The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 15 - The Locomotive Manipulation - full transcript

Item 28: Your pet name for me.

Time's running out on this.
You need to make a decision.

I submitted you a notarized list.

I'm sorry, but "Gollum"
and "FIakey" are not acceptable.

Well, you don't like
"Princess Corncob"

you don't like "Fester,"
you're just impossible to please.

We'll come back to that one.

This brings us to the final item

in our annual
State of the Relationship summit.

Item 29: Valentine's Day.

Ohh! The worst for last.



Classic Flakey.

Before you get upset,

I believe I've come up with
a way for us to celebrate

the occasion that we both can enjoy.

People usually start
a meeting with a joke,

but you go ahead, end with one.

I propose we spend a weekend

at a bed-and-breakfast
in Napa Valley.

I hate every word in that sentence.

Including "in" "at," "we" and "a."

Come on, Sheldon. Why not?

For starters,
a bed-and-breakfast forces you

-to eat with strangers at your table.
-One step ahead of you.

Bernadette and Wolowitz
are going with us.



Very well. What are
the sleeping arrangements?

We've only been dating
for three years.

If we were to share a room,
people might talk.

I got you your own room.

What if my room has
a claw-toot bathtub?

It doesn't. I know it makes you feel
like you're bathing inside a monster.

Look, I appreciate the effort,
but I'm still unclear

how this trip is supposed
to be enjoyable for me.

We're going to have
Valentine's Day dinner

on a fully functioning vintage train.

Vintage? Be specific.

An Alcoa FA-4
diesel locomotive

leading a train
of meticulously restored

1915 Pullman first-class coaches.

Wow.

I'm feeling the urge to hug you.

And one... and two...

All right, Gollum, we're good.

I (THEME SONG) I

Are you sure you guys don't
want to come with us to Napa?

You could probably still get a room.

No, I think we're just gonna
have a quiet weekend at home.

Plus, I'm not sure it's a great idea

to take Penny
to where wine comes from.

What? It's a joke.

Oh, come on.
We bust on each other.

I wear dorky glasses,
you might have a problem.

It's all for laughs.

That would really piss me off if
I didn't have a buzz going on.

Howard, which pocket watch will you
be wearing for dinner on the train?

I'm sorry, what?

I'm afraid if we wear
the same pocket watch,

it will be embarrassing.

I don't own a pocket watch.

Oh, my.

Well, then my apologies
for bringing up this sore spot.

Since you two are gonna be
around for Valentine's,

would you mind
watching Cinnamon?

You have Valentine's plans?

Which came out sounding way
more surprised than I meant.

Let me try that again.
You have Val--

-See? I can't do it.
-I don't have plans,

which is why I booked time
on the big telescope that night.

Well, an evening looking at the
stars, that's still kind of romantic.

Except I'll be alone.

I'm trying to put lipstick
on a pig here. Work with me.

-We'd be happy to watch Cinnamon.
-Yeah.

Thank you. Oh, and I'd like
for at least one of us

to see some action, so if you
guys happen to have sex,

it's cool if she stays in the room.

Same goes for the
two of you with Amy.

What do you think, Sheldon?

It's magnificent.

This is going to be
the best Valentine's Day ever.

I'm so glad you like it.

I'm prepared to say I love it,

as soon as I confirm there
are no hobos aboard.

OK.

Raj, I got it.

Bye.

That was your daddy.

He wanted me to say that he misses--
Why am I doing this?

Happy Valentine's Day!

Flowers and chocolates?

Somebody's trying
to get me out of my panties.

Don't be surprised if you
find five chocolates missing

and three gross coconut
ones with a bite taken out.

It came that way when I bought it.

Got you a little something, too.

Oh, jewelry!

Oh, my God. Lakers tickets?!

It gets better. Instead of me,
you can take someone

-who will actually enjoy it.
-Ohh!

You are the best boyfriend ever.

Thank you. Seriously,
please don't make me go.

Should we take this little
party to the bedroom?

Don't have to. We have
the whole place to ourselves.

-That's true.
-In fact, if you want,

we can do it right here
on Sheldon's spot.

That is the least sexy thing
anyone's ever said to me.

-To the bedroom!
-Yeah!

And for the entr?e, tonight's
special is a seafood risotto.

-Do you have any questions?
-I do.

Does this train car have
the original link-and-pin coupler

or the Miller Hook and platform?

I'm sorry, I meant
questions about the food.

Oh, of course.

Is the seafood risotto being
served on a train car

with the original
link-and-pin coupler

orthe Miller Hook and platform?

I think we're gonna
need a minute.

it's neither.

They actually use
the AAR type "E" coupler.

If you listen carefully when
the locomotive disconnects,

you'll hear the characteristic
click, whoosh,

...thunk of the knuckle.

Get out of town.

I'm gonna
jump off this train.

Hey, Cinnamon,
guess who just did it human style.

Oh, my God!

It's a little late, but I'll take it.

No, Cinnamon ate the chocolates.
That's really bad for dogs.

Oh, crap.
What are we gonna do?

We gotta get her to a vet right now.

I don't have a vet.
I have a podiatrist,

an optometrist, an allergist,
a dermatologist, a urologist.

You'd think I'd have a vet.

OK. There's one not far from here.

-Come on. Let's go.
-OK.

Koothrappali was right.
We should have let her watch.

Do another one, do another one!

OK. Heres my impression
of the Amtrak Acela

barreling down the Eastern Corridor.

It's like there's a train
in your mouth.

Oh, yeah. I've got ons.

The Amtrak Wolverine
coming into Chicago.

I've been on that train.
And I just was again.

Bang! Splat! Thud.

How many trains
have you been on?

Tons. A box fell on my
head at UPS six years ago.

Now I just collect disability
and ride trains.

Wow. Your life's amazing.

Not always. A box fell on my
head at UPS six years ago.

Now I just collect disability
and ride trains.

-Why do I even try?
-I'm gonna fix this right now.

OK. Just make it
look like an accident.

Excuse me. You are at Valentine's
dinner with your girlfriend.

Now get back over there
and be with her.

You're right.
That was insensitive of me.

I have to go back to my table now.

-You should join us.
-All right.

Great. Now there's two of 'em.

-How much chocolate did she eat?
-A whole box.

Well, to be fair, you ate a lot of it
before you gave it to me.

So the point is I may
have saved her life.

I'm sorry, is this a joke to you?

No.

Maybe to her.

How big a box of chocolate was it?

Something like this. I don't know.

It cams free with a full tank of gas.

Really? Do you know how much
those Lakers tickets were?

-Do you know how much gas is?
-Hey!

-Sorry.
-Sorry.

Oh, my God, Cinnamon,
are you OK?!

I can't believe you two!

You do whatever it takes
to save her life.

If she needs new organs,
I'll buy any dog necessary

and scrap them for parts!

-You're the owner?
-Owner, father, soul mate,

and if anything happens to her,
your worst nightmare!

Well, she's not throwing up,
which is a good sign.

So, I'm gonna take her in back,
put her on fluids

and give her something
to absorb the toxins.

OK. OK, thank you.

If she's scared, you can sing to her.
She likes Katy Perry.

But don't do "Firework"
That gets her all riled up.

Got it.

Should have been a dentist.

OK, what was the best four-ten-four
US locomotive over built?

Trick question.
There never was one.

-Or was there?
-What?!

In 1944, the Pacific Railroad
built number 6131,

which rearranged
the drivers and cylinders,

solving the problem of the Q-1,

creating a duplex-drive
four-four-six-four.

In what world is a
four-four-six-four a four-ten-four?

A world I don't want to live in!

Seriously, I no longer want
to live in this world.

Hold on to your conductor's hat.
You crank the second and third axles,

creating a pair of
internal connecting rods,

and boom! Four-ten-four.
If you think about it,

the Q-2 was like the four-ten-four
America never made.

I may never stop thinking about it.

Amy, what are the odds
we run into this guy?

Better than you think.

You know, if you ask nicely, they'll
let you visit the engine room.

I never want this day to end.

It's feeling like it never will.

Come on.

Hey, did I tell you what
happened to me at UPS?

As if Valentine's Day wasn't bad
enough, you try to kill my dog?!

And with cheap chocolate, no less?

It wasn't cheap.
It was free.

We're really sorry.
It was an accident.

Yeah, we weren't even out
of the room that long.

No, come on. It was a while.

It was a while.

-Is Cinnamon gonna be OK?
-She's responding well.

We just want to keep her
a little longer for observation.

All right. Would it be OK
for me to see her?

We're usually in bed by now,
and I want her to know that I'm here.

Yes, we sleep together,
and sometimes we spoon.

It's OK. I sleep with my dog, too.

We're not supposed
to let people in back, but...

...I think I can make an exception.

-Thank you.
-Come on.

-By the way, I sang her Katy Perry.
-Oh, yeah?

And I don't care what that obnoxious
parrot back there says. I crushed it.

I think there's something going
on between the two of them.

Maybe, but you also think
nine minutes isn't a while,

so what do you know?

-You OK?
.Why?

Because my boyfriend's off
playing choo-choo with some weirdo?

Well, to be fair,
they're both weirdos.

I don't know what made me think
tonight would be any different.

Well, just the fact that you got
him up here still says a lot.

To be honest, I bet Howie 200
bucks it wasn't gonna happen.

I'm going to the LEGO store
to get a big-ass R2-D2.

See? It's not just Sheldon.
They're all idiots.

She's right.

So your boyfriends a fixer-upper.
Most of them are.

I mean, look at this guy.
You think he came like this?

When I met him,
he was a hot, goofy mess.

Now, he's been to space.

That's all me.

-l had a little to do with it.
-Oh, sure you did.

Who's Mama's big space man?

I am.

They've been in there,
like, half an hour.

Yeah, for future reference,
that's a while.

-How long should we stay?
-I don't know. I'm kind of hungry.

-I saw a Thai place next door.
-OK.

-How's she doing?
-How is everything?

She's gonna be OK.
They're gonna let me take her home.

Good.

So I want you to keep
a close eye on her

for the next 24 hours.

Here are a few warning
signs to look out for.

If you see any of them,
don't hesitate to call.

Thank you for taking such
good care of my little girl.

My pleasure.
Have a nice night.

Yes, thank you for all your help.

Yeah. I'm sorry if you didn't think
we were taking it seriously.

-We love animals.
-Do you guys own any pets?

-No.
-Good.

I love you so much.

I love you, too.

-Sorry.
-Sorry.

You guys missed
a pretty great time.

The conductor and I have
the same pocket watch.

-It was crazy.
-Dare I say "loco?"

Oh, and, Amy, guess what?

The conductor said as
soon as he gets off work,

he can come back to the bed and
breakfast and play his banjo for us.

OK. I need to speak to my boyfriend
in private, like, right now.

There's a car with a glass roof.
Want to go look at the stars?

-That sounds so romantic.
-Give it a rest!

Let's go.

-Why are you still here?
-Excuse me.

I think you're being a little rude.

I'm being rude? You've been
rude to me this entire evening.

How is that possible?

I've hardly spoken
to you since we got on the train.

I'm detecting a little
friction between you two,

and I don't want to be a third rail.

Get it?

I get it.

Leave!

-What is your problem?
-it's Valentine's Day.

We're supposed to be
having a romantic weekend.

Oh, really?
Because I remember you saying

that this trip was going to be
something we could both enjoy.

Did you mean that,
or were you just trying to trick me?

Fine, it's true.
I deserve romance,

and I didn't know how
else to make it happen.

Well, if you want romance,
then let's have romance!

Oh, look, there's wine. Mm!

Grape juice that burns.

Now let's gaze
into each other's eyes.

-You blinked. I win.
-Sheldon--

Let's see. What's next?
Kissing's romantic.

That was nice.

Good.

Um...

The conductor said if I come
back to the engine room,

he'd show me how to bring
the train through a crossing.

OK, have fun.

Do you want to come with me?

Really? I do.

Hey, guys, wait up!

There you go. All cozy wozy.

Here, let's see what the doctor
says to keep an eye out for.

Hm. "Rajesh, I was
dreading Valentine's Day.

Thank you for spending it
with me. Yvette."

Cinnamon, she gave me
her phone number.

If I'd known it was that easy,
I would have considered

poisoning you months ago.

Oh, what should I say?

Oh, I know.

I'll point out her names Yvette,
and that she's a vet.

That's hysterical.

She'll love it.

-Hello.
-Hey. You're back.

-How was your trip?
-It was wonderful!

-Great. What did you do?
-I made a new friend

who likes trains
as much as I do,

I kissed Amy on the lips,

and the conductor played his
banjo for me.

Good night.

Wait, wait, wait.
I'm gonna need more details.

Well, my new
friend's name was Eric.

Amy lips lasted like
the brownie we had for dessert.

The banjo-playing
conductor was missing a finger,

but he made up for it
with his can-do attitude.

No, hang on. Hang on.
Are all those things equal to you?

Hmm...

It never occurred to me
to pick a favourite.

Well, give it a go.

I can't answer that without
collecting additional data.

Additional data. You dog!

I'm not sure how listening
to other nine-fingered banjo players

makes me dog, but all right.

I (THEME MUSIC) I