Earl Jones to do it in post.

(chuckles)

Ooh.

Wow.

It's... it's-it's beautiful.

Actually,
it's making me dizzy.

Good, it's not just me.
(chuckles)

CLAIRE:
Hello.

Hey, Claire.

Hey, what's up?

Hi, yeah.

Um, I was wondering,

if you're free Saturday night,

all my friends are
going to a wine tasting.

Sure, I guess.

If you don't think meeting
your friends is too big a step.

Why would it be too big a step?

I don't know. I just don't
want things to get weird.

Nothing to worry about.

People meet people all the time,

and it isn't weird.

I met Bon Jovi once, which
you'd think might be weird.

Turns out, total sweetheart.

Okay, but you and I have been
keeping things casual.

Uh, will you introduce me
as your friend

or as your girlfriend?

What if I like them

and they don't like me?

What if they like me
and I don't like them?

Boy, it wasn't this hard
with Bon Jovi.

I said, “You rock,”
he said, “Thanks, man,”

and that was that.

(sniffs)

Hey, you ready to go?

Hang on.
What are you doing?

Oh, I found a scratch-and-sniff
book about wine tasting.

It teaches the different
flavor notes to look for.

You actually smell the wine?

I mostly just smell
my nasal spray.

Are your sinuses acting up?

Since my preschool got a bunny.

Hey, are you still hanging out
with Bernadette tonight?

Yes.

And we're going to prove
that we don't need alcohol

to enjoy ourselves.

Oh, good for you.

Or caffeine, tobacco, sushi,

soft cheese, processed meats
and Jacuzzis,

which can all be harmful
to an unborn baby.

No HoneyBaked Ham
in a hot tub... got it.

Oh, no bubble baths either.

They can increase the risk
of a urinary tract infection.

Okay, have fun.

Oh, and no swordfish, king
mackerel, shark or tilefish,

which are all high in mercury.

We're leaving now!

Oh, and no contact with
guinea pigs

or hamsters or their droppings,

uh, no-no cat litter boxes,
no paint fumes...

Okay, we're leaving,
love you, bye!

Boy, do I love restrictions.

Hey.

Where is everybody?

Oh, we're the first ones here.

Oh.

Cool.

Yeah.

Cool.

(mellow jazz music playing)

You know, I don't
remember the last time

it was just you and me
hanging out.

Oh, I do.
It was three years ago.

Oh, yeah, and we said
we should do it more often.

(chuckles):
And-and here we are.

So, Sheldon and Bernadette
are hanging out.

I know. What are they
gonna talk about?

(laughs)

I don't know.

I really don't know.

Hey.

Oh, good!
Oh, thank God!

You guys been here long?

No, two minutes.

But yes.

Where's Claire?

Oh, she's meeting us here.

Hey, guys, do me a favor
and don't ask too many questions

about the relationship.

We're just keeping it casual.

Oh, so I shouldn't ask her
how she feels about being

a member of your harem?

Yeah, I know you're teasing,
but watch out for karma.

Hey, Penny, isn't that
your old boyfriend Zack?

Oh, yeah.

Are you gonna
say hi to him?

Uh, I don't know.

Hey, while you decide,

who was better in bed:

big hot Zack
or wheezy little Leonard?

Neener neener.

I brought sparkling cider.

Oh... the bubbles
tickle my nose.

I'll just open this now
so it can get

nice and flat
before we drink it.

So what do you want
to do tonight?

Oh, I have quite
the evening planned.

Our fetus-friendly
festival of fun begins

with an in-depth look

at the world of model trains,

and then we'll kick things
up a notch and explore

all the different ways
that you can make toast.

There's more than one?

You've heard of French toast?
Yeah.

Cinnamon toast?
Yeah.

Melba toast?
Yeah.

You get where I'm going here?

Yeah.

I'm getting
an earthy note.

Ah, there's
definitely some oak.

Also, uh, cherries?

I smell nothing.

Really? Nothing?

Just a... whole lot of Afrin.

Penny?

Oh. Zack, hi!

You guys remember Zack.

Yeah, hey, buddy.
- Hello. - Hey.

Hey, did you two
get married?

We did.
Yeah, mm-hmm.

To each other?

Yes. (chuckles)

Cool. 'Cause other than
when you broke up with him

and dated me, then
broke up with me,

and then dated me one more
time before going back to him,

I was always rooting
for you two.

Thanks.

So how's the
science world?

What are you
guys up to?

W-We've actually been
working on a prototype

for a navigation
system we invented.

But we won't bore you
with the details.

Are you kidding?
I love science.

Einstein, Stephen Hawking,
Mike deGrasse Tyson.

Mike deGrasse Tyson?

Yeah, you know,
the boxer who grew a mustache

and became a scientist.

So what's your
invention?

Well, we're using
quantum vortices

to replace gyroscopes
in guidance systems.

What's neat is
that they can maintain

angular momentum indefinitely.

Angular momentum.

I was wondering about that.

You could put it in a
satellite or a rocket,

and it'll run forever.

Cool.

Could it be used for
missiles and war stuff?

Yeah, but we didn't
create it for weapons.

And I doubt the military
would be interested

in our little
guidance system.

Is it better than
the one they use now?

A lot!
Way better.

Huh.

You sure you guys are smart?

“H-O” gauge trains
are 1/87 scale.

“N” gauge are
1/160 scale.

And that brings us
to “Z” gauge, at a

“you could easily swallow it,
don't ask how I know,” 1/220.

I'm sorry, I have to ask.

When I was five, I ingested
a “Z” gauge locomotive.

I spent the next three days
saying, “I think I can pass it,

I think I can pass it,
I think I can pass it.”

What is it about trains
that you like so much?

What an interesting
question.

When I was a child,
life was confusing

and chaotic for me, and
trains represented order.

I could line them up,
categorize them, control them.

I guess you
could say that

they gave me a sense of calm
in a world that didn't.

That's lovely, Sheldon.

Well... other than when they're
chugging through your bowels,

these things are magic.

I have to admit,
I've been worried about

the military applications since
we started talking about this.

Me, too.

Why didn't you
say something?

Same reason I don't
talk about ass cancer.

It's not a
pleasant topic.

You can't let this stop you.

Almost any scientific
advancement can be used

for destructive purposes.

It's true. Even Einstein's
theory of relativity

was later applied to the
development of nuclear weapons.

E equals MC squared.

Yeah.

“E” is for energy,
“M” for mass,

and “C” for the speed of light.

(clicks tongue)

How do you know that?

Oh, Leonard mumbles it when
he wants sex to last longer.

Hey, Raj.

Hey, Claire.
Good, you're here.

Guys, this is
my friend Claire.

We're casually dating,
and there's no need

for any further questions
about it.

Would you like
a glass of wine?

I said no questions!

SHELDON: And last
but not least,

this is one that I like to call
Star Wars Toast because...

it has a light side
and a dark side.

All righty, it's time for
Dungeons & Dragons!

Dungeons & Dragons.

That sounds about right.

You're gonna
enjoy this.

I designed it
especially for you.

Okay, but just for a little bit.

Oh, I have a feeling
that once you start,

you're not gonna want to
or be allowed to stop.

All right.

Ready?

You bet.

Your name is

Bernatrix.

You are a warrior queen.

You're strong,
beautiful and tall.

Oh. I like the idea
of being tall.

I think you're gonna like
a lot of things I have in store.

For example, in this world,
only the men get pregnant,

so your husband is home trying
not to pee when he laughs.

This is getting fun.
What's next?

You're parched and weary
from battle.

You stand in front of a tavern
that serves the coldest,

most delicious ale
in all the realm.

Oh, I haven't had
a drink in months.

What do you do?

I storm in, slam my sword down,

and say, “Barkeep, bring me
the strongest ale you have

and serve it in
the skull of a goblin!”

He wants to see I.D.

So, Claire, we've heard so many
wonderful things about you.

Really? Like what?

Uh, mostly Penny's
heard them.

Boy, you get some
dirty looks over there

when you ask for ice.

Zack, this is
my friend Claire.

You're hot. You seeing anybody?

Uh, she's seeing me.

Why'd you say she's your friend?

We're just
keeping it casual.

Why is he being casual with you?
You seem great.

I don't know. Ask him.

Why are you being casual
with her? She seems great.

Maybe we should
take a step back.

Take a step back?

I'm not a young man anymore.

No, I mean reevaluate what we're
doing with the guidance system.

But (chuckles) I got a baby
on the way.

I got to make some money.

What good is
money gonna do

if we inadvertently
bring about Armageddon?

Okay, let me stop you
right there.

We absolutely know

our invention will not be used
to destroy the world.

How?

Because no one from the future

has come back to kill us.

Very funny.

You got something better?

Well, not really.

Okay, then.

(toilet flushes)

Geez, how much wine
did you drink?

Not a lot. I just couldn't
start until you walked away.

The Hell Prawn lunges
out of the hot spring!

(die clinks)

You block it with your shield.

Do you attack?

Does it have eyes?

Three giant red ones
and they never blink.

It's unsettling.

I stab it in the middle eye!

(die clinks)

Good choice!

Critical hit!
Your sword goes

through its eye
into its tiny brain.

With its final dying gasp,
it says,

(high-pitched voice):
“You have reduced me

“to a pile of sushi.

“Enjoy me

“with this packet of soy sauce.

It's low sodium.” (groans)

Okay, I guess I should
eat the Hell Prawn.

Using your sword,

you prepare a beautiful
sushi dinner.

You slip into the hot spring
and enjoy the warm water

on your aching joints.

As you happily
close your eyes,

you recall the incredible
evening you've had

and notice that your...

(die clinks)

...feet and ankles are
smaller than they've ever been.

The end.

Wow, this night turned out to be
so much more fun than I thought.

Oh, the fun doesn't stop.

You're still going home
with a goodie bag full of toast.

Thank you for this.

You know, ever since people
found out I'm having a baby,

I feel like I became
Pregnant Bernadette.

It was nice to take
a little break tonight.

I can understand that.

From the moment
people realized I was a genius,

I've been Sheldon the Genius.

Although I've never really
wanted a break from that,

so I suppose I don't understand.

Which is ironic

'cause, you know, genius.

(chuckles)

Well, thanks again.

You're welcome.

And any time you need a break

from being
Bernadette the Pregnant,

Bernatrix the Warrior Queen
is here waiting.

I might just take
you up on that.

Well, mind you now,

that offer's only good
until the third trimester.

I can't risk getting
amniotic fluid on my spot.

Hey, dude, you're
killing me with Claire.

What are you talking about?

(scoffs) I mean,
come on, look at you.

You're classically handsome,
you've got a swimmer's body.

Next to you,
I look like me.

Oh, man,
I didn't mean to do that.

But I do appreciate you
recognizing my swimmer's body.

Which, incidentally,

I got from playing
Marco Polo at the YMCA.

Yeah, okay, just...
do me a favor

and stop talking about
how great Claire is.

Anything for you,
my little foreign friend.

So, I got to ask,

does Raj bring around
other girls?

Uh, you know,

I-I'm not really
around that much.

Amy knows much more
than I do.

I don't think you have
anything to worry about.

Raj is a terrific guy,
loyal to a fault.

Yeah. He still has
an AOL address.

I see what you're saying.

She's not so great.

Don't listen to him.

He says crazy things
all the time.

Uh, watch. Marco.

Polo!

So, uh, what are
you guys talking about?

Your friends were
just telling me about

all the other girls
you're dating.

Why would you do that?

I specifically asked you
not to do that.

We didn't.

You just did.

Wow. Maybe none of
you guys are smart.

Morning.

Morning.

Ugh. Too much wine.

Oh, I overdid it

myself last night.

Hair of the dog.

Hey, did you ever think about
the military applications

for the guidance system?

Of course.

Does it bother you?

No, it did at first,

but then I talked it through
with Frank and Alicia, and...

...they really helped
put things into perspective.

Who are these people?

Leonard, friends are
like toilet paper.

It's good to have extras
under the sink.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man