The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 8, Episode 11 - The Clean Room Infiltration - full transcript

Hey, how are things going
with your parents?

Not great. They hired divorce attorneys.

Yeah, speaking of attorneys...

...if I ever needed a lawyer,
I would not hire She-Hulk.

You know what? That was almost on topic.
I'm gonna say, "Good job, Sheldon."

- Wait, She-Hulk's a lawyer?
- Yup. She works at a law firm in New York.

Yes, but she's the only monster at the firm.

Between you, me and the wall,
I think she's an affirmative action hire.

Anyway, Dad's gonna be here in town...

...so I won't be able
to do Christmas dinner this year.

If you're not up to hosting Christmas dinner,
I'm happy to do it.



You can even bring your father.

That would be nice.

I've always wanted to do
a traditional Victorian Christmas.

Parlor games, goose and figgy pudding.

Ugh!

English pudding.

You get yourself all excited for pudding,
and here comes a cake with raisins in it.

I'm not going.

- You're going.
- Why do you hate me?

I don't hate you, I love you.

Well, you call it love,
but it has a lot of raisins in it.

Amy, good luck getting these guys excited
about a dinner with a theme.

I gave up when no one cared
about my Tom Hanksgiving.

I think a Victorian Christmas sounds nice.



- I agree.
- Me too.

You guys suck.

You know the best part of working
in the clean room? No allergies.

Check it out.

Oh... That's a lot of oxygen.

We should get going to Amy's.

Can you believe there was a time
when we would've needed an array...

...of Cherenkov telescopes
to detect cosmic particles?

And here we are, building our own
multiware detector like a couple of badasses.

Yeah, I know. If we were still single,
we'd be tripping over all that booty.

Ladies do love a man
dressed like a kitchen garbage bag.

Oh, no.

- How did a pigeon get in?
- You shut the loading doors, right?

- I thought you did.
- Do you know what a disaster this is?

Because this room isn't supposed to have dust
in it and we just let in a flying crap machine?

What do we do? Should we call someone?

And tell them we compromised
all the equipment?

Let's just get it out of here
before anyone knows.

Okay, how do we catch it?

Well, what if we turn off all the lights
except for one, and it'll come to it.

It's not a moth.

Don't yell. You're not gonna get good ideas
out of me if you're yelling.

Okay, okay, so if I remain calm,
I'll get more gems like, "Turn off the lights"?

Great, we're turning on each other.
That's just what the bird wants us to do.

So, Dr. Koothrappali, long flight?

- Twenty hours.
- Oh! That's rough.

Not at all.

Did you know when you fly transcontinental
without your wife...

...you don't pray for the plane to crash.

- Can we please talk about anything else?
- Forgive me.

- How are you and Leonard?
- Oh, great, everything's good.

- I see you got engaged.
- Yes, we did.

- Let me tell you a story...
- Dad.

Sorry. I'm sure you won't grow
to hate each other.

Hey, Leonard, what's up?

What?

How did that happen?

Yeah, okay, I'll be there as soon as I can.

Sorry. I have to run to the university.

- What's going on?
- There's been a problem with an experiment?

A bird got into the clean room?

- You want me to come?
- Uh, no, you had a long flight.

You stay here and relax.

Relax? Easy for you to say.

Your mother isn't cleaning out
your bank account.

Forty years,
the woman never cleaned a thing.

- You're just gonna leave him here?
- Relax, he says.

Yup. Bye.

Here comes Santa Claus

Right down Santa Claus Lane

Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer
Pulling on the reins

I appreciate the ride...

Bells are ringing
Children singing

All is merry and bright

So hang your stockings
And say your prayers because...

Why'd you turn it off?

Because in the last 10 minutes,
Santa came to town, kissed mommy...

...and ran grandma over with a reindeer.

I had a drunk uncle who did all those things.
Nobody sings songs about him.

Maybe you'd like him
if you thought of Santa as a superhero...

...and his power is bringing joy to children.

My uncle was accused of that too.

It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.

Okay, new subject.

Let's talk about presents.

What did you get Amy?

Oh, we're not exchanging gifts.

Come on, Sheldon,
you have to get her something.

But why should I?

She knows that I don't like Christmas and yet,
every year, she forces me to celebrate it.

Not only am I going to this foolish dinner
against my will...

...at the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe
and she kissed me under it in public.

Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show.

She's just excited about the holidays.

Yes, and she's not taking my feelings
into account at all.

Maybe it's time I teach her a lesson.

How?

Hmm.

Well, it would have
to be something heinous.

Something that makes her as miserable
as she's making me.

Oh, I've got it.

Oh. This is good.

- What?
- I'm going to buy her a present.

Yeah, you're gonna have
to walk me through that.

With gift giving,
there's an implied social contract.

If I show up tonight with a present and she
doesn't have one for me, she'll feel terrible.

Then you're both sad.

Yes.

And maybe she'll feel so guilty, she'll never
make me celebrate the holidays again.

So your evil plot here
is to buy your girlfriend a present?

That's right.

Stay on my good side
or I'll get you a little something too.

Okay, here's the plan.

I'm gonna put the food in the bag...

...and when he lands in the bag to eat it,
we close it up.

A Slim Jim?

It's all I could find. It will work.

Sure, if the pigeon's stoned or a trucker.

Okay, well, what's your plan?

I told you my plan.
Call building services and get help.

And admit
that we contaminated the clean room?

No, admit that you contaminated
the clean room.

Why do you keep assuming it was me?

Because you do this kind of thing all the time,
and then you try to cover it up.

- Like when?
- Ah!

What about when you flipped
the Mars rover?

Or lost Koothrappali's dog,
or almost drove off with that baby?

Again, it looked like my car...

...and the baby didn't even cry
until his mother punched me with her keys.

Fine. Put the Slim Jim in the garbage bag.

What if you said it
without sounding condescending?

I can try, but your plan has the words
"garbage bag" and "Slim Jim" in it.

Hey, what's going on?

Genius here wants to catch a bird
with a garbage bag and a Slim Jim.

Should've put it in the bag first.

So if you don't mind me asking,
do you think you might start dating again?

It's much too soon for that.
Why, do you know someone?

No. But if things don't work out with me
and Leonard, I'll give you a call.

Wait, how much do you talk about Star Trek?

Okay. Let's get this Victorian party started.

I've done some research about some
traditional parlor games we can play.

Like what?

Well, there's a fun one called Ball of Wool.

You take a ball of wool
and you put it right in the center of the table.

Then people sit on opposite sides of the table
and try to blow the wool off.

Sorry. She's taken too.

You know what your problem is?

You're jealous because you and I used to be
best friends until Koothrappali came along.

- You found somebody you could push around?
- Hey.

- Stay out of this.
- Okay.

You know, maybe I'm best friends with Raj
because he doesn't think he's smarter than me.

- Look, actually...
- I said stay out of it.

No, no, no, Raj, go ahead.
Say what you were gonna say.

All I'm gonna say is you guys need
to stop this right now.

It's bad enough that my parents are fighting.

Now I have to hear the two of you?

And who cares who's smarter?
If it's Leonard or me or...

You know, it's Christmas.
Let's say, it's Howard.

- Well, if you're so smart, you get the bird out.
- No, you're the one who let him in.

How do you know it wasn't Leonard?

Come on.

What about that sweater?

No, it's not good enough.
It has to be perfect.

I think the nicest gifts I got from Howie
show how well he knows me.

Oh, well, let's see.
What do I know about Amy?

She loves medieval literature.

Chaucer is her favorite.

And her eyes sparkle
when she watches old French movies.

And I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers
to dance as if she's playing along.

Wow. You really do love her.

I do.

Now, let's find the kind of gift
that makes her feel small and worthless.

You won!

Certainly doesn't feel like it, does it?

You know, my wife used to throw theme parties
like this all the time.

Oh. I guess that's where Raj gets it from.

He and his mother spent
a lot of time together when he was young.

I was always working.

Hey, you know, Raj is dating a doctor
who works a lot. Heh.

Him and his mom have a type.

You gotta laugh at that, right?

No? All right.

All right, let me see if I've got this straight.

A picture of you on my lap
is a way to punish your girlfriend...

...for making you celebrate Christmas?

Correct.

Santa thinks dating you
may be punishment enough.

There's an argument for that.

But I wanna make sure.

- Smile.
- Ho-ho-ho!

Okay.

On three, I'll shoot the fire extinguisher
and get him airborne.

Howard, you wave the blanket
and guide him towards the exit.

Raj, you open the curtain
so he can fly out.

Are you sure a dummy like me can handle
something as complicated as a blanket?

- Do you want the fire extinguisher?
- Yeah, I do.

- Great, here you go.
- Okay.

One, two, three.

You have to take the pin out.

You miss the blanket now, don't you?

On three. One, two, three.

What did you do?

It was an accident.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Relax, it wasn't your fault.
- Maybe it's just stunned.

Dude, it's not breathing.

Oh, no. I killed it.

Oh, not again.

What do you mean, not again?

When I was 10,
I was playing in my backyard and...

...I sat on a blue jay. Heh.

I mean, I tried to bring it back to life
with electricity, but it just poof...

...caught on fire.

And the worst part was it smelled delicious.

Guys, I found an article here
that says you can do CPR on birds.

- Great. Do it.
- I'm not doing it. You killed him. You do it.

- I'll do it.
- No. I need to do it.

This is on me.

Okay.

Mouth over beak
and light chest compressions.

Don't blow too hard.
If you pop him, I will vomit.

Anything?

I am tasting a lot of Slim Jim.

Wait. Wait, his wing moved.

He blinked his eyes. He's alive.

It's a Christmas miracle.

I might argue a Hanukkah miracle,
but I'll take it.

Come on, little guy, let's get you outside.
Get the curtain.

Someone should really close
that loading door.

Well, that's that.

The room's compromised.

They'll have to change all the filters.

Probably shut it down for weeks.

You were right. Go ahead,
call building services, tell them it was my fault.

No, we're both to blame.
You know, let me take the heat on this one.

Just leave me out of it.

If they come and see crap everywhere,
they're just gonna blame the Indian guy.

Hey. I'm sorry. We're still here.
Is everything okay?

It's kind of boring.

Although it did get exciting for a minute
when Amy inhaled a wool ball.

- How much longer will you be?
- I don't know.

There's still a bird here.
We're gonna get in a ton of trouble.

Honey, it's Christmas Eve.
Who knows you're in there?

Our names are on the sign-in sheet.

So erase them and walk out.

- Well, I can't do that.
- Can't do what?

She says take our names
off the sign-in sheet and leave.

- We can't do that.
- Yeah.

ALL Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh, hey!

Mmm. Amy, that pudding was delicious.

If you like raisins.

Thank you. And it's figs.

Oh. Oh, in that case, it was pretty good.

Are you okay?
You hardly touched your goose.

It smelled too much like blue jay.

Can I help you clean up?

You Heimliched a ball of wool out of me.
You're good.

What do you say we exchange gifts?

- Sheldon, we didn't bring any.
- I thought you hate giving gifts.

Yeah, I do, which is why I got Amy this.

You got me something?

Oh, not just something, no.

It's from the heart, it's holiday-themed...

...and I swallowed the gift receipt
so you cannot return it.

Look at you on Santa's lap.

That's so sweet.

Of course it is.

It's a perfect gift.

How are you feeling right now?

Guilty? Sad?

Wishing you were Jewish?

No, I love it.

Oh, really?

Well, how about now?

SHELDON
Happy Holidays to my dear Amy.

I hope you treasure this...

...as much as I treasure you.

And you got me nothing.

Christmas is ruined.
Let's never speak of it again.

Oh, this was fun.

Actually, I did get you something.

But what about our agreement?

Well, you got me something. Here.

Cookies?

They're your Meemaw's Christmas cookies.

I called and got the recipe.

They're perfect.

It tastes like her hugs.

Merry Christmas, Sheldon.

I can't believe this.

You're happy, I'm happy.

Maybe a holiday that's about giving gifts...

Get your hand out of that box.

Okay. The next game
is called Hot Boiled Beans.

Yeah, of course it is.

One person is sent out of the room
while the others hide a small item.

Then they invite the first person back
by saying:

"Hot boiled beans and bacon for supper.
Hurry up before it gets cold."

If you people think this is better
than Tom Hanksgiving, you're all crazy.