The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 12, Episode 4 - The Tam Turbulence - full transcript

Hey, what you doing?

Improving our wedding photos.

Oh, that's nice.

Wait, I'm still in them, right?

Of course. And not only you,

I've added some guests
who couldn't be there.

Oh. Who's that next to my father?

The Wright brothers.

And why are they at our wedding?

Orville, because I admire him,

Wilbur, because
he was Orville's plus-one.



Oh, you got an email
from someone named Tam.

Tam? What does he want?

Uh...

Looks like he's coming
to give his son on a tour of Caltech.

He's hoping you guys could meet up.

He would like that,
wouldn't he?

Well, that is the gist of the email.

Who's Tam?

He was my best friend
in the whole world growing up.

Really?

Why have I never heard you
mention him before?

Oh, of course I have.

I'm sure I've mentioned him,
like, five times this week.

I don't think you have.



Tam, Tam, Tam, Tam, Tam.

There. It's only Thursday.

I didn't just drink the crazy milk,
I bought the crazy cow.

Our whole universe
was in a hot dense state

Then nearly fourteen billion years ago
expansion started...

Wait!

The earth began to cool

The autotrophs began to drool

Neanderthals developed tools

We built a wall
We built the pyramids

Math, science, history
Unraveling the mystery

It all started with the Big Bang!

Bang!

So are you actually engaged
to this woman you just met?

Yeah.

Tell us the truth.
Did she get you pregnant?

Very funny.

Guys, I need your help, okay?

I'm trying to buy her
an engagement ring.

What do you think of this?
Do you think she'll like this one?

Well, it's hard to say
not knowing much about her.

Does she have fingers?

Yes, she has 10 fingers
and 10 toes, probably.

I'll get back to you
after I see her in sandals.

Hey, did you guys know that

Sheldon had a best friend
growing up named Tam?

Was that the imaginary talking koala?

No, he's a real person
who apparently betrayed him.

Yeah. So did the koala.

Well, I tried to ask him about it

and he invoked section three,
article five of the marriage contract.

"Beeswax, none of your."

Well, I can't pry.

I mean, I have to respect his wishes.

Wow.

I wonder what that guy could've done to

make Sheldon not talk to him
for 20 years.

I wonder if it'd work a second time.

I'm pumping.

It's Penny.

Oh. Come in.

I thought you were pumping.

I thought you were my boss.

Okay, listen, I'm really worried
about this whole Raj thing.

I know. He's so desperate
to get married, which is weird,

because I can't imagine
we make it look that great.

I know, right?

You know, if this woman's
gonna be around,

I think we should
check her out a little.

I looked online,
she doesn't have Instagram,

which means she's either 80
or something's wrong with her.

Well, I could ask my dad.

Maybe he can get
some of his old cop buddies

to do a background check on her.

Would he do that?

Of course. He's a retired cop
who plays by his own rules.

Hi, Daddy.

No, everything's good.
I just have a favor to ask.

Yeah. So my friend Raj is marrying
this woman that he barely knows,

and I wanted to see
if you could use your connections

to dig up any dirt on her.

Uh-huh.

Sure.

Okay.

Love you.

Is he in?

Absolutely not. He won't do it.
It's totally illegal.

Thought you said
he played by his own rules.

He does, but apparently,

they're very similar
to the actual rules.

I still can't believe
Sheldon had a best friend

we've never heard about.

Ooh! Somebody's jealous.

I'm not jealous.

Leonard, this is a safe space.

It's okay to be vulnerable.

All I'm saying is you know the timing
of a fellow's bowel movements,

you don't think
there's a lot left to discover.

I wonder what Tam could've done.

Hmm. Well, if Sheldon doesn't want to
talk about it,

it's gotta be pretty upsetting.

I have his brother George's number.
He might know.

Really? You have George's number?

So, so jealous.

Yeah, sure, I remember Tam.

Sheldon's little Vietnam buddy.

Two of them were
always runnin' around together.

So, what happened?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean Sheldon never
talks about him.

They haven't spoken in years.
He wasn't at the wedding.

He wasn't?

All right, well, this is embarrassing,

'cause I had a long conversation
with someone who I thought was Tam.

Wait, wait. So you don't know
what their fight was about?

I wish I could help you boys.

Hey, you know, Sheldon used to keep
an enemies list when he was a kid.

- Oh, he still does.
- Really?

I figured that went the same way
as his bathroom schedule.

If you mean digitized, annotated
and put online, it did.

Maybe that'll tell you somethin'.

Hey, while you're lookin' at it,

if I'm still on there for peein'
in his shampoo bottle...

Eh, you know what? Just leave it.

See you, boys.

- Bye.
- All right.

All right, got his enemies list.

Ooh! He updated the interface.

You can search by first name, last name
or length of grudge.

So is Tam on it?

Let's see.

Yep, right here, Tam Nguyen.

Great, what did he do?

Hold on, I have to agree
to the terms of service.

No, I'm not a robot.

Okay. "Which of these are plants?"

And we're in.

Great. What does it say?

"He knows what he did."

Oh, come on.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait,

if Tam knows what he did,
we can just ask him.

He's gonna be on campus tomorrow
showing his son around.

Won't that make Sheldon mad?

Everything makes Sheldon mad.

Yeah, look at his list.

Jim Henson for, quote,

"Putting a terrifying, giant yellow bird
on television and in my nightmares."

- Oh, this is so nice.
- Mmm-hmm.

Maybe instead of
introducing ourselves to Anu,

we could just get a room,
order some food and take a nap.

You know,
I've fallen for that line before.

It never leads to napping.

That must be her.

Oh, she's cute.

Okay. I got you two seats
to Hamilton tonight.

Your tickets will be
at the concierge desk.

Of course, my pleasure.

May I help you?

Yes, I'm here to pick up
our Hamilton tickets...

Stop.

Hi. We're Raj's friends.

I'm Penny. This is Bernadette.

We just came by to introduce ourselves.

So you came to check me out?

She's smart. I like her.

We just wanna see
if we could take you to dinner

and get to know you a bit.

That sounds nice.

How about tonight after work?
Maybe we can go to Bavel.

Oh, I wish.
That place is impossible to get into.

Oh, please.

Getting into impossible places
is my superpower.

Me too.

I can fit my whole body in our dryer.

All set. 8:30.

Wow! Okay, well, we'll see you tonight.

- See you then.
- Okay.

Bye.

She can get into any restaurant,

but the best husband
she can find is Raj?

Not Tam.

Not Tam.

Not Tam.

Got him.

Tam Nguyen?

Yes. Is my son done with his tour?

No idea. We're actually friends
of Sheldon Cooper.

Oh, I've been trying to
get in touch with him,

but I never heard back. Is he okay?

Well, if you mean physically, yes.

If you mean every other way, no.

So is he here?

Uh, no. He didn't come.

He's, uh...

He's still pretty upset about...

You know.

I know what?

Come on. You must know.

No, we haven't talked in,
like, 20 years.

Right. Because...

You know.

I don't think he knows.

What are you guys talking about?

Why did you and Sheldon
stop being friends? What did you do?

And don't worry.
Even though we just met you,

we think you're right and he's wrong.

I didn't do anything.

He moved to California
and we just drifted apart.

Oh, come on,
there's gotta be something...

What is going on here?

Oh, hey, Sheldon. We just met Tam...

Sheldon. So good to see you.

Tam.

It's been a long time.

Mmm. Not long enough
to erase the sting of betrayal.

How did I betray you?

You know what you did.

Let me catch you up. He does not.

When I moved to California,
what did you do?

I stayed in Texas.

Can you believe this guy?

So he was your best friend growing up?

Yes.

Were there no other kids in Texas?

Hey. What is going on with you?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Well, I'm sure you have
a perfectly stupid reason.

I don't do anything for a stupid reason,

except perhaps
Talk Like a Pirate Day,

and I'd argue
that's more whimsical than stupid.

You know, I was curious to find out
what Tam had done wrong.

Why am I not surprised
that the answer is nothing?

So you're taking his side?

You scurvy dog.

You watch yourself,
there's room on my enemies list

now that the cafeteria lady's
finally told me what's in the chili.

By the way, don't eat the chili.

Wait, wait, wait, you know what? Do.

Be careful, Sheldon.

I don't think you can afford
to lose a second best friend.

I don't see anyone lining up
to be your third.

Okay, wait.

Snarky comebacks.

Here we go.

"You have your entire life to be a jerk,
why not take today off?"

That was harsh,
but he was askin' for it.

This place is amazing.
I can't believe you got us in here.

Well, it's kind of my job.

Usually I got tipped for it,
but I'll leave that up to you.

I think that's LeBron over there.

James?

No, LeBron Kershenbaum.

So, what do you wanna know?

Well, you seem like
a smart, successful woman.

Why would you wanna marry
someone you just met?

Fair question.

In my 20s, I tried this the normal way.

You know, met a guy. Fell in love.
We moved in together.

I put him through culinary school,
screenwriting classes

and finally, dumped him
when he wanted to become a midwife.

Then I realized, my parents are happy,
they had an arranged marriage.

Why am I fighting this?

I don't know. I married for love
and it turned out...

...fine.

Oh! Yeah. Me too.

Hi.

Howard, today's your lucky day.

Leonard's out,
you're my new best friend.

Well, I'm not thrilled about it either,
but here we are.

All right, fine. Is Bernadette there?

She... No.

Just Stuart?

Let me call you back.

Let me guess.

This thing with Tam escalated

and now you're mad at Leonard
and looking for a new best friend?

You know me so well.

It's too bad you can't be
my best friend.

I can be.

Oh, you can't be my wife
and my best friend.

Who would I complain about you to?

Just tell me what happened.

Leonard talked to Tam behind my back
and took his side.

And after what he did to me,
can you believe it?

No, I'm shocked and outraged.

Now, tell me why
I'm shocked and outraged.

Fine.

When I got accepted
to grad school at Caltech,

I was afraid to move
so far away from home,

so Tam said he'd move out here with me
and be my roommate.

Then over the summer,
he got a girlfriend,

even after reading all the pamphlets
I gave him about social diseases.

I remember when you gave me
those pamphlets.

Anyway, Tam stayed with her in Texas
and I had to move here all by myself.

That must've been scary.

It was.

I was lonely, and I thought
I would never make a friend again.

And for a long time, I didn't.

But then you did. And great friends.

If you think about it,
if Tam had moved out here with you,

who knows what your life
would've been like?

Yes?

I'm Leonard Hofstadter.
I called you about the apartment.

Tell him to go away.
You already have a roommate.

New neighbor?

Oh, hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Tam, look. Sheldon's hugging me.

It's a Saturnalia miracle.

Sheldon, come here.

Bazinga.

No, my life would've still been great.

So what's the craziest request
anyone's ever made?

Oh, you know, I can't really say.
Concierge-guest confidentiality.

Really, that's a thing?

No.

This one time,
I had to go to Walmart at 03:00 a.m.

because Britney Spears
needed to blow bubbles.

That is so cool.

By the way, do not tell Raj
that you met Britney Spears,

because he will literally die.

We've been talking so much about me.

Tell me about Raj.

Okay, are you trying to get us drunk
so we'll dish on our friend?

'Cause it's totally gonna work.
What do you wanna know?

What kind of guy is he?

- He is great.
- So great.

How come he's still single?

He's great.

So great. Yeah.

Come on.

Well, there's really nothing to tell.

I mean, Raj is so much fun
to hang out with.

He's like one of our girlfriends,
and I mean that in a good way.

But also a bad way.

Anything else?

- No.
- No.

I mean, he takes baths with his dog,
but not in a weird way.

Or a normal way.
They both wear swimsuits.

He also cries every time
Hugh Jackman sings.

But not cute sniffles.
Full-on snot sobs.

- But he is great. Yeah.
- And so great.

- Hello, Sheldon.
- Hello, Tam.

Thank you for coming.

I just want you to know that, um...

...I forgive you.

I didn't do anything.

Yeah. And yet, here I am
still being the bigger man.

Look, I was in love with Beth,
and she made me happy.

Really?

Did she let you play with her train set?

In a manner of speaking.

Sheldon, I needed to stay in Texas
and you needed to come here.

I knew you were gonna do amazing things

and meet amazing people
who were gonna respect you

because you're brilliant,

and because they never had to
fish you out of a dumpster.

Well, they have, but it was during
my short-lived parkour phase.

I didn't mean to upset you,

and I want you to know I'm really proud
of everything you've done.

Thank you.

It did work out for me.

And I'm sorry that
things didn't work out for you.

- They did work out for me.
- Yeah...

Oh, Tam, you don't have the need
to be brave on my account.

I'm not.

I have a great wife
and amazing children.

I'm very happy.

Brave, brave Tam.

Sounds like Penny and Bernadette
had fun last night.

I know.

Bernie came home pretty drunk.

She tried to sleep in the dryer.

Hello.

You all remember Tam,
my best friend from high school.

- Yeah, of course.
- How's it going?

Sheldon's been showing me
and my son around.

Now we know where
all the clean bathrooms are.

You just remember the mnemonic.

If it's number one, the library's fun.

If it's number two,
the basement's for you.

Well, I'm glad you guys have made up.

Well, I realized
my life turned out great,

and it's silly to hold a grudge.

And I had no idea we were fighting,
so it was easy.

Don't worry, Leonard,
you're still my California best friend.

Cool.

So, what do you wanna do now?

Go to the train store?
Go to the comic book store?

Actually, I have to grab my son
and head to the airport.

I was just about to call a cab.

Don't be silly.
You don't have to call a cab.

You're my oldest friend.

Leonard will take you. Right, Leonard?

Sure.

Shall we?

Hold on, I haven't seen Tam in 20 years.
Give me a chance to say goodbye.

Bye.

Check it out. LeBron James posted
a picture of me and him on Instagram.

I don't see you.

Look right behind him.

- No.
- Okay.

You see that table
just past his left shoulder?

Now go back two more tables
and over to the right.

All I see is a yellow smudge.

That's me!

Oh. It's Raj.

Hey, Raj. I'm here with Penny.

What the hell
did you two say to Anu?

Uh...

Whatever do you mean?

Why? Why would you tell her
I wear ladies' deodorant?

Uh...

Because you're a boy
and it's really funny.

Well, okay.

Pardon me for having the confidence
to smell daisy fresh.

Do me a favor and stay away from her.

Oh, God. Now I feel bad.

I know.

Maybe we should take her out again
and do some damage control.

You know, that's a good idea.

Think she can get us
into the Soho House?

I don't know,
but we owe it to Raj to try.

Mmm-hmm.