The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 17 - The Celebration Experimentation - full transcript

AMY:
So, Sheldon, there's something
I've been wanting to talk about.

But I know it's
kind of a touchy subject.

Way to narrow it down
to everything.

What is it?

Well, your birthday's coming up.

And you've never
let us celebrate it.

And I was hoping maybe
this year we could.

Oh, I suppose that's
a discussion we could have.

Okay, great, I mean,

it doesn't have to be
a big party or anything.

I was just...



Where'd he go?

W-Wait a minute.

You mention his birthday
and he vanishes?

Well, where's that information
been this whole time?

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

Well, where is he?

Sheldon?



I'll check his room.

Surprise!
(both scream)

Oh, my God!

Just one example

of how birthdays
can be terrible.

Now, can we please

drop this subject
and pick a new one?

Yeah, I suggest
"how thick can a soup get

before it becomes a stew?"

You know, the answer,
it may surprise you.

I'm sorry I brought it up.

Yeah, what is the problem?

Is it about getting older?

Please, look at this
porcelain skin.

I'm like a human sink.

But it's the one day a year
that's just all about you.

One day.
(laughs)

Right.

Can you please just tell me why?

Fine.

As you know,
I have a twin sister

with whom I obviously
share a birthday.

Every year we'd
have a party.

No one I invited
would ever come,

because they didn't like me.

I'm sorry.

Oh, that part wasn't so bad.

I didn't like them, either.

But then I'd inevitably spend

the whole day being tortured
by my sister's friends.

Oh, you poor thing.

When I was six, they told me
Batman was coming to my party.

I waited by the
door for hours.

Closest thing
to Batman I saw

was when a robin
flew into the window.

You realize none of those things
would happen now?

I do, but why do you care

if I celebrate
my birthday at all?

Well, you made
my last birthday so memorable,

I wanted to return the favor.

PENNY:
Yeah, if you had

a party now, you
have plenty of friends

that would love to come.

And we live here,
so we have no choice.

Yeah.

Very well.

You may celebrate my life
by throwing a party

with cake, presents and a
shower of admiration and love.

But then you owe me big-time.

You have any idea
what you're getting

Sheldon for his birthday?

He's been fascinated
with dinosaurs lately.

Maybe we could get him a fossil.

Well, just don't
get anything Jurassic.

He feels like that whole chunk
of time has gone Hollywood.

Hey, uh, you know,

he told a sad story
about how his sister

tricked him into thinking Batman
was coming to his party.

That's funny.

Let's do that.

Maybe we could get Batman
to actually show up.

You mean, some guy
in a lame suit?

Or a real Batman.
Hey, Stuart?

Didn't you try to get Adam West
to do a signing here once?

Yeah, but there was kind of
a scheduling conflict.

He, uh, wanted to know
when he'd get paid.

And I wouldn't tell him.

Can I get his contact info?

Sure, uh, but
just so you know,

he's kind of a diva.

He is?
Oh, yeah.

Won't take the bus.

He won't pack his own lunch.

Won't let you spend
the night on his couch.

Okay, so how do you feel
about party balloons?

Uh, Mylar balloons, yes.

Latex balloons, no.

Water balloons,
I will jump off the roof

and aim for your car.

All right, what about music?

I enjoy marching bands

and Tibetan throat singing.

No music it is.

What kind of cake
do you like?

Well, my favorite is chocolate
with strawberry frosting,

three layers,
and if there's

writing on it,
make sure it's not all caps.

I don't need my dessert
yelling at me.

Hey, so what was
Adam West like on the phone?

Uh, nice guy.

But it was a little weird
to hear Batman say,

"Don't ring the doorbell
or my poodles will go crazy."

You know, Adam West
is my favorite Batman?

Well,

after Michael Keaton,
Christian Bale

and Batman from
The Lego Movie.

Don't say that to him.

What?
He beat out George Clooney.

And that's something.

Like, I love me
some Clooney.

Don't say that to anyone.

Thank you so much
for helping us, Stuart.

Oh, I-I was just

glad to be invited.

To be honest, I don't always
feel like I'm part of the group.

Okay, sweetie,
we're on the clock here.

Can you hate yourself
and frost at the same time?

(door opens)

Hello, I hope I'm not too early.

No, no, no. Come on in.

And how is the radiant
mommy-to-be?

Doing great.

Y-You're pregnant?

Yeah.

Sounds like something

a member of the group
might know.

Yeah, birthday party first.

Pity party later.

Are you crazy?

How can you put Michael Keaton

in front of Christian Bale?

Oh, please.

Even my poodles know
Bale's overrated.

Thank you!

That's why I say
Keaton's number one.

He brought a sense
of humor to the role.

Oh, if you're gonna
factor in a sense of humor,

then I should be
at the top of the list.

It should be me,

Keaton, Kilmer,

Lego, Bale,

and that pretty boy Clooney.

Really?

You're ahead of Bale?

The man who personified
the words,

(deep voice):
"I'm Batman."

I never had to say I'm Batman.

I showed up.

People knew I was Batman.

Everywhere I went--
on the TV show,

mall openings...

Julie Newmar's bungalow.

I'm sold-- you're ahead of Bale.

There's another reason
I should be higher on the list.

All those other guys

had muscles built
into their costumes.

All I had in my Batsuit

was 100%, grade-A West.

Can we just all agree
we're worried about Affleck?

Sure.
Yeah, of course.

What's an Affleck?

Is there a reason I had
to leave my own apartment?

Well, I think
they just want you to see it

for the first time
all decorated.

But who's gonna tell them
they're doing it wrong?

Well, I'm... I'm sure they'll
ask you to give a speech,

and that's when
you just tear 'em a new one.

Have to say, you...

you do look good in that suit.

Oh. Thank you.

Maybe later I'll, uh...

get to see you
in your birthday suit.

But this is my
birthday suit.

Are you having a stroke?

Because that's the kind of thing

that just ruins
a birthday party.

So, Mother, I'm surprised
you came all this way

for Sheldon's birthday.

Oh, I was happy to.

He did come to my 60th.

Oh. You had a party
for your 60th?

Oh, I wouldn't call it a party.

Just a few close friends.

And your sister and brother.

You know, to be fair,
we did get married in Vegas

and didn't invite her.

And I never did thank you
for that, dear.

(ringtone plays)
AMY:
Oh.

Penny says everyone's there.
Are you ready?

(takes deep breath)
I am.

Oh. Wait.
Are you all right?

No, I just...
I got a little light-headed.

Oh, d-do you need a minute?

(exhales)
No.

No, if I can walk
past that pet shop

with the parrot in the window,
I suppose I can do this.

OTHERS:
Happy birthday!

(whooping, clapping)

Speech! Speech!

Come on, Sheldon,
say something.

Uh, um...

uh, thank you all
so much for coming.

Uh, Beverly.

Wil Wheaton.

Adam West,
for some reason.

Batman finally came
to your party.

Happy birthday, Sherman.

SHELDON:
Thank you.

This is all so thoughtful.

(heartbeat thumping loudly)

(panting):
Excuse me.

I still get paid, don't I?

Okay, I'd better go in
there and talk to him.

Well, don't you think
I'm the one who should go in?

No offense, but I've known
the guy a really long time.

Well, I've, you know,

seen him without pants on.

Again, no offense,
but so have I.

Well, he's seen me
without pants on.

Again, no...

Okay, this is ridiculous.

(knocking)

Sheldon?

Can I come in?

(sighs)

How do you know I'm not using
the facilities?

Because you e-mail me your
bathroom schedule once a week,

even though
I've clicked unsubscribe,

like, a thousand times.

So...

what's going on?

I don't know.

I-I looked around the room,

and I saw all the faces
and the presents,

and it... it was just too much.

I get that.

Hey, you want to just bring
a few people in here?

You know,
Wil Wheaton in the bathtub,

Batman on the toilet.

It'll be like
the weirdest Comic-Con ever.

I know that you worked hard
to put this together.

I'm sorry I'm ruining it.

Oh, pl...
You're not ruining it.

Look, at some point,
Raj will try to get everyone

to do the Electric Slide.

Now, that will ruin it.

I don't think
I can go back out there.

That's fine.

You know, I hate that
your sister and her friends

used to torture you.

But what I hate even more

is, if I was there,
I would have tortured you, too.

Based on this pep talk,
I'd say you're still doing it.

(scoffs)
My point is,

there was a time I never
would've been friends

with someone like you,
and now...

you are one
of my favorite people.

So, if what you need is

to spend your birthday
in a bathroom,

I'm happy to do it with you.

Well, everyone will
think I'm weird.

Sweetie, you are weird.

Everyone knows you're weird,

but they're all still here

because they care
about you so much.

(knocking)

KRIPKE:
Hello.

Some of us need
to check our hair

because we might have a shot
with Leonard's mother.

Leonard.
Hey.

It's been a while.

Leslie.

I can't remember
the last time we talked.

So much has changed.

Has it?

Yeah, uh, um,
Penny and I got married.

Wow, congratulations.

You know, actually,

I thought you'd be living
with Sheldon forever.

Yeah, well...

Don't be a stranger.

Okay, everybody,

Sheldon is gonna come back out,

but I think
he's a little embarrassed,

so let's all be
extra nice, okay?

What are you
looking at me for?

I'm a saint. (chuckles)

But a sinner in the sack.

Hello, everyone.

I-I...

I'd like to apologize
for my behavior.

I hope it hasn't put
a damper on the party.

So, just, please,
enjoy yourselves.

That's good.

(party chatter resumes)

Oh, this is quickly
getting out of hand.

If I may,

I-I'd like to propose a toast.

Um, thank you all
for coming tonight.

I know it's customary

for the birthday boy
to receive presents,

but I feel like I got
the greatest gift

the day he was born.

ALL:
Aw.

Hear, hear.
KOOTHRAPPALI:
Cheers.

Amy, that was lovely.

You know,

this is fun.

Let's do more.

Someone else say something
wonderful about me.

Sheldon,
I don't think everyone...

Wolowitz, perfect.
Everyone listen to Wolowitz.

Okay, then, uh, (clears throat)

Sheldon, (chuckles)

we've known each other
a long time.

And it is a pleasure
to work with you

and call you my friend.

Little generic. Keep thinking.
We'll circle back.

Wil Wheaton, go.

Sheldon, I know that we've had
our ups and downs,

but I can honestly say

that my life is
so much more interesting

because you are in it.

We may have met because
you are a fan of Star Trek.

But I have become
a fan of Sheldon Cooper.

Live long and prosper,
buddy.

And happy birthday.

ALL:
Cheers.

That's how you do it, Wolowitz.

Now you see

why he's famous and you're not.

Sheldon,

I know the future holds
great things for you,

and we all can't wait to see
what they are.

Happy birthday, dear.

ALL:
Cheers.

Someone call Animal Control.

There's a cougar on the loose.

Barry, stop.

Seriously, Barry, stop.

And it was Gandhi who said,

"Live as if you were to

"die tomorrow.

"Learn as if you were to live

forever."

And it was Sheldon Cooper who
said "Let's speed this up.

A lot of people want to talk."

Uh, in the past, I would've said
something obnoxious,

like, "Happy birthday, dumbass."

But I'm not gonna do it.

You and I have both grown a lot,

and it's just so nice
to see you all again.

So...

happy birthday, Sheldon.

Oh.

Oh, now, you know I hate change.
Say it.

Happy birthday, dumbass!

(cheering)

Happy birthday, young man.

And if any of you have enjoyed
seeing me here today,

I'm also available
for Comic-Cons,

bachelor parties,
bar mitzvahs...

I can't think of anything to say
that hasn't already been said.

So, here's to you, Sheldon.

Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.

Thank you, Bernadette.

That was perfect.

What? You gotta be kidding me?

Sheldon, we've been
together so long,

it's hard to remember a time
you weren't in my life.

And believe me, I try.

(laughter)

You make me laugh.

You make me a better scientist.

You make me crazy.

You're more than just
my roommate,

you're my brother.

Thank you.

Happy birthday, buddy.

ALL:
Cheers.

Thank you.
That-that was wonderful.

PENNY:
Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Stuart didn't get to speak.

Oh, oh, okay. Um...

Uh, Sheldon,

I've spent most of my life
feeling invisible,

but having you and everyone...

Hey, everybody, listen up.

You nailed it.

We've got someone
who couldn't be here

but really wanted to wish you

a happy birthday.

Hello, Sheldon.

(gasps)

Professor Hawking.
(chuckles)

Happy birthday to you.

Thank you so much.

I can't believe you're...

Happy birthday to you.

Oh, you're singing.
Well, I'm sorry.

Happy birthday, dear Sheldon.

LEONARD:
Uh, Professor Hawking,

if you just give us
one second,

we'll light the candles,
and we can all sing together.

I was crushing it,
but all right.

Okay, while they get
the cake,

Sheldon,
I just want to say,

I hope you didn't think you were
gonna get through tonight

without a hug.

(sighs)

You know, I used to hate
these hugs.

Now they're just
extremely irritating.

Ready when you are,
Professor Hawking.

And a one, and a two...

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Sheldon ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

...to you.

(cheering)

So, who's taking me home?