The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 14 - The Nerdvana Annihilation - full transcript

This sandwich is
an unmitigated disaster.

I asked for turkey and roast beef
with lettuce and Swiss on whole wheat.

- What did they give you?
- Turkey and roast beef

with Swiss and lettuce on whole wheat.

It's the right ingredients,
but in the wrong order.

In a proper sandwich,

the cheese is adjacent to the bread

to create a moisture barrier
against the lettuce.

They might as well have dragged
this thing through a car wash.

- I don't believe it.
- I know. It's basic culinary science.

Some guy is auctioning off
a miniature Time Machine prop



from the original film,
and no one is bidding on it.

A time machine
from the movie The Time Machine?

No. A time machine
from Sophie's Choice.

Boy, Sophie could have used
a time machine in that movie.

Did you see it? It's rough.

- That's cool.
- It's only $800?

Yeah. And that's my bid.

You bid $800?

It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.
I figured it would go for thousands,

and I just wanted to be a part of it.

There's only 30 sec left in the auction.

Do you have $800?

Not to blow on a miniature time machine.

Don't worry. People wait
until the last second to bid,



and they swoop in and get it.
It's called sniping.

15 seconds.

Come on, snipers.

10, 9,

- 8...
- Where are your snipers?

- 5...
- Snipe.

- 4...
- Snipe.

- 3...
- Snipe!

- 2...
- Snipe!

1...

Congratulations!

You are the proud owner
of a miniature time machine!

You lucky duck.

I wonder why no one else bid.

This is a classic piece
of sci-fi movie memorabilia.

- Yeah, I know! I still can't afford it.
- Why don't we share it?

We'll each put in 200 bucks,
we'll take turns having it in our house.

A time-share time machine.

I'm in. Sheldon?

Need you ask?

I still don't understand
why no one else bid.

I understand
why no one else bid.

Episode 114: The Nerdvana Annihilation

Did the listing actually
say "miniature"?

I just assumed.

Who sells a full-size
time machine for $800?

In a Venn diagram,
that would be an individual located

within the intersection of the sets
"No longer want my time machine"

and "Need $800."

It's actually a tremendous bargain.

Even with shipping, it works out
to less than four dollars a pound.

Cocktail shrimp are $12.50.

How are we going to get it upstairs?

If we take the dish off,
it might fit in the elevator.

Yes, but the elevator
has been broken for 2 years.

I've been meaning to ask you.

Do you think we should
make a call about that?

Not necessary.
I have a Master's in engineering.

I remotely repair satellites
on a regular basis.

I troubleshoot space shuttle payloads.

When the Mars Rover started
pulling to the left,

I performed a front-end alignment

from 62 million miles away.

No. That baby's broken.

Come on, guys! Push!

If I push any harder,
I'm going to give birth to my colon.

I can't feel my fingers. Hurry up!

It's the same amount of work
no matter how fast you go.

- Basic physics.
- Sheldon?

If my fingers ever work again,
I've got a job for the middle one.

- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Penny.

Take a break, guys.

- What are you doing?
- We're just moving something upstairs.

- What is it?
- Just...

You know. Time machine.

Neat. But I really got to get to work.

- Give us a few minutes.
- I don't have them. I'm running late.

Then, I have a simple solution.

Go up to the roof.
Hop over to the next building.

There's a small gap, don't look down
if you're subject to vertigo,

and use their stairwell.

You're joking, right?

I never joke when it comes to vertigo.

Damn. Okay, I'll just take the roof.

If you wait for us
to set up the time machine,

I can drop you off at work yesterday.

Time travel joke.
It's not... never mind.

For what it's worth,
I thought it was humorous.

Let's just do this.

- You guys ready to push?
- In a minute.

Howard stepped outside to throw up.

I don't know
what you were worried about.

I think it really works in the room.

It is by far the coolest thing
I have ever owned.

The exact time machine
that carried actor Rod Taylor

from Victorian England
into the post-apocalyptic future,

where society had splintered
into two factions:

the subterranean Morlocks,
who survived by feasting

on the flesh of the gentle
surface-dwelling Eloi.

Talk about your chick magnets.

The guy who lives next to me
is always like,

"I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony.
I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony."

But wait until I tell him,

"I've got a time machine
on my balcony.

Stuff that in your Speedoes,
Jacuzzi Bob."

Gentlemen, we said we'd take turns,
but I think you'll agree

that practicality
dictates it remain here.

You can't keep it here.
What if I meet a girl and say,

"You wanna come up and see
my time machine?

It's at my friends' house."
How lame is that?

He's got a point.

I think we're going to need some ground
rules; in addition to the expected

"no shoes in the time machine,"
and "no eating in the time machine,"

I propose we add "pants must be worn
at all times in the time machine."

Seconded.

I was going to put down a towel.

I still want it on my balcony.

I say we move it on a bi-monthly basis.

- That sounds fair.
- Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term.

It's every other month or twice a month?

- Twice a month.
- Then no.

- Okay, every other month.
- No.

You can't be selfish.

We all paid for it,
so it belongs to all of us.

Now get out of the way
so I can sit in my time machine.

I am setting the dials
for March 10, 1876.

Good choice, Alexander Graham Bell
invents the telephone

- and calls out for Dr. Watson.
- Wait a minute.

- I'd want to see that, too.
- So when it's your turn, you can.

But if we all go back to the same point,

Bell's lab is going to get very crowded.
He'll know something's up.

Also since the time machine
doesn't move in space,

you'll end up in 1876 Pasadena.

And even if you can make it to Boston,
are you going knock on the door

and say to Mrs. Bell,
"Big fan of your husband.

"Can I come in and watch him
invent the telephone?"

Mrs. Bell was deaf.
She's not even going to hear you knock.

I have a solution.
First, go into the future

- and obtain a cloaking device.
- How far into the future?

If I remember correctly, Captain Kirk
will steal a cloaking device

from the Romulans on Stardate 5027.3,

which would be January 10, 2328
by pre-Federation reckoning.

I am setting the dials
for January 10, 2328.

Here we go into the future.

That was fun.

My turn!

Okay, first of all,

what you call a gap
was nearly three feet wide.

- I slipped and skinned my knee.
- Are you okay?

Second of all, the door to the stairwell
of the other building was locked,

so I had to go down the fire escape,
which ends on the 3d floor,

forcing me to crawl through the window
of a lovely Armenian family

who insisted I stay for lunch.

- That doesn't sound too bad.
- It was eight courses of lamb,

and they tried to fix me up
with their son.

- Sorry.
- Not done.

By the time I finally got to work,
they'd given my shift away.

That's right. I lost an entire day's pay
thanks to this.

- This...
- Time machine.

The lights flash and the dish spins.
You want to try it?

I don't want to try it!

My God, you are grown men!

How can you waste your lives
with these stupid toys and costumes

and comic books
and now that?! That...

Again. Time machine.

Please, it's not a time machine.
If anything, it looks like something

Elton John would drive
through the Everglades.

It only moves in time.

It would be worse than useless
in a swamp.

Pathetic! All of you!

Completely pathetic!

My turn!

Leonard, it's 2:00 in the morning.

So?

So it's my turn.

Why did you set it
for the day before yesterday?

Because I want to go back
and keep myself

from getting a time machine.

You can't.

If you were to prevent yourself
from buying it in the past,

you wouldn't have it available
in the present to travel back

and stop yourself from buying it.
Ergo, you would still have it.

This is a classic rookie
time-travel mistake.

Can I go back and prevent you
from explaing that to me?

Same paradox.

If you were to travel back in time
and, say, knock me unconscious,

you would not then have the conversation
that irritated you,

motivating you to go back
and knock me unconscious.

What if I knocked you
unconscious right now?

It won't change the past.

But it'd make the present so much nicer.

Are you upset about something?

What was your first clue?

Well, it was a number of things.

First, the late hour.

Then your demeanor
seems very low-energy,

- plus your irritability.
- Yes, I'm upset!

I don't usually pick
up on those things.

Good for me.

Good for you.

Wait.

Did you want to talk about
what's bothering you?

- I don't know. Maybe.
- I'm on fire tonight.

Here's the thing.

Girls like Penny never end up
with guys who own time machines.

I disagree.

Your inability to
successfully woo Penny

long predates your acquisition
of the time machine.

That failure clearly
stands on its own.

- Thanks for pointing it out.
- In addition, your premise is flawed.

In the original film,
Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimieux

with that very time machine.

In Back to the Future,
Marty McFly got the opportunity

to hook up with his extremely
attractive young mother.

- Those are movies.
- Of course they're movies.

Were you expecting me to come up
with an example

involving a real-life time machine?

That's absurd.

Come on, guys, push!

If I push any harder, I'm going
to give birth to my colon.

- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Penny.

Take a break, guys!

- What are you doing?
- You know, just moving a time machine.

Neat, but I really gotta get to work.

No problem.

Hang on.

But... what about your time machine?

Some things are more
important than toys.

I'm scared.

Don't worry, baby. I've got you.

It's still my turn.

What are you doing?

I'm packing up all my collectibles

and taking them down
to the comic book store to sell.

Was that really necessary?

If you need money,
you can always sell blood.

And semen.

This is not about money.

We brought food!

Lox and bagels, the
breakfast of time-travelers.

Terrific. Does anyone want to buy
my share of the time machine?

- Why?
- I don't want it anymore.

- Why?
- Just... personal reasons.

My Spidey sense tells me this
has something to do with Penny.

Look, do you want to
buy me out or not?

I'll give you $100,
which will make me half-owner

and we'll put it on my balcony.

Screw his balcony. I'll give you
$120 and we'll put it in my garage.

I paid $200 for my share.

Dude, everybody knows a time
machine loses half its value

the minute you drive
it off the lot.

I'll go for $200. That time
machine stays right where it is.

$300 and I'll throw in my original
1979 Mattel Millennium Falcon

with real light speed sound effects.

No. No more toys or action figures

or props or replicas
or costumes or robots

or Darth Vader voice changers.

I'm getting rid of all of it.

You can't do that. Look
what you've created here.

It's like nerdvana.

More importantly,
you have a Darth Vader voice changer?

Not for long.

I call dibs on The Golden Age Flash.

I need that to complete my
Justice Society of America collection.

- Too bad. I called dibs.
- You can't just call dibs.

I can and I did.
Look up "Dibs" in Wikipedia.

Dibs doesn't apply
in a bidding war.

It's not a bidding war.

I'm selling it all to Larry
down at the comic book store.

- Did Larry call dibs?
- Will you forget dibs?!

He offered me a fair price
for the whole collection.

- What's the number? I'll match it.
- I'll match it plus a thousand rupees.

- What's the exchange rate?
- None of your business.

Take it or leave it?

Mom? My bar mitzvah bonds.
How much do I got?

Thanks.

I can go $2,600 and two trees in Israel.

Forget it, guys.

If I sell to one of you, the other two
are going to be really mad at me.

Who cares? As long as you pick me!

Okay, Leonard, put down the box.
Let's talk.

Sorry, Raj. My mind is made up.

No!

I can't let you do this.

Get out of my way.

None shall pass!

I did not want to do this,

but I have here the rare mint
condition production error

Star Trek: The Next Generation
Geordi La Forge

without his visor
in the original packaging.

If you do not get out of my way,

I will open it.

Okay, man. Be cool.

We're all friends here.

What the hell's going on?

You hypocrite!

What?

Little Miss "grown-ups
don't play with toys."

If I were to go into that apartment now,
would I not find Beanie Babies?

Are you not an accumulator
of Care Bears and My Little Ponies?

And who is that Japanese feline
I see frolicking on your shorts?

Hello, Hello Kitty!

Okay, look, if this is about yesterday,
Leonard,

I am really sorry about what I said.
I was just upset.

- I need to hear it.
- No, you didn't. You are a great guy

and it is the things you love
that make you who you are.

I guess that makes
me "large breasts."

Still, I think it's time for
me to get rid of this stuff

and, you know,
move on with my life.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, good for you.

Thanks.

Do you want to...
I don't know, later...

Excuse me.

- Hey, Penny.
- Hi, Mike.

- Ready to go?
- I just have to change.

- I'll give you a hand.
- Stop it!

Bye, guys.

My turn on the time machine!

It worked.

It really worked.

They said I was mad, but it worked!

Not Morlocks!

Not flesh-eating Morlocks!

Help!

Sheldon, are you okay?

We have to get rid
of the time machine.

It is a little big
for the living room, isn't it?

Yeah, that's the problem. It's too big.

I'm glad you agree.
I hired some guys to help us move it.

Come on in, fellas.

Morlocks!

Eat him. Eat him.