The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 10, Episode 15 - The Locomotion Reverberation - full transcript

Okay, I'm zeroing out the
electro-osmotic flow rate

in the micro-fluidic channel.

Nicely done, Howard.

Well, my wife is four-foot-ten
and sexually satisfied,

so clearly I know my way
around tiny things.

Good for you, on the cutting
edge of new technology

and still making
inappropriate comments

about the mother of your child.

Those are just the things
I say out loud.

Gentlemen, we need to stop
immediately.

What's wrong?



I'm looking at the math,

and I think we can
make the device

between eight and
ten percent smaller.

That's great, but the
Air Force approved the specs.

We're good to go.

Yeah. It doesn't
need to be smaller.

Shame on you.

Where would we be if poodle
breeders had that attitude?

I'll tell you.

We would have the standard
and the miniature poodle,

but no toy or teacup.

Which by the way,

is not an officially
recognized breed,

but that's just poodle politics.



Can we please stop
talking about poodles?

Fine. Candy bars.

Now, do you enjoy a fun size?
I know you do.

Sheldon, we don't need
to make this smaller.

Your work is done.
Go home.

I don't want to go home.

Fine, go for a little walk.

Then what?

Just keep walking.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 10x15 ♪
The Locomotion Reverberation
Original Air

At least it's quiet
when he takes bathroom breaks.

I know.

That's why I keep refilling
his water when he's not looking.

You're kidding.

I don't care if we're in
a drought, it's worth it.

You know, I-I do have a way
to get him out of our hair.

I've been holding onto this
for a few years,

but maybe now's the time.

W-We can just lock the door;
you don't have to kill him.

You can't kill him; he'll just
respawn at the last save point.

Oh, that was my sixth trip
to the bathroom.

As long as that's not
a urinary tract infection,

that's a personal best.

Hey, uh, buddy,
I got you a little present.

Really?

Yeah. Go ahead, open it.

"Congratulations.

"The bearer of this
certificate is entitled

"to the ultimate
train experience

"at The Nevada
Northern Railway.

"You are at the throttle.

"You are the engineer.

You are running
the locomotive."

This doesn't
happen very often,

but here comes a hug.

Oh, dear! I have
to tinkle again!

Okay. Where were we?

For Howie's occupation,

should I include
that he was an astronaut?

Well, he mentioned it in
his mother's eulogy, so why not?

I can't believe you
have to fill out

a preschool application
for an infant.

Uh, the one at Caltech
has a crazy wait list.

I warned you,
a lot of people apply

when they're still pregnant.
Well, I didn't.

I also skipped a birthing class
to see Zootopia, so back off.

Whoa. Just trying to help.

Sorry. Howie's back at work and
there's just so much going on.

Is there anything
we can do?

Sure. Open up a college fund,

shop for life insurance,
and in the laundry room,

there's a mountain
of dirty laundry.

Wash it or burn in, your choice.

(Halley crying over monitor)
Ugh, be right back.

No, no. I will
take care of it.

Oh, thank you.

While I'm gone,
you can think about

how mean you were to me.

All right,
you know what you need?

A night away from all of this.

You know, where you can just
kind of relax and...

(Halley continues crying
over monitor)

I'm just gonna... turn this off.

(Halley continues crying nearby)

Much better. (clears throat)

Seriously, let's plan a night,

you know, give you a break.

We could go dancing.

That sounds really nice.
AMY: Oh.

All this week, the Early
Music Society of Pasadena

is doing a joint concert

with the San Gabriel
Renaissance Choir.

Okay, that's
the one to beat.

Good luck.

People have been saying that
for 600 years.

Hey, you're home early.

You'll never believe it.

Leonard gave me
the most incredible gift,

a trip to a historic railway,

and I get to operate
an actual locomotive.

Wow. He finally used it.

What'd you do?

No idea.

All I know is I'm gonna be
working on the railroad

all the livelong day.

Well, I'm really happy for you.

Oh, no. It's not just me. No.

The railway is four hours
from the nearest airport,

and guess who gets to drive me.

I give up.

You!

No. I really give up.

Oh, oh. And guess
where we get to sleep?

Our choice of
a turn-of-the-century

railway bunkhouse

or a working caboose.

Now, the problem with a caboose
is there's no bathroom,

but the problem with the
bunkhouse is it's not a caboose.

On the first day,

I get to drive
a steam engine.

Oh, and the second day,
a diesel engine.

Oh, and

if I volunteer to do
track maintenance

and paperwork, they'll let me
stay as long as I want.

So you might want to pack

enough clothes
for the rest of our lives.

Can I pee now?

Oh, get this!

I get to take a test
based on a 125-page manual.

I get to learn things
like hand signals. Ooh.

There's forward, uh, reverse,

set the brakes.

Are you done yet?

You're missing
some great stuff out here.

Oh, this is good.

There are dozens of
railroad crossings

you have to blow
the whistle for.

But that is the figurative
you, not the literal you.

I'll be blowing
the whistle.

Amy, get up. It's
time to go to work.

(groans)

This train thing worked out
better than I thought.

He's home studying
the engineer's manual.

(sighs)

It's so peaceful
without him here.

Can I ask you
how much that cost?

$4,000-- worth every penny.

(knock on door)

Gentlemen.

Colonel Williams.
Sir.

Just wanted to see how

the guidance system's
coming along.

Great. We found
a cooling solution

that allowed us to get
the size of the prototype

down to the target specs.

As a cooling solution,
it's pretty cool.

(chuckles)

Don't do that.

What's this?

Oh, nothing.
Just some math we don't need.

This is a different approach.

Are you trying to get the
guidance system even smaller?

It's just a theory.

Uh, it's not even worked out.

Oh. (chuckles)

I want this.

But we've already met
the agreed upon specs.

Going smaller would
require weeks' worth

of new computations.

So get the kid with
the two shirts to do it.

Sir, uh, i-if I may,
uh, we've put a lot

of thought and effort into
this current prototype.

It's a really
elegant solution,

and most importantly,
it works.

Yeah, I want this.

But that's just a theory.

It's not even a
complete thought.

You both make excellent points.

And thank you for
presenting it so articulately.

(chuckles) Make this.

(door closes)

The kid with the two
shirts screwed us again.

All right. You guys
ready to get crazy?

Well, the bra
under here ain't beige.

KOOTHRAPPALI:
Okay.

You ladies
have fun tonight.

Don't worry about Halley.
Uncle Stuart's on the job.

Under the careful supervision
of her godfather.

My apologies. I didn't mean
to offend you, Don Corleone.

Like I said,
you ladies have fun.

We will. Got my dancing shoes,
got my breast pump.

Let's party.

You know, if you
pump at the bar,

I promise we'll
get free drinks.

Call if there's any problems.

No. She's busy.
You call Howard.

Got it.

Call me. Don't call Howard.

I would never call Howard.

Okay, instead of
arguing all night,

let's just split up
the baby chores.

Yeah, great. Um, I'll put
food in her top half,

you deal with whatever
comes out the bottom.

I can't believe we
have to ask Sheldon

to come back
and help us.

Oh, boo-hoo.

I spent four grand on a gift

that only got rid of him
for an afternoon.

(electrical crackling)

What is that?

I don't know,
but if he yells,

"It's alive," we run.

Oh, hey.

If you knocked,
I couldn't hear you.

I'm welding
this locomotive engine.

And if you didn't knock,
how about some manners?

How'd you even get
that up the stairs?

I said to myself,
"I think I can, I think I can."

And then I couldn't, so...

I paid two men who promised
not to come rob us later.

Okay, look, Sheldon,
the Colonel wants us

to make the guidance system
smaller,

and we can't
do it without you.

Interesting.

Well, so I was right.

Open a window. It's about
to get smug in here.

Well, I would love to help you,

but since I discovered
the satisfaction

of working with my hands
on a train engine,

I don't think
I can go back to theory.

I'm an engineer now.

And, hey,
just to be clear,

a train engineer.

Not that goofy kind you are.

Sheldon, you can still go
on the trip in a few weeks.

Just help us out.

Sorry. I need to work
on this engine

so when I get to the train yard
I won't look foolish.

(laughs)

He's worried about
looking foolish.

That's a heapin' helping
of irony right there.

Come on, you know
you're not leaving physics.

Why are you doing this?

Leonard, in the world
of theoretical physics,

you never finish;
so much is unprovable.

But when I was studying

that railway guide,
it was so tangible

and so satisfying
that something just clicked.

Then it clacked.

Then it clicked,

then it clacked, click-clack
clickety-clack, and here we are.

(imitates train whistle):
Whoo-whoo!

Did you hear anything back
from the Caltech preschool?

Not yet, but we're gonna apply
to a bunch of others

just to keep our options open.

Okay, stop that!
No more preschool talk.

Tonight is about
having fun.

Nothing says fun
like being scolded.

(ringtone playing)

It's Raj.

Everything okay?

Don't worry. Everything's fine.

Hang up!
We don't need help.

I don't need your help
deciding when we need help!

Raj, what's going on?

Yes, so,

I was just warming up
some milk for Halley,

and I-I thought
it smelled a little funky,

so I checked the date
that you wrote on the bottle,

and it says "Flerbsday."

It says "Tuesday."

How is that a "T"?!

I'm sure it's fine,
but if you're worried,

there's extra milk
in the freezer.

Okay, yes,

I will err
on the side of caution

and defrost a fresh batch.

You're wasting
perfectly good milk.

Fine, you drink it.
It's just milk.

Stuart, don't you drink my milk!

Okay, give--

Can you guys
handle this or not?

Oh, of course we can.
Uh, you girls have a good time.

(chuckles)

She said I was in charge.

Hmm.

So we just
throw this away?

What else are you
gonna do with it?

Put it in your coffee?

Well, I don't take it black.

Okay. This is everything
he had on the board.

I'm sure we can
figure the rest out.

All right.
(clears throat)

Hmm.

Feel free to jump in.

"Hmm" is all I got.

Oh, we can get this.

Is there any chance
it's upside-down?

Maybe we can find

another theoretical
physicist to help us.

It's classified. If we tell
anyone, we'd get in trouble.

Hey, I came up with
that and "hmm."

You haven't
pitched anything.

Just keep thinking.

I got it.

You really figured it out?

No, but when we show
this nonsense to Sheldon,

it will make him crazy,
and he'll have to fix it.

Oh, you're a genius.

Yeah, I know.

That's not even a math symbol.

That's just
Charlie Brown's hair.

Sorry, guys.

This club was so great.

How could they turn
it into a bookstore?

I thought
we got rid of all those.

Renaissance Choir's looking
pretty good right now, huh?

(ringtone playing)

Hello?

(Halley crying)
Nothing to worry about.

She's just been

crying for a little while,
and I was wondering

if you had any tricks
to get her to sleep.

She was sleeping just fine
till you took a selfie with her!

She was blowing a spit bubble.
It was adorable!

You guys got this?
Do you need me to come home?

(whispers):
Wait.

She's settling down.
(Halley quiets)

Oh, okay, false alarm.

Little parenting tip:

sleeping babies
hate flash photography.

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

I may have just left
my infant daughter

with Patrick and SpongeBob.

Hey, there's another
dance club nearby.

I mean, I don't know how
you feel about Latin music,

but according to their horas
of operación, they're open.

Maybe we should just
call it a night.

You sure?
They're open till dos.

Yeah, we're all
dressed up.

Why go home?

I'm just not really
in the mood anymore.

What's going on with you?

I don't know.
This is all starting to feel

like a sad attempt
to recapture our youth.

I'm not sad.

I just wanted to get drunk
and not wear sweatpants.

I'm not sad.

I mean, hello.

Okay, maybe I'm the one
who's sad.

What are you sad about?

Maybe the fact that you
went and had a baby.

You're upset I had a baby?

No, of course not. I just...

I didn't think it would make me
have all these feelings.

What feelings?

Pressure!

I mean, she's looking
at preschools,

she has a minivan,
she has a 401(k).

Before she talked about it,
I just thought that was a race.

You think that stuff is fun?

Being a parent is terrifying.

I'm constantly worried,
I'm always tired,

and in a few minutes,
I'm gonna milk myself

in a bookstore parking lot.

I get that, okay?

It's just, Leonard and I have
been married for two years,

and we're no further along
than when we were dating.

AMY:
Come on.

You've got so much
to feel good about.

You've got a
great job now.

Yeah, I guess
I am making decent money.

You make more than I do.

You may not have a house yet,
but your apartment's great.

It's bigger than mine.

And Leonard loves you so much,
he married you twice.

I'm not even engaged once.

I don't even know if Sheldon
thinks about marriage.

I'm not getting any younger.

Honestly,
I kind of thought by now,

we might have had
some sort of...

Careful. The sound of crying
can make me lactate.

I'm sorry. I can't help it.

(crying)

Oh, that's gonna make me cry.

(crying)

And there they go.

Ew.

Well, Sheldon, turns out
we didn't need you after all.

That's right. We figured
it out all by ourselves.

Wasn't even that hard.
No.

Well, good for you guys.

Look, I have a grease smudge on
my hand, and I'm okay with it.

Aren't you gonna look at the
board to see how right we are?

No, thanks. I'm busy trying
to fix this fuel pump.

It's a manifold.

Oh.

Well, I guess it's fixed.

Just look at
the board.

That's wrong.

Oh, no!

What should we have
done differently?

Well, first of all,
you can't use relativistic

and non-relativistic vectors
in the same equation.

Told ya. (scoffs)

Can you fix it for us?

(sighs)

Okay, but this is
the last time.

Nice try, blockheads.

Come on, Sheldon. You can't
turn your back on physics.

Besides, you have no idea what
you're doing with this stuff.

But if you really want
to learn the mechanical side,

I can teach you anything
you want to know.

LEONARD: And instead of
standing around watching,

you can help us build your
smaller guidance system.

And with all these new skills,

you'd be able
to fix any model train.

You'd be the king
of the train store!

Excuse me. I have a girlfriend.

I'm already king
of the train store.

So, what do you say?

Oh, what choice do I have?
You need me.

I'm like the crankshaft
of this team.

That's a turbo.

Well, whatever it is,
it looks heavy.

I'm gonna need you two
to get it downstairs

before Amy comes home.

(train chugging,
steam hissing)

(train whistle blows)

I apologize
that it's so warm in here.

It is warm in here.

I've worked up a bit of a sweat.

Me, too.

May I borrow your water?

("Rock You Like a Hurricane"
by Scorpions playing)

♪ Here I am ♪

♪ Rock you like a hurricane ♪

♪ Here I am ♪

♪ Rock you like hurricane... ♪

SHELDON:
The light's green.

Sorry.

GPS says we'll be at the railway
in three hours.

I can get us there in two.
(engine revving)