The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 15 - The Pork Chop Indeterminacy - full transcript

On the other hand,
some physicists are concerned

that if this supercollider
actually works,

it'll create a black hole
and swallow up the Earth,

ending life as we know it.

What a bunch of crybabies.

No guts, no glory, man.

Hey, check it out.

The School of Pharmacology
is looking for volunteers.

"We are testing a new medication
for social anxiety,

"panic attacks, agoraphobia
and obsessive compulsive disorder."

Why would they be looking
for test subjects here?



I don't know, Raj.

Maybe the comic book store
doesn't have a bulletin board.

- What's going on?
- Hot girl in Sheldon's office.

Sheldon's office?

Is she lost?

I don't think so.

I followed her here
from the parking lot.

Maybe she's his lawyer.

Well, she's free to examine my briefs.

I know, I'm disgusting.
I should be punished... by her.

Look, I did it again.

That should do it.

Thank you for coming by.

Hello.



Hey, buddy...

"Buddy..."?

Sorry I'm late.
I'm working on a project

that may take me up
on the next space shuttle.

How can you be late?
I wasn't expecting you at all.

Nobody ever expects me.
Sometimes you just look and...

Bam! Howard Wolowitz.

Are you gonna introduce us?

All right. This is Missy.

Missy, this is Leonard and Rajesh,
and you've already met Howard.

- It's nice to meet you.
- You, too, as well, also.

So, how do you two know each other?

He once spent nine months
with my legs wrapped around his head.

Excuse me?

She's my twin sister.
She thinks she's funny,

but frankly,
I've never been able to see it.

That's because you have
no measurable sense of humor, Shelly.

How exactly would one
measure a sense of humor?

A humormometer?

I think you're delightfully droll.

Or, as the French say,
tr?s dr?le.

So let me see if I got this.

Leonard, Howard and...

I'm sorry, what was your name again?

Rajesh.

Episode 115:
The Shiksa Indeterminacy

So Missy, what brings you
all the way from Texas?

Was it perhaps destiny?
I think it was destiny.

My friend's getting married
at Disneyland tomorrow night.

Destiny, thy name is Anaheim.

And I had to drop off some papers
for Shelly to sign for my Dad's estate.

The papers could've been mailed.
Mom sent you to spy on me, didn't she?

I guess that's why
they call you a genius.

They call me a genius
because I'm a genius.

{\pos(192,200)}Tell Mom
that I currently weigh 165 pounds

and that I'm having
regular bowel movements.

Enjoy the wedding. Good-bye.

If the wedding's not until tomorrow,
why don't you stay with us tonight?

I don't think so.
Shelly doesn't like company.

Even as a little boy,
he'd send his imaginary friends home

at the end of the day.

They were not friends.
They were imaginary colleagues.

Look, you're here.
We have plenty of room.

No, we don't.

Come on, Shelly.
She's family.

So what, I don't issue invitations
to your mother.

It would be nice not to have
to drive to Anaheim in rush hour.

And don't ever call me Shelly.

So it's settled: you'll stay with us.

Yeah, I'll walk you to your car.
You're in structure 3, level C, right?

What just happened?

So anyway, we're eight years old

and Sheldon converts
my Easy Bake Oven

to some kind
of high-powered furnace.

Just classic.

I needed a place to fire
ceramic semiconductor substrates

for homemade integrated circuits.

He was trying to build
some sort of armed robot

to keep me out of his room.

Made necessary by her insistence
on going into my room.

Anyway, I go to make
those little corn muffins they give you.

There's a big flash. Next thing you know
my eyebrows are gone.

Not your eyebrows!

Yep, I had to go through
the entire second grade

with crooked eyebrows
my mom drew on.

Is that what that was?

I just assumed that the second grade
curriculum had rendered you quizzical.

You left your underwear
in the dryer downstairs.

Those are not mine.

Really? They have
your little name label in them.

Yeah, no, I do... I use those...

just to polish up
my spearfishing equipment.

I spearfish.

When I'm not crossbow hunting,
I spearfish.

This is Sheldon's twin sister, Missy.

This is our neighbor, Penny.

- You don't look that much alike.
- Can I get a hallelujah?

Fraternal twins come
from two separate eggs.

They are no more alike
than any other siblings.

Hey, guess what.
I've been accepted

as a test subject for a new miracle drug
to overcome pathological shyness.

- Good for you, Raj.
- Yes, I'm very hopeful. Hello, Missy.

They mentioned
there may be side effects.

So, Missy,

have you ever met a man
from the exotic subcontinent of India?

Well, there's Dr. Patel at our church.

Yes, Patel... good man.

Do you like motorcycles?
'Cause I ride a hog.

A hog? You have a two-cylinder scooter
with a basket in the front.

You still have to wear a helmet.

Have you ever heard
of the Kama Sutra?

- The sex book.
- The Indian sex book.

In other words,
if you "wonder, wonder

who wrote the book of love,"
it was us.

- Sheldon's sister is pretty cute, huh?
- I wasn't staring.

I didn't say you were.
I just said she was cute.

Maybe,

if you like women who are tall...

and perfect.

Sheldon, why are you
ignoring your sister?

I'm not ignoring my sister.
I'm ignoring all of you.

I brought snacks!

Oh, my, gherkins and...

Onion dip. It's onion dip.

We don't entertain much.

Missy.
Do you enjoy pajamas?

- I guess.
- We Indians invented them.

You're welcome.

Yeah, well, my people
invented circumcision.

You're welcome.

Missy, I'm gonna go get my nails done.
Do you want to come?

God, yes.
Thanks.

You're welcome.

- Bye, guys.
- Bye, Missy, see you.

- Goodbye, Leonard.
- Oh, yeah, no, bye, Penny.

You two have to back off.

Why should I back off?
You back off, dude.

Excuse me, this is my apartment,
and she's my roommate's sister.

- So what? You've already got Penny!
- How do I have Penny?

In what universe do I have Penny?

- So I can have Penny?
- Hell, no!

Excuse me.
Can I interject something?

I'm ordering pizza online.
Is everyone okay with pepperoni?

- Sheldon, can I talk to you in private?
- I guess.

Don't worry. I was going
to order you cheese-less.

- Thank you.
- It's okay.

Lactose intolerance
is nothing to be embarrassed about.

I'm a fancy Indian man.
We invented pajamas.

Hey, look at me.
I don't have a foreskin.

Are you aware that your sister
is an incredibly attractive woman?

She certainly has the symmetry
and low body fat

that Western culture deems desirable.

It's noteworthy,
at other points in history,

heavier women
were the standard for beauty

because their girth
suggested affluence.

That's fascinating...

I didn't say it was fascinating.
I said it was noteworthy.

All right... noted.

But my point is
that Koothrappali and Wolowitz,

they're hitting on your sister.

Okay.

You know, I don't want to criticize
your rhetorical style,

but we'd be a lot further along
in this conversation

if you'd begun with that thought.

- Great...
- I'm saying

we took quite an unnecessary detour from
what I now understand to be your thesis.

Whatever.

You have to do something about it.

- Why?
- Because she's your sister.

I don't understand.

Yes, we shared a uterus
for nine months,

but since then we've pretty much
gone our own separate ways.

Okay, consider this.

With your father gone,

it is your responsibility

to make sure that Missy
chooses a suitable mate.

I hadn't considered that.

We do share DNA.

So there is the possibility,
however remote,

that resting in her loins

is the potential for another individual
as remarkable as myself.

Exactly.

And you owe it to yourself
and to posterity

to protect the genetic integrity
of your sister's future offspring.

You're right.

If someone wants to get
at Missy's Fallopian tubes,

they'll have to go through me.

I am Shiva the Destroyer!

I will have the woman.

I'm warning you,
I was judo champion at math camp.

All right, now that's enough
juvenile squabbling.

You stop it. Stop it, I say!

I'm going to settle this right now.

Neither of you are good enough
for my sister.

Who are you to decide that?

He's the man of his family.
You have to respect his wishes.

- You're out, too, by the way.
- Say what?

It's nothing personal. I'd just prefer

if my future niece or nephew
didn't become flatulent

every time they ate an eskimo pie.

What are you so happy about?

I'm not happy.

It's the medication.
I can't stop smiling.

Now that Leonard's made me aware
how high the genetic stakes are...

we have to face the fact that none of
you are suitable mates for my sister.

Wait a minute.
Leonard made you aware of that?

We all make mistakes.
Let's move on.

Excuse me, I think you're missing
a big opportunity here.

How so?

Everybody knows genetic diversity
produces the strongest offspring.

Why not put a little mocha
in the family latte?

In principle, you have a point.

But as a practical matter,
need I remind you

that it takes experimental
pharmaceuticals

to simply enable you
to speak to the opposite sex.

I think you're focusing
entirely too much on the drugs.

Is it 'cause I'm Jewish?

'Cause I'd kill my rabbi
with a pork chop to be with your sister.

This has nothing to do with religion.

This has to do with the fact
that you're a tiny, tiny man

who still lives with his mother.

Sheldon, you are really
being unreasonable.

Am I?

Here, eat this cheese without farting
and you can sleep with my sister.

Oh, really?

Shelly, can I speak to you for a minute?
Alone.

Why does everyone suddenly
want to talk to me alone?

Usually nobody wants
to be alone with me.

We all make mistakes.
Let's move on.

I'm not even going to ask
why you're pimping me out for cheese.

But since when do you care at all
about who I sleep with?

Truthfully, I've never given it
any thought,

but it has been pointed out to me
that you carry DNA of great potential.

- What on earth are you talking about?
- Let me explain.

You see,
I'm a superior genetic mutation,

an improvement
on the existing mediocre stock.

And what do you mean, "mediocre stock"?

That would be you.

But residing within you,
is the potential for another me.

Perhaps even taller, smarter,
and less prone to freckling,

a Sheldon 2.0, if you will.

"Sheldon 2.0"?

Exactly.

Now, I am not saying that I should be
the sole decider of who you mate with.

If you're not attracted to the suitor,

the likelihood of conception
will be reduced.

- You have got to be kidding me.
- Not at all.

Frequent coitus dramatically
increases the odds of fertilization.

Okay, Shelly, sit down.

Now I've lived my whole life dealing
with the fact that my twin brother is,

as mom puts it,

"one of God's special, little people".

I always thought I was more
like a cuckoo bird.

You know, a superior creature whose egg
is placed in the nest of ordinary birds.

Of course, the newly hatched cuckoo
eats all the food,

leaving the ordinary siblings
to starve to death.

Luckily for you,
that's where the metaphor ended.

I thought it ended at "cuckoo".

You listen to me.

If you want to start acting
like a brother who cares about me,

then terrific. Bring it on.

But you try one time to tell me
who I should be sleeping with,

and you and I are going
to go round and round

the way we did when we were little.
Remember?

- I have an alternate proposal.
- Go on.

You donate eggs.

We will place them in cryogenic storage.

I will find an appropriate
sperm donor for your eggs,

have them fertilized
and implanted in you.

That way, everybody wins.

Correction.

Missy can date whoever she wants.

Look, we have to settle this.

I agree.

Sheldon's sister is hiding at Penny's
because we've all been hitting on her

- at the same time.
- She's not hiding.

She needed privacy to call her
grandmother who's apparently very sick.

And then I believe
she has to wash her hair.

You poor, deluded bastard.

- Don't start with me.
- You want to go again? Let's go.

Sit down.

If we're going to fight over Missy,
let's do it the right way.

The honorable way.

Take that!

You want some more?

And he's down!

One, two, three...

Come on! Get up!

Stay down, bitch!

Nine, ten.

Natural selection at work.

I weep for humanity.

Excuse me while I go tell
Missy the good news.

- Leonard.
- Hi, Penny. How's it going?

That guy Mike that you were dating,
is that still going on?

Pretty much. Why?

Nothing, just catching up. By the way,
may I speak to Missy, please?

Of course.

- Hi, Leonard. What's up?
- Since you're leaving tomorrow,

I was wondering
if you'd like to go to dinner with me.

That's so sweet. But no thanks.

- Do you have other plans or...
- No.

All right.

- Enjoy the rest of your evening.
- Thanks. See ya.

Here's something we didn't anticipate.

What do you want, Howard?

I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

I've come to call on Missy.

- Hi, Howard.
- The Amazing Howard.

- Do you like magic?
- Not really. No.

Then you are in for a treat.

Behold, an ordinary cane.

Thank you. I apprec...

Apprec...

Appree...

Oh, honey.
Is your medication wearing off?

Well, hi, cutie pie.

I was hoping you'd show up.

We had a dog who made
a noise like that.

Had to put him down.

Any news you want me
to pass on to Mom?

Well, she might be interested to know
that I have refocused my research

from bosonic string theory
to heterotic string theory.

I'll just tell her you say "hey".

Well, it was pleasant seeing you,

other than that business
with my testicles.

Come on, Shelly.

I want you to know
I'm very proud of you.

Really?

Yep, I'm always bragging to my friends
about my brother, the rocket scientist.

You tell people I'm a rocket scientist?

Well, yeah.

I'm a theoretical physicist.

- What's the difference?
- What's the difference?

Good bye, Shelly.

My God!

Why don't you just tell them that I'm a
toll-taker at the Golden Gate Bridge?

Rocket scientist. How humiliating.