The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 2, Episode 17 - The Terminator Decoupling - full transcript

Okay, Raj.

Hand me the #6 Torx screwdriver.

Stop.

We can't do this. It's not right.

Sheldon, you have two choices.

ther you let him put a
bigger hard drive in the TiVo,

or you delete stuff
before we go out of town.

But once you open the box,
you've voided the warranty.

The warranty is a sacred covenant we've
entered into with the manufacturer.

He offers to stand by his
equipment, and we in return

agree not to violate the
integrity of the internal hardware.



This little orange sticker is all
that stands between us and anarchy.

Okay, then we won't
touch the hard drive.

We'll just erase the
first season of Battlestar.

There. We're outlaws.

Here you go, Leonard. Is
this going to be big enough?

It's perfect.

For taking daffodils to your unicorn.

It's just for my
notebooks. Thanks, Penny.

I love San Francisco. I
wish I was going with you.

I understand your envy.
Thiss a can't-miss symposium.

There are going to be discussions on
bioorganic cellular computer devices,

the advancements in
multi-threaded task completion,

plus a roundtable on the
nonequilibrium Green's function approach

to the photoionization process in atoms.



When I go, I usually just get
hammered and ride the cable cars.

This conference is kind of a big thing.

The keynote address is being
delivered by George Smoot.

Oh, my God, the George Smoot?

- You've heard of him?
- Of course I haven't.

George Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning
physicist, one of the great minds of our time.

His work in black body form and anisotropy
of the cosmic microwave background radiation

cemented our understanding
of the origin of the universe.

It's kind of a funny
name, though-- "Smoot."

It's like talking to a chimp.

Okay, now that I've been completely
insulted, have a good flight.

Yeah, I wish.

We're not flying.
We're taking the train.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, cool. Seven times as long as
flying, and costs almost twice as much.

Well, then why are you doing it?

Well, we had a vote. Three
of us voted for airplane.

Sheldon voted for train.
So we're taking the trn.

Don't say it like that, Leonard.

Say it like: We're taking the train!

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The Big Bang
Theory Season02 Episode17

Hey, we're all going over to the Apple store
to make fun of the guys at the Genius Bar.

You want to come?

Oh, I always enjoy that,
but I'm a little busy.

What are you doing?

I'm simplifying the task
of packing for our trip.

See, by attaching RFID tags to my
clothing, it will able my laptop

to read and identify
the items with this wand.

I will then cross-reference them against
destination, anticipated activity spectrum,

weather conditions,
duration of trip, et cetera.

Well, that does sound much simpler.

How long is this going to take?

Assuming I can keep up this
pace, three hours, 11 minutes,

and plus however long tak to conclude
this fairly pointless conversation.

Teasing the guys at the Apple
store seems a little redundant now.

- I don't follow.
- I wouldn't expect you to. I'll see you later.

Socks:one pair, cotton, argyle, blue.

Socks: one pair, cotton, argyle, blue.

What on earth are you doing?

Whatever it is, I'm guessing
we're doing it wrong.

Gentlemen, this is the Coast Starlight,

one of the great American trains operating
on one of the classic American routes.

On this side, you'll see panoramic ocean vistas
inaccessible to any other form of transportation,

while on your side, you'll be
treated to 350 miles of CostCos,

Jiffy Lubes, and cinderblock
homes with above-ground pools.

Come on, Raj.

What's wrong with Jiffy Lubes?

No.

- Why not?
- That's over the wheelbase.

Are you completely unfamiliar
with the suspension characteristics

of a pre-1980 Pullman-built
Superliner Deluxe passenger coach?

Sheldon, we've been on
this train 90 seconds,

and you've already
said a thousand words.

Just tell us where to sit and shut up.

Here.

I'm hoping once you reap the endorphic rewards of the
steady clickety-clack of steel wheels on polished rails,

your sour disposition will abate.

Yeah, maybe.

Meanwhil back in the 21st century,
people are raising their tray tables

and putting their seat-backs in an upright
position 'cause it's time to land in San Francisco.

It's not so bad, really.

At least these trains
have modern plumbing.

In India, you squat over a hole in the
train and expose your naked buttocks

to the chilly air of Rajasthan.

He is referring, of course, to third class on
Indian Railways' magnificent Ranakpur Express

and its 1,200-kilometer journey from
Maharashtra to the Bikaner Junction.

Oh, look, now he's boring
on an international scale.

Holy crap! Look!

Is that who I think it is?

It can't be. What would Summer
Glau be doing riding the train?

Maybe John Connor's aboard and she's
protecting him from an evil Terminator.

Unlikely. That's a
television show, Leonard.

Thank you.

Of course, if SkyNet actually
did exist in the future,

a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy
mankind would be to send Terminators back posing

as actors who have played Terminators
in popular films and television series,

lulling us into a false
sense of security, i.e.,

"That's Summer Glau "from
The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

No, Summer, don't kill
me!" I'm pro-robot! Ahh!"

At least he's off the train crap.

Whee!

Sheldon, I owe you an apology.

Taking the train was
a stroke of brilliance!

I've actually got a
shot at a Terminator.

Oh, please.When it comes to Terminators,

you've got a better shot of
scoring with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

You're overlooking something.

I have 11 hours with
her in a confined space.

Unless she's willing to jump off a moving
train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill,

she will eventually succumb to the
acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.

My money's on tuck and roll.

I'm confused.

I thought you were involved in some sort of
socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle.

- Sheldon, let me explain to you how this works.
- All right.

- That's Summer Glau.
- Yes.

That's it.

Hang on a sec. Why do you
get first crack at her?

Um, well, let's see, couple
reasons. One, I saw her first.

No, you didn't. I did.

Fair enough. But... then,
let me move on to #2.

Unlike you, I can actually
talk to women when I'm sober.

You fail to take into account that
even mute, I am foreign and exotic,

while you, on the other
hand, are frail and pasty.

Well, you know the old saying,
Pasty and frail never fail.

Excuse me, but what about me?

Why don't I get a shot?

Fine, go ahead. Take a shot.

You know, I've already got a gorgeous
blonde back home at I can't score with.

I think I'll let you two take this one.

Sheldon, is there a place
on this train to get alcohol?

Interesting that you ask.

The Coast Starlight recently added
the refurbished Pacific Parlour Car.

Built in 1956 and originally
known as the Santa Fe Lounge Car,

- the lower level is a theater and
the upper level - Yeah-yeah, which way?

is a bar that offers wine tastings
if you're going as far as Portland.

So aren't you going to go talk to her?

I will, I'm just working
on my opening line.

She's probably heard every
possible line, Howard.

Why don't you just try "hello"?

No, no, no, that
always creeps girls out.

I need to come up with something that's
funny, smart and delicately suggests

that my sexual endowment is
disproportionate to my physical stature.

You're going to need more than 11 hours.

Oh, no.

What's the matter?

I forgot my flash drive.

- So?
- So we have to go back.

Okay, Sheldon, I'm going to say "why" and your
answer cannot be because I forgot my flash drive.

You don't understand.

My flash drive has my paper on astrophysical
probes of M-theory effects in the early universe

that I was going to give to
George Smoot at the conference.

Why do you have to give
your paper to George Smoot?

It's brilliant. He needs to read it.

So you'll send him an
e-mail when we get back.

Then I won't get to see his
face light up as he reads it.

Right. Of course.

Oh, this is an unmitigated disaster.

Well, there's nothing you
can do about it, so relax.

Sit back, enjoy the clickety-clack of
the steel wheels on the polished rails.

You forgot your flash drive

You forgot your flash drive

Only ten hours, 55 minutes to go.

It's hot in here. Must be Summer.

So... where you gals headed?

Okay, I've found the perfect solution.

We get off the train at
the next stop in Oxnard.

We then take the 1:13
train back to Union Station.

We take a cab back to the apartment, get my
flash drive, and then race to San Luis Obispo,

where, assuming the lights are with us
and minimal traffic, we'll meet the train.

I've got a better idea.

Are you going to be sarcastic?

Boy, you take all the
fun out of it for me.

Look, Penny's home. Why don't we just
call her, have her go in the apartment,

get your flash drive
and e-mail you the paper?

- But the flash drive is in a locked drawer in my desk.
- So?

- The key is hidden in my room.
- So?

- Penny would have to go into my room.
- So?

People don't go in my room!

I see. Well, it seems once again, you're
caught between a rock and a crazy place.

Oh, I te when that happens.

It's hot in here. It must be Summer.

It's hot in here. Must be Summer.

It's hot in here. Must be Summer.

It's hot in here. Must be Summer.

- That's cute.
- Really? I just made it up.

Have you seen Slumdog Millionaire?

Oh, yeah, I loved it.

It's loosely based on my life.

Yeah, we're putting the play on for one night
in this little 99-seat theater. Can you come?

Oh, great.

Do you know 98 other people
that might want to come?

Oh, hang on.

- Hello?
- Listen carefully.

I'm about to give you a set of instructions,
which you must follow to the letter.

Just a sec.

The theater is above a bowling
alley, so it's a little noisy,

but it might be the only chance
I'll ever get to play Anne Frank.

And the director is brilliant.

He uses the bowling sounds
as, like, Nazi artillery.

Okay, great, I'll see you then. Hello?

Okay, step four.

Do you see that small
plastic case on my dresser?

Your dresser? Who is this?

It's Sheldon.

Oh, hey, Sheldon! How is San Francisco?

I'm not in San Francisco. I'm on a
train. Were you even listening to me?

Uh, no, I was talking to
my friend, but what's up?

What's up? I'll tell you what's up.

I'm in a crisis situation, and I need you
to marshal your powers of concentration,

- limited as they may be...
- Give me the phone.

Hi, Penny. It's Leonard.

Hey, Leonard. What's
going on with Dr. Wkadood?

He's calling to ask you a favor.

You might be confused because he didn't use the
words, Penny, "Sheldon," "please" or "favor."

Okay. Enough chitchat.

Okay, step one. Locate your
emergency key to our apartment.

Step two: enter our
apartment. Step three:...

Enter my broom.

- Oh, hang on, Sheldon, getting another call.
- No!

Leonard, let me tell you something.
Personal robots cannot get here soon enough.

And that bright little star
peeking her head out early today...

that's Venus.

That is so cool.

You really know a lot about space.

Come on. When you were on TV in
Firefly, you were actually in space.

You're not one of those guys
who really believe that, are you?

You mean one of the hopeless geeks? No.

Those are crazy people.

Howard, be a dear and get
me another one of these.

Now, him, he's one of those geeks.

All right, now, before you
enter my bedroom unescorted,

I need you to understand that this onetime grant
of access does not create a permanent easement.

Easement.

It's a legal right
of access. Good grief.

What? No, don't put me on hold.

Do you believe him?

Normally around women, he has the
personality of a boiled potato.

Put one beer in him, and
he's M. Night Charmalarmalon.

Is that what he's drinking?
It's not even real beer.

- What? - Look at it.
Non-alcoholic beer.

- What's going on?
- I don't know.

Some sort of placebo effect, I guess.

Placebo, you say. Interesting.

Yes, I'm still here. Where
am I going? I'm on a train.

Now, what you'll be looking for is a small
wooden box located between a Hoberman's sphere

and a sample of quartz
flecked with pyrite.

Hoberman's Sphere.

It's collapsible icosidodecahedron.

No, the thing with the time
on it is my alarm clock.

Actually, in India, the names
of constellations are different.

Where you have the Big Dipper,
we have the Big Curry Pot.

You're making that up.

You got me.

Now what are you going to do with me?

- Raj.
- Yes?

- Look.
- What am I looking at?

You tell me.

Non-alcoholic beer.

I'm the small package
good things come in.

Okay, I got a box, but
there's no key in here.

Just letters.

That's the wrg box. Put it back.

Oh, Sheldon, are these
letters from your grandmother?

Don't read those letters!

Oh, look, she calls you
"Moon Pie." That is so cute.

Put down the letters!

Hey, Penny. It's Leonard.

Hey, Leonard. How's the train ride?

Delightful.

Listen, I don't know what
you're doing right now,

but there are little bubbles forming
on the corners of Sheldon's mouth.

Okay, yeah, I kind of crossed
a line. Put him back on.

Thank you.

- I'm back.
- What up, Moon Pie?

Nobody calls me Moon Pie but Meemaw!

Hey, Penny. Leonard again.

So anyway, in the dream, you and I
were ice skating, just the two of us.

And then, I picked you up by your
ankles and twirled you round and round

until your legs tore off.

I tried to stick them back
on, but before I could,

you turned into a giant
loaf of pumpernickel bread.

What do you think that means?

I really don't know.

I'll give you a little
clue. My favorite sandwich?

Salami on pumpernickel.

Is that so?

And did you know the word "pumpernickel" comes
from the German words "pumper" and "nickel,"

which loosely translates
to "fart goblin"?

No. I didn't.

Okay, I found the box. Now what?

You're holding a Japanese puzzle box,
which takes ten precise moves to open.

First, locate the panel
with the diamond pattern

and slide the center portion
one millimeter to the left.

Then, on the opposite end of the box,
slide the entire panel down two millimeters.

- You'll hear a slight click.
- Hang on.

Sheldon, do you have any
emotional attachment to this box?

No, it's a velty I ordered off the
Internet. Did you hear the click?

Not yet.

There it is.

Okay, here's another one.

If you married the famous rock guitarist
Johnny Winter, you'd be Summer Winter.

Yep.

Okay, I'm going to just go for
broke here and say I like you.

Yeah?

So here's my question: do you
realistically see any conversational path

that would take me from where
we are right now to a place

where I could ask you
out and you'd say yes?

No.

Fair enough. I'll leave you in peace.

Thank you.

But before I go,

would you mind if I just take one picture
of us together for my Facebook page?

Sure.

Okay. Great. Now, can I take one
where it looks like we're making out?

Okay, now you're going to insert
the flash drive into the USB port...

She calls me Moon Pie because I'm
nummy-nummy and she could just eat me up.

Now, please put the flash
drive in the USB port.

The one that looks like
a little duck's mouth.

Hey, how'd it go?

Terminator broke my phone.

Excuse me.

Okay, I'll be honest with you.

I've just spent the last two hours
imagining various scenarios in my head,

trying to come up with some
clever line to say to you.

But then I finally realized you're
a human being; I'm a human being.

- I could just say to you...
- Next stop: Santa Barbara.

I'm sorry. This is me.

Hi, my name's Leonard.

So, I'm thinking, you won the
Nobel Prize what, three years ago?

So you must deal with a whole lot
of "What has Smoot done lately?"

My thought is we continue
my research as aeam--

you know, Cooper-Smoot,
alphabetical--

and when we win the Nobel
Prize, you'll be back on top.

With all due respect, Dr.
Cooper, are you on crack?

Fine! Smoot-Cooper.

Wow, what a diva.