The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 2, Episode 16 - The Cushion Saturation - full transcript

[PAlNTBALLS FlRlNG]

HOWARD:
That was close.

God, I love the smell of paintballs
in the morning.

Yeah, still funny, Raj.

[PAlNTBALLS FlRlNG]

No way we can get to the ridge.

The Chemistry department
has us cut off.

What about the creek bed?

The Pharmacology department
controls that.

And they're all hopped up
on experimental steroids.

That's it then. We're doomed.



Time to acknowledge
that we are paying the price...

...for some failing to attend Physics
department paintball strategy meeting.

I told you, my mom has spider veins.

I had to take her to the laser clinic.

And I told you I wanted
to see a doctor's note.

We need a plan.
How about Operation Hammer of the Gods?

Which one is Hammer of the Gods?

We hide in the parking lot
and ambush people when they come to pee.

No, the dumpsters are deep
in Astronomy department territory.

Shouldn't be a problem,
Venus is up during the day.

They're probably
just all staring at the sky.

All right, what we need now
is a tactical retreat.

Did you see Stargate
where they found themselves on a planet...

...with a culture based loosely
on Earth's Athens and Sparta?



Not important.

Leonard, Raj and I are gonna burst out
the door and run away.

Howard will cover us.

But why don't I run away
and you cover me?

Because you chose your mother's veins
over victory.

Pn three. Pne, two, three, go!

[ALL SCREAMlNG]

I had to take her.
It's almost bathing-suit weather.

[PAlNTBALLS FlRlNG]

[HOWARD SHRlEKS]

I surrender, don't shoot.
They went that way.

LESLlE:
Howard, I'm on your team.

Ph, Leslie, thank God.

-Where's the rest of your squad?
-Uh....

They left me here to die.

What about yours?

-Dead. All of them.
-Sorry.

Don't be.

It was friendly fire.

They just wouldn't listen.

Well, we're surrounded.

So I guess there's nothing for us to do
but wait to be captured or killed.

Hm. That's the worst part.

The waiting.

All the while knowing that there's a paint
pellet out there with your name on it.

Yeah.

The big wet ball of death.

[PAlNTBALLS SPRAYlNG SHED]

Kind of makes you feel more alive,
doesn't it?

It kind of does.

I say we make every moment count.

I agree.

How exactly do we do that?

[PAlNTBALLS FlRlNG lN DlSTANCE]

LEONARD:
Howard, why aren't you covering us?

We're getting slaughtered out here.

War is hell.

Did you see the new budget memo
this morning?

Yeah, more cutbacks.

Unacceptable. It baffles me...

...why they don't simply let some of you go
so there's money available for my research.

You know what baffles me, Sheldon?

Based on your academic record,
any number of things, I would imagine.

LESLlE: Hey, guys.
-Hi, Leslie.

I got the approval
for the rapid prototyper.

That's great, Leslie. Thanks.

You scratch my back, I scratch yours.

[GROWLS]

What was all that about?

Ph, uh, no big deal.

They gave Leslie control
over some unrestricted grant money.

Yeah, okay, but what's with
the back scratching and the meow?

I believe the back-scratching metaphor
describes a quid pro quo situation...

...where one party provides services
to the second party...

-...in compensation for a similar action.
-Thank you.

The meow, that sounded to me
like an African civet cat.

-Are you done?
-No.

Despite what the name suggests...

...the civet cat is not a true cat.

Now I'm done.

You know what? I'm thinking Howard
wasn't making a back-scratching metaphor.

I'm thinking there was some
actual scratching involved.

What about it, Howard?

Pkay, I didn't wanna say anything...

...because I know you and Leslie
have a little history.

-I don't care about that.
-Great, I'm dying to say something.

You and Leslie?

In the paintball shed. Twice.

Is that why you didn't cover our escape
and let us get cut down like animals?

Ph, yeah. Sorry about that.

My good man.

Dereliction of duty in the face of
the enemy is a court-martial offense.

Court martial, schmort martial.

Leslie Winkle is the fifth girl
I've ever had sex with.

I mean, for free.

And plus you got a rapid prototyper.
That's an expensive piece of equipment.

The rest of us have had our budgets
cut to the bone.

Pkay, one way to look at this is that
I'm getting new equipment and you're not...

...and that's unfair.

But a better way to look at this
is that I'm getting sex and you're not.

And that's delightful.

The whole thing froze.
I don't know what happened.

Calm down. We'll figure it out.

How can I calm down?
I'm gonna lose my shopping cart.

That's three hours of picking out shoes
just shot to hell.

-Hello, Penny.
-Hello, Sheldon.

You're in my spot.

-Are you planning on sitting here?
-No, I'm going to the comic-book store.

-What difference does it make?
-What difference?

Here we go.

That is my spot.

In an ever-changing world,
it is a single point of consistency.

If my life were expressed as a function...

...on a four-dimensional
Cartesian coordinate system...

...that spot at the moment I first sat on it
would be zero, zero, zero, zero.

What?

Don't sit in his spot.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Fine. Happy?

I'm not unhappy.

Boy, I love him,
but he is one serious whackadoodle.

Pkay, that should do it.

Ph, thank you. You are a lifesaver.

That's a lot of shoes you ordered.

Yeah, you know the sad thing is,
it's really not.

Poh, is this one of those paintball guns?

You ought to come with us sometime.

Ph, no, thanks. I'm from Nebraska.

When we shoot things,
we wanna eat them...

...or make them leave
our boyfriends alone. Ha, ha.

[PAlNTBALLS FlRE]

PENNY:
Ph.

Boy, your heart's racing.

I must have really gotten you going.

Well, it's partly you.

Partly my transient, idiopathic arrhythmia.

Sexy.

Can I assume that
you've likewise found the experience...?

Satisfactory?

That wasn't quite the word
I was looking for...

...but sure, I'll do this pass-fail.

Hey, are you enjoying
that prototyper I got you?

Ph, it's great. Everybody in the Engineering
department is eating their hearts out.

Isn't it nice when your good fortune
makes others miserable?

You know, most people don't get that.

MRS. WOLOWlTZ [SHOUTlNG] :
Howard, I'm home!

-Ph, great.
MRS. WPLPWlTZ: Book club was canceled.

That thing on Phyllis' neck
opened up again.

I'm busy, Ma.

MRS. WPLPWlTZ: Too busy to help
your mother with her zipper?

Don't come in, Ma.

MRS. WOLOWlTZ: Why not?
-He's got company!

Ph, there's the arrhythmia.

MRS. WOLOWlTZ:
Is she Jewish?

-Are you Jewish?
-No.

[SHOUTlNG]
Yes!

MRS. WPLPWlTZ:
Pkay, then you kids have fun.

Use protection.

You think he'll notice?

There's a chance.

Ph, what are we gonna do?

"We"?

No, no, no, you had your chance to be "we"
for like a year and a half now.

Right now, you are you,
and you are screwed.

-Why do we have to tell him I did it?
-Not gonna tell him I did it.

Pkay, okay, how about this?

We tell him somebody broke in.

Just to shoot the couch
with a paintball gun?

I'm sorry, I buy it.
All those people are on drugs.

We could tell him they wanted the couch
to stay away from their boyfriend.

Pkay, fine.
Well, what if we just flip it over?

There. Looks fine, right?

Butt print.
There's no discernible butt print.

Ph, come on.

There. Butt print.

It's too small and too perfect.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Shh. Act normal.

Sheldon!

-How was the comic-book store?
-Fine. The new issue of Flash is out.

Great, great.

Did you walk the whole way?
It's a little chilly.

-Koothrappali picked me up.
-lsn't that terrific?

He is such a good friend.

You know what the best thing
about friends is?

They don't talk incessantly
for no particular reason?

No, no, friends forgive the little things.

-I'm gonna go home and wash my hair.
-Don't you dare, missy.

Hello, fastest man alive.

Wanna see me
read your entire comic book?

Wanna see it again?

Something's wrong.

-What do you mean?
-I'm not sure.

It doesn't feel right.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Ph, that. Penny did that.

[WHlNES]

Excuse me.

[MUMBLlNG]

Ph, God.

Why don't you just eat
in your desk chair?

Why don't I just eat in my desk chair?

Here we go.

That is my desk chair.
That is where I work.

I don't eat in my desk chair
and I don't work in my spot.

I work in my desk chair
and eat in my spot.

Whackadoodle.

You know, there's kind of
an obvious solution here. Get up.

There, problem solved.

Nobody cares where you're gonna sit.

You're not crazy.

Excuse me,
but the problem is not solved.

If your head
had been accidentally amputated...

...and we transplanted a dog's head
in its place...

...would that be "problem solved"?

If it were your head, it would be.

Sheldon, I am really, really sorry,
but it's only for a week.

Can't you be a little bit flexible?

Yeah, sorry,
I didn't really think that through.

You claim it's going to be a week.
I have no faith in your cleaner.

-Why not?
-Did you notice the sign on his counter?

He's not a full-time dry cleaner.

He also makes keys.

Ph, for God's sake, Sheldon.

Focus is important.

Was Michael DeBakey a wedding
planner in between heart transplants?

Did Alexander Fleming
moonlight as a hair dresser?

Thanks for discovering penicillin.
Now how about we try a bouffant?

[CELL PHONE RlNGlNG]

Ph, looks like
I'm gonna have sex tonight.

HPWARD: Hey, baby.
-His right hand is calling him?

No, it's Leslie Winkle. It's a long story.

[SHELDON MOANlNG]

Sure. I'll pick you up in 1 0 minutes.

Gentlemen, adieu.

I thought we were gonna play
"Halo" tonight.

What am I supposed to do?

There's a woman out there
anxious to have sex with me.

You understand, right?

No, not at all.

Nevertheless, I must depart.

By the way, did I tell you Leslie pulled
strings and got me on the trip to Geneva...

...to check out the CERN super collider?

That's not fair.
You're not even a physicist.

There are two ways
of looking at this--

-Get out.
-Bye.

You're improving.

Thank you.

It helps when I get to practice
with a real woman.

Hey, listen.
Saturday, my sister's getting married.

I want you to come with me.
It's black tie.

Yeah, gee, I'd really rather not.

Why not?

When I go to weddings
it's to scam on chunky bridesmaids.

I don't know
what I would do with a date.

Ph, all right.

I understand.

Thanks.

Hey, I'm really sorry
about that Geneva trip.

-What about it?
-Ph, didn't you hear?

I had to reduce the number of people going
and you didn't make the cut.

When did that happen?

About 1 2 seconds ago.

Hold on. Are you saying if I don't go
to the wedding, I can't go to Geneva?

Well, actually, I'm trying not to say it.

Pkay, I'm sorry,
but that makes me a little uncomfortable.

-How so?
-Because it's like you're controlling me...

...with new equipment
and research trips.

If I weren't controlling you with equipment
and trips, I'd be uncomfortable.

-How so?
-Because we'd be in a real relationship...

...with feelings and all that crap.

So bottom line,
I'm just a bought-and-paid-for sex toy.

No.

No, no, not at all.

You're also arm candy.

So, what do you think?

[SHPUTlNG]
Hey, Ma, you gotta rent me a tux!

MRS. WOLOWlTZ:
Right now?

What kind of sex
are you having up there?

Why are you crouching there?

This is my spot.

Where else am I supposed to crouch?

[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]

I don't know, Texas.

Here. Fresh from the cleaners.
Good as new.

Really? Great.
Sheldon, look. Good as new.

From that key maker? I highly doubt it.

Come on, Sheldon. Just give it a try.

All right.

There. Nice and comfy-cozy.
Zero, zero, zero.

There's one more zero.

You forgot the time parameter.

Sit on the damn couch.

Nope.

What do you mean "nope"?
What's wrong with it?

Nothing, it's what's wrong with him.

-It's exactly the same--
-Penny, Penny.

I know what to do.

Sheldon, I have some bad news.

More?

I'm afraid so.

You know the cashew chicken
I get you on Monday nights?

Yes, from Szechwan Palace.

Szechwan Palace closed two years ago.

What?

-Where did my cashew chicken come from?
-Golden Dragon.

No.

No, this isn't right.

No, our food always comes
in Szechwan Palace containers.

Yeah, well, before they went out of
business, I bought 4000 containers.

I keep them in the trunk of my car.

But--

Ph, this changes everything.

I thought that might take
his mind off the cushion.

What's real? What isn't?
How can I know?

-You did make that up, right?
-Ph, God, I wish I had.

-Leonard?
-Yeah, buddy?

I still don't like this cushion.

Pkay, first of all...

-...Penny, thank you for coming.
-Ph, thanks for the shoes.

Penny is an amazing shot. I think
we have a chance to win this week.

-What's the plan?
-Pkay. Now, we all run out...

...Sheldon and I will cut to the left
behind these trees.

Raj, Howard and Leslie
flank to the right behind the rocks.

We'll all have a great view as Penny
runs out and kills everyone in sight.

All right, just one thing before we start.

What is it, Sheldon?

What the hell?

That was for my cushion.

Sheldon, Penny was our only hope.

I'm sorry, Leonard.
But revenge is a dish best served cold.

Screw that.

She can't shoot me. She's dead.

He's right. You can't.

Well, if we're going to descend
into anarchy....

Pkay. See you.

Where are you going?

Surrender, then Denny's.

[ENGLlSH SDH]