The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 11 - The Cooper Extraction - full transcript

In the lead,
the left-side competition

Wow, you're really
good at this.

Well, I have an extremely
low center of gravity.

I'm like a pyramid.

How you doing over there?

Oh, I hope it's just a sprain.

I cannot walk into that ER

with another video game injury.

Hey, Sheldon,
you want to play next?

Oh, I would,
but I'm on my way out.

-Where?
-Texas.



Right now? Why?

-Is someone sick?
-Yes.

My sister's uterus came
down with a baby.

Oh, she's pregnant?
That's great.

You're gone an uncle--
Uncle Sheldon.

No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper.

How come you never said
she was pregnant?

Well, I never told you
about my brother's kidney stone.

You want to hear about everything

that comes out
of my family's genitals?

Well, congrats, and it's nice

you're gonna be
there for your sister.

Yes. I'm filling in for her
husband who's recovering

from a horrible motorcycle accident.



Lucky duck.

Wow, so, how long will you be gone?

Well, she's due tomorrow.

Although it did take her
six years to finish high school,

so who knows?

Can I give you a ride to the airport?

Oh, no, thank you, I don't want
to be an inconvenience.

Chop-chop, Leonard.
We leave in ten minutes.

I (THEME SONG PLAYS) I

All right, here's the deal.

Sheldon is gone, so the tree
decorating rules are out the window.

Yeah, which means
we don't have to use

his ridiculous
ornament-spacing template.

And I'm happy to report
its Kickstarter campaign

is holding strong at zero dollars.

Wait, so Star Wars
and Star Trek characters

can go on the same branch?

I know, it's crazy.

Welcome to the Thunderdome, people!

Woo!

I've never done this before.
It's kind of fun.

Yeah, if your mom could see
her little Bar Mitzvah boy right now,

she'd have a heart attack.

Good idea, I'll take a picture.

Honey, I'm a little strapped
for cash this year,

so for Christmas I was
thinking of giving you...

...this.

I love it.

Okay.

But it is what you got me last year.

-Yeah.
-And last night.

Hello.

Hi, Stuart.

Oh, good, I'm glad you guys
didn't wait for me to start.

Although you said 7:00
and it's 7:00. That's fine.

Oh, it's probably Sheldon.

Hi, Sheldon.

Everybody's here, say hi.

-Hi.
-Hey, buddy.

Hey.

-Howdy.
-Hi.

Hello.

The second
I go out of town

you throw a Christmas
party without me?

Yeah, kind of.

That's so thoughtful.
You guys are the best.

Hey, how's your sister?

She went into labor an hour ago.

That's wonderful.
So you're at the hospital?

No, she chose to have a home
birth, because she wants

to live in the Stone Age
and a cave wasn't available.

You know, many people believe

that home births are better
because the mother

is in a warm, comfortable environment

where she can be
nurtured by loved ones.

And turn the bedroom floor

into an amniotic Slip 'n Slide.

Shelly, come on!

Your sister's fully dilated

and she wants
a nice family picture

before there's blood everywhere!

Oh, boy.

I picked the wrong day
to wear my good robot T-shirt.

If you were having Sheldon's baby

would you really want him
in the room?

Yeah, if he's in the room
when they're making the baby,

I'll give you ten dollars.

Hey, I brought over
It's a Wonderful Life

if you guys want to watch it later.

-Oh, I love that movie.
-I've never seen it.

-Me neither.
-It's great.

It's Christmas time and
Jimmy Stewart's really depressed

and he's gonna jump
off a bridge and kill himself...

Don't need to see it.
Living it.

But then he gets to see
what the world

would be like
if he'd never been born.

Hey, you ever imagine
what that would be like?

Not being born?

What do you think?

What do you think?

What do you think?

You make jokes about Sheldon,

but if it weren't for him,

I don't think any of us would be
sitting in this room right now.

Really? Sheldon not being here

is the main reason I'm in this room.

It's true.

None of you would know me.

You wouldn't know Bernadette.

-You wouldn't be dating Penny.
-You don't know that.

I've been going to the
Cheesecake Factory for years.

I could have picked her up.

Oh, you weren't joking.

No.

Okay, sweetie, let me tell you

exactly how that
would have gone down.

I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna ask her out.

I'm gonna squirt chocolate milk
out of my nipples.

Sorry, I thought we're saying things
that are never gonna happen.

Maybe this time
he's going to do it.

Hope you're thirsty, here it comes.

Watch me.

Hey, you guys ready to order
or you need a few minutes?

-A few minutes it is.

You didn't ask her out,
but that was a lot of sounds.

You guys are making me nervous.

Fine, then go talk to her
on your own.

I will.

-Excuse me.
-Yeah?

Hi... I'm Leonard?

Really? You don't sound so sure.

No, I am he.

Anyway...

There's been something I've wanted
to ask you for a long time.

What's that?

I was wondering,
if you're not too busy...

...if you'd be interested in...

...telling me where the restroom is?

I think you're too late.

Come on, I would not
have peed my pants.

-She nailed it.
-Sounds about right.

But, you forget,
I did ask you out in real life.

Which couldn't have happened
if you didn't live across the hall from her

which couldn't have
happened without Sheldon.

Same goes with you guys.

If Leonard wasn't with Penny,

she never would have set you up.

Doesn't matter.
Bernadette still would've been working

at The Cheesecake Factory,

and I still would've been
working this beefcake factory.

You would've been all over me.

Well....

Hey, Penny, can I take that table?

Sure, why?

The one in the turtleneck is cute.

Open wide,
here comes the happy train.

Mm-HM...
Chug-a chug-a, yum, yum.

Hang on.

You got a...
You got a little something.

Never mind.

-Oh, man, that is so us.

You know, maybe you and I
wouldn't be together,

but you wouldn't have
done so great yourself.

-Why?
-Because I know exactly

the kind of guy you
would've ended up with.

Hey, babe.

Hey. Did you remember
to pay the rent?

Better. I used the money
to buy these magic beans.

He may be an idiot, but at least
he didn't pee himself.

Hold on.

Aw, babe, I peed myself.

Me, too.

The end.

Hi, Sheldon.

Everything okay?

No, it's not.

I've seen things.

Lady things.

Listen to me.

That is not the way
they usually look.

It doesn't matter.

This is no way
to make new humans.

People coming out of people.

It's some kind of dirty magic show.

Sheldon Lee Cooper.

You get back
in this room right now.

And bring a mop.

Did you hear that?

A mop.

I have two PhDs yet
somehow I'm the janitor

of my sister's birth canal.

Hey, Sheldon sent us all
an e-mail.

"Happy holidays from Texas."

And there's pictures.

Ah! Don't open them.
Do not open them.

Oh, come on.
Childbirth is a natural, beautiful--

Oh, it's like someone
sawed a cow in half.

My father's a gynecologist,
I think I can handle it.

And, now I'm gay.

You know, I was thinking,

without Sheldon most of us
would have never met,

but Penny would still
live across from him.

And with Leonard out of the picture,

we all know what that would mean.

We do?

Hey, Sheldon.

Hello.

Doing laundry?

Of course I'm doing laundry.

Saturday night is laundry night,

and I'm in a laundry room, so...

I believe your inference is justified.

My inference is justified.

Sheldon, you are so funny.

Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too,

because these clothes are so dirty.

Almost as dirty as the dirty girl
who's wearing them.

Okay, that's enough.

-Disagree.
-Keep going.

So, what do you think?

A tad asymmetrical,
but nothing to be concerned about.

Please, Sheldon. I need you.

To. .. what?

To take me.

I'm not taking you anywhere
till you put on a shirt.

Come on, Sheldon.
You and me right here.

Penny, for the thousandth time,

I'm saving myself
for someone special.

Perhaps a cute
bespectacled neuroscientist

with hair the color of mud.

I think I know how
to change your mind.

-That's enough.

I was okay with it.

How's it going, Sheldon?

Actually, much better.

Oh, good.
Is the baby born yet?

I don't know
I just got back.

Where'd you go?

My mother asked me
to get some towels.

I took advantage
of the vague request

and went to Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Excuse me! I'm on the phone!

So rude.

Here's another one.
Penny, if it weren't for Sheldon,

you never would have met
comic book legend Stan Lee.

Great.

At least Leonard, Howard and I
would have always been friends.

Hey, how come you three never
got an apartment together?

We talked about it,
but Howard was in

a pretty serious
relationship with his mom.

I lived with her to save money.

Yeah, you didn't have
to buy groceries

because you were breast-feeding.

So I guess if it weren't for me,

you'd still be living with her, huh?

Not exactly.

What do you mean, not exactly?

Well, things would be
a little different.

Howard, where is my lunch? I'm starving!

I know you're starving.
The neighbors know you're starving.

There's starving people in Africa
who know you're starving!

That's it?
There's not enough food!

Well, you cleaned out Earth!
I don't know what else to do!

How is this any different?

You didn't let me finish.

Here you go, Mother.

You're a good boy, Howard!

Such a good boy!

Walt, did she die
or did you kill her?

Tomato, tomahto.
The important thing is she's dead.

Hey, so how come you two
didn't move in together?

This guy wanted
a place of his own

because he was sure he was
gonna be a ladies' man.

Yeah, I was wrong.

But I do think you and I
would have had a great time.

Come on, Leonard, dinner.

Coming.

Hang on.

Why would I be fat?

You'd have no girlfriend
to see you naked,

you'd try to fill the void
with food,

and I'm an enabler who once
deep-fried a pancake.

Why can't you be fat too?

What do you want
to do for dessert?

I think there's still
half a cake from breakfast.

No, there's not.

Hey, guys.

Stuart!

What are you doing?

I... (CLEARS THROAT)

...just wanted to be
in anyone's story.

Yeah, but why are you fat?

Because Leonard was fat.

Amy, what about you?

What do you think you'd be doing
if you never met Sheldon?

It's hard to say,

my life would be so... different.

You can say "better."
Sheldon can't hear you.

I don't know.

I (SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY") I

I There's tears in the frosting I

I (CONTINUES SINGING) I

I'll stop now.

How's it going, Sheldon?

That's it.

The baby's here.

It's a boy.

Congrats.

Oh, thank you.

I wasn't sure I was
going to make it.

But my mother
gave me some ice chips,

my sister told me to breaths.

And I just thought
to myself "Sheldon,

if you can make it through
the Green Lantern movie,

you can make it through this. "

Well, good for you, buddy.

We'll let you get back in there.

No, no, I'm not
going back in there.

That baby is so irritating.

He has literally been crying
his entire life.

Oh, he's already taking
after Uncle Shelly.

-Come on, Sheldon, you should go.
-Why?

Well, you always
complain that you never

had an intelligent
role model growing up,

and now you can
be one for your nephew.

All right, I'll go.

But from what I've seen,
his attention span

is as limited as his bladder control.

You actually got him to do it.

Yeah, you keep saying how much
Sheldon has affected all of us,

but you've clearly
had an impact on him.

If that were true,
I wouldn't still be living alone.

Well, not exactly alone.

I do have a 50 pound sack of rice

with one of Sheldon's T-shirts on it.

I'm telling you, Sheldon cares
for you more than you think.

I wish I could believe you.

I also wish there wasn't a mouse
living in Rice Sheldon.

Hang on, I'm gonna give you a little
early Christmas present.

I'm gonna show you something,
but if you ever told Sheldon,

he'd probably never
speak to me again.

So, if you want to tell him,
that's fine.

Look.

I don't understand.

He made you his screensaver.

Oh.

Wow.

I had no idea.

He is so into me.

Wait, wait, where'd I go?

Oh, well, it's you, Swamp Thing,

Stephen Hawking, Spider-Man-
but, look, you're in the mix.

I am in the mix.
And I'm the hottest one.

Who's that?

-Oh, Madame Curie.
-That's fine, she's dead.

You okay?

Just really glad you're back.

Me, too.

I got a lot of TV to catch up on.

I missed you.

To quote Han Solo, "I know."

Did you miss me?

I would've preferred
to have you there with me.

Oh...

Or instead of me.

Did you hold the baby?

-l did.
-And?

How did it make you feel?

Looking into the blank, innocent eyes

of a creature that couldn't begin to
comprehend anything I was saying?

Basically just another day
at the office.

I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna ask her out.

Yeah, and chocolate milk is
gonna squirt out of my nipples.

Put up or shut up.
You make it, I'll drink it.

You guys need anything else?

Your phone number
and one more cheesecake.

I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend.

In fact, there he is now.

Ready to go, sweetheart?

Not until I get my kiss.