The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 12 - The Sales Call Sublimation - full transcript

SHELDON: I'm glad to see
you made it safely.

How's your hotel?

It's not the best Best Western
I've been to,

but I'd say it's...

the third best Best Western
I've been to.

I know how you feel.

The Best Buy by my house
is only the third best Best Buy.

They have
the best buys,

but having the best buys
isn't the only thing

that makes a Best Buy
the best Best Buy.

What makes a best Best Buy
the best Best Buy?



Mm, that's a great question.

I like when they're
next to a Chipotle.

Okay, well, I should unpack.

All right.

Enjoy the neurobiology
conference.

I will.

I... wish you were here.

At a neurobiology conference?

What a mean thing to say.

Okay, I'm glad you're not here?

Aw, you always know
just what to say

after I tell you what to say.

Good-bye, Sheldon.

Bye.



Oh! Good news, gentlemen.

Amy's at a conference
this weekend,

which means I'm available
to be entertained, hmm.

As today's youth might put it:
Who wants to get their Sheld-on?

Bernie and I are getting
the house ready for the remodel.

We could always use
an extra pair of hands.

That sounds awful. Raj?

Uh, I've got time booked in
the telescope room all weekend

scanning for rogue planets.

You're more than welcome
to join me.

That's the one to beat.
Leonard?

Oh, if anything,
I'm trying to get my Sheld-off.

Well, then it looks like we have
a winner. Congratulations.

Well, I should warn you,
it's just looking at data

for hours and hours
on a computer screen.

Uh, stop selling it, kid.
You won.

¶ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ¶

¶ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ¶

¶ The Earth began to cool ¶

¶ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ¶

¶ We built the Wall ¶
¶ We built the pyramids ¶

¶ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ¶

¶ That all started
with a big bang ¶

¶ Bang! ¶

Hey.

Hey.
Hello.
Hi.

How was your day?

Oh, not good.

Still couldn't get in
to see Dr. Gallo.

A doctor?

Well, I hope
you're not contagious.

I've got a weekend
in the telescope room

I've been excited about
for almost three minutes.

I'm not sick.
It's for work.

There's this doctor who refuses
to see any sales reps.

I've been trying
to get in for months.

Well, did you try
wearing the shirt

I said was
inappropriate for work?

Well, the doctor's a woman,
but...

yes, because
you never know.

What kind of doctor
is she?

Um, a psychiatrist. Why?

Well, what if you make
an appointment as a patient?

Then you'll get to talk to her.

Yeah, they already know
I'm a pharmaceutical sales rep.

Oh. What if Leonard
made an appointment

and tried to lay some
groundwork for you?

That's interesting.

I'm not gonna make
a fake appointment

with a psychiatrist.

What would I say
is wrong with me?

Low self-esteem.
Social anxiety.

Sexual insecurity.

None of that is true.

Uh, denial. See, sweetie,
the list goes on and on.

That's just crazy.

How would my going in there
even help you?

I don't know. You could talk to
her, and maybe if it comes up,

you could ask if she's heard
about the drug.

What if I get caught?

Fear of failure!
Lack of confidence!

Kind of a wuss!

Fine, I'll do it.

But not because of them,
because I love you.

Thank you.

Pushover.
Spineless.

Still hasn't bought milk

even though I told him
two days ago!

That was incredible.

It was.

I just wish Stuart
wasn't around

so we didn't have
to be so quiet.

I know.

It's not like
he returns the favor

when he watches
his Japanese porn cartoons.

(knocking)
STUART: You guys
got a minute,

or are you
still cuddling?

(mouthing)

What is it, Stuart?

STUART:
Can I come in?

Hang on.

(quietly):
Should I send him away?

No, it's okay.

STUART:
Thanks, Bernie.

What's up?

Uh, well, I know

the remodel is coming up,
so I thought I'd make it easy

on you guys
and find my own place.

Wow. (chuckles)

I thought I was done
getting lucky tonight.

So, when are you
thinking of moving?

Uh, actually,
I already found an apartment,

so in a couple of days.

Oh. Okay.

Sorry to see you go?

Okay, well,
thank you guys for everything.

I-I really appreciate it.

You're very welcome.

Hmm.

What?

Hmm, I just have never been
in this room while you're awake.

(door closes)

What are you doing?

Uh, making sure the telescope's
camera is white-field balanced.

Hmm.

What are you doing now?

Still making sure
the telescope's camera

is white-field balanced.
Oh, I see.

How about now?

Now I'm making sure
the telescope's camera

is white-field balanced and
wishing you had a coloring book.

Well, I can be helpful.

Give me something to do.

You know, my father
took me to work once,

and in ten minutes
I figured out

who'd been stealing
from the cash register.

It was my father.

Yeah, Dad lost his job,

but Mr. Hinckley
gave me a Fudgsicle.

Fine, you want
something to do?

There's about six months
of data on this hard drive.

Why don't you go through it
and see if you can spot

any patterns or anomalies.

Yep, I'm on it.
Hey, look at that!

An Indian guy outsourcing
a computer job to a white fella.

Yeah, okay,
whatever it takes

to keep you busy
for a few hours.

Found one.

No, you didn't.

There are millions
of data points there.

But, look, an
optical transient.

Yeah, maybe
that is something.

How did you find that?
It wasn't difficult.

You know how when you see
prime numbers, they appear red,

but when they're
twin primes,

they're pink and
smell like gasoline?

No.

Oh. I guess I'm
a special boy.

You know, sometimes
when a boy is special,

he gets a Fudgsicle.

Which, by the way, tastes
like the speed of light.

Thank you for seeing me
on such short notice.

Ah, it's my pleasure.

I'm curious,

are you related
to Dr. Beverly Hofstadter?

Uh, she's my mother.
You know her?

No, not personally,

but I have read
all of her books.

Well, then you know her
better than I do.

Well, I'm not so sure
about that.

But I can tell you
I do not agree

with her theories
on child rearing at all.

Really?

Any chance you find them
cold, cruel and unsuitable

for innocent little boys
who just want to be happy?

Well, I didn't want to say it...

No, no, say it. Sing it.

Rent a plane,
write it in the sky.

Sounds like you're holding on

to quite a bit of anger
towards her.

Oh, no,
I-I've worked through

a lot of that stuff;
I'm better now.

Mm. Good for you.

Do you know she never let me

celebrate my birthday
because being born

was her achievement, not mine?

That's heartbreaking.

Right? To this day,
I send her a card every year

with a little money in it.

You know, once we get
the house back to ourselves,

we can be romantic
in any room we want.

Great. I can finally show you
where the laundry room is.

Boy, who
would've thought

when you asked me to move in
and help take care of your mom,

I'd still be here
two years later?

Nobody thought that.
No one.

Well, that's it.

I guess so.

This is weird.
(chuckles)

Yeah. A grown man moving
into his own apartment.

Crazy times. See ya!

Ignore him.

He's just using humor
to express how...

happy he is.

It's okay. I know he loves me.

Sure he does.

Well, let us know
when you're all settled in.

I will. And I really can't
thank you guys enough.

(engine starts)
Our pleasure.

Bye.
Bye.

WOLOWITZ:
He's gone!

Let's start in the garage!

Okay, so once we receive
the next image

and compare it to the ones
we've already collected,

we'll know what it is
that we found.

Ooh, perhaps it's a
Heliosheath scintillation.

It could be
a trans-Neptunian object.

Maybe it's a new planet.

Unlikely, but it could be
a dwarf planet.

Well, as long as it has
a healthy gravity

and all its moons,
I'll be happy.

Okay, the final image
is coming in.

And the object
we discovered is...

Come on,

Daddy needs a livable planet
he can rule with an iron fist.

A medium-sized asteroid.

That's it?

How common.

That's the chicken fingers
on the menu of space.

I kind of like chicken fingers.

Yeah, me, too.
I was stuck for a metaphor.

Come on,
a medium-sized asteroid

is still
an interesting discovery.

I suppose it
could end up

on a collision course with Earth
and destroy life as we know it.

You dream different than me.

It is kind of cute.

Yeah, it is.
And you know we get to name it.

(gasps)

We better choose a name
no one can make fun of.

Sir Frederick William Herschel
didn't do Uranus any favors.

Hi.

Hey, how'd it go?
Oh, great.

Dr. Gallo is terrific.

You know,
I-I've always been insecure

that no one cares
about what I have to say,

but she made me see...

Yeah, no one cares.
Did you help me out or not?

Okay, n-now,
what I'm hearing

is that you feel that
I sometimes take too long

to express myself,

and you wish
I'd be more succinct.

You're only hearing that because

I cannot roll my eyes
any louder.

All right, well, after we talked
about my issues with my mother--

nothing too deep,
just how she ruined my life--

I told her about you

and your drug; she said
she'd be happy to meet you.

Really?

Oh, you're the best
husband ever!

So you'll go to the Doctor Who
convention with me next week?

I guess.

Oh, I actually did hear
your eyes roll that time.

(vacuum whirring)

Boy, when was the last time
Stuart cleaned this place?

No kidding.

Oh, okay,
I'm about to suck something up.

What do you think
this object sounds like?

Howie, I don't want to play
Lego, Toenail or Pill anymore.

So, what do you think we
should do with this room?

Well, I was thinking a
home theater or a gaming room--

you know, like a man cave.

Why can't it be a woman cave?

As long as it has a home
theater, a video game system

and you're not allowed in it,

you can call it
whatever you want.

I'm being serious.

Well, what do you think
we should do?

I don't know,

maybe a home office or...

Oh.

Look.

The teddy bear Stuart won the
night we took him to the fair.

(chuckles):
Oh.

He was so excited.

Yeah.

You know, no matter
how hard they tried,

they could not guess his age.

I'll give it to him
next time I see him.

Have you heard from him
since he left?
No.

You'd think he would've called
once he got settled in.

Hmm. Maybe he's busy.

Too busy to call?
He wasn't too busy

to binge-watch Hot in Cleveland
with my Hulu password.

What is happening?

Are we missing him?

No, that's not what
this feeling is.

Is it?

Of course not.
He drove us crazy.

Like when you were gonna
make that pie

and Stuart ate
all the blueberries. (scoffs)

And he tried to deny it, but
his teeth were all purple.

That was pretty cute.
(chuckles)

Yeah.

Ew, we are missing him!

So I was thinking,
maybe we can come up with a name

for the asteroid by
combining our names.

That's a great idea.

I've got it.

We'll call it... Cooper.

How is that both our names?

"Koo" from Koothrappali
and "per" from Cooper.

Yeah, s-so it's, like,
Kooper with a "K"?

Nah, you're right, that's dumb.

Hey.

Oh, Leonard, great news.

We discovered a medium-sized
asteroid together.

Wow, that's amazing!

I'm in a pretty great mood
today myself.

Okay. Guess we're gonna
talk about you now.

Well, we are, because
Dr. Gallo made me realize

that I'm a worthwhile person
and that my feelings matter.

I learned that for free from
a cat poster, but good for you.

Okay, back to me.

I discovered an asteroid,
and now I get to name it.

Wait, what happened to us?

Now, this isn't about us,

this is about what's best
for the asteroid.

What are you thinking
of naming it?

I haven't settled
on anything yet.

We haven't settled
on anything yet.

All right, way to go,
Cat Poster. You hang in there.

You know what'd be nice?
Name it after your girlfriends.

Show them how much you care.

That is a great idea.

It's perfect.

It appears romantic,
but it's really just

a rock in space that gets me

out of Valentine's Day
forever.

So, uh, what were you thinking?
Combine their names?

I like it.

Yeah, we'll take the "A-M"
from Amy and, uh,

the "Y" from Emily.

That's just Amy.

Exactly.
See how well we work together?

And in double-blind
studies,

Placinex proved extremely
effective in treating

all kinds of anxiety.

Actually, funny story--
the boys in the lab

were worried about getting
FDA approval for Placinex;

they started taking it,
stopped worrying.

Got it.

Uh, do you have any questions?

Just one.
Mm-hmm?

When you made your husband
pretend to be a patient

so you could get access to me,
what were you thinking there?

I just... meant a question
about the drug.

Yeah, I know what you meant.

Let's put that aside
for a minute

and talk about
why you married Leonard.

(whispers):
I don't wanna.

Here is a man
raised by an overbearing woman

who completely dominated every
aspect of his formative years.

Do you think

he's perpetuating
that relationship

by seeking out
a partner like you?

You know,
I used to wear tank tops a lot.

That was a big selling point.

Hi, Sheldon. What's up?

Good news. You're an asteroid.

Uh... please tell me
what to say next.

Perhaps I should explain.

While working with Koothrappali,

we discovered an asteroid,
and I named it after you.

(laughs):
Oh.

Sheldon, thank you.

That's so romantic.

But what about Rajesh?

He was okay with
you choosing the name?

Well, it took
a little negotiating,

but I wore him down.

Uh, we get the asteroid,

and if you and I have children,

they all have to be
named Rajesh.

All of them?

Even the girls.

Okay, I think I know
what to say now.

How can I not
sound like his mother

when our entire bedroom
is filled with Star Wars toys?

I mean, have you ever had sex

with a stuffed Wookiee
watching you?

I went to college in the '70s;
it was a hairier time.

I'm gonna say yes.

You know, if anything,
he's turning me into his mother.

Before I did pharmaceutical
sales, I was an actress.

You know, I was pretty good.

You know, girl-next-door type,
but hot.

Doable.

Hmm.

And not only
am I Leonard's mother,

but we have this man-child
living with us named Sheldon.

Oh, Leonard talked a lot
about him.

I wasn't sure if he was real.

Yeah, he's as real
as the fine I get

when I use
too much toilet paper.

Wow, you really do have
a lot on your plate.

I do.

You know,

Leonard's right.

Talking to you
is really helping.

Oh, I'm glad.

You know, you might also benefit

from a prescription
for anxiety.

Okay, if you think it'll help.

Oh, just don't
make it Placinex.

I do not need
sudden fits of homicidal rage.

I miss you.

I miss you as well.

I can't believe
I miss Stuart.

I guess I just miss
when life was simpler.

GIRLS (chanting):
Go, Leonard! Go, Leonard!

Go, Leonard!
Go, Leonard!

Remember, girls, you decide
what makes you happy,

not your emotionally
withholding mothers.

GIRLS (chanting):
Go, Leonard! Go, Leonard!

Go, Leonard! Go, Leonard!
Go, Leonard!

(whispers):
I really miss this.