The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 11 - The Opening Night Excitation - full transcript

English (HI) Subtitles.
The Big Bang Theory S09E11 [KoTuWa]
The Opening Night Excitation

(Star Wars fanfare playing)

♪ ♪

Guys, tickets already went on sale!
What?!

They're not supposed
to be available yet.

I don't know what to tell
you, but they're on sale!

What? Wait. You're sure
they're Star Wars tickets?

No, it's Steel Magnolias 2:
Even Steelier.

The Web site's frozen.
I can't get in!

LEONARD: Yeah, me, too.
WOLOWITZ: Same here!

Guys, they're gonna sell out!
What are we gonna do?!



All right, this goes
against everything I stand for,

but desperate times call
for desperate measures.

Lord...

This is Sheldon Cooper.

You're good friends with my mom.

I know I've spent my life
denying that you exist.

Got 'em!
And I will continue to do so!

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪



♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 9x11 ♪
The Opening Night Excitation
Original Air Date on December 17, 2015

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

I'm really happy
you and Amy are back together.

Oh, thank you.

I'm also really happy, but
I can't pretend it's for you.

New Star Wars in three days!

Hey, Thursday can't
get here soon enough.

I'm taking off work
to watch the original trilogy

while I eat enough Star Wars
cereal to choke a Wookiee.

Uh, sweetie, you do realize
Thursday is Amy's birthday.

And you do realize
I bought my ticket

when Amy and I were broken up?

I hope you didn't need anything
in that case,

'cause it's closed.

You guys just got back together.

You might not want
to ditch her on her birthday.

I think Penny has a point.
You can see it another day.

But someone might
spoil the movie.

No one can spoil
Amy's birthday for me.

Surprise! She's even older.

Who saw that coming?

Oh, that's nice.

Put that on her cake.

(whirring)

Oh, great. This again.

Arthur, what brings you back?

Uh, beats me. I-I just...

hope this isn't a-a sex dream.

In the past, you've come to me

when I'm struggling
with a dilemma.

And-and the one time where...
where you were afraid,

and you needed me for...
for a night light.

What's-what's troubling you?

Well...

my friends are telling me

I shouldn't abandon
my girlfriend on her birthday

to see the new Star Wars movie.

Well, sounds right.

Can... can I get out of this...

muumuu now?

Those are the robes of the Jedi,

the guardians of peace
and justice in the galaxy.

And they... they-they don't wear
underwear.

So, you agree with my friends

that I should skip the premiere?

Uh, do... do you
love this girl?

Yes.

But she knows how important
Star Wars is to me.

Well, maybe
you should show her how...

how important she is to you.

By seeing the movie
she'd want me to see?

Sheldon, you-you can see
this movie whenever you want.

But you only have
a limited number of days

that you-you can be
with this woman.

Be with her.

You're right.

Great.

Where are you going?

I don't know, but hopefully,
somewhere I can wear pants.

(cell phone ringtone playing)

Sheldon, what's wrong?

I wanted to let you know I'll be
spending your birthday with you.

Okay.

See, I-I had tickets to the
Star Wars premiere that night,

but Professor Proton came to me
in a dream dressed as

Obi-Wan Kenobi and convinced me
I should be with you.

Obi-what?

I'll-I'll let you get back
to sleep now. Good night.

Okay. Good night. Wait.

Um, Sheldon,

were you actually not gonna
spend my birthday with me?

It's late. Got to go. Bye.

Good for Sheldon deciding

to stay with Amy on her birthday.
I know.

It's still gonna be weird
to see the movie without him.

Well, we could wait a
couple days and see it together.

(loud laughter)

Hello.

Hey. We're going to the comic
book store. You want to come?

No, I can't.

I need to make preparations
for Amy's birthday.

Which leads me

to the following bit
of business.

This is my ticket to Star Wars.

I don't have to tell you
it is worth far more

than its face value
of $15.50.

I trust you'll give it
to someone worthy.

You got it.

Well, Penny might
want to join us.

This is my ticket
to Star Wars.

(knocking)
SHELDON: Penny.

Penny?
(knocking)

(knocking)
Penny?

What happens if
I say, “Come in”?

Well, find out.

Come in!

(knocking)
Bernadette?

(knocking) Bernadette?
Bernadette?

Come in!

SHELDON:
Keep it up.

I got nowhere else to be.

Just come in.

For future reference,
if I want to watch Mean Girls,

I'll stream it on Netflix.

We're sorry.
What do you need?

Well, as you know,

I'll be celebrating
Amy's birthday with her,

and I could use your assistance

in helping me select
the perfect gift.

Sure.
Well, so far,

I've come up with three ideas.

The first is a chance for her

to play the harp
with the L.A. Philharmonic.

Wow. You can really
arrange that?

Well, I said a chance,
you know.

When you tell them
it's your birthday

at Bennigan's,
they make a fuss.

I don't see why the Philharmonic
would be any different.

How about something
a little more realistic?

Well, Amy enjoys
knitting her own sweaters,

so I was thinking of getting her
an all-expense-paid trip

to the Wisconsin Sheep
and Wool Festival.

Sorry. I was waiting
for the bazinga.

Hold on. It could be romantic.

The two of them away together,

keeping each other warm
in snowy Wisconsin.

No, no, no, no.
She'd be going alone.

Well, if you think
I'm afraid of birds,

you should see me around sheep.

Okay, well,
what's the third option?

That I have coitus with her.

(glass shatters on floor)

What do you think about giving
Sheldon's ticket to Stuart?

I don't know.

Have you ever seen a movie
with Stuart before?

It's like going
with your grandpa.

Instead of eating popcorn,

he brings little pieces
of chicken in Tupperware

and a thermos full of soup.

He's not that bad.

Hey, Stuart, got any plans
Thursday night?

My, uh... my doctor's worried
about my circulation,

so I was thinking about
walking around the mall.

Why?

Well...
Hey, you guys.

Oh, make sure
to wear sensible shoes.

Wil, want to go
to Star Wars Thursday?

Absolutely.

Fine, take Wil.

See if he brings you
clam chowder.

Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay.

Let's-let's... let's just
recap our options.

All right, we've got
harp thing, sheep thing...

Wild thang.

Which do you think
she'd prefer?

Because I checked the Sheep
and Wool Festival Web site,

and there's only
8,000 tickets left.

Sheldon, being physical with
Amy is a huge step for you.

Yeah, are you ready
for this?

Intimacy in any form
has been challenging for me,

but I'd like to show her
how important she is,

and it feels like
now might be the right time.

Sheldon, that's
so beautiful.

Then it's settled.

Amy's birthday present
will be my genitals.

Thanks for taking me out.

Well, you're spending
your birthday with Sheldon.

Why not celebrate early?

So where do
you want to go?

I heard that new Mexican place
on Green Street is good.

Sure, sure. Or we could
take you to get a bikini wax.

Why would I get a bikini
wax for my birthday?

Uh, I don't know.
It was just a thought.

I think I'll just
stick to Mexican.

Great. And then maybe after,
we can watch a dirty movie,

and if anybody has any questions
about what happened or how,

we can answer them.

Okay, what
is going on?

Oh, we just want you
to be prepared

for any surprises
that might happen tomorrow.

What surprises?

Oh.

We don't want to
spoil anything,

but you should know that Sheldon
said he's ready to be physical.

You shut your damn mouth!

You actually heard him say this?

Yes. He said he wants
to do something

to show you how much
you mean to him.

(exhales)
I-I can't believe it. I...

I don't know what to say.

Well, we're really
happy for you,

and we know how
much he cares...

I do know what to say!
Let's get me waxed!

(whirring)

Why isn't it ever
Angie Dickinson's bedroom?

You're back.

It-it doesn't seem
like it's up to me.

I suppose you're here because...

I've decided to be physical
with my girlfriend,

and I've never done that before.

E-Excuse me for a moment.

(lightsaber humming)

Well, it was worth a shot.

So, can you help me?

Uh, all right. Um...

once-once the man gets

the-the woman out of her...
out of her bloomers...

Oh, no.
Not that.

I-I understand
the mechanics.

Oh, good, good. 'Cause, uh,

I have no idea
what kids these days are...

calling their-their parts.

I think they say “junk.”

What is happening to this world?

What-what do you
actually need to know?

This is an important night
for us,

and I'm worried
I might be overwhelmed

and ruin everything.

Sheldon, if-if you're
with the right person,

it-it'll be okay.

Thank you, Arthur.

You are the wisest of the wise.

Well, that's-that's very nice
of you to say,

but I think
I'm just an expression of...

of your unconscious mind.

Oh, sure. Yeah.

Well, you're fun to look at.

Tonight's the night!

Yeah, the wait
is finally over!

I know. Then you'll finally stop
talking about it!

Ready to go?
Let's do this.

Have fun, guys!

We will.
I can't believe Sheldon gave this up.

I know.

We're gonna have
so much more fun than him.

(singsongy):
No, they're not.

Knowing them, they will.

(indistinct chatter)

T minus 15 minutes!

Oh, did you hear
from Wil?

Yeah, he's on his way.
Time for bladder check.

Check.

Check.

Check. Wait.

Screw it. I'm holding it.

(crowd booing)

What is everyone
booing at?

(booing continues)

Hey, guys. What's up?

Um, hey, Wil.
What you doin'?

I was on Star Trek. I'm just
rooting for the home team.

MAN:
Star Trek stinks!

Yeah? Live long
and suck it!

(romantic music playing)

(knocking)
SHELDON: Birthday girl.

Birthday girl.
Birthday girl.

Come in!

Oh!

Hi, Sheldon.

Hello. Sorry I'm late.

I also got you a balloon,

but it floated away,
and I chased it for a while.

That's okay. Come on in.

Thank you.
Mm-hmm.

Um, I'll... I'm gonna go put
these in water.

Okay.

Ooh, this is different, hmm?

Candles and music.

Do you like it?

It's kind of spooky.

I can change it back.

No, no, no. It's your birthday.

As long as no one jumps out
in a hockey mask, I'll be fine.

(panting)

So...

What'd you have in mind
for tonight?

I thought I could take you out
to a nice birthday dinner.

If we pick a place east of here,
we might find the balloon.

Um, that sounds nice, but...

I'm not really hungry right now.

I thought maybe...

we could do presents first.
Oh.

All right.

Um...

I should probably tell you
something about this gift.

You mean before you...

(suggestively):
give it to me?

Yes.

May I ask you a question
before I...

(suggestively):
give it to you?

Of course.
Why are we saying

“give it to you” like that?

Sheldon,

I know your present is...

for us to be intimate tonight.

I see.

Is that all right?

I'm sorry,
but this is a litigious society.

I'm gonna need verbal consent.

Yes.

You know what, let me pull a
quick contract off the Internet.

So, if you don't like Star
Wars, why are you here?

Oh, I'm just having fun.

Everyone takes Star
Wars so seriously.

Like if the movie's bad,
it's gonna ruin their lives.

Is it bad?
Did you hear something?

Oh, my God. It's bad.
Somebody kill me.

See? That's
what I mean.

When you wake up in the
morning, whether this is

the greatest movie ever
or a total piece of crap,

your life isn't
gonna change at all.

He's right.

Yeah.

No matter what happens,

we're coming back tomorrow
to watch it again.

Do you think Sheldon's actually
gonna go through with it?

I don't know.

He said he's ready.
Yeah, but he also swore

this was the year he'd be able
to pull the guts out

of a pumpkin.

Well, I'm gonna stay positive.
I mean, we talked.

I told him what women like,
and after he stopped giggling,

he seemed pretty sure
of himself.

Hi.

Hello.

So, um...

should I get under the covers
with you?

All right.

(clears throat)

Hello.
Hi!

Why are you shaking?
Are you cold?

I'm just, um... really nervous.

Why?

Well...

I've been waiting for this
for so long,

I've just... built it up
in my head.

I don't know
what to expect.

Neither do I.

But... we can find out
together.

Okay.

I'm really nervous.

I know.

We've been waiting so long
for this.

And we've built it up
in our heads so much.

Guys, it's
just a movie.

That's true.

He's right.
It is.

Although, we all
remember Jar Jar.

Leonard,
I-I'm scared again.

Well, I enjoyed that
more than I thought I would.

Me, too.

I look forward to your next
birthday when we do it again.

That works for me.

I enjoyed that
more than I thought I would.

I don't think
I can walk right now.

ARTHUR:
Uh, Sheldon?

Sheldon.

Arthur.

What are you
doing here?

I-I don't think

I need any more advice.

I-I was just curious.

How-How'd it go?

Oh.

It was amazing.

I-I saw it a few days later.

What a movie.

But, uh, what-what about Amy?

Oh. Uh, uh, she liked it fine.

But she doesn't have the history
with the franchise I do.

Okay.

Good... good talk.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man