The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 16 - The Table Polarization - full transcript

I'm thinking
about growing a goatee.

Oh, actually that's a Van Dyke.

A goatee is
just hair on the chin.

Oh. Wait, then what is it
if you just have hair up here?

You mean a moustache?

Moo-stache!
He said it!

Ha-ha, very funny.
Make fun of the foreign guy.

For your information, there
are four times as many

Indians as there are Americans,
so the way we say it is right.

Say what?
Moo-stache.

Moo-stache!
He said "moo-stache".



Guys, you're
being childish.

Yeah, she's right.
You're grown men,

the kind who are
perfectly capable

of growing your
own moo-staches.

Hey, you were funny
on purpose-- good job.

Hi. Sorry I'm late--
I was at an audition.

Oh, I'm sorry.
You'll get 'em next time.

How about instead of assuming I
failed, you ask me how it went?

Sorry. How did it go?

Just shut up.

Here, you can
have your seat.

No, no, no, stay there.
I'm fine on the floor.

Have you guys ever thought about
getting a dining room table?

Yeah. You actually do have
room for one up there.



Oh, sure, I sit on the floor
for years, no one cares.

The pretty white girl's
there ten seconds,

and suddenly we're
all running to IKEA.

No one is
running anywhere.

We're not getting
a dining room table.

I know you don't
like change,

but it's not a terrible idea.

Yeah, you guys never use
that space up there.

Why not get a table?

Do you want the long answer
or the short answer?

Hey, how come we never
get that option?

Chaos theory suggests that
even in a deterministic system,

if the equations describing
its behavior are nonlinear,

a tiny change
in the initial conditions

can lead to a cataclysmic
and unpredictable result.

Translation?

Waah. I don't want a table!

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 7x16 ♪
The Table Polarization
Original Air Date on February 27, 2014

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Hey, Penny and I are gonna go
shop for a dining room table.

You want to come with us?

You know, I'd love to,

but, um,
I'm too busy

falling back in love
with Windows 98.

Seriously? You haven't used
this desk in years.

The second I want to get rid
of it, you're up here working?

I can't talk right now--

I have several thousand updates
to install.

Are you really
gonna sit here all day?

Think of me as Arthur Dent

in Hitchhiker's Guide
to the Galaxy,

lying in front of the bulldozers
to protect his home.

If you'll recall,
the Vogon fleet

blew up the Earth anyway.
It's a made-up story,

Leonard-- I don't even know
why you're talking about it.

I'm putting all this
stuff in storage.

We don't need
any of it.

You... How can you say that?

You show me one thing
in here we can live without.

Oh, hang on.

Check your in-box.

Wait. Is this
really worth it?

We've lived together

for years with nary an argument.

Huh?

But we start talking
about a table,

and suddenly we're
at each other's throats.

"Nary an argument"?

"Nary"?!

Well, that means "not
one," or "not any".

Maybe instead of a table,
you should buy a dictionary.

Well, I don't know
if I won that,

but at least he's upset.

Check it out.

Magic wand TV remote!

Yeah, I can
control all sorts of stuff.

Did Bernadette
think it was cool?

Not when I said "mute"
and pointed it at her face.

Oh, uh, let me try.

Uh...

channelis changeroni!

This might be my second
favorite brown magic wand.

Well, that's the last
time I play with that.

I have to take this.

Hello?

Uh...

off.

And on.

And the Oprah Network.

This is so much better than
watching TV like a muggle.

Okay. Thank you.

We'll be in touch.

You're not gonna
believe this.

What's going on?

Oh. Wait.

On!

And off!

What's going on?

That was NASA.

They want me to go
back up to the space station.

Wow. What did
you tell them?

I told them
I'd be honored.

A second trip to space--
I'll miss you.

And I'm gonna
miss you, too.

I just want you
to know, I'm happy

to look in on Bernadette
while you're gone.

Thank you.
And if anything were to happen

to you, we will name
our firstborn son Howard.

I'm just kidding.

We'll name him Dalib,
after my grandfather.

Ooh, this one looks nice.

No. Sheldon doesn't like

reclaimed wood.

Why not?

He's afraid the original owners
will come back.

Yeah. Well, Sheldon's not here.

Well, he is here.

So unless you want
to dig him out

with a bone saw
and a melon baller,

there's nothing
I can do about it.

All right, sweetie,
you're paying for this table,

and it's your apartment, too.
I know, but...

No buts. You got to stop
letting him boss you around.

You're right. I mean, h-he
decides what TV shows we watch,

what food we eat,
who my favorite hobbit is--

I wanted Frodo, but we
can't both have Frodo,

so guess who's stuck
with Samwise Gamgee.

See? Right there.
You're a grown man,

you should be able to pick
whichever hobbit you want.

Wish you wouldn't, but
one problem at a time.

Y-You make a lot of sense.

I like this table,
and I'm getting it.

Really? This one?

That one?

Damn right
I like that one.

Hey.
Good news.

Someone in this room
gets to take a ride on a rocket.

Fine. Can I at least
shower first?

No, not that.

Although you already agreed
to it, so no take-backs.

What are you
talking about?

Sit down.

NASA called.

The telescope mount I
installed on the space station

got damaged,

and they want me to go
back up and fix it.

Wow.

Well, what did you say?

What do you think
I...? I said yes!

Why do you look
surprised?

Well, it's just,
after last time,

I didn't think you'd
ever want to go back.

Are you kidding?

It was the greatest
experience of my life.

Really? 'Cause I kind of
remember a lot of complaining

and wishing for it
to be over.

I think you have
me confused

with what's gonna happen when
you get out of that shower.

Hey, all set.
What do you think?

There's plenty of room
for everybody,

a view out the window.

My spot on the couch has
a great view of a window.

Sometimes I can see

space battles through it.

It's called a TV.

Give it a chance, Sheldon;
you might actually like it.

You're absolutely right.

Nope.

Well, you can't say he
didn't give it a fair shot.

So,
when can we get rid of it?

We're not.

What about
the roommate agreement?

It specifically
states

that any changes in furnishing

have to be approved
by the Furnishing Committee.

Which only sits
on alternate years.

Yeah, and
by the way,

it sits over there.

Come on,
that is ridiculous.

She's right--
a committee that important

should meet more often.

That's not what I'm saying.

Oh. This is the thing
about me standing up to him

and not letting him
run my life?

Yes.

That.

Okay. I think we've
found the problem here.

It's not the table at all.

It's you.

Me?

Well, it's always me--
take one for the team.

I have
spent years

turning this lump of clay
into an acceptable conduit

for my will,

and then you came along
and reshaped him,

with your newfangled ideas
and your fancy genitals.

Are you gonna let him
talk to me like this?

"Fancy" sounds
like a compliment.

Okay, I have not tried
to change Leonard.

That's just what happens
in relationships.

Look how much
Amy's changed you.

That's not true.
Oh, please.

When I first met you,
you were incapable

of touching another human being.

Now you're holding
hands, you're going

on dates, you even
made out with her on a train.

She told you?!

Of course she told me-- it's
the most interesting thing

that's ever happened to
her in her entire life!

You're too close to it,

but Amy has had
a huge impact on you.

You're right.

Without realizing it,
I've allowed that woman

to alter my personality.

Mm, Sheldon, you didn't
have a personality;

you just had some shows
you liked.

No.

No, I've changed.

Like the frog who's put
in a pot of water

that's heated so gradually

he doesn't realize
he's boiling to death.

Or you're the frog who's
been kissed by a princess

and turned into
a prince.

Or you're just
a tall, annoying frog.

Excuse me.

I have to break up
with my girlfriend.

Oh, Sheldon, wait.
No.

You've opened my eyes
to the truth.

Amy has made me
a more affectionate,

open-minded person.

And that stops now.

Well, we should call her.
Yeah, mm-hmm.

Amy, it's Penny. Hey.

Just a little heads-up.

Leonard bought a
dining room table.

Yeah. Sheldon's
breaking up with you.

Amy? Amy?

Amy?

I'll get right
to the point.

I think we need

to end this
relationship-- so...

just sign this

with your finger, and, uh,

please don't cry on my iPad--

I didn't get AppleCare.

I'm not surprised you want
to end the relationship.

I'm a little surprised
you didn't get AppleCare.

Anyway, enjoy your life.
Where do I sign?

At the bottom.
I must say,

I'm relieved you're not making
more of a scene out of this.

Oh, I've already moved on.

Besides, this breakup has
nothing to do with me.

Wh... It doesn't?

Of course not.
This is just Leonard

trying to take the focus
off that dreadful table

by sowing discord
in our relationship.

He's manipulating you
like he always does.

Wait-wait, now, hang on.

You think he manipulates me?

All the time.

And he knew that,

as your girlfriend,
I wasn't gonna stand by

and let him bring a table
into your apartment.

I mean, a table?
Come on!

It is hideous.

Well, thankfully,
I won't have to see it,

'cause I won't be your
girlfriend anymore.

Amy Farrah Fowler.

Why, yes, I would like
to take a survey.

Wait.

You were really
gonna stand by me

against the dining room table?

Of course I was.

Yeah, wait.

How do I know that you're
not manipulating me right now?

I think if I were
manipulating you,

you'd be smart
enough to see it.

How do I know
you're not saying that

as part of the manipulation?

I think you'd be smart
enough to see that, too.

Okay.

I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time--
I just had to be sure.

It's pretty exciting

that NASA wants
to send Howard back up.

Yeah, exciting.

Can I ask you something?

Course.

He hated that
entire experience.

Does it make me
an awful wife

if I don't think he
should do it again?

Not at all.

He's forgotten
how miserable he was

the entire time he was up there.

It's like me

in those moments
when I miss India.

So you'll talk to him?

Why me?

Well, I'm his wife;
I don't want to ruin it for him.

That's the dynamic-- I'm the
fun one, you're the buzzkill.

Since when am I the buzzkill?

Do you think this is cool?

No, I think it's stupid.
Aha!

You're right, it's great.

Hello.
Oh, hey.

You guys didn't break up.

No. Sorry to disappoint you,

but Amy pointed out that

you we only trying
to manipulate me.

Which you also
figured out by yourself.

Which I also
figured out by myself.

Well, I'm glad
you're still together.

Yeah, okay,
you can stop trying

to make this about
our relationship.

Which is stronger than ever.
Which is stronger than ever.

This is about you

trying to change
my environment,

which was perfect
the way it was.

But it got the way it was
through change.

The-the spot
that you love to sit in,

that no one else can sit in,
only exists because--

despite your objections--
I bought this couch.

Me.

So explain
why that change was bad

and this change was good.

Um...

You don't need to
explain yourself to him.

I don't need to explain
myself to you!

You're sick of his nonsense
and ready to move in with me.

Keep the table!
We don't use that space!

Damn it, I got cocky.

Hey, Bernie.
I'm home... Hello.

Hi, honey.

What's going on?

Maybe you should
have a seat.

Um... okay.

I know my mom's not dead;
there'd be balloons.

Um... okay. First off,

know that we all love you
and cherish you.

Well, I wouldn't...
Daddy.

You're great.

Can I say something?
Oh, of course.

Hey, Fruit Loops.

Massimino?
Why are you here?

Well, I heard you were thinking

about going back up
to the space station,

and as someone
who's been there with you...

well, you know how astronauts
need to have the "right stuff"?

Sure.

The stuff you have is wrong.

You don't think
I did a good job up there?

You did a fine job.

It's just, you were scared
and miserable the whole time.

I think what

we're all trying to say
is, you don't seem

to be remembering how traumatic
the experience was for you.

Like how women often forget
the pain of childbirth.

Like a woman.
Great analogy.

Fine, maybe I was
a little scared.

You peed in your space suit.

You're supposed to do that.

Not during the fitting.

Son, do I need to remind you
what you asked me to do

before you went
up last time?

Hang on. That was
just me joking around.

You wanted me to shoot you
in the foot.

Come on, how is that not a joke?
"You got to get me out of this.

Shoot me in the foot."

Don't forget all the other
astronauts picking on you.

And how you threw up
in zero gravity,

and it floated
back in your mouth.

And you threw up again.

And so on and so on.

That was funny.

Okay, so I wasn't

exactly John Glenn up there,

but I've changed;
I'm a different man now.

Yeah, and I'm
a little

insulted that you guys
don't think I can handle it.

You know you're gonna have to go
through survival training again.

Really?

You've got to get me
out of this!

What do you want me to do?
You're perfectly healthy.

Check my blood pressure again!

I can get it higher;
just give me a second.

Hello?
Hi, Ma. How are you?

How I am is not dead!

But you wouldn't know that,
because you don't love me enough

to pick up the phone!

Go, go, go!

For all you know, I could have
slipped in the tub and drowned!

That's what happened
to your Aunt Ida!

Wow.

Howard, I'm so sorry your
blood pressure was off the charts.

Oh, me, too.
I mean, the doctor was willing

to fudge the results, but...

it just seemed
so darned dishonest.

But the mission wouldn't be
for at least a year.

Isn't that enough time to get
your blood pressure under...

Look, my blood pressure's
too high, okay? Drop it.

You know, my aunt

changed her diet,
and in a few months, she...

Went to space?

I don't think so.
Now, pass the soy sauce.

Hey, not the green one;
the red one.

Sheldon, Amy, will you
please come join us?

Yeah, it's
fun up here.

So why are you
trying to ruin it?

No, thanks.

We're fine.
I mean, if you people

want to eat at the table,
then that's what you should do.

I like eating down here

because this is how
we've always done things.

But if those days are
gone, they're gone.

It just...
makes me sad.

Now I feel bad.

Oh, don't anthropomorphize him;
he's got big eyes,

but his feelings
are not like ours.

No, it just seems silly
for us to sit in two groups.

Well, it's not silly
if you think of that group

as being led
by a big, evil baby.

Look at Amy
down there.

Should we go?

Yeah, let's go.

But... Penny,
this was your idea.

You said that I should
stand up to him.

Forget it, Leonard.

It's over.

Fine.

Rajesh?

Screw that! I sat
on the floor for seven years.

I'm staying right here!

Come on, Raj, it's
not the same without you.

Fine.

But no more making fun
of how I say tings.

You mean "tings"
like "moo-stache"?

Well, isn't this nice.

Sometimes the baby wins.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man